02x03 - An Innocent Exchange of Pie

[bunniefuu]

Woo-woo!

It's lease-signing day, a treat
we only get once a century.

The next one will be in paradise.

Do you think there'll be leases
or contracts in paradise?

Yeah, it's paradise.

Joe, thank you for renewing.

Oh, I'm, uh, Matt. Joe's just
coming.

Oh, right. So who's
the freeholder, then?

Joint freeholders, we're married.

Oh, nice. And Joe is short for
Joanna, is it?

Sorry I'm late.

Christ's wounds.

CLEARS THROAT
Samson, they are a lovely Christian
couple.

They were married in a Methodist
Church.

Gets worse. I'm not signing!

Well, that, that could be interpreted
as a little bit of a hate crime.

Meh.

If we don't sign them, we'd have no
place of worship.

In the short term, I don't even know
where we'd go.

DOOR SHUTS

Guess who's going up in the world?

Shoes off in the living room, David.

Oh, you mean the church, Fiona?

David, what have you done?

So, without consulting me,
you've agreed to host 80 people.

This house can hold 80 people.

Mm-hm. All we have to do is
jettison everything we own.

That's the spirit.

What if it rains?

Forecast says 40% chance.

I like those odds.
THUNDER RUMBLES

And you didn't ask Samson
why we lost the church?

Look, son and wife,

if the Lewis house becomes a church,
we're important,

we matter...we're loved.

David, tell me you didn't do
this just to feel loved.

Rachel, is the minibar holy yet?

I put a tablecloth on it.

Next time, just say, "Yes."

Now, go and help Aaron turn your room
into a creche for the under-fives.

Dad, can I just get your signature
on something?

Sure. David, we're going to read
that.

I think it's very clear I wasn't.

Parental approval...

..for Jebediah.

So if I sign this, you two will
officially be courter and courtee?

Why don't we just call it
boyfriend and girlfriend?

I'll be vetting him thoroughly. Yes.

Your mother and I will be riddling
him with questions.

Questions to the ribs, questions to
the eyes.

Marriage is for eternity, Rachel.

Mm-hm. Get that decision wrong
and, oh boy, are you stuck.

Think about it. Every day trapped in
a prison of your own making.

SOMBRE MUSIC PLAYS

Inert in a mental rocking chair,

until you realise your whole life
has been one long death rattle.

And you're grateful when the gurgles
finally stop.

OK, let's go and fix the kitchen.

There's a cookbook in there
with a dried aubergine on the cover,

and that will not fly.

Moved the fragiles to the garage.

Only broke three glasses,

if I maintain that rate when I move
them back,

we'll be in a good spot.

David, what's this?

That?

The pie? Mm.

I made it.

MYSTERIOUS MUSIC
You're claiming you cooked this?

You seared the mince...

..mashed the potato...

..turned on the oven?

Yes.

Turn on the oven now.

That's the dishwasher. Mm-hm.

KNOCK ON THE WINDOW
Hey, guys. Lovely church you got
there.

Can you open it?

CAR HORNS BEEP
No, no, no. No parking here.

But as far as I'm concerned,
the neighbours' lawns are fair game.

David, does your house
church have a confessional?

I have some, um, intimate things
I need to release.

Well, the confessional is my


Do not release anything in there.

Uh, FYI, the new confessional, not
fully soundproofed,

so no listening in from the queue.

Though I guess you could just
listen in,

then confess to it once
it's your turn.

Come on, Joel, let's hear
those secrets.

Hello. Morning.

Good morning. Hey. Hey.

Brother, sister,

just brought a small church-warming
gift to say thank you.

Oh, it's engraved. Oh, my goodness.

Rachel, your match is a gentleman.

No, Dad, my match is over there.

Oh, yes, not the pleasant boy who
brought the thoughtful gift,

but the tattooed man-boy groaning
under the weight of his medallions.

Hello. Mm.

Hey, I'm Jebediah, but please,
call me Jeb.

No, I don't think I will.

Jeb's necklaces are actually
all symbols of his faith.

Powerful symbols, yeah.

That's Catholic, that's Buddhist,

and that's a saint
who doesn't exist.

Well, I feel like all faiths
have part of the picture, right?

Not a good start, Rachel.

God's house should have things
like a font and a chapel.

Not my dad's big bag of spoons.

Are they special collector's spoons?

No. Huh.

We need to make this right.
Walk with me.

You and your sister sleep
in the same room?

This is my parents' room.

Ah.

Yeah, that's much worse.

We should be alone in here,

but the confessional is right
next door.

JOEL: I'm feeling very, uh, pent up
since Samson swore me to chastity.

I, I actually had a wet dream
about Elder Samson.

ABIJAH: Ah, Joel, that's
completely normal.

Right! Um, what do you know?

Samson is claiming there was an
unresolvable administrative error,

but he won't reveal what it is,

or even which elder attended as
witness.

If we find that elder and make him
talk...

Then we can launch a no-confidence
vote.

It shouldn't come to that, Aaron.

You know, we can handle
this delicately.

ABIJAH: I still feel so stressed,
I did nothing at that lease meeting.

JOEL: Abijah, isn't this supposed
to be my confession?

ABIJAH: Yeah, but who does Abijah
confess to?

Abijah. We can break Abijah.

Break? This is w*r, Andrew.

Some men break.

Usually men like Abijah.

Is there nowhere more private
we could talk?

There is no private now, Rachel.

Your father k*lled it.

And I'd do it again, for God.

We could leave the house. And miss
church?

Mm, outdoor Bible study's going
well.

I don't know what they're teaching
them, but it looks good.

I'm gonna lock this so the kids
don't interrupt.

Relax, Rachel.
DOOR SHUTS

This is just a chilled-out,
getting-to-know-you chat, right?

No, you're being evaluated.

And if you fall short, your
relationship will end.

Oh, cool stuff.

Jeb, this family is a unit.

And that means if you want to date my
daughter, you need to date me.

Dad! David. He has to date me,
Fiona.

Question one to evaluate
your suitability as a husband,

how do you tell if a VHS
tape is authentic?

The hologram sticker.

OK. The boy has promise.

David, I'm going to need you to be
quiet, immediately. Mm.

So, Jeb...

..what are your core
religious values?

First and foremost...

..forgiveness.

Matthew 18:21, "Jesus said not
to forgive a sinner seven times,

"but seven times seven times."

That's just an unimaginable number.

The quote is 70 times seven.

Sister, if that were true,
my tattoo would be wrong.

Jeb actually studies the Bible
very diligently.

Is that right? Oh, yeah.

And one thing I've noticed...

..is mountains.

Mount Sinai, Mount Arafat. Ararat.
So many. It's a pattern.

You've named two mountains.

And people talk about sex
positivity,

but Christ's own mother
was a sex worker.

Uh, no, no, no, that's
Mary Magdalene.

Different Mary.

She was his mother, Rachel.

No, Jesus's mother was a virgin,
wasn't she?

Well, who's to say a virgin can't be
a prost*tute,

with OnlyFans and that?

OK, I think I've heard enough,
thank you.

Ooh, can I ask my follow-up question?

Did video technology peak
with the VCR?

And given that it did, why?

KNOCK ON THE WINDOW
Can you unlock the door?

I'm not supposed to get
these children wet.

Mum, you can't just dismiss him
because he got

a few questions wrong.

I'm not, I'm dismissing him

because he has 50 words tattooed on
his body,

and they seem to be the only
words he knows.

It's my duty to ensure you end
up with someone compatible.

Like you did.

Look, I know you wanted me to pick
Josh, but I didn't.

I picked Jeb.

WHISPERS: Don't think about her,
Josh.

I'm gonna give you so many
kids...

..all girls.

Well, you can't really guarantee...
WHISPERS: All girls.

And I name the worst one Rachel.

Fiona, Jeb's mountain thing, did we
dismiss that too early?

David, whatever anyone says about
us, we're solid, right?

We have trust.

We have loyalty.

Of course.

David, hi.

Did you enjoy my pie?

I was wondering if I could
have my dish back.

ABIJAH SIGHS
OK, anyone listening in on that,

please remember, he's a family
man with a family business.

Aaron, do you want to confess
or access your bedroom?

We need you to fetch some
squash from the garage.

Can it wait? I have a queue of
troubled souls here...

Samson's asking. Please don't tell
him I hesitated.

Hello, squash, my old friend.

Abijah, if you could do us the
kindness of taking a seat.

Us?

Yes...

..us.

It was an innocent exchange of pie.

There were no illicit intentions.

Ah.

TRAY BANGS
David, what are you doing?

Shatterproof, David. I always use
shatterproof.

What in God's name is that?

Well, that's Sharpie.

Could've been there for years.

Maude, that message is old, right?

Not particularly.

Mm-hm. So when did you write it?

When I made the pie.

OK, so who was the message for?

The person I made the pie for.

David, could I ask you to leave?

Fiona, I'd love to.

Tell me, Maude...

..what business do you have making
my husband a pie?

Well, I noticed he wasn't getting
any at home.

PENSIVE MUSIC

Sorry, I'll try that again.

Maude, I think we got off
on the wrong foot.

I felt like you were making improper
advances to my husband,

but I'm sure I've misread.

No, Fiona, I think
you're a very astute woman.

I noticed you have a little business
selling trinkets online.

It's very cute.

What is it about your home that
you're so desperate to break out of?

They say men defined history, Fiona,

but when Caesar came home after a
long day at the Curia Hostilia,

who did he ask for fresh linens?

WHISPERS: His wife.

If the emperor answers to the woman
who pours his bathwater,

who really ruled the Julio-Claudian
dynasty?

There's nothing powerful about
waiting on a man hand and foot.

So why were you worried
about my pie?

David is a very special man.

So pliant, so malleable.

Oh, he'd make a great emperor.

Stay away from my husband.

You think your kitchen is
a prison, Fiona?

Well, I'm the prison warden.

WHISPERS: And you're out past
curfew.

Take your dish out of my kitchen,
you adulterous, pie-making b*tch.

Um, sorry, do you have any kitchen
roll?

Uh, a child threw up in the creche,

and it's caused something
of a...a chain reaction.

Josh, I...I just wanted to say that
I'm sorry.

What I was saying was,
I'm sorry that...

SINGING OUT OF TUNE
♪ Joy of man's desire... ♪

OK. I know somewhere we can talk.

It's not ideal, but it is...an
airing cupboard.

Look, I'm sorry you heard me
earlier.

It's OK. I do need to come to
terms with you picking Jeb.

Having it screamed at me
might speed that up.

Did he make a good impression?

Well, my mum hates him,
so that's a big plus.

Right.

Look, he said some dumb
stuff, but he's different.

I think he'll let me do what I want,

let me work without me having to...
Leave the order?

I didn't say that.

What if I want those things
for you too?

With your dad over your shoulder?

There's more to me than my dad.

I should go.

Mm. Sweet knit, sister.

Why did we lose the church, Abijah?

You got a big bag of spoons in
here.

Abijah! Samson couldn't sign the
lease.

DYNAMIC MUSIC

Couldn't or wouldn't? I...

Before you answer that, Abijah...
SWITCH CLICKS

Ah, so bright.

Samson, uh, disagreed with our
freeholder.

What about?

Who, who can say?

What's the freeholder like?

Smartly dressed, friendly.

Keep talking.

He was...he was there with his
husband.

Can I just say, I tried to stand
up to Samson,

I begged for him to sign that lease?

Would you stand up to him
again in front of everyone?

This is the worst day of my life.

Thank you, Abijah.

You may go now.
GARAGE DOOR CLICKS AND WHIRS

ABIJAH CLEARS THROAT

See ya. Hmm.

ABIJAH GRUNTS

Oh, the driveway's cold and
wet.

Well, I'm disappointed, but not
surprised.

We should launch a no-confidence
vote.

Aaron, let's not be rash.

Jesus said, "Turn the other cheek."

He also flipped the tables
in the temple.

There's a time for forgiveness

and there's a time to send in the
locusts.

Let me handle this, discreetly.

If that fails? Then I'll source you
a thousand locusts.

A thousand? That's nowhere near
enough.

A thousand sounds like a lot.

A swarm is 40 to 80 million.

Well, you've taught me something
today.
GARAGE DOOR BANGS

ABIJAH GRUNTS
Sorry, guys,

I think I left my keys in your
black-site garage prison.

See ya in a bit.

Mum, I'm sorry for what I said
before about you and Dad.

You'll be wanting your form,
no doubt.

You signed it?

Well, I realised no relationship
is perfect.

One minute things are bearable

and the next you're staring at a
pie dish

from a homewrecking spider woman.
WATER SPLASHES

Ah!

Fiona, are you decent?

I know you don't like me seeing
you with your elbows uncovered.

Hello, David. Maude...

..you're on my wife's bed.

Yes, I sensed it was hers.

Two single beds and nary
a mark on the floor.

I'd wager it's been quite some time
since you pushed these two together.

WHISPERS: This needs to end.

What needs to end?

You, the pie, everything.

I ate that pie under false
pretences.

I thought it was a platonic pie.

But now I see your intentions
were...

..impure.

But you did eat it, David.

And you enjoyed it.

That pie is still inside you now...

..feeding you...

..nourishing your bones,

nourishing those huntsman's bones.

There was quite a lot of dairy
in the mash. Mm-hm.

Yeah, it's been going great.

Real physical sense of community.

Uh, just a few question marks

over why you didn't host it at your
house.

My house is far too small for this.

Cos the order account just got
charged

for 5,000 terracotta floor tiles.

Yes, those tiles are for my
small house.

Now shut up and show me the altar.

Ah, here we are, the sacred
zone,

uh, at the interface where two
wallpapers meet.

Remove the cat. Oh, it's a godly
cat.

Look at those clouds.

It has the devil's eyes.

You'll never see it again.

Right.

What are they doing here?

Esteemed members of the order,
I bring good tidings.

The administrative error Samson
claimed to be unresolvable

has now being resolved.

We have our church back.

GROANS: Oh.

Ah. All that remains is for Samson
to, uh, sign on the dotted line,

as it were.

Now, does anyone have a pen?

Absolutely, Andrew.

He needed a pen.

There's a mistake here.

It says the price has gone
up by 10%.

No mistake.

We've booked a second honeymoon
with a KING-size bed.

Very important there's a king-size
bed.

Mm.

You'll fit right in with them...

..in hell.
WHISPERS: Come on.

Aaron? Aar...

I hereby call a no-confidence vote

in the leadership of
Chief Elder Samson.

Wow.
OK, uh, we're gonna go now.

Oh, yeah.

Nice to see you again.

Happy honeymoon. Hope it's a nice
bed.

You think you can take me
on, little boy?

You'd need an elder to vouch for
that.

Any elders wanna raise
their hands?

Abijah, if you raise your hand,
I will destroy you.

Samson, my hands are below my belt
line and I would not risk

raising them any further.

Anyone?

Didn't think so.

Tatty-bye, then.

CHURCHGOERS GASPING

The vote will take place
within two weeks.

Good luck.

Well, we didn't quite get an official
service, but all told,

a good day, I felt.

A 13-year-old launched a coup
against me.

Yes, and I can't be blamed for that.

Hey, mate.

Crazy day, right?

Yeah.

I saw you with Rachel earlier.

Uh, yeah, we, we were just...

Yeah, I don't wanna see you do
that anymore.

She picked me, you guys are over.
Deal with it.

Everything all right?

Everything's great!

Um, next stages. Can't wait.

Fiona, that woman is bad news.

But I told her, "No more!"

Thank you for hosting, David.

Lovely to see inside your bedroom.