Biswa Kalyan Rath: Mood Kharaab (2023)

[bunniefuu]

This is London.

The biggest city in the world.

Here,

nobody knows me

except

these pigeons

and

this cameraman.

Actually this cameraman does not know me,

and I cannot find pigeons either.

Everyday this road asks me,

Who is Biswa Kalyan Rath?

Where is he from?

What does he want?

I say, Hey! stupid road,

mind your own business.

Don't spoil my mood early in the morning.

Are you guys ready

to start this show really?

Well, please put your hands together

and welcome on stage Biswa Kalyan Rath.

Wow!

Crazy!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Thank you so much, London, for coming out.

It's lovely being here in the UK.

It's amazing being here in the UK.

The first thing you do when you get to UK

is you go through immigration.

This country has immigration.

They give you permission

to enter the country.

Clearly, they know the concept

that you have to seek permission.

They just don't follow it

and barge in anywhere.

Barged in India with a

cannon like, "What's up?"

We asked for their passports,

they said, "Get aside!"

They just barged in.

Beside the immigration officer

it is written,

"Do not verbally abuse

the immigration officer."

I said, I wasn't even planning to.

But now, you have given me this idea.

Now, I have to do it.

Because the immigration officer

knows only one language.

I am fluent in three.

And I can abuse in nine.

Thank you officer. [Ba].

[ti am chi]

What can he do?

Nothing.

This country is too organized.

Everything is too organized,

I don't like it.

In India, things are not organized

but people are very helpful.

That's what I like.

Here, they give directions so briefly,

So brief that it difficult to trust.

Will we be able to reach?

It has such few words.

4, London.

What the f*ck!

Nearby what, brother?

Opposite what?

Tell me, dear.

In India, we give such

a subjective address.

It's a complete essay.

And after that the

person calls as well.

Listen brother, I have sent the address.

It has a link.

Do not follow it.

You will get in an alley

you won't come out from.

Do as I say.

We remain on the phone

and provide moral support.

Do as I say, listen.

Keep going on the main road.

Keep going.

Keep going.

Keep going.

You'll see a left turn now.

There is a left there.

There is a left.

You'll see it when you turn into it.

This is our special feature.

Sometimes there's a left turn

but you won't see it, if you don't turn.

Our country is Narnia.

If your heart is pure,

then you will see the left turn.

Once he turns left, "Keep going".

Keep going.

Keep going.

And we don't pinpoint a location.

We try to get them near

a particular place.

Now you will see an ATM.

Not the one with two ATMs.

There's just one ATM.

Ignore the two ATMs.

Keep moving ahead,

you saw the ATM? Stop right there.

Right there.

The final line of address, always is;

Ask anyone around,

where is Vasant building?

Whom will he ask?

In India, you will always find

at least one guy right there.

Always atleast one guy,

standing at the corner of the street.

He's not in a mood.

Just standing.

He has an issue with every season.

Oh my God, it is so hot.

It is very hot, bro.

It is very hot.

You will roll down your window and

ask him, Where is Vasant building?

He won't answer in one go.

It's a two-factor

authentication for him.

Where is Vasant building?

Vasant building?

Yes, Vasant building.

You want to go to Vasant building?

Yes, brother.

This is it. Now go.

This is the height of nonsense.

I am a very pessimistic person.

I am telling you,

I am strongly pessimistic.

Everyone is god gifted.

Sachin is a batsman.

Greatest batsman ever.

Sachin is a great batsman,

I am a better pessimist.

I'll prove this to you.

Sachin batted 643 innings in his life.

Hundred times he made a century.

543 times, I was right.

85% success rate.

Sachin is amazing,

I am a little better.

I am not being arrogant,

I love Sachin.

It was my childhood dream

to become a batsman.

But it never happened.

Childhood was a very different time,

like oh my God!

Remember those times?

Where everybody's main issue

was "Why is he happy?"

Let's k*ll his vibe.

No entertainment, nothing.

Life is so blant.

All the elders just say,

"Sit quietly."

"Don't laugh."

Zero entertainment.

There was so less entertainment

in our lives.

That me and my friends,

would drink a lot of water

in the first period of school.

And would not pee till the last period.

So that when we do pee,

we enjoy it thoroughly.

Have you guys tried it?

When you pee after eight hours,

you feel like your soul is departing.

We would feel

the thermodynamics from within.

We would be like, Oh my God!

Brother, what a pee I had today!

It was crazy.

This was our childhood.

Drinking water, holding the pee!

You should try it sometime.

You can't focus while working

on Excel? Don't go to pee.

The focus it creates, everything

will be visible to you like OMG.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

You'll get it all done.

In school, the main objective

of all the teachers was,

"Why is this kid happy?"

We had a P.T teacher,

he had nothing to do.

He'd make a new rule everyday.

A new rule everyday.

Once he introduced a rule,

Wherever you see a teacher, greet them.

Do Namaste on seeing a teacher.

Good rule. Kids have no context to it.

Teacher's taking a leak

and children are like, "Sir, greetings."

Greetings to the tiny teacher as well.

Theoretically this rule is good,

but practically it is very problematic.

One day, I was riding a bicycle.

Back then, my legs didn't reach

the pedals while going down.

I'd pedal till 75%

push it down, wait for it

to come up and repeat.

Do you remember that time?

And my brother

used to sit in the back.

Okay so, I was cycling,

we saw the PT teacher coming towards us.

He is gradually coming closer.

I gradually start panicking.

I told my brother, "Let's do one thing."

You hold the handle.

I'll greet him.

My brother says, He is my teacher too.

I said, At least one of us has to die today.

Let's do one thing.

First, you hold the handle

and I'll greet him.

Then I'll quickly hold the handle

and just as he is passing

by you can quickly greet him.

We decided that we will

do this gymnastics activity.

He was 6 and I was 10.

Our feet don't reach to the ground

But we are deciding this.

But we didn't know

the concept of relative velocity.

By the time we agreed to this,

the PT teacher was here.

Our reflexes kicked in and we both greeted

him together.

Our bicycle was down at a 45 angle

but we kept on greeting him.

Our elbows are scuffing

but we won't stop greeting.

We will even die,

but we will greet him for sure.

The bicycle went straight

and hit the PT teacher.

We knocked the PT teacher down.

P.T. teacher fell on ground,

his cycle fell on him,

our bicycle was on top of that

and we two brothers where greeting him.

Try thinking from the

PT teacher's perspective.

He's on his way home, thinking

what a P.T. teacher thinks.

What can he even think?

I'll check their nails tomorrow. Whatever.

Thinking upto whatever he can.

I'll command 1, 2 but

then I won't say 2 in the middle.

1, 1, 1, 2, 1.

Kids would go nuts like,

What is happening with us?

How the hell did this happen?

I am writing a book

on the thoughts of a PT teacher.

It only has two pages;

1 2 1.

Useless PT teacher!

He got up and said,

"Greeting everywhere is not necessary."

We said, "We will still do it, Sir."

We reached home, half scrapped.

Mom asked, "Are you both alright?"

Dad asked, "Is the bicycle alright?"

I don't get what is the issue

with these middle class fathers?

They live in a separate zone.

Theyll have children and then

they stay angry for the next 60 years.

Middle-class fathers

are total mood spoilers.

He's already in a bad mood,

yet hell watch the news and get further upset.

"What's happening in the world?"

Dad please watch Cartoon Network.

Why watch the news?

I just wanted one thing,

when I was young and that was a bat.

I get one bat, I am happy in life.

A desire sprung from within.

But in childhood we used

to suppress the desires, right?

We would say no to ourselves.

I won't get anything,

having desires is wrong.

Expecting anything from life is wrong.

No, I don't want a bat.

No, I don't want it.

Go back, desire. Go back.

We used to suppress it,

but the desire stayed for seven days.

So, one day I thought let me check it.

I went to talk to my dad about it.

I saw my dad

and I didn't feel like talking to him.

Does this happen to you?

Your father is like...

You can't talk to him.

Dad would lay down some problem on me.

He will tell a random problem

and then say You want this?

Bush has attacked Afghanistan

and you want a bat?

So I didn't speak with him.

I straight away went to the softer parent,

mom.

I thought maybe mom will agree.

I went to mom and said, "Mom."

Mom was making rotis.

She was not paying attention.

I said, Mom, I want a bat.

Mom said, Ask your dad.

I said, Stop outsourcing.

You've got the guts.

You too, can do a lot in life.

The time has come for women empowerment.

You buy me the bat.

Mom said, "But where

will I get the money from.

"From your almirah."

I have seen it.

Mom said, "I spent all of it."

I said "Pawn off your jewellery".

Biswa wants a bat.

Mom said, No, ask your father.

I said, You ask him.

Because I had observed that sometimes

when mom would ask, dad would agree.

Mom would get her work done sometimes.

That day mom says,

"Listen!"

"He is saying he wants a bat."

Wow, mom! Wow!

She just sent the forwarded message

with "forwarded" written on it.

She removed herself from the equation,

pretending she isn't a part of this.

If my mother was your lawyer,

you'd definitely end up in prison.

My mother would say Judge,

he claims he did not commit the m*rder.

You figure out the rest,

I have to make rotis.

Mom is making rotis.

My dad heard this.

He said, Come here.

Come closer.

I said,

I am not coming that close.

After a certain time, dads call

us closer and then hit us.

They don't even get up.

He would be sitting

and ask you to come closer.

And you would go expecting affection

and would get a slap instead.

I had experienced it a couple of times

and had learned my lesson.

I said, I am not coming closer.

Want to hit me, no issues.

But you'll have to run and hit.

You will get a good exercise,

I will get a good exercise.

I am not coming closer

and getting slapped.

So, dad asks, So, you want a bat?

I said, Yes.

Like you heard.

Dad says Get 100 out of 100 in Maths.

I will get you the bat.

I said "Let me climb the

Everest as well while I'm at it".

Let me get a Nobel prize as well.

Or become Dalai Lama and free Tibet too!

Did you ever score a 100 out of 100 in Maths?

I said it.

Dad got up and made me run.

I said it!

Dad got up and chased me,

I ran and hid in a corner, under the bed.

Dad tried to reach for me

from different angles but could not.

Kids know the furniture corners

where their parents cannot reach.

I was hiding where even

the network of vodafone won't reach.

Dad brought the broom and poked me.

I did not come out,

instead I took the broom from him.

I started accumulating various items.

Five years later,

I scored 100 on 100 in Maths.

I came out from under the bed.

I said, Dad,

it's time

for the bat.

Dad said, Let's go get it.

Dad took his bike,

I sat on the backseat

holding him.

Have you ever sat holding your dad?

Have you noticed that when you sit

on the back seat of a two-wheeler,

the driver wants to talk a lot.

And you cannot hear half of it.

He goes on with his banter.

And you too, keep

agreeing to eveything.

Whatever he says...

[imitating muffled voice]

He will stop mid-way

and check if you are there.

Yes, I am still here.

So, dad agreed and we reached the store.

On reaching the store,

the shopkeeper asked what we wanted.

My dad said, Show us a bat.

He showed us a bat

and said, Here it is.

It's for Rs. 8000.

I was like, Brother.

Do you sell knives too?

Just aim here and k*ll me.

I came out from under the bed

after five years to see this!!

Please, k*ll me.

Dad said, Keep this aside.

He didn't want to even see it.

He will get a heart attack,

Rs. 8000 for a bat? What world are we in?

He said, Keep this inside.

Do you have anything for Rs. 150?

That b*stard shopkeeper says,

You will just get a plastic bat

for Rs. 150, sir.

My dad did not get the sarcasm.

Dad said, Then give it.

I came back with a plastic bat.

Imagine, I was in class 9.

I came back with a plastic bat, guys.

I scored 100 on 100 in Maths,

to get a yellow color plastic bat.

But I did not give up,

I wanted a bat at any cost.

If my dad couldn't get it,

someone else will.

Someone will surely get me one.

There were some carpenters

working in our colony.

I befriended them.

I started complimenting their work daily.

They would be making a door

and I would say, Wow, what a door!

Perfect 90 degrees. Crazy!

Carpy boys rock!

#[Hashtag] Woody, woody.

After a month they said,

Why are you buttering us up?

I said, If you have any material left,

make a bat for me, please.

And they were so sweet

that they actually made a bat for me.

And that day I realized

that a bat cannot be made of any wood.

Bat has a basic property.

That if you hit a ball with a bat,

the ball should move ahead.

It's vibrations should not

reach to your chest.

I took the bat and...

Came back with a broken leg.

So, neither did I got a bat

nor did I become a batsman.

Scored perfect marks in Maths

but not pursuing that again.

Childhood was a total embarrassment.

Very embarrasing.

Now my life is quite different.

Now everybody's life is different.

Now, whether you want it or not,

if a thing is destined to come to you,

it will reach you.

You cannot stop it.

Even if you sub-consciously thought,

It would be so great if I got a bat...

The internet heard it.

They heard it.

You guys are on this show today,

tomorrow y'all will see ads for bat.

Let me get you one.

Bat, bat, bat, I love bat.

Bat in cricket. Cricket is my favorite.

Love you Virat Kohli.

I want to become a batsman.

I want to see some bats

in the range of Rs. 100.

Now you cannot escape it.

Once the internet comes to know

that you want a bat,

you may hide in any corner.

You may be hiding in any corner,

what do we do these days? This is life.

Hide in any corner of the Internet.

Ask it, 20 things you must do in your 20s.

You are looking at it at the age of 32.

And thinking what all you haven't done.

And it will be something abstract.

First thing, be happy.

There will be a whole article on it.

"Happiness is very important in 20s.

Many people are not happy in their 20s.

You should be happy."

You scroll down and see, "Don't be sad.

Many people in 20s are sad.

You don't be sad."

You're reading it, f*cking idiot.

You are reading

a list of 20 things in it.

While reading this, a bat will appear.

You were looking for me, brother?

I heard you want one.

And initially you...

No one buys in the first go.

Everyone is like, "Nope. Not

falling for that so easy."

Get lost, go away.

You will move forward.

Third point, "Don't be very happy."

What the hell

is this article talking about?

After two hours

you are in some other corner

watching some random video

and reacting to it.

Some Pakistani has reacted to it.

Some Bangaleshi has also reacted to it.

And you are engrossed in finding

what was wrong with this baking video.

And you are not even a baker!

Nor are you a Bangladeshi!

So even you don't know

why the hell are you there.

You are reading

and the bat will emerge again.

What's up, brother!

Did you decide yet?

Please buy me.

Now when you try to close it,

it will not close,

rather the whole page will open up.

You will think you're closing it

but now the website will open up.

"You were thinking about us bro?"

To hell with your brother, shut up.

Scrolling our phones at 3 in the night.

Being our most vulnerable self.

At the end of the day you are thinking

I have not achieved anything.

I will play a podcast and go to sleep.

You are lying on the bed

and scrolling away.

Few influencers are influencing you there.

Buy this stock. Buy that stock.

Come one, come all, buy the stock.

You will become rich, dude.

And you are like,

But I don't have the money, dude.

The charger is coming off from behind,

you are trying to balance it.

You're trying to balance

as you don't want the charger to come off.

You want to keep scrolling.

You are at it.

Again the bat will emerge,

"What up, b*stard!

Did you decide yet?

Buy me, idiot, buy me.

I am the only one you can afford.

Now you want be able to resist.

You will give in.

I'll f*cking buy it.

I am going to buy it.

And you will go to sleep.

Next day you will be messing

around on a video call,

about whatever nonsense we do.

On a video call.

First 15 minutes of the video call.

Hi guys! How are you all?

Okay, we should wait for John."

You are waiting for John.

One by one people are joining

in. "Hi guys. Hi. Hi. Sorry I am late."

But no one is responding.

He understands and mutes his voice.

Then John gives his presentation

and asks if anyone has any points.

People start to forcefully pile on.

John, I think we should re-strategize

our strategies.

That's what I think.

If anybody else can add...

their calibration of calibration of...

brand strategy into this then

that would be great is what I think."

"But John,

that was a lovely presentation.

Show your a*s and let us lick it.

Your door bell will ring.

It would spoil your mood.

Who's come, man.

Who has come at this time?

You will go and answer the door

and will find a guy holding a box.

He is also in a bad mood.

You are looking at him,

he is looking at you.

You don't know what he is delivering.

He doesn't know what you have ordered.

He just wants one thing.

He will say, Sir,

keep this package and give me the OTP.

You will tell the OTP

but it wont be accepted at once.

You will say it is written here 750358

He will say, "Huh?"

You could have atleast written down seven.

Write 7,

Huh? Sir?

7 5 0

Sir, 7 7 5 0

Bro, see it and enter it.

The moment you show the phone, your friend

will say, "Hey, dickhead where are you?"

The delivery guy will say,

Sir, your friend is calling you a dickhead.

Finally you will bring in the package,

you don't remember what you ordered.

These days you get

online delivery for everything.

Right from salt to octopus.

You even get octopus, imagine.

You will get an octopus.

You don't know what you have ordered.

You will open the box

and find another box inside it.

On opening that box

you'll find another small box.

On opening it

you'll find two thermacol sheets.

What the hell did I order, man!

Inside the box will be a bat.

The moment you hold the back and swing it

you will realize you didn't want a bat,

you wanted love from people.

I ordered a bat,

but I don't have any friends to play with.

What will I do with the bat?

You won't realize this immediately.

Until the bat is far off, you think it's

the solution to all your life problems.

The moment you hold it,

you realize you don't have the talent.

What can a bat do?

And then you immediately press 'return'

saying I don't want it, take it back.

Take it back. Return. I don't want it.

Take it back. Return.

It is so simple.

In the old days, we had to take

elder uncles to return any product

because the shopkeeper never agreed

that he had sold that item.

Sir, we bought this pressure cooker

from you but its whistle does not work.

We don't sell pressure cookers.

When you take your uncle,

I'll burn down your house!

The whistle will blow

on the roof of your house.

Take the pressure cooker back.

"Brother, since you are insisting,

I will take it but we don't sell it."

So you press return

and then forget about it.

A guy will come and ring your bell.

You open the door

and he says you have a return scheduled.

I say take me.

"No, sir, this return

is scheduled for your mini skirt."

"Huh?"

Sir, this is for returning

the mini skirt you ordered.

You will start wondering

how did I order a mini skirt.

You can do it, you never know.

You may have decided to mess around

in the middle of the night.

You may have ordered it,

let's take a look at least.

You may have hit 'buy.'

The guy comes for the return,

you will say, no, I have not ordered it.

He will say you did.

I did not order it.

Sir, may be someone else ordered it.

I am like, yeah, may be.

Did someone order a mini skirt?

huh?

No one heard a word you said.

Now you will emphasize on each word.

Did someone order a mini skirt?

Did someone do what?

The syntax of the sentence is lost.

Now you have to fill in the noun in it.

Mini skirt!

Mini skirt, what?

Did someone order it?

Did someone order a mini skirt?

-Yes.

-Who?

Someone!

Somewhere!

Living in this house!

Why are you yelling?

Because you guys are far away!

You are always yelling!

That's a different issue!

Did you order a mini skirt?

No!

Brother, we did not order it.

Sir, you did.

He is saying someone ordered it.

Who he?

Bro, what's your name?

Sir, it's Harish.

Harish.

Whos Harish?

Harish from miniskirt.com

Sir, I am not from miniskirt.com.

We are actually with a third-party.

Neither have I ordered it.

I am also a third-party.

And my wife has not ordered it

for herself as well.

She also ordered it to gift someone.

Technically, I am the ninth-party.

I have never met the first-party.

All are third-parties, mfk.

No one owns anything.

All are analyzing someone else's data.

We are third-party, neither do we

give credit card nor do we buy.

We analyze and say all are dickheads.

He is saying

There is a return scheduled.

Wait, I'll come.

Now you are just waiting.

So, Harish, how much do you earn?

Harish also asks,

sir, what is the prevalent rent here?

-Rs. 1 Lakh

-You pay Rs. 1 Lakh for this house, sir?

Yes.

Why, sir?

Because I am third-party.

He takes away the package back.

We are trying to find solutions

to our life problems

by ordering products online.

Life's property is that it is sucks.

Life sucks.

And why won't be?

Because ultimately we all have to die.

Why would you enjoy life?

This is a new trend that

we should enjoy our life. No, not at all.

Life...

Who told you this?

Did you not study

History and Geography?

Alexander conquered the world at 32,

he died.

I am 33. So, who won?

We cannot solve life problems

with technology.

The life of the primitive man was simple.

The would immediately know

why their life sucked.

Why are you terrified, bro?

Because the tiger is chasing me.

Run. Immediate solution.

Now we have complicated life very much.

Technology is not bad, but all that

we need has already been made.

We have made everything,

video calling was the peak.

Video call was the last

necessary technology.

We have video calling

but we don't even use it properly.

When you call someone, they enlarge

their image and style their hair.

You can see his nose in close-up.

Okay?

Alright. We'll meet you tomorrow. Okay?

Okay, bye.

Okay, bye-bye.

And cut the phone.

We didn't need anything after video call.

Banks made net banking possible. Awesome.

Crypto?!

Was it really needed?

We were trading in money and all was well.

Money was traded as usual.

Now with this crypto,

I cleared IIT,

but could not clear crypto, guys.

I don't get it.

And when four guys buy crypto,

they keep digging in it.

They are like, buy it, buy it.

Give crypto, take crypto.

Give and take.

You buy one, I'll buy two.

It will be fun.

What will happens in this?

You will be set.

What the hell are you doing?

I can't understand

why the f*ck we have crypto.

Now we are building the Metaverse.

What's the need, dude?

You don't like this universe?

The whole universe, stars, moon

solar system,

London,

Bangladesh.

You don't like all this?

People are creating metaverse.

We don't want to see all this.

They will wear that eye-gear

and laze around.

They will wear the headphone

to hell seeing and listening to the world.

The will wear mask and stop breathing too.

Just close all our senses.

Just close and stuff burger in our mouths.

Just leave me alone.

Metaverse, what?

What does metaverse promise?

I know three things for sure.

I am here, I am me and I am sad.

But now with the metaverse,

I am not me, I am not here

and I am sad at two places.

In metaverse too

you can be an as*h*le, right?

What do you think?

You are an as*h*le in real world

so you will become stud in metaverse? Why?

Do you get what I am saying?

Being an as*h*le is your characteristic,

technology cannot solve it.

You are still being an as*h*le

in the virtual world.

People are reacting to it,

as*h*le, as*h*le, as*h*le, OP.

as*h*le, as*h*le, as*h*le, OP.

as*h*le, OP.

There also, are people who say

did you do those 20 things?

Did you? Brother?

Did you? Did you? Did you?

Metaverse cannot solve our problems,

I could not become a batsman.

In the metaverse,

I may become Virat Kohli.

Won't there be problems then?

The whole nation is at it,

Virat, you are sh1tting.

I already had problems,

now I have two problems in metaverse.

And in the metaverse

I am Anushka Sharma too.

Metaverse is such a sucky thing.

Why metaverse?

Aren't we already living in the metaverse?

A match is being played in Bangladesh

and we are watching it here? Why?

What right do you have to watch

Bangladesh match in London?

No, but we want more,

we want the feel of the stadium.

Then go to the stadium!

Why are you being a d*ck?

That "Wow!" Feeling like a stadium!

You are sitting in your underwear.

Acting as if he's a pro on the side.

Dude, our kids.

You guys aren't taking it seriously,

our children are going to get spoiled.

They are, I am telling you.

We are already so spoiled

due to the technology,

that our parents cannot talk to us.

Our parents call and say,

"Son, buy a house."

We say, "Papa, real estate is a bubble."

Dad says, "Real estate is

a rectangular bubble of bricks."

"Buy it!"

We are like, no, they don't know anything.

What do they know?

We will get a Canada PR instead.

When our kids come and they will come.

I am observing people

are having too much sex.

I am observing.

I mean I am not watching everyone.

I am observing the society in general.

I'm not asking everyone individually,

are you doing it?

I am not watching them in action.

I am observing the society

that people are having sex.

When we have kids,

our generation has this dream

that we will not raise our children

the way our parents did.

We will be best friends with our kids.

We will become our kid's best friend.

This is cringe!

From where did we get this cringey dream?

Why do we want

to be friends with our kids?

First of all, no five year kid dreams

of befriending a 40 year old.

"If my kid wants to smoke a joint,

the first one would be with me."

If he is smoking a joint with you,

it is not his first joint.

You say, son try this.

He will say, dad this is sh*t.

Our kids are going

to be a pain in our a*s.

Never befriend your kid,

they are not worth it.

The purpose of kids

is to be damaged goods.

Let them be damaged goods.

You remember that teacher who would say,

"Friends, don't call me sir, okay?

I am like a friend to you."

Kids would identify him immediately.

He is a big as*h*le.

We won't study at all, we will

come crying to you on the last day

and you will pass us, we know.

We are going to be such parents.

Softie parents.

Kids are taking our advantage,

and we are letting them do it.

When kids ask us for something,

we are like, whatever you want.

Give whatever they want.

Whatever.

We will give what they don't want too.

You will give him everything,

but one day he will surely piss you off.

Kids know parents soft corner.

One day your son will call and say,

Papa, can you send some crypto?

You will ask, Why?

Dad, I want to buy some BTT.

What?

BTT.

What is BTT?

Papa, it's Bat Token Token.

What is Bat Token Token?

Papa, there is a virtual bat

in the Bahamas.

Its derivative bat is in the US.

Its derivative bat is in the UK.

One of its derivative bat

is in the Andamans.

I'm buying its derivative bat in Mumbai.

What will you do

with the Bat Token Token, dear?

I will hit the Ball Token Token.

Son, you are 35 years old.

Get married.

"Papa, I am already married."

[crowd] Oh sh*t!

Son, Rukmini is a robot.

You are in a bad mood

saying to yourself, I should have

f*cking hit him when he was small.

We should not hit kids,

we should not slap them.

But the kid should not know

that you are not going to hit him.

He should be kept wondering.

Dad seems a little eccentric.

He can hit me.

Your image should be bad in their eyes.

After growing up if the kid is doing

a stand-up on you, it's a success.

I think in our childhood

our expectation from life was set wrong.

Our parents told us stories on honesty.

They would tell us fairy tales.

Because middle-class

doesn't have much to give,

so they give honesty.

Middle class has this typical dialogue,

"We may not have anything to eat,

we may not have our own home,

but we never compromised our integrity.

Who the f*ck

is even buying your integrity?

I have never heard anyone say,

I wish I could get Mr. Rath's integrity.

Elon Musk is saying,

Mr. Rath, give me your integrity.

What will I do with this property?

What will I do with the world?

I want your integrity,

Mr. Rath, your integrity.

Give me your integrity.

We were told a story

on honesty when we were young.

A woodcutter goes for cutting wood.

His axe falls in the river

so he starts crying.

The story should have ended here

the moral being, keep an extra axe.

First of all, the lead character

of our story is also going for a job.

Now see, here is the twist.

Lord Mercury comes out of the water.

He asks, "Is this gold axe yours?"

The wood cutter says, No, no, no.

"Is this silver axe yours?"

Wood cutter says,

God, do you know about material science?

Silver is a very malleable metal.

Silver will not cut the tree,

the tree would cut the silver.

Lord Mercury says I am making a point.

I am not saying this,

I am just telling what is written.

Lord Mercury, a Greek God.

In my show, all Gods are Greek Gods.

What can we do, we have to oblige.

The moral of the story

is that we should be honest. Why?

Because Lord Mercury

gives him the gold and silver axe.

Our parents are teaching honesty

by showing us greed.

This is such a f*cked up thing!

If you are honest,

you will get silver and gold.

So ultimately, we want silver

and gold only!

We are being honest,

but we are not getting any silver or gold.

I have been in water so many times,

Lord Mercury never emerges.

My life sucked

because of these fairy tales.

So, I have decided I will not tell

these fairy tales to my children.

I will tell them some other fairy tales

which will be practical fairy tales.

Now we will bring a TV here.

Few moments later.

Guys, please give a huge round

of applause for the TV.

Guys, please give a huge round

of applause for the TV.

TV says hello.

[crowd] Hello!

Missed me?

So, I have decided I will tell

my children unfairy tales.

Practical tales

about how life actually is.

Okay, first story.

Sparrow.

Once there were two sparrows

who were perfect for each other.

They watch the same shows,

read the same books

and give the same review

of the same movie.

They never meet.

Because the radius

of Tinder doesn't intersect.

There were two more sparrows.

The Sequel.

Munna-Munni.

They are perfect for each other.

These two meet and have sex.

They get married and birth kids.

Then they start fighting.

I left my career for our kids,

what did you do?

Uh, I continued my career.

But they stay together for their kid.

They stay together

for 30 years for their kid.

30 years

stayed together

for the kid.

Kid turns out to be an as*h*le.

Any problem?

The End.

This is such an as*h*le sparrow.

I wrote this story looking at it.

It is a complete as*h*le.

Come on.

Next story: b*stard Dogs

Some dogs lived on a blue street.

Whole day they would bark,

Blue Street's the best

Blue, blue, blue, blue, blue, blue

Best street is the Blue Street

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Woof, woof, woof

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Listen, my friend, a dog's story

He will sacrifice for this street.

Which street?

Blue Street's the best. Blue, blue

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Blue, blue, blue.

Then there is a Red Street.

There were some dogs

on the Red Street too.

The sing everyday,

Red Street's the best. Red, red, red

Their song is small, okay?

You were expecting

a full on rap song, weren't you?

What would it be?

One day they meet.

They say we are tired of barking.

Throat is tired.

We can't decide which street is the best.

Let's play a cricket match whoever wins,

that street will be the best.

They say done.

Blue street dogs go and practice.

They focus on fitness.

Stretching, weight lifting,

dog-style traffic stopping.

Every day they eat veg food,

do yo-yo test, grow beard, draw tattoos.

Fitness.

Dogs of the Red Street go and sleep.

They don't need fitness,

have you all seen Rohit Sharma?

Blue Street practices, Red Street chills.

Blue Street practices, Red Street chills.

On the day of the match,

it starts raining.

London public relates.

If it rains, it rains.

There's heavy rains.

Sometimes it does not rain,

but then it starts raining.

And sometimes it rains,

and then it rains some more.

It keeps raining,

our life sucks.

There are two giraffes and both smoke.

There are two giraffes,

both smoke and both get cancer.

They go the doctor. He gives them both

the same medicine, both get cured.

The doctor dies.

Mob mentality.

Once there was a black and a white wolf.

Black wolf m*rder white wolf.

His son sees and says I will avenge this.

[imitating wolf's howl]

I will seek revenge.

Saa Ni Dha

Revenge, revenge, revenge, revenge

He goes to the Revenge school.

A Revengeful teacher comes.

He teaches the wolf for 10 years,

there are three types of angles,

acute angle, obtuse angle,

right angle triangle.

This is f*cking too much work.

He thinks, to hell with the revenge,

let me take up a job.

"Sir, you must have received an OTP."

Crazy.

Democracy.

A snake was the king of the jungle,

it was very poisonous.

All people were worried.

One day a mongoose comes

and says I will kick his f*cking a*s.

Everyone says prove it and he does.

Action sequence.

Want to see the action sequence again?

Replay.

Action sequence.

Oh my God!

Mongoose starts its party.

Mongoose party.

We will bring change now

says Mongoose Party.

Snake starts its own party,

toxic Party

Elections are held. All vote.

Results are declared

33% mongoose, 33% Snake,

33% others.

Nobody gets a clear majority.

For two weeks dumbfuckery goes on.

Then a news comes.

Mongoose and Snake

have formed a coalition.

Public is like

what the f*cking hell happened?

We are f*cked!

See, what a perfect face it has.

We are f*cked!

Let's move on.

Only two stories remain,

there were two kings. Both do penance.

There were two kings both do penance.

Greek God Dionysus comes.

Greek God Dionysus comes.

God asks the first king, what he wants?

He says I want golden touch.

God says done.

He goes home,

touches a flower, it becomes gold,

touches fruit, it turns gold.

His daughter comes running,

she also turns gold.

His wife hugs him and she also turns gold.

His cries and the tear becomes gold.

He cries and repents

the blessing he asked.

God asks the second king what do you want.

He says, God,

I'll do with cash.

Greed is not the problem.

Liquidity is the problem.

Grassu and Chintu

There was a grasshopper.

Okay?

It was a beautiful day so he was dancing.

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

There is an ant also there.

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

I'll sing Day is beautiful,

You sing I'm teeny tiny ant.

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

The day is so beautiful

I am dancing

I'm a teeny tiny ant

I keep working

Day, day, day, day

Teeny tiny, teeny tiny, teeny tiny

Day, day, day, day

Teeny tiny, teeny tiny, teeny tiny

Day, day, day, day

Teeny tiny, teeny

tiny, teeny tiny

Day, day, day, day

Teeny tiny, teeny

tiny, teeny tiny

Its the mfg Nucleya.

Height of dumb f*ck.

We just crossed it.

This was the limit.

We just crossed it,

doing total dumbfuckery.

Grasshopper looks at the ant and says,

"Hey Ant, why are you working?

The day is so beautiful, dance with me.

The ant says when winter will arrive

and everything will freeze,

everything will freeze

that day you will come to me seeking food.

But I will not give you food.

That day when you won't get any food,

when it is -30 degrees outside,

I am saving food for that day

right from now.

I am saving food for that day.

Grasshopper says,

"Hey stupid Ant, you live in Mumbai."

The day is so beautiful

We are dancing

The End. Sucky Mood.

Thank you guys. I love you all.

Biswa! Biswa!

Biswa! Biswa!

It was a lot of fun.