01x03 - The Devil You Know

[bunniefuu]

[camera record beeps]

I'm Mark Hoagies
and this is "Human Cannonball."

Ok, Hank. Get in.

Uh... I don't know
about this Mark.

It's fine Hank.

There's a safety
net right there.

Uhhh... can we like maybe

test it out first or something?

Oh my god you're k*lling
me here, Hank, okay?

I know what I'm doing.
I'm not d*ck Cheney.

But what if I like,
blow up or something?

Okay, dammit! Cut!

Mernft, can you help me here?
Is Hank gonna blow up?

Ahh... Yeah.
I thought that was the point.

No it's not the... Okay,

you know what
maybe we can try it

with a crash test dummy.

Oh no no.

Those things are way
pricier than you think.

Holy crap, a million dollars??

You know, there's actually
something you could get

that's a lot cheaper

and way more realistic...

I'm talkin' inside and out.

Damn. That thing's no joke.

Oh yeah the craftsmanship
on these things, incredible.

I mean they get every detail
down to the fallopian tubes.

Damn yo.

This thing's gonna
be perfect for like,

simulating the aerodynamics.

Alright, let's do it.

Okay. I'm putting in the order.

Yo Merf, you don't
think Tammy's like

gonna get the wrong idea

when this thing arrives
or nothing, right?

Nah. Don't worry.
I got you.

[doorbell]

David Jinglebells?

Uh. Yup that's me.

[crate opens]

Oh my god.

[♪]

♪ Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory. ♪

♪ Until them
robots came along. ♪

♪ And now
there is no job for me ♪

♪ But I get 3,000
bucks a month ♪

♪ Thanks to UBI

♪ Now we're
Universal Basic Guys. ♪

♪ It may not
sound like much. ♪

♪ But we're
still gonna try ♪

♪ We're just
Universal Basic Guys ♪

Yo... Mark.

What's up hon?

I'm sure you're doing
something very important

but it would mean a lot to me

if you could spend
some time with Darren.

Oh absolutely, yeah.
I take a lot of pride

in being an involved stepdad.

When he gets back from his dad's
we'll hang out.

We'll do a little bonding.

Uh. He's been here since April.

Oh get out of here
are you serious?

I didn't even notice him.

Exactly. He's barely
left his room

in like three days.

I'm worried he's gonna spend
the whole summer up there

and not make any friends.

No problem, Tam, okay.

I'll hang out with him.
We'll get outside,

we'll make some friends,
we'll get into some trouble.

Okay maybe not that last part.

C'mon, Tam.
Maybe the reason

he's not making any friends

is because you're a bit of a,

you know, helicopter parent.

I am not.

I just don't want yous
to do anything stupid.

Cannon's loaded.

Me? Do something stupid?!
PFFFFT!!!

I have fun, Tam,

but I do not put the
people I love at risk.

[bang]!

[creaking]

- [crash]
- Woah.

That was awesome.

What's up Buddy?

Hey Mark.

You got any interest in hanging

out with me and Uncle Hank?

No thanks.

I don't want to play with g*ns.

It's not a g*n, Darren.

It's a cannon.

A cannon is a g*n.

No, it's a classic...

medieval ball sh**ting... tool.

Oh would you look at this?

A cannon is a 'large
caliber g*n classified

as a type of a*tillery.'

Oh c'mon. You can't
trust the internet

Darren, okay?

You know how you really learn?

By going outside and
doing experiences.

Yo. You wanna throw
this bad boy around?

Please put that back.

No Darren,

this boomerang is a classic toy.
We gotta play with it!

It's a decorative artifact.

My dad got me that
when he was in Australia.

Okay what's the point
of having a boomerang

if you're not gonna
throw it Darren?

If we do this,
will you leave me alone?

Maybe.

Andrea this is a mistake.
I swear.

Uh can you just
leave it in the box?

Oh no, sir.
You ordered white glove service.

You don't even have
to touch the box...

Well, this box.

Huh... What?!

Are you trying to send
me a message, here?

What? No!

You want it in the bedroom?

Can you just take it
back with you please?

If you want to return it,

there's a QR code on the back

that you can get all the info.

Oh my god.

Maybe next time

pick a delivery window
where your wife isn't home.

It's gotta be some
kind of mistake

or practical joke [click]
or something.

Pretty expensive
practical joke...

[movie starts]
"Hello David Jinglebells ".

"Congratulations on
your new Real Babe,

the ultimate pleasure
doll experience."

Heh?!

"We're going to walk you

through all the intimate
details..."

Oh god. Skip!

"Beneath the natural silicon
exterior is our new,

state of the art self-heating,

strawberry flavored..."

Skip!

What? Ew.

Skip please! Uh,

tell me how to send you back!

Send back!

"Nano-fiber polyester
landing stri...

Functional lactating...

Tentacle attachments...

Just load the milk
into the cartridge..."

Wow David.

Really splurged on
the trim package.

"Enter promo code
MothersDay for 30% off

our new pregnant
belly expansion pack!"

So the fun thing
about a boomerang

is that when you throw it,
it comes back.

Which makes it a very
ironic gift choice

coming from your father.

Okay Darren so here's
what you're gonna do okay?

You want the flat side
against your palm.

Just like this okay?

And then you make sure
the curvature

is facing the direction
you're looking to throw.

Okay, you angle your arm


and then you're
just gonna let it

roll off your fingers, okay?

Here we go.

Okay, there we go.

Okay you see it?
No? Don't worry

it's gonna come back so...
any minute now.

Keep an eye out,

keep an eye out.

It'll sneak up on you.

[window breaks]

Ugh, that's the end of that.

Thank you Mark.

Uh uh.
No way, Jose.

We are going on an adventure!

Ugh.

If we somehow find this thing,

it's going right
back on my wall.

Uh uh. Attitude shift.

We're gonna find it.

And then...
we're gonna throw it again.

[eerie music]

Bingo.

See that broken window up there?

I bet it's in there.

I gotta say, Darren, okay
that was a hell of a throw.

If that damn house
wasn't in the way

it would have
definitely come back.

This is so sketch.

So we're just gonna
knock on the door?

Yeah. What's the
worst that can happen,

okay, we make some new friends?

Now in sales,

this is what we refer to as a
"cold call" okay?

Hank is gonna make small talk

while you and I,
we sneak upstairs

and we get the boomerang.

Or we can just apologize
and ask them to get it.

You want to let whatever
weirdos live in this house

know we broke their window?

Oh yo, wow!?

I mean... hi.

I mean... hello, ma'am.

My name's Mark. I was
just wondering if-

What did you say about a window?

Oh I was just saying that uh...

You know I love some
of the trim work

on these windows-

Go away!

[door slams]

Darren, now that's
called "playing hardball"

no problem.

Every "no" brings you
closer to a "yes."

Yes?

Oh hey boss, so,

you know we've been out hiking

and I really gotta
use the bathroom, so...

Go in the woods!

You know the thing is,

it's kind of a number
two situation and um...

and I'm allergic to leaves so.

You are?

Hank!

One moment, please.

The man just wants
to use the bathroom.

No!

Come on, Deborah.

We haven't had a guest in ages.

Lest you forget,

there's a reason we don't
have guests, Charles.

Oh relax.

Down the hall.

First door on your right.

Actually, is there a
upstairs bathroom I can use?

I need a little privacy.

I got a little, had
a whole two burgers

for breakfast
situation happening,

you know what I mean.

No!

Don't be rude, Deborah.

You're welcome to use the
upstairs hallway bathroom.

Really appreciate it.

C'mon Dar.

Why does the boy need to come?

Oh uh... Darren here?

He's my uh...

he's my wipe boy.

Wipe boy?

What?

I'd love to have a wipe boy.

Eww!

Andrea, how many times
do I have to tell you?

I didn't order this, okay?!

David, it's fine.

In fact, I'm thinking about
ordering my own doll...

Oh wow, this one looks
just like The Rock.

Okay, enough. I'll throw it out.

Uh, you cannot put
that in our trash.

Are you insane?

Ok well I'll return
it this afternoon.

Fine, but until then

can you move it out
of the living room?

The thing weighs
like 120 pounds.

Is it that unbearable to ju-

I will move it.

Yes, I will move it.

Argh!

Come on, let's go.

[foot tapping]

Huh!

Cool place.

Thanks.

So when was this built?

Like the 50s or something?



Woah. 1730s?

I didn't even know
houses were invented yet.

So uh, what do you do for work?

We are the custodians
of something evil-

Enough!

What's taking your
friends so long?

[creaking]

Yo Dar,

that's gotta be the attic right?

Oh cool,

the chained up room
in a creepy-a*s house.

Sounds like a great idea.

C'mon, Darren.

We're having an adventure.

[voice from behind door]
"You looking for your boomerang?

I got it in here.

Just unlock the door."

Ahh... Wh...
What was that?

Darren, you heard
that creepy voice.

It's got the boomerang.

[chains rattling]

[Deborah]
"Everything okay up there?"

Oh yeah! All good!

All good! Sorry...

just finishing wiping up.

C'mon Darren!

Get that dingleberry!

Alright let's see here.

[crash]!

[Jersey Devil]
"See ya!"

[musical notes]

Oh my.

[frantic panic]!

Welp. Happy, Charles?

I told you this would happen!

Do you have any idea
what you've done!?

Uh. I guess I let your
pet goat bat thing out?

I mean who cares.

No, you fool!

You've just unleashed...

The Jersey Devil!

So when you say "unleashed
the Jersey Devil,"

is that like a good
thing or a bad thing?

The hellish beast

will reign terror
upon our community.

Its wrath knows no bounds!

Okay, so it's a bad thing.

So uh...
what are we gonna do?

The only way to catch this beast

is through the dark sacrament.

We must head to the
ceremonial circle

and build a pyre of white cedar.

The incantations
will lure the devil

to the blood sacrifice.

What the hell...

and upon his satiation

he will sleep for three days-

Pfft! Blood sacrifice?

Yeah, that's never gonna work.

Oh yeah?

You're gonna tell us,

the guardian family
of this abomination

for over 300 years,

how to find the Jersey Devil??

Uh... I got news for you.

It's a friggin
flying goat, okay?

How hard can it be?

You look in the sky for a
friggin goat with wings.

Ok genius.

Why don't you go do that?

But since "You"
unleashed this horror,

one of you must stay back...

for the sacrifice.

Uh yeah, that's all you Mark.

Okay whatever lady.

Okay Hank, can
you just deal with

whatever c*ck
nonsense they wanna do?

You got it, Mark.

David.

Focus.

Argh... argh

Next.

Sorry, it's a little heavy.

Okay looks like we got a...

- Real Babe doll?
- Uhp! Yes.

It was shipped to me by mistake.

Hm. Sure.

So there's a whole
process for these things.

It's gonna be a few minutes.

Connor!

What's up?

I need a hand!

I got a customer returning
a Real Babe Doll!

A what?

A real babe doll.

It's one of those
fancy lifelike sex-

Hey could you not?

Can you just come
over here for a sec?

And bring the scissors.

Is this necessary?

If you want to return it, yes.

Alright, let's just go.

[snip, snip, snip]

[customers gasp and laugh]

[click]

So uh, where we headed?

The ceremonial circle.

Ooh. Sounds fun.

Well.
Sounds more fun than it is.

Will you shut up, Charles?

What?

It's nice to speak to someone
pleasant for a change.

You don't name the chicken
you're going to slaughter.

Get off my back.

Well, here we are.

You sure this is the place?

So we know this thing
is half bat, half goat.

Now what do bats eat?
Okay they eat berries.

What do goats eat?

Trash.

So, what we need to do
is find a berry junkyard. Okay?

Ooh... maybe a berry landfill?

It's pointless.

The thing is
probably deep in the

Pine Barrens at this point.

C'mon Darren, okay.
It's gonna take time and skill,

but we're gonna
hunt this thing down

and get that boomerang back
if it's the last thing I do

before I throw it again.

[thump]

Woah, yo!
Well speak of the devil!

I told you it'd be easy Dar!

Sup dudes.

Can I come in?
I got your boomerang?

What do you think, Dar?
Gotta let him in, right?

Uh. No. Are you dumb?

Come on. He can't be that bad.
He brought the boomerang.

I gotcha.

Please don't hurt us!

Dude what? What're
you talking about?

Why would I hurt you?

But aren't you like
the devil or something?

Well you know I'm not
"the" devil.

That's my dad.

Uh.

I just wanted to

thank you guys for freeing me.

Ah. Least we could do.

I mean your guardians
seemed like

a couple of whack-a-doos,
you know what I mean?

Oh dude, tell me about it.

Yeah, they keep me
locked up in the attic

away from people,

so you know I never get
to make any friends.

But you guys seem cool.

That dingleberry bit that was...
oh my god, had me dying.

- I was dying!
- Oh yeah, you like that?

Yo that was a good one, right?

You like that right?

Yeah that was good.

Yeah totally.

So would it be cool if
I crash here for a bit?

Ah no problem, yeah.

Um... are you sure
about this, Mark?

Yes Darren, okay.

I know you're not used to
meeting new people "IRL"

but this guy's obviously cool.
Don't worry,

I'll talk to your mom.
You guys have fun.

I'll get out of your hair.

Alright Mark, see ya.

So, uh,

what do you like to
do on your computer?

Hey, hun.

So, how 'd it go today?

Let's see, we played outside,

met some new neighbors...

Oh, and ah...
Darren made a new friend.

So yeah,

you could say it
went pretty well.

Get out of here! That's great.

Who's the friend?

He's some neighbor kid.
You know, seems cool.

He's actually upstairs in
Darren's room right now.

Oh wow!
I should make them some snacks.

You know if this kid's
got any allergies?

Nah. Seems like the kind
of guy who'll eat anything.

Oh yeah this guy's pretty funny.

He mostly streams Farm Crossing

but he's always
like, super baked.

Oh dude, that's hilarious.

If you want I can send you a
bunch of my favorite streamers.

Oh thanks man,

but you know we
don't get internet

at our creepy old house so.

Hmmm. I mean you're
not that far away.

I can just like,

get a WiFi amplifier.

Oh dude are you serious?
That would be sick!

Hey there kids I made you-

Oh my god!

Hey Mom! This is JD.

Oh hey Ms. Hoagies.

Uh... hi.

Mark!?

What is that "Thing"
in Darren's room?

It's not a "Thing" Tam.
It's the Jersey Devil.

What!?
You left my son alone

in a room with the Jersey Devil.

Woah woah woah. That's not fair,
I consider him a son too, Tammy.

Darren cannot be friends
with a "Satanic Beast "!

C'mon Tam.

You gotta keep an
open mind here.

It's not like Darren's the
most normal kid either.

What the hell does that mean?

I'm just saying.

He's not Zack
fricken Morris, okay?

Hate to break it to you but
if you expect his friends

to look like AC Slater,

gonna be a little
disappointed Tam.

Mark.

Get up there and tell that

thing it needs to leave.

Ughh fine.

I'll be the bad cop.

Hey Dar?

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Uh, in private if that's cool.

Oh yeah no problem.

You know I was just about
to go hit the vape so.

So your mother wants
me to talk to you

because she feels that
certain friends of yours,

new friends,
may not be the best kind of...

thing to be hanging out with.
You know your mother pfft.

What!? Oh come on!
He's actually cool.

Listen I hear you
buddy okay but-

Ugh, I finally make a friend

and now I can't be
friends with him!

Listen, you know how your
mom is with the whole

"I don't like the
devil" nonsense,

you know. Forget it!

Screw you both!

Tell mom I'm out
"doing" experiences.

Ay come on Dar. Dar!

Come on JD!

Let's get out of here!

Alright, you go
have fun alright?

Crazy kids.

Come on I got a
baloney in the car!

Okay let's see here.
Okay, serial number is in.

Are we almost done?

Almost. Connor,

can you go grab the
blacklight wand from the back.

Blacklight wand? Why...

Yeah just gotta make
sure it hasn't been used.

Can't we just skip this part?

Listen man,
I don't make the rules.

Okay so what you want to do
is just run that over the doll

and look for any glowing spots.

Got it.

Wait, what do the
glowing spots mean?

Just scan the damn
thing, Connor.

[scanning buzzes]

Okay. We're good.

No no, no Connor.

All the way down.

What?!
Come on, this is ridiculous.

[scanning buzzes]

[dramatic music]

Uh...

what does it mean if
the feet are glowing?

So? How 'd it go?

Eh not great. You know,
Darren climbed out the window

and they flew away.

What!?

Are you kidding me!?

Oh my god there's no
winning with you, Tam!

"Get him a friend" I do that.

"Get him outta the
house" I did that.

Whatever I do it's wrong!

Mark, stop it.

Just help me find him?

Alright Tam,
but it's like a whole ordeal.

You gotta build like a
stone temple pilots thing

and then do a blood sacrifice.

Okay, I say you
just give him time.

This is classic,

healthy teenage
rebellion stuff, okay?

He'll be back.

They're in the woods.

Uh. Helicopter Parent Alert.

You see this is the problem-

In the car. Now.

Sancta mater diaboli libera!

Sorry.

Would you mind getting

your other leg for me?

Sure, no problem.

[translation: Holy mother,
deliver the devil!]

♪ and the bunny goes
round the loop . ♪

♪ And the loop goes
round the tree, ♪

♪ and the bunny goes
through the leg... ♪

Charles!

Are you chanting or chatting?

Sorry.

Sancta mater diaboli libera!

♪ Sancta mater diaboli libera

No no you don't sing it.

Oh I thought we
were singing a song.

You got a real nice
voice by the way.

Doesn't she?

I always tell her she sounds

just like Tom Waits.

That's not a
compliment, Charles!

I can't believe my parents
kicked you out like that.

They don't even know you!

Oh it's fine. I'm used to it.

I hate them sometimes.

You know, believe me,

parents can be a lot worse.

Your dad seems
pretty cool actually.

Mark?

He's my stepdad and believe me,

he's not cool.

He tries way too hard.

Well at least he tries.

And my mom is a total
hypocrite, okay.

First she wants
me to have friends

and then she says you're
not good enough for her?

Like seriously?

She's not completely
wrong, Darren.

My dad is literally the devil.

Who cares man?
That doesn't define you.

There's a reason they
keep me chained up.

Oh boy it's starting.

What's starting?

"It Is Time "!

Um... Time for what?

"For The Sacrifice "!

Oh we're doing a campfire?

I actually got a few
hot dogs in my pocket.

Or are you just happy to see me?

[chuckling]

Knock it off and
get out of the way!

Deborah, do we really
need to do this?

He's a good guy.

Yes, Charles.

This is how it's been
done for over 300 years!

But don't you ever feel like

we're perpetuating
this cycle of violence?

I don't care what it feels like.

It works.

[dramatic music]

What's gotten into you man??

"I Must Feed "!

Uh, feed on what?

"Humans "!

Humans!?

I can't be friends with someone

who eats people,

okay! Take me home!

"Too Late, Darren "!

"I'm Blood-Lusting "!

"The Signal "!

"Dinner Time "!

[dramatic music]

[crunch]!

Hm this body tastes different.

It's not bad though.

There's like a hint of...

what is that like,

strawberry?

[dramatic music]

[crackling fire]

Oo, my toes feel nice and warm, thanks.

That's it!

I'm putting my foot down.

You fool!

How else are we
going to lure the J-

Hank?

Oh hey Darren!

We're doing s'mores and stuff.

JD, you're early.

We're still preheating the pyre.

Nah. It's all good.
I'm full.

What do you mean you're full?

I found this awesome
meat substitute,

it tastes just like
berries and trash.

What? But...

the ritual!

Hey you know what?
Screw your ritual!

You're a bunch of enablers!

It's all that damn
chanting that makes me

all bloodlust-y in
the first place.

See?

Yo Devil!

You think you can
steal my stepson?

Not on my watch!

[boomerang flies off]

Darren! Mom!

No more hanging
with devils, okay?

But he's my friend, mom.

You can't be friends with that!

Oh come on.

Mark is friends with Mernft Man.
He's way worse.

We'll talk about it later,

but for now you're
grounded for a month.

Okay. Sweet.

I guess being grounded
for 300 years

does seem a little excessive.

Have you lost
your mind, Charles?

He's the "Devil "!

JD watch out!

Darren!

[thud]

Boom. Headshot.
You like that, Tam?

Saved your kid... I mean our kid.

My kid.
I love you, Dave.

[knock, knock, knock]

Mark?

Hey, David.
Did you happen to get

a delivery for me?

Maybe like a big
box or something?

Yeah, Mark. I did.
Was that for you?

Yeah. Doin' a little project.
Didn't want, you know,

Tam to get the wrong idea.
You know what I mean?

Mhm, I see.

Anyway, can I get that from you?

Nope. It's gone.

I destroyed it.

Let me tell you, I absolutely
obliterated that thing.

Aaaah David!
I bet you did, buddy!

I bet you did! Yo!!
Yo, there it is!

Well I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Anyway, that was six grand

so whenever you get a chance
you can just Venmo me.