(ominous music)
..
- [Dragon] No thanks.
I don't smoke.
- [Dragon]
He doesn't smoke.
..
- A dragon who doesn't smoke.
- Must be a joke.
- [Dragons] Come on, come on, come on-
- Get the hang, you're one of the g*ng!
- [Dragons] Come on, come on, come on, come on!
(upbeat music)
- Breaking news, after last week's meteor shower,
scientists and government
officials have confirmed
water contamination in Front Wood River
starting from as far as Black Owl County
and moving all the way into Swashersville.
It is advised at this time
not to use or drink any of the fresh water sources
in this area.
- The CDC and FEMA are working frantically
on a resolution.
In other news, there's been a record number
of homicides in the last week.
As if that wasn't bad enough,
autopsies have shown that each of the bodies
has had their lungs removed.
No suspects have been identified yet in this case.
- Do you think we have a serial k*ller on our hands?
- I sure hope not.
(upbeat rock music)
(lighter clicks)
(smoker inhaling and exhaling)
(upbeat music continues)
I'm seeing green
Are you selling green
'Cause I'm really steamed
I lost my weed, I lost my weed
I need some weed, I need some weed
I need some weed
'Cause I need weed
Yeah
Like marijuana, reefer, ganja, hippie lettuce
Marijuana, blow, puff, draw, weed, bang
Dagga, Mary Jane
Something with no seeds
Marijuana Wacky Backy
T-T-T-H-C
Pot, chronic, sensemilla Bush
Salted lambs bread
Reefer green leaf
Sweet leaf, bud
Kif, toke, Rope
Hemp hop, smoke, green, collie doobage
That's Soapbar poobah
granddaddy purple
Marijuana, marijuana (bag rustling)
- Thank you. Uh, how much do I owe ya?
- It's 250.
- Oh gosh.
- You gotta hurry up, man.
- It's all there. I checked it.
- [Dealer] It better be.
- Thanks. Thanks, man. - Yeah, yeah.
(upbeat music continues)
- I thought there'd be more.
Hope he likes that counterfeit.
(tires screeching) Oh my God.
(singer screaming)
Cannabis seed, cannabis seed, cannabis seed
(tires screeching)
No, cannabis seed, cannabis seed
Cannabis dream, cannabis dream
Cannabis dream, cannabis dream
Cannabis dream, cannabis dream
(door clicks)
(door thuds)
(upbeat music continues)
(smoker inhaling)
(smoker exhaling)
(shoe grinding)
(door clicks)
(box thuds)
(door thuds)
(air whooshing) (birds chirping)
(soft music)
(item thudding)
(box thuds)
(door creaking)
- Bro, you throw everybody's package like that?
- Do you sit at your door all day
waiting for packages like a weirdo?
- [Resident] Yeah, I do.
- Sorry, man. Won't happen again.
- [Brian] Let's hope it don't, delivery boy.
- The f*ck you say?
"Delivery boy" f*cking really?
(tense music)
(door creaks and thuds)
- Man, hell no. Pft.
Nah, f*ck you.
You better not pinch my sh*t neither. Psh.
Man, I almost had the whoop dude out there.
- Yep.
- Don't lemme catch you out, tough guy!
- Who is that?
- Look.
Man. Why do you still smoke that Reggie sh*t, bro?
Where, where do you even get Reggie anymore?
- Listen, man, lemme tell you about Reggie.
When I had nobody, I had Reggie.
(soft music)
When I graduated high school, hmm, I had Reggie.
When I had my first kid even, (chuckles)
I had Reggie.
- Bro, you ain't even got no kids.
- Huh. But I got Reggie.
(both chuckle)
(doorbell ringing)
Who is that?
- Oh, it's just Donovan.
(door clicks)
Hey.
(dramatic music)
Damn!
What the f*ck happened to your eye, man?
- Man, you should see the other guy.
- Right.
Come on, man.
(door clicks)
I'm guessing you want the usual.
- [Donovan] Yeah. Yeah.
- You gonna love this.
This that green Grinch, orange pumpkin,
yellow sun.
You don't even know what
color you going to get in the bud.
This that hoo hoo, hee hee.
That
Donny, are you okay
Are you okay, are you okay, Donny
Boy, you ain't gonna get up after this one.
Here you go. - Thank you, bro.
(door creaks and thuds)
- Hey man,
you think his girl be beating his a*s?
- Ha. Yeah.
- You think we should do something?
Nah. - Nah
- Bro, after this box, man, I think I'm done selling weed.
I'm just gonna pay this chick her child support
so she'll leave me alone.
She keeps threatening me
with jail every f*cking day.
- True. - Look, look, look,
bro, right now.
- Damn.
- She can't spell "you're" right.
- Think she actually gonna throw you in jail?
- (chuckles) Do bears sh*t on white rabbits?
- Oh.
- Something's telling me this kid ain't even mine, man.
But what can you do though?
It's, it's a woman's state.
They're gonna put me in jail anyway. (chuckles)
- Hey, you can always fake your own death.
- Bro, shut the f*ck up.
Come make this play with me, man.
- Oooo.
I'ma pretty busy.
I got the got, the, got plans.
- I'll tell you what, if you come with me,
we'll stop at Doggylicious and I'll buy you a hot dog.
- Doggylicious?
- Yes.
- All right. You got me.
- Nice.
- [Kerry] Come on, man.
Bro, Doggylicious bro.
Bro, Doggylicious.
- We're going, man. - Come on, man.
(car whirring)
(friend sniffing)
Ugh. What's that smell?
(driver sniffing)
- Oh my bad, bro. I've, I've been eating bad as f*ck lately.
My weight been fluctuating and everything.
- Something's off about that.
- Yeah, bro. Gut health is important.
- Not that, dude.
- Oh, you mean this gas? (laughing)
- Yeah. That smells unnatural.
- Yeah. Spoken like a true Reggie smoker.
- Doggylicious.
Bro. Bro, bro, bro.
Bro.
- Don't worry.
Play first then we'll get your glizzy.
- My what?
- Your glizz dog 3000.
- What the hell is that?
- This is what all the kids are calling it on TokTik.
- Bro, stay the f*ck off of TokTik.
- Bro, you really gotta get with the program.
Everyone knows that TokTik
is the fastest way to blow up.
- Blow up.
What do you do that requires you to have to blow up?
You're a weed dealer.
Shouldn't you be like, like discreet?
- First of all, I already told you,
after this box, I'm done.
Besides, what I want to do is none of your business.
- Ah.
So there is something.
Come on, bud.
You could tell me. I won't laugh.
- I want to cook.
- You wanna read a book?
- I want to cook.
- You wanna cuddle? Come on.
- Bro. I wanna cook.
I want mix flavors. I want to create.
I could be like the next f*cking Chef Ramsey.
(friend snorting)
- You, you can't cook.
Bro, I've lived with you for a year and a half
and making slams doesn't count,
as delicious as they might be.
- I'll show you, bro.
(Donovan sniffing)
- Damn.
(lighter clicking)
- I know I don't smell no damn weed in this house.
Thought you was supposed to be getting
that job at the factory, huh?
How are you supposed to get a job sitting here
smoking that weed all the time?
Lazy f*cking stoner.
(stomach rumbling)
Come on, man. I didn't even hit you that hard.
- I don't feel good.
(ominous music)
- I'm talking to you.
Where do you think you're going?
I know you didn't just put your hands on me.
I'm calling all my brothers!
(stomach rumbling continues)
(ominous music continues)
(water running)
quit leaving the water running.
You can't even pay the water bill.
Spend all your money on weed.
Should beat your a*s again
but your little b*tch a*s scream annoys me too bad.
Why don't you do the dishes while you're down there?
Bet you won't.
You just smoke, smoke, smoke
(stomach grumbling) (indistinct)
(Donovan growling)
(woman screaming)
(birds chirping)
- [Kerry] Bro.
A haunted house?
This is sketch.
- It's not even what you think, bro.
These cosplayers come here
and play their little games
after hours when the haunt's not in season.
Lemme tell you something.
Cosplayers are the biggest f*cking stoners
on the planet, bro.
I make a k*lling here.
- I hate haunted houses.
(engine rumbling) (crow cawing)
- Dude, the wizard can't cast a shrinking spell
on the Urk King.
It's protected by the all fire.
- They're actually called plain walkers.
And you can, if you're vengeance.
- Shut up, Randy.
- Yeah, shut up Randy.
- Hey! - Hey!
- What up? This is B-F-F-E-U-H-F-M-W-O-S.
- What's that?
- My best friend forever
unless he f*ck my wife or something.
- Oh. - Duh.
- Kerry, this is Bat Them. It's non-binary.
Spider it. And then we got OB2 Kenobi.
- Hey, hey. Hands off the merchandise.
If my other one comes up missing in the other room,
I'm gonna know it's you, Brian.
- This is Geraldo. (Kerry laughing)
Uh, we got Larry Potter and Ryu from Street Fighter.
Dude, I f*cking love your karate costume.
- It's Juujitsu. It's not a costume.
I just got back from practice.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Dude, you can call 'em by their real names.
No one's gonna sue you or anything.
- Just in case.
Here you go, bro.
- Thank you, sir. I will pay you tomorrow.
- Swear to me. - Come on, man.
(Brian laughing)
- My bad, my bad.
- Hey, Geraldo. Do you partake any?
- No, man, I'm good. I don't smoke.
- You want to smoke the weed.
- Who the f*ck don't smoke?
Come on, bro. Glizzy time.
- What the f*ck?
(insects chirping) (bottle squirting)
- You're gonna enjoy this wiener.
(change rattling)
Hey, hey, hey.
Don't do dishes. Go to Doggylicious.
- oh. (indistinct)
what a f*cking weirdo, man.
Hello, my name is Kerry,
but you may know me as Sir Glizzy 3000
of the round glizzard table.
- Bro.
Get the f*ck off of TokTik.
- I smell a seed.
- Aw nah, man.
That's probably just this brick of Reggie.
- Bro, where do you even get that sh*t at?
I know I always ask you, but I'm just so curious.
Where do you get that sh*t at?
(Kerry laughing)
- I have my ways.
- Look man, you see this guy over there
eating out of the trashcan?
You see this guy over there eating out the trashcan?
- Yeah.
- That's gonna be you if you keep smoking Reggie.
- Wait though, isn't that Donovan?
- Why is Donovan eating hot yeetos out of the trash can?
- Dude, you can say the name of the chips.
- Come on.
Hey bro, this might not be the best business strategy,
but maybe you shouldn't spend all your money on weed
if you gonna be eating food out the trash.
- [Kerry] What the f*ck! Ah.
Damn it. - Kerry,
get the f*ck up, you f*ck!
(zombie growling)
- What, what's wrong with you, man?
Why you so close?
Get off em!
- [Brian] Donovan, you ain't allowed in my house no more!
(zombie growling)
Bro, let's go.
- Can't man, that weed cost me $40.
- I will give you some weed.
- [Kerry] Looks like he's clearing up.
- I will f*cking leave you.
- You wouldn't. - I will.
(ominous music)
Come on, man.
(Kerry panting)
(door thuds) (tone beeping)
Bro. What the f*ck was that?
- I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know, man.
- You okay?
- No! He took my weed.
- He seemed to have hated
it just like everybody else too.
- You don't understand, man.
I really hated leaving Donovan like that.
Hope he's okay.
(ominous music)
What the?
(leaves crunching)
The hell?
(man yelling)
(suspenseful music)
(man groaning)
- Yeah. I'm sure he's fine.
- Man, I just don't f*cking get it.
Was there.
(indistinct)
He doesn't understand it.
(indistinct)
I can't understand.
Wait.
(suspenseful music) (heart thumping)
No!
No!
- Bro, what the f*ck?
- Dude.
- What?
- Dude.
- What?
- It's the weed.
- What's the weed?
- Donovan!
Give me this.
- You're gonna have to pay for that.
(lighter clicking)
- [Kerry] Gimme that too.
- What's his problem today? Man.
Oh my God. Not right now.
(phone buzzing)
What, Jasmine?
I'm gonna get you your money.
Yes, you're in the movie. You're a huge plot point.
You're the whole f*cking reason
I gotta get money in the first place.
What is he f*cking doing back there?
No, I couldn't think of anything else.
Okay, Jasmine, I'll get you your money, man.
Leave me a alone.
- There's definitely something wrong with this.
- How so?
- Well, a starter contains Myclobutanil, Emamectin
abamenctin, atoxil, and spiramycin.
And it's auto flower.
- [Brian] I don't know what any of that means.
- Yet it's your in f*cking weed.
Probably a bunch of other weed.
Do you even know your source?
(hands thud)
It was your weed that turned Donovan into a zombie.
- Bro, that is the craziest sh*t
I've ever heard in my life.
- You know how to find out.
And that's why I can't legally own a parakeet
in Indiana anymore.
Well, at least till 2026.
(upbeat music) (car whooshing)
- [Kerry] Ah.
Big, big, big round white booty, yo
Big round white booty
- You're going to jail.
- Mm. What, man?
- Don't what me.
You know why I'm here.
I want my f*cking money or you're going to jail.
- Look man, I got you.
Let me make these couple plays
and Batman's gonna gimme some money later.
(Kerry snorting)
- You trying to be f*cking funny?
(Brian sighing)
What you got on you right now?
- Not enough, man. Damn.
Where's my kid at anyway?
You leave him in this hot car?
Can I see him?
- [Jasmine] No. You can't see him, not till I get my money.
And don't forget, if I don't give my money,
you're going to jail.
Big, big, big round white booty, yo
Big round white booty
Oh my
Big round white booty
Big round white booty
She got a big round white booty
(door thuds and engine cranks)
(engine roaring)
- When's the last time you even seen your kid anyway, man?
- Never.
Never, not one time have I seen this kid.
It's like I don't even know if it's real sometimes.
I, I feel like she just got fat
and was like, "I'm pregnant."
(birds chirping)
- Then why you still gonna give her money then?
- Bro, has the Reggie fried your brain?
I don't want to go to jail. Duh!
It's like you don't f*ck listen, or something
- I don't wanna go to jail..
(engine roaring)
Wait.
- Aw, you think there's gonna
be zombies in there. (laughing)
(Brian growling)
(Kerry sighing)
All right, bro, you ready to be wrong again?
(zombies munching and growling)
See, bro, told you wasn't nothing wrong with 'em.
Always tripping, man.
- I don't know, man. Look kind of fishy.
I would check again.
(zombies growling)
(dramatic music)
- Dude, you might be right for once in your f*cking life.
What the f*ck, dude?
(Kerry farting)
Bro, did you just f*cking fart?
Ugh. It smells like mustard.
- I love mustard.
(dramatic music)
(zombies growling)
- He heard you, he heard you. Come on.
(keys thud)
(dramatic music)
Bro.
I dropped my f*cking keys back here
but the jiujitsu zombie's coming.
I gotta go get 'em.
- Dude.
Trust me, you do not wanna fight a jiujitsu zombie.
- Bro, he's a zombie.
It's not like he's gonna remember jiujitsu.
I'll be right back. I can outrun him.
Trust me.
(hand thuds)
(Kerry grunting)
He remembers! He f*cking remembers!
(zombie growling)
- [Kerry] sh*t.
(dramatic music)
sh*t.
sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.
Uh, uh. I don't know.
Other way.
Ah. Find something.
(arm scratching)
(item thuds)
(hand slaps)
(dramatic music continues)
(zombie growling)
(door creaking)
(suspenseful music)
(extinguisher hissing) (zombie groaning)
- What the f*ck? What the f*ck?
What the f*ck? What the f*ck?
- Well, there goes our rating.
- What?
- I tried to tell you something
about that weed was unnatural.
- What the f*ck am I gonna do?
I spent all my money on that weed.
- I don't know.
But we gotta do something to help those guys too.
- Them dudes is already gone.
- We gotta do something.
(birds chirping)
- Sitting here ain't going to do nothing. Come on, man.
(soft music)
(door creaks and clicks)
Man. What the f*ck am I gonna do?
- Yeah, man.
How we gonna save those
people you turned into zombies?
- Man, I don't give a about them people.
I gotta find a way to make
some money so I don't go to jail.
(bong bubbling)
- Is that all you care about?
You literally turned these people into zombies.
You're not gonna do anything about it?
- No, I'm not.
(lighter clicking)
(bong bubbling)
- You know, (exhaling)
I didn't wanna resort to this,
but you're forcing my hand.
- Hey bro, you think I'll make any money on Only Heaters?
- So what we have in our hands are marijuambies.
(soft music)
What are marijuambies you ask?
- N-no, I didn't.
(paper rustling)
- Marijuana plus zombies equals marijuambies.
Now what do zombies do?
They eat.
In most cases, it's brains.
But in our case, it's lungs.
- Did, did you just make this?
- What do zombies don't do?
(paper rustling)
They don't use toilets.
Yeah.
So if they're not using
toilets and eating all the time,
that means they're always sh1tting themselves over
and over (paper rustling)
and over again until the sh*t explodes!
(expl*si*n booming)
Covering the whole earth, creating a sh*t smog
that expands throughout the atmosphere,
blocking all sunlight and
ending all life as we know it.
So,
what do you say,
bud?
- Well, when you put it that way,
no!
None of them people were ever there for me.
Look, when I had nobody, I had nobody.
When I didn't graduate high school,
I had nobody.
When I had my first kid even.
The b*tch wants to throw me in f*cking jail
for child support.
- You're the one that sold 'em the weed
in the first place.
- Bro, I ain't know it was gonna
turn 'em into marijuambies.
That sh*t is outta my control.
- There is gonna be sh*t everywhere
and it's gonna be on you.
- [Brian] Ain't nobody sh1tting on me.
- [Kerry] Fine. I'll do it myself.
- Okay, Thanos. Lemme know how that goes for you.
- Thanos?
- Yeah, you know, from the MCU.
At the end of "Age of Ultron",
Thanos came in and was like, "Fine, I'll do it myself."
Which made no f*cking sense to the story
'cause Tony Stark and Bruce Banner
were the ones that made Ultron,
and Thanos had nothing to f*cking do with it.
- The MCU is dying. Let it go.
(soft music)
(door thuds)
Gosh, man.
(birds chirping)
(Kerry whistling)
(door clicks)
Ah, f*ck. Forgot to clean out my car again.
(bag rustling)
(lid clicks)
(papers rustling)
(foil rustling)
(switch clicking)
(leaf blower rustling)
(gold club whooshing)
(animal screeching)
(metal clanking)
(door thuds)
(engine whirring)
- [Gary] Welcome to another segment of "sh*t Happened."
I'm your host Gary Dumpler.
Have you wanted to leave your
friend to fight zombies alone-
(engine whirring)
- What do zombies don't do?
They don't use toilets.
So if they're not using toilets
and eating all the time,
that means they're always sh1tting themselves
over and over again
until the sh*t explodes!
(air whooshing)
(birds chirping)
(car roaring)
(engine cranking)
(engine whirring)
(dramatic music)
Come.
Feed on my flesh you stoner zombie f*ck!
(shirt tearing)
(air whooshing)
uhhh.
- Bro, what the f*ck are you doing?
- Dude, I'm the cure.
- The what?
- The cure.
Remember when Donovan got on top of me,
he was trying to eat at me
and then he was healing up instantly?
- You mean when he got your bunk a*s weed?
- [Both] Reggie's the cure.
- You gotta be f*cking kidding me. (chuckles)
I guess you finally get to show me
where you get this sh*t, huh?
- I do indeed. - You're loving this.
- Yeah. (laughing)
(birds chirping)
(feet crunching)
So what made you come back anyways?
- I didn't want you to fight alone. Duh.
- It was the poop, wasn't it? (laughing)
(insect buzzing)
- Man, how did I know you was gonna have me
in some weird a*s place like this?
What we gonna do anyway?
Go to the middle of the f*cking woods, do a seance,
and some magical guy with dirty feet
brings us some grade F f*cking brick weed
we can build a skyscraper with?
- You've been here before?
- Say you lying.
(Kerry laughing)
Say you lying, bro.
Bro.
(birds chirping)
- This is it.
This is the place.
Grab a seat over there.
Let me handle this.
(crow cawing)
(upbeat music)
(insect buzzing)
(zipper whirring)
Seems like everywhere
(spray hissing)
(insects buzzing)
it don't slow down, no
Time's ticking and it won't slow down for no man
Time's ticking and it won't slow down, no
(insects buzzing) (swatter whooshing)
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
Where it go, I don't know now
Can't stop, I won't slow down
(lighter clicking)
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
- [Kerry] This lighter's not working.
Somebody, somebody grab a lighter,
grab another lighter.
Hurry. Hurry - Lighter.
(upbeat music)
Can't stop, I won't slow down
Ain't trying to get stuck in this ghost town
- [Kerry] Yep. That should do it.
(soft music) (birds chirping)
- You have got to be f*cking kidding me.
Is that a middle finger?
(air whooshing)
(soft music)
- Hey man, I wouldn't lay there if I was you.
There were some homeless
people having sex there earlier
and it was messy.
One guy was even using a cane.
- [Brian] Oh man. Spare me the details.
- Kerry.
You here for another half pound?
90 bucks.
- Might need a little more this time.
- You're just in luck.
I just harvested a new strand
and it barely smells like cat piss.
- You, you gotta be kidding me.
- What are you making some butter?
Why so much more?
- Uh, zombies actually, we're fighting zombies.
Reggie's the cure.
- Zombies?
- [Kerry] Yeah, Brian got some weed from this, uh,
big a*s weed corporation
and everyone who smokes it turns into zombies.
- You, uh, have some of this with you?
- Yeah, I got some.
(ominous music) (bag rustling)
- [Grand Master] This is bad.
- Ay, you gonna pay for that?
Well, I'm gonna go to jail
if I don't get some money for that.
I thought you was gonna ask him for help.
- I never seen him act like that.
It's like he scared of something.
(Brian scoffing)
(door clicking)
- [Brian] Hello?
- [Machine] This is a prepaid correct call from...
- Donovan.
- [Machine] To accept charges, press one.
(phone beeps)
- What's up, Donovan?
- [Donovan] I'm in jail and I don't know how I got here.
- Hey man, gimme a threeway. - Ain't giving you nothing.
- [Prisoner] If you don't gimme that g*dd*mn threeway-
- [Donovan] Get the f*ck off.
Hey, get off me, man. (phone beeps)
- So Donovan, how is he?
Is he okay?
- He's cool.
Look man, I've been thinking if we're gonna fight
some zombies, I think we need a team.
Who we gonna call, the Ghostbusters or something?
- Nah, no, couldn't be Ghostbusters.
They only deal with ghosts, not zombies.
- The point is we ain't got nobody to call.
- [Kerry] I got some friends.
- Who?
(doorbell ringing)
The timing is incredible.
(door clicking)
- Like Steve.
Hey Steve, wanna help us fight some zombies?
- Sure, man.
- Uh.
Kerry's gonna have to call you back.
We, we got a couple things we gotta discuss.
- I don't even know why I'm here, man.
(door thuds)
- Bro, Steve could've helped us.
- Steve needs to help himself to a self-care routine.
(Kerry laughing)
- [Kerry] Well.
- Your suggestion was somebody like Steve.
- Oh, and yours is a lot better?
- Bro, I'd have to be one desperate mother f*ck
to fight zombies with that dude.
- Anyways, we need some supplies
so I can make these weed weapons.
- Weed weapons. We're going to f*cking die.
Just hurry up so we can go, man.
- [Kerry] Yep.
- Bro.
(doors thud)
I cannot believe we have to deal with zombies.
I feel like we're in like a B-rated zombie movie.
I don't even like zombies.
(Kerry laughing)
- Say zombies again.
- Shut up.
- No, but for real, zombie movies are top tier gold.
One time I seen this zombie movie,
it was called "Zombie Strippers."
- Oh-h*.
- Guess it was about?
Zombie strippers.
- Well, no sh*t. - Yeah, sh*t.
Yeah, they were twerking everything. Cool as sh*t.
That's what this movie needs, zombie strippers.
(body thuds)
(gear clicks)
- Bro, you know we can't afford that sh*t.
- [Kerry] True.
(suspenseful music) (engine whirring)
- [Brian] Hey bro, ain't that that van
that delivered the poison weed to me today?
- Man, it is.
We should go talk to him. I bet he's got some answers.
- I don't necessarily think we need to go talk to him.
- Well, why's your voice cracking?
- It's not. (Kerry laughing)
- Man, pull over here. I'll go talk to him.
I bet he is a cool guy delivering weed all day.
- You gonna go talk to him, not me.
(engine whirring)
(suspenseful music)
(door clicks)
- Huh.
Bro, there ain't nothing in here.
(ominous music)
(zombie growling)
(Kerry grunting)
Brian! (grunting)
Brian help!
There's a, ah, there's a piece of Reggie joint
in the ashtray!
Grab it.
You can cure him!
(zombie growling)
(Kerry screaming)
(zombie growling) (Kerry grunting)
Help!
Hey! (grunting)
(zombie screeching)
(Brian grunting)
- f*ck. Brian.
Brian!
(solemn music)
Buddy.
Bud. (sobbing)
No.
No!
- Bro, shut the f*ck up, bro.
- Nice.
You're cool.
Hey, looks like he's clearing up.
You want me to talk to him?
- Let's, let's tie him up before he wakes up.
- [Kerry] You don't wanna talk to him while he's awake?
- Bro, let's just f*cking tie him up
and then we'll talk to him, okay?
I just want him tied up.
- [Kerry] Tie him up?
- You asking too many questions.
Take the van. I'll take the car.
We'll meet back at the house. Okay?
- [Kerry] (sighing) Fine.
All right.
(hands slapping)
- [Both] Break.
(ominous music)
- Is he secure?
- Three days, Boy Scouts. He's secure.
- You've got some explaining to do,
you maggot filthy piece of East 10th Street sh*t.
(hand slaps)
(man gasping)
- What the the f*ck? (indistinct)
What the f*ck?
Why am I, why am I tied up?
Ow did someone f*cking smack me?
- I did.
- You? (grunting)
(suspenseful music)
- Let's get to the point.
Why did you poison my weed?
(hand slaps)
Why did you turn them people into zombies?
(hand slaps)
And most importantly, (hand slaps)
why did you pinch my sh*t?
(hand slaps)
(man grunting and coughing)
- Sorry about my friend here.
He could be a little hotheaded.
Now just tell us why you poisoned the weed
and we'll get you outta here.
- Why poison the weed?
I smoked the weed.
Why the f*ck would I poison myself?
- [Brian] So you did pinch my my sh*t?
- No, no, no! - Oh!
Oh.
Wait. So who did poison the weed?
- I dunno, man.
I've just been doing this for a couple f*cking weeks.
I go to the cornfield, the middle of f*cking nowhere,
pick some boxes up, drop some
boxes off, no questions asked.
- Can you take us there?
- Can you untie me?
(suspenseful music continues)
- We can't untie him.
He's gonna know where we live.
- Good point.
Look, we can't untie you.
Uh, we also have to blindfold you
until we get to where we're going
so you don't know where we're at.
- I know where you're at.
I've delivered the packages here.
- Don't worry about it. Grab a blindfold.
- Wait, I thought you had a blindfold.
- Uh.
I'm sure we could make one.
- You gotta be f*cking kidding me.
You know I'm gonna k*ll you, right?
- Yeah, we'll see.
- Hey, where'd you get them panties at?
(Brian laughing)
- Remember Big Hurricane Katrina?
(Kerry snorting)
(Brian laughing)
- I can't believe these f*cking things are on my head.
Take this sh*t off my head!
(Brian laughing)
(Kerry groaning)
- There you go. Gosh.
- Sorry, bro. We only do what we gotta do.
We couldn't let you know where we was. You know?
- I know where you guys were at.
You guys were at the drive through ordering food,
I could hear it.
- But you don't know where from though.
- Yeah 'cause they make Big Macs everywhere.
- Hey, you shut your f*cking mouth
before you get us copy written.
- Yeah.
- Just tell us where to go, man.
- Well, since you just took the panties off my head
and I didn't know where I'm at, (sighing)
we need to go back to the Donald Mac
back on 10th Street,
the one I didn't know where you guys were at.
Just make a left up here and I'll show you where to go
so I can get the f*ck outta here!
Stupid stoners.
Stupid. Stupid.
(bird cawing) (wind whooshing)
- There's nothing here.
- I knew he couldn't trust that mother f*ck.
(man grunting)
- Mother f*ck.
You want to kid nap my f*ck a*s
How you like getting slapped now?
You stupid little b*tch! (Brian groaning)
Hey my...
Aw f*ck my f*cking finger!
You sick, b*tch!
f*ck!
My f*cking!
(ominous music)
(Brian spitting)
(Brian sniffing)
- It smells more like Reggie out here than anything.
- Yeah, it does.
- Okay, we're doing this.
- Look.
Reggie seeds.
But there's something off about 'em.
- Well, it's Reggie, so.
- It's like they've been scattered here and not planted.
- What do you think that means?
- I don't know, but it smells like (sniffing)
(ominous music)
marijuambies.
- Lemme tell you something.
There ain't gonna be a god damn lick of no Reggie
in the weed I got.
- Oh, I think there is.
(Brian sighing)
It can't be him.
- No.
(ominous music continues)
Bro, you really think he has something to do with this?
- How else could a Reggie and kush farm coexist?
Only one person can make that much Reggie.
Look, in the meantime, you need to do the right thing
and you can throw the rest of that weed out.
(Brian scoffing)
- Bro, if I throw the weed out,
I'm not gonna make any money
and I'm gonna go to f*cking jail.
- Dude, it's already made zombies.
People have f*cking died.
Put it on our friendship,
you'll throw it out.
- Bro, that's low.
- Do it, bro.
(Brian scoffing)
(traffic whirring) (birds chirping)
- Man, you don't think we're overreacting, do you?
- Bro, you put it on our friendship.
- Yeah, I try to remember our friendship
when me and Bubba have our
wedding and we need a best man.
- You'd let me be a best man at your wedding?
- Look, Reggie in a flavored Swisher!
- Oh! Bro, come on, man.
Just do it.
(box thuds)
- There.
There goes my freedom.
- You did a good thing.
- we'll see.
- Hey, come on, bro. - Damn.
(feet crunching) (ominous music)
(upbeat music) (voice distorting)
(birds chirping)
- Why'd you do it?
- Yeah. What the f*ck?
(soft music)
- It's not that easy, Kerry.
- You meant everything to me.
- I was flourishing, man.
Rich, beyond measure.
Nobody cared about a few seeds and stems.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sometimes you're reach in the bag,
you may prick your finger.
Other times you'll leave a seed in the joint.
Pop!
Stinks up a whole room. But who cares, man?
One time I fit 20 pounds
in one fanny pack, yeah.
Then people started playing God.
They're putting chemicals in our weed, brother.
It became fluffier,
smelled better.
The THC content, it was off the charts.
And right before my very eyes,
I became a nobody.
Even crack heads would smoke Reggie
to come down off a binge.
And that's when it hit me.
If there was no more kush,
people would be forced to smoke Reggie again,
placing me back
in my rightful spot as the gateway drug.
- Ah.
All right, man, that's a sad story and all
but that doesn't explain how
people are becoming marijuambies.
- [Grand Master] Y-you interrupted me
before I could even finish.
- Well then finish.
- Yeah. Grand Master Reggie, finish.
- [Grand Master] Cordyceps.
- Percocets?
- [Grand Master] No, no, no, no, no. Cordyceps.
- The is a cordycep?
- Wait, like, like the ant fungus?
- No.
- I was desperate, man.
Ignorant to the effects.
I just thought it would k*ll the plants.
I had no idea it would infect humans too.
- I don't even think I can look at you right now.
- This the guy you rave about all the time?
Hey, look, man, since it was clearly you
that turned these people into zombies
and not me, by the way,
you should redeem yourself.
Come help us.
- Yeah, you're right.
You gotta come help us stop what you created.
Come on.
- I can't, Kerry.
- I don't think he's coming, man.
- Look, what's happening is terrible but...
- But what?
- But it still benefits him.
The plants are still contaminated
and people will still have no choice
but to smoke buck a*s Reggie.
- Tell me that's not why.
- I'm sorry, Kerry.
(air whooshing)
- Come on, man. We gotta go.
(soft music)
(door thuds)
(Brian sighing)
(Brian inhaling and exhaling)
(Brian inhaling and exhaling)
Hey, bro.
I've been thinking, what the f*ck is a weed weapon?
We're gonna make some weed weapons.
We're gonna f*cking die. (inhaling and exhaling)
Bro, will you hurry the f*ck up
before I change my mother f*cking mind?
What are you doing?
Man, you always doing
something weird in that bedroom.
(soft music)
- Let's blow some zombies.
(upbeat rock music continues)
(door bell ringing)
(door clicking)
- Steve.
- Brian. (door thuds)
Hey, kerbear. You look cool.
What are you doing?
- Saving the f*cking world.
- Ah, righteous. That's awesome. (laughing)
You gonna have a costume too?
(upbeat music)
I look right through all
these translucent beings
Observing all these thangs
As time keeps ticking, they all remain the same
A bunch of walking, talking
ghouls without any brains
I wish they wake up, wake up, retake the day
Like they wake up, shake up
sh**t it in their veins
Forever stuck in the cycle
of doing the same
The clock is running down
with no time left in the game
Oh no
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
Where it go, I don't know now
Can't stop, I won't slow down
Ain't trying to get stuck in this ghost town
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
- You know, we might not all make it outta here.
(ominous music)
Bro, where's your friend?
(Kerry sighing)
Look, I knew he wasn't gonna last long,
but this is just ridiculous.
(feet crunching)
(soft music)
(zombie growling) (Brian gasping)
(dramatic music)
Shut up, b*tch.
(zombie growling)
No. No, no, no.
f*ck off me.
(body thuds)
(ominous music)
(lighter clicking)
(dramatic music) (Brian groaning)
(zombie growling) No, no, ah.
Get off!
(zombie growling) This sh*t g*y, man!
I ain't judging, I'm just not g*y!
Get off me, man!
Kerry!
(zombie growling)
Ah, f*ck.
(leaf blower whirring)
(ominous music)
Yeah, got yo b*tch a*s.
f*ck you, zom Holland.
Dumb a*s zombie.
Hey, wait up.
Bro, ain't these electric?
I need an extension cord.
Kerry.
Kerry!
Where the f*ck are you?
(ominous music continues)
(saber whirring)
Oh-(saber zapping)
(ominous music)
(saber whirring)
(tense music)
(foot scraping)
(zombie growling)
(tense music continues)
(dramatic music)
(sabers whirring)
(saber whirring)
(saber whirring)
(dramatic music continues) (saber whirring)
(sabers whirring)
(dramatic music continues)
(Kerry grunting)
(zombie growling)
(leaf blower thuds)
(dramatic music continues)
(joint clinks)
- Huh? (groaning)
(lighter clicking)
(lighter clicking)
Huh? (lighter clicking)
(dramatic music continues)
(zombie growling)
(dramatic music)
(sabers whirring)
(zombie growling) (sabers whirring)
(zombie growling)
(suspenseful music)
(saber whirring)
(dramatic music)
(zombie growling)
(body thuds)
(upbeat rock music)
(tense music) (saber whirring)
(zombie farting)
(suspenseful music)
(Brain screaming)
- Did you just f*cking sh*t on me!
(saber buzzing)
(upbeat music) (zombie groaning)
out without a trace
Gone by the morning
You never
Know that they were there
knowing and ghosts is all that's left
On this desolate planet
Let's go
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
Where it go, I don't know now
Can't stop, I won't slow down
Ain't trying to get stuck in this ghost town
- Kerry!
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
- Kerry!
Pretty sure I got the force, bro.
Just whooped a Jedi.
Kind of badass actually.
Kerry!
What the f*ck, man? Kerry!
- Bro! - Please don't sh*t on me.
Bro, don't ever f*cking leave me like that again, man.
- Why? You got no problem leaving everybody else.
(Kerry sighing)
Come on, man.
- "You have no problem leaving everybody else."
Rambo Malone looking mother f*ck.
(feet thudding)
(zombies growling)
- Let's get 'em.
- Man, we can't just go in there without a plan.
He literally knows Juujitsu.
- I'll take care of him.
- Then I got Batman and this is personal.
Out without a trace
Gone by the morning
You never
(Brain groaning)
- Ah, this is for casting Robert Patterson!
That movie sucked!
Yeah, yeah!
Yeah, how the f*ck y'all like it?
Oh, sh*t!
Damn, how the f*ck y'all keep doing this? Ugh!
Get the f*ck off me!
sh*t!
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
Where it go, I don't know now
Can't stop, I won't slow down
Ain't trying to get stuck in this ghost town
All those ghosts that stand in my path
I
- Bring it on! Yeah. Mother f*ck!
(zombie grunting)
Come on, mother f*ck!
(zombie grunting)
What the f*ck is the point of even having these?
Yeah, bring it on then, mother f*ck!
You merely adapted to the dark.
I was born in it.
Molded by it.
(zombie groaning)
Oh, you don't like that?
Huh? Are you the zombie we need?
But not the zombie we deserve?
Yeah. Come on.
Come on.
(zombie groaning)
(Kerry grunting)
(zombie growling)
Time keeps ticking, it don't slow down
Where it go, I don't know now
Can't stop, I won't slow down
Ain't trying to get stuck in this ghost town
(soft music) (hands thudding)
- [Grand Master] Then people started playing God.
They're putting chemicals in our weed, brother.
And right before my very eyes,
I became a nobody.
Even crack heads would smoke Reggie
to come down off a binge.
- [Brian] I don't think he's coming, man.
- [Grand Master] Look, what's happening is terrible but...
I'm sorry, Kerry.
- [Brain] Zombie's beating your a*s, Kerry.
(dramatic music)
why do you still smoke that Reggie sh*t, man?
Where, where do you even get Reggie anymore?
- [Kerry] Listen man, lemme tell you about Reggie.
When I had nobody, I had Reggie.
When I graduated high school,
I had Reggie.
When I had my first kid even. (chuckles)
I had Reggie.
- [Brian] Bro, you ain't even got no kids.
- But I got Reggie.
(dramatic music continues)
(fist thuds) (zombie growling)
- You either die a zombie
or you live long enough to get your a*s whopped, b*tch!
(Brian laughing)
Sucka, mother f*ck.
Bro, I am so f*cking glad that's done.
I was running out of Batman jokes.
- I bet.
(dramatic music)
- Hey, there you guys are, man.
Yo man, there's free bag's of weed everywhere.
I just been high as a mother f*ck, dog. (laughing)
- Buddy?
You, you feeling okay?
(suspenseful music)
- Hey, guy.
- Yeah, I'm fine, man. (coughing)
I just got a taste for lungs.
(zombie growling)
- I got this.
(dramatic music continues)
(fist thuds)
- Bro.
Bro, bro, wake up.
Wake up! Bro, you okay?
Wake the f*ck up, man!
Bro. Steve's coming, man.
Wake up.
What the f*ck? What, what the f*ck, man?
(Brian screaming)
(zombie growling) (heroic music)
(lips smacking)
- I can't take back what I did.
Man, I am better than that.
I've got to find a new way to bring Reggie back.
I'm thinking edibles, something, I don't know.
Let me take care of that.
(zombie growling) (heroic music)
(Grand Master choking)
(zombie growling)
(heroic music continues)
(lighter clicks)
(zombie growling)
(air whooshing)
(zombie growling)
(Grand Master grunting)
(nail clinks) (blood squishes)
(dramatic music)
- Come on, man. Wake up.
Look, Grand Master Reggie!
(fists thudding)
Kerry, wake up.
(zombie growling)
(zombie grunting)
- [Grand Master] Brian, come help!
- [Brian] I ain't running away this time.
(dramatic music)
Let's go, mother f*ck.
(zombie growling)
(dramatic music)
(solemn music)
- Master! What happened?
No, we can fix it. We can fix this.
- No, I can feel it.
There's no more room in this world for Reggie.
Unless you, (coughing)
unless you, there's only one person
that can fulfill the mantle of Grand Master Reggie.
- [Kerry] Who?
- With great Reggie
comes great responsibility.
(Kerry sobbing) (air whooshing)
(air whooshing) (twinkling music)
(solemn music continue)
- Bro. Check this out.
- f*cking stinks, man.
- Damn!
What happened to your eye, man?
- Oh. (engine whirring)
(Brian inhaling and exhaling)
(door thuds) (birds chirping)
(chime ringing)
- You're going to jail.
- Bro, no, stop!
Ted already did that.
- f*ck.
- [Jasmine] What are you nerds even talking about?
First of all, why does this smell like seeds over here?
- Right?
- [Jasmine] Second of all, where's my f*cking money?
- Look man, I, I just,
I just don't got it.
I don't know what to tell you.
- [Jasmine] Well, you know what that means.
You're going to jail!
- I don't even care anymore. Take me to jail.
I don't give a f*ck. But first, I'm seeing my kid.
- [Jasmine] No, no. - Whoa.
- Yes! - He's doing it.
- [Jasmine] No, just wait. Hold on.
(door clicks)
(door clicks) (mower whirring)
- Are you trying to gimme f*cking canceled?
- It's not what you think. I'm like 3%-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You can't do that.
- But my grandma is like... Whoa, whoa. No.
- But I have... Hey, look.
Stop. Turn around.
Walk away.
With the baby!
- [Jasmine] You're right.
- So no jail time, huh?
- No jail, bro.
- Hell yeah, my man.
- Don't worry, I'm leaving.
He dropped his bottle.
- Kind of sad though, bro.
I was kind of looking forward
to a little me running around, you know?
- But with her though?
- Mm.
Obviously not with her, right? Obviously
(Kerry laughing)
(upbeat music)
Sitting on the couch watching "Marijuambies"
Lost track of time, smoking
too much f*cking b*mb weed
Break it up, roll it up, smoke it up
Don't forget to plug the hole
Mary Jane, she's got me by the ba*ls
- Come on.
Bud.
(Brian scoffs)
(Brian chuckles)
- One time.
That's it.
- [Brian] Where do you even get Reggie anymore?
- [Kerry] Listen man, lemme tell you about Reggie.
When I had nobody, I had Reggie.
(Brian coughing)
I'm seeing green
Are you selling green
Because I'm really steamed
I lost my weed
I lost my weed, I need some weed
I need some weed, I need some weed
(birds chirping)
- Dude, you heard there's a couple zombies
running around dressed like Batman and a Jedi?
- No. (laughing)
What?
- Yeah. (laughing)
Apparently a couple dumb asses went to go cure 'em
and just beat 'em up and left 'em there instead.
- Sounds like a plot to a bad movie.
(man laughing)
- You said it, not me.
Hey, you caught something.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Probably just some trash though.
That's all you ever catch. (laughing)
- Allison?
Oh God. It's big like Allison. (grunting)
- [Man] Bring it in here. Bring it in here.
Oh wow.
- Oh, it's just a big old box like Allison had.
- Dude, it's a big old box full of weed.
- No way.
Oh my God. It is! (sniffing)
And it smells fire.
(man sniffing)
- Definitely don't smell like Reggie.
- Or Nick, the mechanic.
- It's kind of weird there'd be a box of weed
floating in a lake though.
- Yeah. It seems like the setup for a sequel.
(suspenseful music)
- I am smoking it anyway.
(both laughing)
(upbeat music)
'Cause I need weed
Yeah
Like marijuana, reefer, ganja, hippie lettuce
Marijuana, blow, puff, draw, weed, bang
Dagga, Mary Jane
Something with no seeds
Marijuana Wacky Backy
T-T-T-H-C
Pot, chronic, system, sensemilla Bush
Solid lambs bread
Reefer green leaf
Sweet leaf, bud
kif, toke, Rope
Hemp hop, smoke, green, collie doobage
Soapbar poobah
Or granddaddy purple
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, "Marijuambies"
The movie
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, marijuana
Marijuana, "Marijuambies"
Marijuana, "Marijuambies"
Cannabis read
Cannabis write
Cannabis choke
Cannabis toke
Cannabis see
Cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
Oh, cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
Cannabis dream
(upbeat music continues)
(upbeat music continues)
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Marijuambies (2025)
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