Hey so I kind of have
a surprise for you.
A surprise?
Yeah. Sort of like a gift.
You got me a gift?
Wait, did I miss
an occasion or something?
Did I forget our anniversary?
No, no. I just thought you
might get a kick out of it.
Oh, wow. Thank you.
Well, you know,
don't get too excited.
I mean, you might hate it.
Okay, fine. I will not judge it
until I decide
if I hate it or not.
Thank you.
What do you think?
Pretty nuts, right?
- What is that?
- It's a huge tattoo of us.
So, thoughts?
I hate it.
[New Wave Music Plays ]
Alexa, stop.
[New Wave Music Stops]
So what do you hate about it?
- Everything.
- Okay.
I would really love to
know who the tattoo artist is
because... Wow.
- What?
- Brian, I look horrendous.
How did you think I
was gonna like a tattoo
of me looking like Sloth
from the Goonies?
Okay. I feel like
you're attacking me now.
I feel like you're
attacking me with that tattoo.
Okay. Oh my God. Will
you, will you just stop?
So do you deny that
that tattoo is stupid?
No, but I thought that
was part of the fun.
No, this would only
be fun if it turned out
that a toddler had
drawn it with a sharpie.
Oh my God. You know
what I did was impulsive
and probably kind of dumb.
But honestly,
you know, how you're
reacting is so much worse.
Oh, my reaction is
far less worse than
that abomination.
You know, whenever I
go and do something...
you always default
to this negative,
cynical energy that translates
into you belittling me.
So anything you do,
no matter how insane
or bizarre, I'm just
supposed to be like, cool.
I'm so happy that
you have a picture
of me looking like
a melted wax figurine
permanently on your torso.
That is so far from the
reality of this situation.
You have been dating
me for two years. Okay?
You absolutely knew that this
was gonna be my reaction.
- I didn't
- Yeah, you did.
- I Didn't!
- I think that you
did this on purpose
so that you could once
again play the victim.
- I am never the victim.
- Oh, you are always the victim.
Okay. Well, if I'm
always the victim, then
that makes you always the assailant.
Oh, so I'm the assailant now.
No, you're not an assailant.
You're a black hole.
And, like, I don't
mean that as a fat joke.
'cause you know you're
in good shape.
What I mean is you are a void
that sucks up the things I
offer, like romantic gestures
or compliments, or vacation ideas,
and you crush them into like this,
this infinitely small mass...
that light can't even escape from.
Your compulsive desire to
pulverize everything positive I do
It like defies the laws
of gravity and physics.
I would rather be a black
hole than a middle school
emo cry baby. Every
single challenge in life,
Instead of going, "Hey, maybe
let me meet this with
some king of level of
composure and dignity.
I'm gonna instead throw
a big old tantrum
and blame my girlfriend."
"Look at me. Look at me.
I'm Katie. I'm a robot.
I work every minute of every day
to avoid addressing my
strained relationships
and personal life.
On my deathbed
I'm gonna regret spending
my whole life completing
meaningless tasks."
"I work a job that I
have trouble
describing what it is
I actually do.
I am overcompensating
in order to win
the approval of my parents.
- Whatever the hell that means!
[Knocking At The Door]
- Oh, great, great. Yeah.
Maybe you should show the
neighbor your nifty new tattoo.
You know, I bet they're
gonna be more supportive
than my girlfriend!
[New Wave Music Plays ]
What the f*ck is
going on in here man?
I'm sorry.
We're having a bit of an
argument,
we'll try and keep it down.
Alexa, stop.
Hey man, I got kids upstairs, man.
They don't need to
hear this toxic sh*t.
They don't need that.
Like I said, I apologize.
We'll keep it down.
Alexa, stop.
Who the hell fights
over this new wave sh*t?
The Alexa broke.
Honestly I don't like it
either. It's her music.
Listen man, this is supposed
to be a quiet family
friendly duplex.
We promise we're gonna be
very family
friendly from now on.
Alexa f*cking stop!
[Music Stops]
I get it, man.
We all go through this.
We all have fights.
But you guys, your fights
are so different, man.
They're cold. I mean,
they're sad. I mean, f*ck,
they're empty. God damn
you guys are f*cking sad.
Well I think we can both agree
that was pretty embarrassing.
Look, this has become unsustainable.
I assume you're talking
about our relationship.
Yeah. You know, I
just don't see any reality
where this works long term.
Yeah. That might be the case here.
So... what's next?
Well, this might be
a little inappropriate,
but is it okay if I keep the apartment?
I mean, all my mail for
my business comes here
and I spent all the
time finding this place
and decorating it and
you didn't do much.
No, that all makes sense.
Great.
I'm really regretting the tattoo.
[Soul Music Plays ]
A lot of people don't
wanna know the truth.
Someone's pulling the strings.
Every puppet has a master.
It's Chase bank, it's
the Bush administration.
People either wanna be controlled
or they wanna be in
control. I know what I want.
[Music Plays ]
The reports are good.
Not what I was expecting
but it's fine.
I think if we go through all
the annual course from last year-
[Music Plays ]
[Music Plays ]
Hey, so I am going to
come to your house right now.
[Music Plays ]
It's like, the moment
he showed me the tattoo,
I knew I could never look at him the same.
I mean, he might as well
have thrown an old lady
down a flight of stairs.
It's like, I can't unsee it.
Totally.
Just imagining that idea
popping into his head
and him going, "Hmm, this is a good idea."
And then just like scampering
into a tattoo parlor
and getting it done?
God, it makes me sick.
Totally. It's sickening.
And you should have seen the way
that he showed me the tattoo.
It was like he was this weak
little puppy just begging
for my approval.
Puppy.
Gross.
And it's not like he has to
have it together all the time,
but it's like, have a
backbone sometimes, man.
I am your girlfriend.
I am not your mother.
Mother...
Are you even listening?
Yeah.
Okay. Katie, have you
ever tried dating someone
that seems less like a guy
and more like an animal?
- What?
- Katie, right now I am seeing
this guy that just feels... dangerous.
He works out all the time.
He does MMA, he takes
steroids, he drives recklessly
through neighborhoods with
like kids in the streets,
...has all these g*ns,
and his d*ck is just, it's huge.
Honestly, I think it's too big,
but I don't know, actually.
I think it suits him. Anyway,
what I'm trying to say is
after years of dating,
like the down to earth,
self-aware type, right?
I am just refreshed dating someone
who feels like he's
gonna fly off the handle.
Like last week we were
at this restaurant
and he just started
screaming at our server.
I mean, he totally lost it,
thought he was gonna like,
break a bottle and start
stabbing people.
It was like a movie.
The point is, it was really hot.
And I think Katie,
deep down inside,
whether you wanna admit it or not,
you need something like
that in your life.
I think I'm good on that.
I think what I really need
is someone who knows what he wants.
I know what I want. I don't
compare myself to other people.
I don't judge myself.
I just want someone to
meet me on that level.
I want a man who is as
secure in his life as I am.
[Phone Buzzing]
Yeah. I'll be right back,
Natalie.
Oh my God. Hey!
- How are you girl?
- I'm good.
I'm, I'm so good. It's
good to hear from you.
- It has been way too long.
- Yeah. Yeah.
I think the last time we
saw each other was mom's
awkward zoom call.
- Uh I knew the day of reckoning
would come when she learned
how to use video chat.
So how are you? What's going on?
- Well, I actually wanted to call,
to let you know I'm in town.
Really? Wow.
- Yeah, I'm sorry for not
letting you know sooner,
but it was sort of a spur of
the moment thing where Luke
and I wanted to visit some friends.
How long are you guys in town for?
- Only a few days, actually.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, I wish I could stay longer,
but you know how things
get, anyway, I know this is
so, so last minute.
And feel free to say no.
But Luke and I are going
to this really small dinner
party tonight at a friend's
place, and I wanted to
see if you wanted to come?
You still there?
Yeah. Yeah. Did you say tonight?
- Yeah. Again, it's totally
fine if you can't make it.
I just wanted to get a chance
to see you.
Yeah, yeah I can be there.
- Yeah, no problem.
- You sure?
Absolutely
- Oh my God, that's so great.
I can't wait to hear everything
that's going on with you.
Yeah, I'm so excited.
- Great! Wait.
Oh, are you still with...
I'm so sorry. I forget his name.
Brian.
- Yes. Brian,
are you still together?
Yeah. Yeah.
We're, we're totally, we're
So, we're, so, we're so good.
- Great. Well, he's more than
welcome to come along.
I'd love to finally meet him.
- We'll both be there.
- Awesome! Well, I gotta run
but I'll text you the details.
Okay. I'm so excited.
- I can't wait to see you, Katie.
Bye.
Oh my God. Have you seen Rachel's
new wedding photos? Barf.
[Music Plays ]
So you're saying your
relationship would've fallen apart
anyway, because her sense of
humor isn't as good as yours?
- No, I would never say that.
- Okay.
I mean, her sense of humor,
to be honest,
definitely doesn't match mine.
I mean, she never got
like subtle jokes
and ironic gestures, obviously.
And yeah, that probably would've led
to us eventually breaking up.
But I, I feel like it's more about her
inability to communicate.
You think she doesn't
listen to you?
No. Obviously she listens. She
just didn't listen. You know?
For example I have told her on
multiple occasions
I'm allergic to wine.
I know it's weird, but
I am, I get flushed,
My stomach acts up. I feel
like complete garbage.
But like clockwork, once
a month she'll be like,
"Oh my God, we gotta try
this new place Cafe Pizzazo"
I mean, it honestly feels like
a slap in the face when she does that.
Yeah, man. That's,
that's super disrespectful.
- No, it's not super
disrespectful. It just shows
she has no consideration
for anyone but herself.
I just think she's deeply
emotionally insecure.
You know, she's in a relationship,
but what's even the point?
She never wants to do anything fun.
We never go on trips because of her work.
She never really listens.
She says, I love you.
But after dating someone for
two years, that's mandatory.
I don't think she has a definition
of what love is for her.
And to be perfectly honest,
my love might be too strong for her.
You know, my love, it's pretty strong.
And I sort of wonder if
she can't fully comprehend
the power of my love.
You know?
- Yeah, um...
There's there's definitely
a lot to unpack there.
You know, it's
tough for me to be sort of
neutral in all this because Katie
and I haven't really seen
eye to eye on most things.
The one piece of advice
I can give you is that
even though you're going
through a tough time,
I think what happened is good.
I think this is a great
opportunity for you
to find some change in your life,
you know, turn the next chapter.
But it's important to remember
that when you read a book,
you don't go back and
read a chapter twice.
You move on.
You continue with the story.
'cause I think you're
gonna find there's some
way better chapters ahead of you.
'cause honestly, that last one...
I don't think was that great.
Whatever you do, don't go
back because that is unhealthy
and toxic, in my opinion.
Pretty unlikable. So move on.
You know, Derek,
you're completely wrong.
because I already have.
- Okay, great.
[Knock At Door]
Oh, hello, Katie.
Hello, Derek. Is Brian here?
He is, but he doesn't want
to speak to you right now.
Hey, actually, I'm gonna
talk with her for a minute.
What you doing? We just got
done talking about chapters.
- I know. Don't worry. It's cool.
- No, it's not cool.
It's not cool at all!
- I'll just be a minute.
I really appreciate
you looking out for me.
- Thank you so much.
- Brian!
[Door Slams]
- So, hey.
- Hi.
I think we both said
some things this morning
that we didn't mean.
Sure.
You know, I was heated.
You were heated,
- We were heated.
- And I was just wondering if
we could just both
acknowledge that we were wrong
and then, you know, move on.
- Are you apologizing?
- No. God no.
But I'm not asking you to either.
Okay. That's fair.
So I kind of told
my sister that you were
coming to the party.
So you told your
sister I was gonna...
be at the dinner party?
I did, I did. Yeah.
That's pretty weird
that you would say that.
I know. But either way, I was
wondering if maybe... you know...
I think what you're asking
me to do is very unhealthy
for you and for me.
We've gone through a
profoundly traumatic experience
and for us to put on some grotesque
performance for your sister.
I, I, I think it's regressive.
I think it's despicable.
Oh my God, are you done?
Okay, look, I get, I have
no right asking you this,
and I understand how
pitiful I look right now.
Okay? But I'm saying this
would really mean a lot
to me if you did this.
Plus this could kind of be like,
like our last hurrah, right?
This is what every couple wishes
for when they break up. Closure.
It's kind of poetic.
Plus, I'll pay you a thousand dollars.
I'm a small business owner
and you're doing me service.
This isn't because of the money,
because frankly, you know,
that's a little bit insulting.
But yes, I will do it.
Thank you.
No, no. Stop. No. God dammit Brian
what the hell is wrong
with you? It's like you've
literally forgot every single thing we
talked about in the last hour.
You realize how bad this is
gonna screw you up, right?
And this Mm, this is twisted even for you.
You really should be ashamed
of yourself you witch.
Derrick. It's cool.
It's gonna be fine.
Trust me, this is what I need right now.
And I'm so glad that you
helped me through this
and I respect you so much, and I love you.
[Soul Music Plays ]
- Don't take this the
wrong way, but you need
to get new clothes for this thing tonight.
- My first impulse is to
argue with you, but I agree.
So you haven't talked to
your sister in three years?
- I mean, not in person...
But we've talked on zoom a couple times.
- Oh, well, you know,
that's better than a normal conversation.
So your sister's a
really successful lawyer?
- I mean, yeah, she made partner
at 29, but like, who cares?
There are so many
lawyers, especially in DC
- I mean, that's what
makes it impressive, right?
The fact that there's so many lawyers?
So your parents are probably pretty stoked
that your sister's an important lawyer?
- Yeah, they are. Okay?
[Trunk Slams]
- Okay, her Instagram is insane.
- She travels all the time.
- Wait, she's a workaholic attorney
that travels? How is that possible?
- She's just one of these people
who travels to find herself.
- Oh god.
You know, I've been
a few places in my life
and I've never learned
anything about myself.
- It's a show.
Everything with those
kinds of people is a show.
[Soul Music Plays ]
So, since we're lying about
being together, I thought
that we could also lie about your job.
You could see why I'd find
that offensive, right?
Mm. It's like we're already lying,
so might well just go for it.
Are you gonna lie about your job?
No. Look, I love that
you're a graphic designer.
It's, creative and it's
interesting and it's so cool,
but it's just not really intimidating.
You think graphic designer is like an
inherently weak profession?
No. What I'm saying is
that someone who's like a CEO
or like a politician has
this menacing awe about them.
And it has nothing to do with how they
act or their personality.
It's just their job title.
Do you always wish I had a job
that terrified your friends?
No. I love that you love being
a graphic designer. Okay?
You're just not the most
career oriented person.
You know, at the risk
of sounding pretentious,
I feel like by not solely
concentrating on my job, I've kind
of built a robust internal life.
You know, I watch movies, I
read books, I reflect on things.
You reflect on things?
I reflect on all sorts of things.
I reflect on culture, the state
of society, who I am.
What books do you read?
You don't read books.
I do read books. I do
Did you have a specific job in mind?
I was thinking like an entrepreneur.
Absolutely. Not every person I know
who calls himself an
entrepreneur is just a
humongous piece of sh*t.
Fine. Brian, what imaginary
job would you like to have?
Well, I was thinking
like maybe something like a
scientist, like kinda like
a climate change scientist.
There's no way in hell
anyone is ever gonna believe
that you are a scientist.
Is this a sh*t on
Brian Day or something?
I mean, like, the fact
that I'm passionate about
climate change will add
depth to my performance.
Can you just be an investment banker?
Fine. I can be an investment banker.
Great.
Yeah. So I don't know anything
about investment banking.
I know a guy.
[Music Plays ]
[Music Plays ]
Wow.
While this situation you're
in, Katie, is quite strange.
I'd be lying if I said I
wasn't genuinely intrigued.
I mean, to be a part of
such an elaborate ruse,
it's riveting,
tantalizing,
there's a, there's
a seductive quality to it.
And I've actually always believed
that there exists a sincere
yearning within each of us
to cast aside the banality of the "me"
and to allow transcendence
through a type of performance.
"All the world's stage", et cetera.
But Katie, through this
contrivance, you've concocted,
you really get to do it.
I hope you'll excuse
my greenish complexion
for I am seething with envy.
Also, the way you describe your sister
sounds like a huge b*tch.
She's a lot.
So you're cool with teaching
me about finance stuff?
Of course, Brian,
although I do admit I'm a
little surprised, Brian,
that you're actually up for all this.
I mean, it must be kind of difficult
after just getting dumped
this morning, right?
- I think it's more of
a mutual breakup thing,
but yeah, I think this is
kind of a great way
to find closure in our relationship.
- That's what I said.
- And I agreed.
- Katie, as a deeply respected
professional colleague
of yours, I have to say, I
would help you with anything.
But Brian-
[Eating Candy]
Brian may not be able to
glean the appropriate amount
of financial knowhow in time in order
to pull off this glorious charade.
I think I'm a pretty quick learner.
I just need the basics.
And maybe like some
buzzwords you guys use.
- He just needs to know
what to say if someone
asks him what he does for a living.
Brian is really good at making things up.
- What the hell's that supposed to mean?
[Phone Buzz]
Oh, I will be right back.
Arnold, thank you so much
for doing this.
So where do we start?
Hey, what's up?
- Hey, I didn't mean
to pressure you into coming out tonight.
I really didn't mean to put
you on the spot like that.
No, it's all good. You
didn't put me on the spot.
Just to sort of get a gauge
of where you're at so far,
are you familiar with how small
businesses attract financing
through venture capital
firms in exchange for equity?
Only in the broadest sense.
How about how early stage
companies attain market entry
through the use of external funding
and maybe, oh, bootstrapping.
What do you know about bootstrapping?
I don't know much about that.
Or what about how pre seed founders
court startup accelerators through the use
of idealization models?
What can you tell me? Anything?
- I'm so excited for tonight.
It'll be great to finally get
up to speed with each other.
- Yeah. It's been way too long.
- Way too long.
- Way too long!
I guess an easy way
to pretend like you know
what you're talking about is to go ahead
and say that you're going
through a series J funding round
with a small startup that's
showing promise.
Series J?
Sure. As long as you can
remember some of the big words
and throw in a letter here and there,
Brian you'll Pass as a big
old businessman who knows all about this
complicated funny stuff. Okay?
I'm sensing a certain level
of condescension being
directed at me right now.
You're sensing it?
Yeah. I'm also sensing a certain level of
prickishness just
sort of like emanating from
- from this direction.
- The direction I'm in?
Yeah, I mean, it's almost
like you're a prick.
Great. I'll grab a bottle of Rose.
[Yelling From Other Room]
I gotta go. Bye.
Well, you can imagine how
torn up I am about your
assessment of my attitude, Brian.
Well maybe you should be that way
you might learn how to not be
completely off putting,
Guys, how did this escalate
so quickly?
Katie. Katie, I'm sorry to say it,
but I think Brian is a lost cause.
As I was graciously trying to impart some,
of my professional wisdom to him he began
lashing out at me due to
what I assume is his lack
of comprehensive abilities.
It's not his fault. And
he became increasingly
defensive and extremely hostile to me
and I don't feel safe. I
don't feel safe right now.
Please, the only reason
I was defensive was
because you were offensive.
The guy has been treating me
like a patronizing kindergarten
teacher from the moment he saw me.
Okay, Katie, look, I hate to say this.
I hate to say it. f*ck!
But there is a capacity to
how much a person can learn and it ends.
And I think Brian has reached
his limit.
Okay guys I cannot handle this right now.
Okay? Thank you so much, Arnold.
Brian, get in the car.
Great now you're patronizing me too.
- Okay!
- Uh... Katie!
Katie, I'm so sorry. I'm sorry about that.
You know, I didn't mean
for that to happen outta...
character... I am sorry.
- It's fine. It's totally fine. Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. Thank you for...
It was great seeing you.
It was great seeing you.
If you ever need help in the
future, truly with anything,
any kind of work, you
know, yard work, whatever,
I'm always here to help... you.
- Okay?
- Okay. I gotta go.
- You're the best.
- Okay.
- I gotta go.
- Okay. Yeah.
Oh God.
[Music Plays ]
Brian, were you going to
attempt to learn anything
or were you just gonna
immediately be unpleasant?
Honestly, I went in to that
situation as a complete sponge,
and Arnold might have ruined
my interest in finance.
How do you even work with
a guy like that?
He has introduced me to dozens of clients.
Oh, well what a gracious man.
Oh, what do you think
that he was attacking
you for no reason?
Oh, no. He had a reason.
Okay. So what was the reason?
Please are you really
gonna play this game?
I am not playing a game, Brian.
You are actively playing a game.
All right. So what you think
that he attacked you to impress me?
- Bingo.
- Wow. Okay.
No, we are strictly
professional colleagues.
You are literally
smiling while saying that.
I'm literally smiling
because this is insane.
No, you're smiling
because you're happy that you
can rebound literally hours
after we've broken up.
Okay. I think there is a much
bigger issue at play here.
Of course, there's a bigger issue at play.
There's always a bigger issue at play.
[Music Turns Off]
You know, it is like a general rule
that whoever is driving is
in control of the music.
So I'm just gonna put it back on.
[Music Plays Again ]
Please pull over.
Brian, you are acting hysterical.
You know, you think
I'd be used to your like,
empathetic deficiencies by now,
but today you really raised the bar.
What did I do?
The relationship I've
been in for two years,
literally ended this morning
and now like four hours later,
I'm watching my ex flirt
with some dude literally
right in front of me.
I was literally not flirting.
Okay? You are literally making this up.
Part me thinks he set this
whole thing up just to f*ck
with my feelings one last time
like some orca
that tortures its prey
before eating it alive.
I think that your feelings
aren't even that hurt right now.
Yeah. I think that you are
using this as an opportunity
to be like, "Hmm, let me
just like gaslight Katie,
make her feel like a sociopath so
that I can take the moral high ground
and make her feel bad about herself."
Well, you know what?
I'm not the orca Brian.
You are the f*cking orca!
Great. Yeah, go ahead.
Go ahead and hang out with
all the other Marine life.
[Horn Honks]
Alexa, play Trinidad.
James, all gold, everything.
Alexa?
Alexa?
[Phone Buzzing]
Hey.
Hey. I'm having a
really hard time right now.
Do you think I'm a sociopath?
No. You're not charismatic enough.
I just think I really misread
how Brian is handling
all this. Like completely.
And I know that this
might not be good for him,
but I need him and I
just, I feel like sh*t.
- Wait, who's Brian again?
- Is that a serious question?
Oh yeah. Nevermind. Yeah, no, he sucks.
You are too good for him.
And you just need to
remember, we're Queens girl
and queens deserve kings.
So just remember that.
I don't want to apologize, but...
I regret putting you through this.
If you don't wanna do this, it's fine.
You know, it's probably, like,
the "better person" thing to do.
I shouldn't say that you lack empathy
or refer to you as a robot.
That's an easy dig on my part.
I'd like to go through
with this thing tonight
because I mean, you know, why not? Right?
Just to be clear you're
not into Arnold's, right?
Oh my God. No. No.
I mean, he is nice, but he
looks too much like an owl.
You know what's nuts is I kind of
thought he looked like a hawk.
He always looks like
he's hunting, you know?
Yeah. It's something about his
head movement or something.
It's just like,
[Phone Buzzing]
Who's Hannah?
A friend.
Why haven't I heard of her?
I don't know.
[Phone Buzzing]
- Hello?
- I don't think you should...
Can I talk to her?
No. This is Katie. Brian's girlfriend.
Well, ex-girlfriend. Who is this?
Oh, Hannah...
Hannah. You're Brian's friend.
And I've never heard of you.
I'm taking the phone.
Yeah. No, this is weird.
This is, this is really weird.
Oh yeah. You heard about me.
You gonna spray me
with pepper spray?
Is that what you're gonna do?
Maybe you should go and stop
being such a colossal wh*re!
I'm taking the phone.
[Spraying]
Yaaaah!
Oh God. Oh my God. sh*t.
How did you meet her?
I met her about a
year ago at a bookstore.
Okay, what is it with you and books?
I've never even, you read a book.
I read books. Okay? I do read books.
Okay. So that's just one more thing that
you're hiding from me.
Look, it's totally messed
up that I hid this from you.
That was very unfair.
But I will say it was a
completely platonic relationship.
There was absolutely no sex whatsoever.
I don't believe you. And even if I did,
then it's still cheating.
I legitimately believe that talking
with Hannah helped our relationship.
What?
When we hung out, it was
almost like mutual therapy.
We'd just dump our emotional
baggage and leave. You know?
By doing that, you got spared
having to listen to a lot
of my problems because
let's be honest, you kind
of shut down whenever we
talk about personal stuff.
Do you want me to
pepper spray you again?
- I think you should meet her.
- What?
I think if you met her, you'd understand
how innocent our relationship was.
- Okay.
- Okay what?
Okay, let's meet her.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- Okay. Okay.
[Music Plays ]
[Chime Sounds ]
So... Um...
Thank you for letting us
be here and talk with you.
I know this is weird, but thank you.
And thank you, you know, for
being willing to come here and,
and hear what this is all about.
[Footsteps]
Who are you?
- I'm Chris.
- Okay
So... Um...
I'll be honest.
I don't really know what to say right now.
Okay. So you guys have been
seeing each other for a year?
Yes.
- Did you know that he was dating me?
Yes, I did.
- And did you feel guilty
that he was in a relationship?
No, because I'm not responsible
for what Brian does.
Do I think it was morally wrong
he didn't tell you about me?
Maybe. Probably. But
it's not my place to judge.
Did you sleep with him?
No.
How do I know you're not lying?
You don't.
I will say this, and you can
choose to believe me or not,
but I am sincerely not
attracted to Brian sexually
or physically in any way.
It's hard to explain, but
to me there is actually nothing
romantic about Brian at all.
I almost see him as the
antithesis of romance.
Okay, let, let's
pause here for a second.
I'm the antithesis of romance?
It's not like I'm some sort
of swamp creature or something.
I think I'm an okay guy.
I'm not saying I see
you as a swamp creature.
To me, you're more
like a child or a dog.
You could see how I could
find that insulting. Right?
You're completely allowed
to be offended by how I think of you.
Well, I don't think you
actually think of me like that.
You're allowed to think that.
Please stop allowing me to do things.
Brian, when you would come over
and talk about your problems
and cry about various existential
crises you were having
in those moments, I viewed
myself as a sort of counselor
or mother. And that's completely healthy.
I don't think this is
an accurate depiction
of our relationship.
Okay, hold on.
Why did you wanna hang out with
a man who acts like a baby?
It's hard to explain, but I
love watching men experience
profound emasculation.
Wow.
Okay. Let's just be
clear. I'm not a child.
I'm not a dog, and I'm not a baby.
I'm not saying you are. I'm
saying that's how I see you.
This was a mutual thing.
We both shared our
problems with each other.
No, you told me about your problems.
I didn't tell you mine.
- Yes you did.
- No, Brian, I didn't.
Why do you like to
watch men act pathetic?
To say my father was
a masculine figure would
probably be an understatement.
He hunted, he drank,
he gambled he fought.
One day he blacked out
and crashed his Mustang into our house.
But it was in that moment,
I saw him do something
I didn't think he was capable of.
He cried. It was probably
the most honest thing I ever
saw my dad do.
Boxing, cigars, big muscles,
big trucks,
big dicks.
These things don't really do much for me.
Even if a guy's genuinely
into that stuff
due to my adolescent imprinting,
it seems performative in some way.
I know it probably seems
strange, even regressive,
but the idea
of me comforting a
gigantic adult sized baby
is... it's exciting.
Intoxicating. I know a
baby can't be adult sized,
but through the magic of role play, we...
get pretty close.
One thing I will say is this.
There's nothing like coming home
to a 30-year-old man dressed
entirely in OshKosh B'gosh.
- Hannah, stop.
- What?
- I can't do this anymore.
- Do what?
- I'm not a baby.
- I, I never said you were.
Oh, okay. So you just treat me like one.
Sure. Within the healthy boundaries
that we both agreed upon.
Hannah, there's nothing
healthy about this.
I don't understand.
I'm a man! Okay? I'm not a baby!
I'm a man!
- Chris, calm down.
You're having a tantrum.
You don't realize how
much this affects me.
I'll be at work filling
out spreadsheets,
wondering if I should drink
my coffee through a bottle.
I've had it!
- I thought you liked baby time!
I did baby time. Because
you wanted to do baby time.
Do you think I like watching Peppa Pig
and being called Big Boy and
waddling around in diapers?
It's role play.
It's moved far beyond role play Hannah
also, I don't
appreciate you working
through your mother fantasies
with other dudes.
We agreed to an open relationship.
Yeah. I thought you were
gonna bang other guys!
Not talk to losers about their
feelings in our living room!
Well, you definitely
weren't complaining when you
slept with my friend Maggie.
Oh, yep. There it is.
Can't let that one go.
Now who's the baby?
[Music Plays ]
I'm having a hard time.
Yeah. Well, I don't blame you.
I mean, that was something back there.
I think I'm having a breakdown.
Okay. You're fine.
Look, I'm not even mad
at you anymore. Okay?
That wasn't cheating. I
don't know what that was,
but that definitely...
it was not cheating.
I just... all of
that back there is sort
of making me question a lot about myself.
Well maybe this is good
for your growth.
I need to talk to somebody.
Just relax. Okay? At least
you're not that Chris guy.
Katie, I need some
sort of professional help
because I'm freaking out.
Okay, look, the dinner
is in like three hours.
Can you just like freak
out at another time?
Katie, I need to talk to somebody
or I'm gonna f*cking lose it!
Oh my God. What? What?
Well, what are we supposed
to do?
- I don't know. I don't know.
- Brian. Breathe. Oh my God.
God damnit Brian!
What about that guy we both did work for
a couple months ago?
He has some sort of
therapy business, right?
Darrell is not an actual therapist.
I don't care. I'm gonna call
and make an appointment.
Oh God dammit.
God dammit.
[Music Plays ]
I'm not an actual therapist.
When we talked a few months ago,
you mentioned you did some sort of therapy
outside your accounting business?
You must have misunderstood.
I train therapy dogs
for people suffering from mental trauma.
PTSD, addiction, that sort of thing.
Are they the dogs that walk
around with blind people?
No, those are service
dogs. Very different.
Okay. Well, thanks Darrell.
[Phone Buzzes]
I gotta get this. Hey Arnold.
Brian.
Looks like you've been through the ringer.
Yeah, I guess I have.
What do you say we go out back
and I introduce you to one of the dogs.
I think I'd like that.
Good.
Good.
Hey! Katie. How are you?
- I'm good. What's up?
- Well I just wanted to call and apologize
for what happened earlier.
That was completely out of character.
And I and I and I and I,
and I should have been
a lot more patient with,
with you and Brian.
- Well, Brian requires a lot of patience.
- Right? Well, I certainly
didn't mean for it
to get very heated, which it did.
Brian seems like a nice guy, a good guy.
Maybe he's a little misguided.
Maybe a little bit inarticulate, but good.
Ultimately, to my mind,
he seems very pleasant
to me. Very pleasant.
- Well, I appreciate that.
- Right. So, Katie,
how, how are you doing?
I'm good. I can imagine this
whole situation you're in must
be utterly exhausting.
[Classical Music Crescendos ]
When I got back from the
Gulf, nothing made any sense.
[Piano Music ]
I think the biggest problem was in Kuwait.
I knew exactly what I had to do
every day, laid out.
But when I got home, it was
like I couldn't figure out,
I mean, who I was, who I needed to be.
You felt lost.
Yeah. The next few
years was all dope, booze,
jail, cancer.
I had a kid in there somewhere,
caused a whole lot of grief.
When I reached the bottom,
the only thing I had left was pain.
Pain. You can't run from
or ignore pain that
it surround you becomes part of you.
Took a little while, but I
finally figured out that all
that pain I was feeling was not a burden.
It was a gift.
Because whether you like it
or not, pain changes you.
Hey, take it for what
it's worth from an old,
stupid man like me.
But do not run from pain.
Let it hit you harder than a train.
'cause if you fight change,
you're dumber than me.
Think I know what you mean.
The only thing is I think
there's a lot more change ahead.
- Oh yeah?
- Oh yeah. Big change.
What uh...
What kind of change?
- I think a w*r is coming.
- A w*r?
- When I was in the service,
the enemy was S*ddam...
...later Al-Qaeda. But now I
think we're up against an enemy
that I don't think we're ready for.
What uh...
what kind of enemy?
Brian...
What do you know about the globalists?
I Imagine this whole situation is awful.
The stress you're under. Oh my God.
- Yeah. I just hope that
everything plays out well tonight.
- I'm sure everything will be fine, Katie.
That's actually what
you're good at, Katie.
You know, you know what you
want and you power through...
and make it happen, but
you remain considerate,
which is deeply refreshing
to a guy like me.
Well, thank you.
Hey, Katie, I was wondering,
and you know, this might be totally wacky,
but do you think maybe sometime...
next week we could perhaps,
if you wanted, get a, grab
a, get a we'll grab a coffee.
What do you think?
[Classical Music Crescendos ]
A coffee...
I mean, think about it.
They completely control media,
tech, the banks, diamonds,
all while engaging in
pedophilia on a mass scale.
I'm counting the days
until we all say enough.
We're coming after you
and we are not gonna
stop until we get you.
That's the day that I'm waiting for.
I am just in such a
weird place right now.
I don't know where my head's at.
I just, I feel like I just need some time
to get my bearings.
Uh...
Yeah, I totally understand Katie. Yeah.
You know, if I, if I went through
what you're going through,
I, I I, I, I'd be doing the same thing.
- Thanks, Arnold.
- You're just such a cool person.
I mean, it's always been a
goal of mine to be as cool
as possible, so thank you.
- I gotta go. But, you
know, stay in touch, bud.
- Oh, okay.
- Okay, bye!
[Sad Classical Music ]
[More Sad Classical Music ]
And you better believe
the A*F has no idea
what I have in the basement.
All as I know is when the signal's given,
I will be the first one in the trenches
to take back our country.
- Are you done with the
dog? We really gotta go.
Hey, I think we need to talk.
Oh, god dammit.
- So, in talking with Darrell,
I've heard some pretty wild things,
but I've also sort of realized that
I, I can't do this.
This thing we're doing is k*lling me
because I, I still have feelings for you
because, well, you know, I mean,
we literally broke up a few hours ago,
but now you're taking advantage
of my feelings in order
to do this whole thing with your sister.
And honestly, that's, that's fine.
You know, we've been in
this emotional chess match
for a while now, so good move.
I just...
I can't do it.
And this isn't me trying
to get one over on you.
This is me saying I'm spent.
[Dog Pants]
Okay.
Are are you gonna say anything?
I have nothing to say anymore Brian.
[Music Plays ]
This Heart
It Sings
Sweet Words
To You
And We'll Sit Smiling
As The World Passes Us By
And I'll Carry You So Safely
If Only
If Only You'll Take Me
Hey Katie, I think you did
the right thing leaving him.
I know it's tough, but you'll
get through it.
You're strong right?
But you also look a
f*cking wreck.
I mean, god damn.
I mean, look at you. f*ck.
[Laughing]
Oh my goodness. Oh my
Goodness. Oh my!
This Heart Has Wings
And It Will Fly To You
This Heart It Seems
Hey...
This Heart Has Wings
Hello?
Hey Arnold!
[Country Music Plays ]
It's like, should I
feel guilty, elated, angry?
Or is it like a, like a
multi-emotional blend?
Also, I'm still pissed she never remembers
I'm allergic to wine.
I feel like my emotional
state can only be described
as like raw.
I'm at peak raw, which is
either a very good thing
or a very bad thing.
Yeah. And just a heads
up, I'm gonna need a lot
of emotional support probably
over the next several months.
You know what I mean?
I mean it's like she doesn't
even care about climate change,
even though it's the
issue of our generation.
So what do you think?
Yeah, I, I, I, I think that...
I cannot listen
to any more of this sh*t.
I have been forced to
tolerate the raw sewage
that flows out of your
mouth for way too long.
Every time you talk like,
it's sh*t in my ears,
and I nod and I go, yeah, that's that.
That sucks, dude. Yeah.
I'm sorry to hear that.
That must be tough. I mean, I get it.
Like, like we all need to
vent and we all have problems,
but I am not a sewer.
You can't keep gathering
up all of your sh*t
and saying, Hmm, where do I put this?
And then you, you call me up
and you come over to my house, my home,
and you dump it all over me.
You want my advice? Of course
you don't. What am I saying?
You don't want my advice.
Well, I'm gonna say it anyway.
f*ck it. You need help. Okay.
You don't need a girlfriend.
You need to take a good hard look at you
and say, well, how do I
fix this thing that is me?
Because Brian, you
are very, very, very
f*cked up.
In your head.
- You know what, Derek? You're
completely wrong.
- Oh my god. I'm gonna f*cking m*rder you.
I don't need to work on myself.
I mean, I do, but you know,
I've been working on myself a lot.
I think maybe too much.
I need to do something for
someone else, for once.
I need to fix other people.
And look, I don't care if
Katie hates me or, or, or,
or doesn't even care about me.
I care about Katie.
And so I'm gonna go to that dinner party
and I'm going to lie to a
bunch of strangers for her.
Now can you gimme a ride?
[Song Crescendos ]
Are you asked me to drive
you to the dinner party?
I am.
No.
Okay.
I will call a lyft.
And my battery's dead.
I assume you're not
gonna let me use your bike?
sh*t.
[Arnold Hums]
- Hi Katie!
- Hey!
- How are you?
- Thank you...
...for coming.
Of course. Shall we or
shall we?
You brought me flowers.
Well, yeah. I'm a flowers guy!
Here...
- Awesome. Oh, thank you.
- Wow.
Well, we should probably
get going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Let's do it. Katie.
- Yep.
- Yeah.
Okay. Well, I am extremely excited.
It's gonna be, I think a lovely evening.
[Drums ]
Okay if I put some music on?
- Sure.
- Yeah?
[Loud Rap Music Plays ]
Just kidding.
[Sad Classical Music ]
I don't listen to that rap crap.
[Drums ]
So do you have any like,
fun vacations planned?
No. I try not to leave town too often.
It actually kind of throws me off.
I find keeping my movements
to a minimum keeps me sharp.
[Sad Classical Music ]
[Drums ]
I often find the New
Yorker to be an admirable
source of criticism, if you will.
I often will write my own
criticisms of the books
that I read and compare them
to the critics of our time.
[Drums ]
Ah, well,
well...
Showtime!
Gotcha.
- Yeah.
- I'm just kidding.
It's great.
Okay. After you please.
Oh.
Brian?
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
Hold on a second.
- Look, I make it a point in my life
to never overstep my boundaries.
Yeah? But I think it's incredibly
inappropriate for you to be here Brian.
You should just
go home. Shame on you.
- Arnold's right. Also, you look awful.
You're right. I look
awful. I feel awful.
I am probably awful.
You know, you
getting Arnold to do this?
That might be awful.
Arnold, I don't know you
that well, but, you know,
I could tell you're awful in your own way.
We're all awful.
And that is Okay.
[Piano ]
Look, I've been called a pathetic loser
by multiple people today.
But I think I should
at least be a pathetic loser
who finishes something.
I owe it to you to do this.
Also, I'm pretty angry
with myself right now
and that's sort of motivating me
to like, dunk on those
assholes in that house
and show them we're like, way
cooler
and way more interesting
and way more successful,
even if none of that is true.
So, so please
can we do this?
[Piano ]
I think I gotta do this with Brian.
- What?
- Everything Brian said...
...we really have been through a lot.
I gotta do this with him.
Wow. Okay. I mean, you sort of
strung me along through all this.
I feel so terrible,
honestly. And you're so great.
Thank you for doing this,
even though you didn't
really, you know, do this.
- Yeah, it's fine!
- Okay.
Do you still wanna get
coffee with me next week?
Yeah, sure.
- I wish you well, Katie.
- You too.
Hi!
[Sad Classical Music ]
- Oh, hey, Katie? And...
- Brian.
Brian. Right.
Oh my God! It is so good to see you.
It's finally great to meet
you. Great to meet you too.
Alright, come on in.
[Lounge Music ]
Well, the sword of Damocles
is obviously the looming
regulatory climate.
We saw it in China, we're
seeing it in Europe.
And who knows what those
geniuses at the Fed are up to.
Now am I one of the true believers
that think we're headed toward a
decentralized utopian wonderland?
No. But do I think that in
10 years we might see 20%
of the population utilizing
crypto in a meaningful way?
Maybe.
What do you think, Brian?
I think you should invest all
your money in Barnes and Noble.
[Lounge Music ]
Ha.
I dunno, I got a good
feeling about bookstores.
- Come on.
- I almost spilled my drink.
Way to go Brian.
I didn't expect that from you, Brian.
Me neither. Me neither. Brian.
I love what you've done
with your hair.
Thanks. I just kinda let it go.
It's great.
[Jazz Music ]
- So we kept driving. Into Utah.
Straight on into the mountains.
Katie told me about your
wine tasting trip in Sonoma.
She did? Well, yeah. We,
we did that and it was great.
Well, we're doing a
sort of pairing tonight,
and I cannot wait to get your
thoughts on the Pinot Noir.
- I think it's...
- Castalia.
Castalia.
Fantastic.
[Jazz Music ]
This could be a photo.
Oh, this looks so good.
I think there's something to
be said
about having too much
stuff. At the same time
I am very tactile when
it comes to products.
Not to sound pretentious,
but there is something
profoundly spiritual and
stirring about Montana.
Oh yeah. I think we will
Eventually see the equivalent
of a Woody Allen for TikTok.
Maybe Woody Allen isn't the best example,
but you get what I'm saying.
[Jazz Music ]
You know, I love what I do
and I think the industry's
headed in some really
interesting directions.
I mean, some of these businesses
we're invested in. Wow.
You know, I mean, talk about innovation.
Right now we're going through
a series J funding round
for a startup.
You know, they build,
like, robot hands
for people that don't have hands.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
Did you say Series J?
I did. Yeah.
Because, you know, we like
to go high with the letters.
Brian, you have not tried the wine yet.
I would love to note what you
think of the flavor profile.
Okay.
Mmm.
Yeah, I can taste the berries. Yeah.
Yes!
So Katie, how's everything going
with your consulting business?
Oh it's great.
But I won't bore you
guys with the details.
Oh, don't be silly.
It sounds like you're up
to some really cool stuff.
Well, for those of you who don't know,
I have a consulting business
that specializes in strategies
for mostly tech startups.
It's a lot of marketing, timing,
product launch, a lot of handholding.
But our company has really like
expanded, exploded actually.
We've been able to double our clientele,
hire more employees,
and just overall expand.
For an industry that seems pretty dry
it's actually very exciting for us.
I mean, I don't wanna name drop,
but some of my clientele are
Brian Cranston and Young Thug.
- I love Young Thug.
- Me too.
He's so sweet and funny.
But yeah, things have been so busy.
I mean, I'm even considering
hiring a strategy consultant
for my strategy consulting
business.
Boss lady here.
It sounds so cliche,
but I feel like I'm really
changing the world.
I mean, the companies
that I'm involved with,
they're in biotech and green energy
and social justice things that
I'm really passionate about.
And plus there's just so much
investments going into these businesses.
Like I can charge whatever I
want, which is a total perk.
You know, getting paid really
well to do what you love
and make the world a better place?
Like it's just the perfect life.
It's the perfect life that
I've always dreamed of living.
You know, I feel strong. Emotionally,
spiritually, physically.
I am in the best shape of my life.
I have just boundless amounts of energy.
It's amazing how much energy
you have when you just are
so filled with goodness, you know?
And you're just so good, so
happy. I'm really just so happy.
Wow. Wow. That's okay. That is so great.
That is awesome.
And we're buying a house.
Welcome to the joys
of home ownership.
So how about you Natalie?
What have you been up to?
Oh good, good.
I mean, things are great.
What have you been up to?
Oh, you know, this and that.
This and that?
Yeah. We're just finally
living life on our own terms
for the first time in a really long time.
Feels really good.
- Yeah. Cool. So how is the law firm?
Well...
I quit.
- You quit?
- I quit.
Why?
- Well, I mean it's a long story,
but there just came a point
where I realized this is just not for me.
You know, the long hours,
the work weekends,
the stress, the clients.
I mean, I just, oh, I
just hit a breaking point
and I thought to myself,
I'm not living life anymore.
And so quit. And I am so much happier.
Congratulations. Wow.
That's huge.
Are you guys living in your condo?
I mean, I know that you bought it
'cause it was so close to work.
Nope. Sold the condo.
You sold the condo?
Yep. I just wanted
to simplify my life.
Yeah. And plus leaving
the job would make some
of those payments a little tricky,
but selling it at the time I did
actually turned out pretty well.
Great. Great.
So where in DC are you living now?
Actually, we're not
living in DC anymore.
What!
Oh my God. What? That's great.
Natalie, I feel like I
don't even know you anymore.
Well, sorry for this info dump,
but yeah, we just got tired
of the constant hustle
and the craziness and the politics.
- It's too much.
- Too much. Yeah.
And we just said, screw it. Let's leave.
So where are you living now?
Well, we're not really
living anywhere right now.
We're doing the whole van life thing.
The whole van life thing?
- The whole van life thing.
We've been traveling across the country
and stopping at these little funky places
and just finally living our life.
That's why we're here actually.
We're gonna be continuing
up the coast this week
and then who knows where?
- Who knows where?
- I mean, honestly, we should
show you the van after dinner.
- Oh, that's a good idea, hun.
- It's, it's a custom Mercedes
Sprinter, 170 inch wheel
base, full kitchen sink,
stove, side hookups for electric
and gray water disposal.
I mean, this way when
you're at a campsite,
it's like you're in a real home.
Oh. And my favorite part is, you know,
besides just meeting all these
colorful characters across,
you know, this beautiful patchwork of land
that is the United States is this...
amazing detachable shower hose
head? I don't know what we call it again.
But it does both hot and cold water.
It is truly top of the line, this van.
And we're just excited to,
you know, live where we want.
So yeah, it's been great.
- You look shocked.
- Yeah. I'm pretty shocked.
Well, I mean, it is quite a change.
It's a huge change. I mean,
so you're not making any money?
- Well, Luke and I have
saved up, plus the sale
of the condo has helped us out a lot.
So we're kind of good for now.
So you just kind of threw everything away.
Well, we sold it.
Actually it's very liberating.
- So, you know, you have no savings.
You're not building
towards any kind of future.
- We're not really thinking
about that right now.
We're sort of just living
life on our own terms.
That's so inspiring.
- So inspiring. Cheers. Yeah,
cheers. There we go.
[Glasses Clinking]
Did you tell mom and dad?
I'm gonna hold off on that.
Yeah, probably should
cause they're gonna be pretty pissed off.
Well, I'm not thinking
about that right now.
- Yeah, you're just
thinking about yourself.
- Yeah. I mean, it is my
life. Is everything okay?
No, no,
No, actually this whole
thing. This is insane.
- I guess it is a little insane.
Okay. Could you stop agreeing
with everything that I'm saying?
Because the things that I'm
saying, they're not good things.
- Life changes, priorities change.
Things change.
Yeah but you don't change.
What does that mean? Of course, I change.
Nope, not since I've known you.
Maybe we talk about something else. Yeah?
Lemme just, like,
be clear about this.
Okay. You have no career goals, no plans
for a tangible future.
You're crisscrossing
around the country like some vagabond hobo
with carrot top over here
living out of your car?
- Well, to be clear, it's a van.
Yeah. I'm not sure why you are getting
so angry about this.
Okay. This doesn't affect
you at all.
I'm not upset. I'm not angry.
Then why are you raising your voice?
I'm not raising my voice!
Look, this is absolutely
not the right place
to talk about this,
but you know, I don't
pass any judgment on you,
so I think you should show
me the same courtesy. Okay?
- Please, you don't pass any
judgment on me?
- I don't.
- Okay.
Yeah. All you do is pass judgment
on everything and everyone.
Katie. No, I don't. I don't
do that.
You know what? It doesn't matter anyway,
because there's nothing to
pass judgment on me about
because I'm doing okay.
- I know.
- Yeah. I'm doing just fine.
My business is doing great.
I'm in a fantastic relationship
and we're buying a house.
Congratulations.
And we're having a baby.
Really?
Mmm Hmm.
Um...
Cheers?
[Glasses Clinking]
[Knock At Door]
Hold on. I will be right back.
This weather is crazy, right?
Whether you like it or
not, climate change is here.
Hey Katie. There's
someone here to see you.
He says it's an emergency.
- Yes. It is an emergency.
[Dramatic Piano Music ]
Hello, my name is Arnold Buchwalter
and I am a professional
colleague of Katie's.
I work in capital
finance and I am a very...
...lonely man.
- Okay. You know, maybe you and Katie
- could take this into the...
- No.
I wanna hear what Arnold has to say.
Since I was a child, I
have suffered from extreme
social anxiety.
And although I have worked
hard to improve myself,
I still find it difficult
to act natural in group settings.
I often come off as awkward
and distant
scary...
In school my nickname was Birdman
because of my lack of blinking
and rapid head movements.
I cry regularly and I'm okay with that.
I never stand up for myself.
But today is different.
Today, Katie asked me to
pose as her boyfriend
for this dinner party because
she recently ended her
relationship to Brian.
From what I understand, Brian
got a tattoo of them together,
which she found repulsive.
I assume the only reason
that Katie asked me was
because of my social status
as an investment banker.
- Wait, hold up. I thought
Brian was an investment banker.
- No, Brian is not an investment banker.
Brian is a liar.
... and a graphic designer or something.
I assume Brian told you something about
Series J funding rounds?
Yeah, that's not actually
a thing. I'm made it up.
While Brian is a mean-spirited,
low achieving person,
Katie is much worse.
While Brian would insult me to my face,
Katie's behavior was far more insidious.
She knew I was weak and she
knew I had feelings for her,
and she used that knowledge
to bully me into helping them
with this frankly, despicable charade.
She used me to lie to her family.
And when I was no longer
needed, I was cast aside, like
trash, like garbage.
But I know my worth and I'm not garbage.
You're garbage.
You're garbage, Katie.
- Okay. You're right. You're
right. Okay? I'm garbage.
I said it. Does that make you feel better?
Look, I said it everyone. I'm
garbage. Okay? I'm garbage.
I am garbage.
I lied about mostly everything
that I said tonight.
My business is not doing well.
Brian and I broke up this morning.
We're not buying a home and
I'm definitely not pregnant.
I've never even met Young Thug.
I probably drink way too much.
I watch a lot of videos
of Corgis on my phone
because the idea of actually
owning one gives me a
fricking panic attack.
And I lie a lot.
I lie a lot, a whole
lot, especially to myself
because I can't stand the f*cking fact
that everyone on planet Earth is doing
so much better than I am.
I just, I just for one
night wanted to feel
what it felt like to be
doing better than you.
I never knew you felt that way.
Natalie, could you
please do me a huge favor
and just cut the f*cking
sh*t for once in your life?
Okay? You literally know that
you win at everything in life.
You constantly beat me
and you love it, girl.
Oh, you bask in it, you crave
it. I hope you're happy.
I hope you're happy
because you have won again
for the million f*cking time.
because all you do is just win, win, win
and I, I just lose,
lose, lose. It's great.
I lose. One time I thought I would cheat
and try to figure out what it was like
to win at this hellish game
that we've been playing our entire lives.
And so after all of the
lying and the scheming
and the begging, I get here
and you tell me that you quit?
That you just, you decided
to stop playing the game?
You're gonna just live hashtag van life?
I am so close to winning
and you, you can't even gimme
that one thing.
And here I am questioning
my entire f*cking life
and you are living in a truck.
[Vomit Sounds]
- Oh Jesus.
This Heart Has Wings
And It Will Fly To You
This Heart It Sings
Sweet Words To You
And We'll Sit And Smile
As The World Passes Us By
And I'll Carry You Safely
If Only You'll Take Me
This Heart Has Wings
This Heart It Sings
Sweet Words To You
This Heart Has Wings
My behavior as of late
has not been morally great.
I haven't been very nice to you
or really anybody for that matter.
So I probably deserved
that humiliation at that dinner party.
I know I don't usually say this,
but... I'm sorry.
There's a lot I should
probably apologize for too.
But you know, I don't
want to get into the,
the weeds with it all.
So I'm just gonna kind
of do a blanket apology
and say... I am sorry too.
Cool.
I think it's important that we
acknowledge these sorrys and,
and sort of learn from 'em, I guess.
But also maybe we kind
of just like forget about
the details, you know?
- I would love that.
- Great.
Hey, so do you maybe
just wanna keep living
together for a little while?
You know, moving such
a huge pain in the a*s
and I really, I really can't
handle a big change right now.
- I would like that. Yeah.
We could kind of move our
relationship into a gray area.
- That sounds pretty healthy to me.
[Soul Music Plays ]
You were not kidding about
your sister.
I mean van life?
Give me a break.
Oh god. Her and her
friends of the worst.
It was just like a bunch of nerds.
I don't know how you could
wake up in the morning
and look at yourself in the
mirror as those people.
They're like yoga people...
It's like ugh...
Those are the worst people.
They're such f*ck.
[Soul Music Plays ]
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