01x02 - Welcome to the Band Office

[bunniefuu]

Yo, I gotta

hit up the bargain store

and then I gotta

meet with a customer.

I need to get

a suitcase for Toronto,

and a little shampoo bottle--

Why you wasting your money

on a suitcase?

I was just gonna

use garbage bags.

Ever slack.

- Garbage bags are luggage.

- Thank you!

Wait, customer for what?

You don't gotta

know all my business.

Anyway, meet me

at the front doors by close

or else you can take the bus.

HARLEY: Ugh!

Not the Ellis bus!

It's the Smell-Us bus!

Hate the bus!

♪

Yeah, so, did I tell you

Jay let me drive his car?

Yeah.

Dating a real man

is where it's at.

You know, none of this

taking me out to 7-11,

making me wolf down a hot dog

before the cashier sees

bullshit.

At what age does a man

become a man, anyway?

Kinda hard to tell, you know,

since they don't get their moon.

Yeah

I mean, with Jay,

it's just different, you know?

He just

is a man.

He's 21.

He works that sick-a*s PI job.

I will say, we do have to

hang out at really weird times,

'cause he works

crazy hours, but

Ooh, I just really

wanna see him again!

I've never seen your gitch

this twisted over a dude before.

So page him.

Now's as random a time as any.

You beautiful 'Nish.

You're right!

I'll page him.

Mm-hm!

Okay, now you.

Call Tyler.

I can't.

- Oh, come on!

- Harley, I can't.

Come on, just see if

he wants to hang out, come on.

- I can't. Harley, I can't.

- Violet!

He gave me his number

to give to you!

Plus, we're leaving

at the end of summer!

Who cares?!

- Screw it, okay.

- Boom!

Get yer chicken leg, girl!

Oh yeah, Tyler!

Tyler, I love the way you do me!

- Shut up!

- Tyler!

Hi!

Is Tyler there?

Yeah, no, this is Violet.

I work with him.

[Harley whistling]

HARLEY: h*-ly!

You guys were yacking

for like half an hour!

I told you he was into you.

Not even, man.

That was his mom.

Yeah.

Trying to sell me

her friggin' Tupperware.

Tupperware?

Ugh!

Just save your margarine

containers like the rest of us.

I know!

Whoa, what's up, mall rats?

Settle down, McGruff.

I didn't know they put you here.

Yeah, I'm posted here

for a couple weeks.

The old guys got fired

for selling weasels

in the parking lot, so

I'm the only man on the ground.

[sarcastic]

Cool.

Hey, someone's

gotta take responsibility.

Keep the neighbourhood safe.

SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]

10-46. Puke.

South stairwell.

Someone's gotta

take responsibility.

WESLEY: Yeah, yeah, laugh it up.

The janitor got busted

for washing his jorts

in the fountain, so

SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]

10-33, Kid.

Send a mop.

WESLEY: Uh, copy.

I mean, uh

10-4.

Duty calls!

- Oof.

- f*cking idiot.

[both laugh]

You know you only

have white dolls, right?

"Village of the Damned"

over here.

You know Winnipeg has

the biggest Native population

in all of Canada?

You're really missing out

on a market here.

What's this?

That Babbage meat guy

has a book?

$19.99 liquidation sale?

More like liquidation steal.

My change?

Read a newspaper, frig.

♪

Violet,

what do you think?

No, you can't wear

a bandana as a top.

Why? It's the look.

Says who?

JAY: Hey, Sluggo!

Jay! Oh my God, I thought

you were on a stakeout.

Isn't a stakeout

just, like, lurking?

Shh!

I'm on the job.

I got your page.

I had to see you, babe.

[man sneezes]

Hey, that's my mark.

Right there.

Don't look.

That frumpy dad?

JAY: They call him

Itchy Pete.

He's a lot more dangerous

than he looks.

Oh my God, it's always

the ones you least suspect!

He knows exactly

what he's doing.

Hey, you wanna help me case him?

Oh, uh, if Violet can come?

No, it's okay.

You guys go on ahead.

One second.

Violet, I'm not ditching you.

I know!

I have to get that

suitcase anyway.

JAY: You coming, babe?

Go ahead. Go!

Okay.

I'll meet you at the doors

with Cousin Cheryl, okay?

- Alright. Have fun!

- Bye!

Oh, I'm ready!

Let's get him!

♪

CHERYL: This guy's

a frickin' business genius.

[loud smacking]

WOODY: Hey!

You're hurting them!

Not even.

[chuckles]

Even.

[laughs]

Oh, sh*t.

You're that wrestler kid.

Just did my first match.

Yeah, you really

got your arse handed to ya.

But

Anyway, what's all this?

Oh, this?

I'm about to make 100 clams.

Shonias baby.

Well, don't just stand there

mouth breathin'.

Help me, then.

Alright, ready?

Smash.

["I Don't Want It All"

by April Laragy playing]

[grunting]

♪

[grunting]

♪

[yelling]

I fall in love

with every day ♪

I hear the TV

Poo-bahs say ♪

You've got nowhere to go ♪

Whoa, mama.

Pretty people walk on by ♪

I don't want it all ♪

I got it all ♪

Yeah, yeah.

I don't want it all ♪

[music gets quieter]

Hey, Showboat!

I didn't know you worked here.

Oh, gotta love

that employee discount.

Nice!

Dude, this is wicked.

Oh, she's limited edition!

The Phoenix!

Try her on.

- You get the message I left?

- No, what's up?

The Roids won't let me

use their rehearsal space

'cause I "stole the van."

That's whack.

We could jam at my place.

Solid!

I found an old Casio

and I wanna see

if I can get it into a pedal.

That's so sick!

Oh, you look deadly!

Not for 300 bucks!

It's custom.

And it's the last one

in the store, too.

Well

I mean, I have my grad money

and my paycheque.

But that's for school.

And I'd still be short 40 bucks.

Well

I can hold it 'til close.

You have till 6

to come up with the money.

Oh, man.

My mom would k*ll me.

SHOWBOAT: It's a Phoenix, though.

MICKEY: I'll take dat.

Friggin' Mickey Carp.

I saw it first!

You think you can

hotdog in that thing?

'Cause alls I see

is wiener water!

Give 'er here.

Hold up.

It's on hold.

You'll have to wait 'til close.

But I have the money now!

WOMAN: Help!

I'm stuck!

Great.

Every time someone

tries on leather pants,

I gotta pry 'em out.

Every single time.

Fine!

Bend over, lady!

VIOLET: The jacket is mine!

[woman grunting]

ANNOUNCEMENT: Paging security.

Angry pigeons are popping

balloons in the party store.

Please get the pigeon broom.

Wesley, I mean you.

CHERYL: New customers.

Keep 6.

Why would anyone

wanna buy a busted-a*s doll?

It's not just

a busted-a*s doll.

Sit tight.

Oh, man, you're dealing.

You're hiding drugs up

the doll's butt or something?

[scoffs]

I'm not dealing, come on!

I gotta meet a new customer.

Let's go.

Wait, if it's not drugs

is it diamonds?

JAY: Yeah, y'know,

most PI work

is just following around

dirtbag cheating husbands.

Itchy Pete here

is one sick son of a b*tch.

HARLEY: Really?

I thought PI-ing

would be more like

criminal sh*t.

Cheating is criminal.

I hate cheaters.

Sorry, uh

My dad cheated on my mom

when I was young.

Sorry if that's

too real.

No it's not!

I'm so sorry, Jay.

That sucks.

It's not your fault.

You know what?

We should come up with a cover.

In case Itchy Pete

here gets wise.

- Got any ideas?

- Uh, okay.

Um, I mean, I can do

a really good British accent.

Uh, yeah--

[terrible accent]

Crikey, which way to the loo?!

[chuckles]

Um, yeah

- How about we're newlyweds?

- Okay, uh

Shopping for your

birthday present, eh?

Like a blow-up couch?

JAY: Uh

[indistinct chatter]

VIOLET: I thought

you might be here.

[laughs]

Welcome to the band office!

Unc, you got 40 bucks

I could borrow?

There's a jacket

that I really want.

It's a Phoenix!

A what now?

Come on, my girl.

I already gave you

your grad money.

My scratch is all tied up

in pullies anyways.

Friggin' pretzel coupons,

tampons

That's all I got. Come on!

My favourite uncle.

Gee!

Here.

Lookin' all mukabee 'cause

you can't buy your bird.

Thank you!

If you win, I get half.

Hm

70/30?

Half!

Oh!

I won 60 bucks!

Give me 30!

We said half.

Cash in and pay up!

What kind of band office

is this, anyway?

I mean, thank you.

Now I just need ten bucks.

JAY: Look, over here.

What about this one, sweetheart?

It's got a

a CD and a tape player.

But of course, husband.

It'll look so nice up top our

- fireplace!

- Ah!

[trimmer buzzing]

Yeah, nose hairs, Itchy Pete!

Oh! Honey, come here.

[in a whisper]

Okay

[in a whisper]

Almost got him.

[shutter clicks]

ITCHY PETE: My wonky eye!

HARLEY: Oh my God!

[giggling]

Oh my God.

Close call.

♪

I just can't

ignore the signs ♪

Heaven-sent by golden minds ♪

And with you,

it's all designed ♪

I just don't want ♪

Itchy Pete!

Come on, he's getting away!

♪

♪

Cheryl?

Oh, what's up, Showboat?

Gonna come by the mall

and not stop by?

We good?

Uh, I mean, I'm here on

a more official capacity.

Looks like

you're playing dolls

with

Woody.

Wassup!

We're here doing business.

Portfolio business.

With, um, portfolios

and documents, and, uh

It's serious business.

'Kay, den.

WOODY: We got a

customer waiting.

ANNOUNCEMENT:

Attention, shoppers.

Beware of a moustached man

named Dale posing as security.

No actual security employee

will ask you to borrow

your credit card

for a quick sec.

My God, Violet!

Jay is so fine!

Do you have any cash on you?

I just need 10 bucks.

- No, I don't-- I didn't--

- Don't worry about it!

I'll--

I'll catch you later, okay?

- Okay, okay!

- Okay!

[gasps]

Watch yourself!

The fock!

[dryer blasting]

[sighs]

WOMAN: Hello?

Someone there?

Yeah?

WOMAN: Oh, thank God.

It's an emergency.

Do you have a tampon?

[smooth jazz

playing on speakers]

Yeah, you bet I do!

Five jumbo tampons

for ten bucks.

WOMAN: Fine.

Pass them under the stall.

Money first.

WOMAN: Ugh

[muttering angrily]

Christ all-mighty

Here!

Gosh, I should never

have come downtown.

MICKEY: I'll take that!

Give me that

frickin' ten'er, Mickey!

WOMAN: Is this a robbery?

You owe me for that

friggin' pop you spilled.

You bumped into me, Mickey!

Mickey!

WOMAN: I just want my tampons

and then I'll go back to Tuxedo.

Okay?

- [door clicks]

- [woman gasps]

WOMAN: Oh!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

- Mickey! Mickey!

- [pounding on door]

[peaceful piano music]

JAY: He almost got away.

We need to put a tracker on him.

Jeez, it's so small.

Hey, you know what?

You wanna make the drop?

Really?

I don't wanna screw it up!

Oh, come on.

You know, just take it slow.

Don't make any sudden movements.

You got this.

[piano playing continues]

♪

♪

♪

HARLEY: Oh-h*-h*!

Oh my God, I did it!

That was awesome!

You know what?

You make a pretty

awesome partner.

HARLEY: I love PI-ing.

WOMAN: I don't

wanna die in here!

Helloooo!!

[pounding on door]

WOMAN: I don't

wanna die in here!

Chill, lady!

WOMAN: I leave everything

to Pickle, my chow chow.

I should have never sued my son.

He's just a kid.

He didn't even have

a bank account.

I'm terrified!

- [woman sobbing]

- [knock on door]

WESLEY: Security,

coming through.

WOMAN: Help! I'm trapped!

Uh, do you need assistance?

WOMAN: Yes!

I've been kidnapped

and held on the toilet!

Wesley, it's me, Vi.

- Whoa-whoa-whoa!

- What? I gotta go!

Do me a solid.

I'm starving!

Get me something to eat.

Why can't you

waddle over there yourself?

Uh, I'm on patrol, Vi.

Please

Please.

All right.

Loaded pretzel?

Yeah, yeah!

Perfect! Thank you!

Woo!

Now I just need five bucks!

WOMAN: You'll rue the day!

♪

♪

Yo, that lady had a snake!

Friggin' wrapped around

her neck and everything.

At least she paid

top dollar, though.

You're selling

sex dolls to perverts?

Fock, no.

Look, I buy a cheap doll,

and then I make 'em

look all creepy.

Sell 'em on the net

for all the freaks

to go nuts

bidding on 'em.

They're not actually possessed,

though, right?

Look, real or not,

that lady paid $150

for a haunted doll.

Haunted doll?

You better not go messin'

with the spirit world.

Don't go creeping up

on people like that, Fox man.

You go poking around

the spirit world

you never know who'll poke back.

Wise man.

I'm not. I won't.

He isn't.

All right, off to the slots.

You know, you better

not jack my doll idea!

Why'd you tell me this, then?

You know,

I seen you wrestlin'.

If you wanna call it that.

[chuckles]

But I know you can take a hit,

and, you know,

I thought I could

use some back-up.

You know, I mean,

all these weirdos from the net.

Mm-hm.

- You thought of everything.

- Mm-hm.

♪

You know, if you were really

serious about wrestling,

you could use a manager.

Someone to handle the business.

You know, like sponsorships,

cooler shoes, bigger matches

Wait!

Would you manage me?

Uh

That's not really my thing.

I'll give you 10 percent

of everything I make.

Ah, too busy, you know?

It's

20 percent.

22 percent,

and full creative control.

Deal!

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention,

the mall is nearing close.

Wrap up your shopping,

people

VIOLET: Can I get

the pretzel deal?

I got this five-dollar coupon.

I'm kinda in a hurry.

Aw, you have such a cute smile

in your status card pic.

You know,

you don't need a laminated card

to prove that you

have treaty rights.

Yeah, you know, I really

wish the people who say

we get everything for free

were actually right.

Yeah, right?

It's not about free.

We should always

assert our rights!

What rights do we get anyways?

Whatever Canada says,

that's what--

ANNOUNCEMENT: Attention, shoppers.

The mall is closing

in five minutes.

Status card

Assert my treaty rights

ANNOUNCEMENT: Go home!

No tax

I can afford my jacket!

Wait, no,

it's more complicated than--

Thanks, Pretzel Lady!

65 nickels in my pocket ♪

I got 65 nickels

in my pocket ♪

Here!

- What the hell is this?

- Your lunch!

Be grateful!

Oh, come on, man!

SECURITY: [walkie-talkie]

314 in Streetwear.

314 in Streetwear.

Stat!

- MALE VOICE: Oh, baby

- [woman moaning]

I am so sorry, sir.

Can I help you?

Sorry.

ITCHY PETE: Damn pervert mall.

[kissing sounds]

MALE VOICE: Oh, baby

Listen,

you can't hook up in here.

Come on, mall's closing.

Time to go.

Yeah,

I know what you're thinkin' ♪

You know I feel the same ♪

Oh, get lost!

Mall cop.

Don't tell me

that it's over ♪

Just tell me you'll stay ♪

Okay. I'll take it.

260 on debit,

35 in cash, and no tax.

I'm asserting my treaty rights.

You can't use

Status Cards in Winnipeg.

This mall's rezzy,

but it's not the rez.

What store am I supposed

to use it in, then?

I dunno, the dentist?

Man

MICKEY: Caw-caw!

Fly that Phoenix

over here.

VIOLET: Yeah, man

I'm short.

Hold up.

- [cash register beeping]

- $300

plus a 15 percent

employee discount.

45 bucks off.

You're good, Violet.

You can't do that!

Mmm I just did!

Ooh!

Will you look at that?

We're closed!

Looks like you're gonna

have to come back tomorrow.

[gasps]

There's a sale on chaps!

[chuckles]

Jacket's fugly anyways.

Eugh.

I owe you one.

That was really cool.

Ain't no thang.

Just make sure to wear it

to our jam sesh.

You bet I will.

Just want to be

who I truly am

and seen without disguise ♪

Uh, that doesn't

look like a suitcase.

You were right.

Garbage bags are luggage.

What happened to your neck?

Shut up.

It's nothing.

Never mind that, perverts.

What do you know

about wrestling?

- What are you talking about?

- Friggin' Womankind over here!

Awas!

I can't ask you two nuthin'.

HARLEY: Somethin' shady,

or what?

VIOLET: Shotgun!

I let myself down

with every breath ♪

♪

♪

Mandatory secrets

kept my memories unfold ♪

[phone buttons beeping]

[line ringing]

- TYLER: Hello?

- WOMAN: Hello?

TYLER: Donna, I got it!

Hi, Tyler?

TYLER: Yo.

Um

It's-- it's Violet.

From work.

TYLER: Oh, sick!

Stoked you called.

You are?

TYLER: Yeah, for sure.

Yo, you into music?

For sure.

TYLER: Dope, 'cause

I just started a new band,

and we're epic.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

I could show you,

if you want.

Wanna kick it after work?

Mandatory secrets kept

my memories unfold ♪

WOMAN: Hello?

My tampon?

♪

♪

♪

♪