Matteo Lane: The Al Dente Special (2025)

[bunniefuu]

[indistinct playful chatter]

[video game cars zooming]

[overlapping chatter]

[speaker]

No, no, no, no. Oh, come on!

Come on, he's cheating! He's cheating.

- How does he keep winning?

- He has the good controller.

Alright, you guys,

I'm gonna be right back.

- [overlapping chatter]

- Jesus, people.

- It's a madhouse.

- [overlapping chatter continues]

[announcer]

Ladies and gentlemen, Matteo Lane!

- [cheering and applause]

- Hi!

Hello.

- [cheering and applause continue]

- Hello.

[jazz music playing]

[Matteo laughs]

Oh, my God.

- Look, this is a very important night.

- [music stops]

We have a lot of things to discuss.

Um, white women.

[laughter]

Look, white women,

during the day...

you're fine.

[laughter]

You're fine.

You know, you're in HR, you're in PR.

[laughter]

You're fine. Everything is fine.

It's just...

- you have one sip of a ros...

- [laughter]

and you're like,

"Tonight's about...

[in deep voice]

...me."

[laughter]

[normal] What is happening to you?

First of all,

we all know the sound

of a drunk white woman, right?

Because we--

You do!

And here's the thing.

It's not that it's loud.

That's not it. It's piercing.

- [laughter]

- It's piercing.

You know the sound.

If you take a drunk white woman,

you put her 50 feet underground

in a military base,

you're still gonna hear,

"French fries?"

- Like, it's just...

- [laughter]

Yes.

This is what I've noticed, too.

Every single conversation

with white women,

it is all the exact same.

Every single one.

It doesn't matter where you are,

what country you're in,

what time of day,

it's always gonna be,

"I was telling Joanne the other day

that she's not gonna be going..."

[laughter]

You don't have to go to them

to finish the conversation.

You can go to any other group

of white women,

they will finish

the conversation for you.

"She was saying that I'm not

doing my job, but I said..."

[laughter]

I was in Rome a couple of months

ago and, uh...

- [chuckles] Ciao, and...

- [laughter]

[laughing]

I saw these three white girls walking.

They were probably like 19, 20.

I mean, you know, young,

probably their first time in Rome.

They feel like adults.

And they're all eating gelato

and they're walking,

and the girl on the right goes,

[Valley Girl accent] "This gelato's better

than the gelato we had yesterday."

[normal]

And the girl in the middle goes...

[scoffs]

[Valley Girl accent]

"Another win for TikTok!"

[laughter]

[normal] I hope she's dead.

That...

- [applause]

- I hope...

This would be another win

for TikTok, I...

And what's funny is like, I'm--

okay, so my TikTok and Instagram,

I don't know how this happened,

but like, my algorithm,

it's just turned into

white women cooking pasta.

[laughing] I don't know how

I've gotten here.

I mean-- and I know Italians are white.

I'm just talking about Sara,

not Maria, um...

- [laughter]

- So, this is how old I--

I didn't know that there were,

like, trending recipes.

I didn't realize that this was the thing.

But the-- the recipe I see

over and over and over again,

it's always the same thing,

it's olive oil, onion, garlic,

tomato paste, like, uh,

heavy whipping cream, fresh mozzarella,

and like, fusilli, you know.

And the pasta, whatever,

it's fine, I'm sure.

But I saw this woman, she was

entering the video, and she goes,

[Valley Girl accent]

"If you wanna make that meal

that's gonna make him, 'Mm!'"

[laughter]

[normal] This woman has no friends,

because...

[laughter]

Your friends hold you

accountable, don't they?

I mean, if I made a pasta video

and I entered it by being like,

[Valley Girl accent] "If you want to make

that meal that's gonna make him, 'Mm,'"

[normal] and I saw my friends

later that day, they'd be like,

"What in the faggotry

are you talking about?"

[laughter and applause]

It's so funny.

I love going to Italy, I go so--

Is anyone here from Italy?

Not Long Island.

[laughter]

I go to Italy all the time.

And what's funny is I--

I'm always writing jokes about Italy.

And then I realize,

for all the years that I've been going,

I've never done anything,

like, g*y in Italy, and--

- Well...

- [laughter]

I just mean, they're conservative,

I guess that's what I mean.

But they have the Vatican there.

The Vatican.

Just men in dresses, like,

"No girls allowed." Um...

[laughter]

So g*y, but...

[laughing] You're so g*y.

I just mean, like,

I've never gone on a date before.

The only time I went on a date in Italy,

it was three years ago.

I was in Rome, and I was talking

to this guy named Giuseppe,

and, uh... [laughing]

Pinocchio's cousin, and...

[laughter]

And I was texting him

when I was at my hotel.

And then, he-- when he got there,

he texted me, he goes,

[with Italian accent]

"I'm downstairs," and, uh...

[scattered laughter]

[normal]

His text had that accent, so...

[laughter]

I go downstairs,

and it's just so classic Rome.

Like, it's just--

he's literally leaning on a red Vespa.

And I said out loud, I'm like,

"Am I Lizzie McGuire?"

[laughter and applause]

Just on the back of the Vespa,

like, "Sing to me, Paolo!"

[singing]

This is what dreams are made of

By the way, I rewatched that movie.

Paolo is fully Mexican and...

[laughter]

[laughing] A hundred--

if you could see the outtakes,

I'm sure they're like,

"And action."

"Hola, Lizzie."

"Cut!"

Every time I go to Italy, though,

something happens.

This is crazy.

So, a year ago-- this-- alright.

I met the most famous woman in the world

when I was in Rome last year.

So, I'm hanging out with my friend

Daniele Gattano, who's an Italian comic.

He's-- he's very funny. He's also g*y.

He's basically me, but there.

- And, uh...

- [laughter]

We went to this restaurant

and it wasn't even, like,

a fancy restaurant, just a restaurant.

And they were like,

"Do you wanna eat inside or outside?"

We're like, "We'll eat outside."

You know, it's a nice day.

So, we go outside,

and he's sitting across from me,

and he just starts to panic, he's like...

[gasping, stammering]

[with Italian accent]

"Uh, Matteo.

Eh, Matteo. Matteo. Matteo.

Matteo. Matteo."

I'm like, "What? What is it?

What? What's going on? What?"

[in Italian accent]

"Opfra. Opfra, Matteo, Opfra."

[normal] I'm like, "Opfra?

What's an Opfra?" He's like,

[Italian accent] "Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!

Oprah Winfrey, Matteo!"

[laughter]

[normal] They call Oprah "Opfra,"

I don't know why.

So, I turn around, I look.

It's f*cking Opfra!

Oprah g*dd*mn Winfrey-- by the way,

born and raised in Chicago, 25 years.

I never ran into the b*tch once.

I'm in Rome...

- [laughter]

- [scoffs] It's Oprah.

So... now, I'm thinking to myself,

I'm like, "Okay, I have to say

something to Oprah, right?"

I can't-- by the way,

when you see a celebrity,

you don't wanna hold them hostage.

Just give 'em

a drive-by compliment, okay?

But I'm like, what can I say to, like,

encapsulate everything that I am

that I'm thinking, right?

That I'm g*y, I'm American,

and she looks great, so...

[laughter]

[laughing] I'm thinkin'.

So, she's walking in.

She's, like, this close to me.

I take off my sunglasses.

We make direct eye contact,

and I go, "You better work."

[laughter and applause]

[cheering and applause]

I-- right?

I-- and I swear to God,

you know what she said to me?

I swear to God, she goes,

"You better work!"

Swear to God. Swear to God.

[applause]

[laughs] And she did,

she made us meatballs, uh...

[laughing]

No. I love going to Italy.

And you know, it's funny, last summer,

I went-- I always go to Sicily.

I have a lot of family

and friends in Sicily.

And, uh, I went to Sicily last year,

and I went with my friend Giovanni.

And in, um, the northeast part of Sicily,

uh, they have these tiny islands,

like a cluster of islands,

and one of them is called Lipari.

Really, really small.

And I went with my friend Giovanni,

and we get there,

and, you know, everyone's like,

"Oh, if you want to eat,

"you have to go to this restaurant,

it's called Trattoria Siciliana.

It's the best.

That's where you go eat."

So, 7 p.m., we show up,

we get to the restaurant.

It's packed, right?

Obviously, it's the only place to eat.

So, we see there's one table open

with two chairs.

So, we go to the woman working there

who's in her early hundreds, and...

[laughter]

That's the thing with Italian women,

I don't-- they're either like 25 or 92.

There's like nothing in between.

They're either like a long,

gorgeous model in Milan

or they're E.T. in a housecoat, so...

[laughter]

[laughing] It's...

[laughing]

Remember when they put E.T. in drag?

[laughter]

That's my nonna, so...

[laughter]

[chuckles] So, we walk up to her,

and in Italian, you know,

we're like, "Hey, like, you know,

there's a seat open. Can we go?"

She's like, "Okay."

So, she's walking us to the table.

So-- she walks like Mariah Carey

in her Christmas concert

- and just barely get to...

- [laughter and applause]

...table.

[laughing]

We'll get to Mariah in a minute.

- I have stories, so...

- [laughter]

So, we get to the table

and then, in the chair--

I don't even know if this is a joke,

it's just what happened.

There's a cat in the chair,

and she just goes,

"Eh... no."

[laughter]

We were like, "What? Why?"

She goes, [in Italian accent] "Rocco!"

[laughter]

[normal] It's so funny, when I was writing

this joke, I called my friend Giovanni.

I was like, "Hey, I'm writing

a joke about you."

And before I could finish, he goes,

[in Italian accent] "Ah, yes. Rocco."

[laughter]

[normal] We would get coffee every morning

at this pasticceria

that was close to us,

and, uh, it's the same thing.

It's all, you know,

E.T.s in housecoats cooking for us. And...

You know, you're-- you're in Sicily

in the middle of the summer.

It's hot.

Everyone's very dark, very tan.

We walk in one day,

and there's a girl working there.

She's probably like 20 years old.

She's so white.

- We thought she was haunting us.

- [laughter]

She was so white.

So, I walk up to her

and I'm like, you know, "Buongiorno."

She's like, "Buongiorno."

And I start to order coffee.

I'm like...

[speaking Italian]

And she's like, "Oh, wait, no.

Um, if-- per favore-- no, um..."

And I go, "Do you speak English?"

She goes, "I'm from Ireland!"

[laughter]

I was like, "What are you doing here?"

She's like,

[in Irish accent] "I met this Italian man

"six months ago

and I moved to this island,

I'm working at his mother's pastry shop,

and I'm sweating, help me!"

[laughter]

[normal]

Dumb b*tch, so...

[laughter]

But that's the cool thing

about doing this job,

is after so many years of doing standup,

I finally get to tour internationally,

and I don't just mean Canada.

- I am...

- [laughter]

My first international tour

I did was last year.

I did it in Europe, we started in France.

It was so cool.

And my opener I always bring

is one of my best friends,

Francesco De Carlo,

who's a very funny Italian comic.

And you know,

when you're in another country,

you try and learn small phrases, right?

So, if you walk into a store,

we're in France, "Bonjour. Merci."

And then when you leave,

"Au revoir."

But Francesco's accent

in Italian is so thick,

every time I would say "au revoir,"

behind me, I'd just hear, "Ow wow."

[laughter]

I'm like, "Francesco,

what are you saying?"

[with Italian accent]

"I don't know, I cannot say this word.

Oh, wow. Ow, ow, ow. Ciao."

[chuckles]

[normal] I'm so used to performing

for American audiences,

I didn't even think that small things

would be so different, right?

So, for example,

an American audience,

when I ask a question

I'm looking for a "yes" answer,

Americans always go, "Whoo!"

That's just how we say "yes."

So, I'm in Paris, I'm doing the show.

It's like a thousand g*y Frenchmen--

gayer Frenchmen, um...

[laughter]

Everyone looks so g*y.

I look straight in Paris.

I look like

I'm crushing p*ssy in Paris.

[laughter and applause]

[Matteo laughing]

[in deep voice]

Bon soir.

[normal]

Just, whoa, you know.

[chuckles]

Imagine? So...

[laughter]

[chuckles]

In these shorts, you know, so...

[laughter]

So, you know, I'm-I'm-I'm--

I'm in this show, right?

I'm doing this show, and then

there's a thousand people, right?

So, I ask a question,

I think that they're gonna go "Whoo!"

And I swear to God,

at the same time they all go, "Yes."

[laughter]

[Matteo chuckles]

After the show, we go to this restaurant,

and this restaurant,

it's-- it's one of these places

where it's so highfalutin,

like, everyone just seems

so important.

And the servers,

they weren't even, like, pretty women.

They were models off the runway,

and they were so mean to us. Um...

- [laughter]

- They were, they were so mean to us.

But they were so pretty,

they could throw soup in my face,

- I'd be like, "Merci. Um..."

- [laughter]

But one of them, she's holding

this, you know, giant tray

of, like, dishes and glasses.

She's walking, and she falls,

it smashes everywhere.

And the whole restaurant's looking,

they're like... [gasps]

And Francesco's eating a salad.

He doesn't even look up.

He just goes... [in Italian accent]

"You can't have everything in life."

[laughter and applause]

- "Ow wow."

- [laughter]

[normal]

The shows were really fun in Paris.

And then we went off to Amsterdam.

Has anyone been to Amsterdam before?

- [scattered cheers]

- Yeah.

I-I had a great time. I just--

You know what it is?

I couldn't pronounce anybody's name.

I couldn't-- not a s--

everyone's name sounded like a sneeze.

- [laughter]

- I'd be like, "Hi, my name is Matteo."

"My name is..." [sneezes]

I'm like, oh!

- [laughter]

- Gesundheit. [chuckles]

They're like, "Gesundheit, that's my son."

Oh, just shut up!

The Dutch are so different

as audiences.

I mean, you know, in Italy,

when you perform in Italy,

you blink and the audience is like,

"Oh, grazie, Matteo."

This is how the Dutch laugh.

[laughter]

Then after the show, they come up to you.

[in Dutch accent] "That is the hardest

I've ever laughed in my entire life.

[laughter and applause]

"My cheeks hurt, I have abs.

I shall never forget this night

for the rest of my life."

[laughter]

[normal] They have all these canals

in Amsterdam,

you know, 'cause they think

they're Venice, and, uh...

It's cool, they have these boats

that you can get

and people sit and drink,

there's like bars and servers.

It's cool.

It's very glamorous, you know?

So, Francesco's like,

"Hey, we should get a boat."

So, we get a boat, and we show up.

Clearly, we fell into a tourist trap,

'cause our boat didn't have a bar.

Uh, it had a bag

of Heinekens, and...

[laughter]

So, we're like, whatever,

let's just get on the boat.

So, we get on the boat, and you know,

we-- we have this tour guide.

Now, the tour guide's only job

is to just tell us facts

about Amsterdam.

But she thought she was a comedian,

so we immediately hated her.

[laughter]

Now, I don't-- if you've been

to Amsterdam before,

you know that some of the buildings

are like short, tall.

They're like wonky-looking.

They lean forward, they lean back, right?

So, she points to a cluster of them

and she's like,

"Does everyone

see those buildings over there?"

We're like, "Yeah."

She goes,

"We call those the g*y buildings."

- [chuckles]

- [audience lightly laughs]

And the g*y part could give a sh*t.

You know, the comedian part's like,

"What's the punchline?"

[laughter]

[Matteo chuckles]

So, Francesco and I both

raised our hands and...

[laughing]

And she goes, "Yes?"

And we're like,

"Why are they the g*y buildings?"

And she goes,

"'Cause they're not straight."

[audience reacts]

c**t.

[laughter and applause]

[Matteo laughs]

So, we did Europe,

and then right after that,

I went to Australia to do shows.

I've never been to Australia before,

and, uh, I-I've learned something,

that Americans know nothing

about Australia.

We really don't.

I was in Sydney and my friend called.

She was like, "Oh, my God,

how exotic is Australia?"

I'm like, "I'm at a Sephora."

[laughter]

This is something I didn't realize

all Australians knew.

So, when I was on my way there,

I was, you know, on Instagram,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God,

can't wait to hold on to a koala,"

which I don't want to hold on--

That's another white woman move.

[laughter]

Holding a koala.

Not all white women,

but the same white women

that when they were 13,

they went to the Bahamas

for spring break,

and they came back

with their hair braided.

[laughter and applause]

Re... [chuckles]

Remember?

We were like,

"Molly, you have red hair.

This is Chicago, put a hat on."

So...

[laughter]

So, I just said-- I was joking.

I was like, "Going to Australia.

Can't wait to hold on to a koala."

Did not realize this was a fact

everyone knew.

I got hundreds of messages

of Australians being like,

[with Australian accent]

"Well, you know, they've got chlamydia."

[scattered laughter]

[normal]

Yeah, I'm not trying to lick its p*ssy.

[laughter]

Is this happening? I mean-- are--

Are that many Americans try--

"And say cheese."

[laughter]

I just wrote back and said,

"I didn't turn g*y yesterday.

I've hung out with bears

that have chlamydia."

[laughter]

The accent thing, though.

I mean, that's the thing.

Look, I understand, I'm the foreigner.

I'm the one that has the accent, okay?

But every single morning

I would call for breakfast,

and this guy would pick up

and he'd be like...

[with Australian accent]

"Hello?"

[normal]

And-- and I was like, oh.

I was like, you know,

"Do you guys have yogurt and granola?

Just looking for something light."

And I know he didn't say this,

but to me, it sounded like him saying...

[speaking gibberish]

And they would always end it with,

"...if you'd like."

[laughter]

And I was too afraid to say anything,

so I just said yes.

So, every morning,

I just ate salmon for breakfast.

- [laughter]

- I'm like, "Ohh."

You gotta be careful with

the Australian accent, though.

You really have to get it right,

because I remember when I was 18,

I was in college, and this

foreign exchange student came in

and she was, you know, like,

"Hello. Hi. Hello. Hey. Hi."

You know, and I'm trying to be nice.

I'm like, "Oh, my God,

welcome to Chicago from Australia."

And she's like...

[scoffs]

[with New Zealand accent]

"New Zealand, actually."

[laughter]

[normal] It's like, okay, well,

I didn't say China,

like, I was pretty close.

[laughter]

Also, how annoying was New Zealand

during the pandemic?

Does anybody remember this?

The most-- their prime minister

would get on TV every single day

and be like, "I just wanna say that

we in New Zealand have no cases of Covid."

I'm like, no one lives there.

[laughter]

I'm in Manhattan, you idiot.

Anybody could do that job.

[in New Zealand accent]

"You go there, and you go there.

Problem solved!"

Like, it's...

[laughter]

[normal] That's the thing, though.

When you're doing this job,

you're traveling so much.

I'm in Ubers all the time.

I'm just-- everywhere I go, every country,

every city, Uber, Uber, Uber, Uber.

Everywhere you go,

they have their own Uber culture.

So, New York, we have

the most specific Uber culture.

And I just want to ask you,

here in Los Angeles,

I wanna know,

clap if you talk to your Uber driver.

[applause]

[laughter]

- What's wrong with you?

- [laughter]

In New York, we do not talk

to our Uber drivers.

They don't want to talk to us,

it's a mutual--

Here's how much

we don't want to talk to each other.

I got into a car accident in my Uber

on 39th Street and Sixth Avenue,

and I still said nothing

to my Uber driver.

[laughter]

We made direct eye contact

in the rear view mirror.

I hit cancel,

and I walked out of the car.

[laughter and applause]

But everywhere else you go,

they want to talk to you.

The worst, North Carolina.

- The worst was North Carolina.

- [audience members gasp]

- I said what I said. I...

- [laughter]

I'm running to my Uber, it's raining,

I gotta get to the airport.

Before I can even

close the door, this man,

it's a New Yorker's nightmare.

He turns around.

[with deep Southern accent]

"Well, well, well, well."

[laughter and applause]

"Looks like someone's

going to the airport today."

[with high-pitched voice]

No!

[laughter and applause]

[normal]

And I'm trying everything in my power

to give him all the international signs

of I don't want to have

a conversation with him.

I've got eight headphones on.

I'm just...

[laughter]

This man doesn't give a sh*t.

He's ready to have brunch.

He's like, [with deep Southern accent]

"Well, that's great,

"'cause I need to visit my son

who lives near the airport after this."

[snarky voice]

Fine.

[laughter]

[normal] Then he says--

I'm not making this up, he goes...

[deep Southern accent]

"My son has... cancer."

- [audience groans]

- [smacking lips]

[normal] So, I hit cancel,

and I walked out of the car.

[laughter and applause]

How am I supposed

to respond to this? I...

You will get the five stars,

I just can't--

By the way,

I was running this joke once,

and this woman yelled,

she was like, "Not funny!"

I was like, are you an Uber driver?

Like...

- [laughter]

- So stupid.

She's like, "I'm a cancer survivor."

So, I hit cancel,

and I walked out of the...

[applause]

But that's the thing though,

I'm traveling so much,

I'm on planes so much,

I'm in new hotels,

I'm in Ubers,

my back is always in pain.

And I was talking to my friend Mitch.

[sighs] I don't even know how to get

into this story, I just...

I hired an escort.

I didn't mean to, and...

- [laughter]

- I really didn't mean to.

Okay, so here's what happened.

I was talking to my friend Mitch,

and I was just saying,

"Oh, my back is always in pain."

Like, you know,

"I gotta get a massage therapist."

But Mitch is not

in the right state of mind.

He's a freshly divorced,

middle-aged g*y man

in his sexual prime,

which I know sounds redundant. Um...

- [laughter]

- When I said that,

he was like,

"You need a massage therapist?

I've got the perfect guy for you."

Here's how stupid I am.

This guy messages me.

His first message is "Only bring cash."

I'm like, "Got it."

[laughter]

He kept telling me to meet him at this,

like, undisclosed location in Chinatown.

I remember walking up the stairs

saying out loud, "This is scary."

- Um...

- [laughter]

I would be so easy to m*rder.

So, I...

- [laughter]

- And it was impossible to find.

I felt like I was in a shrine in Zelda.

Like, I could not find the exit.

Finally, I found it.

And you know what's funny?

Like, you know when you go into a spa,

usually there's, like, spa music.

Like, Enya's on.

You walk in, it's like...

[singing]

Who can say where the road goes

Where the--

There was no Enya on.

I walk in, it's a man under a neon light

who's very scary,

and he's like,

"Go in that room and get naked."

- I was like, "On my way!"

- [laughter]

So, I walk--

I wish I was making this up.

I walk in the room,

there's the table, no blanket,

and I lay down naked,

a*s up, ready to be k*lled, um...

[laughter]

And here's the thing.

I got my head looking through that, like,

you know, like, the massage table.

Like, it's like a donut hole, right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,

so I could see the ground.

So, I'm looking at the floor,

and I hear the door close behind me,

and I just see two legs walk up in front,

and then his pants just drop.

- [audience gasps]

- But I'm so stupid.

I'm like, "Uh, he must be warm."

Like, I'm not even...

- [laughter]

- I'm not thinking about it.

So, he starts massaging me.

And because I think

it's a massage, you know,

I start falling asleep.

I wake up ten minutes later

with a finger in my a*s.

[laughter]

I kn-- For a minute I was like,

"I'm being r*ped!"

And I thought, "Oh no, that's right.

I paid for it."

[laughter]

I did, I paid for it, and...

- I tipped, so...

- [laughter]

It's so funny.

I called my friend Mitch afterwards.

I was like, "How dare you

send me to this place!"

He's like,

"Did you have a good time?"

Like, "Of course, I had a good time!"

[laughter]

I should be doing something though.

I should be getting massages.

I should do yoga, I should stretch,

I should do something, but I don't.

I'm lazy.

I-- I go to the gym.

But even going-- like, that--

the gym was such a hard hill

for me to get over,

because I'm not a sports person.

I never was a sports person.

I'm not comfortable

in sports environments, like...

You know, like, for example,

when I was a kid,

I would've love to play sports--

hockey, soccer, something.

But the dads, the kids, and coaches

were so mean and h*m*,

I'm like, "Ugh, fine, I'll sing."

- So...

- [laughter]

Because here's the thing, I-- my--

and I know I'm generalizing here.

Like, clap if you're a straight man.

[light scattered applause]

[chuckles]

Gays, get 'em! No, I...

- [laughter]

- I'm teasing.

But this is how it happens, I, uh...

[laughter]

I know, and I know

I'm generalizing here, okay?

But in my mind, like,

when straight guys go to the gym,

they maybe started

when they were like 15.

They're with their like, coach,

or friends, or you know, soccer, whatever.

So, they start at 15 and the trajectory

is just-- it's easier for them.

They-- they go with their friends,

they get more confident.

Now, it's a place they look better.

Now, they go all the time.

Now, it's social.

But I do notice, they get married,

they turn 30, they have kids.

That's when the gays swoop in, um...

- [laughter]

- We come out of the woodwork.

We're like, "The coast is clear!"

Um...

[laughter]

But even to this day, I don't know

how to talk to straight guys at the gym.

Like, I just don't have the same energy.

There's a trainer at my--

he's not my trainer,

but there's a trainer at my gym.

His name is Giovanni,

he's from the Bronx, he's Latino.

Very scary, like a top.

And, uh...

[laughter]

We see each other every single day.

You know, when you see someone every day,

you acknowledge each other.

But the way he acknowledges me,

he just walks up and goes...

And I don't know how to respond,

so I'm just like...

[laughter]

[exhales deeply]

[sighs heavily]

I answer questions

he hasn't even asked me.

He's like, [deep voice] "Hey."

[normal] "Good, thanks."

[laughter]

One time I was working out,

it was shoulder day.

So, I'm sitting there,

I'm doing-- I'm doing shoulders,

and, uh, I'm looking in the mirror.

And the biggest guy at the gym,

I mean, he was a centaur.

This man was giant,

and he was approaching me.

I mean, I felt like Josie Grossie.

I was like "Prom?" Um...

[laughter]

He walks up to me and he was like,

[deep voice] "Hey, can you spot me?"

[normal] I'm like, "Good, thanks."

No. [laughs]

- [laughter]

- I didn't say that.

So, I walk up to the bench press.

You guys, it's like--

it was 1,000 pounds on each side.

I mean, the amount of weight--

I wanted to be like,

"Sir, you have a better chance

of surviving asking the wind to spot you."

[laughter]

[laughing]

So...

So, I go behind him,

and I just put my hands out like that,

'cause I've seen other people

do it, um...

[laughter]

And the thing I love about straight guys,

you were never taught shame.

So, your first push,

you're at the Olympics,

You're like, "Yeah!"

You know, and I'm panicking.

I'm like, "Oh, it's just me

and my g*y weak hands.

The only thing that's keeping

this man alive!"

[laughter]

Because if this falls, he dies,

and I'm just running around

like Nathan Lane in The Birdcage,

like, "Paramedic!"

I just... dance.

[applause]

Oh!

It was such a relief when it was over.

He was like, "Thanks, man."

I'm like, "Never again!"

[laughter]

I decided I'm gonna get a trainer, right?

That'll give me confidence.

I'll know what I'm doing.

I don't feel so lost in the gym.

And the process of getting

a trainer is fun.

You just walk up to the manager,

you're like, "I want a trainer."

They open up a book,

show you pictures,

and I'm like, "He's hot." Um...

- [laughter]

- I pick this guy.

I picked the scariest looking guy.

He had a big beard, backwards hat,

his name was Damon.

And then I just started

having fantasies.

I'm like, it's-- it's gonna be like

a Ricki Lake episode.

- Like...

- [laughter]

You know, like,

"My mom can't control me.

I'm 13,"

I'm like, "f*ck you," you know?

And then, like,

a drill sergeant comes out

and screaming at me, and I'm crying.

It was just a fantasy, so I...

[laughter]

So, I went to go meet him, right,

the very first day.

Never met him before.

I walk up, I'm like,

"Hey, Damon, my name is Matteo."

You know, "How was your weekend?"

And he goes, [in Australian accent]

"Oh, I think my dog is sick,

and I'm really upset about it."

[laughter]

[singing]

This is what dreams are made of

[applause]

He's so g*y and Australian,

I love him so much.

I did decide, I was like,

I'm gonna tell Giovanni,

the other trainer, that I have

a joke about him, just 'cause--

'Cause I think if I have a joke

about someone, they should know,

and... [chuckles] Mariah's not

gotten back to me, but...

[laughter]

Hey, Mariah.

[laughing] You know.

But I went up to him and I was like,

"Hey, you know,

my name is Matteo, I'm a comedian."

And, you know, I just

sort of explained the joke,

and he didn't really respond.

But now, every time I see him

at the gym, he does this.

[laughter]

[exhales sharply]

[applause continues]

I really want to f*ck him.

[laughter]

Yeah, it's so funny writing standup.

Everyone does it so differently.

You know, some people have a whole hour

and they talk about some trauma,

or they have, like, a through-line.

And I always felt like

my standup was more just like,

we're catching up at brunch, you know,

I don't know, it's just light.

[chuckles]

Maybe I'm a bad writer, but, uh...

- [laughter]

- It's hard,

because I really do just talk

about my life.

And-- and there's some things

I really do want to talk about.

And something I've wanted to talk about

is the fact that I'm Mexican.

- And my mother is Ital...

- [audience member cheers]

- Hola. [laughing]

- [cheering and applause]

It's funny,

my mom's Italian and Mexican,

so it just makes me look like Jafar

if he came out of the closet and...

- [laughter]

- [in deep voice] "Prince Abubu."

[normal] You know he's, like, so g*y.

[laughing]

Jafar was g*y.

Remember he had that one wish?

He was like, [in deep voice]

"I wish for Princess Jasmine

to fall desperately in love with me."

[normal]

I'm like, "Girl, we've all had that wish."

- [laughter]

- So g*y.

- [scattered applause]

- [Matteo laughing]

You know who--

we'll get back to Mexicans.

You know who else is g*y?

Mufasa.

- Okay, so...

- [laughter]

Mufasa's g*y.

Okay, I know Scar's g*y.

We're skipping over Scar.

Okay, so there's a scene

where Mufasa's yelling at Scar,

and then Zazu shows up, and...

[chuckles]

Zazu's also g*y, so...

[laughter]

[singing]

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

Like, whoa, Mary! Okay, so...

[laughter]

Zazu lands on Mufasa's shoulder,

they start having a kiki about Scar and...

- [laughter]

- Zazu's making a joke about Scar.

He's like,

"He'd make a very nice throw rug!"

And Mufasa from totally butch goes,

"Oh, Zazu!"

- I'm like, "g*y!"

- [laughter]

I see it, I see it.

- Okay, one more, alright.

- [laughter]

Just one more.

I just really think that magic mirror

- from Snow White is so g*y.

- [laughter]

Am I wrong? Right?

First of all, I was that mirror

in high school.

I was telling all my best girlfriends,

like, "You are the prettiest."

- Like, I know that...

- [laughter]

I know that life, you know?

But this mirror was a b*tch.

This mirror knew that

that queen was crazy.

And all he had to do

to keep things running smoothly

was be like, "You're the best,

you're the best."

And one day, she came up

and she was like,

"Who is the fairest in the land?"

"That b*tch. Get her!"

You know.

- [laughter]

- [chuckles] "Go."

I am part Mexican,

and, uh, I do speak Spanish.

I learned Italian first,

and now when I speak Spanish,

I have a really thick Italian accent.

So, every time I talk to other Latinos,

they're always like...

[chuckles]

"You sound like Mario."

[laughter]

"Yo tengo una pregunta. Wahoo!"

You know.

- [laughter]

- "Wha! Hoo! Wha!"

The reason I don't know anything

about my Mexican family,

uh, it's a very telenovela story.

But I guess the best way

to describe it is, um,

so a couple years ago,

I did this Mexican TV show

- called Noches con Platanito.

- [scattered laughter]

There are some Mexicans in here.

Okay, so... [laughing]

Uh, it means "Night of the Little Banana."

And, um, it's super Mexican.

It's hosted by a clown.

It makes no sense.

Anyway, so I knew

when I was going on to the show,

the producer said,

"He's gonna ask about your grandpa."

My grandpa's Mexican.

So, I get there.

First question is like,

[in Mexican accent]

"Okay, so your grandpa is Mexican,

so that means you are Mexican,

so tell us about your grandpa."

[normal] And I was like,

"Yes, that's true.

"You know, my grandpa's from Jalisco,

- and, uh, you know..."

- [scattered cheers]

- Mis primos.

- [laughter]

- Wahoo, you know. Uh...

- [laughter]

But, uh, you know, I said, "That's true.

"You know, my grandpa's family

is from Jalisco, Mexico.

"But, you know,

I-- I never got to know them

"because, you see, my, uh, grandpa

"and my grandma had five kids together.

"And at the same time, he had

five kids with another woman.

- [light laughter]

- And named them all the same names."

[audience]

Ohh!

That's how I thought Noches

were going to respond.

And instead, he goes,

[in Mexican accent]

"Your grandpa's very smart."

[laughter and applause]

[normal] So, I have been connecting more

with my Mexican heritage.

My husband's from Mexico,

so I was going back and forth a lot

when we were long-distance dating.

He lives in New York now, and, uh,

I have noticed, though,

every single time I go to Mexico,

there's always a problem.

Every single time.

The last time I went to Mexico

before he moved to the States,

I was in San Antonio, Texas, and--

- [audience member cheers]

- No, and...

[laughter and applause]

- [cheering and applause]

- No.

- It's lovely there, so...

- [laughter]

[chuckles] But literally, I-I go

to the airport, I'm flying Air Mexico.

I walk up, all of the signs, like,

"delayed, delayed, delayed, delayed."

I'm like, "What is going on?

Why are we delayed?"

And they go,

"Oh, a volcano's gone off in Mexico City,

"so we just don't know

how long it's gonna take

before we can get out of here."

Now, usually, when you hear

a volcano's gone off at your destination,

you're like, "I should

reschedule this trip."

[laughter]

But... I had already douched.

[laughter]

[scattered cheers]

So, I walked up to the front desk

and I was like, "Hi, sir.

[chuckles]

"I know there's a volcano going off,

"but, um, I douched.

"And, uh, you might not know

what that means,

"but I'm sure there's a flight attendant

back there that does, so...

[laughter and applause]

"So, I've got about three hours

to work with here, and, uh...

"If you need help,

I'm fresh, so just send me

and I'll sit on the volcano and..."

[laughter]

The one straight guy's like...

[in deep voice]

"I don't know what he's talking about."

[laughter]

[normal]

We were delayed seven and a half hours.

- [audience groans]

- Seven and a half hours.

I know, and-- and I was

the only American there.

Everybody else was Mexican.

And I was kind of fascinated,

because they had lined up

like a mini little army.

It was two-by-two in wheelchairs.

All these gra-- all these abuelas

in these wheelchairs,

just 16 Cocos, just...

[laughter and applause]

- [sings] Remember me

- [laughter]

And I was watching them.

No cell phone, no iPhone, nothing.

Seven and a half hours,

they're just like...

[laughter and light applause]

We're just waiting,

we're waiting for the pilot

to come out and tell us,

are we gonna go, are we not gonna go?

You know, finally,

after seven and a half hours,

the pilot emerges, this tiny little man

who's so dramatic.

He could have just told us right there,

but he had to make

this big walk to the podium.

So, he comes up, he gets to the speaker,

and he goes,

[in Mexican accent]

"Hey.

Okay, everyone. Vamos."

[laughter]

[normal]

That means, "Let's go."

So, we get on the plane, everyone's happy.

Remember me

And, um, now we're sitting

on the plane.

We're sitting on the plane

for, like, an hour.

So now, it's like, if you fly a lot,

you know, you're like,

something's wrong.

So, we're waiting,

we're waiting, we're waiting.

They get on the announcement,

"This flight is canceled."

- [audience groans]

- I know.

Now, usually, when your flight

is canceled,

Delta, United, whatever,

even Spirit, they will email you

and they will say to you,

"Here is your new boarding pass.

This is your new flight time.

We will see..."

This is the most Mexican sh*t

that's ever happened to me.

You cannot make this up.

Before they let us get off the plane,

the pilot gets back on the announcement

and he goes...

[in Mexican accent]

"Uh...

[laughter]

"Okay, everyone.

"Eh...

"I'm just going

to leave the plane here.

"So...

[laughter]

"Just come back tomorrow morning.

[laughter]

[Matteo chuckling]

- And we'll go."

- [laughter]

[laughing] It's...

Is my Uncle Mike flying the plane?

And it was funny, we came--

They literally--

We just brought our old boarding pass

all crinkled up next morning,

like, "Yeah, yeah, Air Mexico."

And it was so funny, everyone--

same people, same outfits.

It was like you were at a resort.

You're like, "Hi," you know, um...

- [laughter]

- Anyways, off to Mexico we went.

And I got to say, if you have not

been to Mexico City, go.

It is the most incredible city

on the face of the planet.

- Go. The people are unbelievable.

- [cheering and applause]

It's so beaut--

And, you know, growing up

with an Italian cultural background,

I didn't realize how similar

Italians and Mexicans were.

I mean, big families, great food,

Catholicism...

[in deep voice] ...drama.

You know, it's...

[normal] My husband

would say he's not dramatic,

but one time,

we were walking up the stairs

and he had like a couple drinks earlier,

so he was wobbling.

I was like, "Oh, my God,

Rodrigo, don't fall."

And he goes, "I will never fall."

[laughter]

It's like, okay, Puss in Boots, so...

[laughter]

At this point, I think I just married him

'cause he doesn't snore.

That's all it takes.

That's all. I'm 38.

You don't-- Clap if you have

a partner that snores.

[applause]

[scattered cheers]

People that snore are selfish.

[laughter]

Who the f*ck

do you think you are?

Just 12 hours of...

[imitating snoring]

Choking on a thousand

g*dd*mn dicks.

I mean, what is wrong with you?

And no one, no one wakes up

more refreshed in the morning

than someone that hasn't

breathed the entire night.

Their lungs have collapsed,

their neck is blue, they wake up.

[sings]

Good mornin'

[laughter]

And when you sleep

next to someone that snores,

there's one thing

and one thing only you can do.

You have to hit them.

You hit them, and then they go...

[quick choking]

[laughter]

And now, you've got 30 to 50 seconds

to try and get to sleep.

[laughter]

So, he doesn't snore, but he does

do something really strange.

And it's two things.

He talks in his sleep.

But every time, without fail,

he's always laughing.

The talking's fine.

I mean, that's kind of cute.

Someone's talking in their sleep,

it's like... [mumbling]

You're like, "Oh, that's so cute.

They're dreaming."

It's the laughter.

[laughter]

It's midnight.

The room is dark.

[laughter]

And out of nowhere...

[in Mexican accent] "Ha ha ha!

No, no. I want the big one."

[laughter]

[laughter continues]

[normal] When it's in English, it's fine,

you know, I understand what's going on.

But he's bilingual,

so sometimes it's Spanish.

And when he speaks Spanish,

his voice drops a whole octave.

So now, it's this demonic presence

next to me, just...

[speaking Spanish in deep voice]

[demonic laughter]

[applause]

Is it still the big one?

[laughter]

- One-- one time-- look how quiet it got.

- [laughter]

Once-- one time he was, uh--

Sometimes I f*ck with him

when he sleeps, and, uh...

He was sleeping and he was talking,

and he goes, um, he's like...

[chuckles]

"Yeah, three."

[laughter]

And I was like, "What's three?"

And he goes, [in Mexican accent]

"Three is bigger than two."

[laughter]

[normal]

Okay, Mariah Carey, so...

[laughter and applause]

I love Mariah Carey, I think

she's the best singer in the world.

She writes all of her own music.

I can't get enough of her.

I've seen her live 12 times, and, uh...

I know, we shouldn't be called lambs.

We should be called enablers, um...

[laughter]

My one issue with Mariah,

she's always late.

That's the problem. She is always late.

I went to go see her

Christmas show last year

at Madison Square Garden,

and she was two hours late.

Two hours.

Not even like an hour 40.

Not even an hour fif--

two hours on the dot.

And there was like

30,000 people there.

So, we're all waiting.

[chuckling]

Actually, at one point it got quiet,

and you hear this g*y guy yell,

"Your hair looks fine!"

[laughter]

He was dressed like an

elf on a shelf, and, uh...

- [laughter]

- She always has the same opener.

She has this DJ.

[laughing]

This DJ comes out

and he asks us a question.

We always say "Whoo!"

Or if you're French, "Yes," and...

- [laughter]

- Then he plays 30 seconds of a song.

You know, it's fun, right?

So, he's like,

"Where are my '80s babies at?"

We're like, "Whoo!"

He's like, "Who loves Whitney Houston?"

We're like, "We do!"

[sings]

I want to dance with

"Mariah's coming out in 15 minutes."

- [in deep voice] Two hours later...

- [laughter]

[normal]

This man has played every song he owns.

There's literally nothing--

He's gone through iTunes, Spotify,

Apple Music, he's downloading LimeWire.

- I mean, the man has run out.

- [laughter]

You can tell he's running out of music

when he's like, "Uh... uh...

[sucks teeth] Who loves Bach?"

Like it was just so...

[laughter]

So, finally, you know,

Mariah comes out, right?

And it's so dramatic,

she comes out from the ceiling.

Like, I thought we were at Wicked.

Like, I just...

I thought it was Glinda.

[singing]

Let us be glad

Except she could not do that.

And, uh...

- [audience reacts]

- Oh, she lip-synced for her life, and I...

[laughter and jeers]

It was the most expensive

drag show I've ever been to.

[laughter and applause]

I'm kidding, Mariah does not lip sync.

I really mean that.

She's a phenomenal singer.

I went to-- okay, this is an insane story.

And I have to say this legally,

because her lawyers are crazy.

This is a true story.

2016, I went to go see

her Christmas concert at

the Beacon Theater in New York City,

twice in a week, and, uh, I went--

oh, that isn't embarrassing.

I went the first time

'cause I bought myself tickets.

I went the second time

'cause my friends bought me tickets,

so of course I wanted to go.

So, I go the first time.

She wasn't even late.

Forty-five minutes late.

- She was right on time.

- [laughter]

And the show was phenomenal.

I mean, the voice is phenomenal.

She looks amazing, I mean, it was just

an incredible concert, right?

So, I go the next night,

and I bring my best friend Evan,

who's straight

and a recovering coke addict.

This does come into play. So...

[laughter]

Now, we're sitting in the second row.

Okay, we've got great seats.

So, she's doing the whole concert,

la-la-la, this and that.

You know she's singing great.

And at one point, she goes,

"I'm gonna bring out a special guest."

And 'cause I went the night before,

I'm like, "Oh, she doesn't know

that I know, and they don't know

that I know it's John Legend."

So, keep in mind this is 2016.

She goes, "This next person

coming to the stage,

"they're such a dear,

dear friend of mine.

"They're such a talented songwriter.

Please, welcome to the stage,

R. Kelly."

[audience gasps]

I turned to Evan and I said,

"Are we in the splash zone?"

[laughter]

First of all, these two don't even belong

on the same stage together.

Mariah is 45

in a quinceaera dress, and...

[laughter]

You know what I'm talking about.

[laughter and applause]

And R. Kelly is dressed up like

Jada Pinkett Smith in The Matrix.

I don't even know

what's happening anymore.

And then, the song

they're singing with each other is...

[singing] Chestnuts roasting

on an open fire

And the gays next to us

are doing cocaine.

- Now...

- [laughter]

Gays, here's the thing.

Doing cocaine at a normal

Mariah concert is humili--

No one's doing cocaine to Dreamlover.

But at a Christmas concert,

I mean, she's literally like...

- Christmas time

- [snorting]

- Just...

- [laughter]

You know those gays left their house,

they're like...

[singing]

I'm dreaming

Of a white Christmas

I turned to my friend Evan and I said,

"Don't you dare relapse

at a Mariah Carey Christmas concert!"

[laughter]

[Matteo laughs]

Can you imagine him, 16 years sober,

walking into AA, throwing his chip down,

they're like, "Oh, my God, Evan.

What happened?"

[sucking teeth]

[in deep voice] "Mariah."

- [normal] You know, just...

- [laughter]

Same.

I love Mariah, I mean, when you--

those kinds of--

those divas, you know what I mean?

Just something happens

to them after a while,

they become deities,

and, you know, because--

Oh, this is an insane story.

So, I was performing

in Vegas last year,

and I don't like performing in Vegas.

I don't like casinos, I don't like Vegas.

But when you perform

at a casino, the promoters,

they always try and, like,

sweeten the deal.

They wanna compete

with the other casinos,

make sure that you always

come back to them.

So, when I get there--

I guess 'cause I'm g*y,

their deal for me,

I get there, they're like,

"Matteo, welcome to Vegas.

We're so excited to have you.

"As a special treat,

we got you free tickets

to see Katy Perry

in concert tonight."

And I was like, "That's okay," um...

[laughter]

- [Matteo laughing]

- [applause]

I don't mind Katy Perry, I just--

I was in, you know, I'm in Vegas.

I had other things to do, and they're

like, "Well, there's a meet-and-greet."

I was like, "What time?"

You know, so...

I go-- oh, and I brought

my best friend Evan

from the Mariah Carey

Christmas concert.

So, I go, and we go to this,

like, Katy Perry basement,

you know, and it's all

decorated and stuff.

And her manager grabbed us,

I felt very important.

He brings me right up to Katy,

who looks great,

and he was like,

"Uh, Katy, this is Matteo Lane.

"He's a comedian.

He's performing in Vegas.

Matteo, this is Katy Perry."

And she goes, [in high-pitched voice]

"Oh! A comedian."

[normal] I go, "Hey."

She goes...

[gasps]

[deep-voiced] "A g*y comedian."

[laughter and applause]

[normal] I was like, "Yeah."

I was like, "This is my friend Evan.

He's opening for me."

She goes... [gasps]

"Another g*y."

And he goes, "Oh, I'm not g*y."

She goes... [chuckles] "Right."

[laughter]

- [Matteo laughing]

- [applause]

I have it on video.

I should post that.

- [laughter]

- [audience member] Yeah!

We left early, that--

we were really hungry, um...

- [laughter]

- Well, she's dancing with, like,

giant hot dogs and hamburgers.

I'm like, "I am starving," you know.

[laughter]

She does seem like

she has a good sense of humor.

I mean, there must be

somebody in her life

still sort of pulling her

down to earth, because--

I think all your friends should be

making fun of you at all times.

Everyone need-- like, they should.

My group of friends,

my crew is way too mean.

This is a hideous story.

This is how bad we are.

One time, my friend--

this is so horrible.

One time, my friend Patty

was arrested for punching a cop.

- And, uh...

- [laughter]

What's funny is Patty is 5'4"

with long red hair, and we had the video.

So, just like, this g*y leprechaun

was running

after this police officer

sounding like Miss Piggy, like,

[imitating Miss Piggy] "Hiya!"

You know, so...

[laughter]

[normal]

Of course, he gets arrested, you know?

So, Bob and I had to go downtown

and bail him out.

And this is so mean,

but we made sure

when we brought him back home,

that the second he opened the door,

we had the Cell Block Tango

from the musical Chicago playing.

- [laughter]

- [Matteo chuckles]

He opens the door.

"Pop! sh*t! Cicero!"

[singing]

He had it coming, he only--

[laughter]

And even Patty had a good sense

of humor about it.

We were like, "Oh, my God,

Patty, what was jail like?"

He was like, "Honestly, I douched earlier

'cause I thought I was going on a date.

And I looked around and I thought,

this might be the full fantasy."

[laughter and scattered applause]

My friends and I, we don't go out.

We're not a going-out group.

I mean, no one drinks

and no one does drugs.

We just kind of hang out at home,

watch YouTube, play Fortnite.

So, it's very rare

when we decide to go out.

And one time, my friend Patty,

for his birthday,

he's like, "We're going to this club

and everyone's coming with!"

So, we go.

I usually dress something--

I'm like-- like always

a deli worker or something, and...

- [laughter]

- I brought my friend Nick.

I'm sure you guys know Nick.

And Nick looked like...

[cheering and applause]

I was with a 6'4" haunted

Victorian doll, and...

[laughter]

He's always dressed

like a Chinese vase, and, uh...

[laughter]

So, you know, we're on the dance floor

and we're trying to dance and stuff,

but everyone's head is around here.

Nick is, you know, way up there.

And, uh, and, you know, Nick is so tall.

He's not used to seeing

taller people than him.

And so, this one guy who was so tall,

he was taller than Nick, walked by.

And I just see Nick's face do that.

And I go, "Nick, what's that about?"

He goes, "Who the f*ck

let Frankenstein in here?"

[laughter]

[Matteo chuckles]

That same night-- so, we were sitting down

because we're in our 30s,

and, uh, that same night, you know,

they had all these Go-Go bo-- and I love--

There's nothing better to me

than a Go-Go boy.

So, they had all these Go-Go boys, right?

Now, in New York,

it is ill*gal to get naked, okay?

You have to have something

covering something.

So, this Go-Go boy gets on the table

and then just starts

getting completely naked.

But he was still wearing

his socks with Birkenstocks.

[scattered laughter]

So, the gayest thing

about this entire situation

wasn't the fact that his hole was out.

It was that the other gays

around him were like,

[snarky]

"Look at those f*cking shoes!"

[laughter]

[normal] But this is really special.

I mean, I know it's a special,

but this is special for me.

I've been doing standup

for 16 years, and it's...

- [cheering and applause]

- Yeah. It's a long time.

[cheering and applause continue]

[Matteo giggles]

It's-- it's funny because, you know,

people always ask me,

like in interviews and stuff, like,

"Oh, so how do you

get started in standup?"

And I guess it's a pretty fair question,

'cause it--

this is-- everything about this

is strange, you know?

And it's not like you just write something

and then one day you're on stage.

You know, it's just years and years

of being at open mics

which, if you don't know what

an open mic is, you're in a basement

with 60 other wannabe comics,

you put your name in a bucket.

After you wait two hours,

you get to go up.

You could do two minutes.

You have to do that every night

for years and years.

Then eventually, you work your way up

to something called bar shows,

which for us as comics, oh, glamorous.

"I have a-- I have a show.

I have a bar show."

But a bar show just means people

are at a bar having a good time,

and then we ruin it, um...

[laughter]

The thing is, you know, I'm g*y,

and it's like... [sighs]

I had to come out every single night.

That's a weird thing.

You have to come out

every single night.

And it was just trying to find

new ways of coming out,

and make it funny, and coming out

over and over again.

You would think I don't have to say it.

I look g*y, I sound g*y.

But if you don't bring it up,

you can feel the tension in the room.

They're like, "Is he German?"

Like, it's just so...

[laughter]

I was so sick of coming up with jokes

that I would just walk on stage

and say, "Thanks so much,

I'm obviously g*y,"

and just sort of move it along.

So, my career's going very well now,

but it wasn't going so well

about four years ago

'cause I-- this is-- this is sort of where

I was four years ago career-wise, guys.

I remember it was April of 2021,

and my agent called,

and the pandemic

had just started slowing down,

so they were reopening comedy clubs.

And my agent called and he goes,

"Hey, Matteo, uh, they're reopening

a comedy club in Phoenix, Arizona,

and they have to retrain the staff.

They just need anybody on stage."

- [laughter]

- I was like, "I'll be there!"

So... so, I get there.

And now, keep in mind,

I do this every single night

and so not doing it for a year, I mean,

I was like, I don't even know what to say.

Like all my notes said

was "Liza Minnelli."

- I had nowhere to go.

- [laughter]

I could do an hour of Liza Minnelli jokes.

Anyway, so all I had

was my opening joke.

"Thanks so much.

I'm obviously g*y," right?

So, I'm backstage,

and I hear the host call my name.

He's like, "Welcome to the stage,

Matteo Lane."

So, I walk out, I'm like,

"Hi, thanks so much. I'm obviously g*y."

And a man in the front row

looks up and goes, "What?"

[laughter]

And I was so not cool about it.

Like, I was so rusty

that I didn't have a quick comeback.

And I just go, "Oh, um...

you don't like gays?"

[laughter]

And he goes, "No."

[laughter]

And he was with his wife, and usually

women are a little nicer to gays.

So I go, "Do you like gays?"

And she goes... [sighs]

[laughter]

It's like, "Okay, well...

I can't leave."

[laughter]

[cheering and applause]

But I said, "If you don't want

to stay, you can go."

And they did, they got up

and they just walked right out.

But there was one g*y

in the audience.

God bless this g*y man.

He was sitting in the aisle,

and as they were walking out,

I could see him, like, gain--

you know gays, when we get the strength.

- So...

- [laughter]

They were getting closer,

and the second they pass him,

he just goes, "And stay out!"

[cheering and applause]

Thank you so much, Los Angeles.

- This is amazing. Thank you.

- [cheering and applause]

Thank you. Thank you.

[cheering and applause continue]

Thank you.

Thank you so much for coming.

Goodnight.

[cheering and applause continue]

[indistinct chatter]

- [speaker] He's back, he's back.

- [overlapping chatter]

Okay. Whoo!

Alright, what did I miss?

- I'm winning.

- Oh, she's getting better.

Oh, she's getting way better,

okay, so just give it a shot.

[jazz music playing]

Alright, I'm supposed to do pick-ups.

So, where's my--

where's my director Jared?

[Jared Lapidus] [over speakers]

Okay, so let's go ahead

and pick up, uh, the transition

from New Zealand to Uber,

uh, then wanna get a little bit

more lead in on that.

So, when you say,

"I travel so much for this job

and I'm in Ubers all the time," and then

just go into the first Uber joke.

- Wait, what?

- [laughter]

I didn't even know that

that was the transition, okay.

[Jared] I just want to get the bridge

between New Zealand--

the New Zealand bit and...

- Okay.

- ...and get to the Uber bit.

Okay, so I'll just finish

the New Zealand bit

- and then get into Uber.

- [Jared] That's exactly it.

[laughter]

- New Zealand's gonna hate me, okay.

- [laughter]

Okay, alright.

Uh, [in New Zealand accent]

"You go there and you go there.

Problem solved!"

[normal] Like, psycho. My God.

I don't even remember how I get

into the next joke, Jared, I'm so sorry.

[laughter and applause]

[laughing] I don't remember.

[cheering and applause]

I swear to you,

I don't remember, Jared.

[laughter]

I'm so humiliated.

Can we have more fog?

- Okay, so...

- [laughter]

[jazz music playing]