01x26 - The Con Men

[bunniefuu]

Brain! Watch out! Look out!

Hey, wait!

Uh, I'll sure be glad when Top
Cat gets one of them automatic
pinsetters.

♪ Top Cat! ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat! ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat! ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat! ♪

Any luck, Top Cat?

Patience, Benny, patience. Aha!

Almost that time. Come to Papa.

There's something shiny over
there, way down.

I know, I know,
but I'm after the big one first.

Easy does it.
Nearer, nearer. Ah!

BENNY: You got it!
-Naturally, after years of
practice...

...you develop a knack,
which now pays off.

How do you like that?
Only a bottle top.

Oh, tough luck, T.C.
I was sure it was a nickel.

Obviously, this hole has been
fished out.

So it would seem we ain't
got the price of a meal.

I don't know why the government
doesn't restock these places.

Speaking of the government,
here comes Officer Dibble.

-Dibble?
-He doesn't approve of this!

Where are we gonna hide?

[WHISTLING]

Hey, look, fellas. I see a big
moose.

Very funny. Very funny.

Oh, Officer Dibble,
I didn't see you.

Yeah, I know. I hiked up
the other side of the mountain.

You guys mooching around again?

Mooching? Oh, you wrong us, sir.

I am merely conducting our
regular Thursday guided tour.

"Know your city"
and stuff like that there.

Now, if you gentlemen
will step this way.

Note the fine, clean lines
of that telephone pole...

...early Alexander Graham Bell
circa the turn of the century.

All right now, let us move
along. Chinatown next.

A guided tour, huh?
And what would you call this?

Gently, Dibble, gently.
That's a priceless antique.

The bullwhip from Professor
Hugo's original flea circus.

Is that right? And I suppose the
fleas used to chew on this
bubblegum?

Only between meals, when they
weren't chewing on Professor
Hugo.

Sure, sure, I get it.
Fishing for nickels, huh?

Why don't you guys ever go to
work and earn money?

But we can't.

We have pledged not to
contribute to the wage-price
spiral.

Baloney. The trouble is you
birds don't have any ambition.

Now, look. Look over there.
That's what I mean.

Two fellas going into business
for themselves.

They'll amount to something.

BENNY: "Invest your money here!"
What's it mean?

That's their business, handling
money.

It shows that some people still
believe in success through hard
work.

Isn't that wonderful?

Why don't you try it yourself?
Be a go-getter for a change.

But I can't stand here yakking.
I'm on guard duty with the
armored car.

And here it comes.

Inside there is a million-dollar
payroll. Money for guys who
work.

But that's a word
you jokers wouldn't understand.

A million clams, huh?

Oh, uh, by the way, Dibble,
since you're going downtown...

-...could you give me a lift?
-A lift?

-Of all the--
-I know what you're gonna say:

"Too crowded in front."
But I don't mind. I'll just hop
in back.

DIBBLE: Sorry, chump. No riders.
Okay, Charlie, let's go.

Hold it, hold it!
My line's caught!

Same old story. It's always
the big ones that get away.

Hey, T.C. Look! A real nickel!

TOP CAT: We can't get it.
The chewing gum's stale.

So why don't we buy more gum?

Because we don't have a penny.

Wouldn't it be nice to have
money? Just a little change for
a change?

BENNY:
Yeah, then we could buy some
lunch.

Relax, men.
Something will come along.

MAN: Red-hots. Come and get
your red-hot hot dogs here.

Behold, gentlemen. Here comes
lunch. Curb service, so to
speak.

Red-hots, red-hots.
Come and get your red-hots.

-Man, that odor is, like,
beautiful.
-Delicious!

There is all the food we want.

One slight detail, man. We still
have no dough-re-me to buy
anything.

Details, details. Mere details.

Just give me a microsecond
with yonder vendor.

MAN:
Red-hots. Red-hots here.

[TOP CAT CLEARS THROAT]

Doesn't seem to be
any taxicabs around.

-There'll be one come by and by.
-Well, I hope so.

I have a very important meeting
at the advertising agency.

Maybe you like something to eat
while you wait, eh?

A number one, very good red-hot
dog, frankfurter wienie?

No. No, thanks, my good man.

I, uh.... I just had a very
big lunch at the club, you know?

-Some other time?
-No, like I always say...

...there is nothing
as tasty as a hot dog...

...with the mustard
on the bottom, of course.

"Of course." Huh? What--?
What do you mean on the bottom?

Well, that's the latest thing.
Mustard on the bottom of the hot
dog.

And the public wants it--
Wants it that way...

...according to our agency's
survey.

Now, let me see.
I gotta get this straight.

-You say people--
-I'll prove it to you.

One Special, mustard on the
bottom.

And one old style, or Brand X,
as we say in the ad game.

Now observe.

Oh, uh, pardon me, sir. You,
sir.

-Who, me, sir?
-Yes, you, sir.

Would you assist us in a test
of the nation's eating habits?

I'd be glad to.

TOP CAT: Okay. Which one of
these hot dogs tastes better?

MAN:
Hey, the boy's got a good
appetite.

Well, sir, what is the verdict?
An anxious nation awaits.

I found the first definitely
superior. It had rich,
full-bodied aroma...

...plus locked-in goodness.
TOP CAT: Fine, fine.

-And it didn't upset my stomach
either.
-Yes. Well, thank you, sir.

Believe me, I've never seen my
sheets so white before.

Fine. Thank you, sir, thank you.
Your opinion has helped us
greatly.

That is one vote for the
Special. Now, who's next?

You, sir. Obviously a gentleman
of taste and discrimination.

Would you favor us by
participation in a point-of-sale
marketing analysis?

I could eat a horse.

Yes. Well, here you are, sir.
The Special versus Brand X.

Fire one.

Fire two.

Now, tell us, sir,
what is your preference?

Frankly, I prefer hamburgers.

Ha-ha-ha. Yes. Oh, well,
there's one in every crowd.

He meant the Special, of course.
Now, who's next?

Hot dogs, she's all gone.
How did we make out?

Twenty to 5 in favor
of mustard on the bottom.

Very valuable to know.
That alone should double your
business.

-There's just one thing.
-No, no, no. No thanks and no
charge.

Glad to do it. Please don't
grovel, I must be running.

Only one thing I have to say,
Top Cat.

The joke is on you.

Huh? How's that?

All this trouble you go to
completely unnecessary.

-I laugh. Ha-ha-ha!
-Ha-ha-ha.

Maybe you'd better get in some
shade. The hot sun is too much
for you.

This whole thing to double my
business, but don't have to
double business...

...because I gonna quit next
week.

I have $1,000.

I going home, see Mama and Papa
in old country.

TOP CAT: You mean you have
all that money with you?

MAN: Sure. Now, excuse me.
I'm going to the bank now.

One thousand dollars!
You heard that, B.J.?

Yeah, J.B. Nice fellow that
Tony.

Oh-h*. One of the finest.

A fellow like that should make
some wise investments.

Like that zircon mine in
Patagonia?

-Perhaps that oil well in Nova
Scotia.
-Just the ticket.

-He did say 1,000, didn't he?
-Right.

We better hurry
before he gets to the bank.

I got some more gum
if you want to go fishing, T.C.

[BOWLING PINS CLATTERING]

Forget it, Benny.
I gotta do some quiet thinking.

Somebody sure bowls a fast ball.

Quiet over there! I'm thinking!

Sheesh! Who needs a bowling
alley right next door, anyway?

Now, let me see. Where was I?

Hey, an idea just hit me!

I thought it was a bowling ball.

Sure. I'll cut Tony in as a
partner in my African game
project.

What African game project?

It's an idea I've been kicking
around for years. I'll show you.

You take a zebra.
Stripes running up and down,
right?

Cross him with a tiger.
Stripes running side-to-side,
right?

Combine them both and there you
are:

Genuine leather checkerboards.

-Let us have that again.
TOP CAT: I tell you, it can't
miss.

To start off, we'd have to find
us a real nearsighted tiger...

...and a partner with say,
$1,000.

Come on. Let's head him off
before he does anything foolish
at the bank.

Tell me again, T.C. I don't get
it.

Not now, Choo Choo. You can
listen in when I make my pitch
to Tony.

See you later, Tony.

B.J.:
Yeah, it was nice talking to
you.

Hey, those are sure nice fellas.

[LAUGHS]

Well, Tony, this is a surprise.
Imagine bumping into you here.

And you're just the one
I was looking for too.

Sorry, Top Cat. Hot dogs all
gone.

No, no, no, no, Tony.

I wanted to talk to you
about something big, big, big!

I am gonna let you in on the
ground floor of a deal that
can't miss.

-A thousand dollars should swing
it.
-But, a thousand--

-We take a zebra and a tiger--
-Yeah, but--

I know what you're thinking,
but it'll work.

We just have to find a real
spunky zebra.

-But the $1,000--
-It's a natural. Using wild
game...

...for a tame game.
You know what I mean?

Now, about the $1,000.

I'm trying to tell you.

I am already in on the ground
floor of an oil well in Nova
Scotia.

I give them the $1,000 for one
share of Wildcat Oil Company.

Wildcat Oil Company?

Sure. I pay 1,000, and the next
week is worth 3,000. Ha, ha!

Oh, boy, I'm gonna be one big
man back in old country.

Well, I see you later, Top Cat.

Yeah, sure. So long, Tony.

I never heard of Wildcat Oil.

It's for oiling squeaky
wildcats. Please, don't bother
me, Chooch.

All right, now, quiet while I
sh**t. I think better when I'm
moving.

Nice shot, T.C.!

-Right in the pocket!
-Beautiful.

Boy, to think Tony would fall
for a gimmick like that.

I just can't get over it.

I hope this is the last game.
I'm running out of milk bottles.

Well, we ain't gonna just
sit idly by while Tony gets
taken.

-You ready, Brain?
-Yeah, one more, T.C.

We're just gonna have to figure
a way to get Tony's money back
for him.

Brain, watch out! Look out!

Hey, wait!

Uh, I'll sure be glad when Top
Cat gets one of them automatic
pinsetters.

Why don't we just go
take the money back?

I'll get the big guy.

I'll hit him right with a left,
then a right.

Then an airplane spin,
get him good and dizzy.

Then comes the old body slam..

How did I do, T.C.?

Oh, fine, fine. You k*lled him.

But forget the violence.
You ain't on TV, you know.

In a situation like this,
we gotta use the old brain.

But-- But I don't know
how to fight. I--

Not you, birdbrain.
This brain!

All right, now, gather around,
men. Old Top Cat has a plan.

Now, this is what we're gonna
do.

-I hope it works, T.C.
-It will, it will.

Take a look, Choo Choo...

...and see if Dibble's
loading up the armored car yet.

He's just now going into the
bank, T.C.

BENNY: Are you sure it'll work,
T.C.?
-It's worked before.

Didn't you ever read the story
#The Count of Monte-Cristo?

He got out of prison this way.

Gosh, it looks like a way
to get into prison.

TOP CAT: Never mind.
Have you got the knife, Benny
boy?

Right here, T.C.

TOP CAT: Pull the string on the
bag when I duck down, Choo Choo.

-Right, T.C.
TOP CAT: Now get set for the
rest.

You're all set, Dibble.
Now, don't lose any of that
money.

You've got thousands
in the back of your truck.

Are you kidding?
I never lost one red cent.

Go on back into the bank
and count your money.

There's always a first time,
wise guy!

If that rookie had been on the
force as long as I have...

...he'd know how to handle big
sums.

CHOO CHOO:
Hold it, Officer Dibble!

What the--?

DIBBLE: Get off the street, Choo
Choo! I almost ran over you.

But, Officer Dibble, it's my
duty as an honest citizen of
this fair land--

DIBBLE: Get out of my way!
CHOO CHOO: As you say, sir.

But before you go, would you
pick up the bag of money you
just dropped?

-What? Oh, my gosh!
-It's right behind the car, sir.

I'd never live it down if anyone
on the force found it out.

Thanks a lot.
Open the back of the car...

...will you, Choo Choo,
before anyone sees me?

CHOO CHOO:
My pleasure, sir.

Boy, this is a heavy bag.
I don't remember any--

TOP CAT:
Hey, hey, not so rough!

What was that? I heard a voice.

Uh, well, you know what they
say. Money talks.

DIBBLE: Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, thanks again, Choo Choo.

I won't forget this, I promise.

It's my duty as an honest
citizen of this fair land. And
what's more--

Okay, okay.

Gosh. I just don't understand
how that money got out.

I'm sure I closed the door.

But like the bank guard said,
there's always a first time.

[BAG RIPPING]

Boy, I need a vacation.
Now I'm hearing things.

Now I know what it's like
to feel like $1 million...

...but I was a bit cramped.

Now to put the second phase
of the operation into effect.

[DIBBLE HUMMING]

[IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]
Calling Dibble in Armored Car


Calling Dibble in Armored Car


Turn right on 6th Avenue.
Stop at 39th Street.

Roger!

Well, J.B., another day like
yesterday and we'll be in gravy.

Yeah, keep your eye open.

One born every minute,
you know.

Why, Officer Dibble.

Huh? Oh, it's you.
Where did you come from?

-And what's with the big hat?
-I have to watch the sun.

With my fair complexion,
I freckle so easily, don't you
know?

-Yeah, I bet.
-Oh, the sergeant was here.

Said to tell you to continue
on your regular route.

Why don't they make up their
minds?

Hold it, hold it. You know the
law. The pedestrian has the
right of way.

[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
Oh, by the way, the car's a
little dusty.

Have it washed.
The Castile soap, you know.

And, uh, tidy up the money
inside, lad.

If any of the bills are
wrinkled, just throw them away.

DIBBLE: Huh?
-I won't be needing you any
more...

...so why don't you take the
afternoon off and go to Europe,
you all.

DIBBLE: You have finally
flipped, T.C.! You really have!

Oh, uh, pardon me, gentlemen.
Is there a bank in the
neighborhood?

There's one a few blocks up the
street. We'd be glad to, uh,
drive you, sir.

The car is right here.

Well, this is right real
right neighborly of you.

B.J: Pardon me, sir, that
armored car, is that yours?

Oh, yeah. It's a great
convenience shopping.

I hate to carry money. Makes
bulges in the suits, you know
what I mean?

-Most folks back in Dallas have
one.
-You drove up from Texas?

Well, not exactly.
I took a plane to the garage...

-...and then I drove the rest of
the way.
-What are you shopping for?

Well, I thought I'd buy a few
golf clubs: Pebble Beach,
Hillcrest.

And then maybe a new yacht.

My old one, a 200-footer, got
lost somewhere in my swimming
pool.

Uh, would you be interested
in buying into some oil wells?

Oh, but I already have oil
wells.

J.B.:
These are in Nova Scotia.

Nova Scotia?
What part of Texas is that?

No, Nova Scotia is thousands of
miles from Dallas.

Oh, the northern part of Texas.

Well, I might be interested.
Here's my card.

Why don't you drop by my
city place in an hour. We'll
talk it over.

J.B.:
"Have money, will spend."

-Yes, sir! Be glad to.
B.J.: Count on us, sir.

Thank you very much
for the ride to the bank.

I want to talk to them about
getting some of my money
monogrammed.

We have hit the jackpot!

Right. He ought to be good
for a real shakedown.

Yes, sir. Looks like poor old
Tony...

...is gonna have some nice
company up there in Nova Scotia.

[LAUGHING]

Now, we just got one hour to
shape this place up shipshape.

Fancy, you clean. Spook, the
flowers. Benny, get a
typewriter.

Choo Choo, the uniforms.
Brain, the furniture.

Gee, can we do it in an hour?

Certainly, my hardies. Blur,
blur, blur. Wings are thy feet.

-But, gosh, Top Cat--
-It's the moment of decision.

Do we want other moochers moving
in and mooching in our
moocherie?

No. We must make a stand.

And most of all,
remember, it's not for us.

It's for Tony and all the zebras
in Africa.

So scramble, scramble, scramble.

Yep, that's the number, 182½.

-It should be around here
someplace.
-Well, I sure don't see it.

Hey, look, there it is.

Ah, guess it's sort of a
hideout, like most rich guys
have.

Come on. Let's make our pitch
and get away fast.

Right.

Pardon, sir. This is a private
area.

Uh, but we have an appointment.

Oh. I beg pardon, sir.

I shall announce you.
What is the name?

Rockefeller? Vanderbilt?

-It's J.B.
-And B.J.

Announcing a Mr. B.J. and a Mr.
J.B.

Won't you go in, please?

TOP CAT:
Hello, is this Athens, Greece?

Mr. Tropolis, howdy. This is
Tex. How's the shipping
business?

Good, good. Well, I want to rent
four of your ocean-going
tankers.

I'm having a little party,
I need them to bring
refreshments.

That's right. Four tankers.

Send two to Hawaii for pineapple
juice and one to England for
iced tea.

Yes, that's right. Fine.

Thanks a million.
No, make that a billion.

Well, well, come in, gentlemen.
Nice to see you.

Uh, have you decided anything
about the, uh, oil well?

TOP CAT: Oil well? Oil well?
Oh, yes, the oil well. I
remember.

It might be a nice present
for the chauffeur's birthday.

Can you gift-wrap it
and enclose a card saying--

Pardon, sir, but, uh,
we can't gift-wrap an oil well.

Not even with
some of the wide paper?

Oh, uh, pardon me. A bulletin
has just come in on my private
Teletype.

Let me see:
"Gas tank exploded in Brooklyn."

J.B.: I didn't hear anything
about it.
TOP CAT: It happened all right.

My private newswire
has never been wrong.

B.J.: Uh, but if there was
a gas tank expl*si*n, like...

...we would have heard it.

There it goes.

One of the secrets of
accumulating great wealth,
gentlemen...

...the priceless ingredient
of inside information.

Now, gentlemen,
what about this gold mine?

Oil well. Not gold mine.

Oh, yeah.
Never can keep them straight.

Shares are $1,000 apiece.
We have 20 shares left.

$20,000.

Thousand dollars a share, eh?
Well, that sounds fair enough.

I'll give you a check.
No. Better still...

...if you don't mind,
I'll give it to you in cash.

Uh, cash? No, we don't mind.
Do we, J.B.?

Not at all, B.J.

[BOWLING PINS CLANKING]

What's that noise?

Oh, well, that's just some of
the kids in the rumpus room.

We've tried to have them
take up bowling...

...because the polo ponies
were so hard on the Oriental
rugs.

B.J.:
Oh, yeah, of course.

Now, if you'll just excuse me,
I'll go get the cash.

Just make yourself at home
for a minute, gentlemen.

Hey, quite a layout.

Yeah. These Texas guys
sure know how to live.

[TELETYPE CLATTERING]

I wonder what the bulletin is
this time.

Well, it wouldn't hurt to take a
peek. No one's around.

B.J.:
Look. Just look. Do you see
that?

J.B.:
"Oil discovered in Nova Scotia."

B.J.:
Nova Scotia?

Hey, I wonder if it's anywhere
near that Wildcat Oil well.

J.B.:
"Yes, it is near the Wildcat Oil
well."

But I can't believe it.
I just can't believe it!

"Would I lie to you?"

It's gotta be true. We're rich.

I wonder what the shares will be
worth.

"Shares now worth 10,000."

Ten Gs apiece. Hey, we gotta
get that one back from Tony!

-B.J.: Hey, that's right.
-Okay, I found the money.

-Now, where are the shares?
-Uh-uh. Sorry, sir.

A slight mistake.
The shares are not for sale.

Not for sale? You mean,
I'm stuck with all this cash?

Perhaps some other time?

-Uh, we have to be going now.
-Right.

TOP CAT: Oh, by the way,
didn't I hear the Teletype?

Teletype? I didn't hear a thing.
Did you, B.J.?

Uh, sorry. I'm hard of hearing.

[LAUGHS]

Come on, g*ng.
Let's go watch the fun.

"Can I get out of here now?"

Sure, Benny. Come on with us.

BENNY:
Not so fast, fellas!

I was bent over so long,
I can't straighten up.

J.B.: Hey, Tony, wait!
B.J.: Hold it, Tony. Quick,
Tony, quick!

TONY: Quick? Oh, you want
the instant hot dog?

No. Tony, that share in the oil
well, we'll give you your 1,000
back for it.

-No, I don't think so.
-Why not?

You haven't seen
a newspaper, have you?

I just do what you say.

Not sell to nobody
for less than 3,000.

Even if I have to wait all day.

We gotta work fast.
Here comes old Texas moneybags.

-Uh, 2,000.
-Tony, I wonder if you'd give me
a--

B.J.:
All right, Tony. $3,000. Here.

Sorry, cowboy, you're too late.

I don't know what you're talking
about. All I want is a hot dog.

On credit, of course.
I don't have a dime.

Credit! Sure, anytime.
I make $3,000--

Hey, wait a minute, wait a
minute. Did he say credit?

Sure. If Top Cat never has a
cent, he's still my close pal.

Your pal?

Doesn't have a dime?

Oh, no. It finally happened.

We bought one of
our own no-good deals.

We're wiped out! Broke!

Hey, Tony, you better make that
three hot dogs on credit.

Okay, bright boy.
How about a knuckle sandwich?

Wonderful, wonderful.

But first we must take our
constitutional. Shall we say
once around the block?

Why, you little wise..

And now for the moment of truth!
Ha, ha!

#Toro!# Ooh, ooh! #Toro!
Toro, toro.

Boy, are you gonna get yours!

#Ol\!

Oh, I hope you didn't
break your watch, sir.

No, it's still working fine.

My, I see it's 3:00.
Officer Dibble is due here any
second.

The cops? Here?

Yep, there he comes. Good old
blue boy, right on time.

-Let's get out of here, B.J.!
-I'm with you!

DIBBLE:
Hey, wait a minute, fellas!

I wanted to talk to them.

I understand they did
pretty good for you, Tony?

Good? #Mama mia!#
Look, they tripled my money!

I go to old country now.

No, kidding? I hope they come
back.

I got a little dough I'd like to
invest, about 1,000 bucks.

Well, I don't think you'll see--
Did you say 1,000 bucks?

DIBBLE: Yeah, but if they're
not--
-I can't be greedy.

It's just not fair
keeping this all to myself.

-Keeping what?
-It's absolutely foolproof.

Come, let's take a little walk
and I'll tell you all about it.

[TOP CAT MUTTERING]

Africa?

Tigers?

Zebras!

Top Cat strikes again!

[LAUGHING]

♪ Top Cat! ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat! ♪

♪ Who's intellectual closefriends get to call him T.C. ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top Cat! ♪

♪ The indisputable leader
of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss, he's a pip,
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat! ♪