01x06 - Face Off

[bunniefuu]

Miss Barell.

Hello, Captain.
I can't stay away any longer.

I've tried to restrain myself for so long,
but I don't have the power to resist you.

Oh?

I know, I know,
this is wrong in so many ways,

with you being my superior and everything,
but to hell with it.

To hell with what's right or wrong.
Let's just succumb to our emotions.

Oh my God.

So... mighty. I had no idea, Captain.

Yeah, it's almost too sizable,

but, uh... that's just
how nature equipped me.

It's not something
I like to brag about or anything.

Come here.

c*ck me, Captain. c*ck me right now.

I am rock hard and full of confidence,

so I am, uh, up for that task.

Great.
Now, insert the p*nis into my vag*na.

I'll put it straight... in...

Ah.

Oh, that feels wonderful.
Oh, sex is great.

Mm. I agree. 100%.
I'm in pleasure heaven.

Uh, are you... reaching cl*max soon?

Mm, yep, yep. Any second now,
but first I want you to pee inside of me.

What?

De-erect that power tool of yours,
and give me some of that golden bliss.

R... Really?

Yeah, yeah, it's hip.
Everyone's doing it. Come on.

Uh... Oh... Okay. Um...

Yeah, here it goes.

Uh...

Oh yes. Way to go.

Don't hold back now. I want every
last drop of your precious yellow.

Oh. That feels great.

I'm so glad you asked
because I... I really had to go.

So relieving.

No, no, no, no, no.

Hog darn it.

What a waste of life.

Such fine animals.

And why ashtrays?
No one even smokes anymore.

Recht, recht. It's just cruel.

Makes me question
this whole henchman business.

Is it worth it, you know?

All these traumatic experiences
just to please some evil mastermind

who we don't even know.

Sometimes I consider
getting a regular job.

Yeah. Same here.

I always wanted to be a mailman,
but with email and everything,

you never know how long
the mailman adventure will last.

Yeah. f*ck email, man!

Who wants to read letters
on some stupid computer anyway?

Or, like, postcards?

Mm. Check me out.
Now I am a tourist on holiday.

Okay, interesting. Yes?

Sir, could you please
scan these postcards for me?

I am going to email them
to my friends and family

so they can read them on a computer.

Yeah! Oh! That is very humoristic

because an email with scanned pages
could never replace a physical card.

It just doesn't have
the same emotional value.

Ja. Exactly.

That was the point of my joke.

Oh.

Hans, you are the funniest person
I have ever met.

You should become a comedian.

- You think so?
- What? Definitely.

It is your destiny. I can feel it.

I know a guy in München
who runs a nightclub.

I could probably get you onstage
one of their stand-up nights.

Now you're making me a bit nervous.
Me onstage?

Oh, Hans, no, you would k*ll it.

You can begin with your wonderful
postcard joke. So funny. Yeah.

And then you get
the feel for it after this,

and you make up
some more jokes eventually.

Captain Fall in Sector Zero.
I repeat, Captain Fall in Sector Zero.

Hans? Günther?

- Oh! Oh!
- Ja.

God f*cking damn it.

Ja!

Even just you saying that, very...

There is, of course,
the economic aspect to it also.

Right now I am dependent
on the henchman salary.

That's the double-edged sword
in henchman business.

The pay is great, so you kind of suppress
your real interests and talents.

- I get it.
- I'll manage you if you like.

You know,
10% if you're acceptable to this.

Man, it would be a sin

to keep your energies and magic
from the world!

Where are your earpieces?

We... decided not to wear them because,

ah, and I've got to be honest here,

they are not very comfortable to the ear.

Not very comfortable?

It's a classic example
of management trying to save money

and cut expenses in the wrong places,

and the lower-level employees
having to suffer.

Ja. Not our fault.
This lands solely on management.

Why do you make a fist with that hand?

Ah! Ach!

Stop it please!

He's a man who can bring joy to the world.

A glimmer of light in all of the darkness!

Please obey management next time. Okay?

Ja. That is affirmative.

Affirmative.

Ah! Ah!

- How long has he been like this?
- The whole day.

- When was the last time he was sedated?
- Mm, I don't know, maybe 20 hours ago?

- With what?
- Ketamine.

I had to use the dart for animals.
The one for "Big Cat."

What? I don't wanna
be involved in this anymore.

Okay? It goes against my Hippocratic Oath.

Well, I am so sorry
for your inconvenience, Doctor,

but it seems to me

that you have to shove that oath
up your urethra.

Unless you've come up with a payment plan
for what you owe Mr. Tyrant.

Huh. Didn't think so.

Look at me. We own you.

So suck it up, and get to work on him.

I need him up and running
for the next mission.

Sorry, but that's not happening.

He's a mess.

Be creative.

Find a way.

Wench.

What am I missing here? What am I missing?

Why don't you take a picture?
It'll last longer.

- I'm sorry. What was that?
- In love with the wall much?

You've been staring at it
for a good 25 seconds now.

Yeah, no, I'm just trying to see
if I can get to the bottom of this case.

Hah.

Always thinking you're better
than the rest of us.

Thinking of different links,
scenarios, and possibilities.

Pah, uh... Well, yeah.

Let me give you some clues here,
free of charge.

That Chinese fella
made that c*ck medicine himself,

sold it, and then bombed the building
with himself inside.

- And why would he do that?
- Out of guilt.

When he saw that people died
from his foul creation, he just lost it.

Sounds solid enough.

Yeah, but no, you have to dig deeper.

Create all sorts of extra work
for the rest of us. Again.

I'm just doing my job, Agent Frank.

Oh? So your job description
is to create overtime?

To steal as much valuable family time
from your colleagues as possible?

- No!
- It sure seems like it.

You just enjoy keeping me away
from my kids, don't you?

Aren't they 26 and 32?

Yeah, so what?

Anyway. Hansen, let's go for a ride.

I know a guy
who just might be able to help us out.

All right.

- Who are we visiting?
- Oh, just a guy who owes me a favor.

He's a real wizard when it comes
to Internet and printers and Internet

and... all that mumbo jumbo.

Rodriguez!

I know you're in there.

All right, just give me a second.
Jesus. What's up?

Rodriguez, we meet again.

Remember when I said
I'd be back to collect a favor?

Uh... Nope.

Yeah, I gave you the choice
of going to jail for a long time

or becoming my informant,
and you chose the latter.

Yeah... Eh, sorry.
That does not ring a bell.

You don't remember that? I... I...

I mean, I would assume that was
a significant moment in your life.

Hah. Nah, but, uh...

You know, I... I... I guess it's probably true
because I tend to forget stuff.

- Well, I need your help.
- Okay. Sure. What do you got?

We're working this case
where ill*gal b*ner medicine

is causing a lot of ODs around the city,

and this logo
might be connected to the whole thing.

We need you to hack
into the World Wide Web

and see what you can find.

Sure.

Okay, buckle up for a wild ride.

Oh, Nelly! Deep web, here we come.

Ah!

Well, I'll be damned.

Come in or... whatever.

Hey, Captain Fall. How are you feeling?

Not great.

Something is seriously wrong with me.

No, that's just crazy talk. You are fine.

You just need something
to lift your spirits.

I don't think so. I had a blackout again,

and some vivid memories of horrible things
that haven't even happened.

It's... It's really scary.

The mind tends
to play tricks on us

when we get new responsibilities.

Standard human procedure.

- Really?
- Yes!

You see, most of us black out
and have fake memories every now and then.

And in your case,
it would be strange if you didn't.

Oh, okay. I... I didn't know that.

Mm-hmm! Uh...

So I... I was hoping
you would join me in the conference room.

I have a surprise in store for you.

Oh, I don't know. I... I think I need
some more time, to be honest.

Oh, you should come, Captain.
It's something super, super nice.

Oh, well, I never have had
a good, super nice surprise before,

so... I'd try that.

Oh. Is this a surprise meeting?

Cool.

Just sit down and enjoy, Captain.

Dr. Russel, the floor is yours.

Captain, I took the liberty
of reaching out to someone

who loves you so very much.

Who might that be?

Consuela?

Hi, Jonathan, darling.

We are sending you this video
to tell you that we both car.

- Care!
- Car?

- Care!
- Care!

What the hell?
What kinda crappy miniature font is this?

Ugh, just put on your reading glasses.

- Glasses are a sign of weakness.
- Oh, for God's sake.

I wouldn't be caught dead
wearing glasses.

- You know that.
- Yeah, I know.

Anyway, we cannot rest
knowing you are in agony

because we are extremely tied to you
emotionally, and we always have your back.

We've grown to love you so, so much
these last couple of months.

So much.

Real... Real love, just like parents
are supposed to, son.

Now, get back up in the saddle.

Go be the best captain there ever was.

Please don't let us all down.

The crew needs you,
passengers need you... uh, and we need you.

There's nothing else, right?
We finished? Okay, that's it.

Um... That...

...blew my mind!

Oh! Just incredible.

Good! Great!

Yeah, yes.

Wow. That was the best surprise, Doctor.

Who cares about blackouts
and fake memories?

I have a ship to captain.

Yes, I do.

Hoo! I just love this part
of the cop work.

Really getting our hands dirty. Don't you?

You didn't say we were going bushwhacking.
I don't have shoes for this.

Well, as Grandpappy used to tell me,

there's no such thing as wrong footwear,
just wrong preparation.

Okay.

Yep. Preparation is the key to success
in both life and police work.

Jeez, give it a rest, will you?

- Now I understand why everyone hates you.
- Who hates me?

Well, everyone in the Special Force,

all the way from Chief O'Neill
down to the cafeteria lady.

There. Now I said it.

- What?
- Sorry, I forgot to say, "No offense."

Now I understand why everyone hates you.
No offense.

That really doesn't help.
It actually hurts to hear.

Yeah, when I say, "No offense,"
it offsets your right to be upset.

I don't think that's how it works.

Look it up. It's exactly how it works.

So get off my back, will ya?
Hate the game, not the player.

Ah.

The hornet's nest.

Ah, greetings, Mr. Search Warrant.

Nice to finally meet you.

Oy.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Hear me out. This is big.

Oh, this had better be good.
You've got 30 seconds.

- We went to see this hacker who...
- Uh! Hold on.

From... now.

Okay. We went to see this hacker.

Stop. Time's up.

You gotta see this. Please, sir.

Okay, but I will take your badge and g*n
if this isn't leading anywhere.

You will?

Yeah.

Maybe just for a few hours, but still.

Check this out. Identical.

These are the penile bandits.
It has to be. It all adds up.

Well, I'll be damned.

You're damn right we'll be damned!
It's rock solid, sir.

Huh. Give me the judge.

It's warrant time.

You might need to dial a number
before you say anything.

I don't think someone is sitting there
on the other end, waiting.

Hello? Colleen? Are you there?

Great. Listen up.

Give me the judge. It's warrant time.

- Luca? Luca!
- Honey, what are you doing home?

I am going to lead a huge raid.

This is the big one, and Chief O'Neill
gave the reins to yours truly!

Oh! That sounds great.

The face of the bust. I am so proud.

I just wanted to make sure
you have the news channel on

and watch this minute by minute
as it unfolds.

Of course. I won't even look down
at my phone. I will pay full attention.

This bust will change everything.

I will finally gain acceptance
to the Special Unit,

and I'll get promoted for sure.

Honey. If you get promoted,
we can finally afford to have kids.

Imagine you
with a little one in your arms.

I know, sweetie.
It's been a dream of ours for so long.

We just haven't been able
to make ends meet.

But that's about to change.

I can't wait.

You be careful now, okay?

Oh, I'm prepared for whatever
we may encounter.

- It'll be a glorious display of control...
- Mm!

...and leadership.

Alright, guys. We're looking
for wooden crates with tiger-paw logos,

but this could also be
some kind of factory,

so consider everything in here evidence.

Oorah!

This is the big one, boys.

Let's take care of each other in there
and be safe.

Two suspects
at the front gate.

Weapons free.

- Good luck, guys.
- Roger that.

Ah, just sit back and enjoy, Mayor.

You're in for one hell of a show.

What the hell was that?

Oh my God.

It's like Planet of the Apes,
but with big cats too!

Oh, f*ck me, I hate animals.
Let's start sh**ting 'em.

Take it easy. Just calm down.

We're safe in here,
and we only have tasers.

I don't know
if they'll work on those cats.

Well, I guess
there's only one way to find out.

Don't you play hero now, Agent Frank.

I have to do this.
All of us start from zero.

We make the right decision
and become a hero.

Just stay put, and everything'll be fine.

- Just reel me in if this goes south.
- Don't do it!

- Geronimo!
- No!

Ah!

It didn't work! Help!
Reel me in! Reel me in now!

Ah! Damn it.

It's only triggering their instincts!

Help!

Oh!

I'm dying.

Tell my kids I love them.

Oh. You'll most definitely survive,
but I... I can still tell 'em if you want.

- I don't wanna die.
- Dude, you're gonna be fine.

No one else open that door.
If we just stay in here, we're safe.

Ah!

Oh, those chimps freak me out.

Well, stop freaking out.

Apes are friendly.
They're just making contact.

Think of chimpanzees
as... really hairy humans.

There's not gonna be a problem.

What's going on? What do you see?

Help me! Help me please!

Oh sh*t. Hey, guys. I kinda misspoke.

They're, like, super strong,
violent, hairy humans.

What do we do, Steel?
You're in charge. Say somethin'!

Keen observation,
and I'm doing the best I can,

but there's no protocol for this.
There's no place in the handbook

that says anything
about big cats or chimpanzees!

- Get him off me!
- Oh sh*t.

- What the hell is going on?
- Uh, nothing.

Let me see.

Wow, that is horrible.

You and your task force
are finished, O'Neill.

This is it. No more Special Unit.

Well, I, uh... I guess
it's every man for himself now.

- Is it?
- Yes. Save yourselves!

Open the door, g*dd*mn it!
Open the door! Open it! Please!

Here! O'Neill to the rescue.

Yah!

Please! Somebody!

The chimps are ripping his face off! Oh!

Oh, God. Please help us.

So much blood. Oh! Oh-h*-h*-h*-oh!

Oh!

Yes. Yes, I was there, and...

oh, the mayor was a brave man,
and he fought to the last.

And actually his last words to me

was that he wanted to increase
the budget of the Special Unit

and raise the salaries
for the upper-level management. Hah.

God bless the mayor.

No more questions. No more questions.

And these horrible scenes are just in.

What we can see here
are three kindergarten teachers

being chased down
and eaten by a pack of lions.

This is just... I don't know what to say
other than screw that Agent Steel to hell.

Whoa there, Linda.

Pretty sure we're not allowed
to say things like that on air.

I'm sorry.

But in this case, the blame has already
been pinned down on one individual,

so what you say there
is totally called for.

I know I can lose my job for this,
but here goes.

Agent Steel.
f*ck your face straight to hell!

Hey, honey. Uh...

What's up?

What's up?

Lots of people have been eaten.
That's what's up.

You have single-handedly destroyed a city.

Your face is all over the news.

Hold on, sweetie.
There are two sides to every story.

- Don't "sweetie" me, loser.
- Where you going?

I am leaving you.

I can't live with the shame.

This is like being married
to Charles Manson or something,

just much worse.

You have a lot more lives
on your conscience than that poor man.

Please, Luca.
There's no shame in a failed bust.

The logos were almost identical.

How can two separate companies
use the same tiger-paw logo?

It just doesn't make sense.

More than 50 people woke up this morning
without a face thanks to you,

and you know very well
how important the face is to a person.

Real important. I know that.

I thought I married a man

who wouldn't be responsible for packs
of dangerous animals roaming the streets,

tearing off faces
and eating people all over,

but I guess I was wrong.

Luca.

Luca!

Luca!

Luca!

Luca!

F...

Ahhh!

Shut up, face butcher!