03x16 - Blood Moonstruck

[bunniefuu]

Hey, great to see ya.

Thanks for coming out.

Looking good.

Aww, he has your eyes.

God, I love a blood moon.

It brings out the crazies,
and all the crazies end up here.

So a building that's already full

of the weirdest people in the city

is going to get even weirder,
and you like that?

Sure. It's like Halloween meets Vegas

meets land of misfit sex toys.

Oh, that was the theme
of my first wedding.

And the whole courthouse
plays Blood Moon Bingo.

Personally, I'd like to just
come and do my job in a place

where there's not a Leatherface
juggling tomatoes.

Ooh, "see a Leatherface"
is a square on my card.

Damn it, Wyatt. That's just a lady

with a slice of turkey
stuck to her head.

Jackie, it happened again!

So everybody gambles on this?

I'm down for a game
with real-world consequences.

You know, the board game Clue

was based on a m*rder
at my family's estate.

They never caught Uncle Mustard.

Ooh, I already have one.

The guy in a tinfoil diaper?

No. Whiplash Santa.

I don't want to talk about it.

Isn't anybody going
to ask me about it?

Damn it. None of you care.
It's going to be me, isn't it?

♪♪

What happened?

Please tell me years
of making fun of Bird scooters

wasn't just your way of saying
you wanted to ride one.

It's, uh, too painful
to, uh... to relive,

but this does mean
I'm going to have to miss work

for about four to six weeks.

Of course. Whatever you need.

You're obviously hurting.

Ha-ha! It worked.

You were just faking it?

Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.

I did fall.

Recently,
my building became pet-friendly,

and yesterday I-I was trampled

by a herd
of overprivileged Pomeranians.

Next thing, I find myself on the floor

watching these little beasts
have a-a victory hump

at my expense.

You don't know it was a victory hump.

It could've been a hungry hump,
a tired hump.

Dog's hump for many reasons.

Doesn't matter.

This is how I end the tyrannical reign

of my co-op president, Morris Sadler.

Once I threaten to sue him
into oblivion,

he will have to step down,

my building will be animal-free,

and then I can just go back
to hating the people.

Well, court's about to start,

so why don't you fake
like you want to be here?

No, wait. Listen,
I was serious about not working.

I have to have to show that his policy

has threatened my livelihood.

But, well, you know what?

If it helps, I have...
I have a note from my doctor.

[WHISPERS]
Pretend I'm giving you a note.

Of course.

- If you have a note...
- [NORMAL VOICE] Ah.

...pretend that
I'm setting it on fire.

Oh, come on.

Ouch.

You have 10 minutes
to find a replacement,

or you're going out there.

Oh, come on, Abby. In my condition?

You're not hurt.

If it helps, I have a second opinion.

♪♪

My bingo card sucks.

How am I supposed
to get "forbidden love"?

Wait, do you think
that guy with the plant counts?

I don't think that's forbidden.

Looks like the parents approve.

What do you think his deal is?

Oh, that's just the mobster
who's following me.

How could you not tell us

you're being followed by a mobster?

I told you when that raccoon
followed me home.

The DA's office
is putting together a RICO case,

so the mob is sending
some g*ons to intimidate us.

I've been seeing that guy everywhere.

Even at my favorite exercise
class, Hip-Hop for White Ladies.

Now I recognize him.
He followed us to karaoke.

I did two songs with that guy.

You seem very calm for
someone being tailed by a guy

in an expensive tracksuit
who I don't think runs track.

It's going to be really annoying

if I'm the one they k*ll
to send a message.

The mob is so weird.
It's 2025. Just send an e-mail.

This is insane.

I'm not going to let
some creep hang around

my courtroom terrorizing Julianne.

We have to get him out of here.

Look, buddy, I know you're
trying to scare my friend,

but be warned.

I ordered pepper spray
on the Internet,

and it should be here
in two to three business days.

Well, you can tell your friend

that she's never
going to get rid of me

because...

...I'm in love with her.

- [CHUCKLES]
- Aww.

Ah, Wyatt, there you are.

So now that you've passed
the bar, what's next?

Well, eventually,
I want to be a public defender,

but I'm going to take it slow,
consider my options.

Oh, absolutely. Take your time.

Specifically, you have six minutes

'cause that's when court starts,

and I've already
signed you up to be a lawyer.

What?! I'm just the clerk.

I'm not ready to try cases.

I need time to prepare and...
and... and second guess myself.

It took 30 trips to Macy's
just to buy this jacket,

and I still have the tags on,
just in case.

Oh, come on. Look, look, look.

It's a blood moon.

There's no better time

to transform yourself
from a mere clerk

to a master of the legal universe.

And, also, congratulations
on the new jacket.

You're going to be great.

[STAMMERS] No, no.

- You can't leave.
- What?

Everything I learned in law
school just fell out of my head,

and the only thought left is
I want to return this jacket.

Oh, come on. Fine, fine.

I'll stick around. You know what?

It'll give me a chance
to practice my limp.

Let me see now.

Step, drag, ouch.

Step, drag, nice.

Step, drag, oh-oh-oh!

Wyatt.

I just want to tell you
how excited I am

for your first case.

Obviously, I have to be impartial,

but outside this room,
I am really rooting for you.

So in here, stoic, unbiased.

Out here, rooting hard.

In here, Your Honor.

Out here, your friend.

Aww. In here, I'm touched,

but out here, I'm embarrassed.

Wyatt, Wyatt. Come here, come here.

Look, but don't look.

That guy back there,
is he watching me?

I think my co-op president sent a spy

to make sure I'm really hurt.

I was hoping you called me over

to give me last-minute advice.

Oh, alright.

Buy land. They're not making more.

Come on, Dan. I'm freaking out.

I'm going to b*mb,

and my legal career will
be over before it starts.

And it's not like
I can get a job at Macy's.

The manager knows
I abuse the return policy.

Just listen, listen.
Treat this as a performance.

You go up there and
you imagine you're someone else,

someone who will do whatever
it takes to win an argument.

What kind of pompous jackass
could I possibly...

Oh.

That's right. You go up there...

...and be me.

First case of the night,
The People vs. Wanda Bellows,

Anya Hooflaven,
and Condoleeza Falconcrest.

Look, Wyatt, I'm the you.

The defendants are charged
with wildlife trafficking

after releasing several
hundred newts in Central Park

during a blood-moon ritual.

Counselor, ready to make
your first defense ever?

[HIGH-PITCHED]
Your Honor. [CLEARS THROAT]

[NORMAL VOICE] We are all
gathered here today to...

nope.

You know, I was thinking,
what's the deal with law?

[CHUCKLES]

Uh, objection. This is a bummer.

Your Honor, do you really think
I'm here because I want to be?

No.

I'd rather be in a booth
at Katz's Deli,

angry that the...
the Irish ruined dancing.

But this is about freedom.

Uh, sure, releasing an army
of newts seems strange,

but you know who else seemed strange?

A man named Noah,

who turned his backyard into a boat.

They said, "That's crazy.
That's ill*gal.

Where do you think
you're going with my goats?"

- Well, two by two they went.
- Okay,

I'd rather sit through


than listen to this,
so we'll drop the charges.

Good job, Counselor. Case dismissed.

Ha! Congratulations.

Oh, listen, by the way,
uh, what do you guys charge

to put a hex on a co-op president?

How can you be in love with Julianne?

- You barely know her.
- But I do.

I've been following her for two weeks.

We have so much in common.

We have the same Wordle
starting word... bread.

We're... We're both
aspirational recyclers.

We both eat spaghetti
with our fingers.

- Really?
- Well, not since I'm 3,

but when she does it,
it is so damn sexy.

Oh, are all mobsters
as sweet as you are?

Honestly, I never fit in
too good over there.

You know what it's like
to be an introvert in the Mafia?

They're all so gregarious,

talking with their hands all the time.

And I'm just going to say it.

I don't even like gabagool.

I prefer a nice bibb lettuce.

Julianne loves bibb lettuce.

I once saw her take a bite
of a head of it like an apple.

So what do you think? You think
Julianne could ever go

for a sad schlub like me?

Well, why don't you just ask her?

I heard everything, and, uh,

I'd be lying if... if I said that

I haven't thought about you, too.

Why do you think that
I went in that mirror store?

Because I wanted to watch
you watching me.

I already have plenty of mirrors.

I'm so happy for you.

And I'm saying that
as your friend and as someone

who has "forbidden love"
on their bingo card.

Unfortunately, it... it can never be

because I'm a prosecutor and you're...

In waste management.

So I guess, uh, we'll just have
to admire each other from afar.

Well, not too afar.

My orders are to keep following you.

So I guess I'll see you
at your hip-hop class.

You girls are making
real progress in there.

- Except for Beth.
- Except for Beth, yeah.

I think you did the right thing.

You don't want to be
a mob wife anyway.

The jewelry looks so heavy.

See, that's what makes this so hard.

I have the perfect
bone structure to pull it off.

[VOCALIZES]

Man of the hour. Seven wins in a row.

You are on fire.

No offense, sir.

I can't believe it.

Am I actually getting a
compliment from Dan Fielding?

Since you're modeling
yourself after me,

I'm really sort of giving
myself the compliment.

Wyatt, your next clients are here.

- Ooh.
- They're twins,

so see if you can get them
in a hot tub.

Is that on your bingo card?

No, it's just a fantasy.

I've already reviewed your file.

- So, uh, Bryan, you...
- Oh, actually, I'm Ryan.

- I'm not charged with anything.
- Charged with anything.

He's only here for moral support.

- Moral support. He's the...
- One on trial.

- So...
- So...

Oh, I'm not enjoying this.

See, I'm the client, Bryan.

You can remember that because
the "B" stands for "bad boy."

- Sprinkle it. Thank you.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm just going to go with
you have glasses, and he has...

The better butt.

[LAUGHS]

Anyway, uh, our best move
is pleading temporary insanity.

- Mm-hmm.
- You didn't steal that bus.

You thought you were in
a real-life "Speed" situation.

- So I'm Keanu, but hotter.
- But hotter.

Mm.

Have a seat.

Wyatt, uh, a piece of
advice from someone

who's done this for a very long time.

Temporary insanity never works.

Maybe it's never worked for you,

but I just won seven in a row,
so I don't need your help.

Uh, you just focus
on getting fake better.

Mm?

Okay, if that's how you feel.

Oh, and by the way,
you can't pull off that jacket.

I'd really return it.

You know, I've got this.
You don't have to stay.

Okay, well, just promise
to come get me

if it looks like those twins
are going to kiss.

Another fantasy?

No, it's on my bingo card. Sicko.

♪♪

Hey, Julianne, you doing okay?

Yeah, just disappointed.

I haven't liked a man this much
in a while,

and now I see Carl everywhere I look.

Well, he is six feet away.

[SNIFFLING]

And it's hard not to notice him
with all the sad sniffling.

It's not sad sniffling.
It's scary sniffling.

I'm going to whack you.

This is ridiculous.
You clearly want to be together.

There has to be some way
to make it work.

Well, I suppose
we could run away together.

Find a little town,
open a chocolate shop,

and then burn it down
for the insurance money.

I bet that would smell amazing.

But I was thinking more,
Carl quits the mob.

I'd love to, but you
can't quit the mob.

The HR department is
just a box of b*ll*ts.

I bet if you just tell your boss

how you felt, he'd understand.

Here. Why don't you practice with me?

You? My boss is a big, scary guy.

Not for nothing,
but you're a tiny skagootz.

That's a made-up word,

but you could tell it is
like what you are.

Carl, you little b*tch.
You got some freaking nerve.

So help me God,
if I find out you got pinched,

I got half a mind
to slit you from neck to nuts!

- That's not bad.
- That's not bad.

Maybe you should talk to my boss.

- Really?
- Okay.

Oh, maybe I'll use
my "neck to nuts" line.

I think that went very well.

Oh, and, Carl, just think,
if this works,

we could be as happy as,

well, the two of them.

Is it weird I want to know
what app they met on?

- Now, remember, you're insane.
- Mm-hmm.

So try some crazy eye twitch
while you read your statement.

Okay. Yeah.

This should be very easy to read.

No issues here.

Or you could read it,

and I could give you
two big thumbs up.

What's the problem?
Can you not read that?

Of course I can read it.

It's my brother who needs glasses.

I'm Bryan. I'm the naughty one.

It's not Naughty Bryan.
It's Bad Boy Bryan.

And Bad Boy Bryan would know that.

[GASPS]

You're just regular old Ryan,
aren't you?

What are you saying? That... That...

That I switched places with my brother

so I could take the fall for him?

Why would I ever do that?

Unless I owed him
because I slept with his wife.

Oh, no.

I lost a defendant on my
first day of being a lawyer.

I bet you wish you had a
twin who banged your wife

who could take your place right now.

[WHOOSHING]

- Dan.
- [GASPS]

- Dan.
- Oh.

I-I'm in trouble.
I may have lost the defendant.

I know I'm new at this,
but that's bad, right?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said
you didn't need my help.

Okay, I get it.
I'm sorry for everything I said.

You were right.

I love hearing when I'm right.

Come on. Tell me other
things I love to hear.

Uh, you're an amazing lawyer.

You're... You're smart.
You're... You're stylish.

You look like Wolverine's dad.

Oh, and would you say that, uh,
I'm the cool one in the office?

I'm going to need words with that.

Uh, what does it even matter?

I've screwed my career.

Just another drop of disappointment

in my bucket of failures.

Good God. You know something?

You take all the fun
out of tormenting someone.

Alright, fine. I-I will help you.

But as far as anyone is concerned,

you are my male nurse.

Come on. Yeah, that's right.

Step, step, ouch.

Oh.

Step. Step.

♪♪

I have to say, when I heard
a judge was interested

in meeting with me, I was intrigued.

[AS MARLON BRANDO]
I asked that you come

on this night of the blood moon
so that I may make a request.

You want something from me,

I need something from you.

Well, we can make some accommodations

vis-à-vis on account-a you
needing something from me.

Yeah, there's a guy
I need to get rid of.

I feel bad making it,
you know, permanent.

So maybe you put him away...

...the rest of his life.

First of all,

I admire your decision
to not m*rder this person.

I gotta be honest.

I also don't really know
what vis-à-vis means.

You know, when your
friend whispers in your ear.

I know she's just going,

"Whisper, whisper, whisper, whisper."

Well, since we're being honest,
I'm not really stirring sauce.

It's paint. We should open a window.

Oh, I think we're done here.

No, no, wait. Don't go.

[NORMAL VOICE] Ow!
Oh, Gurgs, turn on the light.

Ow. [GROANING]

You got to let Carl out of the mob.

Carl Santini?

What a small world.

That's the guy
I'm trying to get rid of.

Oh, really? Well, you don't
have to get rid of him.

- He wants to leave.
- And he's in love.

He is? Well, good for him.
He's so shy.

He can leave anytime he wants.

Thank you, Boss.

Just when I thought I was in,
you pulled me back out.

This is so sweet of you.

And, as a token of our appreciation,

here's a list of judges
who take bribes.

Nah, this one's on the house.

Uh, truth be told, I only hired
Carl as a favor to my goomah.

If she ever asks,
you really had to twist my arm.

If it helps, you could
break that lamp over your head

so it looks like I roughed you up.

Oh.

That's very kind of you.

[INHALES SHARPLY, GRUNTS]

You know, I'm just going to say it.

The mob... not the worst.

Guys, if you're looking for Bryan,

you're never going to find him.

Our mom used to call
him the invisible twin.

And not just because
he wasn't on the ultrasound.

I think that he's
still around here somewhere.

I do. Because you know what?
They're... They're close.

They have that, uh,
what... what'd you call it?

Oh, uh, telepathic twin connection.

Ah, that's it.

Like, when one twin feels pain,
the other twin feels pain.

Also works for pleasure.

That's how he found out
I slept with his wife.

Uh, gross.

So if I were to, say,
stab you with a fork...

Oh, look at that.
Here's one right here.

...the other twin would scream
and reveal himself.

You're not going to stab me.
You're a lawyer.

Not anymore.
You screwed my whole future.

I have nothing to lose.

Don't do it!

Damn it.

You didn't see me.

Stop him!

You're never going to catch him.

He's the fast one.

I'm the invisible twin!

[GRUNTS]

Dan, you just saved my career.

Ya know what, I gotta tell you,

that was some damn fine
lying in there.

You're going to be a wonderful lawyer.

Someday, but not anytime soon.

I mean, listen,
you don't become a master

of the legal universe overnight.

- [GROANS]
- Oh.

You know what? Stop whining.

Here, put that on him.

Hey, Fielding,
I knew you were faking it.

- Ugh.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

You're co-op president
sends his regards.

Hey. Hey. Hey, wait.
You're the fast one. Get up.

I need you to catch that guy.

Oh, no. We're losing him.

He's going to need mouth-to-mouth,

and I'm the only one who can do it.

What?

[GASPS] They're about to kiss.

Bingo!

It's funny.