01x02 - Theo's Comeback Tour

[bunniefuu]

This summer...

Comes the most anticipated
event of the century.

I'm sorry did I break
yo' concentration?!

He rocked the
world with taint...

He's paid his dues, and
now he's back to collect.

What goes around comes around.

Three nights only. He's
taking his solo act

Across the central
valley, starting Friday at

Kenny's lobster shack
in bakersfield...

Saturday at penny lanes
bowling alley in fresno...

Then Sunday, he's back...

At kenny's lobster shack.

The theo hornsby
jr comeback tour.

What can I say? I'm
just getting started.

Brought to
you by royal crackers.

Welp, I've never been
more insulted in my life!

Doctor said osteoporosis
is giving me uneven legs!

Then she tried to give
me orthopedic shoes!

I should sue her!

Anywhos, how was
everyone else's day...

Stebe!

What is this?

Well, theo's on
his comeback tour,

I let him borrow the
car under the condition

That he'd use matt
as his roadie.

So it looks to me like we have
the house all to ourselves.

Ooh, we gonna open
up that sofa bed?

Hang out all night right
in the living room?

Drinking wine and...

Eating jellybeans.

That's right, babydoll.

Ooh, and guess what.

There's a weekend marathon of...

Don't you say it!

"antique-appraisals."

Hey, matt, I bet you're
wondering how your uncle theo

Landed this sick venue
for his kickoff show, huh?

You wrote your
name on that paper?

Yeah, but I convinced
them to have an open mic.

The manager here?
Happens to be moey d.

Taint's old hype-man. Now
he's just wasting away

At this dead end job.

Sad.

Moey deeeee! Dude!

You shoulda come on the
comeback tour with me!

For old time's sake! Ha!

With my sciatica? Not
a chance, bro-bro.

Anyway, I've got my hands
full workin' overtime here.

Someone's gotta put my
daughter through med school.

Med school! I...

Wow, it's been that long, huh?

Well... Well, make
sure you strap

An ankle bracelet on
her every morning, dude.

Dwarf chicks are basically
chum for human traffickers.

I gotta go
check on the kitchen.

Good luck tonight, huh?

Gotcha d*ck!

What the is up,
kenny's lobster shack?!

♪ I've been stuck

♪ to this rusty hook
for the longest time ♪

♪ 'cause I don't
know what it means ♪

♪ to let go...

This guy! Moey d:
Ladies and gentlemen,

Kenny's lobster shack
is proud to present

Bakersfield's
favorite comedy duo...

Bill peachknee and
his pal flappy!

How's everyone doing tonight?

What the moey?!

I had a badass closer planned!

Dude, it's freakin' peachknee.

I'm guessing they're
not very good after that performance!

flappy! How dare you!

That's theo from taint!

Remember that band
from over 20 years ago?

theo from taint?

No wonder it smells like
ba*ls and butt up here!

Good one!

flappy,
give the poor guy a break.

He's a struggling artist,
for crying out loud!

what
about the audience?

They were struggling
just to stay awake!

Rotate, bud!

Rotate? Yeah, sit
on it and spin!

I'd rather let freddy krueger
give me a rectal exam!

Maybe I can arrange
that for you!

Excuse me?!

See you in your nightmares!

What is wrong with this guy?

Hey, no thanks, pal.

Mmm! Mmm-mmm-mmm. My
goodness, what a fabulous find.

That's armoire's gotta
be at least $8,000.

At least. Gotta be.

What are you doing, ya lunatic?

Gimme some jellybeans!

Make me, you stupid idiot!

Stop it, you stinker!

Ow! Ooh, hon, are you okay?

Did I hurt your little ba*ls?

Cbd gummies?

These must be
theo's! Oh, my god!

He's using drugs?

In your father's house!

I can't believe him! What,
is he trying to tempt us

To ruin our lives, too?

Honestly, I just feel
bad for him, deb.

I mean he can't go
through a single day

Without putting
junk in his body?

Sad. Yeah, when have we ever

Needed drugs to go
buck wild, right?

Y-yeah, right.

Yeah, we can get
pretty crazy without.

Heh.

Can you believe
this? 20 years ago,

Groupies were ripping
each other apart

Just to get to the front
row so they could look up

My board shorts and catch
a peek of my massive dong!

Now I'm being bumped by
some hack and his puppet?

I thought you liked him.

You were laughing
at all his jokes.

Because I felt
sorry for him, dude!

He was bombing up there!
I'm telling you...

Peachknee better pray I don't
run into him on the streets.

Otherwise it'll be, "pop! Pop!
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

Uncle theo, what's going on with
you?! "pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

You're scaring me!

Aah!

Did you do that on purpose?!

Yes!

I-I mean, no!

Sorry, I don't like
admitting mistakes.

Quick, grab his legs and
let's get him into the trunk.

What?! No! We...
we should just call

The police and tell
them what happened!

Matt! I'm driving
around high as

On cbd gummies! Plus,
after all those people

Saw me humiliate the
sh*t out of him tonight,

I'll be suspect
numero uno, dude!

Then what would happen?
You'd go to prison.

Please. I ain't
afraid of prison.

I'd be runnin' that place.
You? You on the other hand?

I'm laughing just
thinking about it.

Matt, if I get
arrested for this,

We'll miss the show tomorrow.

You wanna upset my fresno fans?

Be my guest. But they're loco.

And you better believe
my one phone call's

Gonna go to my web guy!
He's gonna post on my site

That it was matt hornsby
who didn't let me rock

Fresno's brains out.

We're in this together.

Welcome back to
"comix off the leash."

So, jay, what do you think
the olympics'd be like

If comic book characters
were allowed to compete?

- Hello?
- Darbyyyyyy!

Theooo!

How's the tour going, my dude?

Oh, you know. Sex,
drugs, and rock 'n' roll.

Aka the ush'. Ha ha!

Hey, make sure you go easy
on those cbd gummies, my guy!

Pshh! Come on, guy. I'm a pro.

That you are,
theo! That you are!

So listen, I k*lled
a guy last night.

What the hell?!

Hey, hey! It was an accident.

You know how hard it is
for me to admit mistakes!

Give me some credit, dude!

I'm sorry. I am
happy to hear that.

I know that's not easy for you.

Thank you! I feel like I'm
making real progress out here.

Well, yeah, you needed this.

I did, right? I've been
so irritable lately.

I mean, you saw
it. I was stressed

With work and...

Mu... music.

What about that fat kid?
How's he holding up?

hey, kids. hey, kids.

Ugh. Don't get me started.

Listen, darby, I need to
get rid of a dead body.

Dead body?!

Yeah, and we need to act fast.

Car's starting to
smell like sh*t.

Why didn't you call
me last night?!

Because I needed a
good night's sleep

To get my mind sharp, darby!

One slip up here and we
could all go to jail.

Slept like a baby, by the way.

You're welcome. Okay, look.

Your dad has a guy in fresno,

But we haven't used
him in a while.

I'll make contact and
try to get you a meet.

But no promises!

Okay, I printed out some
of my facebook research.

There's been no reported
cases of an overdose,

So we'll take that
with a grain of salt.

Uh, let's see, side
effects may include nausea,

Fatigue, and irritability.

So we'll need to follow
the directions to a "t."

Way ahead of you. Read them
over a hundred times now.

It says to take no
more than three,

Otherwise we could be playing
a very dangerous game here.

You ready? Well,
here goes nothing.

Mmm! Not bad.

Stebe!

careful,
kid! I'd skip the sausage

If I were you! From
the smell of things,

I'd say the last guy that ate
here didn't make it out alive.

Oh, is that right?
You eat at a lot of

Fancy places, flappy? Why
don't you name us one?

I think
he... No, no, let him answer.

What michelin star restaurant
have you been to, dude?

Please, indulge
us! Uh, I, uh...

Yeah, why don't you take an
improv class, you jackass?

g*dd*mn, where is this guy?

He was supposed to be
here 15 minutes ago.

Alright, gentlemen, I'm gonna
need your undivided attention.

I talk fast and I act
fast. Try to keep up

Because I don't have
time to repeat myself.

Nod once if you understand.

Good. Were you both
in senator johnson's

Suite last night for
the private party?

I don't have time to
play games, gentlemen.

I need you to make an
effort to answer fast.

Lynx! Mr. Lynx!

Enjoy your breakfast, gentlemen.

Aaaah!

phew!

Hi, I'm your fixer!

You fellas ready to
get rid of a body!

what's got
you shook up, boys?

Don't be scared! Tell me
where the dead body is

And we can get to work!

Jesus christ, keep
your voice down!

The whole restaurant's
looking at us!

Nothing to see here, people!

These fellas and I
are just havin' a chat

About the latest airing

Of "the procter &
gamble mystery hour"!

Satisfied, mussolini?

Yeah, good cover. Look, guy!

I have a show at penny
lanes bowling alley tonight

And I have "equipment"
in my trunk

That we need to
"unpack." capiche?

You're doing the
penny lanes open mic?

I go up there every weekend!
But first things first,

If we're gonna bury
this dead body,

We need to do some housekeeping.

This ain't an episode
of "the procter & gamble

Mystery hour." we're
gonna need to steal

The icebox of this
here cafeteria.

If we can't get
into the kitchen,

I'll whip out my
trusty derringer

And blow my brains out!

That'll buy you boys enough
time to run for the hills.

But no icebox, so I
guess we'll have failed.

Ready? On three!

you're a
straight sh**ter, old man!

I'm here for it! No, stop!

Dude, is it just
ice that we need?

We need to preserve
this body, mack!

Don't need the bulls to come
sniffin' around the area

And catching a whiff!

We can't put ice in
the trunk, you dipshit!

I got my equipment back
there! Yeah, exactly.

No, I mean like
my real equipment.

Wait, what are we
talking about here?

So what'd this fella do
to earn a one-way ticket

To trunksville, anyway?
He made fun of my show.

Everyone take note.

You don't disrespect
another man's art!

You hear me?!

Boys, add the dry ice.

This'll keep our friend
smellin' like daisies

And it won't ruin your gear.

We used to eat this stuff
right off of the vine!

Alright, we need supplies.
Shovels and the lot.

Where's the nearest
sears roebuck?

Hey! What's this on
the ol' gramophone?

It's my new single. It's
called "rusty hook."

You like it? It's derivative!

Want some constructive
feedback, kid?

This day and age, you gotta
have something groundbreaking

To make a real splash.

Ha! Please. You're
not even my demo, bro.

In fact, I'd be worried
if you did like it.

Nah, sorry. I'm
gonna keep doing me.

"keep doing me." I like that.

So where are we burying
this talentless hack?

Probably need a nice
quiet, undeveloped spot

With no prying eyes, huh?

What about
quicksand? Quicksand!

Yeah, matt. Let's go
find some quicksand,

Or call the tooth fairy and
ask her to take the body

To never never land.

I got a few of my
favorite spots in mind.

Just keep driving and I'll
tell you where to stop.

♪ Well, I left my
home in louisiana ♪

♪ to find some gold
in california ♪

♪ so I packed my bags
and headed east ♪

♪ well, halfway there,
I started to reckon ♪

♪ I was going in the
wrong direction ♪

♪ now I'm stuck in tennessee

♪ yeah, I broke down at
a rest area in memphis ♪

♪ and a couple of guys...

Hey, you shriveled nutsack!

I got a gig tonight, remember?!

Can't you find one
spot that hasn't been

Overrun by corporate interests?

Attention
central valley!

This is a silver alert. An
elderly man went missing

From the hidden pines nursing
home in fresno this morning.

Be on the lookout
for a super old man

With a big-a*s nose,
gross wiry hair

Protruding from his
ears, and known to make

Multiple references to
"the procter & gamble

Mystery hour."
whatever that is.

Feel bad for that
guy. Did you hear him?

He's never heard of
"the procter & gamble

Mystery hour." sad.

Are you kidding me
right now, dude?!

Are you even a real fixer!

Watch your tongue, boy!

I was once the best in my day.

But I got old. And
now I'm locked in that

g*dd*mn prison of
a nursing home!

Sure, they let me
out once a week for

The penny lanes open
mic. But guess what!

The open mic'ers
hate me!

When I try to hang out, they
all give me fake phone numbers!

Sometimes I'll spend all day

Trying different
numbers for each digit

Hoping that maybe bryce misspoke

When he said one of the numbers!

Nope! I end up
calling half the town

Just to hear them tell me
they don't know a bryce

And to stop bothering them!

I'm all alone. So when
your man called me

About this job, I was thrilled.

I figured if I could do
one more tour of duty,

Then this could be my
chance to make a comeback.

Wow. This is like looking into

Whatever the opposite
of a mirror is.

it's
called a window, you dummy!

Hey, if we're gonna
be here for a while,

You mind flippin' that
phonograph back on?

But not that crappy
song of yours, theo.

Do not disrespect
another man's art!

Do you hear me?!

oh, god.

It's... it's not going
away! I can't breathe!

I-I'm breathing really fast!
Is that happening to you?

You said three and
we should be fine!

Why would you say
that thing to me?!

I don't know, that was days ago!

Or hours or minutes.
I don't know!

Do you want me to be dead?!

Time has no meaning anymore!

Oh, my god, now it's
happening to me.

I can't stop breathing!

We're dying. Is that normal?

We're dying! Is it normal

To not be able to
stop breathing?

We have to get to the
hospital. We have to go now!

Stebe, we don't have a car!

Get in, b*tch!

How do you even
know how to do that?

I have no idea! It's
like I'm watching

Someone else do it!

Hold on to your t*ts!

Good evening. Are you
aware that your trunk

Is on fire, sir?

Oh. Ha, that?
That's just dry ice.

Special effects for
my big show tonight.

I'm theo from taint.
Maybe you've heard of me?

No, I have not. Well, it's
pretty anti-authority,

So you probably
wouldn't like it.

I'd be bummed if
you were into it.

do you want
anyone to listen to your music?

Shut the up, flappy!

Well, just wanted to make
sure you guys are alright.

And you should get this fixed.

Whew. Thank god.

That was a lot easier
than I expected.

No witnesses.

nooooooooooooo!

Noooooo!

Noooooo!

Ow! What the hell was that?!

I shot you.

Stebe. I can't hold
on much longer.

We're almost at
the hospital, deb!

This is my last breath.

I can't believe this.

First theo takes my
car against my will,

And now he kills my wife
and I with his cbd treats?

Um, stebe? Who does
he think he is?

Thinks he's the coolest
guy in the family?

I can be cool, too, you know.

He'll be sorry. People
should be scared of me!

I swear to god! The
next time I see him

It's gonna be like, "pop!
Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!"

What has gotten into
you? You're scaring me!

Pop! Pop! Pop! Pop!
Stebe, stop saying pop!

Pop!

Well, sorry I made you
miss your show, youngster.

I feel terrible.

Miss my show?! You
ruined my life!

I wish I was at
penny lanes right now

So I could hang out with
bryce and trade stories

About what an as*h*le you are!

Oh, you know bryce?

Hey! You're using
things I told you

In a vulnerable
moment to hurt me?

You have any idea
how toxic that is?

You realize this was my
chance to get back on top?

To make a name for myself again.

You know how many nights
a week I dream about

Finally getting on "trl"?

Is that still on?

I don't know.

I stopped watching years
ago 'cause every day

It would break my heart
that I wasn't on there

Cracking jokes with
carson...

Doing an uncomfortable
joint interview

With eminem or mariah carey,

Coming in and hyping
up those adoring fans

Uncomfortably sitting
indian style on the floor!

I'm sorry your career dried
up, but I still had dreams!

And you k*lled them all!

fixer? You okay?

Help!

Back away!

Let's move!

We're getting you out of here,

And one day, you're
gonna be on mtv

Standing awkwardly with
carson daly.

Hey! Stop right there!

There's the car!

Aah!

Get in!

Oh, man, when
darby hears about this,

He's going to go buck!

Y'all should be ashamed
of your damn selves!

I was out here having
a nice quiet weekend

Catching up on my "comix
off the leash" episodes!

Then I get a call from
my cousin at the precinct

Telling me he's got
two white drug addicts

In the middle of an overdose
who won't stop saying my name!

What the hell are you
doing around

With cbd gummies anyways?!

We wanted to be buck wild.

By doing hard drugs?!

Oldest tale in the book!

That ain't you, stebe,
and that ain't you, deb!

This weekend, I've had to bail
you out with your overdose,

I've had to bail
theo out with...

Y-you know, whatever he's
gettin' into over there.

All because no one in this
family can just be comfortable

With who they are
or where they're at!

The faster y'all realize that,
the faster I can finally die!

Hey, darby,

Do you believe in
the multiverse?

And can you explain it to us?

Jesus christ! You're
still as high as

Some g*dd*mn kites!

I'm outta here!

Holy sh*t, quicksand's real?

Told you, uncle theo.

I guess I made another mistake.

Whew! I need a rest.

Hey, fixer? I uh...

I'm sorry about what
I said back there.

The truth is I know
exactly how you feel.

No one knows who I am anymore,
my fans are all old as sh*t.

I spend all my energy
running away from that.

But you know what?

Watching you strap up your
boots one more time to help me

Bury this talentless hack?

Well, it was real inspiring.

Well, hold your applause.

You still haven't
seen my closer.

What? Someone's gotta
drive that truck

Into the quicksand.
It ain't gonna be you.

And something tells me that
kid is too fat to drive.

What? No! Fixer, don't!

We can figure out another way!

There is no other way, theo.

You and me? We live
and die for our art.

There's one more piece of
evidence we gotta get rid of.

but
I-I don't wanna go.

Matt, that's enough, we gotta...

Wait! I just... I
wanted to tell you

I actually did like
your set last night.

What? Shut up!

I didn't even get
through the whole song.

But it had good bones!
You should keep at it.

I think pretty soon, you'll be
bigger than you've ever been.

wow,
thanks, flappy.

You really think
I'm good? Yeah!

For me to poop on!

Put the
doll in the truck.

Hey, theo.

You keep doing you.

They'll come around.

♪ for the longest time

♪ 'cause I don't
know what it means ♪

♪ to let go

Chirp.