01x24 - Choo Choo Goes Ga-Ga

[bunniefuu]

Keep together, men.
We got a long pull to the
penthouse.

[CRASH]

TOP CAT:
Nothing to worry about.

A room-to-room survey
for management.

Everything okay? Got enough
ice water? Good.

Back to your funny paper, sir.

Well, at least we're inside.

Now all we have to do is take
the elevator up to Lola's
penthouse.

-Going up?
-You're going up, all right.

For five to 10 years.

Wrong car, fellas. Am-scray.

Give up, T.C.!

You'll never get out of here
alive!

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief,
he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

Ah, good old Central Park.
This is what I call living,
fellas.

Throw out them chests.
Breathe in that fresh air.

Everybody, inhale.

Exhale.

In, two, three.

Out, two, three.

In, two, three.

[COUGHS]

It's too fresh, T.C.

Like, give me
some of that stale stuff
anytime.

Spook, I pity you.

No appreciation for the great
outdoors,
for the birds and the bees.

Uh, speaking of the birds and
the bees,
where are the girls, T.C.?

Yeah. You told us the park
would be loaded with chicks.

So far, all we've seen
are two pigeons.

And even them was boys.

Gentlemen, gentlemen...

...if I told you once,
I told you a dozen times.

All the action takes place
down by the lake.

Didn't I meet that cool-cat
schoolteacher
there last week?

A ring-a-ding-ding.

Oh, yeah. The one who kept
slapping your knuckles with a
ruler.

The same, Benny boy.
The very same.

But like I always say:

When it comes to love,
what's a few bruises?

Get ready, chicks.
Here come the swingers.

All right, girls, don't shove.
Just form a single line.

Huh?

SPOOK: Man, like,
if this is action,

I'd hate to be here
on an off day.

I don't get it.
There's nobody around.

Uh, maybe all the girls
got engaged or something.

Well, we might as well
go back to the alley, men.

There's always the pinup
magazines.

-Why don't we all go to the zoo,
T.C.?
-The zoo? The zoo, huh?

We're looking for dates with
girls,
not elephants.

-Goodbye, cruel world. Alas and
alack.
TOP CAT: Chooch.

Parting is such sweet sorrow.

They'll find me floating
sometime tomorrow.

Hey, Chooch, hold it.

And just where do you think
you're going?

Gosh, it's nice of you
to see me off, T.C.

-I'm touched.
-Oh, that's for sure.

You're not really jumping in
the lake, are you?

CHOO-CHOO:
That I am.

But before departing
for another world,

I'd like to request
one last favor.

What? You want I should
give you a shove?

No. But I'd be eternally
grateful...

...if you'd deliver this
farewell note to Lola Glamure.

Lola Glamure?
You mean the Hollywood siren?

So that's it.
Chooch has another crush going.

Last month it was
Marilyn Maroon.

Yeah, but he had to give her up.

She never acknowledged
the rubber plant he sent her.

Hey, listen to this:

"My dear Lola, ever since
I saw your latest picture...

...I cannot live without you."

Farewell, fellas.
A simple service will do.

Drop that rock, birdbrain,
and that's an order!

CHOO-CHOO:
Okay.

Yee-ow!

What are you, some kind of
a dimwit or something?

Get that boulder off my bunion.
Quick!

Sorry, T.C., I wasn't looking.

[TOP CAT SHOUTS]

There. Does that feel better?

"Does that feel better?"
Oh, boy.

No, you nitwit. I like rocks
resting on my big toe.

Another stupid question like
that and you won't have to jump.

I'll throw you in.

Go ahead, T.C. Without Lola,
life ain't worth living.

If I could only have
one date with her....

A date with Lola Glamure?
Are you kidding?

You'd have a better chance
running for president.

True. After all,
I'm a mere nobody.

-Will you pass me the rock,
T.C.?
-Okay, Chooch. I get the hint.

You want a date with Lola.
Okay, I'll get you a date with
Lola.

You mean it, T.C.? You mean it?
Boy, that's swell!

But, T.C., how can you get him
a date with Lola Glamure?

You never met her yourself.

Has something like that
ever stood in my way?

Where does she live?

Where all the movie stars stay,
at the Ritzy Plaza penthouse.

Good. We'll just drop in
for a little chat.

But first, let's get rid
of this, uh,

do-it-yourself drowning kit.

CHOO-CHOO:
Help! Help! I can't swim! Help!

Well, don't just stand there,
you guys.

Somebody jump in and pull him
out.

Where's your valor,
your courage,
your esprit de corps?

Okay, loser dives in.
I'll choose you, Brain.
Two out of three.

Uh, okay, I'll take evens.

FANCY: One for me.
One for you. Two for you.

That's the spirit, fellas.

And if you need me, I'll be back
in the alley, sprucing up a bit.

Okay, Top Cat.

Let's start over again, Brain.
Only this time, I'll take evens.

Hey, when are you guys
gonna save me?

Good afternoon,
Mademoiselle Lola.

It is time for your breakfast.

[YAWNS]

Darling, is it
afternoon already?

It seems like
I just went to bed.

Who was I out with last night?

Uh, the Texas millionaire.

No, no, no. That was Sunday.

Oh, I remember. It was
that cute little maharajah.

He wanted to give me
the Taj Mahal.

But I already have one,
don't I, darling?

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Three of them, I think.

And, uh, who sent me
this diamond necklace?

The Baron Hackamacker.
He delivered it himself
this morning.

Oh, how sweet of him to remember
my poodle's anniversary.

Here, darling. Put it
in the closet with
the other trinkets.

Nice boy, the baron.

It's a pity I missed
his birthday party.
Eighty-four candles.

[CRASH]

Oh, I am sorry.

Oh, that's all right, darling.
We must rent a vault.
Something cheap.

There we are, fellas...

...the millionaires' favorite
flophouse, the Ritzy Plaza.

And the home of Lola Glamure.

[GULPS]

Gosh, T.C., do you think
she'll like me?

Now, let's not get cold feet,
Chooch.

You're as good as going steady
with her as of this minute.

Like, uh, how do we cross
the hotel,
pops?

They're very class-conscious
here, and we ain't
in the same class.

Nonsense. It's all a matter
of bluff. Watch, I'll show you.

Hi, Mr. Ritzy.
Here, go buy yourself a yacht.

Hmm. A busted poker chip.

Do me a favor, pal,
and roust out
Miss Glamure for me, will you?

Tell her that Top Cat
is waiting in the lobby.

DOORMAN:
Out, you peasant.

Out!

[CRASH]

And stay out!

You can't do this to me.
I'm a taxpayer.

Why, I got a good mind
to call the cops.

Don't bother, T.C.
I saw the whole incident.

TOP CAT:
Why, Officer Dibble, sir.

And they say there's never
a cop around when you need one.

Boy, am I glad to see you.

You're gonna give that doorman
what he deserves, ain't you?

Right. A good-conduct medal

for putting you
right where you belong.

And I'm giving you a ticket
for littering the street.

Well, that's Dibble for you,
the tool of the rich.

He can be bought.
A few pennies here,
a few pennies there--

Knock it off, T.C.

I don't know what you're up to,
but keep out of the hotel.

I'm warning you.

How do you like that? Telling me
to stay out of the hotel.

Why, I'll have his job for that.

It's a cinch we can't meet Lola
if we can't get inside.

Better forget the whole thing,
Top Cat.

I guess maybe I can live
without seeing her. Maybe.

Nothing doing, Chooch.

You'll have a date with Lola,

even if we have to fly up
to her penthouse.

Hey, wait a minute. That's it.

That painter's scaffold
is our private elevator

to Miss Glamure's apartment.

Let me tell you, fellas...

...I've never seen
a better-looking group
of astronauts.

Everybody set for the countdown?

I don't know, T.C.

We ain't even off the ground
and I'm airsick already.

-You wanna meet Lola, don't you?
CHOO-CHOO: But not as an angel.

Well, just keep your eyes
closed. Here we go, men.

Five, four, three, two, one.
Hit the ropes.

First floor: household goods,
gentlemen's underwear,
surfboards.

Keep together, men.
We got a long pull
to the penthouse.

Room service, this is
Mrs. Frumply. Room 812.

I'd like some hot coa sent up
and some crackers.

Good day, madam.
Nice place you got here.

[SCREAMS]

Police! Help! Help!

-Nice lady, wasn't she?
-A doll.

Now let's go, Benny, pull.
At this rate,
it'll take us a month.

Straighten out! Straighten out,
lunkhead! We're off course.

Pull, Spook, pull.

SPOOK:
There goes the paint.

You say there's a lady
hollering for the police?

Yes. Mrs. Frumply.

[DOORMAN CHUCKLES]

She claims some invader
from Mars
flew up past her window.

Yes, ma'am, I'll be glad
to protect you.

But from what?
I don't see a thing.

Oh, I tell you, officer,
I saw him.

He zoomed by on a flying saucer
and threatened me.

If you say so, ma'am.

But take my advice
and stick to tea.

[SINGING]
#Hail, hail, the g*ng's all here

[SINGING IN UNISON]
#What the heck do we care?

#What the heck do we care?

#Hail, hail, the g*ng's all--

[YELLS]

-Gee, do you think we scared
him, T.C.?
-Maybe your singing did it.

Okay, back to the ropes, boys.
We got 15 floors to go yet.

I don't get this joint.

Everybody's seeing things
in the window.

First that lady...

...and now that character
who ran down the hall

draped in a bath towel.

Must be that rich food
that they eat here.

Hi, Dibble.

Now I'm seeing things too.

I know better, but I could swear
that was Top Cat.

Would you believe it?
For a moment,
I thought I saw Dibble.

No. Must be the altitude.

-Top Cat!
TOP CAT: Dibble!

I knew I couldn't have imagined
that face. Take off, fellas!

[CRASH]

TOP CAT:
Nothing to worry about.

Just a room-to-room survey
for the management.

Everything okay? Got enough
ice water? Good.

Back to your funny paper, sir.

Well, at least we're inside.

Now all we have to do is take
the elevator up to Lola's
penthouse.

-Going up?
DIBBLE: That's right, T.C.

You're going up, all right.
For five to 10 years.

Wrong car, fellas. Am-scray.

Come back here!
This is the law talking!

Give up, T.C.! You'll never
get out of here alive!

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

Imagine, a grown man
running a round
the halls, blowing a whistle.

Anyway, while Dibble is trying
out for the police-academy
track team...

...it'll give us a chance
to make a dash for the
penthouse.

Let's go.

Here it is, fellas.
Lola's suite.

CHOO-CHOO:
Mm.

What a delightful scent.

Must be her perfume, huh, T.C.?

[SNIFFS]

Yeah. Delicious.

Reminds me of my grandmother's
meatballs and spaghetti.

Okay, everybody ready
for the big pitch?

[CHOO-CHOO STAMMERS]

I'll wait out here, T.C.

Okay, lover boy,
I'll bring Lola out to you.

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

[DOOR OPENS]

What is the meaning of this?
Do you not see the sign?

Well, who's smoking?

You must go at once,
or I will call the manager.

Lola, no wonder
you're in the cinema.

That voice, those eyes,
those lips.

Oh, you have made a mistake.
I am Fifi, the maid.

Who is that funny-looking
gentleman, Fifi?

It's her. On your knees, fellas.
On your knees.

We are in the presence
of royalty.

Well, at least you know
your place, darlings.

And who may you be?

I am the president
of your fan club, Miss Glamure.

East Bronx division.

Oh, how simply flattering.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I have an important engagement.

Freeze. I mean, wait,
Miss Glamure.

I didn't tell you the surprise.

Surprise? You mean,
you brought me something,
darling?

A necklace? A diamond watch?
Some shares of AT&T? What is it?

He's outside.

Outside? Then it's
something big.

"He"? Who is he?

Today is your lucky day, Lola.

You see, the club held a raffle

and first prize
was a date with you.

The winner awaits his reward.

You expect me
to go out with him?

Well, no place fancy.

Maybe a drive-in movie.
Afterwards, you could
stop off for a pizza.

You can't be serious, darling.

Me, be seen
with somebody ordinary?

That's the most flattering thing
anybody ever said about
Choo-Choo.

Look, Lola, you don't have to
stay with him long.

If you wanna start off
by kissing him good night,
it's perfectly okay.

Excuse me, darling.
I'm very busy.

Oh, yes, and one favor.
On the way down,
use the freight elevator.

Freight elevator?

Well, just for that,
I'm disbanding
the Lola Glamure Fan Club.

All those in favor
of switching over
to Gina Lollapalooza say, "Aye."

BOTH: Aye!
-Don't you dare mention...

...that name around here.
I can't stand Gina Lollapalooza.

I don't blame you. She can act.

How dare you? Get out at once
or I call the police.

I don't think she likes us, T.C.

That is the understatement
of the year. But who cares?

It's Chooch I'm worried about.

Like, uh, he ain't around, pops.
I bet he heard all she said.

You're right.

And you know how sensitive
Chooch gets
this time of the year.

Let's find him, quick.

Yeah, like, he may already be:

Spook, wash your mouth
out with soap.

Come on, I just hope
we're not too late.

It's no use, fellas.
I heard everything.

Lola doesn't wanna go out
with me.

-Come on, train. I haven't got
all day.
-That's what you think.

These tracks haven't been used
for years.

I know, but I just thought
I'd have a dry run.

But, Choochie boy,
Lola only goes out
with the big-money crowd...

...like, uh, barons and bankers.

Yeah, and you ain't even got
a social security card.

Hey, I got it.
I know how to make
Lola go out with Chooch.

In fact, by the time
I'm through,
she'll be begging for a date.

-She'll beg him?
TOP CAT: Not only that...

...but she'll call for him
in the alley.

Let me see. First we contact
that novelty shop.

The one that prints up
those phony headlines.

Then I'll need a guitar,
a press camera.

The wheels are turning.
The wheels are turning.

Quiet! Now, Benny,
while the rest of us
are appropriating equipment...

...see that the count
stays out of trouble.

-The count?
-What count?

Oh, didn't I tell you?

Chooch's pedigree
just came through.

Fellas, meet Count Chooch.

[LAUGHS]

Who? Me?

You sure she'll show up, T.C.?

Positive. The stars all come
to the Ostrich Club to be seen.

And Lola ain't exactly
no shrinking violet.

That folk singer taken care of?

Yeah. I gave him the day off,
just like you said.

Good.

[CAR BRAKES SCREECH]

Uh-oh, Lola's here.
Get everybody alerted.

Good day, Miss Glamure.

Please, darling, no autographs.

-Have my car pick me up
in an hour.
-Yes, ma'am.

Gangway, everybody.
Make way for the press.

Hold it. Hold it.
How about a picture, please?

Certainly, darling. How is this?

TOP CAT: Oh, sorry.
I was expecting somebody else.

Anyone seen Count Chooch?

Count Chooch?
Who is this Count Chooch?

Oh, what a wit. Ha-ha-ha.
She never heard of Count Chooch.

-Ha-ha-ha.
-Count Chooch?

See? You see?
Everybody knows him.

He's the richest man
in the world.

This, uh, Count Chooch,
where is he from?

Monte Carlo, Palm Springs,
Paris, Jersey City. You name it.

Sure, you've watched him
at the gambling tables.

The go-for-broke count?

BENNY:
Extra! Extra! Read all about it!

Count Chooch buys Texas!

Playboy billionaire
dabbles in real estate!

Oh, that mad, impetuous boy.
All he really wanted was Dallas.

He owns Texas?

TOP CAT:
California's next.
Oh, where will it stop?

I would like to meet him,
darling. Could you arrange it?

Meet the count?
Well, I can't offer much hope.

He turned down a luncheon date
with Gina Lollapalooza
yesterday.

But I'll, uh, see what I can do
for you.

Pst. Pst.

Hey, T.C., when do I go
into my act?

Right now, Fancy.

Call for Count Chooch.

Count Chooch wanted
on the telephone.

Long-distance calling
Count Chooch.

There's that name again.

Yoo-hoo, darling,
come over here.

[SPEAKING IN FRENCH]

Tell me, sweetheart,
who is calling the count?

-Buckingham Palace, madame.
LOLA: Buckingham Palace?

Yeah. Her Majesty
wants to know...

...if the count can have
dinner there tomorrow night.

She said it was okay
to bring a date.

I must meet this Count Chooch.

I say, Aristotle,
shall we have the champagne?

Of course, my dear.

Wait till you taste it.
Excellent vintage.

Sacre Bleu, 1920.

Pardon the intrusion,
but did I hear
someone say Sacre Bleu, 1920?

Uh, yes. That's what
we're having.
Uh, is there something wrong?

Aha, just as I thought.
A phony label.

This isn't Sacre Bleu, 1920.
It's Gurgle Up, 1962.

We'll have to use this
as evidence.

See you in court
tomorrow morning.

Okay, Brain, don't drop it.
It's worth 100 bucks.

Uh, don't worry, T.C.
I'll be careful.

-Uh, Miss Glamure?
LOLA: Yes?

Uh, compliments of Count Chooch.

Champagne. And the finest
vintage.

Yeah, he buys it
by the shipload.
He gargles with it, you know.

-I must meet this Count Chooch.
-A sure physical impossibility.

-Uh, shall I open it, madame?
-Please do, darling.

[CORK SQUEAKS THEN POPS]

Oh, you clumsy.. You-- You--

You ruined my priceless Dior
gown.

Uh, sorry, the count
will replace it for you.

Uh, he's got gowns
he ain't even worn yet.

[GUITAR FOLK MUSIC PLAYS]

LOLA:
What is happening?

Oh, it's that new folk singer
from the Catskill Mountains...

...uh, Tom Tuttifrutti.

Howdy, folks.
For my first number...

...I'd like to do a song
that I recently recorded
for the Nowhere label.

[SINGING]
#This is a little ditty

#'Bout a man who owns
half of the city

#He's got diamonds
And rubies and pearls

[SPEAKING]
And for a hobby,
he telephones girls.

[SINGING]
#Count Choo-Choo,
Count Choo-Choo

#Count Choo-Choo,
Count Choo-Choo
Count Chooch

[APPLAUSE]

Thank you, music lovers.

The name of that song
was "Count Chooch."

Oh, I must meet this
Count Chooch, darling.

Please, where is he?
I must have a date with him.

A date with Count Chooch?

Wait a second.
I think he's got an opening.

Uh, how about a year
from Saturday night?

No, tonight.

Darling, please, tell him
to call for me
at the Ritzy Plaza.

TOP CAT:
You expect him to call for you?

Ha-ha. Not the count.

Oh, T.C., T.C.,
I gotta talk to you.

Benny, please.
Can't you see I'm laughing?

She wants Count Chooch
to call on her.

He ain't gonna be able
to call on anybody.

What are you talking about?

Chooch-- I mean, the count,
he's going to:

TOP CAT:
He's gonna sh**t himself?

Worse than that.
He's having it done for him.

[b*ll*ts CRASHING]

I can't wait any longer
for Lola.

I regret that I only have
one life.

Wait! Hold your fire, men!
He's one of us!

-It's no use, T.C.
-I got you a date with Lola.

Now, let's get out of here
before we look like
Swiss cheese.

You sure it's the right girl?
Lola Glamure?

You just wait in the alley,
Chooch.

I'll have her there
in 15 minutes.

She wouldn't come to the alley.

Wanna bet? Now, beat it.

I gotta call a pal of mine
at the airport.

But I never heard
of such a thing.
A count living in an alley?

Well, you know
these wealthy eccentrics.

Some wear sneakers with tuxedos.
Others get married once a week.

The count, he's just nuts
about alleys.

Well, I'm not, darling.

Lola Glamure does not
frequent alleys.

Okay, okay, have it your way.

[AIRPLANE BUZZING OVERHEAD]

Hey, look at that.

LOLA:
"Greetings from Count Chooch."

Oh, the darling.
I will go to him.
Take me to the alley.

Well, if you insist.
This way, Miss Glamure.

You'd never believe it,
but here we are
at the count's abode.

Oh, count, look who's here.

Uh, he's gone, T.C., uh,
but he left this note for you.

He probably had to dash down
to the White House or something.

I'll go see.

"Dear T.C...

...I'm sorry again,
but the excitement
of meeting Lola is too much.

I can't take it. So long, pal.
Signed, Chooch.

P.S. Hurry! I'm at the lake."

Oh, boy. Here we go again.

Goodbye again, cruel world.

LOLA:
Stop, darling. It's me, Lola.

It's her. Heaven can wait.

I told you I'd get you
a date with her.

Lola, meet the notorious
Count Chooch.

Hi, Lola.

[CHORTLES]

Wait. That laugh.

You're no count.
I've seen you before.

And you look familiar too.

I know. P.S. 158,
the third grade.

You're Gertrude Heffelmeier.

[IN BROOKLYN ACCENT]
And you're Choo-Choo.

You spent five years
in the third grade.

Gertrude Heffelmeier?
I've been taken.

If I'd known it was you,
Choo-Choo,

we could've gone out
a lot sooner.

[STAMMERS]

[IN EUROPEAN ACCENT]
Why didn't you tell me, darling?

Well, it, uh, slipped my mind,
Lola. I mean, Gertie.

All that work for nothing.

Uh, what are you gonna do, T.C.?

I'm gonna pick up
where Chooch left off.

So long, cruel world.

DIBBLE: Hold it, T.C. Hold it.
-Officer Dibble.

Take that rope off.
You ain't getting away
that easy.

Come on, Dibble.
Can't I even drown in peace?

Forget the lake.
You're going up the river.

Now, throw that rock away.

-Yeah, but-- But-- But--
-That's an order, T.C.

Throw away the rock, huh?
Okay, you're the law.

[DIBBLE SCREAMS]

Oh, your uniform, sir.
I hope it's Sanforized.

I'll get you for this, Top Cat!
I'll see that you get 10 years!

Oh, ain't that a shame, sir?

They must've given you
one of the surplus models.

Arrivederci, Dibble.

I'll get you down
if it takes all night!

Attaboy, Dibble.
You need the exercise.

Harder, boy. Harder.
Come on, now.

Let's keep up a steady beat,
shall we?

Let's melt off
that extra weight.

One, two. One, two, three.
One, two. One, two, three.

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief, he's a king,
But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪