I always knew how I wanted
my first sexual experience
to play out.
I'd be effortlessly cool,
irresistible.
Abby? Abby?
Abby, are you swinging alone
in the dark?
Can you take Mom's car
to get some dessert?
The Cruz's are here in ten.
I'd have all the right moves.
sh*t.
Number 71.
And no matter how
or where it happened,
it would be with him...
...Max Warren.
With his piercing green eyes.
His k*ller smile.
Even his neck zit.
Ugh, relatable.
Our first interaction was like
something out of a romance novel.
Contrasting strangers
Hi, I'm Abby.
I'm Max.
Well, goodbye.
I'm Mercedes.
I'm your girlfriend.
And when we were 12, he said
the words that changed everything.
I guess... Abby.
"I guess Abby."
He picked me
and I picked him right back.
Number 72.
Uh, one scoop of cherry ice cream.
Gummy worms on top.
Double worms?
Oh, no, single serving, please.
Too many worms
and I get a gummy-ache.
Every time I go to Harry's,
we have the same conversation.
But this time was different.
How's it going?
Oh, it's chill.
I mean, a little weird recently, but...
Oh, no. Why... Why?
Uh... Mercedes and I,
we broke up.
We broke up. We broke up.
We broke up. We broke up.
We broke up.
Yes, I know he's the one
The one my heart has won...
Please welcome for the first time
as people in a marriage,
Mr. and Mrs. Warren.
You know it's been so long
My heart is waiting here
I wanna be with you for, like,
forever and sh*t.
Oh, Max, I... I wanna kiss you
for the rest of my life.
God, I hope you practiced
on your hand.
Oh, I have.
I really have.
Each night I pray for you
Before I...
Sign here for your house mortgage.
I pray the God above
Will keep you safe for me
- Yes, I know...
- It's a girl.
Congratulations.
What should we name her?
Mercedes?
That's f*cked up.
...my heart has won
Your love--
Number 73.
Number 73.
Sorry about you and Mercedes.
Oh, it's cool.
Thanks.
Oh, uh, can I also get
a couple pints of...
- "How's it going?"
- Oh! The other side.
Two pints coming right up,
Cherry Worms.
Somewhere between Cherry Worms
and my driveway, reality hit.
Even with Max
being newly single,
why would he ever choose me?
In my sexual fantasy,
we never did anything
because I've never done anything.
I just needed a step
in the right direction.
sh*t.
I go to St. Bernadette's.
Move!
A private, Catholic rich-kid school
where stuff like this is normal.
Don't cry, Mercedes.
I thought Max was the one.
We were supposed to get married
and have a baby
and a house mortgage.
It's not fair. I'm pretty.
At St. Bernadette's,
every kid is named
after an apostle or a luxury brand.
Luke?
Paul?
Tiffany?
Chanel? Max?
Max was different.
If I wanted him,
I had to think outside the box.
Psst!
Gucci?
Matthew?
Hey. Pass it to Dior.
Dolce? John?
At my school if you wanted answers
to life's questions,
most pray to
a bearded ghost-gentleman.
I turn to a much more reliable
source of information.
Our school mascot,
the St. Bernard, AKA Bernie.
People often forget there's a person
under all that costume.
So he hears it all.
So, you wanna get with Max
now that he's single.
Tell me what you know.
This wasn't the first time
I used the mascot
for Max-related knowledge.
Max Warren. Tell me what you know.
His Mom works at Bank of America.
His Uncle, missing.
No one's seen him since Lent.
His Uncle gave up soda
and then he was gone.
Do you think I have a chance?
No.
Heads up!
I heard Mercedes might be moving.
She was, but then
Max convinced her father
that St. Bernadette's would provide
a more faith-forward upbringing.
Goddammit.
Heads up!
I need to know how I can
get with Max before we graduate
and potentially never
see each other again.
He's all I've ever wanted,
I'll do whatever it takes.
And what is in it for moi?
Um, I'm off sugar.
I'm on Mounjaro.
- Uh, I'll pay you money.
- Twenty dollars.
- Deal.
- Okay.
Locker room talk.
What is he into?
Makin' out or--
or kissing or swappin' spit...
Max loves to 69.
Huh?
Ask anyone, Max is obsessed
with six to the nine.
That's all he ever talks about
with the boys.
Definitely his favorite sexual position.
But if kissing is more
of your speed--
Oh, no, no. I've...
I...
I've had my day
in the bedroom department.
I did assume he'd be
slightly more advanced
in the bedroom department.
I mean, he's been
with Mercedes for years.
That's a lot of time
in the... bedroom department.
Girl, you gotta stop
calling it that.
Look, you don't need to 69 Max,
but if you decide to 69 Max,
you're his h* fo sho.
I 69 Max...
I'm his h* fo sho.
Yeah, don't--
don't say that either.
That was the moment I knew
I was going to do
whatever it took to get him.
I was going to 69 Max Warren.
Sexually.
- When I walk in the room
- What you do?
I shut that m*therf*cker
down, down, down
- And when I bust out a move
- Bust
They motherfuckin' jaws
hit the ground, ground, ground
- I ain't got nothin' to prove
- No
They see me on the news
in my home town, town, town
They couldn't keep
a good girl down
b*tch, look at me
now, now, now
- I went from zero
- Zero
- To sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
- When I walk in the club
- What you do?
I get them heads spinnin'
round, round, round
- I know they lookin' at us
- Us
Me and my girls we the talk
of the town, town, town
- I'm feelin' so scandalous
- Scandalous
Everybody servin' booty
and a leg, leg, leg
The old me
is dead, dead, dead
You ain't seen
nothin' yet, yet, yet
- I went from zero
- Zero
To sixty-nine
Mind your business,
I'll mind mine
Got six-inch heels to strut
Nine inches to...
I'll sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
Yeah, they call it a runway
but a b*tch never run
Yeah, I'm one in a million
I make millions just for one
- Heads up!
- Hey, Max--
- Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
- Sixty-nine
She lives.
Someone took a stroll
onto an active soccer field.
What's that about?
Sometimes when I get anxious,
I nervous hallucinate.
Oh, yeah, I've been there.
I used to hallucinate all the time
when I was your age.
But that's because I was
on an ungodly amount of LSD.
Okay.
Off you go, my dear.
I'll get to you in a minute.
Jesus.
So I've been thinking on it.
What should we do
for your birthday?
My dad said he wanted
to hire a hooker for it.
Messed up, man.
Your first time is about
intimacy, connection.
Me and Chloe, forget it.
- I wept after.
- Hm.
The one time I performed oral sex,
I was so emotional.
I haven't cried like
that since The Whale.
It was official,
every person on earth
was more sexually
experienced than me.
I needed guidance.
And that's when I saw
where to get it.
Look at my tag,
look at my bags...
I had no idea
what was about to happen
or how it would change
my whole world,
but it did.
I got the work,
I got the work
I got the work for days
I got the work...
All right, boys, show some love
to Rhinestone who works two jobs.
She's runnin' on fumes.
She's runnin' out of gas,
but still showin' a*s.
Guys, if you're a creep,
you're gonna get bounced.
A reminder.
Ladies and gentlemen,
comin' to the stage,
a Diamond Doll's favorite.
She is the muse of Syracuse.
It's about to get erotica,
give it up for Santa Monica.
Santa Monica!
I'm your number one fan!
You've got them
all by the ba*ls
Causin' waterfalls,
stone walls, bar brawls
Common stalls that cause 'em all
To you, they crawl, body sprawl
Smokin' Pall Malls,
close call, stand tall
Doll, you make 'em
feel so small...
The first time you see someone
that comfortable in their own skin,
it's almost jarring.
Every part of me felt alive,
like I was on fire.
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
The girls wanna be her
The boys wanna be her
I wanna be her
Yes, I do
Listen up, listen up, listen up
Voices scatter, listen up...
And there she was.
The answer to all my problems.
I found my sexual fairy godmother
in a strip club.
- Voices scatter
- The boys wanna be her
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
The boys wanna be her
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
- The boys wanna be her
- Whoo!
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
The boys wanna be her
- Yeah!
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
- The boys wanna be her
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
The boys wanna be her
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
The boys wanna be her
- The girls wanna be her
- Scatter
The boys wanna be her
Scatter
Scatter
- Scatter
- Whoo!
- Scatter
- You 18?
Come on, I'm gonna be 18
in like 15 minutes.
See you in 15.
There's two on, two out...
...has two outs.
Running the way he's going,
where's the pitch...
What the f*ck, mama?
Don't eat the food.
Let's hear it for Santa Monica!
What do you mean it could be?
It's nail polish.
But it could be lip gloss.
Look.
- Oh, no, that's burning. That's burning.
- Oh, my God.
Just worked my off for 82 bucks
and a stick of gum.
Oh, babe, your phone's
been vibrating all night.
- Mm-hmm.
- I almost sat on it.
Yeah, it's been blowing up.
Who is he?
It's this lame-a*s thread
for my high school reunion.
Ugh. Shut the f*ck up, losers.
Oh, my God, I hope you
didn't text that.
Oh, my God,
wait, that's so fun.
A high school reunion.
What are you gonna wear?
Who are you gonna do?
- Yeah, I'm not going.
- What?
Seriously, what do I have to
show for myself in the last 10 years?
Babe, so much gum.
Oh, careful, that is so wet.
So warm.
- You know...
- It's like pre-chewed.
...I didn't go
to my high school reunion,
but it would've been weird if I did
'cause I didn't go to high school.
And yet you're
the smartest woman I know.
Oh, my God, you gotta go out there
and meet other b*tches.
- You do.
- You really do.
Oh, g*dd*mn it!
Seriously? No!
I thought I had another week
on that bulb.
No you didn't, b*tch.
A bet's a bet, pay up.
Do you know how hard
I worked for this?
Slammed my p*ssy up and down.
I said, "Bow, bow, bow, bow."
And I got $40.
- Whoa!
- It was worth the vulva bruises.
- Thanks, babe.
- It's not bruised.
- I'm tough.
- Oh yeah. That's a good one.
Crispy!
God, you guys,
this place is falling apart.
Seriously, it looks like
we don't give a sh*t.
How long has that hole been there?
Excuse me?
She has a name.
Honestly, I'm surprised we didn't get
shut down when that guy had a seizure.
Ned? No, babe, Ned's fine.
Yeah, he's fine.
Yeah, on this stretcher he was like,
"Best night of my life. Destiny!"
Yeah, he spends his disability check
on me every week.
Ned's fine, he's absolutely fine.
I gave a guy a seizure once.
Oh, my God! Jesus Christ!
Betty, you scared
the sh*t out of us!
That's how I got my name.
You know, when I was your age
I was Betty Wetty,
because I made all the fellas
soak their pants.
And then one day,
I got hired to strip
for the infamous Tony Scarpuccio.
The guy from The Sopranos?
Better. He owns
Little Tony's Meatballs downtown.
Oh, that is better.
Anyway, Tony was going to town
on some spaghetti
when I was doin' my routine.
And I went down to the ground
and I split my underpants
right down the middle.
I mean, bean to tangerine.
And right at that moment,
he seized.
And ever since then
I've been Betty Spaghetti.
How is this the first time
- we're hearing this story?
- Yeah?
Oh, sh*t. I should have
started with this first.
It's why I came in here.
Okay, well, I'm deeply,
deeply, deeply in debt
and we're losin' the club.
- What?
- I'm sorry, tootsies.
I'm one of the best strippers
in the world,
but I am terrible at math.
Did you know that businesses
are supposed to
file their taxes every year?
- Yes.
- Yes.
Yeah.
Well, f*ck me.
Oh, my God, we can't lose the club!
I tried takin' out a loan,
but unless I pay it by next weekend...
Wait, what?
What'll happen?
She'll lose the club.
She'll lose the club?
Are you even listening?
Right?
Anyhoo, I just wanted
to tell you guys
so you could start lookin' for a place
to shake what the Lord gave ya.
And... and I give you my blessing.
What? No, no,
we can't just give up.
Destiny, when your job didn't give you
health insurance, who did?
- Diamond Dolls.
- Angel.
When your stepdad kicked you out,
where did you go?
Diamond Dolls.
Where do we spend every Thanksgiving?
Diamond-g*dd*mn-Dolls.
Guys, this is our Cheers.
Where everybody knows your nips.
How much?
Me?
My ears are for sh*t,
you gotta talk louder.
How much is the loan, Betty?
- Oh, twenty grand.
- Twenty grand? f*ck.
One week?
We c-- we can do that, right?
Uh, we could try OnlyFans.
No, I'm banned, dammit.
I'm banned from Facebook.
I don't even wanna ask about that.
It was bad.
Look, book me on any house calls
and I'll work overtime.
I mean, there's gotta be a way
to bring in the money, right?
Please welcome the dish
you cannot resist,
Betty Spaghetti.
Well, we need a miracle.
But luckily, I'm surrounded by angels.
I mean, there's gotta be some rich freak
who will pay for my time, right?
Who will be the lucky guy?
Horse guts!
All right, let me
take some comments here.
Uh, Brainsbrainsbrains says,
"Hi, Abby-Cadaver, huge fan."
Thank you.
"Heard there was a secret room
in Wyatt's Saloon?"
Yes. If you go up the staircase,
locate the pregnant saloon girl zombie...
There she is.
...rip out her fetus.
...lasso the umbilical cord
around the chandelier,
swing, and you're in.
Okay, I'm signing off for now.
Thank you so much for subscribing.
I'm so grateful for the tips.
So, until tomorrow, good-die.
Whew.
Honey, we're about to leave.
Are you sure you don't wanna
spend your birthday with us?
Moving my grandma into a home?
- Pass.
- Okay, okay.
Well, happy early birthday.
- Happy birthday to you
- Oh, awesome! Thanks.
Now this doesn't mean you should
spend your whole birthday on Glitch.
There's some more at the bottom.
Huh.
- Yeah.
- I know it's not a car,
but we're very proud of you
for working so hard
to save up for one on your own.
Thanks, Dad.
Until then, Mom's Volvo has a full tank.
No, I should just take your car.
Absolutely not.
Oh, and Abby, don't be mad,
but I asked the Cruz's daughter Lily Rose
to stop by at some point.
She's been helping me in my CPR class.
Just try. Maybe you'll make a friend.
- Lyft's leaving, hon.
- We'll miss you.
Have fun.
You're still young, throw a party.
But don't forget to put away Lola's china.
She's had that since the w*r.
Margaret, she's not throwing a party.
Be nice to Lily Rose.
Love you.
Ingat.
Now, be careful, do not answer this door.
- Whatever-- Stranger danger.
- Okay, okay. Bye, kiddo.
Oh, I'm gonna cry in the Lyft.
Operation 69 Max, commence.
Diamond Dolls, where the girls are...
I dunno. I can't remember.
Hello. I am a guy.
Obviously.
Looking for a dancer
named Santa Monica
to come to my home this evening
for a respectful dance.
- Jesus.
- Is eight o'clock sharp okay?
Okay, so it's cash only,
and it's a hundred an hour,
three hours minimum.
That's about five hundred, I think.
And you better tip 'em.
Not an issue.
I, uh... work in bonds.
And I sell Jet Skis.
Oh, fancy, okay.
What's your address, big shot?
Yes!
Write this down, babe.
- 402...
- Yeah.
...Berry Avenue.
That's A-V--
Yeah, I know how to spell "avenue."
Alexi, play "sexy-time" songs.
Now playing Taxi theme song.
No, Alexi, play...
Hello?
Is anybody home?
And horny?
Yoo-hoo
Is anybody home?
Ooh. Well, well, well,
What do we have here?
Ooh, a little shy guy.
Naughty, naughty.
Would it have k*lled you
to meet me at the door?
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, he's dead.
Truffle almond?
Talk.
Oh, um, th-- there's this guy Max
and he's always been
with this girl Mercedes--
Shorter version.
I love Max. He's finally single.
Okay, where am I in the story?
Why am I in a basic-a*s kitchen?
I want to pay you
to teach me how to 69 Max.
Okay, slightly more details?
Last night I saw you at Diamond Dolls
and you were dancing
and you lit up the room.
Okay, go on.
I've never seen anything like it.
You literally owned every guy in there.
Uh, I've never even
remotely had what you have.
Well, this I buy.
So, I figured
if I could get you to be my coach,
teach me things,
then I'd get what I have always wanted.
Max.
Okay. Um, I'll coach you right now.
That speech was boring, weird,
and also boring.
You don't have enough money to pay me
to listen to more of them.
So, I will take my payment, plus tip,
and if you're selling
any of those, like, chocolate bars
for your high school,
I'll take one of those.
I'm not selling chocolate bars.
Aren't you little shits
always selling chocolate bars?
It's a common misconception.
- Ugh.
- I'm-- I'm telling you I need your help.
Don't you have, like,
a sister or a girlfriend or something?
Ask her. Not some
hot stripper you catfished.
No, I don't have someone. I...
One week, that's all I need.
I can pay you.
In What? Pez dispensers? I'm good.
I mean, I have $5,000 right here.
I'm telling you I'm rich.
Holy sh*t, you are.
What, do you have like
a lemonade stand chain?
People pay to watch me
play games on Glitch.
I'm like really good at it.
Oh, cool. Where the f*ck
are your parents?
Out of town for the week.
Come on, name your price.
I'm telling you, I'm rich.
Twenty thousand dollars.
What?
I'll do it for 20,000.
A week with me
and I'll teach you
everything you need to know
to pull off a facade of confidence.
I'd rather it not be a facade.
Five thousand dollars is the deposit
and the rest by Saturday
and you've got yourself
a little sex coach.
Can you please stop
thrusting your crotch?
What, you don't like
a little sex coach?
I had to think fast.
Spend every dime I had getting with Max
or get my dream car. Uh...
Ah, f*ck it.
Let's do it.
Oh, I thought I said that out loud.
Let's do it.
Santa Monica.
Treat your number one fan
to a lap dance, will you?
Oh, how'd you know I charge 10 bucks
for an a*s pinch, perv?
Santi?
- Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
- Baby, wait. What are you doing?
Uh-uh-uh-uh. What are you doing here?
You don't work today.
- Oh, sh*t going down.
- Uh-huh.
- sh*t-- Go, go, go.
- We're coming.
- On the way.
- But not too fast.
What's that, Santi?
Five thousand dollars plus a sweaty 10.
I think I can make you enough money
to save the club in time.
If I got you the 20 grand,
would you consider letting me
co-own Diamond Dolls?
Baby... I can't keep running this show.
You can have the whole thing.
As long as I can still hang around
and shake my bra biscuits
for another 60 years.
Wait, you wanna be a stripper at 110?
I told ya I'm not good with math.
We got a deal?
It's a deal.
Now quit smoking in my office.
Ha-ha! Thattagirl.
What?
Do you wanna come in? Or...
Okay.
- Cool car.
- It's a piece of sh*t.
Totally.
How'd you sleep?
All right, rule number one,
no small talk.
You say something interesting
or nothing at all.
Did you know worms
are the only animals that 69?
What the f*ck am I
supposed to do with that?
All right, rule number two,
we stick to the lessons.
Everything we discuss will be a lesson.
There's no, like, "hanging out"
because you've hired me to teach you.
And teachers don't hang out
with their students
unless they're f*cking,
which we're not.
I'm sorry, I didn't know
what time we were starting today.
I forgot to brush my teeth.
Rule number three,
I get my payment
of $20,000 by Saturday.
Happy to be in business with you.
Oh, my God, that breath isn't.
- Did you like eat a poo for dinner?
- No.
All right, lesson one, get out.
Hey, you're going for a walk.
I don't hear you.
How is this supposed
to help me get with Max?
We're building your confidence.
- Ahh!
- Jesus. Are your ankles drunk?
Did you have a pia colada
while you ate sh*t for dinner?
Come on. I have never worn heels before.
All right, now come on! Let's hear it.
Are you saying it?
'Cause I can't hear you.
I am a s-sex machine.
What, you think you're a sex machine?
I don't think so.
I am a-- a sex machine.
No, let's hear it. Who are you?
I am a sex machine.
Don't tell me, tell Max.
I am a sex machine!
Yes, b*tch, there she is!
There she is.
Now Tell Max what you do.
I am a machine that gives you sex.
Okay, what else?
Uh, I was made in a horny lab
by dirty scientists.
They all got so turned on
they started kissing each other.
And you made it weird.
Coffee break.
Oh, there's a really great spot...
All right, lesson two.
We're gonna assess your knowledge.
So, let's start with what you know.
Okay, well, I know about
hand jobs and blow jobs.
I've heard of rim jobs.
I'm-- I think I can guess
what those are though.
Oh, cool.
I'm dying to know
what you think a rim job is.
Is it when a guy puts his hands
on the rim of your boobs
and goes "e-ooh-e-ooh"?
So we're starting at zero.
Correct.
I mean, have you ever watched porn?
...ography?
All right, that's a no.
What about a sexy movie?
Oh, yeah, I've seen like
a ton of romantic movies,
but they always cut away
before they get to the 69.
Okay.
Although, I do know what a...
uh, p*nis
feels like.
p*nis?
p*nis.
Why are you afraid to say p*nis?
No one is home.
- Okay.
- p*nis.
p*nis.
How have you felt a p*nis?
Someone told me
that if you put your finger
on your eyelid, it feels like a p*nis.
Yeah, like, go like this and then you...
Huh.
Wait, it does actually.
- Not no.
- Right?
Yeah.
Okay, one point for Griffindork.
Okay, you don't have to jerk it off.
Oh, sorry.
So, you're doing all this for some guy?
Not that I'm complaining,
but, like, why this guy?
- What do you mean?
- Like, why is he the one?
I mean, a million reasons.
Um, he's Max Warren.
He's super hot
and he, like, he plays soccer.
Oh, and he has such great hair.
You're spending $20,000
to get with a guy
because his hair is good?
Did you have a crush
when you were my age?
Jean-Paul Giordano.
Hmm. What did you know about him?
He was obsessed with Disney World
and his brother drowned in a pool.
Jesus.
All right, homework.
Deep dive Max's Instagram.
Find out more about him.
Okay.
Thanks for the day.
When am I gonna see you again?
She's gone.
I am a sex machine.
Eh...
Hey, y'all,
I just wanted to thank
the Syracuse Police Department
for finding my Uncle Frank.
They say cold cases stay cold,
but not in New York, right, Mom?
Bye, y'all.
Oh.
Come on.
Just... Forget it.
I'll just think about it.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Listen. Betty, you'd be
making a huge mistake.
Diamond Dolls is gonna go under.
Now, look, if--
if you give the club to me,
your legacy, it gets to go on.
I just don't know
why you're not saying yes.
Are you on your period?
- What the hell?
- Hola. Rick Richards.
Yeah, a name so nice,
your folks named you Dickhead twice.
Well, two Dicks are better than one.
I'm sure you'd agree.
Uh, wait a second.
Santa Monica, right?
Oh, my God.
I almost didn't recognize you.
It has been years
since you auditioned for me.
You've... really aged.
Yeah, I remember you.
I was 18 and you asked me
to audition without my underpants.
Well, only a sucker buys a used car
without looking under the hood.
And by used car, I mean stripper,
and looking under the hood,
I mean looking at your vag*na.
- Yeah, I-- we got it.
- Okay.
- Just for clarity.
- Mm-hmm.
I like to check the slits.
Okay, what is this
sh*t-slime doing here?
Well, The Old Spaghetti Factory over here
owes me some dinero.
What? Betty!
I thought you owed the bank.
Sorry, doll.
They couldn't help me, okay?
Yeah, it's a shame.
And if she can't pay,
I'll be your new boss.
Although we might have
to lose some of the uglies.
You know which ones I'm talking about.
But don't worry, I'm a great boss.
I have a very hands-on approach.
So if anyone's taking over
this establishment,
it should be someone
who knows how to run a club.
Wouldn't you agree?
Someone who knows how to work the girls.
Someone with
a college education, comprende?
What's with the Spanish?
Trying to learn
a new language every week.
My little girl got me
Duolingo for my birthday.
You have a daughter?
No, I'm talking about my b*tch.
Listen, I'm taking over the club
so you can hasta la vista, baby.
I'll have your money next week.
I don't know what you said.
I haven't gotten that far in the course,
but I will tell you this.
If you don't have the money,
if, uh, Santa Monica
should be washed away
by a tidal wave of El Nio.
Then you have my card, Betty.
And I'll be back next weekend
to collect the keys.
Talk then, Spaghettio.
Oh, and, uh...
when I do take over,
I am gonna need to see you audition again,
but no costume this time.
Capiche?
That's Italian.
Nah-uh.
Yeah-huh, look it up.
Whatever.
Duolingo has over 40 language courses.
Duolin-go f*ck yourself.
Oh, nice mouth on this one, Betty.
What the hell, Betty?!
Rick Richards?
He can't take over
Diamond Dolls, he can't!
I don't want him to, honey.
But if you can't raise
that money by next weekend,
we are f*cked.
I'll get you the money.
I'm in rainbows
Ridin' my scout
Behind my leather
And hammer down...
Oh, sh*t.
Oh. Abby dear. Yoo-hoo!
Mommy's here to pick you up.
You'll find us all downtown
- Come on.
- What are you doing here?
We gotta get moving on the plan.
Come on.
No time to waste.
Get in the car. Here we go.
Good enough for me
Mm. I love a man in uniform.
Oh!
Uh, why couldn't this wait
until after I got home?
Oh, God.
Principal Morris is staring at me
like I just joined a sex cult.
Oh, my God, ew.
I can't believe he still works here.
Wait, when I was a senior,
he used to do this like
disgusting eye trick
where he'd use one eye
to look at your chest.
So gross.
I tried to get the perv fired.
You know he has a glass eye, right?
Uh-huh.
Totally.
Sad.
Oh, sh*t, duck!
Ow! Oh, my God.
Dude, I just got filler.
Okay, who are we hiding from?
Robin Goode.
She thinks she's better
than everyone else.
She's in charge of our class reunion.
Of course she is. Look at her in her
f*ck' little business lady suit.
Nice camel-toe, Ann Taylor Loft.
Oh, cool, you don't show
cleavage in your suit.
How professional.
Oh... Oh, okay, she's gone.
She's gone.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah, obviously. Duh.
Are you gonna go to the reunion?
Oh, my God, what did
I say about small talk?
Now, let's begin your next lesson.
Oh, God, I really don't wanna wear that.
You aren't. Okay.
Most guys don't know
your clitter from your shitter.
So, in order to really enjoy
your first sexual experience,
you have to be good
at giving direction.
Any questions?
Uh...
You can't be serious.
Right?
No, no, no, no, no, no.
No! Oh! Jesus!
Turn left, turn left, left.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Um, uh, slight left.
Just-- just stop it! Oh no!
Oh, Jesus.
What?
Left! Left!
Tell me what to do!
- Use your words.
- Right!
Right!
Because it's great
Great for me to sing
Okay, stop!
Stop! Stop! Stop!
Oh, God.
Good enough for me
Oh, f*ck. Now it looks like
Im making fun of him.
Go, go!
Stop!
You did it.
You did it! We're here!
- Oh, my God, we made it!
- Holy sh*t!
I got scared for a second.
You got scared?
I had to see all that,
I thought I was gonna die.
I didn't put it in park.
Right.
Good enough for me
Should we leave a note?
What did I say about small talk?
Heart of stone
Oh, hi.
I'm on my own
Let me know if you need any...
thing.
Since you've gone...
It was like kink Disneyland.
But all the rides vibrated more.
"Everybody wants a German to ride."
Ew.
"Powerful as a BMW, eco as a Prius."
It's crazy,
everything has, like, handles now.
Hmm.
Next lesson.
You have to be comfortable
in your own body
before you lay on someone else's, right?
I mean, 69-ing is like specifically meant
for dual pleasure.
I mean, when I was your age,
I thought the more the guy got off,
the better the sex was.
You know, I was just chugging
d*ck after d*ck after di--
Yeah, I didn't feel anything.
I was just faking orgasm after orgasm,
just lying on my back.
Just like a little songbird, like...
You know? It sucked.
And I blew out my vocal chords.
But, you know, it's actually the opposite.
Turns out the more I got off,
the better the sex was.
So, you gotta figure out
what turns you on.
Like, for me, it's choking,
but I have trauma.
Maybe you pick something
and I'll go die of embarrassment
in the car.
Hey, a vibrator
is a window to your soul.
Isn't that, like, stitched on a pillow
in your house somewhere?
Live, love, c*m?
Haven't you ever been like nervous
and excited about something
at the same time?
I guess. Uh...
when I go into
haunted houses at Halloween.
Oh, my God, you really are a dork.
Okay, think about this like that.
You can be scared and excited
about this next step.
And I'm gonna help.
Best stuff for female pleasure
is behind the curtain.
Ooh. Female pleasure.
Welcome, Abby.
Enter, if you dare.
We've been waiting
for you to c*m.
Okay, I'm actually scared.
No, we got this.
- Heart of stone
- Stone
I feel...
Oh, my God!
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Oh, my God.
Wait. We're in my house.
Yeah, no sh*t.
Cute vibe.
Oh, not Lola's china!
Come on, just pick one and let's go.
Um...
Hmm?
- That's good.
- Okay.
I prefer the rabbit.
Oh, my God!
No! Go, go, go.
Abigail, what have you done?!
My walls!
My beautiful walls!
Mom? What is she talking about?
Female ejaculation!
Everywhere!
I swear I didn't do it!
I didn't! I-- I didn't even know
that females could do that!
Oh, Abby.
Go to your room!
This is my room.
You jizzed on your dad!
Okay, I'm done,
I don't wanna do this anymore.
- It's not fun scary.
- Go, go.
Help!
Help! I'm caught!
Ah!
- Come on!
- Okay!
What the f*ck?
Oh, God!
- Sixty-four dollars!
- What?!
Sixty-four dollars.
Fun, right?
Goddammit.
Okay, barf.
This looks like a toilet
became a sweater.
Ew.
Oh, my God.
This is, like, covered in dog hair,
so that's not gonna work.
Jesus.
How do you have
zero f*ck-me clothes?
What? No, this one's nice.
I got it from the Gap.
Okay, well no one's gonna wanna
touch your gap wearing that.
All right, I can't believe
I'm saying this,
but I think we have to
raid your mom's closet.
Question, where did
you go in the Love Hut?
What do you mean?
You were, like, checked out as sh*t.
Um... I mean...
sometimes I have fantasies.
Ooh, kinky. I love it.
Not, like, sexual.
More like, um...
I get nervous and my brain goes places
that make everything seem
wonderful and perfect.
Except for this one.
This one was off the rails.
I'm no therapist,
but I do, like, listen
to bald guys with boners
talk about their wives for a living.
But it sounds to me like
maybe you're protecting yourself.
I guess.
It kinda sucks though
'cause then I miss
what's actually happening.
Well, maybe if you were
more confident in your reality,
you'd stop fantasizing, right?
In the meantime,
I don't know, pinch your thigh
when you go to "too good to be true" land.
That's a good tip.
Ooh! Okay, suit.
Okay, wait, this is kinda chic.
You look like someone named Judy.
Hi, I'm Judy,
and I'm taking away your kids
'cause you have a pill problem.
Oh, you should wear that
to your reunion.
Yeah, I'm not going to that.
How come? You should.
If I were as cool as you, I'd totally go.
Dork.
Okay, there's no way around this.
These clothes are a*s
and mine are amazing.
So I think you need to borrow some of mine
for that party on Saturday.
There was definitely
a nicer way of saying that.
Bye.
Hey.
Buzz off.
Stupid.
You're really k*lling my vi...
Hi.
Uh, I'm Lily Rose.
Your mom told me to drop by.
Of course you are.
Do come in.
I'm okay.
So I heard the bad news
Nobody likes me
And I'm gonna die alone
in my bedroom
- Word!
- Yes, b*tch.
Lookin' at strangers
on my telephone
Well, what do you know
What's happening?
Wouldn't you like
if I believed those words?
If I'm born to lose
You know we're not supposed
to be in here after hours?
Oh, my God.
Myself in the mirror
Saying don't leave me now...
Do guys fake it?
Not with me--
or ever, probably.
What do you do with the ba*ls?
Treat 'em like a bug bite.
You know it's there
but you try and ignore it.
Is the G-spot real?
Oh, yeah.
Hook in and you'll find it.
Nice. Is the H-spot real?
Absolutely not, you made that up.
How do you eat with the mask on?
There's a hole under the snout.
DJ Don! DJ Don!
So, here's the bad news
I'm coming for everyone
And coming on strong...
Hi, Max.
Any questions?
- No, I think I got it.
- Okay.
Now be careful.
He's rock hard.
Ohh!
Yeah, don't do that to Max.
Hey, does this feel
like the right spot?
Uh, lower.
A little to the left.
- Yeah, it feels good.
- Cool.
Wait, are we watching a movie?
No, I don't have time
to watch a whole movie with you.
But I have to watch it?
Risky Business was
my sexual awakening.
I mean, come on, Tom Cruise
and the men's button-down
and the tighty-whities and socks?
Wait, where were his pants?
Who gives a sh*t?
"Who gives a sh*t."
Hey, you can't be in here!
All right, rule of thumb,
if you're a good dancer,
- you're good in bed.
- Amen.
Trust me, I'm a great dancer.
I-I'm just not into dancing in public.
- Do the "Macarena."
- It's a safe space.
- Yeah.
- Come on,
who made up that stupid rule anyway?
The same person that said,
"You know what a woman's bush looks like
by the way she takes care of her nails."
- That is true.
- Preach.
- Ooh.
- Oh, you got...
- You got a little girl...
- Let me see that.
Oh, no! Get away from me.
Get away from me!
Abby, just to be clear,
pubes friggin' rule, girl.
- No. No, no, no!
- Let me see those nails!
My girls.
Ow!
What the f*ck?!
So iconic, like big,
like stan, like
I would give my life
just to hold your hand
I'm your number one fan
I'm your number one,
number one fan
Oh, my God, like,
I'm your number one fan
- Hi.
- Hey.
So iconic, like big,
like stan, like
I would give my life
Just to hold your hand
I'm your number one fan
I'm your number one,
number one fan
Oh, my God, like,
I'm your number one
Number one fan
Hmm.
Number one, number one
1-800-Damn!
Okay, little skirt moment.
Is that why you called me over here?
Um, I just thought
we should celebrate.
What?
You've had this the whole time?!
Um, well, yeah.
Girl, let's f*ck' party.
Oh, I thought we could
just drive the car.
Yeah, that's...
that's what I meant.
Oh, cool.
Hey, check this out.
Sixty-nine!
No!
You were cool for, like,
15 whole seconds.
Wild Wild Dead is coming out today.
They're doing a physical release
before it comes out online.
Come on.
- No.
- Yes, come on.
No.
Come on.
- Ugh.
- Oh, my God.
- Two hours for a f*cking video game?
- Come on, we're almost there.
Next zombie.
No wonder you didn't know
anything about sex.
Look at the crowd you run in.
What were you like in high school?
Pretty.
And?
And really pretty.
Super attractive, gorgeous, hot.
Girls hated me, guys jacked off to me.
So, I didn't really hang out with anyone.
You were a loner?
Like me.
Well, a little different.
- How so?
- Next zombie.
Would you like a free
Wild Wild Dead zombie costume?
- Yes, please.
- f*ck, no.
Okay, I can only give one per customer.
- Oh, I'm good, thanks.
- Okay.
Oh, sh*t. Ugh. I totally forgot.
Thank you.
- Thanks.
- Bye.
Next zombie.
Hey, what's wrong?
I had Betty book me on
any house calls that came in.
I forgot I had one tonight.
f*ck, I'm screwed.
I can drive you.
I can take you.
No, no.
You sure?
I got you. Get in.
- Is this it?
- Yeah.
I don't think you should go in there.
Okay. Well, I don't really have a choice.
Okay, look, it's clearly shady,
so just don't get outta the car, okay?
- It's, it's real creep--
- Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
I'll be fine.
We may love too soon
This sh*t is kicking in.
- We may love too soon
- f*ck it.
I had never
had this feeling before.
I was nervous, like I always am,
but this time, for Santa Monica.
Okay, don't touch me.
Kinda shame
- You want some?
- No.
Don't give the hooker our blow.
I'm not a f*cking hooker.
You're whatever we say you are.
Come see my room.
- Okay. All right.
- Come on.
- f*ck this!
- Aw, come on.
Come back.
We're just f*ck' around.
All right, go! Go, go.
f*ck! f*ck.
sh*t.
Abby?
Abby?
We need more f*cking coke.
Problems are left to know
Weekenders all night long
f*ck!
It's such fun
Abby!
Oh, sh*t!
I shouldn't have taken
that second pill.
- Run!
- Oh.
- Okay, let's go.
- Go, go!
That f*ck' b*tch!
Oh, it's such a perfect day
I'm glad I spent it with you
Oh, such a perfect day
You just keep me hangin' on
You just keep me
hangin' on
f*ck you!
I can't believe you did that for me.
I mean, no one have ever--
Dressed like a zombie for you?
Don't deflect.
That was very badass
what you did back there.
Thanks.
Hey, earlier you said
we were celebrating.
What are we celebrating?
The loss of half of your pubic hair?
Uh, no. Um, it's my birthday.
No sh*t.
Dude, happy birthday.
Thanks.
- I have to pee.
- It was a weird--
Oh, okay. Yeah.
Maybe it was
because of Santa Monica,
but people started
looking at me differently.
It felt kinda cool.
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday to you
Happy birthday, dear Abby
Happy birthday to you
Yay!
Make a wish!
I wonder what it is.
Happy birthday, Abby.
Well, that was kind of fun,
in, like, a weird way.
Mm.
Oh, hey, Santi?
Um, I-- I don't wanna overstep.
I know it's your job but...
I don't know, those guys tonight
were really scary.
I just don't think you should be
doing that anymore.
Okay, well, thanks to you
that was my last one.
Me? Why me?
I'm using the 20,000 you're paying me
to buy Diamond Dolls.
Betty was gonna lose the club
if we didn't raise money in time.
And... honestly it's always
been my dream to own it.
Anyway, this jerk was
gonna take it over.
But because if you,
I get to save the club
and my work family.
You know, I wasn't gonna go
to my high school reunion
'cause I hadn't done
anything with my life.
But now I get to go back
as a business owner.
And I'm sorry,
like a f*ck' hot one at that.
What?
Sorry. Um...
You've just... never talked
about your personal life.
Well, money talks.
And I'm getting mine on Saturday.
Hey, tomorrow's
your last day of high school.
I think it's okay
to flirt a little with Max.
- Max.
- Go for it.
Call me.
That night I didn't sleep at all.
I had finally started
to get close to Santa Monica.
There was only one problem.
I didn't have the money.
I was selfish and stupid
and shouldn't have been
canceling games all week.
I really thought
I had more time.
I needed to focus
on getting the money, and fast.
Nothing would break
my concentration.
- Hey, Cherry Worms.
- Hey, Max.
Oh. Hi, Max.
Uh, so I'm having some people
over to my place tomorrow night.
You gonna make it?
Uh, I...
Ye-- Yes. Yes.
I am physically able to make a party.
I think I can make it.
Nice. Well, I hope you come.
Uh, great, I hope you come, too.
Yeah, yeah, I'll be there.
I live there, so...
- Oh. Convenient.
- Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Hi, anak. How was your birthday?
Did Lily Rose stop by?
I really want you
to make a friend, mahal.
Uh, I-- I don't really have time
to talk right now.
I just wanted to, uh,
throw an idea your way.
Oh, okay.
Um, what if no college?
Oh, here comes your father.
Abigail, I don't get the joke.
And we're unboxing a Squatty Potty.
Are you in some sort of trouble?
No, no, not at all.
I just, um... I wanted to, uh...
ask if there was any extra cash
lying around the house for pizza.
Oh, there's frozen pizza
in the freezer.
Eat now, okay?
Before you get hungry.
Wave to Grandma.
- I'm tired.
- Okay, okay.
Call you back.
Ooh... Yeah, no.
My dad taught me not to
loan money to anyone.
What's crazy is my dad just lost his job
and now he needs a loan from me.
The irony.
Thanks anyway.
Again? I didn't even get any info.
Girl, I charge by appointment.
Come on.
Oh, wow, uh, it looks like I lost
quite a few subscribers.
Okay, well, coming on to Glitch
to give all... 38 of you
an exclusive offer.
If you donate a hundred bucks,
I'll give away private game sessions
to the first 150 people.
Okay, I am not thirsty.
I am just...
And they're gone.
f*ck you, wall art.
Hello?
Santi?
Hello.
Just take those old records
Off the shelf
What are you doing?
You mean what are we doing?
We're watching Risky Business.
Is this part of Risky Business?
It's the most iconic part.
Okay.
It's official, we're watching it.
You have no idea
how long I was waiting back there.
Hours.
Okay, now these are the opening credits.
These are the actors,
but they're not gonna be
playing themselves.
Just, you know...
They're in the movie.
Are you just explaining
what a movie is to me?
No.
Are you gonna be talking
the whole time?
Here comes the dance I was doing.
That one.
I still don't get why
he doesn't have pants on.
'Cause it's cool.
It's cool to not wear pants.
What, so like,
Winnie-the-Pooh is cool now?
Wait, I have to pause
'cause I have to pee.
- Okay.
- Just kidding.
Oh.
I think it's really messed up
when your people are watching movies
and then it's like,
"Oh, pause, let me go to the bathroom."
It's like, "Oh, so you just
like rule the movie?"
What'd you think?
Pretty good movie, right?
In terms of teenage brothel movies,
I'll give it two thumbs up.
Okay.
I have something to show you.
Come over here
Come on.
- Oh, I'm following you.
- Yeah.
Check this out.
I'm renaming the club.
- Cool.
- Oh.
And I bought you a little something.
I don't deserve it.
I thought it would be great
for tomorrow night.
- It's perfect.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Oh, um, I got you something too,
but I didn't buy it.
Okay, well, it better not be like
a friendship bracelet or some sh*t.
Don't open it yet.
Okay.
Um...
I actually have to
talk to you about something.
Wait, it's Friday.
Today was your last day of school.
- Yeah.
- Uh...
Shouldn't you be out getting wasted
instead of watching
'80s movies with an older--
but still younger... girl?
Um, can I ask you something?
Yeah.
What do you think
is actually gonna happen
if you get to 69 Max?
- Like after?
- Yeah.
I don't know, I guess
it'd be great
if he became my boyfriend.
Like... it'd be nice
to have someone
to hang out with me.
Like, we'd have inside jokes
and watch movies, braid each other's hair
and we could tell each other secrets
and it wouldn't be
embarrassing or anything
because we love each other
unconditionally, you know?
Um...
That sounds like you want a friend.
What? What do you mean?
Abby, I hate to do this
before your big night...
but you're not ready.
I don't understand.
I don't think you're ready to 69 Max.
I promise you, I promise you,
you have time,
but for now, you're still a kid.
I am not.
Come on, you thought rim jobs
were like boob-related foreplay.
Okay, so I didn't know some things.
I-- I didn't realize
that you'd hold that against me.
I'm not. I'm-- I'm sorry, I...
I'm just trying
to be honest with you.
You don't care.
All you've ever cared about
was the money.
I'm never gonna hear from you again
the second that you get your hands on it.
That is not true.
Let's find out, shall we?
- Wait, what do you mean?
- I don't have your money!
Uh...
I-- I don't.
I-- I have what I gave you already.
I don't have your $20,000.
I'm so sorry.
You're sorry?
I have to tell Betty
I don't have the money.
I have to then tell the women I work with
they're out of a job,
or worse, working for
a f*cking psycho-pervert.
This isn't like a video game, okay?
This is my real f*cking life.
I'm s--
I feel awful.
Geez. What was the plan, Abby?
I-I-I-I figured that I could
get it to you over time.
I mean, do you know
how much of my time you've wasted
pretending to be something
you're never gonna be?
- Abby...
- Well, you're one to talk.
You spend all this time
teaching me about confidence--
confidence that you
don't even have yourself!
Hiding from your own classmate, really?
I bet-- I bet you anything
that you're gonna use this
to not go to your own reunion.
You wanna bet 20-f*cking-grand?
'Cause I could really
use that about now.
Good luck pretending you know
anything about sex tomorrow.
Oh, I'm gonna be just fine.
I'm a g*dd*mn sex machine.
For the nights
with the words in my mouth
Somethings underwater,
moving into color
Oh, oh, oh
What?
No!
Ugh!
Oh...
Ow! Damn it!
Think that was the medicine
and I felt better
Oh, now you're floating
in my breakfast cereal...
So, hi
Hey, hello, yeah,
that was a nice try
Coming up slowly
before you bite
And you know
I forgive and forget it
then you cry crocodile tears
Crocodile tears
Yes!
Pull the blinds,
when we felt like a ghost
Back down to the bottom,
gravity gets heavy
Oh you, held too tight,
when I needed you most
There's something we hold,
there's something we carry
So hi, hey, hello,
yeah. that was a nice try
Been coming up slowly before you bite,
and you know
I forgive and forget it
then you cry crocodile tears
Saturday night
getting lost in slow motion
Under the lights
Where we dance to let go
Have one of those nights
Where hearts don't get broken
Singing party songs
Don't know the words
But we sing a long like
La-da-di, la-da-da
La-da-di, la-da-da
La-da-di, la-da-da
La-da-di, la-da-da
Free yourself tonight
Singing party songs
Don't know the words
But we sing along
Free your self tonight
Singing party songs
Don't know the words
but we sing along
Go Bernie, go! Drink! Drink! Drink!
Where you wanna go tonight
Where the people never sleep
Saturday night
Getting lost in slow motion
Under the lights
Where we dance to let go
Go Bernie! Go Bernie! Go Bernie!
Where hearts don't get broken
Singing party songs
Don't know the words
but we sing a long like
- La-da-di, la-da-da
La-da-di, la-da-da
La-da-di, la-da-da
- La-da-di, la-da-da
- Hey!
Saturday night
Getting lost in slow motion
Uh, whiskey neat.
Hey, Monica, you came.
Robin.
You look great.
Thank you.
As usual.
So do you.
Your hair is really long.
Oh, thanks, it's extensions.
Well, some of it's mine,
the rest is, like... horse.
Never mind.
Weren't you like vice president
of our class or some sh*t?
How dare you?
- I was president, obviously, God.
- Oh. Sorry.
- Sorry, Madam President.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my God.
- What did you order?
Literally a whiskey.
The brown-- the brown one.
I'm sorry, I shouldn't have hired him.
He's my neighbor's son.
He's down on his luck.
I was trying to help him out.
- You know what's the saddest part?
- Hm?
He still wants to be an astronaut.
So, what do you do?
I'm...
I'm a stripper at Diamond Dolls.
Oh.
Huh.
I think I might actually head out,
but it was good to see you, Robin.
Wait, you--
you didn't ask me what I do.
Okay. What do you do?
I'm a realtor...
who hasn't sold a house
in three years, so...
I guess I plan high school reunions now,
which is super lame.
Also, my husband's cheating on me,
so that's fun.
I'm sorry, I needed that.
- Two more.
- Great.
- Just-- I'll watch you while--
- And another glass.
Another. Yep.
That's what two is.
Wait, so how'd he find out?
Well, I mean, he-- he knew
that something was up
when he found me measuring
the levels of the liquor bottle, so...
- Oh, no.
- Yeah.
Uh, you look really pretty.
Thrifty?
Yeah.
Yeah, you look like you-- really careful
with your spending habits.
It's really hard to hear you.
- Do you wanna go somewhere where we--
- Yeah.
Oh. Okay.
It wasn't supposed to be like this.
At least in my head, it wasn't.
Like...
I was supposed to be better than you.
- No offense.
- Please.
I had this fantasy
that I was gonna show up here
and like, buy everybody
a round of drinks.
Like-- like, people were gonna be
impressed by that or something.
Well, you should do it.
Dude, I'd be impressed.
I've only seen that, what,
in, like, the movies.
Well, it's an open bar, so...
And besides, he would take forever.
Well, he's got the moon
on his brain.
That's true.
Anyway, it's not even really my money.
It's my stupid, cheating,
rich husband's money.
How do you know he's cheating?
He comes home late,
like almost every night.
And he smells like vanilla.
- Mm.
- And I f*cking hate vanilla.
And then I ask him
and he says he was working.
Like, where are you working,
f*cking Cinnabon?
Anyway, all I'm saying
is that none of us
are where we thought we would be.
Do you wanna know the weirdest part?
I'm a loser at my own reunion.
I'm not getting the club.
I'm, like, f*cking broke.
And the thing I can't
stop thinking about is Abby.
Well, that's because
you can still do something
about that situation.
Okay, what do you mean?
You told her that she was
not ready for sex?
Sixty-nine, actually.
Different.
It's not technically sex,
although it's... wet.
Look, every girl has the right
to choose for themselves
when they're ready.
It's their choice.
I messed up, huh?
You may not be able
to get everything right,
but you can tell a good friend
when you're wrong.
Wow. Robin, you're a genius.
I can't be that smart,
I married that f*ck' idiot.
Whoo!
Bye.
Bye.
Holy sh*t, what a setup.
Oh, yeah, it's nothing.
You play Dead?
It's like my favorite game.
Really? Me too.
Sick.
So this is your room, huh?
Yep.
Oh, geez.
God, these are so stupid.
Wait. I can't do this.
Oh, okay, yeah.
Um, I'm-- I'm sorry, I can't.
I can't 69 you.
I'm sorry, I-- I want to, I do.
I just, I c-- I can't.
Sorry, did you say 69?
Yeah, I know
it's your favorite position.
I just, I... I'm not ready.
I am physically ready
because I studied so, so, so hard for it.
But I-- Oh, I'm just not
emotionally or mentally ready.
Abby...
what are you talking about?
I've never 69'd before.
Huh?
But Bernie said you love to 69.
Bernie said?
The mascot.
Why would...
Oh, no. No, I love number 69.
Jared Allen.
He played for the Minnesota Vikings.
My dad went to Idaho State with him,
so we got to go to his house once.
It was actually really dope.
He has two pools. Why does--
Are you f*cking kidding me?
I hired a stripper to...
Never mind.
Wait, but you've been with Mercedes
for like your whole life.
Yeah, Mercedes is like super into J-dawg.
Jesus.
She's saving herself for marriage.
How could I have missed it?
I'm Mercedes, I'm your girlfriend.
I guess... Abby.
Mercedes was a virgin,
which meant that Max...
You're a...
Me too.
Really?
You think I've had sex?
I don't know, I mean,
I didn't even know if you'd be into me.
Oh, my God!
Wait, what were you saying
about hiring a stripper?
Oh, well, she's--
she's actually my friend.
Well, she was my friend.
What happened?
I screwed up.
I owe her big and I don't
really know how to repay her.
I'm sure you'll think of something.
No, I-- I don't know.
I don't know what I can do to fix this.
I lied to her.
I mean, I kinda lied to you.
What? What do you mean?
I knew you played Wild Wild Dead.
I follow you on Glitch.
What? How--
Wait, how'd you know it was me?
Well, between your username Abby-Cadaver
and this beautiful head of curls
you have...
...it was pretty easy.
Wow.
Wow. Max Warren follows me on Glitch.
Max Guilford Warren sure does.
- Guilford?
- Guilford.
But you know, I guess
you could say that I'm a follower.
But like-- like, not in a way
it would be weird
if we, like, kissed or anything.
- Oh, my God, that's it.
- What?
I'm so sorry, I have to go.
Thank you.
Listen up!
Who here is 18?
Ugh.
Bro, I've never done LSD.
Yeah, you're sure
this is good quality?
This sh*t is vintage.
Have a good trip, fellow travelers.
Hello?
Abby?
I feel like it's kicking in already.
Hey, Abby.
Man, it doesn't work like that.
Hey, you're Max, right?
Oh, crap, you're a cop, aren't you?
What? Wait. Do I look like a cop?
Uh, yeah, I mean, you look
professional and crap, so...
Okay.
Where's Abby?
She said she had to do something to
get her stripper friend back or something.
She took most of the party with her.
Why didn't you go?
Uh, she only took people who are 18.
I'm 17, ma'am.
- Okay, thanks.
- Yeah.
Wait, did you and her...
like...
Sixty-nine. Did you sixty-nine?
Oh, uh, no, no. No, ma'am.
Uh, we-- we didn't even kiss.
Why? You're too good for her,
Abercrombie & b*tch?
What's wrong with you?
She's like f*ck' pretty
and you're like Tanathee Chalamet.
Uh, ma'am, I promise you
I am very into her, s-so, yeah...
Good boy.
She also said she wasn't ready yet.
Good girl.
And you gotta stop calling me ma'am.
I, like, just got health insurance.
Oh.
I always knew how I wanted
my first sexual experience to play out.
I'd be effortlessly cool, irresistible.
I'd have all the right moves.
And no matter
how or where it happened, it would be--
I'm so bored!
All this to say,
I screwed over my friends
to get a guy.
A great, great guy.
But a guy,
who turns out already likes me.
The point is, I shouldn't
have lied to Santa Monica.
- Show us your boobs!
- Shut the f*ck up, as*h*le.
Yeah, show us your d*ck, meathead.
How do you like it?
I'm a minor, so...
Then don't show us your d*ck.
Okay, everybody, I need your help.
I owe her a lot of money.
Twenty grand, actually.
Yeah, I know, it's a lot--
it's a lot of money.
And I just told you a lot about myself
and that was terrifying,
but also weirdly liberating.
Anyway, I want to make things right.
We're still live, right?
Oh, yeah.
Um, I would like to thank,
uh, Destiny, Angel, and Betty
- for helping me pull this off.
- Aw.
- I couldn't have done this...
- What?
- ...without you, and...
- Nothing.
- I don't give a sh*t.
- Okay.
So, to all my subscribers online,
the class of 2025,
and all you Diamond Dolls regulars,
I invite you to open
your hearts and your wallets.
Ladies and gentlemen
and high school children,
please give a warm Diamond Dolls welcome
to a young lady who is
a diamond in her own right.
Someone who has blossomed
in the time that we've known her--
Don, wrap it up.
Welcome Abby Flores!
Just take those old records
off the shelf
I'll sit and listen to 'em by myself
Oh my God, those legs!
- Today's music ain't got the same soul
- Come on, Abby!
I like that old time rock 'n' roll
Don't try to take me to a disco
You'll never even
get me out on the floor
In ten minutes
I'll be late for the door
I like that old time rock 'n' roll
- Oh, no.
- Oh, she's stuck. She's stuck.
She looks like a rotisserie chicken.
That old time rock 'n' roll
Oh!
That kind of music
just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
Get the f*ck outta my way.
With that old time rock 'n' roll
Oh! Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll
That kind of music
just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
- Is she sh**ting her own t*tties?
- With that old time rock 'n' roll
Yeah, girl! Dance, you freak!
Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!
Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll
That kind of music
just soothes the soul
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock 'n' roll
That's bad dancing.
Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll
That kind of music
just soothes the soul
- You weird little freak!
- Get 'em!
I reminisce about the days of old
With that old time rock 'n' roll
Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll
- That kind of music
- She won the night!
- Just soothes the soul
- That's my girl!
I reminisce about the days of old
- With that old time rock 'n' roll
- Whoo!
Still like that
old time rock 'n' roll
That's my girl.
I think I'm mad at her.
Sorry.
Samuel Moros.
It's nice to meet you, Samuel.
- Let me help you.
- Please do.
What a sweet kid to do that for ya.
Yeah, she's pretty great.
Just between us, if she wants
a summer job, shut it down.
Yeah, she can't dance for sh*t.
Oui, oui.
That's French for "I agree."
She was atrocious.
Oh look, an uncircumcised d*ck.
It's Rick!
And judging by
that sad excuse of a talent show,
I'm guessing that you don't have the cash.
Well, don't worry, I am a good boss.
I really like to...
...take care of my girls.
- Oh, damn.
- So do I.
You're gonna regret that,
you stupid b*tch.
The second I sign this paperwork,
I'm gonna throw you out on your a*s.
If we raised the 20 grand,
you're never stepping foot
in this club again.
All right, Abby, where are we at?
Samuel?
In-person donations, $3,187.
Oh, and what's the number on Glitch?
Six thousand, seven hundred and twelve.
- Dude.
- Yes!
Yes! Yes!
Oh, and, uh, 3,000 yen.
Oh!
- Wait. No, no. That's like 20 bucks.
- Oh.
- Ohh.
- Yeah.
Oh, wait, what about that
$5,000 deposit you gave Betty?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, and how much did
we raise at the door?
I have a fear of public speaking.
Come on, Dave.
Dave.
- Dave!
- Dave!
Around 800 at the door.
That's pretty good.
So, how much is that then?
Siri, find calculator app.
Anybody know
what the first one she said was?
It's not enough.
If you carry-- if you car--
if you carry the four...
Not enough.
Shut up. If you carry the four...
Still counting? It's not enough.
They did it!
Twenty thousand dollars!
Yes!
What?
Really?
- What? Yes!
- What? What?
Wait, wait.
No, they're 4,300 short.
- Oh, man.
- Aw!
For f*ck's sake.
What the f*ck, Gary?
Don't worry, Abby.
It's okay.
Well, Betty, let's go sign
the paperwork in my new office.
Ladies. Arigatou.
Girls, I'm so sorry.
- I wish I could do somethin'.
- Chop, chop, Spaghetti.
- Maybe I can help.
- Oh.
Oh, where did it come from?
Robin, what are you doing here?
Well, apparently my husband
frequents this place.
Isn't that right?
So, I thought he could invest in a place
he cares about so much, don't you think?
And if it helps a friend out of a bind
while spending some of his money,
then it's a win-win.
- Are you serious?
- Yeah, he sucks.
Plus, don't question
a presidential decision.
We got it!
No, stop! Stop! Shut up!
Shut the hell up!
I'm done with this!
Okay, I am done with
Magic Mike's awkward niece.
You're a terrible dancer!
I'm done with the Witches of Eastwick.
I'm done with... whoever the hell you are.
- I'm Robin.
- You're Robin?
- Yeah.
- All right, it's over!
The club is mine!
Betty, it is time to hand
the club over to me, right now!
You decaying excuse of a dancer.
Don't you ever...
ever call me a dancer!
I am Betty Spaghetti,
and I'm a goddamned stripper.
Ohh!
- Spaghetti!
- Ooh!
Yes!
Yes!
Should I have the bouncer
throw him out on his a*s?
Your call, boss.
Boss lady.
- Let's go, numb nuts.
- Oh!
Hey! Watch the suit, danke schoen!
Hey, Rick.
That's sign language for f*ck you.
Yeah!
Oh, hey, hey! Next round's on me!
If you're over 21.
Oh.
Bu-bu-bu-bummer.
- That works out in my favor.
- 'Kay, just you guys, then.
More for us. More for us.
- I'm sorry.
- No, I'm sorry.
No, I'm sorry, Abs. I...
I shouldn't have said
you weren't ready.
Thanks, but you're right, I'm not.
I'm sorry I didn't tell you
the truth about the money.
Come on, you're a teenager,
and you're supposed to do stupid sh*t.
- I guess.
- And speaking of,
how far did you get with Max?
Yeah, I think he likes me.
Well, he better.
But, uh, we kinda got interrupted
before anything monumental.
You, my dear, deserve monumental.
We will find you
Acting on your best behavior
Well, I have a shitload
of paperwork to do, thanks to you.
Have fun, Abby.
Everybody wants to rule the world
So, word on the street
is you got some k*ller moves there.
I do. I'm so glad
you didn't see any of it.
Oh. I guess I'll just have
to use my imagination.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, no. No, no. How?
Like I said, I'm a follower.
- God.
- Most of freedom and of pleasure
Nothing ever lasts forever
I'm gonna kiss you, Cherry Worms.
Everybody wants to rule the world
'Kay.
There's a room
where the light won't find you
- Holding hands while--
- Ow.
Did you just pinch my leg?
Sorry, I thought it was mine.
Yeah, no, that's--
That's fine.
So glad we've almost made it
So sad they had to fade it
Everybody wants to rule the world
Then, add the, uh, uh, 3800,
plus, uh, the 6200,
and that equals $20,000.
Bye.
Bye.
You guys drive home safe, okay?
- 'Kay.
- 'Kay. Bye.
Okay, responsible.
Yeah.
Thanks for getting me my first kiss.
- Thanks for saving the club.
- Yeah.
Hey, we hooked each other up
with exactly what we desired.
Yeah.
So, in a non-sexual way,
we kind of metaphorically 69'd.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hmm.
Honestly, best 69 I've ever had.
- Really?
- No.
Real thing's actually really hot.
Or is it?
I don't know,
there's a lot of stuff in your face.
What in the hell?!
Oh, sh*t.
- I'm assuming those are your parents.
- Oh!
Who are you?!
S-- Santa Monica, ma'am.
Hey, Mrs. Flores!
Lily Rose?
Ohh!
Oh, dear God.
You just puked.
What have you done, Abigail?
What do you have
to say for yourself?!
I made a friend.
I look out on horizons
Always outward from the beach
And you bury me
in mounds of sand
Well does the moon
rise in the East
So, take it quiet
and take it quick
Or just hide
amongst the sheets
You make me nervous,
I must admit
That emotion is just
beyond our reach
I visit the seaside
I'm standing on the beach
The beach, the beach, the beach
I'm coasting
in the shallows
I sing
when things get deep
So, take it quiet
and take it quick
Or just hide
amongst the sheets
You make me nervous,
I must admit
That emotion is just
beyond our reach
Undertow
Pulls me down
and drags me deeper
I don't know
Is drownin' hard
or is it peaceful?
So, take it quiet
and take it quick
Or just hide
amongst the sheets
You make me nervous,
I must admit
That emotion is just
beyond our reach
No, I can't stand it,
I can't stand it
Just hide amongst
the sheets
You make me nervous,
I must admit
That I'll never really know why
I had to move so slow
you're out of reach
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Summer of 69 (2025)
Moderators: Maskath3, GabrielAlejo2341, sidolanters, Maskath3, sidolanters, GabrielAlejo2341