01x04 - Donkey

[bunniefuu]

bright light city gonna set my soul

gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

so get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

lady luck, please, let the dice stay hot

let me sh**t a seven with every shot, Hey !

viva Las Vegas

viva Las vegas

viva

viva...

Las Vegas.

Hey, checkaper out.

That is one sexy leopard.

Hey, baby!
Yeah, you.

You're looking good, baby!

I'm seeing spots!

Hey, here comes that debra chick.

I hear she is...

...wild.

The elephant?
You're into that?

C'mon, you never had the "pinned in the lake" fantasy?

You know, I'm just here at the water's edge getting a drink.

Whoops, I slipped.

Or did I?

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, honey.

Sorry I'm late.
The compound is a madhouse.

All the animals are out trying to catch a glimpse of donkey.

Donkey? You mean donkey from shrek?

Yeah. He's in town sh**ting a commercial for some japanese suv.

Donkey. Please.

He's no actor.
He's got one move.

Yeah, you want to hang out with the goofy green guy.

Show us why.

Make me feel something!

Feh!

That's right, run,

you little wussies!

I've never seen sal this mad!

he's on the roof!

Try to escape! Go, go!

what's going on?

Billy came to school without his protection money.

Idiot! He put us all in jeopardy.

Don't worry about that bully, honey.

I'll talk to his mother.

Great idea, mom.
he'll never get beaten for that.

Hey, buddy, I'm looking forward
to career day at your school tomorrow.

Can't wait to meet your class and tell
all your friends about what I do.

You know, you don't have
to come if you don't want.

Hunter, what's the matter?

Why don't you want daddy
to come to your school?

You see, mom, in his class,

hunter's teetering
on the cusp of loserdom.

His current survival strategy
is to fly under the radar.

or else draw the attention of the cool kids
and risk a hot tail.

- What's a hot tail?
- Hot tail is when we used to

light a match under a guy's tail.

We did it a lot.

But somehow it was always fresh.

Yeah, well, in his class,

hunter is that kid.

I mean, if he does anyithing,

If he enjoys his lunch too much

he gets a hot tail.

How can they tell?

We can tell.

So, dad, what I'm saying
about career day is,

maybe you could just
forget about it,

like you do with everything else.

I could.

Or I could come to your school,

be awesome and make you proud!

great.

Classic.

Hallo, vegas strip!

Hallo, wonder-folk!

It is hello, from roy!

Oh, mein gott!

Stop the car!

What is this monstrosity doing here?

What happened to our
favorite applebee's?

it has been destroyed to
reveal this horrifically charming,

slice of quaint americana!

Oh, this eyesore is appalling!

Where is the neon?

Where is the reassuring corporate logo?

Where is the african-american performer
palatable to middle america,

such as dionne warwick
or lou rawls?!

These small businesses will
destroy our way of life.

Even the name sounds sinister:

"Grandma wilson's bed and breakfast."

This is wrong, and we must stop it!

Not just to have something
to do during the day

but to save the city we love!

So, in conclusion,

pick a career that suits you.

blake, there's someone
here who wants to see you.

His name is...

the mgm lion.

your dad knows the mgm lion?

Yup.

And my mom knows tony the tiger.

She took a nap with him!

Sorry to interrupt.

Just wanted to say hi
to my good buddy, blake,

and tell you all...

Mgm lion! Mgm lion!

So, my friend,
what have you been up to?

Well, I watched a movie
last night and saw myself.

unfortunately class,

we have to say good-bye to blake.

Boo!

I know, I know.

But we asked these
other parents to come,

so let's just tough this out.

So long, kids.

Follow that.

Now here's larry.

Hiya, kids

I'm hunter's dad.

When does it end?

And I'm the lead lion in the siegfried
and roy magic show.

I thought I'd take you on
a personally guided tour

through my exciting day.

A backstage pass to

a big-time vegas extravaganza!

do you know any celebrities
like blake does?

sure, of course.

Like who?

Well, uh, I guess you might say...

next parent! Next parent!

Next parent! Next parent!

Donkey! I know donkey!

You know donkey?

Yeah. I never told you, son,

because I don't like
to brag about it,

but he's a close personal pal of mine.

that's awesome!

- My dad knows the mgm lion!
- Shut up!

Do you and donkey ever high-five?

Once in a while,

but when you high-five
donkey as much as I have,

it gets kind of old.

Usually I just go...

...don-key.

Could you get donkey to come visit our class?

Visit... the class?

Yeah, he's in town
sh**ting a commercial!

Yeah, dad, and since you're
such good friends with him,

it would be really easy
for you to bring him,

like blake brought the mgm lion.

Yeah! Totally!
Bring donkey!

hold on.

I'm sure your teacher wouldn't want
another day where her class is disrupted.

Oh, my god.
Donkey's coming!

He's so hot!

Okay. I'll talk to donkey

and bring him by tomorrow.

Yeah! Your dad knows donkey!

Your dad knows donkey!

How could you have said that?

I don't know, they
were hating me up there.

I feel like a writer
accepting an academy award.

But... donkey?

Why didn't you just
promise them justin timberlake?

Is he into dudes?
What's going on there?

You should have
seen hunter's eyes.

He was pleading with me
not to let him down.

I just couldn't do that to him.

Larry, you have to tell
hunter the truth.

Hunter, no!

Yeah, that's right,

run you wussies!

Look at him, he's
torturing weaker kids.

I can't take
that away from him.

Well, eventually

they're going to find out
that his dad doesn't know donkey.

Wait a minute.

Maybe I can do this.

Donkey's staying in
a bungalow at the mirage.

All I have to do

is get to him, make my case,

convince him to come to hunter's school
and pretend to be my friend!

It's a perfect plan!

You couldn't have gone out
with the lowicki kid.

He beat his drinking
problem, you know.

Hallo.

Yes, he is right. Hallo.

you boys looking for a room?

We would like to file a complaint.

- Who is your parent company?
- Come again?

What corporation owns you?

Westin? Marriott?

Perhaps disney?

Oh, bless your heart, no.

It's just little old me.

I opened this b&b
with my retirement money.

This is not plastic
with a flickering filament.

Can I get you boys anything?

A slice of my homemade pecan pie?

Nein danke, frau wilson.

In fact,

on behalf of the las vegas
historical society,

we demand you install

air conditioning,

a wendy's featuring
krispy-kreme donuts,

and delightful machines
that people can put

their life savings into,
one quarter at a time.

My, you boys sure do say
a lot of words in a row.

If no change is made we will
be forced to stage a protest!

Well, okay, then.
But, before you go,

are you sure there's
nothing I can get for you boys?

We got homemade ice cream...

with real chocolate chips?

Don't fall for it, ziggy!

She smells of cinnamon.

Back! We won't fall

under your spell, succubus!

Oh, mein gott!

You have saved
me once again, roy!

You have not heard
the last of us,

decrepit spellbinder!

Oh, my god, it's him!
It's donkey!

Hey, lookin' good, vegas!

Power-walkin'
three times a week.

Don't forget to floss

for that k*ller smile.

back, freaks!

This guy made $15 million
for shrek 2.

Yeah, and a piece
of the domestic gross.

Currently under audit if
dreamworks will open the books.

Man, security's tight.

Don't worry,
I'll distrcft them.

hey, we should take the word "god"

out of the pledge of allegiance!

My country, right or wrong!
Love it or leave it!

Donkey, hi,

I'm larry, star of the whole
siegfried and roy thing.

Big fan. Waffles? Hilarious.

Look, I'm in a bind.

I need you to visit my kid's
school for five minutes,

you're in, you're out.

It would really mean
the world to him.

Say no more,
anything for a kid.

Just talk to my manager ellen, please.
She'll set the time.

Hi, larry the lion, star of the whole
siegfried and roy thing.

Look, donkey told me
to set up a time for him

- to come to my kid's school...
- not gonna happen.

Okay, I talked
to your manager,

seems like a lovely woman,

but she was not that receptive.

And it's really important to my kid.
He loves you.

Yeah, the kids love donkey.

You go tell her I want
to make this top priority.

Tell her I said
to make it a "code green."

Got it.

Hi, me again.

By the way, great n*pples.

Look, I talked to donkey.

He wants this
to be top priority.

- Code green.
- Not gonna happen.

I feel like I'm getting jerked
around a little bit here.

Larry, let me tell you
about my life, okay, babe?

Every day, I got
a million people asking,

"donkey, will you come
to my birthday party?

"Donkey, can my big ol'
fat cousin ride you?

"Donkey, can I shave you
and then rub soothing aloe

all over your painful bumps?"

And I'd love to say
yes to all my fans,

but if I did that,
I'd have no life.

That's why I have the pig manager
to say no.

Because saying no makes me sad.
You understand?

Especially to children.

When their eyes get big
and their lips start quivering,

and then they
make that sound,

you know, that little children
sound that they...

don't let 'em cry, larry!

Don't let 'em cry!
I just can't take it anymore!

I can't take it!

Stop crying,
you crazy little angel!

But look, hunter's having
a really hard time at school.

See, he's a bit of a geek.

Don't you think I had a hard time in school?
I mean, look at me.

Do you know how many times
I had to hear "donkey is a a*s,"

"donkey is an a*s."

All right! I get it!

They're synonyms.

I hate synonyms, larry!

You know what I do love, though?
Parfaits. Do you like parfaits, larry?

-But...
- No Buts, Larry.

I'm sorry.
There's nothing I can do.

But let your kid know
that shrek 3 is coming out in 2006.

The mom and pop menace
is threatening the fabric

of our wonderful,
garish community!

We will not stand by
and let las vegas

become the next
small town, usa.

I've got your main street
right here.

Now, we will shout
angry things,

to which you
will reply, "ja!"

Ja!

Grandma wilson,

we don't want to know our
neighbors' names.

Right, short, fat bald guy
and lady with face problem?

Ja!

We already have
a town square,

and that is william bennett
when he comes to gamble.

Ja!

If we must have a hoedown,

let it be a hooker
who has stumbled.

Ja!

Ooh, you boys brought
the whole g*ng over.

Would anyone like
some lemonade?

But we are protesting
against your establishment.

- Ain't that something?
- Ja, and get ready for more, old lady.

But first, I need
to find a bathroom.

You can use my bathroom, sweetheart.

How can you have restroom
use for non-customers?

It's just the way we
do things around here.

I give up.

You can't fight that.

She is too strong.

We're finished.

Look at me.

Even I am taking
a load off.

Desperate times
call for desperate measures.

I am the only man

who can save the city we love.

aren't you a nice boy?

I thought you might like that,

grandma wilson.

- So, I'll see you again tuesday?
- Not, so fast.

If you want another
slice of siegfried pie,

there are going to have
to be some changes around here.

"Lazy days and moonlit nights"

"hazy days..."

well, I better tell hunter the truth.

God, he's going to hate me.

There he is with all those kids
wearing cones.

- Hunter's got a crew.
- I'm hungry.

Let's get some food.

Uh, I mean, hunter,

do you want to get some food?

Nah, I'm not hungry.

Stupid.

I was just kidding.

I'm not even hungry.

Hey, conehead.

We asked our dad, and he said
your dad doesn't even know donkey.

He's full of it.

My dad wouldn't lie.

He's awesome.

If he says he knows donkey,

then he knows donkey.

This is a nightmare.

He totally believes me.

Man, if I'd have been
that gullible when I was his age,

I'd be sitting in a basement
in the bronx right now

waiting for someone
to throw me a chicken.

Well, well.

As much as I enjoy watching you
flounder in your own stink,

for the good of my grandson,

I'm going to bail you out.

What can you do?

Donkey's already said no.

There's asking,

and then there's asking.

"And then there's asking"?

no. There's just asking,

and then there's asking.

How do you not know that?

Are you sure this is donkey's villa?

Positive. Shh, here he comes.

remember, like we practiced.

Nice day.

Top of the morning.

Wait a baby might say.

Grab him!

Okay, so we got him.

How are we going to convince him
to actually go to the class?

My claws are sharp,
his face is pretty.

We'll work it out.

Sounds good.

Rodent, don't speak
after I speak.

Just sit there
and carry disease.

Well, here goes.

Oh, thank god!

It was hotter in there
than "free tabasco night"

at a ricky martin concert!

Why are you
talking like that?

Because I'm upset!

I was about to pass out
in there!

Though your duct tape
did just wax my mustache

to a silky sheen.

Thank you for that.

Wait a minute.

Are you donkey?

If I were,

would I be living
behind a gas station

with a puerto rican goat
named manuel?

Enough of your riddles!

Are you
or are you not donkey?

No, I am not donkey!

I am, however,
his more talented stunt double,

and you have kidnapped
the wrong jackass, jackass.

What are we gonna do now ?

I know this great
after-hours club,

but you kind of
have to be skinny.

I mean about kidnapping
the wrong donkey.

We have to be in hunter's
class in an hour.

Ooh, that is a problem.

Donkey's already on the
set of his commercial.

How could we
have been so stupid?

Although, to be fair,
you do look exactly like donkey.

Wait a second.

If we couldn't tell the difference
between donkey and this guy...

then maybe they're related.

I'll bet they've got
the same daddy!

The kids won't know
the difference, either.

We could just bring him
to the class.

Um, and why should I help you?

How would you like to perform
in front of a live audience?

You can't talk,
but you can dance,

do stunts,

and finally get that chance
to be the star you were meant to be.

I'll do it!

Buddy hugs!

I could just lose myself
in your chest.

Oh, where is
that stunt donkey?

you better find him, cause I ain't getting
in that suv, ellen.

Those things roll over.

Consumer reports, july 2004.
Go on, check it out.

You won't eat hot dogs
again either, trust me.

Man, where is that stunt donkey?

If he's out there
at that skinny club with that manuel,

I'm going to be pissed.

Better, ja?

ja. That festering boil on the face
of our fair city is gone forever.

"You'll never find..."

siegfried, our entire city
owes you a debt of gratitude.

"Someone who loves you"

You have safed Las-Vegas.

I did what I had to do.
I am just glad it's behind me.

"You'll never find..."

uh... I need to catch up
with lou rawls.

I'll be back in an hour.

kids, are you ready to meet donkey?

now, he's got laryngitis,
so he can't speak,

but he's real
excited to be here.

Please welcome the world famous
hollywood movie sensation,

and my good friend...

donkey!

Hi, donkey!

Wrap it up.

thank you, thank you,
you're too kind!

And now I'm going to do
some of my scenes for y'all.

Check it out.

Indy, watch out
for that temple of doom!

Nothing my bullwhip
can't handle, cause then

it's the fight scene.

moving into a little beyonce!

"Baby boy, you stay on my mind,

fulfill my fantasies..."

awhoo, yes!

You're not donkey!

You're an impostor!

Hunter's dad is evil.

He played with our dreams!

Enough! I admit
he isn't the real donkey,

but this guy came here

and tapped his little heart out.

We live in troubled times,

and there's a lot of bad stuff
that could happen to any of us,

but for a few moments,

he helped us remember
that there's still some good in this world.

Boo!

This sucks!

You, fat one,
I just wet myself.

Class dismissed, so we can all get over
how lame that was.

I'm sorry, buddy.

I was really trying
to help you out.

Jermeece?!
Flaky drama queen where is he?!

- Jermeece?!
- Your dad doesn't know donkey!

Your dad's a big fat liar!

Conehead!

Conehead!

Brace face!

Brace face! Brace face!

Okay, knock it off now.

don't take it out on hunter.

The truth is...

hi, everybody!

that's right. Put your eyeballs
back in your head.

It's really me.

We love you, donkey!

well, see, I promised my buddy larry
I'd come and visit the class,

but I thought I couldn't make it,
so I sent my stunt double instead.

Sorry for the confusion, lar.

No problem, don-key!

Yeah, don't do that.

Okay, kids, this has been a real treat for you,
but I can't stay.

I got to get back to that commercial
I'm sh**ting for the wonderful suv,

the new rockmonster
from sundaki!

Mountain, rook out!

larry, you know what?
You're crazy, but you all right.

Listen, the next time you in L.A.,
I want you to come by my house,

and we'll sh**t some pool,
watch my big screen and climb my rock wall.

Thanks, that sounds great!

Not gonna Happen.

Your people k*lled mama cass!

She-she was a singer.
Choked on a ham sandwich.

So, you being friends with donkey
That was just a lie?

Yeah. I'm sorry.

It's okay.

Thanks, dad.

Guess you don't really know
any celebrities, huh?

That's not true.

I know justin timberlake.

You know Justin timberlake?!

Justin timberlake?!

yeah, jermeece, uh, right.

You know, I liked a lot
of what you did there,

but I'm still not quite feeling
my love for the rockmonster.

Like when those boulders
are hitting you

donkey loves that,
he don't feel no pain.

And keep your eyes open.

You're making me
look all squinty.

I think I broke my shin.

Terrific. Let's do
one more take for safety.

Man, these shoots
are exhausting.

Ow. Son of A...