02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

You're 50 now.
Any irritability or rage?

Nothing unjustified.

Sounds like the
menopause to me, Linda.

I've spent most of my life putting
other people's needs before my own.

I'm not gonna do that for a
bit and it feels so great.

Well, that's gonna
ruffle some feathers.

We're women, Linda!
This is what we do!

It's what we've always done.

Who the f*ck are you?

She said, "Who the f*ck are you?"

I'm Steve, Linda's husband,
father to her two children.

But I'm also a man in my own right.

Come on, Linda. Let's go. Time's up.

My time's not up.
I've only used 40,320 minutes.

You and your bloody ledger!

Children? Husband? Ledger?
Whose Ledger?

Is that jam?

Wow. I wouldn't have put
you two together at all.

I've had enough of this sh*t!
No! Carm! No!

Come back. No way! No!

Oh, you've done it now, Linda.
I knew it.

Never trust a lone woman,
with an abnormal gait.

Where have you got a ledger?
He just means my chore ledger.

What is it, though?

It's one of these. A tree?

No. The trunk. The...
When it's been felled.

Log. Yes! Log! Thank you, a log.

Take that cloak off, Linda.

Eh? Take that f*cking cloak off.

No. I'm still Eel Queen.
Not with two kids, you ain't.

HE SCOFFS

Something's changed.

And it's why I came here...

To find myself.

Oh, what a load
of old hippy dippy cobblers.

And you need to find
yourself, as well, Steve.

I know who I am, Linda,

and it isn't a hippy dippy cobbler.

Look, I'm sorry, OK, but
it was an innocent lie.

God was right. All women are evil.

Oh, did anybody else know?

Nope. Nay.

You've gone very quiet, Pig Man.

Cat got your tongue?

Linda's sister popped
by and filled me in.

That mouthy c**t
with the pink jacket?

I don't recall what
colour her jacket was.

Take the cloak off!

Get off me! Get off!

What happened, Pig Man?

You were supposed
to be standing guard over the tree.

I tried to hold it in.

Hang on. Hold what in?

SHE GASPS
Oh!

When you've gotta go,
you've gotta go.

Once an eel has
embarked on its final journey,

it cannot return back upstream.

My starlings have lost their home

because Pig Man needed a sh*t?

I... Oh, I've heard enough of this.

MUSIC: Witches' Rave
by Jeff Buckley

♪ You sound just like a scream

♪ I don't know what you mean

♪ Your witchcraft's all around me
In your ragged pagan scene

♪ You tell me all the ways around
my garden that you like

♪ I float just like a bubble heading
for a spike

♪ All is well between the breasts of
passenger and sl*ve

♪ I'll never make it out alive
to join the witches' rave... ♪

CROWS SQUAWK

Yes, all right. All right.
One at a time, my friends.

Missed me, sis? I always do.

Right. Better fill me in then,

cos all the birds
were shouting at once.

Who's Linda?

♪ I try to keep all hidden
when you come around

♪ Oh no, the sight of broomsticks
sliding on the ground... ♪

Byeeeee.
LAUGHS

♪ 'Cause I feel so collectible. ♪

Where is she? Where's Lina?

She's still...
CAR DOOR SLAMS

...finding herself.

Oh, you gullible d*ck, Steve.

Not now, Siobhain.

When are you gonna
a grow a pair, eh, you cuckold?

That's what you are!
A weak, jam-faced cuckold!

Right. You're a big girls' blouse!
Yeah.

When are we gonna
see a little bit less of this?

A little bit more of this, eh?

A little bit more of this, Steve?
That's out of order, that is.

Eh? A little bit more of that!

Those bloody ledgers.
When are we gonna see it, though?

Leave it! You're a wet blanket!

Who... Who're you?

Who the f*ck do you think I am?

Er... Another Eel Sister? Oooh.

Well done, Columbo.

Oh, I love Columbo. I'm Linda.

Yeah. Birds told me who you are.
Birds?

Word of advice, all right,
lie to me, A, I will know,

B, I will put a hex on you,

and C, it will work.

Oh, OK. Can I get past? No! No!

You're an outcast till
your town trial tomorrow.

I'm on trial? Hm.

You can sleep in the woods.
Forest rules.

This is ridiculous.

You can't run me out of town.
This isn't the Wild West.

Glamping is all the rave now.
Rage. What?

She said rave. It's rage.
It doesn't matter.

Shut up! And take that cloak off!

I have told you...

...I'm not taking it...

METAL CLUNKS
...oof!

THUD

SHE GASPS
Oh! Argh!

Ugh, f*ck!

Not again.

You coming or what?

CROWS SQUAWK

Good luck, T. Thanks for that.

Excuse me. Excuse me, everyone.
BOOING

It's ridiculous. Absolutely
ridiculous.

BOOING SUBSIDES

Very witch trially. Very East Anglia,


Ooh! Where's your hat,
Matthew Hopkins?

Who's Matthew Hopkins?

Isn't that Katie's brother?

OK. Welcome, everyone.
Let's get this trial underway.

Would the court rise for Judge Joy?

SPEAKING OVER RADIO

SHAKY NOTE PLAYS

Please be seated.

Linda, please place your hand on
the Forest Laws and Privileges...

...and read this card.

"I solemnly declare that I,
Linda Jane Jenkins,

"shall speak the truth, the whole
truth

"and nothing but the truth, so
help me The Forest."

You may be seated. Oh.

Linda Jane Jenkins,

you are accused
of maternal deception,

of lying to the town about your true
identity as a mother

and wrongfully accepting
the role of Eel Queen.

CROWD MURMURS LOUDLY

We will now hear from
Agnes and Theresa Watkins.

SHE DIALS PHONE NUMBER

RINGING

It's ringing.

PHONE RINGS
Right.

Let's do it. Ahem.

Ah. Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Good morning, Judge Joy. Good
morning, Judge Joy.

Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.
Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Good morning, Verderer. Good
morning, Verderer.

Good morning, Janet. Good morning,
Janet.

ALL: Good morning, Agnes and Theresa.

Good morning, everyone. Good
morning, everyone.

Good morning, er, Agnes and Theresa.

CROWD EXCLAIMS, GASPS
No.

No.

What have I said?

On July thirteenth, at 15.17 hours,

during a conversation regarding
the rental of

the caravan, did Linda or did she
not deny having children?

She did.

MURMURING

How? We asked her if she had any
pets or children,

and she said... no.

MURMURING

Lying b*stard.

Right. Jumping forward to
the Festival eve

and a conversation regarding
fertility.

Did the defendant, at any point,
say

that she did NOT have children?

She said that women shouldn't have
to explain that

they did or did not have children,

and that she had not met
the right person.

Yeah. Implication being that her
did not have children.

MURMURING

That concludes my questions.

Thank you, Agnes and Theresa.

Thank you, Judge Joy. Thank you,
Judge Joy.

Goodbye, Agnes and Theresa.

Goodbye, Judge Joy. Goodbye, Judge
Joy.

Goodbye, everyone. Goodbye, everyone.

ALL: Goodbye, Agnes and Theresa.

Cheers, mate. Well done, sis.
Well done.

I understand that you will be

representing yourself today, Linda.

Obviously, yeah.

MURMURING, GASPING

What would you like to say?

Right. Well, if people knew that I
was married with children,

they would treat me differently

and they would ask me
different questions,

none about myself.
And they would judge me

for being a selfish wife and mother.

Oh, boo-hoo!

Boo-hoo?

Come on, Jim, let her speak.

You wouldn't get it, and never will.

When women get married
and have children

and when we don't have careers

and when we don't have something
that's just for us, it's very easy

for us to lose sight of who we are
and what we're doing here.

HE YAWNS LOUDLY

In 20 years of going to Steve's work
dos,

I was never asked a single question
about myself. Not one!

"How's Steve?" "How's Steve's work?"
"How's Steve's back?"

And do you know how that makes
you feel?

Worthless. And that's what happened
to me.

So I decided to cash in some time
that I'd accrued.

I'd been keeping a log of all
the household chores

that I had been doing.
LOUD MURMURING

You know, the... the invisible work.
The emotional load.

And I'd been writing all the time it
was taking down in ledger.

And it came to 3.5 million minutes,
or around six years.
CROWD SPEAKS LOUDLY

Six years?!

Oh, that's enough!

Christ!

We don't want to hear about your
bloody ledger.

Can we get this trial back on track,
please, Joy?

CROWD SHOUTS IN AGREEMENT

Wait!

Let her speak!

CROWD SHOUTS

I'd quite like to hear about
Linda's ledgers. Yeah! Yeah!

Do you know how long it takes
to shake crumbs out of

a toaster? Three minutes and 12
seconds.

Order! Order! Order.

All right, I think we've heard all
that we

need to hear. Please be seated,
Linda.

All those in favour
of Linda leaving, raise your hands.

CROWD MURMURS
My vote.

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Put your hand up.

Right... yep.

All those in favour
of Linda remaining, raise your hands.

Yes!

All right. Well, there we have it.



...Linda remains.

CHEERING

Go on, girl!

APPLAUSE OVER RADIO

Linda Jane Jenkins, you may remain
on Forest soil

until that time that
the soil takes you for itself.

f*cking joke.

The court may rise.

SHAKY NOTE PLAYS

That was stupid.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

SHE GRUNTS

PHONE DINGS

"Jim, keep the faith. Fayther."

POOL BALL RATTLES

MEN CONVERSE

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

May I? Oh!

Go on, then.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

HE SIGHS

Are you OK?

A woman's won a stand-up comedy
competition in Cinderford, Linda.

Oh!

I don't think that
can be quite right.

Why's that?

Well, some of my mates
entered that competition.

And? Well...

Go on.

No, it don't matter.

No, go on.

Fact is, men are better at telling
jokes than women, Linda.

Are they? How's that?

Well, girls don't need to be funny,

so they don't need to
start flexing that muscle.

Why don't girls need to be funny?

Girls don't need to be
funny to attract boys.

They can just, you know, sit around.

Even the ugly ones.

Boys can't just sit
around to attract girls.

You know, we need skills,
you know, like...

...knocking a bottle off a wall or...

...throwing a ball a
really long way, you know?

Or make their ears move.

Mm. Huh?

What about girls who
use humour as a tool

to navigate their way
through the world? Eh?

Well, say she's being bullied
or harassed or abused,

could she use humour
as a coping mechanism?

Yeah... Yeah, I suppose
she could, yeah. Mm.

And... and... say the girl
was just born really funny

or say she just loves the
feeling of making people laugh?

Or are girls only allowed to
use humour to attract boys?

No, course not, no.

She can be funny for
whatever reasons she wants.

Oh.

So, are men better at telling
jokes, then, Tone, or not?

No, I...I don't think they are. Mm.

I am glad that we got
that one sorted out, Tone.

Would you like to see me
wiggle my ears, Linda?

I'm OK, thanks.

WHISPERING

WHISPERS: Linda's ledgers.
Linda's ledgers. Linda's ledgers.

Linda's ledgers. Linda's ledgers.
Linda's ledgers.

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear

♪ It's you I'd be kissing

♪ She smiled and replied

♪ "You don't know
what you're missing"

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear

♪ I wish I could wed you

♪ Oh, Sally, my dear

♪ I wish I could bed you... ♪