01x07 - One Man's Meat Is Another Man's Girlfriend

[bunniefuu]

Bright light city gonna set my soul

gonna set my soul on fire

I got a whole lot of money that's ready to burn

so get those stakes up higher

I'm gonna give it everything I got

lady luck, please, let the dice stay hot

let me sh**t a seven with every shot

hey, viva Las Vegas

viva Las vegas

viva

viva...

Las Vegas.

Okay, kitties, let's go. London Bridge. Uppen zie!

Larry, gross ! Your paws are all sweaty.

What do you expect ? You're showing me all eight n*pples.

Good, meow-meows. Siegfried, come give the kitties a hug.

I'm busy.

What? You're reading.

No, I'm thinking of our next illusion.

Ach, I hate it when you play the magic card.

Is the card that you hate me for playing, perhaps...

a ten of clubs ?

Amazing ! How do you always know ?!

Come, I will tell you over fondue.

Mmmm, fondue.

Break time, felines ! Relax.

Dude, good news !

I just dropped a b*mb in a pot of hot cheese backstage.

Nice. What else is going on ?

Eh, went on another date with that girl last night. It was fine. You know me with the ladies.

Come on, haven't you seen her, like, ten nights in a row ?

And what's that smell ?

Is that soap ?

I admit it, Larry. I love this girl !

I took a bath.
I even cleaned my business !

Larry, this girl is fantastic !

She's sweet, she's funny, she's got the biggest...

buck teeth you've ever seen.

I don't even know why I bothered learning them other numbers in math because I have found the one !

Hey, honey, Snack's in love.

Oh, who's the lucky sock puppet ?

Not this time, Kate. I've found my soul mate.

It's not like that sham "arrangement" that you and Larry have.

Okay, through thhoop, kitties.
Larry, you first.

Larry, why are you wearing of the hoop ?

He is not wearing it, he is fat.

Unt he is your lion, which makes you fat, too.

I'm going to travel forward in time and scowl at you.

I have arrived.

But you are right, our lead lion cannot be a blubberpuss.

Starting now, Larry and I begin to diet.

Between the two of us, we will lose at least 15,000 pounds.

Come, on, Chaz, while we still have fur.

As Frank said to that foxy dealer at the Dunes,

"I'm all in".

How about you, Duke ? You in ?

I'd rather be towel-snapped by a bunch of rowdy high school boys than stay in this pot.

-Bernie ?
-Oh, what difference does it make ?

Because you're gonna win anyway, right, Chief ?

This guy's the best. He could sell mittens to a snake, pogo-sticks to a kangaroo,

extension cords to...

-Shut it.
-Absolutely. It would be an honor to shut it for you, sir.

I'm in.

I call.

Pair of sevens.

King high.

Ha. Two pair. Sorry, boys, I win again.

-I'm busted, man.
-That's it,

-I'm done.
-I'm out.

Hey, anybody want to go to the Watering Hole ?

It's ladies' night. We can drink cosmos and dish till we drop.

"Cosmos." Man, that Duke really knows women.

I can't believe he doesn't have a lady on his arm every night.

Super-g*y.

Ooh, I forgot my ascot. You know, it's cashmere.

Wow, Grandpa. You're pretty lucky.

It ain't luck. I figured out their tells.

-Their what?
-Their tells.

It's how they give away their hand.

When Bernie's bluffing, he twirls a whisker. With Chaz, his tongue peeks out of his mouth.

And if Duke has a good hand, he gets so excited his mane shoots straight up like the bride of Frankenstein.

So basically, you're cheating.

There are no friends in poker. It's k*ll or be k*lled.

I can't believe I'm related to you.

Believe it. That's where you get your brains, your courage and your small but elegant feet.

Good night, Carol.

What the...?

Dad, Were you playing poker in here with your friends?

No, I'm a drunk, sweetheart. You know that.

Whatever. Just no gambling in front of the kids.

Oh, don't you worry, Kate, there's no gambling on my watch.

Uh-huh.

Unbelievable, Grandpa. Now you just lied to my mom.

Shouldn't you be out, dear ? Getting something pearced ?

That's it, that's it, Larry.

Get your rabbit. Get your dinner.

You think you can eat me?!
Step on it, maggot! Get your rear in gear!

Move it, fatbody, or I will rip off your head and drop pellets down your neck !

Hustle up! Pick 'em up and set 'em down!

Move, move, move !
Ooh-rah.

-Okay, water break.
-Oh, thank God.

You lazy p*nsy-a*s. You're the reason we lost in Vietnam.

Yah, that's a good rabbit, you want some water ?

Larry, thank God, I got an emergency.

I'm making a mix CD for my girlie. Should "Sexual Healing" come before or after "Sad Eyes"?

Always... finish...

with Marvin.

Of course.

Hey, how about we all go together for a drink tonight? I really want you to meet her.

Ready for round two.

Feel the burn, Lar. See ya tonight.

And now, tow dozen wind sprints.

But so tired... so hungry.

You got a problem, Sweet Cheeks? 'Cause I will stick my lucky foot up your backside,

chew off your man-eggs and deliver 'em next Easter in a basket !

To be clear, you're not actually in the military, right ?

I don't care if you hate me. I've got 110 brothers and sisters who love my fluffy a*s.

This diet sucks.

I'm a giant carnivore, not Lara Flynn Boyle.

In fact, I could go for a Lara Flynn Boyle right about now.

Mom, Dad, can Justin come over tonight ?

Oh, is he that boy without a wiener? If so, then yes, absolutely.

Sierra, you know you're not allowed to have boys over while your father and I are out of the house.

What is it about meat that mak it so delicious ?

And with my metabolism, I can eat and eat and never put on an ounce.

Do you think there's a god, Larry ?

-What are you doing ?
-Nothing.

Larry, I want you to stay away from the edible neighbors.

Hi, Carol.

Seriously, Carol is head of the PTA and a good friend. If you ate her, I'd be humiliated.

I'd never eat her.

Oh, yeah ? That's what you said about our maid. Remember, the hamster ?

She was stealing from us.

Just be carefull okay ? You're a lion on a diet.

I'll see you later.

Oh, Snack, you're so adventurous.

Oh, yeah ? You should see my tax return.

Next time, ask.

Baby, this is Larry. Larry, this is the love of my life, Candy.

Enchantee.

Candy ?

Yeah, do it girl.

Ooh, she working up a little glow, too.

Hey, Larry, check it out. When she sweats, she smells just like a Nutter Butter.

Go ahead, eat her.

You know there's nothing more delicious than sweet, tender gopher meat.

Do it ! Do it, do it.

Larry, Snack is your friend. And that girl's just an innocent...

Oh, that is good gopher.

Mmm, refreshing.

All right, Duke, what's it gonna be ?

Uno.

What the hell ? I'm in for 20.

-Bernie, gone.
-I'm out.
-Later, baby.

sh**t. Whenever I have a great hand, you guys always fold.

I got it.

Hi, Justin.

Hi. I caught this for you.

Oh, that's so nice. I'll rip it to pieces later.

Hold it, Slick. Sierra, you are not allowed to have boys over.

Now, get rid of him, or I'll rat you out.

Okay. I guess I'll have to tell Mom you're gambling in the house.

Okay, Romeo, but keep your paws off of her.

I make one call, you're a rug at some rapper's house.

-Jacks or better to open.
-Deal them.

So, what do you want to do ?

Well, I wouldn't mind playing some poker.

I still have some of my bar mitzvah money.

-Well, all right then.
-Mazel tov.
-Come on.

Justin, I don't want to play cards.

Oh, okay. Well, I guess I don't have to.

All right, guys, it's go-time. Deal me in. What do you guys play, huh ? Chase the ace, follow the queen ?

What ?

Hope you guys brought your social security checks. Ha.

I need another cab-i-net sow-vig-non.

I'll get it, baby.

Hey, waiter !

Oh, there he goes. Waiter ?

Unbelievable.

What ?

Don't play dumb. I saw you copping a sniff. It's obvious.

You want to eat my girlfriend.

Eat her? No. That's crazy.

I just think of her as a friend.

Larry, I am not an idiot.

Okay, fine. She's a delicious-looking woman. I admit that.

And I'm not gonna lie to you. Later when I'm eating my celery, I'm going to be thinking about her.

But I'd never eat her.

I'm sorry, Lar. I guess I'm just kind of possessive because I... I love her.

That's cool, buddy. I understand.

Yoo-hoo, Waiter ?

Baby, sit tight. One wine, comin' up.

Remind me, at some point we need to talk business so I can write this off.

Au revoir.

So...

So...

I'm leaving Snack.

What?
But...

he loves you.

I know. That's the problem.

You can't do this. Snack thinks you're the one.

Yeah, but I could never lo a guy like him.

Do me a favor, huh ?

Tell him good-bye for me ?

But...
But...

Told you, you should have eaten her. She's a b*tch.

I can't believe it ! I'm all cleaned out.

I lost everything !

I'm gonna get drunk. This is the beginning of a downward spiral for me.

Justin !

Grandpa, he didn't know what he was getting into !

Sierra, when are you gonna learn ? Being cutthroat is in your blood.

I'll never be like you !

Man, Britney Spear skeeps getting hotter.

I'd like to do some things to her.

Hey, baby, the sommelier told me this was the finest bottle in the house.

-Thanks again, Eric.
-Don't look at me!

Where's Candy ?

I'm... I'm sorry, pal.

She's gone.

Gone ? What do you mean, gone ?

Oh, my God, she left me. Why would she do that ?

I thought she really dug me.

She did, she did.

No, Larry, I was kidding myself. No woman is ever gonna love me.

I'm unlovable !

Don't look at me !

Don't look at me !

Snack, she didn't leave you.

Then where is she ?

I... She...

I ate her.

What ?

Yeah. It was the diet.

I, uh, I couldn'help myself.

You... you barbarian !

I thought you were my friend !

-I am your friend.
-No, you're not.

I have no friends !
I have no one !

Pour quoi !

I just couldn't tell Snack the truth.

I mean, she said she could never love a guy like him.

I hate her !

Then again, he is repulsive.

Kate, this was the first time I ever saw Snack in love.

And I'm afraid if I tell him what happened, he'll shut down completely and he'll never be able to love again.

Oh, my God, that rabbit did take my man eggs.

-Larry ! Where are you ?
-Ooh, down!

Tubby kitty ! Time to burn calories with the skipping of rope!

Oh, well.

Cinderella dressed in yellow Went downtown to meet a fella

On the way, her girdle busted How many people were disgusted ?

Eins, zwei, drei, vier...

I just have to face it, Kate. I lost my best friend.

You haven't lost him.

You're a lion, he knows you eat things.

I mean, wasn't he dating the hamster maid you ate ?

Yeah, but she was Episcopalian. There was a lot of stuff she wouldn't do.

Well, he got over that, he'll get over this.

Thank you all for coming to Candy's memorial service.

Now, I'd like to share something with you that was special to us.

We loved this, this was our song.

Welcome back boys, I'm feeling lucky this evening.

Grandpa, you have to give Justin his money back.

I'd love to give your boyfriend his money, but I spent it.

Yeah, right. You've at least gotta give me a chance to win it back.

All right, you're in.

But no girl talk.

I don't want to hear how hot Burt Reynolds is.

Yeah, Miss Thing. Nothing about his broad shoulders or his manly hands.

In other memories: Candy loved it when I pretended to be a pirate.

She loved children.

What are you doing ?

It's my best friend's girlfriend's fake funeral. I have to be there.

He thinks you k*lled her.

I'm not saying it's not awkward.

This diet is making you insane.

Look, we'll just stand over here.

My beloved Candy believed in reincarnation.

She always said that in a past life, she was that dingo that ate that baby.

Why do people always think they used to be someone famous ?

Good-bye, baby. I'll miss you forever.

And now... I hear my beloved calling out to me

from that lion's stomach !

That's right ! Larry, my ex-best friend, ate a loving, defenseless gopher !

Uh, maybe I shld talk to a lawyer.

So, did seeing your boyfriend cry make him more or less attractive ?

Ah Ah! That's good.

Oh, I like a man who cries.

Which is why I'm gonna love you when you see my cards.

I call. Two pair.

Oh, Shabbat Shalom. How did she know I was bluffing ?

Well, she cleaned me out, too.

Chaz, for the record, I'm telling my wife I loaned you money for rehab.

It's just you and me, kid. You know, you can walk away now and call yourself a winner.

Deal the cards, Bernie.

Three cards.

Three cards.

I'm all in.

You should probably fold. I've got a topnotch hand.

Don't you worry Kate. There's no gambling on my watch.

I'd love to give your boyfriend his money, but I spent it.

All right en, baby doll. I'll call you later.

Well ?

I'm all in.

Aw, nuts.

All I got's a...

full house.

What?! But...

But you...?!

Scratched my chin ?

You just got played by the master.

Thanks for the cabbage, grasshopper.

See ya, fellas.

-Good night.
-All right. See you later.

What's wrong ?

I told Justin I'd get his money back because it's his mom's birthday,

and now he can't even buy her a card. And I'm sure he blames me. I hate this stupid game!

I-I'm sorry bubie.

Here's your money.

I don't want it.

No, no, no, take it. It's yours.

And what's-his-name's money is in there, too.

Tell him to get his mom a crockpot or whatever it is you broads cook in.

Thank you, Grandpa.

Hey, I just got played, didn't I?

Big time.

I knew she had it in her.

She's gonna be the one that puts me in a home.

Hey, buddy. You still mad at me ?

Oh, look who's here. The lady k*ller.

And I don't mean the good kind, like Billy Dee Williams or David Copperfield.

Look, I know you're upset, but maybe she's not the girl you thought she was.

You mean now that you've turned her into poo ?

Snack, I'm just saying...

You took away the only woman who ever loved me.

What could you possibly have to say that would make one ounce of difference ?

I...

Nothing. You're right.

Candy ? Oh, my God ! You're alive !

I don't believe it. What happened ? I thought I lost you forever.

Hang on, sweetie.

Hi. Did anyone turn in a belly ring ?

If I don't put it back in soon, the hole will close back up.

I, I don't get it. Larry didn't eat you ?

Huh? You thought I died ?

That's so sweet. No, I dumped you.

-What ?
-I told Larry to tell you.

Larry knew...

Yeah, well, I gotta run. I've got a new boyfriend. He's a lemming.

He and a bunch of his friends are taking me hiking at Half Dome !

Candy, slow down. Don't lemmings go to Half Dome to jump to their...

Have fun !

Sorry, buddy.

Yeah. I don't know what to say, Larry.

You're a real friend.

I'd kiss you if you didn't have that funky diet breath.

You would've done the same thing for me.

Doubtful, Larr.

You know what ? You need a break from your diet.

Let me buy you dinner.

Now we're talkin'.

I'll go find a waiter.

There you are ! I'm not done with you, wide load.

That's right. Run ! Before I grab a carrot and use it as a thermometer.

You don't ask, and I won't tell.

Move it !