01x05 - Jaws of Life

[bunniefuu]

No no no, see, you're not
considering that

Oompa loompas are
basically super nurses.

I mean come on,

That one girl was basically
a stage 4 blueberry and

They juiced her back
to life in like a day.

No, no no.
Completely wrong, okay?

A gremlin would demolish
an oompa loompa.

All you'd find is dna evidence
of its stupid little wig and

Its little orange skin, okay?
Guy did a whole video on it.

Ah, stupid ads.

Ew mark.

You gotta skip a
ten second ad that badly?

Yes, okay. It's a
matter of principle.

I'm like the postal service.
Okay, rain, sleet, snow,

Buffalo sauce, I'm hittin'
that skip button.

Oh my god!

No, it's fine. I got it.

No, I think that guy's choking.

[choking]

Eh, he's fine.

No no no.

He's choking!
He's choking!

[gasp]

[choking]

Come on, work with me!

[coughing]

[crowd applause]

You okay, hon?

I- I think so.
Thank you so much.

Oh, don't worry about it.

Just drink some water
and you'll be fine.

Tam, you missed the whole part
where he explains oompa loompas,

They could even have
little whangdoodles.

What?

You're not gonna
acknowledge the fact

I just saved the guy's life?

I mean, I think you're being
a little dramatic tam, okay?

The guy was gonna be fine.

He was turning purple.

Listen, I just take a more
measured approach before

Rushing into a risky
maneuver like the heimlich.

I mean, if you don't know
what you're doing,

You could crack
someone's ribs. [snap]

Mark, I know what I'm doing.

I'm certified in
advanced life support.

Yeah, well I'm trained
in advanced...

Real life hard knocks.

I think you're just embarrassed
because your wife saved

A guy's life while you sat on
your a*s eating chicken wings

And watching videos about
wangnoodles or something.

They're whangdoodles, tam.

[♪♪♪]

Well, I used to work
at a hot dog factory

Until them
robots came along

And now
there is no job for me

But I get


Thanks to ubi

Now we're
universal basic guys

It may not sound like much

But we're still gonna try

We're just
universal basic guys

Hey, yo!
Stop eating all my cookies.

What are you talking
about, your cookies?

These are from paul.

Paul? Who's that?

The guy from the restaurant.
Read the note.

"for tammy, my hero."

Yeah, okay, creep.

The hell is wrong
with this guy?

He's not a creep, mark.

This is what happens when
you save someone's life.

People appreciate it.
Unlike someone I know...

Oh c'mon, okay?

I think "hero" is a
bit of a stretch okay?

You were in the right
place at the right time.

Hah! Oh yeah?

How many lives you
save this week, mark?

How 'bout this month?

Have you ever saved a life?

I mean I'm just waiting for
my opportunity, that's all.

And what are you gonna to do
when that opportunity arises?

You haven't even taken
a basic first aid class.

Nah nah nah.
It's not about training, tam.

It's about having
the right stuff,

The guts to run into
that burning building.

The courage to punch that
shark, boom, right in the face.

Guys like
me, being a hero?

It's in our blood.

Nuh uh.
Life-savers only.

[loud chewing]

Mm. The taste of appreciation.

Pfft!

Right place. Right time.

[screeching]

Ah, here we go. Here we go.

[honk]!

Ooh! Damn.

You want a hot dog, mark?

Come on hank.
Not now, okay?

We're here to save
lives not eat hot dogs.

According to my police scanner
app, there's already been

Two accidents here today.

This whole intersection's a
fricken black ice death trap.

Oh. Well, maybe
we should... Uh... Move?

What are you talking about?

We're in a prime
position right here.

The minute we see
a crash, we swoop in,

Pull 'em to safety, and bam,

We're getting cookies
sent to the house

And tammy's gettin'
none of them.

And also we could
save someone's life.

Yeah, also that, yeah.

[screetch and crash]!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!

Oh hell yeah!
Let's go hank! It's showtime.

Whoa.

Watch yourself hank, okay?

This is a slippery
situation here.

Ma'am. I need you
to stay calm, okay?

We're gonna get you out of here.

Come on, come on!

Ah, the fricken door is locked.

Okay ma'am listen,
I need you to unlock the door

So we can go in there
and save your life.

Uh, maybe we should call 9-1-1?

Why would we do that?

So she can get help?

She's already got help.

[thud]

Ow!

Hank, could you
break the window?

Okay.

[thud]

Yo this glass is no joke.

Probably bulletproof.

She might be a
diplomat or something.

Whoa whoa whoa!
Hank, are you nuts?

You're gonna crush
that lady's head.

Throw it through
the back window.

[smash]

Okay, ma'am
I'm coming in.

I'm coming in ma'am.
I'm gonna help you.

I'm here to save,
oh, ow.

- Stand aside!

[dramatic music]

Whoa. Cool.

How you doin' pal?
Okay, listen up.

I need your guys on
crowd control, okay?

I need them securing
this perimeter okay?

You, I need you holding my legs
as I go through the back window

And pull the driver to safety.
You got that?

Sir, I need you out of the way.

Nuh uh. Sorry, pal.
This is my scene.

Can we get this guy out of here?

Alright bud, come on,
back up, back up.

Ay come on. What the hell?

Is this how we treat
heroes these days?

Hey tom, fire up the jaws.

[dramatic music]

Ahh!

Thank you.

[crowd applause]

Unbelievable

Man, firefighters are awesome.

Oh come on, they didn't
do anything, okay?

The jaws of life did everything.

It's all about being in the
right place at the right time,

And having the right tools.

Yeah but that's
a hell of a tool.

Hell yeah it is...

- Yoooo.

What's goin' on hank?

You wanna grill up some dogs
and watch the flyers?

Not today hank.

Check it out.

Whoa. Is that what
I think it is?

Aw, you know it.

Jaws of life baby!

We're gonna save so many
lives with this bad boy.

Man. These instructions
are no joke.

Oh, c'mon.
Nobody reads that crap, hank.

Just youtube it.

Here's one: "how to
use the jaws of life."

Oh come on,
eleven minutes long?

Forget it.
I'll just figure it out.

Alright hank,
so this is just a simple

Grab-and-lift maneuver, okay?
Basic stuff.

Yo after this I wanna
test out those cutters.

Don't worry I got you.

- So am I gonna get
a jaws of life?

No, no hank. You got a
way more important job.

- Oh, yeah?

Oh yeah. You're
the k*ll switch guy.

That means you
run the generator.

You give life to
the jaws of life.

Whoa. How do I do that?

Okay, so you see this
switch right here?

- Yeah.

Okay. You flip that on and off.

- Awesome.

Okay hank. Fire it up.

[click]

What is going on here?

Yo stand back, tam, okay?

This is a very powerful piece
of machinery right here.

And how much did
you spend on this?

You should know
better than anyone.

You can't put a price
tag on saving lives.

Hah, yeah, okay.

Well, I'm headed to the
hospital to actually save lives.

Oh geez.

Looks like I might not
be the only one headed

To the hospital today.

- Very funny, tam.
I know what I'm doing.

[snap]!

[splat]

Boom!
Nailed it.

Okay mernft.
Let me see that leg.

Actually you know what,
I'm-- I'm good.

[radio] all engines, we got a
minor stuck in the jungle gym

At glantontown elementary.

Holy crap, did you
hear that, hank?

Kid stuck in a jungle gym?

That's like a classic
jaws of life opportunity.

Oh that's true.

Maybe we should
call the firemen.

No, hank. If it's on a scanner
they already know about it

So we gotta get there quick!

Come on, let's go,
go, go, go, go!

[child grunting]

It's gonna be okay, sweetie.

The firemen are coming.

Uh oh. Looks like
somebody's in a pickle!

But don't worry bud, I'm
here to save your life.

Wh--, what?
Save my life?

Mommy?
Am I gonna die?

No no no.

It's gonna be okay sweetie.

Don't you worry.

Okay, okay.

We're gonna get you
out of here, dude.

I'm sorry.
I'm just a little confused here.

Are you with the
fire department?

Nah. Even better.
I'm with hoagies fd.

"hoagies fd?"

Oh, we're the best of the best.

The ones the firefighters
call when they need rescuing.

[click]

[loud engine]

Now just stay calm, buddy, okay?

It's totally safe
what I'm doing here.

So how we doin' today?

- Bad.

Ah c'mon. Let me tell you
could be a lot worse, okay?

I've seen some stuff, okay?

I saw this one video, this
guy under a train, friggin'

Half his body's out there,
organs are wiggling like it's

Friggin' some android
and aliens--

- Yeah. Okay, let's not.

- What the hell
is going on here?

Oh here we go.

Everything's under
control okay?

- Oh god, this guy again?

Where'd you get that?

Yeah none of your
jurisdiction pal.

Okay, pal.

Well this is not a
jaws of life situation.

Are you kidding me?

This is a textbook
jaws of life situation.

It's a three-minute wrench job.

Well, we don't have
that kind of time.

Okay, I need you to stand
back so we can do our job

And get those bolts off.

Uh excuse me, but maybe let
the jaws of life specialists

Determine our approach.

Buddy, are you even
trained on that thing?

Pffft! Was schindler trained on
how to make lists when

He saved a bunch of jews?

Was harriet tubman trained
on underground railroading?

Was friggin' indiana jones
trained on pulling little

Asian boys out of lava pits?

No, I don't think so.

Guys like me,
we are born with a phd

In saving lives, buddy.

Hank, what the hell!

Hit the k*ll switch!

Man, these last few
days the er has been nuts.

If I ever find the dude
who designed that intersection

I'm gonna put him in
the emergency room.

- Well, if it isn't
my guardian angel!

Oh, hey... Uh... Paul?

You remembered?
Her coffee's on me.

Oh, you don't have to do that.
You've already been so generous,

What with the restaurant tab
and the cookie basket and all?

I insist. Heroes shouldn't
have to pay for coffee.

You know... That is so true.

Ha, ha. Thank you.

- See you around!

- That was kind of weird.

Oh he's just appreciative.
I saved his life.

- But like, how'd he
get your address?

I don't know... Google?

[phone]

Oh!

Eh!

You okay, pal?
You're doing great.

Yeah. I'm alright.
Are you okay?

Oh, yeah.

I can't even feel
my arm anymore.

There you go.

You were very brave.

In fact, I think you could
be a firefighter someday.

Oh, my god, get a room.

Really?
That's cool.

Get out of here, kid.

See? I told ya.

This was never a jaws
of life situation...

But it is now.

Tom, grab the jaws.

Let's cut this moron out.

[dramatic music]

There you go.

Hey, if you really want
to be a hero,

Next time, just call us.

Here. Stay out of trouble.

[laughing]

Okay well that was rude.

Yeah. He didn't even
offer me a lollipop.

Friggin' knock off
piece of crap.

Thing snap like a twig.

I guess those firemen got
the better tools, eh?

Hmm...
Not for long.

Whoa! Is that the
fricken hoagie brothers?

Hey, artie.

How's it goin' artie?

Ah you know, keepin' busy.

Ah you know I still can't
believe they let you go, man.

I mean with all those
new robots in the factory

You'd figure they'd still
need a technician, right?

Yeah well, apparently
those humantis robots

Got other robots
who do the fixing.

Wait, so who fixes the robots
that fix the robots?

It's robots all
the way down, hank.

Whoa.

So I know youse ain't
here for a welfare check.

What do youse need?

I call it
the exoskeleton of life.

What is this, your fricken
arts and crafts project

From when you were eight?

No artie, it's the
ultimate life saving tool.

Can you build it or not?

Yeah, of course I can build it.

The question is why
the hell would I?

Uh, how about to save lives?

Eh. I don't really like people.

C'mon, artie. Just imagine me
in this thing, smashing glass,

Slashing through steel, prying
open hunks of burning metal...

It'll be awesome!

Oh man, that sounds
like a freakin' disaster.

I'll do it.

When she opened up the freezer,

What she found was...
A human head.

[doorbell]
oh!

Oh...

Paul.

Haha, yep.

So I realized I sent you
chocolate chip cookies before,

But then I saw on your ig
that you're more of an oatmeal

Cookie enthusiast so I was
kicking myself and decided,

Ah what the heck,
I'll just bring her

Some oatmeal cookies. Hehe.

Paul, you really
don't have to do this.

You've already done
more than enough.

Oh get outta town!

Tammy, you gave me my life back.

This is nothing.

[awkward silence]

Okay well, have a nice day.

[door close]

"oatmeal cookie enthusiast"?



[door locks]

Okay hank, you ready?

- Yeah. Let's go.

Fire it up.

[engine starts]

[bang]

Whoa.

Uh, did I pull the string
too hard or?

What the hell, mark?

You can't wait five seconds
for the door to open!

Yo artie you k*lled it, man.

This thing is too
fricken awesome.

Alright, let me show you
what you're working with.

So let's see. You got your
spreader tool. You got your ram.

Your circular saw.

Right here you got your
extendable grabber claw.

On your hip is a
wideband police scanner

And I even built in a hot dog
cannon in case you need a snack.

Awesome.

Hell yeah.
C'mon, hank.

Time to go lend a helping hand.

[♪♪♪]

[crash]

[♪♪♪]

[crash]

[♪♪♪]

[meow]!

[crash]

Man, we're really
making a difference

In the community mark.
Feels good, eh?

Hell yeah.

[phone calling]

Yo tam check it out,
I just saved a life.

Hon, that's a cat.

Cats are people too.
You ever heard of garfield?

How about you give up this
charade and I'll let you

Have some of my cookies.

Paul just dropped
off another box.

Wait what!?
Oh, come --

I told you that guy was
a fricken weirdo dude.

No he's just a... A nice guy,

Who's... Really, really...
Uh...Appreciative.

Yeah well you know what,
I'm good.

I'm getting my own cookies.
Later, hon.

Yo, ma'am, can I get
some cookies for that?

You totaled my car.

Pfft okay whatever.

[radio] we've got an overturned
school bus on the corner

Of maple and western...

Oh no, that sounds pretty bad.

We gotta call the
fire department.

No, hank!
An overturned school bus!?

That's like the filet mignon
of saving lives, okay!

We're gonna be swimming
in cookies. Lets go!

Where do you think you're going?
I need your information!

Sorry, ma'am,
I got lives to save.

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[ding]

[doorbell]

[whispering] what the
hell is it with this guy?

- Tammy, you need
to block this dude.

I mean maybe he's from
the midwest or something

And we're not used to being
treated the way that--

Oh my god!

Jasmine he's still here.

- What!?

- Tell him to get lost
and call mark, now --

Okay, okay, I gotta go.

No thank you!

- I insist!

No.

- Ew!

Ahh!

How the hell did you get in?

Oh, I just let myself in
through the chimney.

Sorry to get all
santy claus on you!

Hahaha.

Anyway, I got you flowers!

Enough!

You need to get your a*s
out of my house right now.

I don't understand.
I thought you liked tulips.

Hey!

- Ah come on! Out!

I was just trying to
show my gratitude!

You're my guardian
angel, my hero!

We have a special connection!

No. I'm not a hero, and I'm
not your guardian angel.

I'm just a fricken nurse.

I save lives every day.
It's just part of the job.

But you need to be appreciated!

Nuh uh. I don't need any
more appreciation.

I need you to leave. Or else
I'm gonna get you a gift, pal...

A restraining order!

[door slams]

Daddy does not do
rejection well.

[dramatic music]

Alright children I need
you to all remain calm.

For I am here to save you.

[dramatic music]

Where the hell are the kids?

Oh no we're too late.
They're already ghosts.

Ah are you kidding me!
Fricken first responders.

[expl*si*n]

[power outtage]

[eerie music]

[phone message]

[eerie music]

[door rattles]

[door creaks]

Ugh. What a day. Ugh.

[click] oh great,
now the fricken power

Is out too.

Man this grid's a joke.

Tax dollars hard at work eh?

Whoa there, bryce harper.

What's with the bat?
Everything okay?

Oh yeah no all good just um...

Power's out and you never
know if some weird creep

Might happen to... Not that
there would be but you know...

With all the cops busy dealing
with all the chaos and all

I'm just keeping an eye out.

[sirens] oh my god.
Wait a minute. You're right!

It's perfect!

There's probably
accidents galore.

This is like the gold rush of
saving lives right here!

Right place. Right time.
Right tool...

And not enough
first responders.

Hank! Fire up the suit!

[crash]

Aw what in the hell, mark!?

Sorry tam, there's people
out there who need me.

I tried to be nice
to you, tammy.

Grrr, I treated
you like an angel.

And if you don't
want to be my angel,

Then I'm gonna send you to hell.

Woah!

[screeching]

[crash]

Oh boy hank.
We got a live one baby!

Right place, right time,
right tools...

And no firefighters in sight.

Oh geez. You're right.

I'm going in!

[dramatic music]

We did it, mark.
We saved this guy's life!

Hell yeah, I did!

We're eating gift basket
cookies tonight, baby!

Uh huh.

Wait. Do I know you
from somewhere?

You saved me...

[gasp]

It's all good, bud.

You know, I'm just a good
samaritan who happens to

Like double chocolate chip
cookies, so you know...

- Uh, I think
he's choking, mark.

Oh, that's who this guy is.

Uh, maybe we should give
him the hitler maneuver?

The heimlich?

Oh is that it?

Okay come 'ere.
Come 'ere.

Alright...

Uh... You want me to find
a youtube tutorial?

Nah nah nah,
I got this, okay?

It's basic stuff.

[grunting]

Come on, you son of a b*tch.
Come on, get it out.

Spit it out. Come on, buddy
pop the dog, pop the dog.

Pop it out.
Pop, pop, pop.

[argh]

You know what?

I think we all learned
an important lesson today:

When the grim reaper
decides it's time,

There's really no special tool
that can get in his way.

Sometimes it's just your time...

- I got him. I got him.
Move!

Whoa! Okay.

Yo what the hell?

How do they always
get here so fast?

Wait, hank. Did you call
the fire department?

- Yeah.

Why the hell'd you do that?

- I don't know.
I thought they could help.

Dammit hank.
Let's get out of here.

Argh!

[coughing]

My...

New... Hero.

Don't worry about it, pal.
Just doing my job.

Well can I at least,
I don't know,

Buy you a beer
or something?

I-- I don't normally...
Eh... You know what?

What the hell.
It's been a long day.

I mean really, who the hell's
this heimlich guy anyway?

Some german pervert running
around humping people

And one day a piece of steak
flies outta someone's mouth,

And now he's a freakin'
thomas edison of choking?

Pfft. I don't buy it.

[eating loudly]

Oh yeah.

- You're nuts.

Shaggy would eat
sandwiches like

Two feet high in one bite.

Nah tam, wouldn't even
be a contest, okay?

Alf has eight stomachs.

Yeah but he only eats cats.

No no no. He ate
all kinds of stuff okay?

The cats were just a delicacy.

So, how was your
first aid class?

Eh, not for me.

Hank said you fell asleep.

I mean well it's just,
you know, by the thirtieth

Chest compression
it's like, I get it.

[television reporter]
coming up at 11:

A glantontown firefighter kills
a home intruder with an axe,

After the man apparently...
Tammy: - Oh my god.

Entered his house through
the chimney.

[choking]

[bystander] - somebody help!

He's choking!

Uh, we'll take the check.