01x02 - Sunset Cruise

[bunniefuu]

[seagulls]

Here, fishy-fishy.

No, no, Hank. Gotta

hold it steady, okay?

Fish these days are smart.

They know when a worm

is dancing too much.

Oh, I think I got a bite, Mark!

Fish on! Fish on!

Okay, stay calm. Pull

against the drag!

Pump and wind!

Got him.

Hell yeah, Hank! Nice job buddy.

Oh we're eating

good tonight, Mark.

[boat motor]

Yooo,

Hoagies!

Ugh, great.

The one thing that can

ruin a nice fishing day.

Steve frickin' DelVecchio.

What's up Steve?

Oh you know. We're

just getting back

from a little fishing

trip with the boys.

The tug is the drug,

you know what I mean?

Oh yeah.

Wait.

Is that an earthworm?

They're using

earthworms for bait.

What?

Perfectly good bait.

Freshwater bait, Hoagies. C'mon.

Maybe try some squid strips.

Or maybe those little guys.

You wanna see a real fish?

Nah I'm good.

Yeah.

Pfft! Those even edible?

Bluefin tuna?

Wagyu of the sea, my guy.

Yeah, it's no marlin but,

yeah it's something, I guess.

Oh yeah?

You're catching marlin?

With worms? Pfft.

All the time. In fact,

I gotta get more

walls in my house

just to mount them on.

Sure, Hoagies.

Enjoy your widdle fishies.

Maybe you can mount

'em on your dollhouse.

[boat engine and waves]

Damnit.

Man, these fish are smart.

[♪]

Well, I used to work

at a hot dog factory.

Until them

robots came along.

And now

there is no job for me

But I get 3,000

bucks a month

Thanks to UBI

Now we're

Universal Basic Guys.

It may not

sound like much.

But we're

still gonna try

We're just

Universal Basic Guys

[reel spins]

C'mon c'mon.

[tweet]

Yoo.

Damnit, Hank.

Woah! You can fish in the grass?

This is a game changer.

Nah, I'm just testing

out this new rod.

Check it out.

Woah. That's no joke.

Aw you know it.

The Deepmaster Pro Triton Elite.

Push-button casting,

advanced reel seat,

20,000 pound test.

And it's collapsable

for portability.

I bet we can catch some big

perch with that bad boy.

Yo, forget perch.

We're putting a thousand

pound marlin on that wall

for DelVecchio to see

every time he drives by.

Well don't you look nice.

Thanks, hun. Yeah

I went with the

gold-stamped

aluminum front plate.

Not you, ding-dong.

Hey, why aren't you dressed?

We're gonna be late.

For what?

Uh the dinner plans you've

known about

for a month.

Uh uh, raincheck, Tam.

We got good tides.

I'm going marlin fishing.

Mark, we got reserved tickets

for this sunset dinner cruise!

Woah woah Tam. Did you

say a dinner cruise?

Like on a boat?

No, on a bus.

Yeah, on a boat.

Oh hell yeah. Im go

I'll be right back.

So did you invite that

girl from Instagram?

Is she coming?

I think so.

But every time I ask,

she just sends me a link

to her Amazon Wishlist.

Oh, heh,

I see.

Well either way,

it's gonna be fun.

There's karaoke and dancing

and David and Andrea

are coming, too.

They're very excited.

Ugh, I can't believe

you agreed to go on this

stupid cruise without

asking me David.

I thought it would be fun!

Well you could not have

picked a worse night.

We're piloting a new

self-driving truck in Fresno.

I need to be on-call.

Maybe what you need is a

romantic night

with your husband.

A little chardonnay,

a little sunset,

a little dancing.

It's been a while since we've

been intimate, you know.

Well, maybe it

has something to do

with the fact that when we are,

it lasts six seconds.

Uh..That's because I "love " you.

And I'm "attracted " to you.

I mean come on,

you should be thrilled

that I'm so virile.

David. We've been together

for fifteen years.

[cabaret music]

Ooh this is so fun.

Oh it's really fun.

Isn't this great Mark?

Oh yeah hon. Totally.

Ooh, I'm guessing that's

where the karaoke's gonna be.

I think tonight I'm gonna

sing "Rights to Your Heart."

Oh yeah. Totally.

I know, I know, I

always sing that one

but I never sung it on a boat.

Yep. Totally. Totally.

Mark.

Mark!

What's up?

Did you hear

anything I just said?

Yeah I heard

everything you said.

Oh yeah? What was

I talking about?

Ah, you were saying

how work is stressful.

Yeah nice try.

I was telling you what song

I was gonna sing for karaoke.

Wait, karaoke?

[electrical buzz]

Ughhhhh.

C'mon, Mark.

Try and keep an open mind.

I bet you'll have fun.

Oh you bet I'll be having fun

You look beautiful.

You know, I'm thinking maybe

tonight's an oysters night?

You feeling oysters?

[buzz]

Ugh. It's work.

Ugh. Andrea, it's a

multi-billion dollar company.

I'm sure they'll be okay.

I understand, David.

It's just that gimme a sec.

Hey, what's up?

Okay, calm down.

It drove through a what?

A school??

Dammit Jason, why

are they beta testing

in a fricken' school zone?

I thought these

engineers went to M.I.T.

Do they not teach common sense?

[piano music]

Hello.

Hi.

You here alone?

My date's just running late.

Uh, you know we're

already out to sea right?

Yeah I figured she could

still swim or something.

[laughter]

Well you're welcome to join me,

if you'd like.

Uh. Yeah. Okay.

I'm Nori.

I'm Hank.

[waiter]

And for you, sir?

Uh yeah let me get

some squid strips.

Calamari. Okay.

No, no. Just squid. Raw.

Oh

we're not actually

serving sushi tonight.

Okay then how about uh

you got sardines?

We do have sardines.

Okay great. Yeah let me

get a bunch of those.

In a bucket, please.

My husband, the comedian.

Anything else for you, sir?

Yeah, the branzino, please.

Lovely choice.

How would you like

that prepared?

Can I get that alive

and in a cooler?

Um,

I'll have to check

with the chef.

The hell are you ordering?

- Seafood.

What? I mean, we're on a boat.

Sardines?

Raw branzino?

What are you, a fricken seal?

No it's the, uh,

it's just the, uh,

Scaleo diet.

Raw, whole fish.

Optimizes the nutrients, okay?

The eskimos have been

doing that for like

four thousand years.

It's a classic eskimo

tradition, okay?

That's why they live

to be 190 years old.

Oh my god, Is that

Quick pic, quick pic, quick pic!

It is.

Guess who's here, Mark?

Who? Woah, woah, woah.

Fricken Leanne.

Oh crap!

I know, right?

Look at her. What is she,

like, some fake influencer now?

It's like, is she

even enjoying herself?

Oh by the way,

will you take a video

of me singing later?

Yeah, yeah sure. Yeah.

What are you doing?

Oh I'm just uh

looking out the

ugh window here.

Beautiful view

wow look at that sunset oh.

Unbelievable Tam,

it's unbelievable.

[DJ]

Mic check one-two.

Check it, check it, one-two.

Can y'all hear me?

Wooo!!! Yeah, I can hear ya!

What's up, boat fam!

It's your boy, DJ Swaggy Bangerz

Just want to let y'all know,

the sign up sheet for

karaoke is open for bizness!

Oooh. I'm gonna go sign up.

Okay ugh yeah have fun.

Sounds good. Do your thing.

Tell them it's an

infrastructure issue!

The street signs

were misleading.

"Slow Children" can

mean a lot of things

What the

Oh, you've gotta be

fricken kidding me.

Okay, let's see here.

Ooh, there it is.

Hello.

Here ya go!

Thank you, amiga.

It's my go-to.

Yeah it's

definitely a popular one.

Mark, you sure you

don't want to sing?

Mark?

Wow mama.

You're a big boy.

A very big boy.

Okay!

Are you kidding me?

You're fishing!

Tam I got something

really huge here.

Yeah, well you

can fish tomorrow.

Karaoke's about to start.

Come on, you know I

hate karaoke, okay?

I mean, who wants to

listen to a bunch of

random people's

terrible singing??

You know I wish

you could at least

pretend to enjoy

something I enjoy.

Yeah, well maybe

you could pretend

to be impressed by the

fact that your husband

has a giant monster

fish on the line.

[argh]!

Whatever.

I can have fun with

or without you.

What's that!?

I'll see you in a bit hon, okay!

Ow!

[smack]

Woah, oh.

Do I need the rights

to your heart? ♪

Oh no way.

That's my song!

Hey, I wrote my name

down for that song!

She stole my spot!

It happens.

No!

to your soul? Or is the ♪

'Scuse me?

Tammy?

What the hell are you doing?

I'm singing my song.

Cause you stole

it, you song thief.

What are you talking about?

No I didn't. This is my song.

Yeah right.

You stole it like you

stole my boyfriend.

Yup.

That's right, folks.

Wait,

are you seriously still mad

that I skated with John Mason

at the sixth grade

skating party?

That's pathetic.

I'm pathetic?

At least I'm not some middle

aged wanna-be influencer.

Are you that desperate

for attention, Leanne?

Grow up.

Wow.

That's not

that's not why I

I just

Uh Okay let's

hear it for Leen.

Leann, Leanne

Let's hear it for

Leanne everybody.

Next up is "Tammy Hoagies"

with "Rights To Your Heart"

again.

[music starts]

Uh, why don'y you

just skip this one,

Swaggy Bangerz.

Might want to loosen that drag.

Okay, buddy. I don't need you

fish-splainin' to

me, okay? I'm fine.

Oh that ain't no fish

That thar' is a whale.

[big splashes]

YOOO.

No I would say my dad

he's sweet but he's

just like, strict.

He just only wants me to date,

like, guys who are

like him I guess

if that makes sense?

Yeah totally.

What about you?

Are you close with your dad?

Not really anymore.

Oh. Why not?

Oh he's dead.

[laughter]

Oh my god sorry,

I should not have laughed.

I thought you were

making a joke.

Oh it's okay.

I like making you laugh.

[sigh]

Hank,

there's something you

should know about me.

Oh are you like a

Mets fan or something?

Uh, no.

I, um

Yeah.

Oh wow, you're in a wheelchair.

Well, that's cool.

Wheels and chairs are actually

two of my favorite things.

So it's not a deal breaker?

Nah,

they're just legs, right?

So we got a whale situation,

okay. No big deal.

Agh, no big deal.

Here ya go, Chief.

Oh the expert wants

me to stab a whale?

Pfft. Brilliant.

No. To cut the line.

Ya Silly-billy.

No fricken' chance.

Oh yeah?

Yer gonna reel in a

humpback with a fishing rod?

Yeah well this ain't just

any fishing rod, pal.

This is the Deepmaster

Pro Triton El

Yeah, yeah.

Does it have a harpoon?

A harpoon? Pfft!

I don't need fancy gadgets, pal.

I'm doing this the

old-fashioned way.

Now you listen here, greenhorn.

We're not talkin' about catching

red gills or billyquafers,

that thar' is a whale.

Whalin' ain't' some game.

Whalin' is a battle with the

devil's greatest monster,

knowin' full well you're

gonna end up stuffed

inside Davy Jones

locker or even worse

Old, and alone and forgotten,

skippering a tacky

karaoke cruise ship

and praying for the

day it founders.

Yeah gotta be honest I

don't know what any of

that pirate nonsense means.

It means you should

call it a day,

and head inside with

that pretty wife of yours.

Order yourself an Aperol spritz

and enjoy some drunk

lawyer butcherin' Bon Jovi.

Let me tell you something pal,

I'm gonna catch this thing

and when Steve DelVecchio

sees it mounted on my wall

he's gonna poop

his fricken pants.

Well, you must really

hate this fella.

Almost as much as

I hate Karaoke.

[action music]

Alright then.

Tighten that willy belt.

Loosen your shoulders.

Jam your left foot

under that bar

and bend your damn knees.

Remember,

you're not trying to

fight this blubber-head,

you're dancing with her.

The road we traveled on

was in the stars above. ♪

Mmmm, hello.

Just need to borrow

your phone for one sec.

Oh come

Really, Andrea?

No.

Work can wait.

David.

I want one dance.

But I really

Uh uh. No "buts."

Enough with the PR B.S.

Your spin isn't gonna

unflatten those kids.

Sorry.

So we might as well

have fun tonight.

Ooh David

I kind of like this side of you.

Yeah?

- Yeah.

Hold me closer, ♪

baby don't let go.

Come on. Let's dance, baby.

Come on!

No, not like that.

You want her waltzing,

not twerking.

Yo enough with shanty puns,

Davy Crockett.

We've been doin' this for

seven minutes already,

I haven't made a dent.

I wouldn't do that if I was you.

Oh! Oh!

David, did you really just

What? No!

Ow! Ow! Oh my god.

Ohh god.

Oh god. Oh my god.

Ow, ow, ow.

David? Everything okay in there?

No, no it's not good, Andrea.

I think uh

I think I broke it.

Wait, what?

How is that even possible?

Well, uh

Did you already have a

Yes.

Wow, okay.

We hadn't even started dancing!

Well there was a lot

of steamy subtext!

It's fine, okay?

Just go handle your work crisis.

Work can wait.

My husband's crises

always come early.

I mean, first.

You're, like, so chill.

Are you like one of those guys

who seems all

innocent and simple

but is actually,

like, really deep?

No.

You're such a liar.

Hank, There's something

else I need to tell you.

I I haven't been

fully transparent.

Oh yeah?

You can turn invisible?

I'm

a mermaid.

I'm half fish.

Oh, wow

which half?

Woah. You're a

paralyzed mermaid?

No, no no no. I'm not paralyzed.

I just use the chair

to get around on land.

I hope this isn't a dealbreaker.

No way. I think that's awesome.

Hey, you!

You have to turn

this boat around.

My husband is having

a medical emergency.

Sorry.

No can do.

What do you mean?

You're the captain aren't you?

Not anymore.

I'm sorry?

My dear,

I'm afraid we're on a

Nantucket sleigh ride!

Uhh, what does that mean?

It means we're being dragged

out to sea by a whale.

You've got to be kidding me.

Mark, you need to cut this line.

This whale of yours is

towing us out to sea.

Sorry. No can do, Andrea.

I'm deep in a battle

of wills between man

and the devil's

biggest beast thing

anyway I just need five

more minutes, okay?

It's getting tired.

And then what are you

gonna do with a whale,

Mark?

I'm gonna have it

mounted,

that's what.

Pretty sure that's ill*gal.

Oh yeah? Tell that to the

Museum of Natural History.

Oh god.

It's turning purple.

Oh come on.

You'll be fine.

How do you know?

Because the same thing

happened to me once

and I lived to tell the tale.

Wait it did?

And like, is everything

still working down there, or?

Oh yeah.

Better than ever!

Hah.

Now I've got permanent wood

and I last forever.

Oh god.

Would you like to hear

the twisted tale of

how this old sailor

lost his dong?

Uh, no thanks.

[sobbing]

Hey,

Leanne.

What do you want?

I just want to say I'm sorry.

I thought you stole my song,

and I was wrong.

I shouldn't've said all that.

Yeah, well,

you're not wrong.

I pretend to live this

crazy influencer life,

always having fun but

the truth is,

I spend most of my time alone,

on my phone.

My husband was supposed to

be here with me tonight,

but he had to work and

bailed last minute,

again.

Oof.

Well, if it makes

you feel any better,

my husband's currently

out on the deck fishing.

Seriously?

If my husband was

out fishing tonight,

I'd freakin' k*ll him!

Well, you're welcome to

throw Mark in the ocean

if it'll help you

blow off some steam.

[laughter]

I'm gonna order two beers.

You want two, too?

And maybe a tequila shot?

My girl. Let's go!

Hehe!

Wait what do you call these

little tridents again?

Oh I always forget.

I just call them thingamabobs.

Me too!

That's so funny!

Sorry to interrupt

Some bad news from the kitchen.

We're down to the kids menu.

Grilled cheese, chicken nuggets,

and hot dogs.

Ew.

One thing I just

don't understand

about land people

hot dogs.

Gross.

And that's how I

learned that "blowhole"

was not meant to be

taken literally

Okay, sure, I mean the

media loves whales,

but nobody stops

thinking of krill.

I mean, whales eat like

five tons of those things a day.

So if you're a krill,

I mean, you know,

whales are basically

floating holocausts.

Mark. Shut up.

I'm calling the Coast Guard.

Ah, geez, alright.

Time to bring you

in, baby, let's go.

[action music]

Come on you stupid whale!

Yeah!

Got her!

She's tired out!

Oh no,

she ain't tired.

She's angry.

And she's coming

straight for us.

Do I need the rights

to your heart? ♪

[crash!]

[alarm]

Yo yo.

It's your boy DJ Swaggy Bangerz.

Just got word that

we got a little

Titanic situation happening

but it's all gravy baby

just remain calm,

grab some of that

sweet life vest drip

and make your way

to the lifeboats.

Peace.

Mark Hoagies,

you better stop fishing

and put this on.

Tammy,

I'm real close here, okay.

Just five more minutes babe.

You are five minutes

away from being dead.

Let go!

Well look who it is,

Mark Hoagies!

I should've figured.

Ugh DelVecchio.

The hell are you doing here?

We heard the distress

call on the way back

from our very

successful fishing trip.

Little did I know,

we'd get the added bonus

of watching a moron

try and fish off a sinking ship.

This is classic.

Oh yeah? Well

when you see the size

of the hog I'm reeling in,

you're gonna need a

diaper change pal.

Enough, Mark.

Let it go!

Just a sec, Tam.

[splash]

Woah.

Hoagies,

are you stupid?

That's a fricken' whale.

You can't be bringing

that thing in!

Oh you wanna bet?

Mark!

Are you insane?

Let go of that rod, now!

Come on, Tammy!

We gotta go.

It's clear what

his priorities are.

Are you fricken

kidding me, Steven?

Leanne?

What are you doing here?

I'm on the karaoke

dinner cruise, Steven.

You know, the one you bailed on

'cause you said

you were working!

I, uh

Well the thing is Well

You lying scumbag!

I can't believe this.

You know what Steven? I'm done.

This is the last straw.

Babe, listen.

These tides.

You should've seen them.

Look!

I got a marlin!

Great.

Enjoy your last day on the boat

before I take it in the divorce.

Wait.

Are you being serious right now?

Do I look like I'm kidding?

[sad music]

You know what Steve,

I'm gonna toss this one back.

'Cause I already got a keeper.

Ah Tam. I'm sorry.

Maybe I don't got a

fancy fishing boat

or some big trophy fish

hanging on the garage wall.

But I got something way better:

a trophy wife.

And you know what,

the only whale I need

is you.

[music stops sharply]

Ah. Just get in the

fricken lifeboat.

See you around, Steve!

Hopefully she'll let

you keep the marlin!

Mark, can you please hurry

before I lose my

[loud boat horn]

Oh thank god.

Crisis averted.

Captain you coming?

Not today Swaggy.

I've got a long overdue

date with Davy Jones.

Okay,

but you know we got

plenty of life rafts.

Nah.

All my friends died

at sea long ago.

And it's high time

for me to join them.

Take me Poseidon!

Weeeeeeee!!!

You know sometimes, Hank,

you gotta know

when to let 'em go.

But there's always

more fish in the sea.

Yeah.

So, Hank

where's the cute girl I

saw you talking to earlier?

We had some irreconcilable

differences.

[splashes]

[eating]

I don't understand.

Everything was going so well.

And then he just got all weird.

Enough with these land boys.

Your place is here

under the ocean!

You're right.

This is where I'm needed.

What the

no,

no!

Damn you, Poseidon!

Alright, Mr. Jinglebells.

Let's see here.

Got some good news

and some bad news.

The good news is

it's gonna heal fine

and still be functional.

If you'd gotten here

a few minutes later,

might have been a

different story.

Oh, thank god.

So what's the bad news?

Well

I'm afraid there was

some nerve damage.

Nerve damage?

Yes. Unfortunately,

you're gonna lose

some sensitivity,

so you know it might take

you a little longer to

Finish.