01x04 - Equality March

[bunniefuu]

[rhythmic drum music playing]

[curtains screech]

[screaming frantically]

[exciting music playing]

[Maciej] I told Bogdan

that Tatars were storming Warka.

It's at least 24 hours round trip.

So I have the smithy to myself

while he's gone.

[smiles]

[screams strenuously]

[screams fading]

[high-pitched, loud panting]

[Maciej] I have to think of a new scheme

because I'm running out of town names.

[high-pitched, loud panting]

Hm. [chuckles lightly]

[sublime classical music playing]

[music stops]

[clock ticking]

[rock guitar riff plays]

[church bell ringing]

The mourning period

for my brother is over.

[loud clanging]

- [Stanisław] Yah!

- [horse neighs]

- [Zofia] Jakub!

- [odd music playing]

Stanisław's only been gone 72 hours.

You're right.

He's just run away. It's too soon.

He'll be back any minute

once he's calmed down.

[paintings clattering]

[Jakub] Stazcek's disappearance

made us all so very sad.

It also reopened

the never-ending discussion

of who will inherit the throne.

It comes down to me and Aniela.

But that silly girl

doesn't stand a chance in hell.

[thunder booms, rumbles]

[muffled cheering]

[Jakub] Aniela's obviously obsessed

with that simple peasant.

She could get banished

for being so stupid.

That's why I'm gonna play Cupid.

Hm.

I'm a poet, and I didn't know it.

[sighs in awe] Nice one.

- [frogs croaking]

- [water burbling]

[rooster crowing]

ANNUAL INFIDEL CENSUS

A.D. 1670

Welcome to our annual infidel census.

Poland is a tolerant country.

You are free to practice whatever form

of deviant religion you choose,

but it is my duty to inform all of you

that you'll burn

in the depths of hell if you choose wrong.

We'll start with you, innkeeper.

I'm a follower of the Jewish faith,

just like last year. [chuckles]

And just like last year, I'm disappointed

to see you still wearing those curls.

[chuckles]

You're excused.

[sighs] Who's next?

- Who the hell are you?

- My name's Maciej. I work for you.

The blacksmith's apprentice.

We've met already.

And your religion?

- I'm Orthodox.

- Hmm.

I have a new system.

It's a frowny face if you follow Shabbat,

and a pouty face for Orthodox.

I see no difference.

It's quite distinct. This is a Jew.

[mockingly] "I'm sad

because I'm living a lie."

This is an Orthodox.

[mockingly] "I don't want your religion.

I want to live a lie.'"

- [chuckles] It's all in the eyebrows.

- Oh, the brilliance of this boy.

All right. Next peasant.

Who do you worship?

- I don't have a religion, sir.

- You don't?

I've tried to develop

my metaphysical side, my lord,

but it's never really worked out for me.

I hope that won't be a problem.

Burn, atheist! Burn!

- [peasants murmur agitatedly]

- Huh.

Uh, perhaps I could try to find a religion

for next year, if it's a problem.

No. [chuckles] It's a free country,

but we'll be forced

to put you to death for your beliefs.

Atheists are marked

with a skull and crossbones.

[atheist peasant] I was confused.

There's been a mistake.

- On your part?

- Yes, sir. I'm not an atheist.

[laughs]

You're just changing your statement

because it'll get you burned at the stake.

I was nervous. What I meant was

that my beliefs run deep.

What are these beliefs of yours?

[breathes heavily] The, um

[crows cawing]

The Brown-Hatter.

[laughs]

Hm. The Brown-Hatter, huh?

And what does this Brown-Hatter teach you?

He teaches us that

we should wear hats.

And what does your deity promise

for the afterlife?

After death, if we have lived a good life,

we will be rewarded

with lots of spuds.

[all mumble in approval]

Mm. And the sinners?

- [peasants shouting indistinctly]

- [splashes]

In the mud and no spuds.

[all gasping and chattering]

Enough. No more spreading

your heathen beliefs.

I think we can let this one slide.

It's small potatoes.

Very clever, Father.

And besides,

I've always wanted to draw a fedora.

[pen squeaking]

- Go in peace. [chuckles]

- [Regina whispers] Albert!

[softly] That Brown-Hatter stuff

and the potatoes

It was beautiful.

What's your pronoun?

[bright classical music playing]

- [Aniela] Marianna, have you seen my dad?

- No.

[Zofia] Marianna!

Have you seen Jan Paweł?

- [door creaks]

- [Zofia] Has Stazcek come home?

[chickens cluck]

I'm avoiding my wife and daughter,

because there's a March for Equality

scheduled for tomorrow.

It's a ceremonial procession

that brings together all of our infidels.

- There's only one problem.

- Dad needs to approve the parade permit.

Surely you meant to say

that he must deny it.

Our opinions differ, Mother,

but he must say yes to the march.

He must say a hard no.

Why are you acting so immature?

No means no, Aniela.

But this needs a yes.

- [knocking on door]

- [door creaking]

[chicken clucking in distress]

[Jan Paweł] Come on in, Andrzej.

Make yourself at barn.

- [mysterious music playing]

- [horse snorts]

[nickers]

[Jan Paweł] My only hope

to solve my dilemma is

this old fart, Andrzej.

If he is the first one to veto the march,

I won't be forced to choose

between Zofia and Aniela.

[chickens clucking]

I just can't let on

that I care about this equality crap.

[gladly] Luckily, I'm a cunning man.

Andrzej, we both know

we don't have much in common,

which is why I want to start

with something light, of no importance.

I'm wondering if you've decided

to approve the infidel parade.

- What's your decision?

- About what?

- Are you gonna support them?

- Support what?

The March for Equality.

Is someone having a march?

- Don't play dumb. You brought it up first.

- I guess I forgot.

So many bigger issues to deal with.

I've barely given it a second thought.

[laughs awkwardly]

It's your call.

We both need to make a decision

since we each own half the village,

don't we?

Except your half's bigger than mine.

[groans softly]

[groans louder]

[horse groans]

All right, then.

Let it be.

Equality March is on.

- [chickens clucking]

- [horse neighing]

Leave my barn, now

little man.

- [music builds]

- The pastry comes with.

[metallic scraping, clang]

The pastry stays.

[scrapes]

[daringly] Mmm.

- [horse nickers]

- [chickens cluck]

[sighs deeply]

- So not cool.

- [music stops]

I said yes to the march

because I'm a tolerant person.

- Thank you, dear.

- [bright classical music playing]

I strongly believe

each person has the right

to express themselves.

And especially if exercising that right

means causing problems for Jan Paweł.

Want a treat?

[chewing]

[mischievous music playing]

[groans] I went on patrol to make sure

that no foreigners were squatting

in our woods.

Now, I'm not a r*cist,

but I don't like other

races.

Poles are just such superior beings.

And Lithuanians. They're pretty good too.

- [birds singing]

- [footsteps crunching snow]

A perfect scenario for today

would be running into a real Muscovite

and starting the Great Patriot w*r.

We'd conquer enemy territory,

and I'd no longer be a landless noble.

[grunts]

[sighs] Although finding a starling's egg

[laughs]

is pretty sweet too.

[sighs]

- [eggshell cracks]

- [branch cracks]

[eerie tone plays]

- Hello?

- [branches cracking]

Who's there?

[branch cracks once again]

- I can hear you!

- [eerie tone plays]

- [thuds]

- Hey!

- [menacing music playing]

- Who are you? Germans?

[man 1, in Tatar] Will he do?

He looks meager.

[man 2, in Tatar] It is what it is.

Let's get him!

- Bash-bash!

- [man 1] Bash-bash!

- I'm not going for any bash-bash.

- [man 2] Bash-bash.

"Bash-bash" is a well-known

Tatar expression for raid

and taking prisoners to sell

for ransom or to use as sl*ves.

- [Tatar men] Bash-bash!

- These are Tatars, and this is bash-bash.

- [man 1] Bash-bash!

- [Bogdan screams]

JEW'S

- [pleasant music playing]

- [indistinct chattering]

- Oh. Thank you so much.

- Enough, Izaak.

[sets box down]

I came for the wine.

- What wine, Father?

- For the altar?

This one's a real jester.

What do you want?

Do I have to want something?

Aniela, have I ever told you

you have beautiful breasts?

[gasps]

And hips.

Uh, maybe you would've noticed

if it weren't all hidden

underneath that flowy smock.

Believe me. I know. [laughs]

Why are you being so annoying?

[Jakub] What? Is it a sin

to tell one's own sister that she's hot?

[exclaims] Forgive me.

I've sinned. I'm absolved.

Knock, knock, knock, knock, knock.

If you'll excuse me, Father.

I need to get these delivered.

Look at that. The man said he had to go,

and off he went.

Decisive and true to his word.

Oof. Macho and sexy.

Celibacy is getting to you, brother.

[sinister bell chimes]

Youth today know nothing about lust.

A buddy of mine would get all hot

under the collar

at the sight of a woman's calf,

and take her straight to his cot.

Greatest vicar I've ever known.

[chopping]

Jan Paweł!

Jan Paweł, has a decision been made

to grant the Equality march?

Oh, Izaak

- I'm so mad, I can't talk about it.

- [saber rasps]

Please, use your words.

I'm afraid that the parade route is

under construction.

You won't be able to have your march.

The road is closed to traffic

for the rest of the day.

I was told that Bolesław the Wrymouth

may be buried somewhere under here.

We're excavating to see if we

find any important remains.

[sighs indignantly, chuckles]

That Wrymouth

A lousy ruler,

and even lousier corpse.

This is very unfortunate, indeed.

Yes, I was looking forward

to the big parade.

Mm.

Well, I hope the rumors blaming you

for the fiasco die down quickly.

- [chickens cluck]

- [goat bleats]

Rumors?

- Blaming me?

- Of course.

I've been telling my brothers in faith

that it was set in stone

once Andrzej had approved.

After Jan Paweł the Enlightened

convinced him.

[laughs nervously]

[goat bleats]

- But it's Wrymouth.

- Yes. Only you know what folks are like.

They hear a bell,

but can't tell from which synagogue.

Two versions of the story later

and all anyone will be talking about

is how Jan Paweł the Wrymouth

canceled the march.

[inciting music playing]

[Jan Paweł] Fine.

Fill the hole back up!

Chop, chop, chop, chop,

chop, chop, chop, chop, chop!

[chickens clucking]

[laughs, sighs]

- [shovel scrapes]

- [dirt patters]

[music stops]

[slow drum music playing]

[prisoner 1 moaning and groaning in fear]

- [apple crunches]

- [Bogdan] Mmm.

- [prisoner 1 screaming in pain]

- [munching] People say traveling educates.

It's the same with being kidnapped.

Personally, being held c*ptive

has shown me that Tatars aren't as bad

as latrine graffiti said.

Woah! Can Can I just finish my apple?

Whoa! [groaning and grunting]

[merry folk music playing]

[peasants laughing]

[laughter continues]

- [feedback squeals]

- Oh, gentlemen!

I just wanted to say

that you might wanna start trying

to find yourselves a date for the wedding.

[all laugh loudly]

- [peasant 1] Who's getting married?

- It's my sister.

[peasants agreeing]

She's so keen on marrying a magnate's son,

that she ordered us to plan her wedding.

Go, girl! [laughs]

[peasant 2] Did he say

she's marrying a magnate?

[peasant 3] Who'd be stupid enough

to marry that girl?

- Her ba*ls are bigger than mine!

- [water splashes]

[dramatic music playing]

Jealousy.

Deadly sin number four,

but also a powerful aphrodisiac.

[clanging]

Hey!

- Hi. [panting]

- [music stops]

I have some good news.

Dad said yes to the march.

- [exhales contently]

- Mm-hmm.

[clangs]

- [Aniela] Aren't you happy about it?

- [fire hissing]

So that's what's important right now, huh?

[laughs]

Of course.

[fire hissing]

I thought you might be too busy attending

to your big announcement.

[tong clatters]

- What big announcement?

- [scoffs softly]

- The one where you

- [fire hisses]

dump the lowly serf,

and keep the royal bloodline intact

[sniffs softly]

[cliques tongue]

by marrying the son of some magnate.

That kind of announcement.

[chuckles confusedly]

What the hell are you talking about?

[tong clangs]

[Maciej takes a deep breath]

Pardon me, my lady.

I forgot I was speaking to a noble.

No, you're speaking to an equal.

That should be enough

to not behave like this.

You idiot.

[fire crackling]

[whimsical music playing]

[doorbell chimes]

Come in. Come in. Come in.

We're at a temporary housing facility

for Tatar prisoners.

I'm giving the vibe here

at least five stars.

- This guy in the hoodie, that's Nameless.

- [Nameless screams, muffled]

- Waive to our guests.

- [Nameless groans, muffled]

This is Szczepan,

the youngest of our bunch.

[grunts]

And this is Bones.

[hissing, screeching]

He's a bit of a stiff. [laughs]

The Tatars keep us c*ptive here,

but who would wanna leave

with so much square footage?

Now follow closely and I'll show

you where the real magic happens.

[exclaiming contentedly]

Can you believe my luck?

This is twice as big as my previous stall,

with the same number of rats,

and much tastier rats at that.

- [whimsical music continues]

- [laughs]

Well, I'm starting

to like these guys more and more.

- Tatars are cool.

- [fire crackling]

And I'm hating on the Swedes

more every day.

Stockholm syndrome, I guess.

[mysterious music playing]

THE BARN, SEVEN O'CLOCK.

MACIEJ

[sighs deeply]

[Jakub] Operation Misalliance is

heading into the cl*max zone.

- [bell tolls]

- [splashes]

[mug clatters]

[fire crackling]

[Jan Paweł sighs]

Your mother won't let me in anyway

because I approved to the march.

Father, the discomfort you're feeling

is a testament to your troth.

What you're about to see

is gonna break your heart,

but you can't turn away from it.

- [John Paul scoffs]

- [door creaks]

[slams]

[shushes]

[door creaks, closes]

[chickens clucking]

[woman giggling]

[man sighs lustfully]

Can we do it the normal way tonight?

[sighs] What do you mean?

This is the new normal. [laughs]

- [romantic music playing]

- [woman sighs seductively, moans]

What brings you

to my doorstep at this hour, my lord?

It's late, isn't it?

Be praised, my honorable Countess.

I've come to humble myself at your feet.

Although I have

over 300 pear trees ripe

for the picking in my latifundium,

I only want to pluck the bounty

from your bush, my Countess.

[man and woman sigh lustfully]

- [whispers] What am I watching?

- [whispers] No idea.

[moans] Oh! My lord,

my patience has run out.

- I can wait no more!

- [whip cracks]

Bend over this second!

- [chicken clucks]

- [woman sighs]

[gasps, moans]

- [whip cracking]

- [both moan] Ah!

Don't tell my uncle, I beg of you,

because my uncle is

Margrave of Lower Lorraine!

- [whip cracking]

- [moaning] Ah! Oh!

[woman moaning]

[whispers] This freak show

is not breaking my heart.

But that very bad actor just mentioned

that his uncle is

the Margrave of Lower Lorraine.

[man and woman moaning] Oh! Oh!

[whispers] Father, I think he's lying.

[whispers] Of course he is.

So she won't punish him for the fruit.

- Now be quiet, and let me watch.

- [man, lustfully] My sweet!

- [whip cracking]

- [both] Oh! Ah!

- [melancholy music playing]

- [fire crackling]

- [ember clatters]

- [fire sizzles]

- [dolls clatter, thud]

- [sighs in frustration]

- [melancholy music continues]

- [indistinct laughing and chattering]

[sighs]

[music transitions

into a slow violin solo]

You want another?

I don't know.

Wanna talk about it?

- Men, huh?

- [Aniela scoffs]

They're a waste of breath.

- [man] Hey! How long do I have to wait?

- [inn caretaker] Ula!

[breathes deeply, sniffles]

I'll see you at the march soon?

[Ula] Oh

I thought the whole thing was canceled.

Canceled?

[glass shatters]

- [angrily] Why did you cancel the march?

- [sighs knowingly]

Aniela we have bigger things to tend to.

[fire crackling]

It's about Lord Bogdan.

He was captured by Tatars.

They left an arrow indicating

that they've taken him prisoner.

With his belongings next to the arrow?

- Mm, no.

- [sighs uneasily]

But his smell tends to linger

for quite a while, even outdoors.

This is a tragedy for our entire family.

[clicks tongue] It would be

in bad taste to parade right now.

You've barely even talked

to Uncle since he arrived.

You just don't want the march.

I really don't care what

sort of gods they worship,

but to celebrate their difference

in the streets?

- What about the children?

- Mm-hmm.

[breathing heavily, angrily]

The march is on!

No march without Bogdan!

If we get Bogdan from the Tatars,

we'll have the parade?

Well, barring any more obstacles, yes.

We'll have it.

[cloak swishes]

I'll bring him back.

The girl's lost her mind.

[yelling] I'm sick of everyone telling me

I can't do things

because I'm some kind of precious noble!

[objects clattering and clanging]

[Aniela breathes angrily]

[in Polish] Oh, Maryś, my Maryś

I am asking you, my swan ♪

To let me, to let me

Mow your little lawn ♪

[Izaak, in English] Aniela!

Is the march happening?

[Aniela] I'm working on it.

[in Polish] To let me, to let me

Mow your little lawn ♪

[in English] Do you think

we could use our connections to

To what?

Pull some strings, maybe?

Izaak, I keep telling you,

we don't rule the world.

- Mm-hmm.

- There is no Jewish conspiracy, you know.

- It's just a rumor.

- Yeah, I know. I know. [sighs deeply]

- [dramatic music playing]

- [horse neighing]

[Jan Paweł] Aniela!

Aniela, wait!

[horses neigh]

- [hooves clip-clopping]

- [Jan Paweł] Aniela, will you slow down?

[horses neigh]

[Jan Paweł] Sweetie, I'm asking you

for the last time to turn back!

Aniela, can you stop?

- You made your point.

- I did not!

Can you just take my side for once,

please, Dad?

I was already let down once today.

- What about your mother?

- I'll protect you from Mother.

- [horse nickers]

- And I'll protect you from the Tatars.

I brought my friend Władysław with me.

Should they try to attack us,

they'll taste our swards.

- Swards or swords?

- I don't have either.

I'll take care of them. And it's swords.

Władysław, you need a sword

against Tatars.

You said we were going out

to get "tartare."

I said, "We need to get some Tatars

out of the woods," not tartares!

Well, my grumbling stomach only heard

"get tartare," then I got on my horse.

Władysław No matter how drunk you are,

always remember, "horse, sword, key."

- [Aniela shushes]

- [horse snorts, nickers]

- [Jan Paweł] Whoa.

- [rhythmic drumming in the distance]

- [whispers] It's still warm.

- Huh?

- [menacing music playing]

- [arrow scrapes]

[Jan Paweł gasps]

We've come for my uncle.

We mean you no harm.

[door slams]

[music intensifies, fades]

Oh! [laughs]

It's Bogdan!

We'd like to buy him back.

[game show music plays]

- [coins jingle]

- [Jan Paweł] I have 50 coins.

That's all you're offering?

They'll laugh you out of the woods.

[game show tone plays]

They want 500.

They just want five.

Really? I'm definitely worth

ten times that.

[coins clink]

I'll bid three.

What is this?

I'm confused. You offered 50 to start.

Because I didn't know

his current market value.

[Aniela] Dad, let's buy all of them back.

What did I always tell you at the fair

as a child? You can only choose one thing.

[Aniela] They'll take them away

to who knows where!

- How much for the kid?

- [game show tone plays]

Thirty!

And the mystery bag?

[game show tone plays]

Ah, that's too rich for my blood.

We'll take Bogdan and the kid.

[Władysław stammers]

Hold on a second, Jan.

Let's be strategic.

[momentum-building music playing]

[Władysław] In hole number two,

you have Bogdan. A joke.

In hole number three,

there's the kid. A bargain.

But in hole number one, a mystery bag.

Just like you said,

"Doesn't that make your blood race?"

That bag could hold anything.

Like a stray cat. And I don't like cats.

It's not. It's obviously a prisoner

in a hood, Dad.

[Władysław] Come on, old friend.

Aren't you tempted?

You could potentially win something

so much cooler than Bogdan.

[Bogdan] My ears work just fine.

- All right. I'll take the guy in the bag.

- [prisoner laughs with relief]

Come on! We came here to rescue my uncle,

and that's what we're doing.

And the kid.

All right.

- Is this really your final answer?

- Yes!

- [fire crackling]

- [music slowly fades]

I've been talking to you all day long,

and you learned nothing.

Nothing! Do you hear me?

So I made a deal with these Tatars.

They made it clear

they didn't wanna fight,

knowing that Poles take no prisoners.

Although, technically,

in this case, we are taking prisoners.

Except they were our prisoners

whom were captured by them,

so we're just capturing 'em back.

[chuckles]

I mean, "who" were captured, not "whom."

- [indistinct laughing and chattering]

- [grand music playing]

[blade rasps]

The honorary patron

of this year's Equality March,

celebrating infidels of all races,

shall be my brave brother-in-law, Bogdan.

- [Bogdan] Hm?

- [music continues]

- [laughs]

- [slices]

- Whoo! [cheering]

- [all whooping and cheering]

And please give a big round of applause

to our guests of honor!

[all cheering]

All protesters are kindly requested

not to throw stones.

- [villagers chanting] Adamczycha!

- [drum and horn sounding rhythmically]

[chanting continues]

Live your best life in this place!

- [man] Stay on the left side of the road!

- [all chanting] Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

- Believe what you want in this safe space!

- [man] Heads up! The march is moving!

[chanting continues] Adamczycha!

- Adamczycha!

- [man] Watch out for provocateurs!

Do not get provoked!

[all chanting] Live your best life

in this safe space!

Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

Believe what you want in this safe space!

- [goat bleats]

- [all chanting] Adamczycha! Adamczycha!

- Believe what you want in this safe space!

- [melancholy music playing]

[melancholy music continues]