02x21 - Don Tyxote

[bunniefuu]

Do you see this?

Propolis is depicted as one of many tiny warring city-states.

At least they showed us as warring.

My army is basically just me these days.

A ton of my best guys got really into woodworking and stopped showing up.

Not again. I just got this washed.

Excuse me. King coming through.

King of what? Spilling gruel on yourself?

I didn't spill it on myself.

One of my careless subjects dropped it out of a window on me.

Subjects. Is that what you think of us?

I always thought we were more like equally valuable acquaintances.

I'm beginning to think you have a leadership problem.

No, it's a toga problem.

I'm going to pick up a couple of spares at that menswear tent over there.

Ow! God, it's happening again.

Where's this crawl coming from?

Hello? Is anyone here?

It's King Tyrannus and I'm having a toga emergency.

King Tyrannus, eh?

It looks like you're having quite a day.

The name's Chira, lonely w*r widow.

I have to work in this menswear tent because my husband died invading someplace he shouldn't have.

My sister.

Oh my God.

Relax. That's just a little w*r widow humor.

But your husband is dead, right?

Oh yeah, he is. And he slept with my sister.

But the bigger tragedy is, I don't think that toga is doing you any favors.

Why don't you try this on?

Ah, I think it would look great on you.

Oh, wow. That is nice.

I know what you're thinking. You're the king. You should have more medals. Let me get them.

Yes, thank you. Please, more medals. I like to tinkle when I walk.

These bring out your eyes.

And I know you didn't mean that you like to pee yourself when you walk.

I'm a w*r widow, not an idiot.

So what do you say?

Is my chest getting bigger? I feel like I could do anything.

I feel like you could too.

This is big. This is going to change things for me.

That's the power of Chira's house of second-hand dead husband stuff.

Oh, hello.

So, who's this commanding fellow?

It's a pretty good look, right?

I can't believe I'm saying this, but yes.

I didn't even know you had good features,

but they're all popping right now.

What happened to the toga and the backup toga?

Gruul again.

Toga tie was the old tie.

I'm trying something new, and you know what I realise?

We've been complacent with mediocrity for too long.

We need to make some changes around here.

Who is this son, and where can I sign up for something?

Listen up. This family needs to be more goal-oriented

if we're going to lead Kropopolis to a bigger and better future.

And that's my goal, a bigger and better Kropopolis.

Damn, this suit makes me feel good. Dad, you start.

Well, I'd like to up the stakes of my sexual role-play with your mother.

Things have been a little same-same,

which is still pretty wild for other people, but not us.

Okay, so what's holding you back?

Well, I suppose I can find an old wizard

who could turn me into anything I want.

And I've been meaning to try out some different forms.

We can meet in a bar as sexy strangers.

Excellent. Let the stranger danger begin.

Maybe it's not an inspired goal, but at least it's clearly defined.

Hippo, what are you working on?

I've noticed you haven't debuted anything in a while,

so it must be pretty good.

What? Why would I tell you that?

I don't answer to you. I have a lot of irons in the fire.

In fact, I should check on them. I'm checking on my irons!

So, Stoop, you sure have had time to comment on what I'm doing,

but what are you working on?

I got a raid later.

Nomadic tribe in our hinterlands grazing their sheep.

You're seriously telling me that the greatest warrior in the world

is doing a raid on nomadic shepherds?

Yeah, I'm gonna take their sheep and conscript the shepherds into my army.

I didn't say they were peaceful shepherds.

Well, make griddle me this. Whatever happened to Persia?

You know I'd love to sink my sword into that fat, juicy empire, but...

But what?

Friggin' woodworking, man! That's why I gotta raid and conscript

and hope the new recruits don't also have the jointing and planing bug.

You told me I have a leadership problem,

but maybe you should take a look in the mirror.

Citizens of Kropopolis, it is I, your King Tyrannus.

There's something about you today. We're wrapped!

Yeah!

Good, because I need a favour. Nay, I have a demand. Nay, a decree.

I decree that all citizens will now be required to serve mandatory military service.

Oh!

Yes, you there!

Hello! Hi, I'm Timon. Very excited about following you anywhere.

I'm a new dentist in town, and I don't usually get to dress too crazy.

Could we get cool outfits too?

Hell yeah! I was thinking something pretty flashy.

Maybe a breastplate and a helmet with a spray of colour.

Ooh!

Can the breastplate have the outline of muscles even if I don't have muscles?

Yes, Joshua.

Yes!

Can the helmets have those...

Okay, I have a picture of it, but I'm trying...

It's almost like a plume or like a...

It's sh**ting out of your head, sort of. Do you know what I mean?

Something that someone sees it from far away and goes,

that's not a dentist. That can't be a dentist.

But then they get up close and they're like, oh, this is a cool dentist.

I think that's a great idea.

And I'll look forward to learning what a dentist is.

You might not love it.

Uh, Barfuss here. Citizen goat slaughterer. Also new in town.

Just one question. Can the uniform bottom be a kicky little skirt?

My legs are my best asset, you see?

You got it, Barfuss. We're all gonna look great.

And with your gorgeous help,

Cropopolis is going to grow to be an unstoppable empire.

We're going to Persia!

Yeah!

One last thing!

Will you be the one leading us into battle?

I...

will!

Yeah!

I'm here!

I'm here! I'm here!

Okay, why?

I'm supposed to be guarding this gate.

I just completely forgot I had work today.

What was that?

A usurper moth.

They can tell if a throne's about to be empty,

then infest it and take over the whole city.

I've never heard of those and I thought I knew all the moths.

I am a big bug guy.

Okay, bug guy. Well, they're a serious threat.

Luckily, I've invented weapons for exactly this kind of situation.

Well, that's a good thing because I would not know what to do.

Every time I try to defend anything, I keep almost cutting off my own head.

Don't worry, because I've thought of everything.

These moths are coming here looking for Cropopolis.

And we're going to give them Trapopolis.

Well, all right. I guess that makes sense and I...

Oh!

Look at these Joycos.

Stupendous!

Stupendous?

Who knows?

You need it, guys?

Well, I've got guys.

Are you kidding?

Thank you.

Why don't you guys start stretching while I talk to my sister?

This is so freaking awesome.

I'm sorry I ever doubted you.

It is awesome.

But something my army and I were thinking is,

I should lead this one.

The guys, they practically demanded it.

And you did say I have a leadership problem.

And inspiring an army is a two-person job.

Really, this is mostly your idea.

For you to lead my dream invasion of Persia?

Well, at this point, isn't it our dream invasion?

I did get all these soldiers.

Yeah, and scared off those violent shippers I was going to conscript.

Actually, we're right here.

What?

We're not attacking.

We were just so inspired.

We want to join you.

Go, Stuporanus.

Or, Typendous.

Or, we'll figure it out.

Bart, I'm going to need something soaring and inspirational,

but also a little bit somber.

Don't be afraid to be upbeat.

Fear has no place in my conquest.

You got that?

Soaring, inspirational, somber, and upbeat.

No fear.

Anything for you.

If you're done with the music,

I've laid out several strategies here for our dream invasion.

Don't love the tone, but...

Oh, what have you got here?

Mind if I take a look?

Of course not.

Of course, yes.

This is top-secret information, and you don't have clearance.

Now get out of here, dentist.

Stealing my job may have been weirdly easy,

but invading frickin' Persia is complicated.

And what's this?

Yogurt?

Bees?

This is all for your breakfast, isn't it?

It's a very important meal, which I've had.

Delicious.

So, I'd say let's pack it up and get moving.

Let's go, troops.

We wouldn't want Persia to come to us first, would we?

Do you even have a plan?

I was thinking I'd impose some of our superior Kropoplyan culture

on the Persians.

Not necessarily impose, just, you know,

in case anyone didn't guess it at first.

The invasion part, Ty!

Oh, well, you said you had some plans.

Why don't we use a couple of those?

Do you even know if we're walking in the right direction?

I am going to roll the dice and say yes.

Ugh! You're right.

Yes!

This is the only way to Persia.

How are you gonna get through

when it feels like two mountains are hugging you to death?

Fellas, let's get in formation.

What the? How did that work?

Exactly the shape I was thinking of.

And I'll be the pointy point.

You can't be the pointy point.

You'll be a sitting duck.

I'll hold a shield.

You took me by surprise,

which is exactly what we're going to do to the Persian army.

A turtle drinking piping hot red wine.

Like I wouldn't recognise your signature drink.

Oh, that is very funny, schlub.

Hello.

I'm in town for an insurance convention.

I don't know anyone.

Do you come here often?

I have a feeling I will.

I think it's time for a random animal entrance.

This is gonna be legendary.

Wow!

I know, right?

Get a load of this.

You're a friggin' genius!

I know!

I'm telling you,

you're not taking adequate precautions.

Watch out for fallen goats.

It sounds weird, but it happens.

See?

I'm on it!

Everyone, thank Barfus for dinner.

Yeah!

I've got the marinade!

Nobody freak out.

Think of this like being sat on by a servant during a thunderstorm.

Why do you think anyone would get that but you?

I can wrap my head around the concept.

There she is.

I miss the real you.

Although the other one did leave quite the impression.

You were a tiger.

And you were a chair.

Another hot red barman.

Oh, that's odd.

A turtle in a bar.

Seems perfectly normal to me.

That's not the form you took earlier?

It is not.

I was a sort of tiger man,

which I thought we were just discussing.

Does this mean...

Deliria, darling.

You fooled around with a turtle.

Well, that means you did too.

Not a turtle, but...

Wait a minute.

Did you say chair?

Now, don't take this the wrong way.

Did you sleep with a chair, schlub?

I thought you were a chair,

so I hummed that chair.

A chair?

Well, now, hold on.

How on earth could you think I was a chair, schlub?

This is a new low, and not one of the good ones.

A chair?

Of all this world's perversities,

there is only one I cannot abide.

The kink shame.

I'm off.

You can't walk out.

I'm walking out.

Humiliating animal exit.

Well, that was a cheap shot.

Wow, these moths just keep showing up.

They're relentless.

What are you doing?

Uh, just making sure we can see the moths when they attack?

Wait!

Are you deliberately bringing the moths here?

What?

No, you crazy.

That's... what?

Blow out the candle, then.

I really didn't expect you to know that light attracts moths.

I told you, I'm a big bug guy!

Do you see that over there?

That's friggin' Persia!

I get it.

This whole day has been a luck-filled tickle party.

But it's about to get real.

You're gonna see blood coming out of places

you didn't know blood was from.

Stu, you're freaking them out.

I should freak them out.

That's w*r!

And all due respect to your suit,

I think I should be at the front lines.

I'm a master of hand-to-hand combat.

I feel like sometime over the course of today,

we all forgot that.

If it's so important to you to be at the front, go ahead.

Ah!

Ah, hello, hello!

Sorry, I was just washing my hair.

I didn't expect anyone at this hour.

Invaders usually wait until sundown.

See? Element of surprise.

Don't let your guard down.

Let me guess, you're here to conquer us.

It's the suit that gave it away, isn't it?

I mean, it's a great suit.

But seriously, we're the first city on the outskirts

of the Persian Empire.

This kind of thing happens all the time.

Where's your army?

Hmm, at this time of day?

Probably napping.

But they wouldn't get involved with this anyway.

They wouldn't get involved with an invasion?

Oh, if they did, they'd have no time for their families.

No, I'm serious.

This happens all the time.

We don't really care who's in charge.

So feel free to introduce a new religion.

And, of course, we expect some kind of tax,

so don't worry about that.

Oh, and some conquerors like to impose their architectural style,

which I think makes the city pretty eclectic.

So, you know, go for it.

We just ask that you don't k*ll us.

I'm down for that.

Look at that, Stu.

It was that easy.

Are you freaking kidding me?

You know there's got to be a catch.

Or maybe my instincts were just right,

like they have been this whole time.

Is that so hard to believe?

Yes!

It's impossible to believe.

What are you so upset about?

What am I so upset about?

You ruined conquering Persia for me!

What?

But we did it.

No, you did it.

This was my dream.

We get invaded every day, but we don't see this every day.

Maybe it was your dream, but you never did it.

That dream was up for grabs.

I think you're just mad because you lost your groove

when your army left you to make birdhouses.

I hate you in that soup!

Woo-hoo!

That seemed pretty messy.

But we've got a dynamite tub if you want to clean yourself up.

Okay, that didn't make much sense,

but you can take a bath.

Please, take a bath.

So, you're new around here, huh?

Yeah, I heard this was a soldier's bar.

Wanted to come be around my people.

Oh, look who's up from their naps.

Cheers!

You got a new goof-off king.

Hey, you're General Stupendous of Krapopolis, aren't you?

Uh-huh.

I wish we could've met under different circumstances

because you look like good, strong guys

who have put up a fight.

Aren't they?

Are you kidding me?

Ah!

King Tai, your sister is back.

I don't want to talk to her unless she's here to apologize.

Does she look sheepish?

I guess I've seen a sheep in a cage before.

So, yeah, kind of.

I told you there'd be a catch.

I told you it wouldn't be easy.

What is happening here?

We had a gentleman's agreement about my takeover.

I thought you were conquered all the time.

If you don't learn something every time you get conquered,

what are you even doing being the guy who runs the city

on the far reaches of the Persian Empire?

It's not personal.

I'm coming, Stup.

Schlub!

I half expected you to be off on one of your lost centuries.

I owe you an apology.

I wasn't mad about the kink shame,

which is, of course, the ultimate kink.

I was mad about the turtle and ashamed to admit it.

Oh, the turtle meant nothing.

Honestly, it only appealed to me because I thought it was you.

Turtles don't normally talk, and this one really talked like you.

Well, that's peculiar.

You know, it makes me wonder if that turtle was someone else

who had visited your wizard.

Shagging a chair is quite odd.

Its legs were very sexy, and I know how you are,

so I expected a challenge.

What did you turn into, anyway?

Oh, the dowdiest mortal woman.

You should have seen it.

Oh, I would have been all over that.

I know.

Maybe we shouldn't complicate things so much.

Or this was a success.

We wanted to spice things up,

and we both felt jealousy for the first time.

Me, for a chair.

You, for a turtle.

And I don't know what criteria you use,

but that's pretty spicy to me.

You're right.

Now come over here and let me sit on you.

Why'd you do it, Hippo?

I needed a win, okay?

Everyone always expects so much from me,

and I keep churning out inventions that never get used,

and then the minute I can't think of a good idea,

my stupid brother shows up in a confidence suit.

That's gotta be tough, but I don't know the feeling.

I wish someone would expect something from me.

My father wasn't really around growing up, and I...

I've gotta stop you.

I didn't even know you were a palace guard until today.

I can't pretend we have this kind of relationship.

We should probably just grab a couple of mops

and clean this up.

If you're so hard up for ideas,

why not invent something that cleans up moth guts?

That's not a bad idea.

Thank you...

Scott!

My name is Scott!

I'm a palace guard!

Why do you guys never remember me?

What is going on here?

They had a strategy tie, which we should have had,

which I did have.

And she was properly wary of Barfus and me.

Well, why would anyone be wary of you guys?

Because we spies, you Nimrod.

Of course they are!

But Timon is a dentist. He talks about it all the time.

There's no such thing as a dentist.

Why would anyone clean a tooth?

It's just gonna get more food on it the next time you eat.

But you put your hands in all of our mouths.

You have no idea how many times I wanted to tell you

I thought you was right and Ty was wrong,

but part of being a spy is keeping that sort of thing to yourself.

I appreciate that, Barfus.

First of all, I want to thank you guys for this opportunity

to make some demands on another kingdom for a change.

It's super refreshing.

Can't you just break out of that cage?

Maybe, if you'd apologize.

I'm sorry, okay? You were right.

Thank you.

Now, of course I can break out of this cage,

but I'm not gonna just take on these guys on my own.

I was right, but I'm not stupid.

You got us into this, you gotta get us out.

What are the demands?

Immediate retreat and we get control

of the mountain pass you took to get in here.

Make him give up that suit.

All right, I don't care.

Oh, and make him say,

I'm a silly king who didn't know what I was doing

and got in over my head.

Seriously, Duke, why didn't you tell us

how you let yourself get captured?

I'm sure there wasn't any silliness there.

She was drinking in our bar.

We were gonna go and get her after,

but then there she was,

just sitting there in our bar.

Our Persian soldier bar.

So we were like,

should we just bust out the net?

Okay, okay, truce.

So, you guys good?

Yeah.

I love it.

I'm gonna dine out on this story for a long time.

Well, that was a bust.

Yeah, but can I be honest?

I kind of do like suit you.

I was in a rut and you gave me something

to be excited about again.

Thank you for saying that.

Honestly, I got so wrapped up in finally getting respect.

At least we got off easy.

Sure.

What could the Persians do with control

of the only known overland path to Krapopolis

and the knowledge of when and how to cross it?

Let's call that a tomorrow problem.

Ooh.

What kind of song would you like for this?

An inspirational dirt?

Go to hell, Bard!

You know who I miss?

That guy we yell at, yeah.

Oh.

What's his name, sir?

Scooter.

No, Scoo.

Ska.

Ska?

Ska!

Skaan.

Why did I think it would be a good idea

to do this in the dark?

Is that snow?

Is it snowing?

Everybody, find your buddies and hold on.

We can do this.

My buddies are gold.

Is that okay?

When we retaliate, let's send Joshua to the front line.

I was thinking exactly the same thing.

Anybody can be Skaan.

They're gonna find out nobody laughs at Joshua.

Joshua.

So, did the suit not work out?

No, it did.

I conquered Persia.

But then I realized I didn't have to wear a different outfit to be myself.

Well, if everyone has that realization, I'll be out of a job.

Also sounds like a pretty incomplete version of the story, but I know what you're saying.

Sometimes I feel like I can't really be myself.

Take my dead husband.

He took an arrow through the ear hole in Mycenae.

I toyed with the idea of selling a hat that looked like that with an arrow through your head.

But who's gonna buy something fun like that from a w*r widow?

People got no sense of humor.

Well, I think it's pretty funny.

Don't doubt yourself.

I appreciate that.

Turn her back!

I have professional integrity.

I'm not gonna undo any spell unless...

Turn her back!

Oh, for God's sakes.

Wizard, it's okay.

There, Scott. You happy now?

I mean, we just started sleeping together and you're already pulling this.

Everything was going great.

Until this wizard...

Hey, don't blame me for your problems.

I'm just an immigrant from the North trying to make a living for my Whislans.

Look, Scott.

If you want to be with me, you have to understand that sometimes I like to be a sexy chair.

I'm fine with that.

But just sometimes.

Can you want to be a sexy chair with me?

I hate these slip-trip flappers.

Oh, hey, Paiso.

Tastes so good.

Did you get any of that?

Bento.

You