01x22 - The Late T.C.

[bunniefuu]

I hope I'm not too late.

DOCTOR:
Sorry, T.C.,
but there's nothing...

...that can be done
about that old ticker of yours.

It's in pretty bad shape.

[TICKING OUT OF RHYTHM]

That fall you took
must have busted it.

I can't understand
how it keeps going.

Another week or so
and it will conk out for good.

A week? T.C. only has a week
to live?

[SNIFFING]

Oh, poor Top Cat.

I guess it's up to me
to make his last week...

...the happiest of his life.

Even if it kills me,
and it very well may.

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief, he's a king,
But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

All right, Brain,
let's take it from the top.

Bring in the group
in the usual fashion.

And don't spare the covers.

Uh, okay, T.C.

Eight, seven, six, five, four,
three, two, one.

Hi, T.C.

Oh, boy, you call that
an entrance?

Now, let's try it again
with a little moxie this time,
shall we?

All right. Everybody out.

Okay, maestro, if you please.

Uh, please what, T.C.?

TOP CAT:
Just make with the signal,
Brain.

Oh. Oh, yeah, sure!

Come, come.
You're dragging your feet.

I can wait as long as you can,
fellas.

So let's do it again.

Only this time
let's do it right, shall we?

Okay, Brain. Once more,
with feeling.

[LIDS BANGING]

If we don't make it this time,
fellas, just keep on running.

[LOUD CRASH]

Now, that's what I call
a pip of an entrance.

Uh, this meeting
is now in recession.

Oh, boy.

There's only one thing
on the agenda, fellas.

Raising dough
for one of our lucky members...

...to take a $6 luxury cruise
up the Hudson River.

Uh-oh. Sounds like
another baseball pool.

Thanks, Chooch,
the motion is carried.

Now, as usual, this baseball
pool will be conducted...

...under the official
Las Vegas parliamentary rules.

Everybody puts a buck
into the kitty.

I mark some scores
on six pieces of paper...

...and I toss them
into the old fedora.

Next, we each pick one.

Whoever gets the right score
for today's game...

...wins our giant jackpot.

Just to be fair,
I'll pick first.

TOP CAT:
You're next, Chooch.

Star light, star bright,
I wish I pick a score
that's right.

All right, knock off the voodoo.
What'd you get?

"127 to 125."

That's a baseball score?
Oh, well.

Last time, I had 350 to 349.

-I'm must be getting lucky.
-Come on, Fancy,
read them and weep.

FANCY:
I don't know why I bother, T.C.

Somehow, you're the only guy
that ever wins.

I will just ignore that
poor-loser attitude.
Give me your score.

I would never have guessed it.

"Game called
on account of earthquake."

Well, stranger things
have happened.

Here, Spook, take one.
You too, Benny.

Let everybody hear...

...what winning scores
you two lucky guys picked.

I got "nothing to nothing tie,"
man. Hey, that's, like, way out.

TOP CAT: Don't kick. At least
you're starting out with
the right score.

I have "77 to 111."

Wow, a two-way natural!
How lucky can you get!

Let's see, that leaves one more.
Take your pick, Brain.

BRAIN:
Uh, thanks, T.C.

Oh, boy! I have "97 to nothing."

TOP CAT:
Sounds like
a regular pitchers' duel.

Uh, what score
did you pick, T.C.?

Ugh. What a crummy score.
All my unlucky numbers.

"One to 10 and combinations
thereof." Oh, well.

You never can tell.
I may have an outside chance.

What do you mean?
One to 10 sounds good to me.

Yeah, like, they're like the
same numbers you had yesterday,
and you won.

Oh, you're just being kind to
a poor loser, but thanks anyway.

Uh, how come we never get to put
the numbers in the hat, T.C.?

TOP CAT: Do you own a hat,
Brain?
-Well, uh, no.

Well, I do, and I'm kind of
particular what goes in it.

It's kind of an eccentric
thing with me.

Now, I got a big surprise
for you guys.

I'm gonna take all of you
to the ball game.

Now, let's see, our limousine
to the ball park...

...should be due about now.

[TICKING]

And there she is, men,
right on time.

Come on, fellas. All aboard.

Watch your step, now.
Watch your step.

I'll collect the fare
from you guys...

...when we get to the ballpark.

Boy, what a game!
Two down, bottom of the ninth.

Man on second, Mickey Mantle
coming to the plate.

When you said you'd take us
to the ball game, T.C...

-...I had something else
in mind.
-Why? What's wrong with this?

-I can see everything.
-But we can't.

That's why I'm giving you
a play-by-play description.

Now, listen, the pitcher goes
into a stretch.
He looks at second.

I heard of supporting your team,
but this is ridiculous.

Mantle is waiting,
and here's the pitch.

[BAT CRACKS
AND CROWD CHEERING]

And he belts it!

It's a long, high fly ball
to the centerfield fence.

It's coming down, down,
down, down, and...

[TOP CAT YELLS]

[LOUD CRASH]

What happened, T.C.?

It was a homer, not to mention
the slight concussion.

Lend a hand, you guys.

Rush me to a doctor,
this could be serious.

Careful now, men. Easy does it.

Chooch, if anyone wants me...

...I'll probably be in surgery.

-Right, T.C.
-Okay, Benny, you be the siren.

-Let's go.
-Oh, boy, a siren!

[HOWLING]

That's the worst siren
I ever heard.

[HOWLING]

All right, Choo-Choo,
what happened?

The guys just took T.C.
to the doctor.

No, no, no, Chooch, not that.
I mean, who won the ball game?

CHOO-CHOO:
Oh. The Yanks, two to one.

Oh, I lost again!

I'm gonna have to stay
out of them precinct pools.

You say the fellas took Top Cat
to the doc's. What for?

I think it was something about
a concussion for T.C.'s head.

DIBBLE:
No kidding. Is it serious,
I hope?

Oh, yeah. He got hit by a home
run while a man was on second.

They carried him out of here
with sirens going and
everything.

Mm-hm.

Sounds suspicious to me.
Top Cat must be up to something.

Maybe he's trying to con the doc
into buying the Brooklyn Bridge.

-I didn't even know
it was for sale.
-I'd better get down there.

That poor doc doesn't know
what he's in for.

DOCTOR:
Hmm. You must've had
a nasty fall.

I know all about the fall, doc.
I wanna know if it's serious.

Now, give it to me straight.
Will you have to operate?

Well, it's definitely
an inflammation
of a cranium protrusion.

A what? Oh, come on, now, doc,
I can take it.

What does that mean
in plain American?

You have a slight bump on the
head. Nothing to worry about.

TOP CAT:
You mean, I'm gonna live?

-I'm afraid so.
-Doc, you know what you are?

You're a regular miracle-worker.

And to show my appreciation,
I'm gonna let you in
on a big deal.

Now, I can't mention names,
but it's about
a certain bridge--

Yes, yes. Uh, but let's talk
about my fee first, hmm?

Fee? Oh, yeah, your fee.
Well, I, uh-- Ahem.

I seem to be a bit short
of cash, doc...

...and being a person
of integrity...

...I'm willing to relinquish
this fine, valuable
family heirloom...

...in lieu of said fee.

[TICKING OUT OF RHYTHM]

It's a splendid example
of Renaissance art.

With a certain minor repairs,
it might even tell time.

[PANTING]

I hope I'm not too late.

DOCTOR:
Sorry, T.C.,
but there's nothing...

...that can be done
about that old ticker of yours.

It's in pretty bad shape.

[TICKING OUT OF RHYTHM]

That fall you took
must've busted it.

I can't understand
how it keeps going.

Oh, my gosh!
Top Cat has a bad ticker.

DOCTOR:
Another week or so...

...and it will conk out
for good.

A week?
T.C. only has a week to live?

How awful.

Seeing how there's nothing
I can do for you...

...we'll just skip the fee,
Top Cat.

Thanks, doc, and if you
don't mind, I'll run along now.

Life is too short
to waste around here.
You know what I mean?

Life is too short?

[SNIFFING]

Oh, poor Top Cat.

I guess it's up to me
to make his last week...

...the happiest of his life.

Even if it kills me,
and it very well may.

There.

The least I can do
is make his last days
comfortable.

This hammock ought to help.

When I think of all the cruel
things I said to him...

...I could sh**t myself.

[LAUGHS]

Top Cat always wanted
a foam rubber pillow.

I know it's a little late,
but old Dibble
finally came through.

Now, there's something
you don't see every day.

Dibble giving me a pillow
for my boudoir.

[DIBBLE CHUCKLING]

Old Top Cat will like this.

I'll have some lemonade
waiting for him...

...and some of his favorite
literature.

[DIBBLE CHUCKLING]

A racing form? Lemonade?
It must be poisoned.

No, he wouldn't do that.
Too nice a guy.

Dibble must have slipped
his gears.

There. That ought to make him
happy. For a few days, anyhow.

Maybe I ought to bring him
a liverwurst sandwich too.

Of course, that's it.
I've pushed him too far.

Dibble's finally cracked.

Maybe I better have
a talk with him.

-Oh, Officer Dibble, sir.
-Oh, hi, T.C.

Old friend.

I, uh, couldn't help
noticing, sir...

...the pillow, lemonade,
racing form.

All very nice,
but very suspicious.

You're up to something,
aren't you, sir?
Come now. Fess up.

Yeah, T.C., I confess.

I was listening
outside the doctor's office...

...today when you were there.

I know everything.

You do? I mean, you do, huh?

I know about your terrible
accident...

...your bad ticker,
the whole story, and how--

I extend my deepest sympathies.

Well, I hate to
disappoint you, sir...

...but it's just a slight bump
on the noggin.

Just a slight bump
on the noggin?

What courage. What strength.

You're an inspiration
to us all, Top Cat.

You sure you feel
all right, Dib?

Oh, now, don't worry about me.
You're the important one.

And I got something else
for you: my police whistle.

If you ever need me,
just give a whistle...

...and old Dib
will come running.

-Well, if you say so, Dib.
-I gotta make
my rounds now, T.C.

So long, old pal.

I'll be seeing you around,
I hope.

Oh, he's definitely flipped.
But if he answers the whistle...

...this could be the start
of something big.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

DIBBLE:
Coming, T.C.

Are you all right?
What is it, pal?
What can old Dibble do for you?

I, uh-- I was
just testing, Dib...

...but since you're here,
perhaps you wouldn't mind
carrying me downtown?

-I'm meeting Benny for lunch.
-Sure, sure, T.C. Anytime.

Uh, maybe you ought to
take a nap...

...and I'll wake you
when we get to the restaurant.

There's definitely
something mighty peculiar
going on around here.

When I looked up the street
and seen Dibble carrying you...

...you could've knocked me over
with a feather.

Very shrewd, this Dibble.

All this servitude
for little a bump on the head.

It don't figure.
He's up to something. But what?

Maybe it's a new strategy.

k*ll me with kindness,
trying to grab me
by the Achilles' heel.

The #Gaslight# treatment.
Yeah, that's it!
Well, I'm onto him.

He's trying to drive me batty
and get me locked up.

Well, it won't work, see,
because I'll make him
crack first!

-Who, T.C.?
-Dibble, that's who!

And it's all very simple.

All I gotta do is get him mad.

Dibble blows his stack at me,
there's a brief chase...

...I lose him, and everything's
back to normal again.

Now, let's see.
A few choice insults...

...ought to get things going
in an angry direction.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[RAPID FOOTSTEPS]

On the double, Dibble.
Come on, make it snappy.

-Yeah? What is it, pal?
-Now look, tubby...

...I'm getting tired
of seeing your homely face...

...disrupting the delicate
beauty of this alley.

Why don't you try getting a job
in horror pictures, Dibble?

You'd be a smash.

[CHUCKLING]

Go ahead, T.C.

Pour your wrath out on me
while there's still time.

I deserve it,
the way I treated you...

...always hollering and yelling
and making life miserable
for you.

[SNIFFLES]

Save it, Dibble, save it.

Please excuse me.
I'd like to be alone.

Sure, Top Cat. I understand.
But if you ever need me, just--

Yeah, I know. Whistle.

Right. So long, pal.

How do you like that?
He didn't even nibble.

Even invited me
to insult him some more.

I just can't let him
get to me, Benny.

I gotta get ahold of myself.

[PHONE RINGING]

BENNY:
It's the police phone.

Excuse me, fellas.
It's probably the sergeant.

Hello. Top Cat's residence.
Officer Dibble speaking.

Oh, how are you, sarge?

No, not yet.
He's still breathing.
But that's how Top Cat is.

Lots of intestinal fortitude.
He's taking it like a man.

What's he talking about?
What is this "taking it
like a man" bit?

Sarge, Top Cat is one of the
bravest guys I've ever known.

He never gripes.

You'd never know the doc
gave him only one week to live.

[THUNDER BOOMS]

So that's it.
The doc was holding out on me.

Old T.C. is gonna
cash in his chips in one week.

Yeah, sarge, I heard the doc
say it, with my own ears.

One week is all he's got.

For the first time in my life,
I think I'm gonna faint.

Hey! Top Cat, wake up.

Talk to me.
You still got a few days left.

Gee, I better get him
back to the doctor.

We gotta keep him going.

Now, look, T.C.,
I'm a busy man.

For the last time, all you have
is a bump on the head.

Oh, come on, doc, no need
to spare my feelings any longer.

Officer Dibble
spilled the whole thing.

How you only gave me
a week to live...

...et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.

I don't know anything
about Officer Dibble.

All I know...

...is you tried to stick me
with that old clock for a fee.

Now, do me a favor and beat it.

Come on, Benny. The doc has
no patience with his patients.

[LAUGHING]

-Nothing, huh?
-Oh, boy.

I should've listened
to my mother
and been a tree surgeon.

I don't get it, Benny.

Dibble heard the doc say--
Wait a minute.

-Of course! It's the clock!
-What clock?

Dibble thought the doc was
talking about my ticker...

...but we know he meant
the clock. It all fits.

How it could only last
for a week,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

-I don't get it.
-You know, it occurs to me...

...I'm better off
practically dead.

BENNY: You mean,
you wanna go, T.C.?
-Don't be naive, Benny...

...but we got a gravy train
going here, don't you see?

Dibble thinks
I'm cashing in my chips,
and that's all that counts.

Gee, ain't you gonna tell
Officer Dibble the truth?

What? And break his poor,
little heart?

He's counting on me going,
and I can't shatter his dream.

If he wishes to
shower me with gifts
and going-away parties...

...who am I
to burst his happy bubble?

Come on, Benny boy,
we gotta console poor Dibble.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

Yeah, T.C.? You finished?

TOP CAT:
Uh-huh. Take it away,
will you, pal?

DIBBLE:
Sure thing, T.C.

Oh, thanks awfully.
That was delicious.

You sure you had
enough now, pal?

Oh, yes, thank you.

Of course, these TV dinners

can get a bit sticky
around the fingers.

So if you don't mind, pal,
a finger bowl?

Oh, sure, T.C.
Right away. You just relax.

Who can tell, huh, Dibble?
This may be my last meal.

[TOP CAT SIGHS]

Aw, don't talk like that, T.C.

You'll make me
get all choked up.

You know, if it wasn't for you,
I think I'd just die.

Which reminds me, Dibble,

I understand it's customary
to bring flowers...

...to these solemn affairs, uh,
pass the hat, and so on.

Well, if you don't mind,
just omit the flowers...

...and, uh, we can pass the hat
for me now, huh?

But isn't that usually done,
uh, afterwards?

TOP CAT: Oh! How can you
talk of protocol
in a time like this, Dibble?

It's the last request
of a passing friend.

DIBBLE:
Okay, T.C., old passing friend.

I'll pass the hat around
at the station house.

Yeah. And, uh, you might try
some of the other
precincts too, huh?

-For good old Top Cat.
-Sure.

We'll make it a big, big deal
for good old T.C.

[SOBBING]

If I may say so,
the only hard part about going
is leaving you.

[MOANS]

No, not yet, sir.

I know he's already
a week overdue...

...and we've passed the hat
six times...

...and fed him


But don't be impatient, sir.
It won't be too much longer.

Now, I want this to be
the biggest going-away party...

...the town has ever seen.

If it's a success, we'll make it
a regular weekly thing.

Are you really gonna
kick the bucket, T.C.?

No, Chooch.
But Dibble thinks so.

That's why he's financing
this project.

-You get the picture?
-Yeah, T.C.

As long as Dibble thinks
you might go any minute...

-...we live high on the hog.
-Right. All right, let's go.

Benny, you bring some records
for the party.

BENNY:
Right, T.C.

And you go get
some signs made, Spook.

You know, like, "Rest In Peace,
Top Cat," and all that jazz.

Right, T.C. baby.

TOP CAT:
Now, you get us some dates,
Fancy.

-One each ought to do.
-Gotcha, T.C.

Brain, you take care
of the formal invites.

Uh, the formal invites?
Uh, how do I do that?

Just put an "Open House" sign
at the entrance to the alley.

Yeah, but where do I get
the "Open House" sign?

Find an open house
and you got it made. Now blur.

Come to think of it, Chooch,
you better follow Brain.

Gotcha, T.C.

Now, where is that Dibble?

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Coming, T.C. Coming.
Hold on a little longer, pal.

You gotta be quicker, you know.
I might not be here next time.

Sorry, T.C.

I, uh, trust you arranged
for a good supply of food?

It could be my last meal,
you know.

Oh, it's all arranged, Top Cat,
but there's, uh, one thing...

...if you don't mind
my saying so.

You can speak freely with me,
Dibble. What is it?

Well, uh, it's been two weeks
now since your fatal accident...

...and I was, uh, well,
just wondering, that is....

You see, well--
Do you think it'll be
much longer?

Oh, Dibble, how could you?

DIBBLE:
Oh, forgive me, T.C.
I just lost my head.

Apologies accepted.
Now, let's get on
with the arrangements.

You may invite anybody you like
to this clambake...

...and let's have no more
of this silly prattle

about when and where.

It may be later than we think.

Let's live, live, live.
Right, Dibble?

I gotta hand it to Top Cat,
he's got courage.

Even wants me to invite
some of my friends.

Say, I know just the guy
to bring along.

Yeah. T.C. would like that.

A going-away party for Top Cat?
Where's he going?

You know, doc. You're the one
who said he'd only last a week.

Are you kidding, Dib?

I said that old clock
he offered me for my fee...

...would only last a week.

Top Cat is as healthy
as you are, and he knows it.

Why, that sneaky, low-down,
conniving, deceiving...

...no-good Top Cat!

[DRUMS BEATING]

How about this party, Benny?
Boy, ain't it a pip?

I'm thinking we ought to
hold one every week.

Sure thing, T.C...

...and get Dibble to order
more chicken next time.

This is delicious.

TOP CAT:
Better not eat too much, Benny.

We got some chop suey
with lychee-nut sauce
for dessert.

What kind of dancing
do you like best, Brain?

Uh, any kind,
especially these waltzes.

Gee, baby, you and I could make
beautiful music together.

[GIGGLING]

Let me take you away
from all this madness.

Come on, why fight it?
Slip me a kiss.

[CRASH]

Oh, boy, she's weakening.

Last time, she hit me
with her fist.

Hey, look at me, fellas.
Like, uh, no hands.

I wonder where Dibble is.
He should be here
with the chop suey by now.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[GULPS]

Uh-oh. Why, Officer Dibble.

You look positively nauseating.
Is something wrong?

[GROWLS]

TOP CAT: If you forgot
the chop suey,
think nothing of it.

Just give Benny the money and--

[ROARS]

All right, g*ng. Party's over.

Cowards. Dib, you got
that old gleam in your eyes...

...and I don't like it at all,
at all, at all.

Remember, I'm a very sick guy,
and we're great pals.

Aren't we, sir?

Me and the doctor
are great pals too, T.C.

In fact, I just had
a long chat with him.

You know what that means,
don't you, T.C.?

Yes, sir. I'll go quietly.

Just let me
get a few things together.

TOP CAT:
Now, where is that toothbrush?

Guess I better run
down to the store and get one.

You're not talking your way
out of this one, T.C.

Okay, boys.
Bring it down the alley.

TOP CAT:
I hate to pry, sir,
but what's happening?

You know that Hudson River
cruise you wanted, T.C.?

TOP CAT:
You mean..

Yeah. I'm gonna let you have it.

#Bon voyage,# Top Cat.

[LAUGHING]

[BLOWING]

CHOO-CHOO:
So long, Top Cat!

-Have a nice trip, chief!
-Good-bye!

SPOOK:
Like, aloha-hooey!

Well, it ain't exactly
the cruise I had in mind...

...and the accommodations
aren't what you'd call
first-class...

...but who's complaing?

At least this way,
I'll avoid the crowds.

[LAUGHING]

Nothing.

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief, he's a king,
But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪