01x02 - Great Salesmen Make Their Own Turf

[bunniefuu]

Oh, no, no, no, caller.

You're wrong as lace panties
on a hog in hot number two.

That kid's got bright-lights-big-leagues-
scrape-your-jaw-off-the-turf talent

with a heart true
as grandma's gravy.

And I'll eat a zone-catcher's gym
sock if he doesn't come out tonight

pitching nuke-the-town heat.

That's right, Vistaville.

You're talking Volts' Jetball
with Fastball Frank on WYBS.

Show your queen
who rules the scene

with Marvin, Vistaville's
HoverCar King...

Joe. You look spiffy.
Big plans today?

I'm trying out this new day job,
actually. It's a pretty great opportunity.

It won't interfere with my
shifts, though. I promise.

I see. Your life, your business.

It's in sales.

Kind of a big change, but with Ma's
hospital bills and everything I...

Sales, huh?

I never figured you for
the greedy, shifty type.

But hey, you go
get 'em, hotshot.

And if you're not a
millionaire by tonight,

I got another
shipment you can hump.

Right. Well, thank you, Mr. Hartoonian.
I knew you'd understand.

There's absolutely no
reason for alarm. Stop.

Up here, today's a day like any
other, spirits are sky-high. Stop.

Of course, minor launch
delays are a natural part

of any growing Lunar
operation. Stop.

Funds are out to your sales
managers to cover any refunds,

but we trust that you'll
keep our customers' eyes

on tomorrow's smiles,
not today's delay.

Sincerely, new line, Stanley
Jenkins, comma, Brightside Lunar HQ.

Morning, Boss. Ready for your
shave, plus cooling lotion?

g*dd*mn it!

Not today!

To all account managers, new
line. For immediate action.

Usually, I'm the first one down.

Textbook desperation-punctuality.
Look at him eating his eggs.

Like a born nobody
going nowhere.

Hey. Big morning for
ya, huh, there...

Jerry?

Joey. And it's nice
to see you guys again.

Call me Mr. Nickels,
and that's Mr. Porter.

So, you ever sold
anything before, Son?

Oh, no. I've mostly just
worked in groceries.

Retail? Wow.

You know, you really
blink a lot when you talk.

Might wanna work
on that, seriously.

Some say it gives the unconscious
idea that you're half a perv.

That's a free tip.

Tip I was going to say is,

how the customer is always
the most important thing,

and never push them, but
never take no for an answer.

'Cause at the end of the day, what
comes first is always the Brightside.

Uh-huh?
- Uh-huh.

What a morning! Right, Shirl?

Wire came in for ya.

Listen to this from the moon.

Jenkins says no launches
till next quarter.

That's cash to refund
whoever wants out.

g*dd*mn it! We're out there
giving people our word.

Our bosses turned us
into a bunch of liars.

And I got a day's worth of no-fun
calls, letting everyone know it.

Well, you make a root canal
sound like great news.

Then how does this sound?
Those leads are limp.

We need to move on from Vistaville
or find a way to cast a wider net.

Now, I was thinking...
- Enough with the wide-net talk.

We're juggling the whole fruit bowl
as is. And you know, great salesmen...

Make their own turf.

More like I make the turf.
But it's a nice saying.

I've seen worse. Here's one.
Give the new kid half a shot.

You're gonna burn a good
lead on a kid you just met?

We both know he's not
closing anything today.

Oh, wow. We're gonna have a
hell of a day proving you wrong.

Sometimes you're like talking
to a brick wall, Jack.

World's made out of
brick walls, Shirl.

Hey, have you seen this?

Jack, it's Sal
from Silver Creek.

My oldest, Nina,

and then this little
rascal, Vinny.

He's trouble, just like Gramps. I
just can't wait to get up to the moon.

We've got the whole clan back
together again thanks to you.

I'm forever grateful to
you, Jack. Take care.

Cute kid.

Kind of makes all that
talk about refunds

and wide nets seem
pretty silly, right?

He gets to be a dad again.
And we did that for him.

What's better than that?

Heya, Boss.

Can't wait to get started today.
- That's a new suit, isn't it?

Looking sharp.
- Yeah. Good morning, fellas.

God, great to see the
three of you together.

Some leads for ya.

And I think I will ride with Joe
today, maybe learn a thing or two.

Great one, Mr. Billings.

I'm sorry.

Are these today's leads,

or are they rejected obituaries
for being too depressing?

Now, don't tell me you're scared.
- Don't you be afraid, Joey.

Remember, you will never be worse
at this job than you are today.

He's not afraid. He's...

He's...

Oh, no, it's... it's fine.

It's actually wiping out just great.
- No, no. Hey, don't sweat it, kid.

Most mornings, I'm much worse.

And I got an extra that'll
go great with that suit.

Let's leave these guys
here to gripe without us.

Thanks.
- For the record, I had no gripes!

Shut up, Herb.

Here. I saved you
boys a decent one.

Pull yourself out
of the hole, Ed.

God bless you, Shirl.

You're like one of those furry dogs in the
snow with the booze thing around its neck.

Yeah. Maybe you can remind Jack that
this is a business, not a day care.

Yeah, gladly. Come on, come on.

Have a wonderful morning.

Did you look at the...

Thanks again for the
loaner, Mr. Billings.

Five bucks you
call me that again.

All right. Deal, Jack.

The tie was my old man's.
It looks pretty good on you.

Hey, you ready to
take your first swing?

Sure. But I'm not gonna
watch you do it first?

What, and get twice
as nervous waiting?

No, no, no. I just mean, I read
up on everything that you gave me.

I just... I don't, I don't...

You're gonna do great, kid.

Okay? This is not half as
hard as asking out a girl.

And who's any good at that?
- All right, fair enough.

Well, how about your first
time behind the wheel?

I wouldn't really
know about that.

Well, what have you been
doing with yourself, Joe?

We... Hey, no.

You ever play ball and
you face a full count,

you swing for the fences...

Watched a lot more
than I played, I guess.

We got a bush league team
over here. The Volts.

Wait. You don't say.

What do you mean?

And here, why, I wasn't
even thinking you're a fan.

No, no, I'm a pretty
big fan, actually.

Well, I got us all
tickets this morning.

Front row, right
behind home zone.

Tonight?

It's game two of the semis.

Higgins is pitching.

Well, yeah, exactly.

Only I was gonna tell you later, like
as a congrats on a great first day.

Cat's out of the bag.
- Yeah.

Wow, Jack! I mean, I don't
know if I deserve it yet,

but I promise I'm gonna earn it.

Okay.

Well, then let's rip this Band-Aid
off and make a salesman out of you.

All right. Okay.
Yeah, here goes.

Can I help you?

Hi, yes. I'm Joey Shorter.

With Brightside
Lunar Residences.

You know, ma'am,

a lot of people today
aren't actually even aware

of the kinds of opportunities
that are available to them

in terms of the new kind of life
that you could actually afford.

Well, maybe you've got
your hands a little full

with that little angel
there. We could come back?

Sure, sure.
- Great. Thanks.

Y'all two gentlemen
have a nice day.

Well, you have a nice day too, ma'am.
It's a beautiful fam... Beautiful...

That was worse than I thought.

Hey.

It's great that you're
tough on yourself, but...

that might have been the best
first shot I've ever seen.

Marv, hon! You gotta see this!

Let's show Private Brownnoser

what grown men can do with
a choice lead, shall we?

No need for a pep talk, Ed.
I try my best no matter what.

This is perfect timing,
really. How soon can we go?

A woman who knows what she wants.
Earth's finest, rarest creature.

Check out that Jacuzzi.

Now, picture you, some
swank bit of swimwear...

What couldn't wait?

And who let in these bums?

Hon, you're gonna flip.

All those promises about
getting away together,

somewhere nice where
we can be alone.

I found us the perfect place.

I know, Mr. Mayburn. But most
difficult decisions in my life,

my wife always has the
exact right answer.

I should also mention we
have time-shares available

for the occasional
escapade. No big commitment,

you sneak in a little bit of fun.
- I see.

I always thought it took movie-star
money to get up there, no?

I don't do escapades,
Marv. You said just us.

Exactly! A home you could
both share together forever.

Or sometimes a real man likes to keep his
options open affordably and discreetly.

Are you six years old?
- I'm not going to answer that.

Then how about laying back on this one,
'cause you're way in the dark here, okay?

You got a problem, Mister?

No, ma'am. No,
ma'am. It's all...

It's hunky-dory with me.
It's beautiful. It's natural.

No, sir, love's a many-splendored thing.
- Get the hell out of my house, you creep.

Can I...
- Get the hell out!

Okay.
- Now!

So, usually at lunch,

we do an update on all the things
that are going really good.

I try to at least.

I didn't get in a single door.

Doctor, front-porch-itis.
Possible terminal case.

Jack's been really nice, though. Hate
to think that I'm letting him down.

Probably are.

Not getting in the door is about
the worst thing that you could do.

Said the drooling man-child who
just botched a sure thing B-Plex.

I wouldn't give up
on that lead, Ed.

Hey, remember that D-Plex
that I sold to you?

What great things did I say
then that might help you now?

Well, you were
real knowledgeable.

And...

it was more Jack's
speech, honestly.

Him calling Buck Manzell
didn't hurt either.

One born every minute.

Who, me?

You really think that an American legend
like Mr. Manzell is gonna hop on the phone

twice a week from his
A-Plex just to sell for us?

It was actually prerecorded.

It's kind of, like, this
trick that Jack does

to warm up the crowd.

That's sales, rookie.

Really sorry the Easter Bunny wasn't
here to break that news to you.

No, I know.

Know what? You two
can sit here chatting

like grannies at bingo.

I got units to move.

He's pretty hardworking, huh?

We all are.

I'm gonna finish my food fast, and
get back out there. You should too.

Look at you.

sh*t!

Five behind home zone.
Whatever it costs.

What exactly are we celebrating?

Hey, it's a ball game, Shirl.

You got hot dogs, happy
families, fresh-cut grass.

You don't like that,
something's wrong with you.

And get some popcorn for the
boys with the change. You too.

Am I writing this off as an expense?
- Course not. It's on me.

Spoke to most of our sales about
the delay. Out of 48, we lost six.

The Mitchells need to launch
before the baby comes.

Figure try them back
in a few months.

And the Pearlmans are worried
there's no chiropractor.

Low gravity is
great for the spine.

I'm trying to keep
these folks happy, Jack.

But I call with bad news,

and they start imagining
a million new problems.

But that's a great sign, Shirl.

They tell us their problems, they
trust us enough to solve 'em.

The kid get inside a door even?

He will. And I'll tell you
all about it at the game.

If he doesn't?
- Never thought about it.

That's why I have to.

How about if he
doesn't, you let him go?

Get your mind back on sales.

That's pretty cold, Shirl.

But sure.

I'll lay the house on him any day.
- I got your word on that?

I'll shout it from the
g*dd*mn rafters if I have to.

You can't save everyone, Jack.

We do welcome pets.

Here I am, laid off after 20
years taking it no grease,

and you wanna pinch what little I got
left with this shined-up horseshit?

Well a man like you
doing such hard work,

I'm sure you earned a carefree getaway.
- Not from you. Thanks.

Don't take it from me. I mean,
just look at the numbers.

Tell me, do you own your home?

Why don't you tell me how many
pencil-d*ck suits does it take

to screw a town of
good people to death?

You've got us all wrong, Mister.
I'm actually from Vistaville...

You're scum! Rotten
bloodsuckers, all of youse!

I'm sorry you feel...
- So he's scum with his ambition?

His bright future?

That's great advice coming from
a ham-faced, slobbering drun...

You must be Mrs. Mayburn.

I am, but whatever you're selling,
my husband handles all that.

Marvin.

Right. Have a nice day now.

Forgive me, ma'am, but...

are you totally sure

that this is as happy a
home as you think it is?

Excuse me?

I know firsthand...

that a loving marriage
is built on trust.

So, if you're planning a getaway

or a fresh start somewhere
very far away from here,

I would do my best to
give you a great deal.

That's enough, thanks.

Are you familiar with a Cindy?

I met her. Here.

Earlier.

And all I could say is a woman
of quality, like yourself,

deserves better.

Easy for you to say.

If it helps, he was ready
to do the same thing to you.

Could be the escape
you've always dreamed of.

Well, you know what?
I learned a lot today.

There are gonna be more
leads tomorrow, right?

You remember the grandma
that you had earlier,

who begged off to get her cookies
out of the oven? She liked you.

I guess.

So, pretend that I'm her, okay?
You just gave a good pitch.

The smell of cookies is
drifting in from the kitchen.

Now I gotta go get 'em out of the
oven before they burn. You're up.

Okay, well, ma'am,

if I could just have another
moment of your time...

No, no, no. They're burning
right now. I just told you that.

Well, I'm happy to wait on the
stoop until you get back...

Like a Peeping
Tom? Oh, no thanks.

Trust me, ma'am, you don't
know the opportunities

that you're missing on the moon.
- So now I'm stupid?

I'm d...
- Smell the cookies, Joe!

Your grandchildren
would have a great asset

that you can leave to...
- Jesus!

Smell 'em. And what do you say?

Smells pretty good.

Pardon me, sonny?
Little hard of hearing.

The cookies smell great, ma'am.

What are... What are
they, chocolate chip?

Well, yes. Thank you
for asking finally.

Now, would you like to come
in and share one with me,

and sell me on my new life
that I desperately need?

Because my husband is
dead, my kids don't call,

and I spend my days baking
cookies and eating them alone.

Do you think she's
really that sad?

And if we don't
help her, who will?

What if...

What if I didn't actually
smell the cookies?

You better damn well
find a way to smell 'em.

How about we try
another one, okay?

Just get inside one door.

Okay. Okay.

All right.

Come on, kid.

Let's go, Joe.

Find a way.

Come on, Joe.

Yeah! There he is!

That's my boy.

The hell, Eddie?

Who are you hiding from?

What, is napping a
criminal offense now?

So that solemn vow you made last
night, all blubbering and naked,

how I'm the only bet you'll
ever need, that didn't stick?

It stuck. And then it unstuck.

What the...

Shirley, what is this?

Maybe you're unfamiliar. It's
money that hasn't been pissed away.

They let you hold bags that size,
and you didn't tell me about it?

Yeah, don't get too aroused. It's
refunds. They're pushing launches.

Sweet sadistic Christ.
Are you kidding me?

Humble salesmen are
already drowning.

Now they're gonna throw
that turd in the pool?

Jack's taking the new kid to a
ball game. We get to tag along.

Is that right?

Shir... Wait, Shirley?

I'm having a vision of me and that
bag at a game at a wager window,

and many, if not all,

of my financial problems
just valiantly solved.

Maybe we can find a better
plan than you losing more money

that you don't have.

Ladies and gentlemen,

welcome to game two of the
semifinals at Volt Park in Vistaville

for tonight's match-up
between the Denver Dynamos

and the Vistaville Volts.

Look at these seats, right?
- Yeah.

Never been this close before.
- You earned this today.

Tore off the training
wheels, never looked back.

Might have helped if I had
actually made the sale.

Now, as your boss, I'm telling
you to forget about all of that

and enjoy the game. Okay?

Right.

Hey, guys? Great seats.

You know I played right zone
in junior high, right? Nacho?

Watch hi... Shirley, Shirl,
watch Higgins' lateral.

Tell me that is not a game-botching
hammy injury he is hiding at plus 160,

and us with a rare
capital opportunity here.

You're hallucinating.
He's just stretching.

What? Look at him.

Show your queen who
rules the scene,

with a royal deal on
high-class wheels.

Oh, this putz. In real life,
this guy is unnervingly tall,

he two-times his wife,

and he's got a scraggly
dusting of chest hair.

But he's the one
rolling in dough.

Marvin, Vistaville's
hovercar king.

"Great salesmen make
their own turf."

What?

Shir... Where are you going?

Look at him, Herb, he's
practically crippled.

Oh, gee... I... I forgot
that thing in Shirley's car.

Melting NachoPole here.

You know what's missing?
A couple of cold ones.

You want to come track
down a BarBot with me?

No, I'm fine.
- None for me, thanks.

Come on. Come on.
Where's that damn car?

Selling one would be a
great next goal for you.

For now, you should be proud.

Getting in the door is a good step,
considering how bad you were doing.

Hey, can I tell you
something? Just between us?

Sure. I'm very trustworthy.

I didn't actually get
in that door today.

I just paid the guy ten bucks
to let me stand inside a while.

Why?

I don't know. For
Jack, you know?

Well, you ended up lying to
him, which is definitely worse.

Right, yeah. Feels that way.

Hey, Joey?

I can keep this a secret.

I'm just worried it's gonna hang over
your head the rest of your career.

Hey, can you...

Do you think you could give this to Jack
when he gets back, and just tell him...

that I'm sorry?
- Sure thing.

Ladies and gentlemen, please
rise for the national anthem.

sh*t. sh*t.

g*dd*mn it, Shirl.

Come on.

Play ball.

No!

At the end of the fifth
inning, number 15, Johnny Zapp.

He got in a door,
Shirl. g*dd*mn, did it.

You did right by him, Jack.
Not your fault he's not ready.

Third striker. You are out.

Three, two, one, blast off.

Hey, that's our ad.

To a new beginning
beyond the stars.

g*dd*mn, Shirl. That's how you
spent it? The ba*ls on you.

Brightside Lunar
Residences are the new...

Look at this crowd. Imagine
if we sold all of them.

Our collection of
fully furnished...

What do you say, Jack?
Making our own turf.

You're way out of your depth.

Shirl, how are we supposed to
handle this type of volume?

You got no clue how
this is gonna play out.

Home is where the happiness is, not
the headaches. Where you're free...

easy to be your best.

To live, love and laugh, and
leave the strains and stresses...

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

Well, that's not where
I would have put 'em.

But hey, that's
why God made mops.

Don't hurt yourself helping out
too much there, Mr. Salesman.

Guess you hit the
jackpot today, huh?

That's why you're still
half asleep on the job.

I can take care of this on my own.
- That bad out there, huh?

Well, I'm just glad
you're back in real life.

Hope you can stay a while.

You know, the day went great,
actually. I closed three before noon.

"One of the best days a
rookie's had," my boss said.

Really? You pulling my leg?

Thanks for believing in me.

Oh, no. Hey, hey, not that.

And the company's
really taking off.

You know, Jack says it's an
opportunity for a real career.

You don't say.

I guess people must really be
getting sick of life down here, huh?

Sure. Well, I mean,
w... Can you blame 'em?

I'll tell you one thing.

You're never gonna catch
me in one of those rockets.

No, of course. Of course not.

Boy, I mean, you have
your whole store here.

I mean, this place
is your whole world.

Lemme tell ya,

you would not believe the
rockets they have now.

Plush seats,
c*ck waitresses.

Hey, I get it's not for you.

Myrtle?

Hey! Myrtle?

Myrtle!

Hey, Jack! Look.

Joey, hey.

I'm sorry that I cut out
of the game early, but,

I just remembered I had
this great lead to work.

I sold him a C-Plex.

I knew you had it, kid.

Everything it's ever going
to take, you got it in you.

Well, I just did what you taught
me. "Smell the cookies," basically.

How did it feel?

The best.

I never found
anything to beat it.

Hey, what's going on in there?

Well, we're about
to have a big night.

Yeah, I heard the
ad on the radio.

It's pretty neat.

Aren't we gonna answer them?

Just waiting on a little help.

Hi, this is Joey Shorter

with Brightside Lunar Residences.
- Oh. Hello.

And how can I be of
assistance, ma'am?

Absolutely, of course.

Now we have multiple plans that I'm
sure you'll be over the moon about.

We have A-Plex, B-Plex or a
C-Plex if you would prefer.

Of course, D-Plex is, one that
I started with, but honestly,

when I got up there,
I knew that...