01x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

The voice-over is not included

It simply describes what we see.

Rachel?

Rachel? Wake up!

What? What? What is it? School?

There is no school.

That and everything else has gone.

The Lord has begun his Great w*r

of Armageddon.

The old system is done.

We have to get to the woods NOW.

Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh.

Oh, my gosh!

It's OK. It's OK, Rachel. Calm down.

Pack your bags

and get down the stairs

before your soul turns to ash.

Pack your things, Aaron,

the end time is here.

Finally.

Which wedding photo, Fiona?

Portrait or kiss?

The kiss is more lively and vital.

But

Can you help me save Gideon, David?

We should prioritise living things.

Loud and clear. Kiss it is.

Come on, Rachel. Your neighbours are

being swallowed into the pit.

Go. Quick, quick. Thank you.

Please, God, deliver us from evil

Rachel, God's not going to answer

your prayers right now.

He's busy lighting up heathens.

I'm asking him for salvation!

I pray that Rachel gets all her

just deserts in the afterlife.

Aaron, I don't need your pity to get

into paradise.

I didn't ask for you to get

into paradise.

I asked for your just deserts.

We're going to meet the congregation

at the top of Blakely Pike.

There we'll pray, shelter,

and eventually bury the corpses

of the sinful dead.

It's going to be very special.

Make haste. The stars are literally

falling from the sky.

Is God going to let me survive?

I couldn't say. Who can fathom

the mysteries of the creator?

I'll give you about 50-50.

No! Please! Please!

Probably a sinner fleeing

the hellfire.

They'll be struck down before

he reaches Stockport.

God help us all.

Can I have some food?

No. You get biscuits

after the moon's turned to blood.

No-one's here.

Did we make it? DID WE MAKE IT?

Two hours 19.

Not bad for a practice run.

What?!

The planet is safe for now.

Let all that worry pour out of you.

See, Rachel, those biscuits

would have been a waste.

I'm sure he's just relieved.

Some folks say the Bible is not

true ♪

Unbelievable.

We were three shipments behind.

You've saved us in one morning.

How are you so fast?

Not fast. You're slow.

Unbearably slow.

David, for most of us, being a

Go Parcel sorting agent is a job.

For you, it feels like more of

a calling.

How's about going full time?

You've changed our lives.

We just think you're

OK, I'm going to stop you there,

Sid. I'm here to pay the bills

so my family can serve God.

That's it. In fact, you should

prep for my departure

because on Sunday, the order

is promoting me to elder.

I don't know what that means.

Well, it means I'll be a full-time

spiritual shepherd,

and my stipend could be,

no exaggeration,

up to 75% of what you pay me now.

So, I can't convince you to stay?

You sure?

Sure as I am this package will make

it to Macclesfield.

..Oh, yes, yes, yes, I believe. ♪

Sorry.

Dad got me up at 4am

to do apocalypse practice.

Mm. I'm not going to ask

what that is.

B minus. Would have been higher,

but I reserve As for students

who remain conscious.

You do want to get into uni, right?

Got a lot of goodwill riding on it

and some real money.

I can squeeze in 30 minutes

of revision

between preaching and bedtime.

If I skip dinner.

OK, you can nap here over lunch,

but FYI, I've just had a bad

break-up, so I will be doing

some aggressive marking.

What's aggressive marking?

Mm.

Hug the rim, Rachel.

My locks need their edges

to be straight.

Can you not just go to

a hairdresser?

And miss the consistency of the bowl?

No. This is your duty.

Fiona did my scissor work for years

before you came of age.

I won't go back, Rachel.

God doesn't judge you

I should be in paradise right now.

This suburb should be a crater.

The real apocalypse

will come soon enough, Aaron.

It better.

David, when are we replacing the TV?

It's nice to have background noise

that isn't Aaron's pencils

or you chewing.

I don't know if we should replace

it. It broke in an act of God.

You poured a jug of water on it.

There were people kissing

on there with tongues.

The Lord guided my hand.

Hmm. I really want the TV back.

It's decided. To hang in its place,

Aaron's sketching a drawing of

us all in paradise. Right, Aaron?

After this morning,

there may be some creative changes.

Rachel, what are your eyes

like when you're scared?

What?

That's it. That's the look.

Right, now that I look the part,

it's church time.

Last meeting before

they promote me to elder.

Are you sure they're promoting you?

I've staked my happiness

on it, Fiona.

So, yes.

Oh, greetings. Good morning.

Oh, Andrew's on greeting duty.

Godsh, he's very blessed in

his suit choices, isn't he?

To pull off such

a light pastel blue.

Oh, the Lewises! Greetings!

Hello, little man.

I'm sure I looked just as good

when I was his age.

He's two years older than you,

sweetie.

Rachel, go reserve us our own row.

Can't have Andrew sat next to me

when I'm absorbing God's word.

Look at him with Aaron.

Man has no ability with kids.

Yeah! Yeah!

Be respectful, David.

He's still recovering

from his wife's death.

I know, Fiona.

He won't let us forget it.

Ah! Our secret handshake

has grown to 17 steps now.

High five, Aaron?

No, thanks, Dad.

Shall we head in together?

How about you head in

and we'll follow after a long gap?

Oh, David, you crack me up!

Andrew's so great.

Shut up, Aaron.

And that little boy, he said to me,

he turned and he asked,

"What's that sound?"

And I looked at him and I said

.."That's the sound

of Satan's hooves,

"clip-clopping on your driveway."

Amen.

Great storyteller!

One job, Rachel.

I gave you one job.

Now, I have some rather

grave news to conclude with.

The Jay family are no longer

ordinands of God.

They've been excluded.

I can't go into what they did,

but a reminder that drug dealing

is a mortal sin.

And we do consider coffee a drug.

There is only one way now for us

to extend our love to them,

and that is to shun them completely.

Thank you.

First excluded in five years.

There were warning signs.

Their daughter has dyed pink hair.

That's the Cooks, David.

They're sat right behind us.

Good morning.

Do you feel bad for the Jays?

They knew what they were doing

when they opened that cafe, Rachel.

Can I have everyone's attention,

please?

We have a new resident who's moved

to the area and has requested a visit.

Which ordinand lives near

Blakely Road?

I do!

Elder, I think Andrew is just

confused or stupid or something.

I live closer to Blakely Road.

David and I are neighbours.

He lives on the far side

of the cul-de-sac.

He might as well be in Gaza.

Well, if it is contentious,

I could pray for guidance.

When? I don't want God getting a

bias for you before I pray to him.

God sees all of time, David. Hmm.

Don't do it before 8pm.

The Elders will resolve this.

Well, I'll be happy either way.

I'll be happy one way.

I'm the most deserving.

My family does more preaching

than the entire congregation.

That's not true, is it, David?

Well, the week's not over yet.

In fact, Rachel,

didn't you say you wanted to do

some preaching today?

I really need to study, Dad.

Two hours studying, or

saving a soul for all eternity?

Go!

Peace on Earth by Coleman Family

I've been reading Revelations

About things to be

Where John was writing down

the things he'd seen

He wrote of a place

that you put down sin

With thanks to God

when you live again

Cos it's going to be peace ♪

Hello? Hi.

Would you like to hear about God?

No.

Would you like to talk about God?

Get lost!

Hello?

Hello. I was wondering if you'd

like to talk about God.

Oh, f*ck off, nun.

Hi, would you like to talk to me

about God?

God. God.

God. God. God.

Sure. Come on up.

Wait. Really?

Eighth floor.

God is now setting up his church

Teaching his saints

what they should know

For the mission is the kingdom

where they shall go

Cos it's gonna be peace

Peace right here on Earth

For God is now setting up

his church. ♪

You want to talk about God?

Mm-hm.

Uh, are your parents home?

It's just me.

OK, well, you're a man

of marriageable age,

so we'll at least need my mum

on speakerphone.

Her number is 0161

I'm Joshua.

Like Moses's friend in the Bible,

if that reassures you.

You're being sarcastic,

but, yes, it does.

So the narrow path

leads to salvation,

which is the righteous path

to heaven.

But the wider path

Do you guys ever just have fun?

No music, no films.

It's like you live in North Korea,

but at least they get to

watch parades.

I have tonnes of fun.

OK, what's your favourite song?

You're trying not to think of

a hymn, aren't you?

Do you want a nibble?

No. No, thank you.

I'll I'll have fun

when I'm ready for it.

I'm applying to uni.

Uni? Pretty liberal.

Your parents aren't worried

you'll OD on ketamine

and realise you're bi?

I don't know what those things are.

I've got something for you.

Unsolicited Order magazines.

I'm returning them,

including the one you rammed

underneath my wiper blade

whilst graphically describing

what it would feel like to melt.

I wanted to make clear it

wouldn't be a quick death.

Melissa, you have to understand,

we believe millions will perish

unless we personally save them.

But you're so needy about it.

If you keep giving me these,

I'm welding shut my letterbox

or buying a violent dog.

Right. The new TV calls.

You should try it, Fiona.

It's good for relaxing,

or distracting yourself from

an overbearing life partner.

Well, Fiona wouldn't know about that

because I destroyed our TV

and refused to replace it.

Ha!

So you have five dog leads

and no dog?

Yeah, I abduct dogs

and keep their leashes as trophies.

That was a bad joke.

I work as a dog walker.

One of them's a show dog.

Right. He has more money than me.

So could I put you down

for a repeat visit?

Sure.

Maybe then you'll have some

better jokes.

And any questions or clarifications

from your visit today?

Yeah.

What do you think about

excluded members?

Oh, I don't think about them.

But do you think it's right

to shun them or, like

..cut them out forever?

Well, I'm sure anyone cruel enough

to commit a mortal sin

wouldn't be very nice company.

Do you think I'm bad company?

What?

I used to be in the Order,

in the Prestwich chapter.

No, no, no, no.

Wait! Wait a sec.

Why did you even invite me inside?!

I could be exiled

for even speaking to you.

How many friends

do you think I've got?

The closest thing I get is my mum

occasionally crying on the intercom.

You don't even know what I've done!

And I don't want to.

Mrs Lewis, I'm Rachel's teacher.

I was just in town and the uni

flyered me for their open day.

I thought Rachel might want to know.

So you came to our house

on your weekend?

Well, I've just had a break-up,

so lots of free time.

Plus, my betting shop banned me

online and in person.

Anyway, I don't want to overshare.

I think you already have.

I guess we've got different

boundaries.

What makes you think Rachel

wants to go to university?

Well, her face lights up

when we talk about it.

So you have no proof?

Will you pass this on to her?

Sure.

Let's swap.

Great. I'll call Rachel now.

Bye now.

David!

Our daughter's on the brink

of moral hazards.

Let's talk to her tomorrow

after church.

Once I'm elder, the David

fear factor will increase tenfold.

Sure.

Rachel.

Good ministry? Nothing happened.

Where's your preaching bag?

I must have left it at church.

I'm sorry, Mum.

I'm so, so sorry.

University.

The guilt's already weighing

on her soul.

Mm.

Got it. Thanks, David.

Normally I'd say you can't

dress like that, David,

but we need you more than

you need us.

It's promotion day, Sid.

When Andrew sees these lapels,

he'll know who the alpha is.

David, I wanted to say, I know

you're a hero in your community.

You speak the truth.

But this is our promotion offer.

Senior title, better wages.

I always wondered if you'd be

my Lucifer, Sid.

It's a no.

This world of click and drop

packages, fishing licenses

We do those? We do.

It's your world, not mine.

So you can keep your envelope

and the assistant manager badge

within. How did you know?

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to grasp my destiny.

Goodbye, Sidders.

So let that be a reminder.

Cover your mouth when you yawn.

Cos that's how the devil gets in.

Now, to conclude our service,

I have an announcement that I know

some of you have been waiting for

for a very long time.

Oh, here it comes. Listen to this.

The rear blocked toilet,

which has been out of action

for so long

..is now operational again.

Is that what you meant, Dad?

No.

I mean, that is huge, but

Blessings be. Blessings be.

Samson, you didn't announce

the new elder.

Is it delayed, or were you

going to tell me in private?

Oh, no. No announcements today.

Well, when will there be?

Because if, say,

I was already an elder,

but it just hadn't been announced,

I wouldn't want people mistitling

me. That would be rude of them.

I do have some news for you. Yes?

I spoke to the other elders Yes?

And we've decided that you should

have sole ministering rights

for Mr Johnson.

The guy Andrew tried to steal?

He's mine?

Well, I wouldn't say he was yours.

You'll be his spiritual shepherd.

All mine. Great.

Where's Andrew? I think he left.

Is he aware of the new arrangement?

I've got to go.

Andrew!

Let the trumpets ring out.

Let everyone know my noise.

David, if you don't stop revving,

you're going to break the clutch.

We're sallying forth, Fiona,

on a quest to catch the interloper.

If need be, we'll sweep the entire

city until we find that he's there.

Oh! There he is.

I don't believe it. That's the guy!

Andrew's already buttering up

my flock.

Well, can you at least

get out to confront him

instead of shouting through

the window? Oi, Andrew!

Andrew, what are you doing?

He's betrayed me

in front of the Romans,

and I didn't even get a kiss.

Brother Lewis, I was just telling

Mr Johnson here

that you'll be looking after him

from now on.

Really? I thought it made sense,

given my new responsibilities.

Your new what?

I'm an elder now.

There is no new elder, Andrew.

They didn't announce anyone.

I asked them not to announce me.

I didn't want the extra attention.

And it turns out a lot of

the congregation

already thought I was an elder,

so it won't be too different.

Blessings, Lewises.

David, if you're going to scream,

you should do it in a pillow

at home.

It's better for the kids.

David, when do you think

you can come?

My girlfriend just broke up with me,

so I need someone to talk to.

Soon. Tomorrow, or? Soon!

Please get our broken car

moved, David.

You blocked the church car park.

Elder Shem says if it's not gone

by Monday, he'll run it.

No? I didn't catch that.

I'm still thinking about

Andrew's coup.

Not so fast, Rachel.

There's something

we need to discuss.

Your teacher sent me your report.

Did I not do well?

Maths,

A.

English, A.

Science, A.

They're all A.

Rachel, this is disturbing.

It's deeply disturbing.

How much preaching time

did you waste revising?

Most parents would be pleased

that their daughter's

doing so well in school.

Most parents will be dead forever.

Straight As, five out of five

for effort.

Where did we go wrong?

And then there's the matter

of your propagandist teacher.

I was a smart girl, Rachel.

I could have gone to uni.

But I chose to raise this family.

Imagine what would have happened

if I strayed from the path.

We might never have met.

Yes.

Yes, indeed.

It's warning signs like this

that force me to act.

Why do you think I dragged you

up that hill?

Cos you want to be elder. No.

I don't covet promotion!

And to make that very clear,

we're doing another

apocalypse practice tonight.

David, please don't make us stay

awake just so you can save face.

I won't do it to save face.

I'll do it because

it was always the plan.

This was today!

Why didn't you tell me?

Why didn't the serpent tell Eve

about the apple?

Oh, wait, he did,

and now women have to give birth

and serpents have no legs.

Hey! What are you doing on my road?

What are you doing on my

preordained dog walking route?

Your bag had your address on it,

so I figured you'd want it back,

so you can destroy any evidence

of us meeting.

Oh. It's a good bag.

Mine has dog treats, now.

God's word has given way

to bacon dust.

FYI, I walk this route on weeknights

at 7pm.

Just letting you know,

so you can steer clear.

Yes, Aaron!

This is why you're getting an

early baptism

instead of waiting

like the common chaff.

A vision of paradise

from our very own master artist.

The whole family laughing and

Huh.

Am I in some kind of Jacuzzi?

It's boiling tar, Dad.

For your misdeeds.

Is this about apocalypse practice?

You raise my hopes

only to dash them,

so you go to the tar pits.

Well, at least Rachel's smiling.

Mad, after aeons of agony, Mum.

I'm going to speak to next door.

In your vision of hell,

can we atone and ascend to heaven?

Hmm.

Something tells me something's

going to happen tonight ♪

I read in the papers that Gemini

people will make it tonight. ♪

Melissa, I wanted to apologise

for inconveniencing you.

I'd love to wipe the slate clean

What do you want?

Can I come and watch TV?

My family are being unbearable.

Makes sense. Come in.

Everything that we've been

dreaming of

Something tells me

something's gonna happen to you

The smile on my face

is the smile ♪

Rouse yourselves!

Smoke is rising from the pit!

Awaken. No, Dad, please!

Rise up. Rise up.

God's holy terror is nigh.

Deceiver! A second deception!

Just pack your bags.

Oh, I woke up this morning

With sunshine through my window

Everything that's happened,

So far has turned out right

And I got every reason

To feel it's getting better

It's getting better every minute

Wait until we meet tonight.