04x08 - Witch of the Week

[bunniefuu]

Excuse me.

I'm about to have a really tense lunch.

Would you mind clearing the knives?

I just don't want any
potential weapons at the table.

I know that's nuts, but...

Oh, there she is.

Hello, hello.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Great to see you. [CLEARS THROAT]

You look great. Is that a new updo?

Same as yesterday.

Well, it looks super fresh.

I like it.

What's going on?

I did invite someone else,

and I don't want you to be perturbed.

Well, now I am perturbed. Who is it?

Well, it's kind of an intervention.

Oh, God, is it Cybill Shepherd?

It was just one tooth.

It blends right in with her veneers.

No.

Hi. Sorry, I couldn't find a spot.

I had to park illegally
at the Museum of Tolerance.

But if they have me towed,

that is the height of hypocrisy.

What's going on?

OK, I know this is gonna be awkward,

hard, sad, and weird,

but I figured we gotta just do it.

We gotta squash the beef.

Let's start with a rose and a thorn.

I'll go first.

My rose is, I've finally chosen
a color for my guest bedroom.

It's Farrow & Ball Hague
Blue. You might know it.

And my thorn is that you can
get ringworm from a dog bite,

and I got it.

- Ava?
- Rose and thorn.

That'd be good for a desk bit, right?

Oh, yeah.

We could call it an upper and a downer.

[CHUCKLES]

Maybe Pfizer would sponsor us.

So funny.

I'm gonna tell the writers
about it, get 'em started.

Do you want to split the potatoes?

They look really good.

Is that your way of trying to get me

to say yes so you can eat all of them?

- Yep.
- OK.

I'm sorry. Wait a minute.

[SCOFFS] Did you guys make up?

Oh, yeah.

We made up a while ago.

Did... did we not tell you?

No.

- Well, sorry.
- Sorry. Our bad.

So I guess we didn't
tell you about the beach.

- Oh, my God.
- The beach?

No, what happened at the beach?

- The ocean... Never mind.
- It's like...

- It's a long story.
- Yeah, no, it's completely...

- OK.
- Don't worry about it.

We're good, though.
Yeah, we're... we're good.

Are we splitting? What's the vibe?

You know what? This is good.

This is good. This is good.

You guys are back together, right?

- We should celebrate.
- You could pay for lunch.

[CHUCKLES] Well, I always pay for lunch.

That's true.

I'd take a little walking-around money

if you got the cash on you.

[LAUGHS]

Where's my knife?

Oh, that's weird.
Everyone else has knives.

Um, excuse me. Can we
get some knives, please?

We don't have any knives. What the heck?

What's going on? Trying to have lunch.

Vite, vite, please. Thank you.

[SIGHS] Service today is junk.

I tell you what. You know what?

We shouldn't have eaten here.

♪ I thought you knew ♪

♪ I thought you knew ♪

♪ Hearts made of stone ♪

[OTIS WILLIAMS AND THE
CHARMS' "HEARTS OF STONE"]

Mom, I'm seeing you landed a while ago.

Where are you? Please call me back.

Ava!

Ava!

Ava!

- Mom! Shh!
- There you are!

I have been looking for you everywhere!

Mom, I've been calling you!

Oh, sh**t.

Oh, I forgot to take my
phone off airplane mode.

Ava, this is amazing!

I mean, you basically live
in the Cheesecake Factory!

Just stop screaming. I'm
coming down to get you.

Oh, wait, wait, wait!

Can you bring me down a
penny for the fountain?

Honey, I want to make a wish!

Ava!

Hey, are you eating enough soup?

I'm... I'm not eating any soup.

Ugh, soup is so beneficial.

Speaking of, uh,

there's something I want
to talk with you about.

OK, is it quick? 'Cause I gotta go.

It is.

I'm worried that you're
not gonna have children.

Wow, I'd love to hear your
version of a long conversation.

You're getting older, and I'm worried

that having kids isn't
even on your radar.

It's not on my radar. I'm 28.

That's the same age
I was when I had you.

OK, I'm sorry.

I cannot deal with this right now.

- I'm gonna be late for work.
- Yeah, exactly.

You're so focused on this
demanding new job of yours.

I worry you're gonna get so busy,

you're just... you're gonna forget.

I'm gonna forget to have a kid?

Honey, are you still waiting to meet

Leonardo DiCaprio to have a child?

Because I was reading
some of your old diaries,

and I think that there's
something to that.

I'm not gonna dignify
that with a response.

- That's insane.
- Look, it's not insane.

You move in the same Hollywood circles.

- It could happen.
- What's your point?

Honey, I want to give you a baby.

What?

I've set aside $10,000
to freeze your eggs,

and I will also cover the cost

of storing every single one of them.

You don't have that kind of money.

Oh, but I do, because I had a windfall

from the Vibamins class action suit.

I thought you were being sued.

Right, yes, I was, but
I was also a plaintiff.

My upline is longer than my downline,

to the tune of $22,000!

And the first thing I
thought was, oh, my God,

I can get Ava pregnant.

OK, I don't have time for this.

I'm gonna be so late for work.

Tell you what... I'll think about it.

- OK?
- OK.

- OK, great.
- You'll think about it.

The show starts at 5:00,

so I'll send a car here for you at 4:00.

Are you leaving me?

Oh, my God, what am I
supposed to do all day?

I live in a mall. Go shopping.

You have $22,000, apparently.

The whole point of me coming here

is to spend time with you.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS] All right, you
can come to work with me.

- Yay!
- But you need to be my shadow.

OK? Don't speak unless spoken to.

And when you do speak,
one-word answers only.

- You got it?
- Oh, my God.

You're being so Grandma right now.

All right, are you ready to go?

Yeah, I'm waiting on you.

Wait, I just need to switch all my stuff

from my airport purse
to my vacation purse.

I also need to call Aunt
Lanie to tell her I landed.

I need to drink a
glass of water and pee.

OK.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[KNOCKING RHYTHMICALLY]

[CLEARS THROAT] Hello.

Hello. I have a thought about

how to get Ava and Deborah
to be friends again.

Have you ever seen a movie
called "Black Snake Moan"?

Very sweaty movie, yes.

But we don't have to
chain anyone to a radiator,

- because they made up.
- Lunch worked?

Ah, I love when lunch works.

Well, they actually made up before.

Before? Like when?

Like, a week or two or maybe more.

It doesn't matter. What matters is,

they're in harmony and I can stop having

m*rder-suicide dreams about them.

I'm sorry, wait.

You have been so stressed
about them fighting,

and neither of them decided to tell you

that things were back to normal?

I mean, that's really f*cked up.

Did you tell them that
it's really f*cked up?

Did you stand up for yourself?

No, they're so busy. It's fine.

And you were the last to know.

This is like the time you found out

your parents were getting divorced

from "Soap Opera Digest."

They were gonna tell
me on their own time.

That was my fault.

I convinced my nanny to go
to Gelson's before school

so I could get cheddar
cheese for my lunch.

And I just saw it in the checkout aisle.

I don't blame them. I
blame "Soap Opera Digest."

Jimmy.

I love you, but you don't love yourself.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

What?

I'm getting Sweetgreen
if you want anything!

Ooh, I'll take a super
green goddess bowl!

Text me. I'm gonna forget your order.

OK, remind me, my body's going to be...

A big robot.

Because?

It's on during football.

OK.

- All right.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Don't go anywhere. "Late
Night with Deborah Vance"

will be back right after this.

Great.

That's perfect.

Keep going.

[CHUCKLES] Look at you! Fantastic.

- Winnie, what a surprise.
- I just wanted to check in.

Have you given any thought to what

your Carpool Karaoke is gonna be?

We need our spinoff.

We're close to closing
Anthony Anderson's talent deal.

- Anthony Anderson?
- Yeah.

He's gonna host the spinoff.

- What spinoff?
- I don't know.

- You tell me.
- [CHUCKLING] Oh.

You know, um...

you know, Celebrity Strip Poker
is doing huge numbers online.

I mean, that... that
could be our spinoff.

Yeah, that's a no-go.

We need something family-friendly,

and this country is terrified
of the naked human form.

OK, well, Ava and I will work
on some more ideas tonight.

Great, don't be afraid
to make it a late one.

[VELCRO RIPS]

[CLANGS]

[SIGHS]

Deborah, while we have
you at the green screen,

we are gonna have you literally leap

over Leap Day for socials, OK?

Ready, one, two, three, leap!

Ooh, not you literally
leaping on Leap Day.

No, so it's Leap Day,
which means we skip a day.

So I'm gonna need you
to jump to your left,

so it's like you're leaping over it.

And leap!

[GRUNTS] Awesome!

Oh, my God, Leap Day isn't
gonna know what's coming.

OK, um, we need alts for
Make-A-Wish Foundation.

Because it's hack?

No, because they sued
Deborah in the '90s.

Oh, right.

"Can I have Doritos? They are so good."

Yes, you can have
whatever snacks you want.

But also, lunch is about to be here.

Oh, I'll get my debit card.

No, no, no, it's OK. Show pays for it.

- Really? They do?
- Yeah.

My God, that's so incredible.

I've been meaning to say,
I am sick of these places

where all they have is salads and bowls.

This town has gone so soft.

Where's my two-martini lunch?

I think you mean you've
been meaning to say it again,

'cause you've said it a couple times.

- It's called grieving.
- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

Mom, this is a professional environment.

Come on, I just want to post...

Oh, my God, "Mayor of Las Vegas

caught having an orgy on a Zamboni"?

Wait, Mayor Jo?

- I know her.
- Holy sh*t.

"Mayor Pezzimenti was caught on video

having sex with multiple
professional hockey players

on a Zamboni."

Mayor h* Pezzimenti.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, my God.

Mayor h* Jizz-a-many.

[LAUGHING] Oh, you guys!

She puts the trick in hat trick.

[LAUGHING]

She puts the box in penalty box.

She really puts the "a*s" in "assist."

You know, I think
Wayne Gretzky said that

you miss 100% of the
cumshots you don't take.

Oh, no, no, no, that is too much.

- Mom! Mom.
- It's too much.

No, your father loved Wayne Gretzky.

Mom!

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

- Hey.
- How's it going?

Have you seen the news?

Oh, about the Dow?

Look, I know this
sounds kind of woo-woo,

but I can sense big-market
changes physically,

- behind my knees.
- No, not that.

Mayor Jo was involved in a sex scandal.

[LAUGHING] Oh, Jesus.

She was caught on video getting railed

by three professional hockey players

on a Zamboni machine.

Oh, my God! I guess
she put 'em in the box.

Yeah.

That joke is already
all over the internet.

"She got pucked."

"Now I have a Zamboner."

"Lonely tonight? Click here, Daddy."

Oh, sorry. That's porn.

Yeah, every fifth tweet is porn now.

They really ruined the platform.

So are we gonna do
jokes about it tonight?

She's a friend. I don't
do jokes about friends.

OK, sure, but I don't
think we can afford

to opt out of the
biggest story of the day.

Why don't you have Mayor Jo on?

All the other hosts are gonna
be brutal to her tonight.

Instead of doing, like,
lame "women are crazy" jokes,

have her on so she can
tell her side of the story.

- That would be good TV.
- Right?

- OK, yeah, I'll call her.
- Cool.

Oh, fudge my life.

I forgot to put dog food
in the dog bowl again.

She's lost 15 pounds since I
started working with you two.

[SPITS]

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

♪ ♪

We're standing in front
of the mayor's house now.

No one has seen her for several days...

♪ ♪

[GRUNTING]

♪ ♪

[GROANING]

♪ ♪

Freeze, m*therf*cker!

- Jo, it's me!
- God.

Deborah. [EXHALES]

Nevada is a stand-your-ground state.

You stupid? I could have shot you.

Would have never gone to jail.

Yeah, I'm not really up
for visitors right now.

Too bad. I'm coming in.

Uh...

I'll get the door.

Listen, do not touch the Cheez-Its.

Where you going?

I wish you would have
told me you were coming by.

I tried to.

You weren't answering your phone.

I threw it into the shark
reef aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

Thank you for not making jokes about me

on your show last night.

Ah, it was too easy.

Yeah, well, the Jimmys railed me.

Was my second g*ngb*ng of the week.

[LAUGHING]

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, people love to pile on.

Hey, I'm gonna step down as mayor.

What? No!

- No, you can't.
- I have to. I'm a joke.

No, this is why I came by

when you weren't picking up my calls.

I want you to be on my show tonight.

Oh, my God, why would I do that?

Well, for one thing, you
can help your friend's

late-night show grab some eyeballs.

And second, you gotta tell
your side of the story.

And put myself in front
of the firing squad

more than I already have?

Yeah, no thank you.

When you're in the public eye,

people love to turn on
you and tear you to shreds.

It's painful,

being the witch of the week.

But I had my stand-up to say my piece.

You deserve that too.

What would I even say?

You need to make the laughs yours.

I don't follow.

If you slip on a banana peel,

people will laugh at you.

But if you tell people you
slipped on a banana peel,

then it's your laugh.

That's beautiful.

That's Nora Ephron.

But I feel like I can steal it

'cause she called me a b*tch once.

Huh.

In all fairness, I was being a b*tch.

[CLEARS THROAT] So what do you say?

How about it?

[SIGHS] sh*t.

You know, you're
Jimmy's only male client.

Do you know that?

- You've got company.
- Thanks.

- Oh, hey, Clive.
- Hey, man.

Hey, sorry about this. So embarrassing.

- You OK?
- Yeah.

I just have to ice and
elevate 'cause it's swollen.

- Oh, man.
- And excuse the smell.

- I think it's the building.
- Is that what that is?

I thought you were eating
kimchi in here or something.

[CHUCKLING] No, no, no.

I apologize for having to
reschedule this so much.

- Oh, that's OK.
- No, it is not OK.

Clients come first.
I've just been dealing

with this antibiotic-resistant
infection on my leg.

- Gross.
- But I shouldn't be

complaining to you
about the shortcomings

of the American medical system, right?

Speaking of which, how is your cancer?

Well, actually, that's kind of
what I want to talk to you about.

Oh, no.

I'm in remission.

Oh... dude!

Oh, my God!

OK, man, f*ck cancer!

- Come on, man! Yeah!
- I don't know if I... all right.

I knew you could do it.
I knew you were a fighter.

- Yeah.
- The moment I saw your show,

- that beautiful show...
- Right.

Dude, I am so... ah! Oof!

- Oh.
- It's OK.

- OK.
- I am so happy.

Are you happy?

Yes. No, I'm... I'm happy.

- Yeah, I'm happy.
- Yeah, OK.

- I am.
- Yes, it's...

It's just... the thing is,
now that I'm feeling better,

it just means that I have
to fire you as my manager.

- What are you talking about?
- Here's the thing.

I've been talking to one of
the partners over at Latitude.

- Who?
- Michael Schaeffer.

Mm-hmm.

He was saying that he could
package my show for me.

He attached Skyler Gisondo to play me.

[LAUGHING] How cool is that?

Wow.

Wow, yeah, Skyler Gisondo is so good.

I'm sorry, man.

You know, you believed in
me when no one else would.

- But now, one other person does.
- Yeah.

It's just once-in-a-lifetime
opportunity.

I have to take it. You get it.

Ah. [KNOCKING]

- Mr. LuSaque?
- Yeah.

We got the doctor here to
administer your rabies shot.

OK, that's my cue.

Good luck with... all that.

Yeah, best of luck, and, you know,

the door's always open
if Michael Schaeffer

- lets you down.
- Sounds good.

Hey, Doc. It's, um... it's not good.

It really smells.

Should it smell?

Look out, look out, look out, look out.

Beep, beep, beep, beep.
Head writer coming through.

Did you guys make those
changes to the end?

- Just did.
- And now we're going to props

- to get googly eyes.
- Great.

Look at her go. Look.

Look how fast she's moving.

And she placed last in all her
Presidential Fitness Challenges.

I think her gym teachers just
didn't know how to motivate her.

Are you the animal trainer?

Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm her mother.

Are you single?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

Do you want to have kids someday?

- One day.
- Oh, yeah? Because... OK.

Can you... can you give me your number?

Just put it here in my phone.
Just add it to my contacts.

Because you guys have a
very similar hair color.

And I think that could be good.

[SIGHS]

Oh, my God.

Somebody get me a paper towel.
I'm pittin' out over here.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

- I don't want to do this.
- No, no, Jo.

Jo, look at me, look at me, look at me.

- Uh-huh?
- I'm gonna be out there

with you the whole time.

You're gonna be fine.

I got you.

[EXHALING] OK.

How am I looking?

You're sweating too much.
The foundation won't stay on.

- Spray hairspray on my face.
- That's not safe.

Spray me on my face with
hairspray, God damn it!

Oh, my God, it stings!

Oh, my God. Ow, ow, ow, ow.

OK, powder me, powder me.

What are you do... just
do what you have on here.

This is fine. This is fine.

[GROANS] I want to pray.

Give me your hands real
quick. Let's do a quick prayer.

Our Father... where are you?

Our Father, who art in
heaven, hallowed be Thy name.

Thy kingdom come, Thy...

dear God, your hands are like ice...

- Thy will be done.
- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

My next guest you know
as the mayor of Las Vegas.

But she also happens
to be a good friend.

Please welcome Mayor Jo Pezzimenti!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHING]

[FANFARE PLAYING]

♪ ♪

- Ooh!
- Oh, my, my, my, my.

Ugh!

Wow.

All right, I gotta ask you the one thing

that is on everyone's mind.

What were you thinking?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Oh, yeah.

Honestly, I wasn't.

You know, I was kneeling
and bouncing and bending...

- lots of bending.
- [LAUGHTER AND HOOTING]

But yeah, thinking, not so much, no.

- OK, now I'm jealous. OK.
- Listen. I'm sorry.

If you're still having sex in a bed,

you've just given up... couldn't be me.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

But seriously, you were on
the cover of every tabloid.

- Ay.
- Yet you did nothing ill*gal.

You did not abuse your power,

and you did not cheat on your spouse.

No, I... I didn't. I did not.

I don't know about them.

You know, when there's
six pairs of hands,

you stop looking for wedding rings.

[LAUGHTER]

But look, you know, I had some fun.

I got caught. I'm honest about that.

But I am the mayor of Sin City.

I mean, you want to live in a city

where you can't buy beer on Sundays,

move to Boston.

[LAUGHTER]

If you want to take
things a little too far,

and then say, "Sorry,
Officer, you take my cuff off,

I can put my pants back on,"

that's what Vegas is for.

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- And we are proud of it!

Right?

I am not a prude, OK?

I have never been a prude.

And the good news is, my voters,

they don't want a prude.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

- Mayor Jo, everybody!
- Thank you.

We'll be right back with more
"Late Night" right after this.

♪ ♪

[MOUTHS WORDS]

Look at this.

- I know.
- It's incredible!

And this is where they shot
"The w*r of the Worlds."

I can't believe you work here.

I mean, I know I must
sound like such a bumpkin.

You see this every day.

No, but it's still cool
every day, you know.

I just... I get it now.

I get it why having
kids isn't on your mind.

Working here is incredible.

I mean, you have this fulfilling life

and a job you're passionate about.

It's great.

- It's great.
- Thanks, Mom.

I mean, it's just so
amazing seeing your life now.

I'm jealous.

- Of me?
- Yeah.

I mean, you always knew
what you wanted to do,

and you went out there and you did it.

You know, Mom, I have
thought about having kids.

I have. I just... I don't want to.

Raising kids is just not
how I want to spend my life,

and I'm happy with that choice.

You might change your mind.

Yeah, maybe.

But I don't think so.

And I... I want you to use

the Vibamins lawsuit money for yourself.

- No! No.
- Yes. Yes.

You can use it to find something

you're passionate about.

You deserve that.

Well, OK.

But what... where do I even start?

Like, what?

Do something like... windsurfing?

[LAUGHING] You don't... no,
you don't have to windsurf.

- It could be anything.
- But I want to windsurf.

OK. Then you should. Yeah.

I mean, my center of
gravity is down in my calves.

Does that help?

- Well, it can't hurt.
- Sure.

You know, I really
wish I hadn't seen this

before my flight home.

Yeah, it's... take an Ambien.

You'll be fine. [CHUCKLES]

[MELLOW MUSIC]

- [TABLE BANGS]
- Oh! Oh! Motherfuck... oh!

Ooh!

Hey, I heard you yelling.

What's wrong?

Everything's wrong.

Dance Mom's not a mom,
I might have rabies,

and I just found out that Jack Danby

wants to go method to
play Fatty Arbuckle.

But he doesn't want to
alter his vegan diet,

so he has to gain 100 pounds
before production starts.

How is he gonna do that? Kale smoothies?

Come on. He can do it, Jimmy.

I know a lot of vegans that
look like absolute sh*t.

It's not just him.

There's all the stress at the show.

I don't even want to be there.

Deborah and Ava don't respect me.

They didn't even tell me they made up.

It's making me a bad person.
I'm rude to my barista.

She doesn't deserve that.

Listen, I was able to
return almost everything

that Dance Mom bought on nitrous.

I got Lassie an emergency
training session.

So shape up, Buttercup.

We're the best in the biz.

Yeah, well, tell that to Clive.

What about Clive?

- Well, his cancer is gone.
- Whoo! That's awesome!

And he's leaving us for Latitude

and signing with your dad.

What? I'm gonna chop his head off!

He can't f*cking fire us,
after everything we did

for his up-until-recently cancerous a*s!

We saved his life!

That was the oncology
department at Cedars.

But we did sign him.

Wish we didn't! Put
him back in the hospital!

It is what it is, Kayla. He's gone.

He fired us. It's over.

They won. Your dad won again.

I'm gonna punch my
dad. Jimmy, I'm scared.

I feel a lot of things right now.

- What?
- You better brace yourself.

'Cause I'm about to
go full gorilla mode!

- Wait, OK, Kayla...
- Nobody poaches

LuSaque & Schaeffer
and/or Schaeffer & LuSaque!

[SCREAMS]

Kayla, just calm down. Hey, hey, Kayla?

[SCREAMS] Oh, my God.
I need to get my keys.

[SCREAMS]

Hey!

Keep your grubby hands off my clients!

Kayla, Kayla, what are you doing here?

- It's the men's lounge.
- Oh, yeah. I think I know that.

Everyone has a weird butt in here.

- Could you give us just...
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah, get out of here!

What's the matter, baby doll?

Don't "baby doll" me, OK?

You can't poach our clients

as soon as they become cancer-free!

Jerk!

It's a dirty game.

I'm sorry that I made you mad,
but I'm glad that you're here.

I'm glad you're here.

I've been keeping an eye on your work

these past few months.

Oh, yeah.

Word spreads around town.

Well? What are they saying?

They say that you take charge.

They are saying that you
sign interesting talent.

Most importantly, they're afraid of you.

My only concern is that you've

attached yourself to dead weight.

I mean, Jimmy... [CHUCKLES]

I poached his client,

yet you're the one
confronting me about it.

Why is that?

You gotta be tough, and
you gotta be a k*ller.

Jimmy, he's neither one of them.

But you are.

Remember that time at SeaWorld
you k*lled that dolphin?

I saw you stick that
muffin in its blowhole.

- My Super Sweet 16.
- [CHUCKLING] Yeah.

Look, when you're ready
to come back to Latitude,

there's a corner office waiting.

You wish.

And I'll tell you something else.

I just might leave
the Malibu beach house

to you instead of your brother.

Including the Jet Ski, I assume.

Of course. It comes with it.

Oh, come on, stop trying to bribe me!

I'm not trying to
bribe you. You deserve it.

You've earned it.

I just want you to think about it, OK?

- OK.
- [CHUCKLES]

- I'll think about it.
- That's daddy's girl. Come on.

No, I'm not giving you a daddy kiss.

Come on.

I'm going to get my
nails done on your card.

Oh, that's my girl.

Left foot!

♪ I don't know ♪

And in some very good news,

the Mayor Jo interview racked up

a million views in only six hours.



Unfortunately, our overnights
are still plateauing,

and we're still in third place.

How is it even possible
if so many people

are sharing the Mayor Jo clip?

That was after we aired.

Doesn't help with live numbers.

- Right.
- Yeah.

Why don't we air the
clips before the show?

They could be teasers

to drive people to the actual broadcast.

I mean, we tease the show in the promos.

Yeah, but those short little
promo clips post at 9:00 PM.

- They can't be sent around.
- No, she's right.

We need them to be gaining traction

when people are on
the internet the most.

Like when they're at work, right?

- What?
- Well, sure.

But to do that, the show would
have to be taped a day early.

I mean, we wouldn't be able to
comment on the news of the day.

Oh, what, we wouldn't be
able to make the obvious

topical jokes that
all the other hosts do

and that everyone online has
done beforehand for hours?

Who needs that?

Every late-night show does
topical monologue jokes.

And I love to make fun of people.

It's one of life's great pleasures.

- But I don't need to pile on.
- Totally.

I mean, people used to watch late night

for a fresh take on the news of the day,

but they do not do that anymore.

We need our show to be more of an event.

Yes. Yes!

We can book guests I actually know

who are interesting, who
are not pretty 20-year-olds

I have to pretend to be charmed by.

It needs to be more
buzzy and dishy and fun.

We can tape the day
before the show airs,

and then we can tease
viewers by dropping clips

with juicy cliffhangers
to get them to tune in.

Am I crazy?

Maybe. But it's worth a try.

- Let's try it.
- Let's try it.

It's time to show people

that what's different about this show

is not just the fact that
the host wears a skirt.

[LAUGHTER AND CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, you are
in for a real treat tonight.

My first guest is Dr. Alan Poghosyan,

plastic surgeon to the stars.

You told me that there is one procedure

that every A-list star has had done

that the general public
doesn't even know exists.

Now, obviously, we respect
doctor-patient confidentiality

on our show, but what
is it and who got it?

- [LAUGHTER]
- Well...

So as a psychic, you're telling me

you know the next
celebrity who will perish?

Without a doubt.

So RIP to Chris...

It's time for another
round of Punching Back,

where celebrities I've made
hundreds of horrible jokes

about over the years get
their chance to roast me.

Tonight, we have Melissa Etheridge!

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
- Hey. Hey.

OK, Melissa. Roast away.

Deb, I will never tear
down another woman.

You f*cking b*tch.

- Oh, well, there you go.
- [LAUGHTER]

You've been a valet in
Hollywood for 20 years.

Who's the worst tipper?

Well, if you have Michelle
Obama's phone number,

we're calling her.

Name the sperm donor right now,

and I will donate $50,000 to
the charity of your choice.

Does your wife know you proposed to me?

Here's some Silly
Putty. You can sculpt it.

I want to see how it curves.

You're all going home with
a copy of the deposition!

Who was the biggest
nightmare on the set?

How much did you get in the divorce?

He had a sex dungeon?

Name names! Ooh!

You heard it here first! Ooh!

[LAUGHS]

Today, you're gonna tell
us about the one resort

where the entire cast
of "Ocean's Eleven"

is no longer welcome and why.

Well, George does love his pranks,

and apparently, you can train a gerbil

to enter a human [BLEEP].

Find out where that gerbil went

tomorrow night on "Late
Night with Deborah Vance."

[BUS BRAKES SQUEAL]

Oh, sh*t.

Oh, my God.

[LINE RINGS]

Good morning, Mr. Jimmy boss man.

How you doing?

Hey, today's not
Kayla's birthday, right?

- It's November 19th?
- That's right.

She told me she's a triple Scorpio,

and I had to pretend
I know what that means.

I mean, I'm g*y, but I'm no l*sbian.

OK, there's a Jet Ski in her spot.

Do you know what that's
about? There's a big bow on it.

No, I have no idea. Is there a card?

Um...

Yes. Oh, it says "Love, Daddy."

Huh, well, it could be from
her dad or her... "daddy."

Yeah, it's probably her dad.

- Are you on a bus?
- Yes.

I like to mentally map a
city before I drive in it.

Bus routes are the best way.

That makes sense. OK, well, ride safe.

Oh, this is my stop.

[MELLOW MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Are you guys hyphenating?

We're a two-last-name household.

- OK.
- Hey, guys.

Um, the ratings just came in.

Now, I know we were all hoping
to come in at number two,

but, um, we didn't.

We came in at number one.

- What?
- We were number one!

- Are you serious?
- I'm serious!

- What? No!
- Yes!

No! This is amazing!

- Oh, my God!
- Holy sh*t!

- Oh, my God, everybody!
- Whoo!

Guys, also, also, the
network is so happy,

they want us to do a live
show after the Oscars.

- Yes!
- Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

This is the closest I'm ever gonna get

to working in features!

- Yeah!
- [ALL CHEERING]

All right, everyone.
Come on, come on, come on.

We have a show to do today.

But tonight, we're gonna party!

[ALL CHEERING]

And I want to thank Winnie,

because I would not have
gotten this job without you.

I have never met a woman

with better taste, smarts, and tenacity.

Thank you, Winnie. Thank you all.

Let's celebrate tonight. You deserve it.

Let's have some fun!

[ALL CHEERING]

- Cheers.
- [SIGHS] Cheers.

Well, congrats, ladies.

- Thanks.
- That was hard.

Not easy.

- Yeah.
- Yes.

I'm going to Costa Rica.

Taking a mental health
break. Two to six months.

To be determined.

But I did tell my boss that you're good.

So they're not gonna replace
me with another chaperone.

- Oh!
- Great.

Costa Rica, huh? Surf's up.

No, they don't let you
anywhere near that ocean

when you're at the facility.

You can't even have shoelaces.

Hey, Deborah.

Can you get in the selfie with us?

- Sure.
- Yes!

Ava. [LAUGHS]

We did it!

Oh! [LAUGHS]

We're number one!

I'm so happy... for you,
for Deborah, for myself.

But you... you, Avra...
you... you really did it.

We did it.

Well, Deborah really did it.

She got you back.

Whatever she said to you after
you disappeared, it worked.

She good.

[CHUCKLES] Right?

Yeah. Yeah.

- Deborah's the best.
- Yep, she's the best.

She is. Should we do some shots?

- Yeah.
- Can we get a round of drinks?

So I guess I didn't need
my spinoff after all.

Oh, no, no, no, you still do.

It's vitally important,

especially now that you're ahead.

That's when we need to capitalize.

It's not like you haven't had time.

Corden thought of Carpool, like...

No, I know, his first
week. You mentioned that.

Deborah, I just want
the show to be a success.

Well, great, because it is.

It's the number-one show in late night.

You know what?

Let's just table this
till the end of the week.

OK. I'll worry about it then.

Tonight, I'm gonna celebrate

going above and beyond
your expectations.

Sure. Have a good night.

- Hey. Is everything OK?
- Yes.

She just needs to get out of my way.

Let's get a drink. Come on.

[FUNKY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[LINE RINGING]

[PHONE BUZZES]

This late on a school night?

We're celebrating.

You got my gift?

I did. Blue Label, my favorite.

My favorite price range, anyway.

Congratulations. You deserve it.

Thank you.

Let me know if there's
anything else I can do, OK?

Well, honestly,

I'd love it if Winnie never asked me

to deliver her a spinoff ever again.

She's bothering you about it?

[SIGHS] Incessantly.

I wasn't able to celebrate
for two minutes tonight

before she was giving me grief.

Even Matt Lauer eventually
took no for an answer.

That's Winnie.

Well, I would just
like a little goodwill.

I got to number one.
Haven't I earned that?

Of course. I hear you.

Thank you.

Anytime.

- Good night.
- Good night.

[PENSIVE MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So I walk into her living
room, she has a Matisse print,

which I hate because it devalues it

for the rest of us
who own the real thing.

- Mm-hmm.
- [PHONE DINGS]

Holy sh*t.

Winnie Landell is out.

Wait, what?

Apparently, she was fired.

Oh, no.

Wonder what happened.

This is crazy.

Deborah, we're ready for you onstage.

Thank you.

Is this bad for the show?

Well, it could be. Or it could be fine.

Depends on who they replace her with.

It just seems so
sudden. Did they say why?

No. I mean, we get to number one,

and then Winnie gets axed?

It's weird.

Please welcome your
new queen of late night,

Deborah Vance!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ♪

[THUNDER BOOMING]

[BRONSKI BEAT'S "SMALLTOWN BOY"]

♪ Ah ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Ah ♪

[CACKLES]

♪ Run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away, turn away, run away ♪

♪ Run away, turn away, run away ♪

♪ Turn away, run away ♪

♪ Pushed around and kicked around ♪

♪ Always a lonely boy ♪

♪ You were the one
that they'd talk about ♪

♪ Around town as they put you down ♪

♪ And as hard as they would try ♪

♪ They'd hurt to make you cry ♪

♪ But you never cried to them ♪

♪ Just to your soul ♪

♪ No, you never cried to them ♪

♪ Just to your soul ♪

♪ Run away, turn away,
run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away ♪

♪ Run away, turn away,
run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away ♪

♪ Crying to your soul ♪

♪ Run away, turn away,
run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away ♪

♪ Run away, turn away,
run away, turn away ♪

♪ Run away ♪