01x07 - Another Day, Another Apocalypse

[bunniefuu]

[Buck] It's clear, little buddy.

[sighs] They won't
stop there. No, sir.

Smoke us out.

m*ssacre the lot.

You stay strong. Yeah.

[laser g*nshots on TV]

[sighs]

[Buck on TV] There ain't
no law in the stars but me.

[narrator] The Gargon invasion
continued its merciless pace,

but would be no match for
our intrepid Space Sheriff.

[machine whirs]

- Sir.
- Thanks.

- Here's to new frontiers.
- [grunts] Ma'am.

Big days for us right
now. Breakneck growth.

You picked the right
time to pay attention.

You know why I prefer this to dining
out? I can't stomach the desperation.

Everyone lined up at the
trough, filling the hole.

Except, uh, of
course, I'm desperate.

And so are you. Otherwise,
why didn't we stay at home?

All right. What if I wanted 200 units
with an option for that many more?

Just something to play with.

Oh, well, we're not looking twice
at anything less than 1,000.

What are you, broke?

Let's take Mr. Billings
back to his motel, Sidney.

Now, look. I know you're
not in it for the money.

You got way too much style for
someone who sweats the numbers.

No. No, I don't think money
does a damn thing for you.

Because you are not in it to get ahead.
You are in it to get away with something.

Oh.

Which is why you
would love the moon.

All that empty space just waiting
for someone to work its upside.

Well, I have wondered
just how empty it is.

Ah.

It's like when the magician
pulls the rabbit out of the hat.

Only there's no hat.

And there's no rabbit.

That's quite a trick.

What if you hit your ceiling
selling those saps at the club?

That's moving one
house at a time.

And why be in the business of
houses when we, you and I...

We could be in the
business of belief?

Say you knew some bigger saps
who wanted to buy in at scale.

All right, so I go in first
to make you look respectable.

And you got me to throw under
the bus if it all goes south.

And you expect a check tonight?

Well, now we're pals...

I give you till tomorrow.

It's quite a lot of faith
you're asking, Jack.

Isn't that how
you blow a bubble?

[customer snores]

[music playing on radio]

[chuckles]

[ValetBot] Good evening, guest. Would you
like me to assist you with transportation?

[stammers]

[pants] Every name,
every customer ever.

Ready for the truth. [laughs]

H-How did you...

I just asked them, and they gave it
to me. What idiots, huh? [laughs]

I love this song. Don't you?

"Beaufitul."

Hi, Mom.

[sniffs] I know I haven't
been around enough lately,

and I'm sorry. I'm really sorry.

[Marie breathing steadily]

[kisses]

"Head out of the clouds, Joseph.
Head out of the clouds." [chuckles]

Only this time, you
weren't around to say it,

and I was too dumb to remember.

I did everything wrong, Mom.

So I take it all back about
how much he taught me.

Now I just wish that
I never met him.

[hospital administrator
knocks] Mr. Shorter?

Fantastic. I was
hoping to see you.

Yeah, sorry. I've,
um... I've been...

Oh, of course. Take a minute.

I was also hoping to discuss a
past-due balance on your mom's care.

Right. Right.

We do have payment plans that
might work for your situation.

All we need is
proof of employment.

Oh, right.

Why, Ma? Why did you
have to bring him here?

What? Did I intrude on
your perfect relationship?

Don't you dare think that I don't
always have your best interests in mind.

And Joey's too.

You think it's easy
managing a whole family?

That scares me, sweetheart.

Oh, please.

Just cuddle up with your bottle

and keep clear before you
f*ck anything else up!

Got it?

Jesus.

Sorry.

f*cking ViddiCon.

So, you're selling your father's
worthless land on the moon.

Not worthless anymore, Ma.

And what then? Walt launches
the rockets just like Dad?

That's been the plan, and now
I got enough money to do it.

Everything's going great. You think
you can find a way to deal with that?

You still owe your
boy the truth.

Hey, I'm gonna tell him as soon as I
get the whole business up and running.

- Oh, Jacky. Not that.
- What?

[chuckles] So he has a
father he can look up to.

[sighs] And what
is wrong with that?

It's asking too much. I worry.

Ah, please. God, another day,
another g*dd*mn apocalypse.

Take a look next door.

That idiot face of your
company has broken loose again.

That can't be
great for business!

[GardenBot whirring]

[grunting]

[GardenBot whirring]

[screams]

[Buck] Gargon scum!

Come grab a scoop of hurt!

[Buck grunts]

[GardenBot] Error. Error. Malfunction.
Malfunction. Malfunction. Malfu...

[GardenBot's whirring fades]

Eyes to the skies,
little one. [pants]

We got a heap of freedom
left to k*ll for. [grunts]

[muttering]

The neighborhood is safe.

- [BarBot] Enjoy.
- Thanks.

Wow. Celebrating good news?

Yes.

I'm here to talk to Jack.

You'll have to find him first.

What I'm planning
on telling him is,

while I'm team-first
all the way,

it's also a leader's
place to flag injustice

in terms of promotions given
without merit. Joey's, for example.

Not today, Herb.

[Eddie] Oh, look at these two.

What, you never seen
money before, Shirley?

I thought you loved money.

Now thanks to you, I
got bags and bags of it.

Poor b*stard.

Here you go, pal. That should
be a couple hundred there.

Fire the tube up.
Game's on in ten.

Yeah, just a very well-funded man
enjoying the fruits of my finances,

unburdened by petty
affairs of the heart, huh?

I'm going to work.

Oh, hey, what better
refuge from life, huh?

Meaningless obligations
to corporate masters

on another f*cking
celestial object.

To think, you had a winner
like me. You botched it, baby.

Shirley, it's actually pretty
urgent, my message for Jack.

There's a few more problems in the
world today besides yours, Herb.

I guess you've never discovered your
unborn sons weren't actually there.

[scoffs]

[sighs]

You too? What's up, kid?

I need my commissions
for last week, Shirl.

What happened?

Think you can help me out?
And give these back to Jack.

You say that like you'll
never see us again.

Yeah. Yeah. No, I'm done.

Look, if I know one thing, I
know that Jack cares about you.

Come on, Shirley, you're
too smart for his bullshit.

[sighs]

I mean, hey, it's your life,
but I'd get out while you can.

[sighs]

Hey. We're gonna work
this all out, Joey.

For everybody.

But we can't do that if we don't
all keep quiet in the meantime.

Right. Yeah, he said that.

[sighs]

[sighs]

Bye, Herb.

Oh. Bye, Joey.

And my sincere congratulations
on your new promotion.

No, Herb. I'm done. I quit.

But I'll see you around.

We were each other's fires that
forged us and made us strong.

Burn bright always.

These people don't care
about you. Trust me.

I've dug deep, and there's no proof
they're ever getting anyone up there.

[stammers] It's just...

H-He wouldn't pull something like
that on us. He's a good man, Jack.

I was shocked too, sir.
But look at the world.

Who gets anywhere
by playing straight?

Christ Almighty.

[knocking]

I know, right? [stammers]
Thanks for your time, mister.

- [ViddiCon disconnects]
- [Costopoulos] Mrs. Mayburn?

Get in here.

Uh...

I thought to expect you at the office
to process our, uh, the new "edivence."

But did you really...

when it's stolen evidence?

Let's not spend all day
in the doorway, huh?

[Costopoulos sighs]

I...

I "wodner" w-what my proper role might be
in whatever plan you're pursuing, if any.

We're just telling people
the truth. It's that easy.

Look. Look, everyone's had
their launches pushed back.

And they all just take it, like
they deserve to get screwed.

Customers do "frequeltny" redirect the
market's callousness onto themselves

as feelings of unworthiness.

Lester, you know you get
to bend a couple rules

when you're doing what's right.

That's how it works.

So come on, who's next?

[sighs, stammers]

[ViddiCon beeps]

- "W-Wilbur Hartoonian. Vista-53472."
- [Myrtle typing]

And listen, if their
whole business blows up

and those b*stards fry...

oops, right?

[door opens]

Can I help you?

[Sidney] You know him?

I don't know you.

He your boss?

You're good at
questions, mister.

Mrs. Selwyn says she's
got her own pen, actually,

but she's not quite ready to use it
after she saw the news this morning.

What does that mean?

Who's doing questions now?

Was she ready to buy?

She was.

Between us, I think he went way
high. Decent operator, that guy.

Too bad about the news.

[baseball spectators cheer]

Hey! I don't appreciate
such belligerent flirting,

- even from you.
- [shushes]

[reporter] ...Manzell's fourth
attack on automated domestic A*DS.

I'm here with little
Denny, the sole eyewitness.

Tell us what you saw, kid.

It was the Space
Sheriff! I saw him.

[reporter] What an imagination.

I think he's probably
happily retired somewhere,

getting a good
chuckle from all this.

Back to you, Robert.

[Robert] Well, now the suspect is
reportedly at large and may be armed.

[Eddie] Is that, uh...

Christ, no.

But it's a great disguise to go around
acting like a lunatic. Grow up, Ed.

Oh, I'm fully grown,
Shirl. I'm g*dd*mn retired!

What's more grown than that?

- Shirley.
- What?

This is Mr. Mason,

Lot A-1, our very
first customer.

He just arrived with his beautiful
family, looking for Jack.

Yeah, great, Herb. You deal with it.
And run the office while you're at it.

No such thing as too
much responsibility.

Oh, I think Mr. Walter's bringing
in a rocket for y'all tonight.

That's why he cleared us out.

[door chime rings]

- [bell dings]
- Welcome, sir. How can I help you?

Is... Is Mr. Hartoonian around?

I think he's busy,
but I'm happy to help.

Right, of course. Uh...

Well, can you tell him that,
um, Joey's here? Joey Shorter.

I thought I heard your voice. I
want to talk to you, young man.

H-Hey, Boss. Uh, hey. It's,
uh, great to see you. Um...

Why am I getting calls saying
I'm never going to the moon?

And that you and
your fancy friends

are nothing but a bunch
of low-life crooks? Huh?

Uh, I... Um, I don't exactly know, but...
but, you know, I... I quit that job.

I got the feeling that
something wasn't right.

You could've told anybody that!

I'm sorry.

Y-You know, time's have
been tough, and, uh...

Uh, my ma still isn't doing so great,
and I'm a little behind on her bills.

No, no. You stop right there
if this looking for a handout.

No, no, no. I was just thinking
maybe if you had a couple shifts

that maybe I could pick up here
and there, I wouldn't mind.

Here I'm scraping for payments
on that g*dd*mn moon house,

and he's here looking
for a handout.

You got a lot of nerve, Joseph.

I... I guess I better go.

I guess you better.

Excuse me.

Don't tell me, you saw it too?

Don't worry.

- No one thinks it's really him. Not yet.
- Okay.

Well, I... Do you?

- I know he's not on the g*dd*mn moon.
- [sighs]

[stammers] Nothing kills a deal
like your spokesman being arrested

- on the wrong g*dd*mn planet.
- Mmm.

Yeah. She said the same thing.

sh*t. I gotta find him.

- She was in, Shirl.
- And you weren't even gonna tell me?

- No, I had to come straight here first.
- Oh.

And the cop just told me that
he got a call out on Route 18.

- I'm gonna go check that.
- I'll ride with you.

No, you don't have to
worry about that, okay?

It's probably just
some half goose chase.

How big was her deal, Jack?

Well, it was just like I said.
Enough to pay everybody back

and, you know, a little
something for us for our trouble.

[stammers]

A thousand.

If that's not the dumbest
f*cking bit of behavior.

[stammers] All right, I'll keep
your half. Where are you going?

No, I'll take half. Now give
me your keys and get in.

[sighs]

[customer 1] You
gotta be kidding me.

[customer 2] Well, I haven't
heard from Jack in over a week.

One day I think I'll
be bringing Marvin

his scotch and slippers
until the day I die,

and now... [chuckles]
...look at us.

[chuckles] They do say
life is "undeprictable."

- You're a good man, Lester.
- [clicks tongue]

You care about people.

All the other guys just
nod their dumb heads

and wait for the clothes
to come off. [sighs]

We've really done
something here.

Well, we just
gotta talk to Jack.

He'll clear all this up.

What... What's a few
months, this way or that?

As long as we all
get up there, right?

A few months? I could
have a carcinoma by then.

Buck! Mr. Manzell!

You out there, ol' boy? Buck!

- [Shirley] Christ. He could be anywhere.
- [Jack] Yeah.

Well, just pray his mug shot
isn't on the front page tomorrow.

Maybe I can get the
widow back on the hook.

[grunting, panting]

- [rocket ascends]
- [grunts]

[chuckles]

Eyes to the skies.

The Gargon mother ship.
Right on schedule!

They've been gone for five
minutes for about an hour now.

Oh, you.

Me. And a couple pals

who like the truth better than
getting f*cking ripped off.

Ooh. Don't be mad
because Herbie chose me.

[laughs] Your Herbie's about to
get eaten alive. I hope he's ready.

"Techincally," everyone here is
entitled to a prompt and full refund.

Herbie's always
ready. For anything.

Hi, ma'am. Excuse me.

Um, I got together what, uh, I
hope can be a f... a first payment,

and maybe after that
we can arrange a...

Mr. Shorter, please.
Everything's settled now.

How?

Uh, Mr. Billings took care of it. Must
be nice to have a friend like that.

[Shirley] What
happened with Joey?

I told him about Jenkins.

- That's all you told him about?
- It's all I could get to.

[stammers]

I'ma give him time to
come around on his own.

Uh. I think he knows his life
fits better with me in it.

Of course he does, Jack.

[chuckles] Also said the same thing
about his mother 20 years ago.

Mmm. Well, that's the
thing about people, right?

There's so many of them,
but they all let you down.

[scoffs, stammers]

W... You mean her or him?

Or me?

- Yep.
- [both laugh]

Or Ed.

Oh, Ed.

- You guys gonna be okay?
- [sighs]

I don't know.

It's like we're in
different worlds now.

It's rough when caring about
someone means having to lie to 'em.

[grunting, chuckling]

Oh.

Justice always finds a way.

[shouts, chuckles]

- [engine starts]
- Yeah! [chuckles]

Come on down, you
ten-tackled heathen,

and two-step with some
horsepower! [chuckles]

Apologies for the
delay, everyone.

How can I be of service today?

You! You were in
there the whole time?

Conducting company business.

They told us there's not
even going to be a launch!

Oh, no, ma'am.

Meaning yes.

There will be a tremendous launch
two to three months from now.

And who says you're not gonna
be saying the same exact thing

two, three months from now?

Me. You have my word,
and I'm very trustworthy.

- Show us the rocket then.
- [Mr. Hartoonian] There's no rocket.

- I think I want a refund.
- Me too.

And you could all have one.
Brightside guarantees it.

But there's no one more important
to me than our customers.

So I just don't
want you to regret

regretting the best
purchase you've ever made.

Now, what dreams worth soaring for
don't give you a fear of heights? Hmm?

Which may even be a
rain cloud of doubt.

Or worse.

But that drizzle can't spoil the hard work
we've done to make the right plan happen.

Which is exactly what The Brightside
is doing for you. Forever.

Can I offer anyone a mint?

Never mind the g*dd*mn mints.
Where the f*ck is Jack?

Actually, I'm the one
who's been left in charge,

so, uh, anything you could say to
him, you could probably say to me.

- You're the one, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay, f*ck.

Whoo.

[Myrtle gasps]

Ed? Wake up. Herbie's
about to be in a riot!

Please, be anything other than
g*dd*mn useless! [whimpers]

[Ed snoring]

[Betty] Oh.

[sighs]

It's actually 47 there.

That's not even one payment.

Well, sir, let me remind you. These
are actually my personal funds.

So maybe you could do with
slightly less for right now?

[scoffs]

No more excuses!
Shut up and pay up.

It's contractually "oglibated."

[Betty] I've got money.

[all gasp]

Everyone calm down, and we'll
figure this out. [screams]

[squeals]

Ma'am. Sir.

[clamoring]

[pants]

You saved me, Bun Bun.

- I always will.
- I believe it.

Are you the type of
person who regrets?

I haven't found a good
enough reason yet.

You?

Well, I try not
to, but y-you know.

When Joey comes back, Jack, you
gotta cut the sh*t. Be his dad.

- That's good advice.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Don't just blow me off.

Promise you'll do it.

I promise.

[sighs]

We can build it. We
can make it real.

The widow thinks she bought
in on a pump and dump,

but she's gonna hand
us a wad of cash...

- No, Jack. It's...
- No, no, no, no.

We could do it. You and me. I
mean, who else could pull it off?

Don't do this.

D-Don't start acting
f*cking crazy, okay?

That's who I am. That's who you are
too. That's exactly what it takes.

No, you're not that guy. You're the
guy Jenkins picked for his stooge.

Ah, you'd be
surprised. [chuckles]

- [Buck chuckles]
- There he is! Start the car!

[Buck] Gargon scum!

[Jack] Start the car!

How surprised would I be?

[breathes shakily]