01x01 - Pilot

[bunniefuu]

So, matt...

Your father and I
couldn't help but notice

Some rowdy music coming
from your room yesterday.

What's up with that? It's
a little too rowdy, matt.

Starting to remind me of
your uncle theo over there.

Oh, yeah? I love rowdy music.

Who you rockin' out to? Uh...

Ah-ah-ah-ah, lemme guess...

Bizkit? What?

It's a band, matt. Oh,
'cause you would know.

I would know!

Uh... No?

Okay, korn? No.

System? No.

Rammstein? No.

Slipknot? No.

God damn, you gotta
hand it to theo, deb.

He knows a lot of bands!
It's too many bands.

Disturbed? No.

Papa roach? No.

Manson? Marilyn,
not charles. No.

What? Marilyn, not charles.

No. Okay, a little
more obscure.

Sevendust? No.

Deftones? No.

Soulfly? No.

Godsmack? No.

Jesus! Alright, just
tell me what you're into.

What do you listen
to? Just tell me!

Post malone?

Post malone?

Yeah.

Uhhhhhh... Oh,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think I've heard
some of their sh*t.

Deb, this meal is heaven.

Just heaven.
- Really good.

Yeah, honey. Great choice.

Burger boyz usually
gives me diarrhea,

But I can't help myself!

[ laughter ]
- okay.

You guys ever see that animation

Of homer simpson
backing into the bushes?

Uh, that's me right now!

Yeah! Too much tmi, darby!

[ laughter ]

Too funny.

Hey. Sometimes, when
I hear about a singer,

I'll refer to them as
"they" like they're a band.

There's a lot of people behind
the scenes that help out.

Producers,
engineers. So just...

That's why I talked
about post malone

Like he's more than one guy.

That's all.

He's from new york, bet
you didn't you know that.

Theo, it's alright if you
don't know who post malone is.

I know who he... who
they are, alright?!

I mean, I sat here and
I named a hundred bands,

You pussies only knew
the most mainstream one!

Hey! Theo, easy!

Theo, do not talk about pussies
at our dinner table like that!

Okay, this is dad's
table, not yours.

Theo, the fact that
dad entrusted me to run

Royal crackers says enough
about whose table this is, okay?

The only thing you run is
that stupid mouth of yours!

You weren't entrusted
to run anything,

You took a job I didn't
want because I was busy

Touring the country makin'
hits and hittin' [bleep]

I'm sure your father wishes
you were still touring

With that no-talent
band of yours

Instead of just sitting
around here taking up space!

That "no-talent band"
was called taint,

And guitar world ranked
us best numetal band

Two years in a row, so here's
a sufi for each one, lady!

Y'all need to stop fighting!

Hey, I got an idea,

Why don't we let dad
decide whose table this is!

- Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad!

- Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad! Hey!

- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
- Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Stebe: Okay, everyone,
first order of business...

As you all know, royal crackers'
sales numbers are still down.

But lucky for us,
the first boxes

Of our black licorice
flavor have just arrived

And we believe they
could single-handedly

Save the company!

Hmm! Don't mind if I do!

[ laughter ]

Mm. Hmm.

♪♪

Mm.

Meh.

Honey, do you need
some water or...

♪♪

Are you okay, stebe?

I'm fine.

Oh, my god, you're bleeding!

They got a lot of taste.

Delicious.

Anyway, we have a
solid product here

That should practically
sell itself...

Sufi, baby!

- Hey! It's theo!
- Hey!

Hey, there's my man darby!

Bakersfield's best family
attorney over here!

Royal crackers secret
handshake, ready?

Oh, no way!

Me?

[bleep]

I mean, that's just
straight-up offensive.

Hey, theo, any chance of
that taint reunion tour

Happening this summer?

I got my hands full with
my solo stuff right now.

Plus, two of those guys
are dead from jack hangs.

Ugh, can we have one meeting
where we don't mention

Auto-erotic asphyxiation?

I have a serious matter
that needs to be discussed!

Well, honey, I mean, jack
hangs can be pretty serious...

As stebe mentioned...
Our sales are down,

But more importantly,

We're on the brink
of hitting a new low.

We're even at risk
of falling behind

What has traditionally been
our easiest competitor...

"uncle dipshit's fart wafers."

You know, once you eat
about three or four of them,

You kinda get used
to the fart taste.

Spit that out!

I have to get the black
licorice taste out of my mouth!

Anyhoos, I have been doing some
intense research on facebook

And it turns out,
social media is

A great way to
promote your product!

I'm proposing that we put money

Towards a viral
marketing campaign.

We take to all social
media platforms,

Including facebook, to
become a viral sensation.

Well, deb, honey, I would
be honored to take the reins

Of this new viral
marketing campaign.

What?!

Yeah, stebe, I don't think
you're right for this.

She's right.

We need someone fresh.

Someone young at heart.

Someone who knows
this, what is it?

Facebook like the
back of their hand.

Someone who can make our company
blossom into the new age.

The person we should
elect is none other

Than that who's name
I will utter now.

And that name is...

Me! Head of the viral
marketing campaign!

Wow, dad, can you believe it!?

Oh, you like this song, huh?

This is off our second
album, "b*tch slap."

♪♪

Theo!

Theo in charge of
viral marketing?!

There was nothing
we could do, deb.

We were outnumbered two to four.

No, I was outnumbered
one to five

Because you voted for
yourself, you idiot!

Even though you voted last
and you had zero votes!

Well, excuse me for
loving a comeback story!

Do you and your brother
even have facebooks?

Okay.

You've got to stop
saying facebook.

Am I saying it a lot?

Yeah, it's weir... it's a lot.

Anyway, deb, relax, it's
just a viral marketing thing.

He'll make one youtube video,

It'll go nowhere, and
everyone will move on.

But what happens if
he succeeds, stebe?

The other board members
already love him,

Now he shows leadership skill,

Your father dies, and you
get stepped over for ceo?

And then what?

He gets dibs on your
father's master bedroom?

I will not lose out on
that master bath, stebe.

It has a bidet in it!

Do you know what a bidet is!

Yes, I know what a bidet is!

A bidet washes out your
butt hole after you crap!

I said I know what it is.

And I could just as
well use it on my front!

Don't even try to stop me!

Deb, theo's not
responsible enough

To be ceo of royal crackers.

I'm the responsible one.

And as for his celebrity status,

His music isn't even
relevant anymore.

You guys think I'm washed up?!

Well, allow me to
school you posers!

1998 family values tour!

I'm talkin' lb, I'm talkin'
soad, I'm talkin'...

K!

The hottest tour in the country!

And I was set to
be on that lineup,

And I would have
been had it not been

For those backstabbing
pieces of sh*t in orgy!

[ singer screaming
indistinctly ]

[ muffled shouting ]

♪♪

♪♪

You both just made a
very powerful enemy!

I'm gonna make a viral video
that's gonna go so viral,

The board will be
begging me to become ceo.

So with that, I've got one
gift for each of you...

Don't... Do sufis again.

Am I doing it too much?

[ dramatic music plays ]

- [ gasps ] -[ gasps ]
- dad!

Oh, my god! Dad! Dad!

Dad! Theodore!

Dad! Dad!

Dad, wake up! Get
his clothes off!

Dad! Dad!

Wake up! Dad, wake up!

Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!

Doctor: Well, I
have some bad news.

Your father's fallen into
what we in the medical field

Call a "super-coma."

Or, more casually, a "suco."

He also suffered a
pretty bad spinal injury

When you all thrashed him
around like a rag doll.

We were spooked. Okay?

Yeah. So we let our
emotions get the best of us.

What, is that a crime now?

What do you do when your
dad has a nasty fall?

You go like this? "hmm."

Look, guys. He goes
like this, look, look.

"hmm."

[ laughter ] that's funny.

Okay, clearly you're
all still very upset.

Maybe it's best I come back
when you've all calmed down.

♪♪

[ thinking ] I don't act
like that when my dad falls!

♪♪

Well, I certainly hope you're
proud of yourself, theo.

Proud of what? The $5
footlong in my underwear?

No, you idiot,

For putting your
father in a suco!

You're blaming me for that?

Guys! This is
getting us nowhere!

Look, I'd really hate to
bring this up now but...

If mr. Hornsby is
really on his last leg,

Then we need to
start talking about

His last will and testament.

He... he has a last
will and testament?

In a safety deposit
box across town.

It details everything.

Who the company goes
to, who gets the house.

Should I go get it?

Yeah, yes. Go get it.
W-we're not scared.

Yeah, I mean if it says
what dad truly wanted

For his estate upon his death?

Why would that
scare me? Honestly?

It doesn't scare me at all.

Yeah, it shouldn't.

My... my dad loved
you like a daughter.

He also loved me, that's
why I'm not scared.

I mean, do we live in
a society where love

Is something to
be scared of now?

Is that where we're
at in this country?

Exactly. Yeah. I'm not
even that scared, tbh.

Like... like, on a
scale of 1 to 10?

I'd put my scared level
at like a 2, tops.

Well, I'm at a 9 just 'cause
I'm scared about losing my dad.

Oh, yeah, no, I-I'm at an
11 when it comes to that.

Oh, really? 'cause you just
said you're at a 2, as*h*le!

I'm clearly more scared about
losing dad than you are!

Bull[bleep]

♪♪

Matt.

Matt! Get your
fat ba*ls in here.

Do you know how to
work a dv camera?

Uh, I guess. Why
are you doing this?

Oh, my god, matt,

Because if this viral
video is successful,

I'll prove myself to
the other board members

Before your grandpa dies!

Then I'll force a
vote, become ceo,

And make your as*h*le parents

Work the mailroom for
the rest of their lives!

No, I mean, like, why don't you
just sh**t this on your phone?

'cause it has to
look professional!

I want it to look just as
good on a freakin' big screen!

You think people wanna
exclusively watch videos

On their phone?

Why don't you ask quibi?

Oh, wait, you can't.

Well, yeah, b...

Because they went
out of business.

Right, but... in the year 2020.

I think... 'cause they
thought it'd be a good idea

To sh**t videos
exclusively for the phone.

Alright, it's recording.

Make sure you get
the background, too,

They need to see all the
cool crap in my room.

You ready?
- Uhh, yeah.

Okay, say "action."

Say action! Action.

Hey, twitterworld, it's your
boy theo hornsby here...

Frontman of the legendary
rock band taint!

You know, I've had to face
some pretty tough challenges

In my life, from
losing two bandmates

To botched jack hangs to being
bumped from woodstock '99

For poor results
from my physical.

But I'm here to take on
my toughest challenge yet,

"the royal cr*cker challenge,"
where I'm gonna try and eat

An entire box of royal
crackers within 10 seconds!

I'm asking y'all to do the same

And tag three friends
to take on the crackers!

I challenge dwayne
"the rock" johnson,

Joe rogan, and my man ninja!

So without further ado,
let's start the clock!

[ thinking ] alright, darby.

Now let's get this will
back to the office,

And we'll have finished
a hard day's work.

You should be proud of yourself.

You don't practice enough
self-love these days.

Maybe you should get
back into meditation.

Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

You know what burger boyz
does to your stomach.

You're on the clock right
now, not a good idea.

Why don't you reward yourself
after you drop the will off?

Yeah. That's a good idea.

Yeah, can I get six
burger boy burgers

With extra diarrhe...
Er, extra cheese?

Darby blarchardt's office,
how may I help you?

[ screams ]

Darby, what is going on!?

Burger boyz! That's what!

[ toilet seat thuds ]

[ zipper unzips ]

Whew.

Wha... no, no!

I need something to read!

Don't you have your phone?
That's not real reading,

Don't let anyone
tell you otherwise!

God damn it, I've
read these already!

Aw, come on! What
the hell, man?

Darby: I'm sorry!

♪♪

Al? Rachel? We called
this meeting today

Because our company is
in a dire situation.

Our current ceo, my father,

Has just fallen
into a super-coma.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Not a suco!

Truth be told, we
just don't think

Theo has it in him to succeed

With this viral
marketing campaign.

It's okay, you made a
mistake voting for him.

It's water under the bridge.

Oh, I think theo
will do a fine j...

Shut up, al!

You've entrusted the
fate of this company

To a washed-up rocker who
wouldn't know a viral video

If it bit him on the [bleep]

I will have a bidet

To wash my as*h*le
out after I crap.

♪♪

Deb and I have
prepared a presentation

That will lay out a
new marketing campaign

That will rebrand us for
a more successful future.

Years ago, theodore hornsby
sr. Started this company

With one wheat garden
and a small kitchen

In the back of a
chinese opium den.

He put all his
efforts into crafting

The perfect saltine cr*cker.

And from that, he
built an empire

That expanded across the nation.

Sadly, his mind started to go.

He could no longer keep
conscious during meetings.

Innovation stopped.

We stopped trying to understand
the evolving palate of america.

A company that once made
america's favorite saltine

Has become a relic
of a bygone era.

Until now.

We've see our mistakes.
We've listened.

Everyone loves a comeback story.

And this is ours.

Royal crackers.

It's time for change.

Wonderful! Just wonderful!

Ugh, great.

Looks like every media
outlet in bakersfield

Found out about the suco.

Just look at 'em. They
don't even care about him.

Just clamoring for their little
scoop on who the next ceo is.

Heartless vultures.

Yeah, little do they know they
could have just stayed home

And watched our new tv ad.

It would have made
it pretty clear

Who's siphoning control from
my father's lifeless hands.

Freakin' vultures.

Five million views, baby!

That's how many
people have watched

The royal crackers
challenge! The what?

Not only are royal
crackers sales blowing up,

But I am back in the spotlight.

People everywhere are
gonna be kissin' my [bleep]

For a taint reunion tour!

Which, by the way, will be clean

Because of the butthole washer
in my new master bathroom!

♪♪

Announcer: This is a breaking
news report from cvm.

Good evening, I'm clair
bailey with breaking news...

A pandemic of choking deaths
has ravaged the nation

After an online video called
"the royal crackers challenge"

Went viral this week.

The video was created
by one of two heirs

To the royal crackers fortune,

Former taint frontman
theo hornsby jr.

The video challenges youtubers
and social media influencers

To eat an entire box
of royal crackers

In under 10 seconds.

What the [bleep] dude? She's
talking over the whole thing!

Due to the crackers
being borderline inedible

And hornsby jr. Being a
washed-up laughing stock,

The video quickly became
an ironic viral sensation.

Bro! Have you
seen this video?

Who even remembers
the band taint?

This guy is so sad, you
just feel so bad for him!

What a joke this guy is!

It was all fun and
games until every video

Took a turn for the worst.

[ choking ]

Among the list of
celebrity casualties...

Dwayne "the rock" johnson,
joe rogan, and ninja.

Authorities are tight-lipped,
but suggest foreign objects

Found in the crackers
may be to blame.

Foreign objects?
What foreign objects?

I can't! I can't!

Ninja!

♪♪

Hi, I'm stebe hornsby!

And I'm deb hornsby!

As the ceo in-waiting
and rightful heir

To the royal crackers fortune,
we want to give something back.

A thank you for allowing
us into your pantries

And onto your dinner tables.

So starting this week,
royal crackers is tossing

A handful of loose
change into every box!

Think of it as retribution

For not having your
support over the years.

Royal crackers.

There's some [bleep]
change inside.

[ horse whinnies ]

[ flatline ]

[ murmuring ]

Welp, I hope you all
like your assholes dirty

Because now none of us
are gonna get the bidet.

Who cares, deb!

No one's ever buying a box
of royal crackers again!

For god's sake, we k*lled ninja!

Hey, guys. I got here
as fast as I could.

Do you think I could
talk to him alone?

No weird stuff.

Yeah. Go ahead.

♪♪

Hey, theo?

C-can I ask you a question?

W-why don't you ever ask me

To do the royal crackers
secret handshake?

I don't know. Doesn't seem
like something you'd wanna do.

I do want to. Badly.

Everyone in our company
looks up to you.

You know how much it would
mean to them to see me

Get to shake hands
with the super cool

Theo hornsby jr.?

Everyone lights up when
you walk into that room.

That's why we
worried when you got

The viral marketing
campaign, theo.

Everyone loves you.

They put up with
stebe. My husband.

But, you guys, I've got
years of stage time.

Honing the craft of
captivating an audience.

Don't forget... I've opened
for papa roach, for god's sake.

Yeah, that's big.
But you know what?

I can't run a company on my own.

That's why we need each other.

We're sorry, theo.

Come on, bring it in here, guys.

Mm.

Mm, mm, mm.

[ sighs ] mr. Hornsby?

There's no easy way to say this,
so I'll just get right to it.

I wiped my a*s with your will.

I know that sounds crazy, but...

I was in the midst of a
burger boyz sh*t blizzard.

You know what burger
boyz does to my stomach.

But I just can't help myself.

It's just too
good. So sh**t me.

[bleep] k*ll me. Call the man.

Anyway, I had to read something

While I was on the toilet,
so I grabbed your will.

And I just... I got mixed up...

And I wiped with
the wrong paper.

And of course at that point,

I had no other choice
but to flush it.

You know what, I blame
you for making it

Such a compelling read, you
know with the big plot twist

Where you sell off
all your assets

And give the money to matt.

I'm so sorry, mr. Hornsby.

Your will is gone.

I guess the board is just
going to have to elect

Stebe or theo to ceo...

♪♪

[ monitor beeping steadily ]

Guys, you are not
gonna believe this.

Ladies and gentleman, this
week, as you all know,

Our father and acting
ceo of royal crackers,

Theodore hornsby sr.,
had a tragic accident

And fell into a suco.

Under the supervision
of my brother and I,

Royal crackers was
single-handedly responsible

For the deaths of thousands of
influencers across the globe.

It was caused by a lapse

In communication
within our company.

But more importantly,
our family.

But today, we are
here to announce...

That theodore hornsby sr.
Is back, alive and well!

As for all the influencers
and youtube personalities

That are now dead, sorry.

Sorry about that.
You'll just...

You're gonna have to
start over with those.

But! From this day forth,

We, under the supervision
of our father,

Will work hand in hand

To right the wrongs of
these last few days.

Is that a good enough
apology for you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, sure.

- That works for me, yeah.
- I'm good with that, yeah.

Hey, who wants to see the royal
crackers secret handshake?

[bleep] [ reporters gasp ]

[ G ]

♪♪

♪♪