01x02 - Larry's Debut, and Sweet Darryl Hannah Too

[bunniefuu]

Bright light city gonna set my soul

gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

so get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

lady luck, please, let the dice stay hot

let me sh**t a seven with every shot

hey, viva Las Vegas

viva Las vegas

viva

viva...

Oh, I wish we had left the house sooner, this brunch is packed.

As you see, there's no tables. There's a list of 45 minutes.

Buna serra, Larry, Kate, right this way.

There's no waiting for the new lead lion in our show.

Hey, thanks a lot, Antinio.

Bababa, bababa,
Oh, bababa, babissima.

Waouh, this place has really picked up since Antonio started pretend to be italian.

Hey, Larry, congrats on the new gig. Hey, can I buy you a breakfast ?

Sure, thanks Karl.

Oh, Larry, can I pick-up your tab ?

Thanks Roger, but Karl beat you to it.

Ah Karl, damned you Karl !

You can buy me lunch.

It's not the same.

Hey Larry, looking forward to your debut as the new star of the show, pal.

If you need some special "calm down pills", you let me know, capiche ?

Ah, not necessary. Vincent, In fact I'm looking forward to it.

Fantastic. Then please my friend, accept my gift. I've hired you this monkey.

-You know what Vincent, I don't need a monkey.
-Every-body needs a monkey, he'll do anything.

Hehehe.

Anything.

Enjoy your monkey.

Waouh, this is hawsome.

Being lead line is alright.

It's nice to see you enjoying this. I thought you'd be nervous about your first show.

Kid, I've been on stage a million times, there's nothing to be nervous about.

Oh sure, why would you be nervous ?
I can here the audiance now :

I got shelled out a hundred bucks to see a fat, less talented diversion of Sarmoti.

BOUUUUH !

Bouh !
Good one, Sarmoti.

Your dad's a real treat.
He should go make people laugh in heaven.

Oh look !
Here they are, they're on.

Welcome back everyone, our next guests have amazed millions around the world with their illusions.

They're the one and only, Siegfried and Roy.

Guys, good morning.

-Good morning Matt Lauer.
-You are too kind.

Enough of the chitchat, get to the plug.

Well, next week, the Today Show will be doing the segment live from your theater at the Mirage hotel.

Oh, I am pretending not to have known that.

But in honour of the show, ve vill create a fantastic new trick.

I'm not exaggerating vhen I say it vill be the greatest experience humans have ever known.

Including fudge.

With one of your famous white tigers.

No non-threatning good looks Matt Lauer, ve have a new lead Lion,

and ve vould like to debut him on the national television, In front of your 40 millions viewers.

Yeah, his name's Larry. And ve are all expecting greats things from him.

Yah, ve are all counting on Larry.

The man.

They come.
They'll goof you up good.

You haven't said a word all day, what's wrong ?

-Nothing.
-You're not worried about the Today Show, are you ?

I don't know, everybody's making such a big deal out of it.

I mean I'm not the kind of guy that goes on TV, I'm the kind of guy who lies in front of the TV.

I'd just sort of hit my strides with that.

You're gonna do great. The best you can do is just relax and try not to think about it.

I hope you don't mind, the door whas opened.

Larry, congratulations.

You're out of vermouth.

Blake, Victoria, what a nice surprise.

Yeah, like when the gas wears off early and the dentist is buckling his pants.

Garry, I just wanted to say, no hard feelings.

Oh sure, I'm usually the go-to guy for national television,

but I'm all for seeing the common people rise above.

To Lary the lion.

The hopes and dreams of every child in this community rest on your

sloping dandruff-laden shoulders.

-Here here
-Come along dear, before you ruin an other baboon liver.

Jey, I want to get the name of his dentist.

-Hum.
-Hey dad, I heard you on the Today show.

When you're on TV, would you give me a special signal ?

Hum, OK.
How about this ?

Fine.

This day just gets worse and worse.

Larry, just who I'm looking for.

-Snack, I really don't have time...
-Say hello to my friend Hy

Hy who ?

Down here, you big throw-rug, what is it ? You day off in a morron factory ?

Larry, meet Hy Larious, he's a stand-up comic.

People are so excited about your debut and promoting a all night fiesta.

We'll party down till the day down and watch you on the day show.

Hy's a opening hat.

Hy, toss Larry a few chuckles.

You got it Snackella.

My boss fired me yesterday, I started to cry.

My boss said I can't watch a grown man cry, so I gave him a blindfull ! Cappaw !

That was terrible.

Yeah, and you're g*y.

This doesn't make any sense.

Well, the kids love him, grandpa.

This fiesta's gonna be huge.

My best friend debuing on the Today Show. Epic.

How am I ever gonna pull this off ?

Always make sure your profile is to the C camera.

Heuh ?

And look to the back of the audience. That way it will seem like you are looking at the people at home.

Ok.

And the day before the show, stay away from heavy food and sauces.

You don't want to make dodo in front of millions of people.

That only works for the monkeys.

Why all the free advices ?

Shut up and watch this.

It was the doday show 30 years ago.

Barbara Walters had just finished tasting fondue for the first time.

Oh, Joe, It's bread, but it has hot cheese on it.

Barbara, that's terrific. Fondue, hein ?

Alright, but now, listen to this we're gonna meet two yong men with an exciting new magic act :

Siegfried and Roy.

Oh my god, is that you ?

Yep.
Now watch what happends.

Hmhm !
Roll, kitty, roll kit...

Holly cow, who's that ?

Blake as a baby.
Later on the show, he gets felt up by Elton John.

Why are you showing me this ?

My performance on the Today Show was the worst failure of my career.

I was embarassed in front of my familly, my maker and

Mr Joe Goragiola.

From that day forward, whenever Siegfried and Roy had a major TV apearance, they went with the tigers.

Waouh.

But you have a chance to redeem me and all lions on the Cadillac of the morning shows.

They win in total households, all key demos, and Katie Couric's got that good-girl-but-probably-wild-in-the-sack thing going on.

Brother, you got dead right.

I don't know if I can do this.

With my help you can. Cause as a lion you got it here and in here.

Hi, hi, tickles !

You sure you're all lion ? Maybe a chimp schtup your grandma.

Ah, that flight from New-York always wears me out.

Then at least we are away from that horrible Matt Lauer.

Vhat is it vith you and Matt Lauer ?

Arh, he's amways interrupting Katie.



He had just defeated Stefan Edberg at the Globenspitten in Blockshsterstein unt Matt Lauer cut her off.

Vhere in the vorld is Matt Lauer, I vish someday they vould not find him.

Siegfried, this sillyness is all in your head. Matt Lauer has always been good to us.

I am warning you, don't be an a*s of jacks !

If it is boon picking season, allow me to get a floppy hat und a hoe.

Vhy did you promise Her Lauer that our trick vould be the greatest thing humans have ever known ?

I know of no such trick.

I vas of the moment.

Now leave me alone or I vill put you in a box, throw it on a conveyer belt and send it into ten rolling zawblades.

Sveet Darryl Hannah, that is our new trick. Ve have done it again.

Even vhen ve fight, ve make magic.

Hello Kate. It's almost time for wrestle.

Where's our boy ? I'm gonna need to take some publicity shots to promote Larry's debut all night fiesta.

-Fiesta ?
-Yeah, that's mexican for party.

-We're gonna have salsa !
-That's a spicy red dip.

-Kate, these are my fiesta babes. Chenney and Changa.
-Ola.

Here they come !

Alright champ, there's nothing left to teach you.

-Make the lions proud.
-I'm ready.

Oh and Larry, I want you to know

if you were my own son, I'd be pretty disapointed but I'd make do.

Thanks Sarmoti.

Greetings lovely animals.

Hallo !

Ok, enouch vith the chitchat.

Now, say hello to our special trick : scary box 5000.

Doopsy Asy... I forgot the scary part.

Ok. Her's hot it vorks.
Larry will run up this ramp and jump into this voden box.

These then send the box into the zawblades und certain doom.

Or is it.

Seriously, I forgot. Vhat ve decide ?

No doom.

Now vhen larry gets in the box, he pulls a lever, drops into a secret compartment unt pops out as aside.

Sigfried, they're annimals. Just give them the broad strokes.

Larry, begin the take.

Unt voila, Larry drops into the secret compartment.

I said : Larry drops into the secret compartment.

Vhy is not Larry droping into the secret compartment ?

Larry is not doing it. This is not good.

Blake, you're the right size, you try.

Siggy, the big trick is tomorrow, vhat do we do ?

Larry is out, Blake is in.

I'm not getting my special signal on TV.

Hunter, please, be a little more considerate. Dad just fell miserably in front of everybody we know.

Sierra, take Hunter and go out.

I can't believe I couldn't pull a stupid lever. What's wrong with me ?

I'll tell you. You're a looser and you'll always be a looser.

You realise what a disaster this is ?

Thanks to you a lousy stinking tiger is going on the Today Show instead of our lion.

-Dad, that's enough.
-No Kate, he's right.

I blew it.

Hey eyeballs since you love to stare us so much,

why don't you pretend my face is a receipe book open to a page marked biscuit.

It'll all be happening here, on stage tomorrow at the Mirage.

And as always at a Siegfried and Roy magic show, the one thing guaranteed to up here are smiles.

Oh look at him.

Puting himself in front of a camera, holding a microphone so everyone can hear and see vhat he's saying. So ego !

Thanks fellows, good job as always.

Siegfried, he's a vonderfull man. You're like a dog vith that thing that they won't let go off.

-a bone?
-no, it's long and vite and brighter.

-Carol Channing
-Yah Carol Channing. Matt Lauer is your Carol Channing.

Oh, be that as it may, If you have anything else to say Roy, say it now. Because Matt Lauer won't let you get a vord

-Hi guys.
-See, I told you.

-I was so excited about your new
-New trick ?

-Yeah, it should be a really good
-Show, right ? Show !

I'm sorry, are you upset about something ?

I don't know, you are Matt Lauer, you bring me the news.

Some debut for me, heuh.
I ruined your fiesta.

I let everybody go.

The thing about Burt Reynolds is he was not just good-looking.

I've been over it in my head a million times.
I don't know what happened with that lever.

Smokey and the Bandit , Boogie nights, Deliverance, the cut-head layers and a mustache, wew !

The worst part is I actually let myself get excited about being on TV.

Evening Shade Ha ! Funny stuff.

-Now, it'll never happend.
-Hey, none of that talk you're still the best.

Remember, I'm always here for you Larry, then come on, give me a smile.

Dude, encore.

I think you look great there chief, lean and mean.

Top-notch ! Oups, beautifull fall, monseigneur.

You are the Barichnikov of disaster.

Wonderfull slip. Great surrender to gravity.
Falling. Ground. There you go.

Sorry, I'm all tapped out. You gotta stop watching that.

It's not doing you any good at all.

I just have to accept it, my Today Show failure is something I will never overcome.

Hold it, I've never noticed that before.

Is that ?
I don't believe it.

What ?

Go get the Snout brothers and tell them to meet me at the rehearsal hall.

I'm on it.

Hey boys, thanks for coming.
I need some muscles.

Anything for you Sarmoti. You whant us to spot you while you do squats ?

-Yeah squats !
-one two three four five six seven eight...

Enough with the squats. Help me turn this box over.

Alright dulia.

Hawsome.

Thanks boys. By the way, carefull with the steroids, they call a shrinkage down here.

Worth that !

Hello, what's this ?

My wife wanted a new fur coat but I wanted a new car.

The snail !

Siegfried, vhat are you hiding behind your back ?

It is a little gift for Matt Lauer. Tickets to our saturday morning performance.

But there's no show on saturday mornings.

I know. Unt it is one morning to sleep in.

Delicious !

Siegfried, I am not letting you give fake tickets to Matt Lauer.

I do vhat I vant.
You are not the Kaiser of China.

I am having up to here vith your buzz smudging the good name of Matt Lauer.

Ah ! That's it !

Allright, magic man.

It's gushtaga time.

Bring it, cat man don't.

Oh my

Siegfried Tyron Fischbacher, prepare to meet your...

Guys, please.

-You're right, he does interrupt.
-I told you.

-Liquorish whip ?
-Yes please, that vould be lovely.

Larry, there you are.

Sarmoti, go away.

-Listen, you didn't blow your trick.
-What are you talking about ?

It was sabotage.

That hack snail jamed his shell under the lever. So that wouldn't work when you pulled it.

That little slime ball !

Hey, anyone has seen that slog ?

-He left six hours ago in a big hurry.
-A hurry is when you're moving fast.

Thanks professor.
Six hours, he could be anyway by now.

Hahahaha, suckers ! Ya can't catch the wind.

Next stop, Rio.

Why did you do it, snail ?

Do what ?
I'm a simple humourist.

-Cut the crap.
-I, I don't know what you're talking about.

Really ?

Well, maybe this will help you remember ?

Oh, please ! Not the salt !

Ok, Ok. He promised that if I did it, he would get me on the Today Show.

It's a primo gig. Even though Matt Lauer does tend to cut people off.

Who promised you, who ?

Blake, it was Blake the tiger.

I knew it. He did the same thing to me 30 years ago.

I didn't fall of that ball.

I was knocked off by a conniving tiger cub. He sabotaged me and he sabotaged you.

I knew I didn't blow it.

There's still time. You've got to get to the theater and stop that tiger.

-A tiger is a big cat with stripes.
-You're so smart !

I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, here with an amazing trick. Especially for the Today Show.

-Please welcome the one, the only : Siegfried
-And Roy.

How does it feel, Matt Lauer to have your words snatched away from you by a word burglar ?

-Excuse me ?
-Apology not accepted.

Thank you, thank you.

Now please velcome the star of our illusion, the royal vite tiger Blake.

In a vorld before time, vere Chaos battle confusion. Ten saws fought one crate in an eternal var.

In an eternal var and the great egyptian queen Nefertity decried

-Roy, did you just say titi ?
-Yeah, I did.

Carry on.



Hum, I didn't remember the floor being this soft.

Hello Blake.

Ha ! La... Larry, it's so funny that you're here.

Yeah, it's Hi Larious.

Larry, I'm weak, I need the attention. I'm a wh*re.

I'm a wh*re for the applause.
And you wouldn't hit a wh*re, would you, Larry ?

h* oh make it stop.

Ladies and gentlemen, Blake the tiger.

Or ... Larry the lion.

Magic, you fickle b*tch.

My sign, that's my lame sign !

Matt Lauer, it is time to end this feud that has turned our famillies appart.

-Ve forgive you.
-What are you talking about ?

Don't ruine it.

I have an idea. Let's all go be regular guys unt knock back some brewskies.

-Sounds good to me.
-Shall we ?

Activate rocket pants.