02x03 - MyCycle

[bunniefuu]

And finally, I'd like to dedicate

The Hottest Woman Ever award
to my fellow nominees.

Nikki, Emily? It's been an honor
to be nominated alongside you.

Move it, Deb, I gotta take a fat piss!

Jesus! What is wrong with you!?

Now that I got the zPad,
I pee sitting down.

What are you wearing, dude?

If you're gonna walk around in pajamas,
put on a Snuggie. You look gross!

Oh, really? You might want to keep your
headphones on tonight

if you don't wanna be kept awake

by the rhythmic banging of Stebe
and I's headboard.

No can do. This baby came
with a free trial of zMusic.

I'm taking my dad through
the entire TainT discography tonight.

Got a long night ahead of us.

Showtime. Hope Stebe's ready to lambaste
me with some disgusting dirty talk.

Oh, hey, Deb. I'm watching a news piece
about schools censoring

"Huck Finn"'s aggressive
use of the *-word.

Oh, hey.
Ya like what you see?

It's a hot-button issue, but Twain did say
it was meant to challenge the reader.

The lingerie, Stebe!

You know, actually, I'm not...
I'm not sure I'm up for that, Deb.

Are you sure?

Yeah. I'm just a little... tired.
Yeah, that's it. Tired.

Will I ever be normal again?

Look at this fat tub of sh*t.

Hey, it's okay! I can say it,
'cause that tub of sh*t is me.

Hi! I'm Keith, founder of MyCycle, a new,
fun, virtual, meditative exercise

that connects you with other riders
supporting each other

in obtaining that perfect body
and achieving maximum zen.

So join me and my hand picked group
of elite riders as we personally lead you

towards a spiritual awakening.
See you there, Deb.

{\an8}So we're 3 albums deep and can't miss.

{\an8}Now Bakersfield's golden boys were gonna
send shockwaves through the industry

{\an8}with "A TainT NuMetal cl*t-mas"!

{\an8}Eighteen original tracks
for the holiday season.

{\an8}Track one?
"All I Want For Christmas is NU"!

What?

Stop playing me this f*cking sh*t!

Does this mean my super-old
dad doesn't like NuMetal?

Guess who's home early!

Deb? Deb? What's going on in there?

Deshaun!

Deb! Why didn't you tell me we were
having Deshaun over, dude?

Deb called me about that leak downstairs.

Your culprit's right here
behind this drywall.

Stebe, you can't let these
things go, man. You could get mold.

Alright, guys, you're doing great!

Hey! Deb! Who's that clown on
the bicycle screen in our bedroom?!

Stebe, relax. It's Keith,
my MyCycle trainer.

Alright, everybody,
focus on my rock-hard glutes.

Follow their rhythm.

What is this filth? And what the hell do
you need an exercise bike for?

Maybe to give my body more attention
than you ever do.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- You want me to step out?

- No!
- You need to hear this, Deshaun.

Stebe, some of us aren't blessed with
the ability to sneak into the kitchen,

scarf down pizza pockets at 2:00 a.m.,
and wake up with the same sexy dad bod.

- I have to work for my dad bod.
- What?

You're gonna tell me you haven't been
late night snacking?

You promised you'd quit
with me!

You're losing your mind, Deb!
I'm worried about you, seriously!

I'm seriously worried about you.
I'm not listening to this crap!

Oh, that sounds like quite
the Adam Sandler film, Tomothy.

I am a Adam Sandler fiend.

Do you wanna watch me take a shower?

After a laugh like that,
I could use a rinse.

So what do you think
of our facilities, Tomothy?

Your technology is like nothing
I've ever seen.

And it's all fueled by our very own
patented zEnergy...

a reliable, self-sustaining fuel source

generated and harnessed entirely
under this roof.

Is there a problem, Tomothy?

- No?
- Then welcome to the Zeebos family!

Really?
Thank you, Mr. Zeebos.

Tomothy,
you are now one of my children.

Actually, I prefer Tom.

This was going beautifully!

I took a shower in front of you!

Put my genitals in your face!
And you said nothing!

But you couldn't just accept the name
I generously bestowed upon you?

I'm sorry! Tomothy is fine.

If I plan on making zEnergy the preferred
fuel source across the globe,

then I need an unpaid
intern with blind loyalty.

Not an insubordinate who refuses
to go by Tomothy!

I need this zPad fixed stat!

Sir, this is our main office.
If you broke your zPad,

I can provide directions to our nearest
customer-friendly zStore...

I'm no customer, lady. I account for
upwards of 500 plays on your music app.

I'm basically a shareholder. I'll take
a sh*t in the Koi pond if I want to!

Oh, you're kicking me out now?
I didn't even do nothing!

I'm not having a meltdown!
I'm a master of burying my emotions.

It's why my dad loves me.
And my art.

Understood.
Father wishes to see him.

You work for your dad?
Shaking my damn head!

Alright! Almost there!

- We're close!
- Yes!

It's happening!

That's it!

Great ride, everybody!
Same time tomorrow, alright?

Hey, Deb? Hey, do you mind taking
a private ride with me?

Actually, Keith, I'm a bit... tired.

Yeah. I overstepped. I'm sorry.
I'll see you tomorrow, huh?

No, no! I guess I could handle
one more ride.

So I have a confession to make. My eyes
were locked on your feed all session.

For training purposes!

This weekend I'm hosting our Elite
Retreat, exclusively for elite riders.

We do it every year at my humble abode
just outside Bakersfield.

You should join us!

I'd really love for you to come.
To the retreat!

- Mom?
- What?! I didn't do nothing!

What?!

Hey! Where am I, as*h*le?

Why, you're in the future!

Pure, clean, zEnergy!

I am George Zeebos.

But in this building,
I'm known simply as "Father."

Hello, Theon Hornsby.

The name's Theo, dickhead!

How about a test of strength? Can you
pick up the two cans in front of you?

You wanna see strength?

Check out some footage of me
in the pit at Woodstock '94!

I can't let go!

- State your name.
- Theo!

- Say it again.
- Theo.

- Once more.
- Theo.

- Are you happy?
- Yeah.

- Are you happy?
- Yes?

- Are you happy?
- I said yes!

Are you lonely?

You're projecting, dude.
You're totally projecting.

- Are you mad your father broke your zPad?
- What?

Are you mad your father
hates your music?

- What are you talking about, dude?
- Do you want a father who values you?

- You're crazy, man.
- Do you want a father who values you?

More than anything!

Would you like to be my new unpaid
intern, Theon Hornsby?

Yes... Father.

Deb! Deb, where are you going?

Oh, I'm going on a weekend
retreat for MyCycle.

Guess I'm an elite rider now.
Not bad, huh?

- But who's gonna order dinner?
- Yeah, we need to eat, Deb.

Order your own god damn dinner!
Love ya!

Don't f*ck Keith!

- You like your salad?
- Yeah. It's good.

- Where's Uncle Theo?
- Alright, that's enough small talk, okay?

If we're gonna get through this weekend,
I need some peace and quiet during dinner.

Can you just give me that... Hey! Deshaun!
Chef BoyarDeshaun in the house!

D's Signature Spicy Lasagna,
fresh out of the oven.

Be careful, now.
That baby's got some kick.

"Got some kick"!
What is that? Is that a rap phrase?

Nope it's a very common expression.

"Some kick!"
Definitely holding on to that one.

But, Stebe, just want you to know...
if you need to talk about Deb, I'm here.

I've been trying to find a reason
she'd just walk out like that.

And there are many. But they all point
to this being my fault,

when my gut is telling me
it's gotta be Matt's fault.

Stebe, Einstein said, "Insanity is doing
the same thing over and over

and expecting different results."

We fall in love, get married, and end up
making the same stupid mistakes,

but for some unfathomable reason,
our soulmates stick by our side.

Then one day, you look at their body and
you realize you've seen it in the bedroom,

in the kitchen, in the shower,
on the toilet,

and that you have done everything
imaginable to it.

- You guys want me to leave?
- No! Matt, this is important.

And we're just insane enough to question
why the spark isn't what it used to be.

Lava cakes'll be up soon.
Leave some room for dessert, fellas.

You think mom's having sex right now?

Well, hello there. You must be
here for the Elite Retreat.

Yes! Actually, Keith personally
invited me.

- I think we can squeeze you in.
-"Squeeze" me in?

And these are the living quarters.
But before we press on,

I'd like to show you something, just
inside this ominously dark chamber.

Come, Theon.
Peer down my telescope.

- Holy sh*t fart! Is this my room?!
- No, Theon. It is mine.

You're a TainT fan?

How could one deny
the raw talent exhibited

on the revolutionary self-titled debut?

Outshined only by the polished sound
of sophomore release, "DickFist"?

And on and on, each album better
than the one before it.

You are the father I never had.

You're doing great, guys.
Ashley, you are blowing my mind today!

After the session, maybe I can do
another Jell-O shot off your abs, Keith.

You're crazy, Ash! Wait a tick!

Now Deb's bringing the heat!
Deb, you are crushing it!

Thank you, Keith.

Deb, you are crushing it!

Thank...

Oh, my God! Your eyeball!

Amen, Deb! She's got the right
idea. Hey, let's push it!

The pedals! They're going too fast!

I can't get out!

Hey, what's going on, guys?
I'm noticing some dips in energy!

- What?!
- You love to see it!

- Oh, God! Oh, God! I'm gonna...
- Take a look at my elite riders over here!

Hey, slow down, guys!
You're gonna put me out of a job!

Alright, everybody, focus
on my rock-hard glutes.

We need to motivate each other.
You can do it, Ashley!

Oh, my God!

Help!

Great ride, everybody!

- Keith?!
- In the flesh.

Keith, please!
What's happening?

Get back here! She's property
of Father now!

What in Jiminy Cricket
is going on out there?

Got a problem. Someone's stolen
the zEnergy conduit.

A MyCycle studio overloaded before
we could shut down power.

It's only a matter of time before
the whole system flatlines.

Come, Theon.
Time for a game of catch.

- We have to jump!
- What's down there?

Trust me.

Hey, Stebe.

Deshaun! How'd you get in here?
Didn't you go home like six hours ago?

The f*ck are you eating at 2:00
in the god damn morning?

Nothing! I just came down
to watch Jimmy Fallon.

Is that a f*ck' pizza pocket?

It must be Matt's! You should be
throwing a bread box at him!

Deshaun, you're just creating
more work for yourself!

The only thing that needs fixing 'round
here is you, m*therf*cker.

You looked Deb in the eyes and promised
her that you would quit this crap.

I did quit!

Bullshit! You don't deserve
that beautiful woman.

You think I don't know that?!

She anticipates everything I want
before I even know I want it.

And she asks me for one thing...

to join her in quitting our late-night
snack sessions.

Yet here I am, still stuffing my face
with pizza pockets every night.

And now my web of lies has her thinking
that I'm not into her hot body anymore,

when I'm really just afraid
to tell her the truth.

Part of me even wonders if I pushed her
away because deep down I want her to find

the accountability partner that
she deserves.

I'm gonna wrap this up now
because the adrenaline is wearing off

and I feel an avalanche of emotions
I did not anticipate!

You know what kinda m*therf*ckers
cry, Stebe?

No.

Real-a*s m*therf*ckers. That's who.
And you just became an honorary member.

Hey, you're safe now.

You're bleeding.
Here, let me help.

- What is this place?
- My humble abode.

I started MyCycle to help people get
the hot bods they only dreamed of.

Till Zeebos bought the company with one
goal in mind... to use my riders,

turning them into human
power generators.

Here.
This is the conduit.

It's what keeps this whole place running.
You have to destroy it.

It's the key component
to successfully run zEnergy.

zEnergy!

Oh, crap.

Looks like this is the end
of the line for me.

No! Don't talk like that.

And I just want you to know... watching
you ride that out-of-control bike...

it really got me going.

Keith!

It's true. You're the greatest student
I've ever had.

I'll never forget you... Ashley.

What'd you just call me?

Ashley. That's your name, right?
I overheard it during class.

How do you know about Ashley?

Were you watching as we were all being
ground into sausage?

Sorry! Did I not just mention how watching
you cycle gave me a b*ner?

Did I not just mention that?
What is wrong with you?

Oh, my God. What is wrong with me?
What am I doing! You don't even know me.

Theo? What are you doing here?

Getting my zPad fixed.
What are you doing here!?

- You know this vermin, Theon?
- Yeah, this guy lives in my house.

Then you shall do the honors.

Deb, give him the conduit!
You're being a d*ck right now!

Me!? He's using sl*ves
to power zEnergy!

- zEnerg...
- Shut the f*ck up!

Do it, Theon. You could be the unpaid
intern I've been searching for.

That is, unless she hands me
that conduit this instant.

Yes, Father.

What is wrong with you?!
Let's just go home!

That's my ex-father's home!
I have a new father now.

Get her, my child!

Get off me!
You effing wish, bro! What the...

Zeebos lied to me. This means...
he also doesn't like NuMetal?

Theo. We live our whole lives
searching for validation,

especially from those we love the most.
We're not wrong for that.

But maybe if we took a second to look
inside ourselves,

we wouldn't end up
looking in stupid places.

And who knows? Maybe we'd even end up with
different results. Deshaun told me that.

A handyman for the soul, that guy.

Oh, sh*t! The conduit!

No!

Hey, Keith!

- Thanks.
- Hey, swing by my place any time.

- You can do Jell-O shots off my abs.
- No, thanks.

Theo, listen.
I have to be honest.

The self-titled debut
doesn't do much for me.

But "DickFist" does have
some absolute bangers.

Deb! I want you to know that I'm sorry.
You were right.

I have been sneaking downstairs

and eating myself into a state
of unconsciousness every night.

And one particular night,

I took a bite of a freshly microwaved
pizza pocket and this happened.

The filling scalded my p*nis,
rendering it utterly useless.

Who is that guy?

That's the love of my life.