02x04 - Bro Down

[bunniefuu]

Welcome to Intimate Inmate,
matching you sexy soon-to-be parolees

with the most desperate,
impressionable bachelors in town.

Hi. I'm Jim. I'm in the market for someone
to have intercourse with.

I don't ever have intercourse because most
women are repulsed by the fact that I...

Doris!

What'd I tell you about watching dating
profiles on my TV/VCR combo unit?!

Oh. Sorry, Serenity.

I'm getting out next week, so decided
to start weighing my options.

Hi. I'm Bob. I'm looking for a chick that
I can have financial superiority over.

Are you listening!? Turn this off
and put something on I enjoy!

Hi! I'm Darby. I'm a former criminal
lawyer. And I love a good scallop.

Due to a dark cloud of existential
loneliness that worsens

with every birthday, I've decided
to give this dating thing a shot.

You've pushed me too far,
you selfish jerk!

So, what do ya say?

Are you the tide to push my lifeboat
off this endless ocean of sadness?

{\an8}Why so serious?!

{\an8}What the hell, dude?!
Did you break into my car?!

{\an8}No! I lifted a key out of your house last
night and made a copy

{\an8}while you were sleeping.
Don't be so paranoid!

{\an8}Why would you do that?!

{\an8}'Cause last week we missed Boy Time

{\an8}trying to rendezvous in this labyrinth
of a parking lot.

Now I can duck out early and wait in your
car with the windows rolled up and no A/C!

You know, like dogs do.

Actually, Theo, I think I'm gonna have
to miss Boy Time again this week.

Yeah, yeah, totally.
I totally understand.

Really?! Oh, thank God!
I was so scared to tell you!

I know how much Boy Time
means to... to us.

Come on, dude. What do I look like?
Some needy girlfriend?

No. No, you do not.

"But, Darby, I haven't seen you all day!
What about our romantic evening together?"

Hey, I need my space, lady!

"But, Darby, we were supposed to fart in
jars and make each other smell them

before we make love and watch
'Toy Story 3,' remember?"

That's a weird take on
what couples do together.

No, but what's the special occasion
that you can't make it to Boy Time, bro?

- I'm going on a date!
- You son of a b*tch!

What's gotten into you, fool?!

Me?! You're the one breaking Boy Time
code! No romantic relationships! Ever!

You have a family to go home to every
night. Me, I got no one, man.

Cool. Do you know where the nearest
grocery store with automatic doors is?

'Cause if they don't open due to the
motion sensors not picking me up,

it'll just confirm that
I'm f*cking invisible!

Come on! Theo!
Don't be like that!

Bye! Bye, dude. See ya later. Goodbye.
Goodbye. Bye, dude. See ya.

Bye-Bye. Bye. Bye, dude. Bye,
Darb. Goodbye. Peace out.

Okay! Well, I'll be out on a date
with the future Mrs. Blarchardt, so...

Hey!

Hey! The day we matched, I got
so excited I bought these for you!

Are these your favorite color?
Yellow?

Tell me everything there
is to know about you!

Do you... remember me?

You mean the lady from the most riveting
Intimate Inmate profile

I ever laid eyes on?
Doesn't ring a bell. Anyways...

Can't believe you were horny
enough to show your...

...surprisingly still chiseled
face around here.

Horny doesn't even begin to describe
how wet I am for tonight.

Come on! I'll take
you to our house. Hop in.

Hey, maybe we can re-paint it together.

Look at us.
Already planning couple activities.

Ya see, the trap is forgetting
our disease can do gymnastics

around our old
broken-down asses.

Convince us that we got the upper hand
and then k*ll us

the second we turn our backs.

Well, guess what.
Today I wanna be alive!

- Speak it.
- One day at a time.

Great share, Brad. Theo,
ain't heard from you in a while.

Anything new going on
in TheoTown?

Where do I begin?
I got this so-called "pal"

who's decided he wants to betray our code
of honor and get a "girlfriend" now.

And I'm not gonna lie... it hurts.
And I'm gettin' the itch again.

I mean, on my way here,
I was just fantasizing

about that studded belt
sitting in my dresser,

that beautiful sturdy knob
on my bedroom door.

Tossing all caution aside and going
Valhalla on my rock-hard wiener

as I forget all the ills of existing.

- But we shouldn't. We could die.
- There you go. You said it.

- Not jacking tonight.
- Amen. Not my d*ck.

- Stay strong.
- Not tonight.

Every night counts.

Okay! You ready?
Got you your own La-Z-Boy.

Now we can watch my shows
as a couple! Do you love it?

What's that room?

That's my studio.

I actually got some... work I need
to finish up in there tonight.

Hope you don't mind.

Because you absolutely cannot
enter when that red light is on!

Under no circumstances. Understand?
You think you can handle dinner tonight?

Got your boning knives, your steak knives,
electric carver.

But if you're still having trouble slicing
this baby up, use this cleaver.

This baby'll cut through anything.
Now get to butcherin'.

And don't worry.

I got the e studio sound-proofed
so you'll get no distractions from me.

I could let out a blood-curdling scream
in there, you wouldn't hear a peep.

No one would. Love you!

Listen to me.
We're moving so fast!

And that's why they don't let
me in Banjo Billy's anymore.

That's a banger
of a story, Cody!

Number 49, table's ready, fellas.

Should we make it a table for four?

See ya, guys.
Those guys were awesome.

- Darby leave you hangin' again, T?
- Leave me hangin'?

Guy was like, "Theo, don't go to Kenny's
Lobster Shack without me.

That's our special thing.

"Yeah, okay, Darb.
Cut to... me sitting here.

How's that crab rangoon?

- Good?
- Yeah, it's alr...

Yeah, I haven't tried it yet. Supposed to
be pretty good, though. From what I hear.

Thinking about giving it a spin.
We'll see.

- What do you give it?
- What?

What do you give it? Six? Seven?

On the scale. The Richter scale.
Rangoon scale!

- I dunno. Good.
-"Good"? That's it?

Dude, do yourself a favor and hit up
Johnny's Seafood Barn over on Truxtun.

They've got a rangoon
that's in the twelves.

You'll f*ck' jizz
your underwear!

Look, sir, my wife and I are just trying
to have a date night, okay?

Can you just leave us alone, please?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, no problem. What am I...
some needy guy at the bar?

Don't answer that! I'm just f*cking
with you, dude. Relax.

What exit you guys take to get here?

Okay, Hector, give me an update.
Where we at turning that 6 into a 14?

Do I add 7?

Add 7? I'm-a put you on hold.
Gotta run the math on that.

Hey. Remind me
who's on this line again.

It's Ellie!

Ellie, my dear. So, according to the text,
oxygen gas has no color.

But can you tell me what color
the liquid and solid forms are?

Green?
Close.

Think on that while I get back to Hector.
Ellie, I just hung up on you.

- Call back on my cell! Number's 805...
- I add five?

No, not you, Hector! You figure out how
to change that 8 to a 5 yet?

Five?

Hey! Get out! Get out of here!
Get the hell out of here!

Who is this guy now?!

He runs a public-access show to help kids
with homework?! He's a good man!

I could never forget
a date this important.

Focus, Doris! He ruined your life and
doesn't even remember you! He must die!

- What in the cuss was that?!
- Oh, boy!

- How much did you hear?
- I'm not talking about your farts!

I'm talking about you interrupting a live
taping of "Homework Hotline."

The future of our nation depends on those
kids and their education!

And helping them requires
my full attention.

You could have just told me what
you were doing in there.

Sorry I don't flaunt my kindness for clout
like one of these webpage celebrities.

Oh, my. Here we are. Our first fight.
I'm sorry. It's been a long night.

How 'bout we start over?

Listen. I know a little spot
with all-you-can-eat scallops.

- I love scallops.
- I know.

You vaguely alluded to it in your profile.
It's what made me wet.

Vodka tonic, please.

- Hey! Check it out!
- Yeah. Same shirt.

No, you dipshit. I'm him!

I'm sorry. I don't follow.
I got this at a yard sale.

Name... three songs. Now!

Look. It's not like I believe in some
"force of creation"

that's "beyond our understanding."

It's deeper than that. It's like a man.

A super-white, Caucasian man, with a
beard, who lives in the sky judging us...

Sorry. I'm rambling.
Me and my big-a*s brain.

That's beautiful.
I just hope he's okay with m*rder.

And for what it's worth, your ex-husband
sounds like a real "shellfish" jerk.

Darby!

You know, I was a real arrogant prick
my whole life,

and I'll spend every moment
I have left trying to make up for it,

so take it from me...
I can fix you.

I said take off your shirt!

- Hey, Theo! That's enough!
- I don't mean it in a sleazy way, moron!

She doesn't know one song. She's a poser.
We got a poser here, everyone!

- You need to leave, dawg.
- I'm leaving!

So this is the hussy
you're parading around town now!

- Hey! Don't talk to her like that!
- Darby, who is this?

It's no one. Just a bro from work.

Ex-bro, bro! Word of advice, lady, don't
be fooled by this as*h*le's cunning way

with words and fresh take
on God and spirituality,

his false promises to fix you, to help
you, then he leaves you high and dry!

I'm a jack-hang addict, okay?
And he was my sponsor.

He bailed on me tonight
when I needed him the most!

You're done.

He's the biggest poser in here!
You hear me?! A shellfish jerk!

He'll always be a shellfish jerk!

- Stebe?
- Oh, hey, Theo.

Sorry.
Was I being too loud again?

No. I kinda... need someone to bro
out with tonight,

and I was wondering if maybe you wanted
to, I dunno, hang out with me?

Yeah.

I got a few things going on tonight,
but I can probably move some stuff around.

But, yeah, yeah.
I think I can make it work.

Hey, you're in need of a bro, and I happen
to know a brother

who'd be happy to oblige.

Okay. Cool.

It's happening. Today the tides turn
in your favor, Stebe. Don't blow it.

He's the lucky one. Remember that.
He is.

Not you. Everyone wants
to hang out with you.

They're just too big of pussies to ask.
You hear me? You're the big dog now!

It's time to show them what they've been
missing out on all these years.

Okay. You ready?

I've planned the perfect day for us.

We're gonna go see the giant scallop
of Oxnard, a full day's drive away.

All we gotta do is drive through the long
Omarosa Forest Highway.

It's a massive dead zone

with no cell service or a living
soul for a hundred miles.

We'll be completely alone and vulnerable
out there! But don't you worry,

I'll let you take that cleaver you love so
much if you need protection.

So, what do ya say?

- Perfect.
- Yeah!

Sorry to keep you waitin'.
Wasn't any Croix left in the fridge,

so had to hit up my secret stash out
in the garage.

But let's keep that between
you and me, huh?

There ya go.

Look at us. A couple of Croix Bois.

The heck? This thing broken?
You take a sip of that...

I think it's fine. You take a sip of that
Croix yet? You're in for a treat.

The bubbles tickle my mustache.

Taste that?
That's Peach-Pear, baby.

That's right. Didn't think I'd remember
your flavor, did you?

Well, I'm not surprised. Turns out a lot
of people underestimate your big bro.

No, wait. Peach-Pear is
Mel Dennison's flavor, isn't it?

Hold on. Don't tell me.

You're a Tangerine guy, aren't ya?

I can't do tangy personally.
I go more subtle.

In fact, I know it's controversial, but...

I actually like the coconut one.

- What exit you take to get here?
- Oh, my God! What the f*ck is this?!

The government should station
you at Guantanamo

'cause this is the worst t*rture session
I've ever had to endure!

God damn, you're a f*ck' snooze,
Stebe! f*cking loser!

And, by the way, it's Pamplemousse!
My favorite flavor is Pamplemousse!

I had fun.

God! What a loser! Is that what his
inner monologue sounds like?

How does he live with himself?! Jesus!
So sad, dude!

How did my life get so bad that I'm
sitting here forced

to listen to La Croix small talk?
What a fall from grace.

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!

I'm kidding.
I know we still got a ways to go.

I was just referencing
how annoying kids are in the movies.

Why did you insist on wearing
that blindfold?

You think you're the only one
who likes surprises?

I can't wait tosee this scallop.
Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Oh, crap! Shut up!
Shut up for a second!

Homework Hot... Darby's personal line.
How can I help you?

Darb, I have some bad news.
Are you standing up?

No. I'm sitting.

Okay. Good. It's about Theo.
He jack-hanged last night.

- What?!
- It's alright.

He's okay. But the doctor
said if he'd been strapped

to that doorknob any longer, he'd be dead.
We're lucky Matt found him in time.

It's all my fault. I got him Croix'd up,
and things got out of hand.

When am I gonna learn that some people
can't Croix as hard as I can?

Yeah.

- Wait. You're a fellow Croix Boi, huh?
- Yeah.

My guy, you gotta swing
by the house some time and...

Oh, thank God.
Doris, we have to turn around!

Sorry, Darby,
but this is a one-way trip.

You don't understand! It's Theo! He
jack-hanged and ended up in the hospital!

And what about our special
day you promised?

Look. I was planning to propose
to you, okay? Here's the ring.

Who the f*ck have you become?!

You were my lawyer and you left me
on the stand years ago,

which defaulted to my immediate conviction
and incarceration as per the law!

I'm here because I want to k*ll you!

Well, I don't care if
you want to k*ll me.

Spending time with you is the happiest
I've ever been in my whole life.

That's why I wanted to take you
to the Oxnard scallop.

Because it's the perfect place to begin
a lifelong commitment.

Theo and I can catch up later.
Let's just go check out this big scallop.

You've got a bro in the hospital
who needs you. Go. Be with him.

Because even as I look into those big sexy
eyes of yours,

I can't help but know that one day your
slightest misstep

will reignite my own stupid resentment

for you and the rest of this endless
ocean of sadness...

...and I will k*ll you.

Go!

Are you kidding?!
It looks terrifying out there!

Run.

This is the saddest day of my life.

Bye! See ya! See ya later!

Bye! Bye, now!

Take care!
See ya on the flip side!

Bye! Bye-bye! Goodbye! Bye!
Goodbye!

Bye!

And... act.

Hi. I'm Theo. I haven't dated
in a while due to a life

plagued by heartache and rejection.

You'd think you'd build up a tolerance
to those things, but you don't.

And you know what I've come
to realize,

thanks to my jack-hang sponsor
and best bro? It's okay to feel sad.

It doesn't need to be fixed because now
you get to experience life

through the prism
of someone who feels sad.

I'm more convinced than ever
that this search for love

is worth every second of pain that comes
with it. So, what do ya say?

Are you the tide to push my lifeboat off
this endless ocean of sadness?