[eerie music bumper]
[4th Floor Pictures bumper]
[creepy organ music]
[rockabilly music]
Warning,
what you're about to witness
is not for the faint of heart.
If you have any moral fiber
in your being,
just an ounce of decency,
you'll get up and leave.
You'll never think about
this movie again.
We should also note that
the producer of this film
is not responsible
for your well being
if you decide to view
the film in its entirety.
It is also in
your best interest to
seek out therapy immediately
after viewing.
We take no
responsibility whatsoever,
but if you live on the wild side
and want to take the risk,
then we say good luck to you.
This movie is complete trash
and so will you be by deciding
to take this ride.
You've been warned.
[rockabilly music continues]
The High.
Goes by so many names.
Blow, Coke, Crack,
Snow, Smoke and Smack,
Jazz Cabbage,
The Devil's Lettuce,
Animal Trank, Horse...
I always liked that one...
Dabs, Tabs, Uppers,
Downers, and
more recently, Molly.
And I tried them all,
more than once I might add,
and I liked them,
every last one of them.
From hallucinogenics with a
splash of air duster
to barbiturates
with a paint thinner chaser.
f*ck, I'd even sniff
magic markers
if a nearby kid left them where
I could get to them.
I sh*t you not,
one time my neighbor found me
passed out in his shed,
cuddling with his gas can.
At times, I am genuinely
shocked that I'm still alive.
Look, I could stand here
and tell you about my
life's problems until
I'm blue in the face,
it ain't gonna change anything.
I'm not going to
get the years back
I spent putting my
body through hell.
So aside from all that, and the
fact that I'm clean again,
what I need,
what I really need right now,
is a ride home.
One, two, three, four...
Country song playing
The bar.
It's one of the last safe
places for guys like me.
Basically,
it's home for
those of us who are
less than zero.
Well, holy sh*t.
As I see it with my very own
eyes, it's George.
- How the hell are you doing?
- I'm good. I'm good.
I haven't seen you in
a few months.
Where the hell have you been?
Rehab.
Rehab?
Now you're sitting
here at my bar.
Rehab for drugs, not alcohol.
Oh, well that makes a
world of difference.
- See?
- If that's the case.
Here.
This one's on me.
Thank you.
Did you know that dribbling even
the tiniest little amount of
alcohol onto a scorpion,
it's gonna make it
instantly lose its sh*t
and start trying to sting
itself to death.
Basically, that's
what I'm doing, just...
gradually, gradually.
Oh, this place.
So many memories.
Y'know, I even lost my
virginity out back.
Yeah.
Kelly Myers...
really thought I was special
up until I find out
that the boys
had a bit of a nickname for her.
They used to call her...
"Kelly Kelly, c*m Belly."
[sighs]
And what did I get
from my troubles?
What was my love memento?
A rash.
A...
rash.
The worst part was
having to tell my mom to make a
doctor's appoint for me.
And of course she goes
running to my dad,
who proceeds to beat my a*s and
accuse me of stealing money to
plow some of our finest
local sex workers.
You really do never forget
your first time.
So... what do you plan to do
now that you're out?
Job recruiter with a
social worker.
First thing tomorrow morning.
- sh*t.
- Gotta keep busy,
idle hands are the
devil's workshop.
Well, you're lucky. Most people
around here are laid off or
- still trying to find something.
- Yeah.
Hell, I'm still trying to
get my disability.
Disability for what?
That, uh... what do they
call it? The, uh...
most dramatic... dress order?
Traumatic. Post traumatic.
Post traumatic...
stress disorder.
That's it, that's it.
You ever seen half the sh*t I
seen in the sandbox,
You'd need disability too.
Brothers getting
blown up by IEDs,
towel heads, camels getting
blown to pieces.
Did some of it myself.
If that isn't a disability,
I don't know what is.
Well, I'd call that a compelling
argument for social security.
Yeah. The job market.
It's tough now. Um...
Especially because I don't
have any skills.
I can't write, I can
barely read.
I haven't had a job since 1995.
Good luck.
Don't be wasting your money on
sticking those drugs up
your a*s, alright?
I would never stick
drugs up my a*s.
Okay, I stuck drugs up
my a*s one time
and that's how I
ended up in rehab.
I don't think I needed to
go personally.
I think it was bullshit.
Now, the second, third,
and fourth times,
yeah, I needed to go.
I had gotten way too
comfortable in a dark place.
And let me tell all you trust
fund junkies with your
faces pressed up against the
coffee table something real,
rehab sucks!
And I'm not even talking about
the part where you have
to face your demons and you have
to apologize and forgive.
No, I mean, the f*cking d*ck
bags you have to live with.
Oh my God. Basically
just sociopaths who
plea bargain their way
out of prison.
Then they get to tell their sad
stories about how they were
molested by Uncle
"f*ck Me in the a*s."
And that gave them the impetus
to hit a college campus
and start hacking up sorority
girls with a hatchet.
It's a touching tale,
but it's old news.
In a few months they're gonna be
back out on the streets,
hacking up more college girls or
whatever else is cluttering up
the court system's calendars.
Big picture:
Most of these rehab lifers,
they're never gonna quit.
They're just gonna keep
banging junk until
one day...
they decide to draw a warm bath
and slit their wrists, or...
see what the barrel of a 12
gauge tastes like,
if you know what I mean.
[g*nsh*t]
Bottom line.
It doesn't matter who you are
when you're locked in a padded
room, sweating like a pig at 4AM
and the only thing you
can think about
is banging junk into your arm.
Rehab ain't no picnic.
So the first time I
went to rehab,
I really felt like I was being
railroaded into going.
I knew I didn't wanna be there
and I didn't think I needed to.
Let me show you how it
all went down.
[plucky string music]
[distant voices]
- That's what I'm here for.
- Yes, yes.
Intervention...
Intervention...
Intervention...
Intervention...
What is this?
Did somebody die of syphilis?
This is supposed to be a
Sci-Fi Convention.
George.
Hi, George. John Marla.
- Hi.
- Won't you come in and join us?
Come on.
Okay.
Please take a seat.
Now George,
everyone's here today for you.
Okay?
They're here because they care
and love you very much.
Unlike my ex-wife who
never really cared
to love me at all.
She loved several other men,
especially Hector,
the lawn boy.
Anyway...
each of them have
written you a letter
and they'd like to
read it to you.
I don't personally know you, so
I didn't write you a letter.
Had I had a little time to
get to know you,
I may have wrote you a letter.
Maybe when this is done I'll
write you a letter,
but in the meantime,
what I'd like to have right
now is for each of you
to read your letters to George.
Now, who would like to go first?
So... this isn't the
Sci-Fi Convention?
[sighs]
I'll go first.
Very good, Lisa, please...
read the wonderful letter
you wrote to George.
I can really feel the positive
energy in this room right now,
unlike the positive energy my
ex-wife ever gave me.
I hope her new husband's
d*ck falls off!
I'm sorry, Lisa, please.
Dear George,
I'm writing this letter to you
to let you know how distant
you have been in the
past few weeks.
We've only been
together for a month!
Poor George.
George, please don't interrupt.
I need to hear the rest of this.
Plus, you're bringing a lot
of negative energy
into the room right now.
I don't want to have to put
you in a timeout.
I feel that your drug usage
has been pushing our love apart.
Lisa, the night we met,
we did cocaine together off of a
bathroom sink in a bar.
George, please, don't
interrupt again
or I'm gonna have to
ask you to leave.
I miss the old George that I
fell in love with.
The George that
would hold me in his arms
and make love to me for hours.
And now when we make love
you can't even get it up.
That happened once.
One time.
- George.
- What is this?
Is this just sh*t on George day?
Madonna Santa,
George, you're doing
the dirty dance?
Okay, let's all stop
here for a moment.
This isn't about bashing George,
but an intervention.
Now George,
your friends and family are
all here because
they're concerned about
your drug usage
and how it's
affecting your life,
and their lives.
Now I know drugs might
make you feel
pretty good at first, right?
They might make you
look like the
cool cat at a party.
But at the end of
the day George,
drugs are just bad.
You just say no, George.
It's kind of like when your wife
brings up that she wants to
try new things in
the bedroom and
suggests bringing in two to
three black men to spice it up.
You just say...
"No, George!"
I don't have a drug problem.
I've done a little bit of this
and a little bit of that,
but it's not like I'm going
around doing home invasions
so I can get my fix for the day.
A good drug user knows how
to act and fool the
people around him.
Now we all know this
isn't an act
and you're only fooling
yourself, mister.
So please,
let's sit here and listen to the
rest of the stories.
I'm sure we wanna hear more
stories about George, right?
Or...
I could tell you how I'm not
permitted to buy a g*n.
'Cause if I were
permitted to buy a g*n,
I'd probably take it over to
my ex wife's house
and show the b*tch how it works.
Oh, this should be good.
Okay, now who would
like to go next?
How about you, Jared?
You look like the hitman I tried
to hire to cut the brake lines
on my ex wife's car.
I didn't write a f*cking letter.
It's okay. Look,
don't worry. Just...
tell George how you feel.
I don't give a f*ck
what he does.
I mean, look at him.
He's an as*h*le.
He's always been an as*h*le, and
he always will be an as*h*le.
Oh, I can absolutely feel the
brotherly love in this room.
Oh, f*ck you, George!
Seriously, mom must have been
getting f*cked in the a*s
when she got pregnant with you.
Because you're such a
piece of sh*t.
Oh, I'm supposed to be like you?
Look at you.
Mr. All-Star, my great
older brother!
You're g*dd*mn right, you
selfish prick!
I could've f*ck' been All-Star
if it wasn't for dealing with
your Ret*rded a*s!
This is all I get!
- Oh f*ck you!
- f*ck you.
I've been babysitting
your a*s trying to
teach you how to
be a f*ck' man!
[laughs]
A man.
You're supposed to be a man?
This guy drinks a case
of beer a night,
slaps his wife around,
and then they decide to just
pump out two or three
kids a year.
And far be it for me to be
judgmental, Jared,
but I'm pretty sure one of
those kids isn't yours.
That's it, you son of a b*tch.
What? They look Hispanic.
My kid ain't no f*cking b*aner!
Why don't you just do us
all a f*cking favor
and f*cking k*ll yourself,
you f*cking loser!
Can really feel the brotherly
love in this room.
Should we continue? I mean...
- Seems to be taking it well.
- Yes.
Georgie needs to hear this.
By all means.
Oh, cut me a break, Ma.
We all know that Jared
was your favorite.
Watch your mouth, George.
You want me to tell your father
how you're behaving here today?
Holy f*ck, Ma!
Dad died eight years ago.
Can you just move on?
Mrs. Stryber...
why don't you read your letter
about what a mess George is?
Okay.
Sure.
Dear Georgie,
I'm here today to ask you
to go and get some help
for all of the aspirin you take.
Oh, you're a good boy, Georgie.
You've always been a good boy.
Yeah,
you could have tried harder in
school with your grades.
You could have tried a
little harder
when you started to
play baseball.
Your father and I hope
that your friends,
like Willie here,
would have rubbed off on you
and straightened you out.
Your father always wished
you would have
been more like your
friend Willie.
He used to say,
"I wish my son was Willie...
and not George."
Willie?
You want me to be
more like Willie?
Willie's the one that introduced
me to drugs in the first place.
I would never do anything like
that, Ms. Stryber.
No, no, no, George, no.
Don't be pointing the finger at
me for your issues.
Oh, no. Especially that finger.
That's the finger you
stuck inside
that little m*dget at
bingo night.
Bingo night, George!
Who in the f*ck brings a
m*dget to bingo night?
Everybody knows you bring
midgets to Tiny Taco Tuesday.
[chuckles]
No George, all of this...
is on you.
All on me?
All on me!
Willie, we used to grow that
sh*t in your parents' backyard
and tell them it was a
science experiment.
I hope everybody here knows.
Knows what George is doing here,
right?
I mean, it's obviously clear
that he's making up lies.
You know to cover up his...
"drug usage."
George...
stop the denial already.
You know what?
I think this is the perfect time
for you to admit to all these
fine people in your life
that you are really...
a KKK member.
[record scratch]
No, this ain't gonna work.
Hey guys, I think you gave
me the wrong size.
Who the f*ck are we
supposed to hate again?
[record scratch]
- It'll be okay.
- Is this fun for you?
Are you having fun with this?
'Cause you look like you're
having fun with this.
Oh, I am I'm enjoying the
hell out of this.
You know what?
You should tell them about your
superpower abilities
that you claim to have.
You know, where you go out at
night and fight crime
with your finger
blasting abilities.
[laughs]
f*ck you, Willie.
The only reason we let
you hang around us
to begin with was because
had big old t*tties.
George.
Stop with the hate already.
Come on.
That's enough with that,
you know...
you know what you need?
I know what you need.
You need to get back to
loving yourself again.
And I don't mean that kind of
love where you jerk off
every morning to pictures
of chicks from the
Buba Buba tribe that you found
in some old travel magazine
that your mom has laying around.
I know you got those magazines,
but you know, they make new
magazines of those.
I mean the t*tties still hang
down below their knees and sh*t,
but the pictures, man,
they're way glossier.
So...
you need to grab
yourself a tissue,
and get off that bumpy
road of drugs.
Those weren't scratch
and sniff pages?
Well, this has been fun
and everything,
but I think this is my
cue to leave, so...
George, wait.
What?
Don't get r*ped in rehab.
For f*ck's sake...
Willie, bar later?
Oh, you bet, buddy. Hey,
could you save me
a urinal beer if you find one?
Urinal beer: Noun, singular.
A bottled beverage
that a bar patron
brings into the men's room
and ultimately leaves there
due to being too drunk
to remember it.
Thus rendering it fair game for
whoever wants to scoop it up.
On one hand, it's probably warm,
and if it's open,
there really could be
anything in it,
depending on what night of
the week it is.
On the other, it's free.
So keep an eye out the
next time you're
in the men's room at
your favorite bar,
you might just find
yourself a urinal beer.
Well...
[sighs]
My other trips to rehab were
a lot less dramatic.
My mom still thinks I'm the drug
kingpin of the city.
Lisa...
she went off and married some
f*ck bag with deep pockets
and they had twins.
I was kind of hoping
that they would
come out all conjoined in a
TV documentary kind of way.
I know that's bad karma, but...
I'm kind of at the
bottom of the barrel
when it comes to
karma right now.
Anyway, Jared is my
as*h*le brother.
You know, I did a lot of
thinking when I was on
the inside about
the meaning of life,
why we're here.
Everyone's always
telling me about
what a role God played in
their lives and...
what is God?
Is God a he, a she,
personally I just hope that God
isn't some big, drunk
alien cruising around the cosmos
in his big mothers hip.
So what did I learn after
all this? Well...
it's hard to see the light if
you keep your eyes closed.
I don't know what that means.
It was carved into one of the
walls in the padded rooms.
[light, up-tempo music]
[knocks on door]
Come on in.
I'm Mr. Stevens.
I'm George.
Nice to meet you sir.
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah.
I'll keep this short, George,
'cause I have a dozen
things to do today.
Yes sir.
I get all the druggies...
after they get rebirthed
and I have very
little high hopes
that you're gonna
be around long.
Yes, sir.
I've heard of your issues
and you wanna get back
on your feet.
- That's a good thing!
- Yes. Yes sir.
But I personally
don't like dopers, druggies,
hippie f*ck
or anything else
that f*ck me off.
Do you understand what I'm
talking about, George?
Yes, sir. I completely
understand sir.
Personally speaking,
I've fallen off the wagon
so many times it's not
worth it to get back on.
I... was terrible at
the Oregon Trail.
That's real good, George.
The things you should
know about me
is I can become angry or
violent at any given time.
I have what they call
a short fuse.
It doesn't matter where I'm at
or what I'm doing.
I can have a little expl*si*n
at any time.
It happens a lot when
I'm on the road.
They call that road rage.
Well, I guess it's a good thing
you run a job
recruitment center then.
What, are you being a smart a*s?
No sir. No, I'm just agreeing
with you on the rage.
My wife has told me I need
to talk to someone
because my violence might be
connected to my childhood.
- Do you believe that, George?
- No, sir.
I don't believe that at all.
You seem very well
adjusted to me, sir.
So what if my old man used to
punch holes in the wall
and throw sh*t just because
things didn't go his way?
He was still a good
role model to me.
No, sir.
I completely understand, sir.
You seem very well adjusted
and your father sounds like
he was a great man.
And he raised a wonderful son.
Oh, George...
I know your daddy ran out on
you and your brother
- when you were young boys.
- No, sir.
He actually passed away.
Uh, that black lung thing.
- Was he a coal miner?
- No...
he was a smoker.
Well, the bottom line is,
he still ran out on you
and your brother.
Just because you die,
it doesn't stop you from being a
father to your children.
That's just being a p*ssy
in my opinion.
Yes, sir. I understand.
From a distance, but
I understand.
What I'm trying to say, George,
do not look at me as your job
placement director,
but as someone you
can depend on.
I'll try my best to be the
father you never had.
Well, thank you Mr. Stevens.
I really don't know what to say.
Don't say anything.
It's the same speech I
give to all the
drug heads that come in here
looking for a job.
I will set you up with
an interview.
You will attend the interview
and you'll take a position.
Do we understand each other?
Yes.
Thank you, Mr. Stevens.
Or...
do I call you daddy?
Mr. Stevens is what you call me,
and my wife wrote that
stupid a*s speech.
So don't take that to heart.
Right.
Thanks again.
g*dd*mn hippies.
[light jazzy music]
George. It's nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you too, sir.
So we have a few
positions to fill here.
Can you tell me a little
bit about yourself?
Well...
Uh, I did just get out of rehab.
I had a little bit of an
addiction to nose candy.
I do get afraid of full moons...
They make me feel a
little squirrely and
I am deathly afraid of
phallic shaped objects.
Okay, um...
George, so what motivates you?
What really gets your
blood pumping?
What are some things
that you can tell me about
yourself that way?
t*ts.
t*ts are my number
one motivator.
I've gotta make money because
you have to pay strippers
and hookers and...
women of the night.
So if you could put a nice juggy
calendar on the wall,
that would be a
great motivator for me.
Please stop looking
at my breasts.
My apologies. Sorry.
[exhales]
So, uh George,
where do you see yourself in the
next five to 10 years?
Leading a Mexican cartel.
That sounds like it
would be good.
Uh... traveling with the circus.
Maybe sparking up a romance
with the bearded lady.
I'm sorry, what?
My God, George...
we do still have a few
positions available.
Can you push a broom?
How far exactly am I
pushing this broom?
George, how do you feel
about cleaning?
Picking out the garbage,
picking up, just
janitorial stuff.
I have had some bad
experiences with...
chloroform.
So George...
can you tell me what
would make you
the best candidate for a
position here?
Well, I showed up.
That should count for something.
Do you want swig?
No?
Are we even allowed to
drink on this job?
Yeow!
[sighs]
I'm sorry, what were you saying?
George, I got a
question for you.
If you were an animal, what type
of animal would you be?
A girl's bicycle seat.
George, that's not
even an animal.
A capuchin monkey
with only three legs.
An albino zebra with
two penises.
The spider from Charlotte's Web.
I don't think you know what
you're talking about.
How do you define success,
George?
Surviving the ab*rtion.
Yeah,
janitor at high school
found me in the toilet
tank one night
after the homecoming dance.
Been on my own ever since.
George, talk to me about your
leadership skills.
Do you have any
leadership skills...
any skills?
I used to be the leader
of our neighborhood PTO...
and our neighborhood KKK.
George, you got a lot of
things on this resume,
but what is your greatest
accomplishment?
What are you most proud of?
I would have to say...
becoming a father...
to those three Amish children.
I mean...
it's okay.
I had a brother that was dropped
on his head as a child, so...
just keep going, George.
You're doing fine.
I'd have to say that my
earliest memory is
getting repeatedly poked in the
forehead with a clothes hanger.
Make of that what you will.
I hope this is checked "no,"...
but George, do you have any
questions for me?
Is there any chance I could get
paid in gold coins?
Preferably housed in a
wooden chest?
Yeah.
I'm gonna tell you
one more time:
Eyes up here.
Uh... yeah, we...
[exhales]
Yeah, we'll be in touch,
alright?
George...
can you just lead yourself
out of this interview so
we all can leave?
No, George... I will not
go out with you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you for taking the
time to speak to me.
I got the job, didn't I?
Yeah, that's what I thought.
Monday?
Noon?
[record scratch]
Do I know George and Willie?
Unfortunately, yes.
Some of the things
might be terrible.
They used to come in my
place all the time
and never pay.
Got to the point that
they'd wear costumes
and thinking I couldn't
figure it out.
One time I was having a m*dget
wrestling thing going on,
an event.
Caught 'em both in the back.
They got a hold of a m*dget
trying to hump it.
All I can see is little
legs kicking.
Kick 'em out.
They fall on the front sidewalk
and they say they're
gonna sue me.
They'll settle out of court
for a lifetime of free beer.
I settle out of court with
my baseball bat.
I hope George and Willie get
syphilis and f*cking die.
Those little corkscrew things
are the germs of syphillis.
[bluesy music]
Did you know the stomach has to
produce a new layer of mucus
every two weeks,
otherwise it'll digest itself.
My stomach,
it probably has to produce a
new layer of mucus
every 15 minutes
on account of
all the drinking I do.
But that's all good with me,
because someday...
I plan on donating my
stomach to science.
And this is George.
Well, you probably
already met the guy,
but I'm betting he
left a few things out.
You see, I highly believe George
is a bit Ret*rded.
Now, I don't say this
to be an as*h*le
or to use it as some kind of
slur. No, he's my best friend.
I love the guy
and I truly believe his
mom might have dropped
him on his head when he was
just a little baby.
Or maybe she let him suck on
those t*tties way too long.
Man, she had some nice
f*cking t*ts,
they were probably full
of whiskey or
some kind of
antidepressant or some sh*t.
I wouldn't have mind
sucking on those
t*tties myself a few times.
Hey, that gives me an idea.
Whiskey t*ts!
Who the f*ck are you talking to?
Hey, do you got the number to
the patent office?
George, where did you get that?
It was a urinal beer.
It's a freebie.
It's not even open.
Well, you still need
to pay for it.
But it's a soldier who went
down for the cause.
Trust no one when you're in
the bush, George,
especially Filipino women in
downtown Detroit.
Plus,
I know you're black
Harry Houdini ways.
Okay, well then what would you
charge me for this beer?
You're gonna pay him for a
beer you found?
Yeah. That should solve
this problem.
- It's three bucks.
- Three bucks, f*ck me! Alright,
take it outta that.
Hey, do you have a can opener
or a bottle opener?
Anything?
No. Okay.
And this is where we call home,
The bar. Well, at least any
bar to let us stay.
We're just a...
couple of lonely barflies.
There's nothing in this wallet,
George!
This online dating
thing is bullshit!
There's only two hot
singles in our area,
and one of them's your mom.
Well, the other one on there
is your mom, so...
Willie, why are we doing
this to ourselves?
We're torturing ourselves in the
middle of nowhere.
Why are we wasting our lives?
Pack and move?
I hate the beach.
Well...
George here,
even though he is a bit
mentally challenged,
he's right.
I mean, we stay here and live
the worst American dream ever.
It should be on a T-shirt.
"Welcome to Shitvale."
Worst problem here
is the women.
I mean, there's more sausages
than pies if you follow me.
Plus the other side is...
I have dating issues.
I mean...
I'm just not one to grow
roots in the same spot.
Well, I guess I kind of am.
What I'm trying to say is,
I'm not one to keep my root
in the same hole.
Follow me on this.
You see, over the years, I've
come to understand one thing.
That one thing is...
I completely don't
understand women.
I use all the great
pickup lines...
and never get any a*s!
I mean, it's gone down to
it at times where
I've just pulled out my c*ck
and said, "Look at it."
And you know what?
Still nothing.
Now I've come to understand that
we only need them for one thing,
and that one thing?
It only takes a few minutes...
at best.
Now don't get me wrong.
I've tried dating.
Hell, I've even had
several relationships,
but they never work for me.
There's the nagging
and the bitching
and more nagging and
more bitching
until I just wanna take a hammer
to their f*cking head.
If you know what I mean,
and I'm sure you do.
You know what?
Here's an example.
I'm gonna say
something really nice.
Watch how she reacts.
Hello, sweetheart,
how are you?
Hey, did you miss me and my
love m*ssile today?
Where the f*ck have you been?
I've been f*cking calling you...
- I ran out of banana pudding.
- 20 g*dd*mn times
and you haven't even picked up
the g*dd*mn phone.
- I don't.
- I swear to f*cking God.
Have you been out with some
other f*cking sl*t?
- sl*t? I've never seen.
- If you're f*cking...
some other strange
or your f*cking your friend
George in the f*cking a*s.
By the way, where the
f*ck is my money?
You f*cking know that
kid is yours.
f*cking grow a pair of ba*ls,
dude, and own up to
your f*cking mistake.
You piece of sh*t
and get a real job while
you're f*cking at it.
- f*cking piece of sh*t.
- As you can see...
I can do it out the love.
And aggravation.
you f*cking piece of sh*t.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- f*ck you.
By the way, you know your a*s
smells like sh*t?
Why don't you ever take a
f*cking shower?
Holy f*cking God.
You smell like a g*dd*mn animal.
Otherwise, you're f*cking
a dead animal.
So which is it?
You f*cking piece of sh*t.
Get the f*ck out of my way.
Piece of g*dd*mn...
- f*cking sh*t.
- As you can see...
I can't deal with that sh*t.
And I personally believe
most men can't either.
Right now, you're probably
saying to yourself,
Willie, why don't you just go
get yourself a hooker?
Or... maybe one of those
"special massages"
at one of those oriental places.
Believe me,
I thought of that.
And you know what?
Hookers?
They cost money.
Lots of money.
And I don't have any,
Ah, not for me.
Plus, you don't know where that
dirty piece of a*s has been.
Some fat lady with
stretch pants on?
f*ck that!
If I'm paying her anything,
it's to keep her
g*dd*mn clothes on.
Oh, definitely not for me.
Huh, I don't wanna get
gangrene on my d*ck.
As for those oriental
massage places?
Didn't we blow up most of
those in the w*r?
Maybe a few of them made it.
Anyway, If you want t*ts and a*s
and wanna dry hump until that
zipper rips your c*ck skin off?
Well, there's one place to go.
[no dialogue,
rock music continues]
[rock music ends]
Now this is where we come to
when we got that itch in
the old nut sack, if you
know what I mean.
Besides, dating in small town
sh*thole America?
Well, it sucks.
There is really nothing to
pick from here.
I mean, I'm about a
half a step away
from actually just ordering one
of those mail order brides.
The only issue is the shipping.
- That's a lot of stamps.
- Come on Willie.
- There's boobies to be seen.
- Oh.
Oh. Well George, did you
bring your protection?
Yeah.
Oh yes.
I have my lucky condom.
- The one from high school.
- Whoa whoa, your lucky condom.
Yes.
The one from high school.
When you're done with it...
You put your thumbs down inside.
Roll it.
Why are you looking at me like
that? It's not funny.
You're telling me you reuse
the same condom?
Yes, Willie. It's like putting
back on a wet bathing suit.
Don't you have your
lucky condom?
No. No, I don't.
Why not?
Besides, condoms are for
people who care.
Let's get in there.
[disco music]
I would snort my mother's ashes
off of that one's t*ts.
- Your mom's still alive.
- I said what I said.
Ooooh...
I found my future mistake.
[disco music continues]
Mommy?
Finally, a girl I can
take home to mom!
- Hey.
- Hey, you look familiar.
Oh no, I have a twin on stage.
That's why I look
familiar to you.
Ah, yeah.
Would you like a lap dance?
I want to take you away
from all of this.
Hey, I got an idea.
Let's get married.
Have babies? And then we'll...
get a house with a white picket
fence and a little doggy.
Oh and a 401K plan.
'Cause we're adults!
And health insurance,
Sunday dinners.
And then we'll go on
those vacations
where we can stroll on the
beach together.
Yeah, let's live that dream.
Until I can't take it
and I go on a k*lling spree
starting with you,
and then I'm gonna get that
hairy Yeti b*tch that tried
to give me syphilis
and then finally...
end up at some remote mall
where the cops g*n me down.
OK yeah, let's just start
with a lap dance.
Ah, very good.
Hey, I love you by the way.
- Do you wanna see them?
- Yes. Yes I would.
Tip please.
Oh yeah, of course.
One second..
See what I got here...
Really?
Got a couple of
scratch offs here.
One of those has
gotta be a winner.
Uh... beer chip.
That's for a bottle.
Probably domestic.
Let's see here.
We got an Indian wooden nickel
that should work at any casino.
[light harp music]
Hey. Say...
do you do any of those...
m*dget shows or,
you know, one of those
donkey shows?
What? No.
Wait.
[faint growling noise]
Did you hear that?
Hear what?
That... that sound right there.
I've heard this before.
I don't hear anything.
It sounds
like a gremlin on crack
and it's coming
from there.
What are you talking about?
It's a crotch goblin
and it's living right in there.
Right in there!
Listen to me and listen
to me carefully.
You need a vag*na exorcism
and you need it done
immediately.
It's a good thing I'm
a specialist.
We shall save your soul...
and that vag*na.
This is... a missing
children's poster.
I don't know why I have it.
This isn't you, is it?
Kind of looks like you,
do you have daddy issues?
Anyways, sorry.
Last but not least here.
Looks like we got a
treasure map.
I never went and looked for it.
I'm not allowed to use
metal detectors.
You know, the plate in my head.
[disco music continues]
No, you don't understand.
You need a c*ck goblin exorcism
and my c*ck power will send that
demon straight back to hell!
[record scratch]
You both got syphillis!
I don't think that was
completely necessary.
[Willie grunts]
I could have got that
crotch goblin for ya!
We'd like to take a moment
right now to thank
good old Uncle Harvey
for providing the producer
of this fine film
with those exquisite boobies,
tatas, knockers, whatever you
like to call them,
those beautiful globes of
visual stimulation.
Thanks Uncle Harvey.
You're one of the good ones,
but we do so much better
here on Rufie Night.
Me tunin' all over the
f*cking place.
Let's get back to the bar.
Here's a little advice from
your Uncle Willie.
Date the stripper...
but never knock up the stripper.
That's sound advice.
Where the hell have you been?
To go and address the
issues with society
and the lack of vag*na
in this area.
Did you see her?
- Who?
- Her!
[uptempo pop music]
- Oh...
- Willie, back off.
I saw her first.
She's my future wife.
No way.
She's my future first divorce.
By the end of the night,
she's gonna have
my initials tattooed on
her inner thigh.
Yeah.
In my jizz.
- Are we doing this?
- You know it.
May the best line win.
Hi.
Let's play
"f*ck, marry, k*ll"...
Me, Hitler, or me again?
All those answers are
pretty obvious.
You could be a n*zi
for all I know.
How about a game of
20 questions?
- You go first.
- Okay, fine.
Easy one.
What is your favorite food?
Italian food.
- My turn.
- Okay.
Have you ever had a*s sex?
No, I have not.
Alright, fine.
Tell me one of your
secret fantasies.
a*s sex.
Me again.
My friend over there would
really like your phone number.
That way he knows where to
reach me in the morning.
Hey, I'm no weatherman...
but you can expect more than a
few inches from me tonight.
Oh...
All right. Short and sweet.
Let's go halves on a baby.
No.
So do you come here often or...
do you wait until you get home?
[gags]
I am gonna masturbate
later and I'd
really like a name to go
with the face.
My God!
God it is.
Here's the thing, I'm gonna have
sex with you tonight.
You may as well be there.
In your dreams.
Hey, it's better than nothing.
Hell, one time I saved
a Filipino girl
by jumping on top of her.
Ugh!
I'm in a relationship.
I got a math test tomorrow.
What does that have to do
with anything?
I thought we were talking about
things we were gonna cheat on.
- Is your name Emerson?
- No.
That's strange, because
Emerson nice t*tties.
Oh...
All right, all right, all right.
I will bet you $500 that you
will not sleep with me.
Do you even have $500?
No. No I do not.
Uh huh. Bye.
You must be an
American school...
because I'd really like to sh**t
some kids inside of you.
What the f*ck is wrong with you?
Man, Pastor Brown said that
sh*t would work.
Ah, wait. He goes from a
different age group... sh*t.
Hey lady. How about
just some c*ck?
Usual stuff's not working,
Willie.
Are you thinking what
I'm thinking?
- Duct tape?
- What? No.
- Yes.
- No!
She's lost that loving feeling,
George.
- No she hasn't.
- Yes.
Yes she has.
I hate when they do that.
A 5, 6, 7, 8...
If I promise to be quick
oh darling won't you
suck my d*ck?
I'll close my eyes.
Curl my toes
probably get some on
your clothes.
Oh, darling won't you
suck my d*ck.
And when you slam those
t*ts together,
I could tit-f*ck
you forever.
'Cause I'm one
horny b*stard.
Goddammit, George, you never
let me do my part!
Have you ever had your
assholes licked
by a skinny skank with no
gag reflex and
some serious daddy issues?
No.
God no.
Secret fantasy number two.
And you two never will.
That's why I'm a l*sbian.
Uh... lesbo?
Why in the f*ck would you let
us waste our time on you?
You...
You she devil!
Lesbo.
Yes, George.
One of those... those
those flying monkeys,
the old wise men used
to come down and tell us about.
Why, God?
Why God must you...
do this to us!
It's like running through hell
with gasoline underwear on.
[tape rewind sound]
Oh, and I hope you both
get syphilis.
[door closes.
[George chuckles]
Lesbo.
She might think she's
a lesbo now,
but before you know it,
she's gonna be back playing
for the team that
swings with the biggest bats.
And then she'll end up married.
She'll have a loving husband
living in her lovely
leafy London loft.
Yeah. The l*sbian thing?
It's just a phase.
All it's gonna take is one more
trip on that d*ck, and...
she's going to be married
to that pogo stick.
f*cking A!
Here are some fun facts about
lesbians you might not know.
One, all lesbians are good
with power tools.
Two,
most lesbians don't scissor as
much as you think they would.
And three,
lesbians don't usually squirt.
And I think that's just sad.
[in unison]
Amen.
[light comedic music]
It is not even doing drugs
that's the problem.
It's gathering the supplies.
I mean, do you really think
you can just go down to your
local supermarket
and pick up everything you need
to cook for that night?
It's not that easy.
I mean, you can get
k*lled for just even
buying the cooking supplies.
So...
doing drugs is not really a job.
It's more of an adventure.
Otis, it's George.
Yeah?
Oh. Otis, it's George.
Don't you remember?
- George?
- Yeah.
George.
George how are you?
- I'm good. How are you?
- Good.
Hey, are you here to
buy some cookies?
"Cookies" is slang for pretty
much any drug you want.
Yeah. I'm here to
purchase some cookies.
Come on in.
Wipe your feet.
[wipes feet]
Really?
Look, Cecil. Look who's here.
It's George.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Don't sit on Cecil.
Jesus. I'm sorry, Cecil.
Cecil... shut the f*ck up!
God. Damnit. Cecil!
No, Cecil.
It was the horse
who had syphilis.
So what brings you around?
I haven't seen you in a while.
- Rehab.
- Oh yeah?
Did you see anybody in
there I would know?
Yeah. Probably everybody there.
Cool.
I should probably
visit sometime.
Ah... okay. Anyway, Otis,
you wouldn't happen to have any
of the dream left, would you?
California Dream.
Dreaming of California.
California Dream.
Otis!
Otis!
Hmm?
The dream?
Oh yeah. It's back here.
Follow me.
It's not here.
I had a whole bag of California.
It was right in here.
Are you sure you didn't just put
it somewhere else?
No, no. Right here I had it.
You know they're always trying
to rip me off, George.
Just calm down. It's gotta
be here somewhere.
Calm down? It had a big
f*cking X on it.
You don't see it, do you?
No Otis, I don't see it.
It was Cecil. Had to be.
Cecil? How could it be Cecil?
He's imaginary.
He doesn't exist.
He's not real.
Persona non grata.
Are you calling me a liar?
How could it possibly be Cecil?
He's imaginary.
He doesn't exist.
The doctors have told you
time and time again.
The stoners just want more.
He probably just snuck in here
when I wasn't looking.
Or maybe you did it.
Have you lost your g*dd*mn mind?
I have been with you
since the second
I walked through that door.
Then it must have been Cecil.
I'm not f*cking around, George.
I'm gonna go ask him.
Jesus, Otis.
Did you f*cking rip me off?
Did you rip me off?
Oh Jesus Otis.
It couldn't have been Cecil.
Okay?
Just put the g*n down please.
Yes you did.
Stand up, empty your pockets.
Turn around, drop your pants.
Spread,
tuck it back.
All the f*cking way back!
Otis how many times
do we have to tell you?
Cecil's not real.
Put the g*n down.
You're gonna put holes
in the couch.
I'm so sorry, Cecil.
It was a joke.
I was just kidding around.
Otis, who's gonna rip you off?
Nobody would ever think
to rip you off.
I'll tell you what, I'll go
make you some waffles
and then we'll go do a
home invasion.
How does that sound?
Y'know, plans from back long ago
when they wanted to get rid of
their undesirables,
they torched their homes.
I'd be willing to bet that
throughout the years,
a lot of people have tried to
reduce this house to ash.
But that's the kinda sh*t a
junkie's gotta go through.
If they want to get their fix.
You can't just walk
next door and
ask your neighbor anymore.
So the next time you're at the
local watering hole and
you see two people ripping lines
off of the bathroom sink
spare a thought for them because
it probably wasn't easy.
They probably spent their last
dime to get that fix.
Besides, if you can't
trust your friends,
who can you trust?
Off to the bar!
[Irish music plays]
Did you know that on average,
12 newborns are
given to the wrong
parents daily.
I keep thinking that maybe
I'm one of those 12
and my real parents are gonna
one day come and find me.
It's been over 40 years and
I'm still waiting.
Life is just one big cruel joke,
isn't it?
Go away., you fairy f*ck.
There's no fairies out here.
It's just Willie.
Bloody hey, there's no fairies.
Just f*cking g*y Willies!
Anyway, did a bird happen to
shite on you out there?
No, not that I'm aware of.
It's too bad.
It's good luck.
It's Irish tradition.
Ah, I had a fat chick one time
get excited that I was gonna
bang her and she sh*t herself.
Does that count?
No, it has to be a bird,
by the way...
Who's the black c**t you
brought with you?
Black c**t?
My shadow?
No, he's not gonna stir
any sh*t now, is he?
I don't know. Hey, just
don't let your
fat white teenage daughter
out right now at the moment, if
you know what I mean.
Hey, I do know what you mean.
Why don't ya throw yourself some
f*cking food stamps down the
alleyway and come on in.
So let me ask you a question.
Have you ever jerked off or
played with yourself
to a picture of your mom when
she's a wee lass?
No. Just George's mom.
Ah, George's mom. I remember
that. Had a p*ssy...
It smelled like warm piss...
- And potato salad.
- It did.
Ay! Anyway.
Anyway, so have you ever
wrestled another man and
gotten a hard c*ck,
maybe a b*ner of sorts?
Well, there was this one time I
was having a dream.
- I was like a Viking.
- Aye.
Lots of raping and
pillaging in those days.
- Pillaging.
- But I kind of got
confused in the moment.
- I understand that.
- Body on body action and
I didn't know what was going on.
It's kind of like there was
guys dressed in dresses
like you wear.
Ay! You got a problem
with my kilt?
I didn't say I have a
problem with it.
I'm just saying...
when you're wearing a
dress, it was distracting.
You should see what's
under these kilts.
And I kind of got
a little bit of a chub, chub.
I don't blame you there.
But yellow man... Yellow's
really not my...
Is that a dead hooker?
Aye, I don't know that.
Oh, maybe. She hasn't moved
in a few hours.
Why, would you like to
stick your f*cking
nut butter in her love muffin?
Or maybe a guy like
you would like
to rub his nose in the wrinkles
of her f*cking stinks there?
I could warm her up in
the oven for you,
but it'll f*cking cost you.
Nah, I'm good on the oven bag,
Tucker.
Hey, I'm just here for a bag
of the good stuff.
Aye, the good stuff.
Well, why don't you try your
luck there, you short f*ck.
How about we go for the
bottle of the whiskey?
Are you in for a competition?
- I suppose so.
- Aye.
You f*cking c**t.
How's that golden shower?
k*lling you about your b*tch?
Oh yeah.
Name the bet, potato-head.
All right, if I win Willie,
you pay double
for the bag of the good stuff.
Plus you have to bury
my dead hooker.
I knew she was a hooker.
That'll be the second time I
have to bury her.
Fine.
But if I win, I get a bag of
the good stuff for free.
And I get pictures of your mom.
But when she was
younger and less fat,
she had those nice f*cking t*ts.
And you don't have that?
Christ, I thought you did.
That's fine.
But if you're f*cking
head hits the table I win.
Deal. But if your ball's hit
the ground, I win.
What the Irishman doesn't know
is that over the years, I
subjected myself to
excessive amounts of alcohol,
which has led to the
development of
chronic diseases and other
serious problems,
including high blood pressure,
heart disease,
strokes, liver disease,
and digestive problems.
Basically,
I'm already dead.
Let's go.
Aye.
But with f*cking Willie here,
doesn't know?
I've got no liver.
I'm f*cking Irish
and Scottish.
It's a f*cking pararuckery of
like what they would call Irish
stupid Paris.
That, and I was born with an
Irish titty in the mouth.
Christ, you can't stop a
f*cking Irish car b*mb.
So let the f*cking games begin.
f*cking c**t.
[light melodic music]
I win, you lose, you f*ck'
potato head
f*ck' Irishman mother f*ck.
That means I get a free round
with the dead hooker.
I don't even think I'm going to
bother even burying her.
f*ck yeah!
We are the greatest
Bigfoot hunters
in the state of Pennsylvania.
Well, at least that's
what my wife says.
She's an expert in everything.
She thinks she knows everything.
Anyway...
Some of the things might
look terrible.
We finally track the beast
to an open field.
My wife says she's
mated with Bigfoot
on several occasions
and says his
p*nis is pink like a
dog's red rocket.
Your wife needs therapy
and medication for the lack of
attention she got as a child.
My wife is very well known in
the Bigfoot community.
She's asked to speak
at many events
due to her in depth knowledge of
the great Bigfoot.
Your wife needs to
wear a helmet.
Seriously.
Anyway,
we've tracked the beast
to an open field.
Got a spotlight on him.
Trying to take some perfect,
non-blurry photos.
Just about to when these two
assholes, George and Willie,
- ran into the shot.
- Completely nude.
No clothes on.
Unlike my wife,
who I wish would keep her
clothes on and stop talking.
Then George and Willie got
the bright idea.
They were going to do the
helicopter with their man meats.
It scared the Bigfoot off.
He ran off, pink pecker,
flopping in the wind.
So we never got our photos,
nor did we become rich,
famous, or get our own
Bigfoot TV show.
We can only hope that
George and Willie both get
syphilis and die.
Syphillis?
Leonardo da Vinci was the one
who invented multitasking.
He could draw with one hand and
write with the other at
the same time.
Hence, mul... ti-tasking.
Now, if only I could apply that
method whilst masturbating.
George!
Lisa!
Oh my God, how are you?
I'm good, I'm good.
How are you?
You know, living.
How is the family?
How are the kids?
The kids are good. Growing
bigger and bigger every day.
I'm glad to see they
haven't sucked you dry.
Oh, shut up, George.
Come on, sit down.
Have a drink with me.
I really shouldn't, George.
Come on, just one.
It'll piss him off and that's
going to make my day.
Come on.
I won't take no for an answer.
One.
Quick one.
Lisa felt like that favorite
pair of shoes you have.
They always seemed to
fit perfectly.
It was great to see her
after a f*cked up day.
This was a game her and I used
to play when we came to the bar.
Basically, we drank until
our brains went numb and
tried to come up with the most
f*cked up statements.
She usually came up with
the best ones, but
I just loved debating with her.
Just sitting here and
looking into those eyes
brought back some
great memories.
It actually made my heart warm
and made me feel fuzzy inside.
Or that warm and fuzzy
feeling could be
that I just pissed myself.
It's hard to say.
The only things I can think
of that are truly
discriminatory are
things like the
United n*gro College Fund.
I mean, you try having something
called the United h*nky
College Fund.
See how that works out.
24 hour news
and reality TV?
All fake.
Pro wrestling?
Real as f*ck.
Okay, that's it.
I am officially tapping out and
that means you win.
God, I love you.
George, I got the old
man's Jeep...
You... you wanna...
go find a back road at
that sweet spot?
Yeah, yeah I do.
Wait, wait, wait.
Does this mean we're f*cking?
- If you hurry up and let's go.
- Okay.
Let's get out of here.
[film projector running]
[uptempo polka music]
Did you know that a pig can
orgasm for up to 30 minutes?
No sh*t.
That's really all
I've got for ya.
But hey,
I got to hook up with an old ex.
Still got it.
So I guess the only
thing left to do is
chase that sweet
California dream.
Okay, keep it cool.
You're holding... not one word.
George, is that you?
Oh, hey Suzie. How
are you doing?
I'm okay, you know.
Hey, do you got a dollar?
Unfortunately not. I'm broke as
a joke. I'm looking for a job.
Yeah, me too.
I just lost mine.
I can't make it there on time.
Hey, you holding?
Sorry, I just got out of rehab,
but I'm clean as a whistle.
Rehab?
I should go.
I'm kind of homeless right now.
- Homeless?
- Yeah, I lost my job.
My kid's taken away.
But hey, uh...
you got anything?
I'm really itching, y'know?
No, I'm sorry. Uh...
I have found the light and I'm
once again straight.
Well, do you want to f*ck me?
Get your d*ck sucked?
a*s licked?
Anything?
I just need a few bucks.
I'd be lying if I didn't say
I was curious about what
the going rate is.
Whatever you got, man.
10 bucks? 20 bucks?
Whatever you got.
Inflation.
Yeah, times are tough.
Well, if you find anything, will
you let me know?
I'm living down under the
railroad bridge.
- Yeah, I can do that.
- Great.
- Hey, Suzie.
- Yeah, George?
Take care.
Take care of yourself.
Yeah, just trying to
survive this sh*thole.
It's sad.
She was the homecoming queen.
She was top five in our
graduating class.
She was Ms. Popular.
But...
once you get that devil
in your veins,
it's pretty much game over.
I mean, she's got a
dozen kids and
at least a dozen ab*rtion
on top of that.
Years later,
we would find her at
the end of her rope
underneath that very
same bridge.
There's always so many
questions and
never any answers.
So,
with that said, I think
it's time for me
to have my own out of
body experience.
[somber music]
- Did you score?
- I did, I did.
I almost had to sh**t
some people,
but I did score.
What about you?
- Did you score?
- I did score.
But I almost had to bury a dead
hooker.
Shall we?
To the almighty drunk gods!
Yeah!
[slow-paced music]
[music continues]
Whew! That was wild.
Crocodiles and alligators are
surprisingly fast on land.
Although they're rapid,
they aren't very agile.
So if you ever find yourself
being chased by one,
just run in a zigzag
line to lose it.
You can also use this
on fat girls who are drunk and
want to r*pe you late at night.
Remember, zigzag.
I found Jesus!
Oh, that's great, George.
So you're like, born again?
Hey, you should go
pray to some rattlesnakes.
They'll help you find Jesus.
No, what I mean is, I
found Jesus.
So you went to Jerusalem
and dug him up.
It's going to piss off some
people, George.
- Just saying.
- No, what I mean is,
I found Jesus,
tied him up, and put
him in the basement.
How much of that sh*t
did you take?
A lot. I'm probably
still tripping.
Well, there you have it, George.
You're still tripping.
No worries.
You'll calm down and
everything will be fine.
Are you sure?
Because I don't think so.
I looked outside.
I saw him hitchhiking.
So I went outside and
tasered him.
You tasered our Lord and Savior?
I think I did.
I thought that if I walked out
there and tasered him,
I would get three wishes.
Like a genie.
Yeah, something like that.
Can you do me a favor and just
go down there and
give him a look see?
I'm really freaking out.
sh*t, yeah.
I want some wishes, too.
I'm going to wish for
a big pizza,
some chalupas, all the banana
cream pudding I can eat,
and a few hookers for both of us
that don't charge.
f*ck yeah! Let's do this,
George!
After I finish this first.
And then we're going to
get right on it.
Well, I decided to
keep him here.
You know, for safekeeping.
What is that, George?
I pray to God it's nothing.
Well, I want my wishes.
Whoa, man. Those
lights are bright.
Where'd you go last night?
We were tripping ba*ls and then
sh*t got weird with
the duct tape.
Oh my God!
You... you kidnapped
Jesus Christ!
sh*t! I didn't mean to!
- Jesus!
- I was f*cked up, Willie!
Jesus Christ, it's really you!
You dudes got any beer or weed?
Whichever comes first.
- Well get him a beer, George.
- Okay
You take care of this
tape you got me in?
Yeah, will do.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't undo the tape yet,
Willie.
He's just going to go
to the cops. No offense.
Then we've got to k*ll him.
No, we can't k*ll him either.
He'll just come back
in three days.
Wait.
I know what we can do.
Beer.
Somebody beer me.
Peasants.
Now before I untape you, Big J,
can we get some
information off of you?
Oh, you want to know the
secrets of the universe?
No, actually. We were just
hoping you'd drink the beer
and forget this ever happened.
Shut up, George.
Yeah.
Tell us what the winning
lottery numbers
are going to be for the week.
Man, my dad won't even tell me
the winning lottery numbers.
But I can tell you a few things
that will blow your mind,
but I don't drink alone.
What do you say, George?
Yeah, fine.
Yeah!
[rock music plays]
Now, my sons, listen
to my wisdom
and escape with me into the
liquid of the gods.
[rock song continues]
f*ck, you guys are a good time.
Hey, we should get some hookers
up in here, Big J.
What do you think of that, huh?
I got a better idea.
Woo!
I got this sh*t from
Escobar himself.
It's k*ller sh*t.
I totally agree, J.
This is hands down the best
sh*t I've ever had.
I'm going to end up back in
rehab for this,
but I'm okay with that.
Oh, yeah.
f*ck, this is a good time.
You guys know what
we need to do?
Get free hookers.
Nah, road trip.
Let's get f*cked up and see
where the road takes us.
Oh, we are so f*cking screwed.
Come on, let's go, George.
Besides,
I don't think we've got anything
better to do around here.
Come on.
All right, I guess.
If Jesus says it's okay,
- Jesus... Christ.
- Road trip.
Yeah, that's the Holy Spirit.
This is great.
I love getting f*cked up and
blacking out for days
and not knowing where I've been.
Yeah, that's a pretty
common theme with us.
Jesus, what should we do first?
We need to get some road money.
Why don't you guys go
hot wire that car?
I'll be right back.
Do you know how to
hot wire a car?
[g*nshots]
f*ck, f*ck, f*ck. Willie, think
of something quick.
Yeah, this sh*t is crazy.
I don't know if this is
really happening
or if I'm just f*cked up.
Well...
I mean, he is Jesus.
Hey...
we need to get some
more coke off him
before we decide anything.
Ooh, that did not go smoothly.
Bit of a mess in there.
Hey, I thought I told you guys
to hot wire that car.
Yeah, we don't know
how to do that.
Say, J, why don't you just
go in the house and
get their keys?
Keys, hmmm.
That's a good idea.
Yeah, that would work a
lot better for us.
Either of you guys
need a blender?
I saw one of those top of the
line, as seen on TV
blenders in there.
No? No?
Alright, you're missing out.
f*ck, Willie, think
of something.
What are we going to do?
I can't even feel my face.
It's...
not even there.
Well, I think we should probably
make a break for it.
I'm thinking he'd find us.
I could be wrong.
But he's probably like a higher
power radar detector.
Boop, boop.
[g*nshots]
Ooh, glad I went back in there.
There was one still kicking.
Squirrely b*stard.
Got the keys right here.
Jesus, we can't go with you.
Stupid. Damn it, Jesus. Stupid.
I always do this when I
meet new people.
Nah, it's all good.
Look, you're a great guy, J.
It's just George and I,
we need some time to let the
relationship grow.
Father, damn it.
You guys are missing a golden
opportunity here.
What can I say?
We're very lazy people.
But hey, could you leave us a
little bit of that Papo Escobar
sugar before you go?
Oh, so I give you drugs and you
guys are my friends,
but I want you to go on a
road trip with me
and suddenly you're not down.
I'm only good enough
when you need me,
just like when you pray.
No, it's not like that.
We're just scared to
death at the moment.
Too much at once?
Yeah, you really came
on too hard.
Oh, all right.
You guys are cool dudes.
Are we still homies?
sh*t, yeah.
Like a nail and hammer.
Well, considering the
mess I made,
I better get going.
But tell you what,
let's get together in
December for my birthday.
It'll be the b*mb.
Game plan.
Hey, and don't forget to
bring your drugs.
It's not a party without them.
December it is.
Awesome.
Just awesome.
All right. Well, if you guys
change your minds...
[thunderclap]
- Fuuuck!
- Oh my God!
That's not good!
Should we...
We grab his drugs? Yes!
No, I mean should we run?
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, we should get out of here.
Hey, you didn't see us here,
and for the record,
we're not Jewish.
Hey, I'm Kurt, and this is
Neighborhood Watch.
And turn out to be terrible.
Do you know George and Willie,
I take it?
Oh, I know those two.
You were telling me...
after they leave the bar,
what do they do?
sh*t.
sh*t in my yard.
Okay, I got No
Trespassing signs up.
I got No Pooping signs up.
The guys must be illiterate
or dumb as sh*t,
because that's what
they're doing.
Every night after the bar,
they choose my...
yard.
It's the only one on the
street with a yard.
I don't know if they're
feral or what,
but they just pick my yard to
do their business.
The one night I come home,
the one of them,
I don't know which one,
he's sitting here, squatting,
asked me for a newspaper
while he's going.
I'm in my flashlight, looking,
and there he is.
And he asks me for a newspaper.
I know what's been said,
but I don't hope George and
Willie die of syphilis.
I hope they die of
Crohn's disease.
This is Neighborhood Watch.
I'm here watching
for crime.
I'm not here to watch
them take a sh*t.
I've got some sort of
sore down there.
Oh, well, don't worry about it.
It's probably just a
pimple or something.
The same thing happened to me,
and it cleared up all by itself.
[light orchestral music]
Still no job?
I'm done with you.
What?
I'm fired?
You need a job to be fired from!
Mr. Stevens, I assure you.
Shut up.
Shut up your crack smoking face.
Mr. Stevens, I've been going
to every interview
you've set up for me.
Oh, you have?
But you haven't been hired
from one of them.
Not one of them!
A monkey can do these jobs.
Why can't you be a monkey?
I don't know?
Maybe I'm more like a sloth.
Shut up, George.
Just shut up.
Let's talk about the
hooker you were with
behind the building on your last
interview.
I thought it was part of the
interview process!
Woo! Did you eat paint
chips as a kid?
I ate something bad that day.
Out, out of my office.
Out now!
Mr. Stevens, please...
can't you find me a job?
Even if it's only
just a few hours
a month.
Out, you're free to go f*ck
every hooker you want.
Now get out.
You need a hooker!
Get out crack head,
and take your herpes with you.
I hope you die of syphilis!
[light, fun music]
Most lipstick
contains fish scales.
Did you know that?
It's been a long time
since I've had
fish scales all over my body.
Of course, there was that one
lady of the night who offered
her services in exchange
for a cheeseburger.
We all love our bad habits.
[sighs]
Well...
I just got my soul crushed,
so...
might as well get my
heart crushed too.
George.
What are you
doing here?
I just needed to see you again.
George.
Don't show up here again.
Stop showing up at my house.
I'm done. Do you hear me?
Don't do it again.
Go to the bar.
Not here.
Why?
Is your husband home?
No, but the neighbors are,
and they like to to talk.
So get outta here.
I just got fired from my job.
You know, the job
placement center.
That doesn't surprise me...
now, goodbye.
Wait, what about the
other night?
The other night?
Nothing happened, George,
do you hear me?
Nothing happened.
I just need somebody
to talk to, Lisa.
Go to the bar, George...
you got a lot of friends there.
You know, for a
moment I thought...
You thought what? That I
would leave my husband
and my kids and go
run off with you
on some drug-fueled adventure?
Hmm. I'm sorry. I
don't think so.
It was a mistake.
Yeah.
Yeah, I understand.
Hey...
do you think you and I would...
still be together if I
wasn't such a f*ck up?
I don't know George.
Things change.
Yeah.
Love doesn't always come
with diamonds.
Yeah, George.
Love comes with accountability.
Well...
I guess there really is no point
in living in the past.
No, George...
I guess not.
Take care.
You take care too.
[sad guitar music]
[tape rewind noise]
Lisa wasn't always a cold,
heartless, gold digger.
Sometimes she wore a sweater.
I know I'm the one who her heart
cries out for, but she'd rather
repress it.
She'd rather live a life
that's completely...
what's the word,
bereft of honesty.
Still...
I can't say I wouldn't kick
myself to the curb
for some financial stability,
and...
most women hate playing
relationship Russian roulette.
No, no, no.
You know what?
f*ck him, f*ck his
money and f*ck
her for lying to everybody,
especially herself.
I hope she gets crushed
under that 500 pound f*cking
fat welder husband of hers.
And has to scratch and eat
her way to safety.
All in all, only one
concept to be mastered.
sh*t runs downhill.
[music intensifies]
Mom should have swallowed you.
Get up, you piece of sh*t.
Why? What for?
So you can just
stand there and tell me
what a loser I am.
f*ck you, George.
Are you on the dope again?
No.
Now leave me alone.
I f*cking warned you about
what I would do.
If I found you were on
the dope again!
I've heard this story before.
Just walk out and
leave me alone.
Jared.
You think I wanna be down here?
No. The old lady told
me I should.
Why? So you could visit me?
Is it Christmas already?
No, because mom passed
away this morning!
What?
Yeah,
she died in her sleep.
Just get your head
outta your a*s.
[sad guitar music]
f*ck, I hate you!
[sad melodic song]
This was something I
wasn't prepared for.
A mountain of sh*t had
been dropped on me.
I could feel it coming and...
there was nothing I could
do to stop it.
I felt horrible inside knowing
that I hadn't seen my mother
since I got out of rehab.
I didn't even make an
attempt to go see her.
The last time I saw her
was at home and I was packing
to leave for rehab.
She packed some extra junk food
in my suitcase and
she told me to get well
and now she's gone
and I never had a chance to say
goodbye to her.
I couldn't even pull myself to
go to the funeral.
So...
I did what I do best.
I got wasted.
[sad music continues]
After a three day drug binge,
I thought I would wake up with
the worst headache ever.
Actually, I wasn't sure if
I'd wake up at all.
But I did wake up, and I woke up
with peace of mind.
Was it from waking up on a park
bench? I'm not sure.
I do know that the sun and the
fresh air was something
I hadn't felt in years,
but then it hit me.
There was a reason I was
waking up here.
I am not a religious person,
but...
for some reason, everything
made sense for once.
I can't really explain it.
It's like a light bulb was
turned on for the first time in
my brain and I knew
what I had to do.
What I realized in that moment
is that everything
can change if we
have a sense of motivation
to make the change.
You see,
we can do anything we
want in this world.
We can either be pissed off and
angry at the world
while the parade
passes us by, or...
we can take part in it and show
the world what we're made of.
We can all be motivated.
The question is, what
motivates us?
For some of us it's money,
power, or drugs,
but what I've come
to learn is that a g*n
pointed at someone's ba*ls is
one hell of a motivation tool.
I know there are times in our
lives when we forget about
the path that we chose and
wander down unfamiliar paths.
But for some reason,
all those roads just lead back
in the same direction,
so why bother with the detour?
And the next day,
each of those souls
that you motivated
will wake up with a new
look on their face.
And others will find a
reason to stay on
that righteous path,
because once again,
it has meaning.
They'll find a new
direction to walk and
stop with self
destructive habits.
And I'll feel better
knowing that I can say,
f*ck you for firing me,
f*ck you for not being a friend,
and f*ck you for not
loving me anymore.
But saying "f*ck you"
doesn't change anything,
it's just a waste of breath.
What I did was more
than just words.
It was an action that will act
like a never ending wave,
and for once I can look back and
say I did something
good with myself.
I changed things for the better,
or at least I tried.
[soft guitar music fades]
[soft upbeat music]
I scared some people today.
Oh yeah?
Felt good.
Did you dress up scary?
No, with a g*n.
Just look at us, George.
Cursed from birth, it seems.
I mean, can you honestly think
of a single moment in your life
where either one of
us was on top?
I always picked last
in this game of life.
I never brought any
trophies home.
We've never been winners at
anything, George.
It's as if the...
the universe or something
singled us out as a couple
punching bags, y'know?
I mean, I was thinking
the other day,
every good memory we have,
did you know we were
either high or drunk?
And couldn't we really trust
that those were even good times?
I've got nothing to show for
my life, George.
Nothing.
Look, Willie...
we've been friends for a
long time, right?
Sometimes all you need
is each other.
I mean, yeah, this town sucks,
right?
But we have each other.
I mean, that's what friends do,
right? They...
they keep each other afloat.
It is a joy...
to be hidden...
but a disaster not to be found.
I read that on a T-shirt once,
but I couldn't stop
thinking about it
for days.
It was like it was on a
loop in my head,
it haunted me...
Y'know, we've stayed
hidden here, George,
and though it's been real fun
being left alone from the
the sh*t of the outside world,
no one's ever gonna find
out who we are,
and I think...
what bothers me...
the most...
is I don't think...
I don't think I ever
will either.
[soft contemplative music]
[door kicked in]
I knew it, you
f*cking c*cksucker!
I just couldn't do it, Jared.
You couldn't pull yourself away
from your f*cking dope,
not to even see your
mother be buried.
I don't remember her that way.
You're just a pile of sh*t!
I told you I'd put a b*llet in
your f*cking brain
if I found out you were on the
dope again.
Oh, Jared, what are
you gonna do?
Are you really gonna
sh**t your brother?
I don't have a f*cking brother.
Just a g*dd*mn problem
for 15 years.
Just a f*cking mess that
won't be cleaned up.
Jared,
I found my peace.
So if you're gonna sh**t, sh**t.
[g*nsh*t]
Jared? Jared?
Otis, you f*cking shot him!
You f*cking shot him!
Come on, Jared.
He was pointing a g*n at you,
George.
And he broke my door.
Okay, Willie?
Willie, I need help.
Get over here!
Willie?
That was my favorite door.
[g*nshots]
[g*n drops on floor]
Willie?
Come on, Willie. Come on!
Okay, here we go. Come on,
Willie. Whatever you do,
don't go towards the light!
Please.
I gotta get you out of here.
Come on.
No, that's not gonna work.
No, that's really
not gonna work.
Okay, come on. We gotta go.
Oh, Jesus, you're heavier
than you look.
Come on, Willie.
[unintelligle grunting]
All right, buddy, we're
almost there.
We're almost there, just a
little bit more!
Okay, this is good.
Oh... don't go
towards the light!
Stay with me, Willie.
God damn it.
Okay Willie, here we go.
Are you ready?
All right.
Come on, buddy.
Just stay with me.
All right, Willie.
Ready?
Yeah, come on.
What else do I need?
I got it.
Okay. Light... no!
I'm coming!
Okay...
If this doesn't work...
I don't know what will.
[light airy music]
And I'm still waiting on
that ride home.
Even though I know it's
never coming.
My family's dead, and...
I'm gonna have to learn to
live with that.
My best friend, dead.
Taken by the drug gods
way too soon.
So...
what did I learn from this trip
being on the outside? Well...
I learned that no
matter what I do,
I'll never be able
to change this
f*cked up, mean, crazy
world that's just full of sh*t,
sh*t, and more sh*t.
Maybe one day I'll be able
to look back and
say that I changed things
for the better.
That something I did mattered.
Who knows?
I mean, if you're watching this,
then I have to
have made some
sort of progress, right?
And...
I guess even if you want to wipe
your a*s with this movie,
at least I can say, I was glad
to be of service.
Yeah.
I'm glad to be of service.
[upbeat guitar strumming]
[record scratch, rewind noise]
[Willie breathes heavily]
Oh, sh*t! George!
I just saw a light at the end
of a long tunnel!
f*ck, though.
It was too g*dd*mn far to walk.
Never mind.
Whew! Oh, man.
There's gotta be something, huh?
Oh, pudding!
I knew I had a couple
of these left.
I love bad pudding.
Mmmmm.
sh*t.
It's not banana cream.
But it is tapioca.
I consider that a win.
There's toast.
George's always
thinking about me.
f*ck. It's not done.
I'll plug this thing in.
[electricty buzzes]
[uptempo guitar music]
[uptempo rock music]
[uptempo music ends]
[cow moos]
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Inherited Scars (2024)
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