02x01 - Fight for J. Davis High

[bunniefuu]

First off, I'd like to thank you all for
being part of today's focus group.

My name is Alfred Winstanley,
and in front of you

are serving bowls of our company's
latest concoction. Please, enjoy.

Salty.

Tastes like the body of Christ
at a local church.

Reminds me of the rations
we ate in the cut. Yeah.

That unmistakable rush of stabbing a man
in the throat with a bayonet.

What if I told you that
you were eating none other

than the new-and-improved saltines
from Royal Crackers, Incorporated?

Wait, is this
the Royal Crackers building?!

Is that why we were blindfolded
after being abducted?

Take us back to the
DMV this instant!

Weren't these single-handedly responsible
for a statewide polio outbreak?

Any man or child who falls to illness
is dead weight.

Kick 'em out of the foxhole and let
the a*tillery sort 'em out, I say.

I'll never give a dollar to your company

as long as Theodore Hornsby
remains at the helm.

He's a monster!
And quite the eyesore.

He's not more than a sad old man stuck
in the past. And a bigot!

What the hell?

Well, well, well, where do...
f*cking sh*t!

Where do I begin? Okay, you first!
I'm an eyesore?

Why, if I hadn't shattered
that two-way mirror,

I'd ask you to take a good look at
yourself and explain how that crucifix

hasn't burned through that Nosferatu-like
body of yours!

- Be gone, Satan.
- You there!

You think I'm stuck in the past, unhip?

I've rubbed elbows with the likes
of Buford Stanley and the Spinners,

Fred Gladys and the Brooklyn Berries,

Donald Grimley
and the Puerto Rican Seven!

And then you have the nerve
to call me a bigot?

I'm sorry, then why are there two
Donald Grimley

and the Puerto Rican Seven
albums in my record collection?

And you!

You're alright, actually. I like you.
No notes! And you.

If I had any idea what race you were, I'd
be having a field day right now. Good day!

{\an8}So, due to Theo's provocative bleat, every
network has stopped running our ads,

and supermarkets have pulled Royal
Crackers from their shelves.

{\an8}We're canceled.

{\an8}It's been a fun ride.
I don't know about you guys,

{\an8}but I'm going out
the old-fashioned way.

{\an8}- Don't gotta twist my arm!
- This is for Putin!

{\an8}Everyone cool it! Look at yourselves!

{\an8}Since when has a little bump in the road
ever stopped us

{\an8}from being the best snack-food
company in the world?

{\an8}We'll get through this.
And we'll get through it... together.

The years I've wasted
searching for such wisdom.

I bow to you, Steben.

But what about Putin?

Putin? I don't give a flyin' cuss
about Putin. Or tootin'!

Did I do that?

I love you, Stebe!

Dad? I had another bad dream.

Would it be okay if maybe
I slept in here tonight again?

Thanks, Dad.

Alright. Sleep time.
Going to sleep.

Three, two, one, sleep.

One ticket to sleep land, please.

Oh, okay, guys. So first thing on
the agenda... Theo's provocative bleat.

What?! I don't even have
a Bleater account, moron!

Yeah, there's nothing on your
agenda about that, Stebe.

In fact, It's just a drawing
of... Is this a dog?

Yeah. Been having recurring nightmares

about a humanoid dog monster for six weeks
now. Haven't slept a wink.

But creative juices are flowin',
and I got a big announcement.

Maybe you should get some rest, hon.
Go home and put on some...

Did someone say Putin?

Did I do that?

You need to see a doctor, my guy!

I have a big announcement!
From the sick mind of Stebe Hornsby,

everyone make some noise for the new
Royal Crackers mascot, Mr. Cracky!

- Oh, my God!
- f*ck that!

Stebe, is this the creature
from your nightmares?

Why would you pitch a mascot from your
nightmares?! Get away from me, you freak!

Therapist said I gotta harness
my fears through creativity.

Now I'm in the pilot seat.

I can't... breathe.

- Oh, my God!
- Are you okay!

Do you love it!

Lady and gentleman,
I'd like you all to meet Mr. Cracky,

a flamboyant cartoon dog
that will serve as the mascot

for Royal Crackers' newest frontier!

Who drew that?

He did! I told him,
it has too many colors!

No, it's wonderful!

Your childlike sensibility is exactly
what we need around here!

- What?!
- He's also much easier on the eyes.

So I know this board has voiced concern
about our plummeting sales

and their correlation with public
perception of me as CEO,

baseless accusations that I'm coldhearted,
vain, narcissistic!

Well, would a narcissist create this?

HornsbyLand, a seaside theme park

that will provide fun for adults
and younglings alike!

Visitors will be greeted by a beautiful


Oh, boy...

Enjoy a leisurely stroll through
Cartoon Avenue

in your very own Mr. Cracky mobile.

Oh, I like that!

Now slam it into Howard Hughes'
private airplane!

The Lindbergh Pursuit.

Can you out-pilot and expose him for
the over-celebrated fraud that he is?

Or the Amelia Earhart Skynanza,

where you'll crash into the ocean,
confirming everyone's well-placed biases!

Are you mad?!

Do you have some sort of resentment
against aviation?

Now, I know what you're thinking...

"How do we skirt the unrelenting cost
of beachfront property?"

This is Catalina Island, right off the
California coast and free for the taking.

And this is Hornsby Bridge, the longest
and most expensive bridge ever built!

Stop!

You want to turn Catalina Island
into a tourist destination?

It's completely infested with the most
ruthless savages known to man!

What? But... HornsbyLand!

Enough! You have done irreparable
damage to this company,

and we will not stand by
as you bankrupt it further

with your questionably
motivated decisions.

I hereby call for a vote
of no confidence!

All in favor of the immediate removal
of this man,

sit perfectly still and gawk
menacingly at him.

But I built this company from the ground
up, all by my lonesome!

It's everything to me!

Mr. Hornsby, you are officially
terminated as CEO of Royal Crackers.

Stebe? Stebe?
I'm still looking to get that payment.

Oh, God!

Stebe, I'm not trying to make trouble
here. You swore to pay the union minimum!

Go away! Get out of my dreams!

Look, I'm sorry the old guy had a heart
attack, but that wasn't my fault.

I'm coming in, okay?

No! I hate you! Okay, Stebe, you do this,
you escape this twisted nightmare

and wake up snuggling with your dad
in his bed.

Stebe?

Get in!

Theo, you need to wake me
up from this dream.

You're not dreaming, Stebe. And Mr.
Cracky didn't come from your imagination.

Oh, yeah? Where'd he come
from, then? My butthole?

Not exactly. Look in the glove box.

- My d*ck?
- What? No! The plushy!

Listen, Alfred, I'm sure you think that
my stepping down as CEO is all your fault.

Well, rest your concerns. After today,
we'll be well on our way to becoming

America's newest theme park tycoons.
Catalina Island is as good as ours!

I'm starting to have... second thoughts
about our trip, sir.

Perhaps we can ask
our pilot to take us home?

Pilot? Oh, right. I forgot he was up
there. God, look at that piece of sh*t.

I mean, what a waste of space. You know
his vote counts just as much as ours does,

you realize that, don't you?
Makes me sick.

- Why do you have such animosity toward...
- Alfred, look! There she is!

We should approach with caution, sir.

The locals are rumored
to be quite volatile.

What are they gonna do? Fling sand
at us from their swimming bottoms?

What the piss?

Fifty bucks, Stebe!

Mr. Hornsby! Put on a life preserver!

Don't be a coward, Alfred! By my count,
we still have one working engine.

Take the wheel!

Jesus Christ! Who trained these
barbarians? Lee Harvey Oswald?!

What are you doing?!

You wanna get out and face that genocide
of a costume you created?

- Fair point. Reload!
- Stebe, look out!

Armadillo!

Hang on, sir!

I can't hold on any longer!

I don't understand.

Does this mean Mr. Cracky is
a pre-existing intellectual property?

I found that freak in a Chucklebee's
claw machine a few years back.

I shattered the glass and snatched it
and ran out of there,

but I passed out from blood
loss before I could get to the exit.

Woke up a few hours later,
and the staff was like,

"Here, take it! Get out of our
restaurant!" Dumbasses!

You mean you were having
these nightmares, too?

I thought I shook 'em for good,

but your little presentation
just reopened Pandora's box.

HornsbyLand.
What's a HornsbyLand?

I think today's the day we find
out, Stebe.

I did some digging on AltaVista this
morning and was able to find an address.

It's right on the other side
of this bridge.

Rest easy, soldier.
You died a hero's death.

I'll start making preparations
for your burial at sea.

He does have a lot of meat on him, though.

Mr. Hornsby! Where's our pilot?

Trust me, you won't be seeing him again,
not until he's on the "d*ck Corbett Show"

promoting his exploitive
tell-all recounting his brush

with death over Catalina.

Mr. Hornsby! Our seaplane!
Perhaps the radio is still functional.

We can transmit an SOS to the coast guard
so they can organize a search party.

This may be our only chance, Mr. Hornsby.
We should tread lightly.

The island could be riddled
with booby traps.

Mr. Hornsby?

Seaplane!

Well, Alfred, I'm afraid the naysayers may
have been right... Catalina Island sucks.

Hey! Learn to control your children,
you g*dd*mn animals!

That's right!
Run, you little scamps!

Mr. Hornsby, our pilot!

Oh, please! Please don't k*ll me! When I
get home, I'll score a multi-book deal!

I'll cut you in!

Tell-alls about aviation disasters are
the most lucrative cash-grab imaginable!

No, no, no!
What are you doing?

Now's our chance.
Stand back, Mr. Hornsby!

Alfred, where are you going?
The seaplane is that way!

I'm going to rescue our pilot.
We don't leave a soldier behind.

Is that right? Personally,
I prefer soldiers who don't get caught.

Oh, what?
Is that a crazy thing to say?

Oh, no, no, no, no!

Oh, please, oh, please, oh, no, oh, no.

Holy f*cking sh*t!
A chupacabra!

God in heaven!

Alfred, I think I'm ready to tell you why
I have so much... hatred for pilots.

A few years ago,

I boarded a commercial airline flight
coming home from Sacramento.

Everything was going smoothly till this
flight captain's voice pierced

through the intercom
with a disturbing announcement.

He said that the plane would be taking off
shortly and he would be getting us

to Bakersfield Airport safely
within the hour.

He would be getting me home safely.

He flaunted his control over my mortality
like some sort of god amongst men.

Is that the end of the story, sir?

Wow, I've never opened up like that.

Feel like a weight has been lifted
off my shoulders.

Please, take this tale
to the grave with you.

Yes, I won't be telling
a soul that story, sir.

What the f*ck was that?!

By heavens!

Do you think...

Do I think that we just stumbled upon the
egg of a chupacabra?! Hand me your coat!

We just found my star attraction,
you idiot! A live chupacabra!

No! No, no, no, Mr. Hornsby,
this is too much.

Let's just get out
of the cave at once.

Hey, Alfred, ol' buddy.
Do you perhaps care to explain this?

Mr. Hornsby, please! I'm not even
sure I want the CEO position!

I opened up to you, told you that plane
story! I never told anyone that before!

Well, you shouldn't have!
It's barely even a story!

How could you do this to me?

Mr. Hornsby, give me the egg.

Why, so you can take it back to your
little fan club on the board

and steal more of my achievements?!

Stand back, chupacabra!
I wish this youngling no harm!

But I will drop this
if you come any further.

So long, f*ck!

Oh, this m*therf*cker doesn't give up!

- Al?!
- Theo! Steben!

Go no further!
I beg of you!

- How did you find us?
- Please, leave this cesspit at once!

Cesspit? Dude, this seems like it
would be a dope vacation spot!

Catalina Island is a doomed lump of sh*t
in a toilet of ocean water!

Years ago, your father and I ignored
the warnings that,

if we came here,
we'd never return home.

And I, fear the young idealist I was,
never truly did.

Theodore, place the egg down now,
and it might leave us alone!

Go suck a d*ck, Judas! Sorry, but there's
only room for one on this seaplane!

Oh really!? Are you well-versed
in operating a flight radio, sir?

Johnny's bananas!
The radio is completely destroyed!

Theodore! Help! Help me, please!

Please, Theodore, try to start the plane!
It's our only hope!

You want me to become a pilot?

Yes! I get it now!
So much power!

Get me home safely, will you?

My whole life I've tried to protect
the world from your father.

Don't let me fail once again. I even spent
my own money on child psychologists,

who worked tirelessly to ensure you'd
never remember this godforsaken place.

By venturing further,
you would be undoing all of that.

Sorry, Al, but our father was a great man.
And these nightmares stop tonight.

What a rush!
Those Wright Brothers are the GOATs!

Mr. Hornsby?

And with my tell-all sitting comfortably
at number one on the best-sellers list,

Royal Crackers sales numbers are
officially back on the rise!

Thank you.
Thank you, everybody.

Although, I am technically a god now,
so I guess I shouldn't expect any less!

I can't believe we doubted you,
Theodore.

Catalina Island is officially property
of Royal Crackers Incorporated,

and HornsbyLand construction
is moving along swiftly.

And completely free of cost. Mr. Hornsby,
this board owes you quite the apology.

This board has nothing to apologize for.
I can be a bit of a handful!

Wonderful to have you back, Theodore.

That Hornsby sure knows how
to spin a turd into gold.

What the...
Where is this taking us?

- Oh, what's happening?
- Preposterous.

Oh, my God!

Why, there's those two little
f*cking assholes!

Don't touch me!
This is a place of business!

Look what Daddy made
all by his lonesome, boys!

Holy sh*t! Jesus Christ!

f*ck! f*cking sh*t!

No, no, no! No witnesses!

Alfred...

I hope my squashing of your little coup
attempt doesn't make you feel small...

...and powerless.
Water under the bridge, huh?

Well, look at that!

What timing!
Better take it now.

Damn lift moves like a sloth on a tree.
Go on. Take it. I insist. Take it.

Goodbye, Alfred. Bye-bye, now.
Have a great weekend! Goodbye, Alfred!

Bye-bye, now!