01x29 - Griswald

[bunniefuu]

Men, this is it. Act 1, Scene 1.

Hello. Uh, this is
Sergeant Murphy calling.

I'm down at Dibble's beat.
Did he call in?

[GROWLING]

He didn't, huh? Well, thanks.

Griswald, Griswald, wait!

It's okay. It's me,
Sergeant Murphy.

Yeow!

Help! Get that crazy
mixed-up mutt off of me!

[SERGEANT YELLING]

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ The indisputable
leader of the g*ng. ♪

♪ He's the boss he's a pip
he's the championship. ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief
he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top Cat ♪

Play ball!

Come on, Brain, baby.

Let's groove one
right down the middle.

Uh, the middle of what, T.C.?

TOP CAT:
Never mind. Just pitch the ball,
will you?

Oh, yeah, sure.

I, uh-- I hate to interrupt
the pregame festivities...

...but would you mind
throwing the ball?

Uh, I was just winding up
for my slow ball.

Better watch this. It's tricky.

Maybe, uh, you should call it
your snail ball.

Nope, not my type.

-Uh, strike one, T.C.
-Strike one?

You seem to forget
who got you...

...this umpire job
in the first place, Chooch.

Attaboy, Brain.
You got him rattled.

Now let's have the old fastball.

Okay. Here goes the fastball.

Strike two!

Okay, Brain, forget the
strong-arm stuff. Just make
with a decent pitch.

What's the matter
with those guys?

They know it's against the law
to play ball in the alley.

Here comes a good one, T.C.

Beat it, you guys. Scram, or
I'll lock up the bunch of you.

And you, T.C.,
give me that bat and scram!

TOP CAT:
Uh-oh!

The ball is heading
for the window.

So long, Officer Dibble.
I'll-- I'll see you around.

[LOUD CRASH]

DIBBLE:
Oh, boy, it's Tony.

That's right, Officer Dibble.
It's me.

Well, uh, it ain't
like it looks, Tony.

Uh, now,
there was this ball game, see...

...and I, uh-- Well, I tried to,
That is, I, uh..

Here's your ball,
Officer Dibble.

Uh, uh, uh, thanks, Tony.

Sheesh! Next thing you know,
Mickey Mantle will give out
traffic tickets.

Boy, how embarrassed
can you get?

Wait till I lay
my hands on Top Cat.

[PHONE RINGING]

All right, I'm coming.
Hold your horses.

Officer Dibble speaking.

Oh, hello, sarge. What's up?

Okay. I'll be right down.

I wonder what the sergeant
wants to see me about.

-You wanted to see me, sarge?
-That's right, Dibble.

Uh, you have been selected
as the pigeon...

...eh, the patrolman, to try out
the commissioner's latest
experiment...

...in crime prevention.

Oh, no. Don't tell me
old Sherlock Holmes...

...has another brainstorm.

Watch it, Dib. That's
our boss you're talking about.

Uh, sorry, sarge.
Uh, what is it this time?

-Dogs.
-Dogs!

SARGE:
Yeah. Police patrol dogs.

That's a hot one.

I always said the 13th Precinct
was going to the dogs.

DIBBLE:
Get it? "Going to the dogs."

How would you like
to pound a beat, Dibble?

DIBBLE:
But I am pounding a beat, sarge.

With your head?
Now, look, Dibble...

...the commissioner wants us
to give this experiment a
two-week try...

...and you're assigned
to work with that...

...highly-trained pure
mongrolian police hound.

[SNICKERING]

Personally, I think dogs
are for the birds.

But, like the commissioner
says...

don't knock it if you haven't
got another job offer.

Well, yeah, uh, sure, sarge.

SARGE:
Okay, Griswald. Attention!

Come here, boy, on the double.

Dibble, meet Griswald.

Uh, hi, Griswald.

[SNICKERING]

As you can see, Dib...

...Griswald is the
anxious-to-make-the-grade
type...

...very conscientious and eager,
a real badge polisher.

He also has a keen sense of duty
and can spot a criminal a mile
away.

Observe the wanted poster
on the bulletin board.

[GROWLING]

Amazing!

You know, the commissioner
may have something this time.

I think I can really use
Griswald on my beat.

Good. He's all yours
for two weeks.

I'll be checking with you, Dib.

Boy, wait till that wise guy
Top Cat runs into Griswald.

Thank you.

Well, tough as nails, too.

Now, one of the first things
you gotta learn...

...is to heed the command
of a superior officer. In this
case, me.

-Understand?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, let's try it. Double time.

March! Hup, two, three, four.
Hup, two, three, four.

Hup, two, three, four.
Detail halt!

Very good, Griswald.
You're gonna do just great.

Now let's get down to the alley.

Here we are, Gris,
the scene of the crime...

...hangout of Top Cat
and his pals.

And this is your
first assignment.

Nobody but me
uses this phone. See?

It's your job to guard
this important link with
headquarters.

-Understand?
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I have here a picture
of the biggest offender:

Top Cat himself.

So rember that face.

[GROWLING]

I got to make my rounds now,
Griswald. You have your orders.

Carry on. I want to hear
a good report when I get back.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

[TOP CAT SINGING]

Okay, you guys,
take five while I take 40.

Winks, that is.

-It's my nap time.
-Right, T.C.

TOP CAT:
I need quiet, peace,
tranquility. You know
what I mean?

CHOO-CHOO:
Sure, T.C. You need your rest.

TOP CAT:
I am not to be
disturbed by anyone.

Now put me down easy.
Easy, that's it. Easy.

-Are you ready, T.C.?
-Gently, Chooch.

Gently, gently, gently, I say.

Oh, boy, I should
replace those jokers.

All right, now, beat it. Return
that ladder, and set my alarm
for 6:00.

I want to be alone.

[SNICKERING]

[RINGING LOUDLY]

Oh, come on, come on
with the ringing already.

How can a guy sleep?

Okay, okay, just a minute.
I'm coming.

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
This is a recording.

You have dialed
the wrong number.

Please check the yellow pages
in your phone book.

[BARKS]

[NORMAL VOICE]
Yeow!

I knew if I answered the phone,
someone would put the bite on
me.

[SNICKERING]

Get off of my back. Will you?

All right. What's all the
yelling about?
What's going on here?

Officer Dibble, sir,
arrest this mutt.

as*ault with a deadly weapon,
vagrancy, et cetera, et cetera,
et cetera.

-I'll sign the complaint.
-Just a minute, Top Cat.

Let's see what Griswald
here has to say.

Griswald? Griswald?

Okay, Gris.
Let's have your report.

[SNARLING]

Oh, using the phone again, huh?
And don't deny it.

-Griswald caught you right in
the act.
-That ain't the only place he
caught me.

[SNICKERING]

So laughing boy is your
stool pigeon, eh, Dibble?

For your information, wise
guy...

...Griswald just happens to be
a very highly-trained police
dog.

Really? Well, he sure
could have fooled me.
What does he train, fleas?

DIBBLE:
Okay, Mr. Know-It-All.
Watch this.

Griswald, attention!

Play dead.

Roll over.

Now point.

Attention!

Oh! I'm impressed.
I really am impressed...

...but what does he do
for an encore, wave bye-bye?

[MUTTERING]

Very funny, T.C.,
but I'm warning you...

...no more fancy operations
around here, see.

No card games, no gambling,
no nothing...

...because Griswald is gonna
stick to you like glue.

[SNICKERING]

Oh, come on, now.
Get off of me, you nut.

You better wise up, Top Cat.

One false move and you'll
spend the next 30 days in jail.

I get the message, sir.
Loud and clear.

DIBBLE: So long, Griswald.
Keep up the good work.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, Happy Harry,
looks like I'm stuck with you.

[SNICKERING]

Hey! Look up there.

You don't see many of
them around anymore, huh?

How do you like that? All I want
to do is grab a little shuteye.

And I got to spend the day
shaking Dibble's prot\g\.

Yeah, that ought to do it.
I hate to hurt the poor mutt's
feelings...

...but he's playing
with the big boys now.

[GRISWALD SNICKERING]

Very funny, very funny

Let's try that once more, huh?
All together now. Go!

[SNICKERING]

Oh, boy, there must be
a way to beat this.

Let me see. One dog, me,
add two, divide by seven...

...plus the square root
of a hatband times six.

Of course, that's it.
Eh, Griswald, you win.

I mean, why should I fight it?
You're too smart for me.

Well, I mean, with all
those cute tricks you do...

...the play dead, roll over,
et cetera, et cetera.

I was just wondering, Gris.
Would you mind doing them once
for me?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

TOP CAT:
You will? Oh, you're too,
too kind.

What a fine man-- Uh, dog.

Now, let me see. How does it go?
Oh, yeah, I give the command.

Play dead. Marvelous.
What realism.

Now roll over.

Point. Sit up.

Now jump into the can.

Okay, Mack. Take her away.

There. Now that smiley's gone,
we can resume business as usual.

Right this way, please.

Seating to the left.
I'll collect admission inside.

You're gonna
serve hot dogs, T.C.?

For a slight fee,
I'll serve filet mignons.

[GRISWALD GROWLING]

CHOO-CHOO:
Yikes! Gangway!

CAT 1:
Let me out of here!

CAT 2:
Keep moving, g*ng, keep moving.

Oh, no. It's him!

[BARKING]

What a break. He's out cold.

I gotta move fast.

[TOP CAT SINGING LULLABY]

Okay, cabby,
take this mutt over to Jersey.

And hurry.
Could mean a big tip for you.

Well, that takes
care of funny boy.

Maybe now I can relax.

[SNICKERING]

Oh, boy, here we go again.

[GROWLING]

Yeah, good, good, good police
work, Griswald. Splendid.

I'll-- I'll-- I'll put in
a good word to Dibble for you.

Now, will you beat it?

All right.
Let's get it over with.

[GRISWALD GROWLING]

Yeow!

Oh, boy. How can I get
this kid off my back?

Hey, T.C., what are you doing
with the fishing pole?

Well, it's like this, Benny.

These days, everyone must do
his part to cut down inflation.

Inflation?

TOP CAT:
That means overproduction.

In this case, it's
our patriotic duty...

...to cut down on the
overproduction of pizza pies.

Uh-oh! I think I got something.

Ooh. It's-- It's a big one. Must
be the combination special with
anchovies.

Uh-oh.

How about this spot, man, huh?
Griswald will never find us
here.

I got to hand it to you, T.C.

You picked a great place
for a card game.

Sheer genius.
That's what it was.

Well, it's the least to expect
from your beloved leader.

Take it from me, nothing short
of a frogman will find us here.

[BOTH YELLING]

Hey, what gives you with you
guys? Where are you going?

As far away as we can.
See you later, T.C.

Yeah, tomorrow, maybe.

Tomorrow-- Tomorrow?
What kind of mutiny is this?

Don't tell me. I know, Griswald
is back in town.

[SNICKERING]

Gee! You mean,
a puppy dog for my very own?

Well, he ain't
exactly no pup, kid...

...but he's all yours if you
just take him off my hands.

-How much you give me?
TOP CAT: Give-- Give you?

-What are you, a con man or
something?
-No.

Well, all right, kid.
Here's your money.

The dog is in the alley, kid.

Oh, boy! My own puppy dog.

You know, I like that kid's
style. He's got a lot of class.
I'm gonna keep an eye on him.

Come on, puppy dog.
We're going home.

Hey, Pop, look what I got.

Can I keep him?
Can I keep him, please, can I?

And that's that.

[CHUCKLING]

POP: How many times
I gotta tell you, no more dogs.

Well, I believe in togetherness,
but this is ridiculous.

[SNICKERING]

All right, you guys,
I want to see some hustle.

Get in here on the double.
Hup, hup, hup. hup.

Uh-oh!

[CRASHING]

-You called, T.C.?
-Yeah. What took you so long?

We couldn't find a cab.

All right, on your feet. We got
problems. So I'm calling an
emergency session.

Dibble's stooge Griswald...

...has been busting up things
around here to a fare-thee-well.

So this is going to be
Operation Elimination.

His elimination.

The meeting is now open
for brilliant suggestions as to
how.

Eh, why don't we send him off
to Alaska or something?

Oh, sure. All we got to do
is get him to crawl...

...into a special delivery
package. Forget it.

Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute. Why not?

Okay, men, let's try it.
Brain, you get me a box.

Eh, a box of what, Top Cat?

Just an empty box, jughead.
Now move.

Benny, dig up some airmail
stamps. Chooch, a pencil
and some string.

Let's move, men.
Blur, blur, blur.

I hear Alaska's real cool
this time of the year.

[LAUGHING]

-Brain, Chooch, you know what to
do?
-Oh, sure, T.C.

-Benny, you want another
rehearsal?
-No. I know what to do.

TOP CAT: Now, the rest of you
guys watch your leader in
action. Here goes.

Hello, operator, this is
Top Cat. Give me Miami Beach,
Florida...

...and reverse the charges.

[GROWLING]

Steady, men.

Nice work, Brain. Hurry it up.
He's got a plane to catch.

"To whom it may concern,
Nome, Alaska."

Beautiful. Beautiful.
A job well done, men.

[MAN WHISTLING]

[GROWLING]

You were brilliant, fellas.
Absolutely dazzling.

And now that Griswald is gone--

GRISWALD:
Yah!

Correction, now that Griswald
is back, we can start all over
again.

[SNICKERING]

Yeah, sarge. The patrol dog
experiment is working out great.

Griswald has been a great
success...

...and I haven't had a complaint
about this alley in days.

He's very efficient,
bright, alert, cautious...

...and he's always got an eye
over the shoulder for trouble.

DIBBLE:
What's that?

You'd like to see him in action?
That's a swell idea, sarge.

Come on down.
Yeah, 3:00 will be fine.

Sure. Bring the commissioner
and his wife.

They'll be proud of Griswald.

DIBBLE: So long.
-What is this?

The sergeant and the
commissioner coming here
to see Griswald?

Mmm. I ought to be able to do
something about that. I got it.

Get Dibble out of the picture
and Griswald does the rest.

I hate to spoil the mutt's
fine record, but this is w*r.

Brain, what time you got?

Eh, let me see. If the little
hand is straight out...

...and the big hand is straight
up, it must be, uh..

Uh..

-It's almost 3:00, T.C.
-Uh, yeah, almost 3:00.

How do you like that? Only guy
in the group with a watch and he
can't tell time.

Okay, quiet, you guys.

[DIALING PHONE]

[IN SQUEAKY VOICE]
Hello? Is this Officer Dibble's
beat?

Well, listen closely.
This is a hot tip.

TOP CAT [OVER PHONE]:
#If you want something big,
really big...

#...be at First and Jackson
Street in five minutes.

First and Jackson?

#Yeah, Big Jake and his mob
are gonna pull a job.

I can't talk anymore.
I'm being watched.

Boy, I been waiting for years
for a tipster to give me a line
on that mob.

Griswald, watch the phone
while I check this out.

-Don't let anyone use it.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah.

[CAR BRAKES SCREECHING,
THEN DOOR CLOSING]

Do you want us to wait, sarge?

No, no, you go get the
commissioner and his wife.

And step on it. I told him
we would pick him up at 3.

OFFICER:
Right, sarge.

This could be the dawn of
a new era in police work...

...a patrol dog on every beat.

Who knows? This might
even make cops obsolete.

Dibble, oh, Dibble!
Where are you?

Oh, boy. That's great.
He ain't here...

...and the commissioner is on
his way.

How am I ever going
to explain this?

I better call the station
and see if he checked in.

Men, this is it. Act 1, Scene 1.

Hello. Uh, this is
Sergeant Murphy calling.

I'm down at Dibble's beat.
Did he call in?

[GROWLING]

He didn't, huh? Well, thanks.

[GRISWALD GROWLING]

Griswald, Griswald, wait-- Wait!

It's okay. It's me,
Sergeant Murphy.

Yeow!

Help! Help! Get that crazy
mixed-up mutt off of me!

Help! Help!

If I get to lay my hands on the
wise guy that phoned that phony
tip in--

Dibble, where you been?

What's going on,
and what's wrong with that dog?

Who, Griswald?

-What do you mean?
-I mean, he's supposed to be on
our side...

...and he just bit me
while I was on the phone.

DIBBLE: Griswald bit you?
-Yeah.

And the commissioner and his
wife are due here any minute...

...to watch
that kooky mutt perform.

Oh, my gosh.
There's the commissioner now.

I don't understand, dear.

Sergeant Murphy and this officer
were supposed to be here...

...to show us that dog.
I'd better call in.

Do something, Dibble. Quick!
That dog doesn't fool around.

Commissioner, hold it!

Hello, uh, Headquarters?

Ouch!

Help! Help!

I hate to sound nosy...

...but what's the meaning
of this, officer?

Help! Oh, help! Please help!

My husband is being attacked
by a saber-toothed tiger.

-Oh, help!
-It's my wife.

Hold it, lady.
Don't use that phone!

Help!

[GRISWALD BITING]

[SNICKERING]

Ooh! That smarts!

Well, men, it was a good idea...

...but I'm afraid I'll have
to call off the experiment.

Sorry, Griswald,
but that's show biz.

Uh, police biz.

Don't feel bad.

Lots of guys don't make it.

Maybe there's an unemployment
office for dogs somewhere.

COMMISSIONER: Um, nothing
personal, you understand...

...but for obvious reasons...

...the department can't use you.

Too bad. A nice pup like
Griswald is left homeless...

...while down at the alley an
operator like Top Cat has it
real soft.

Huh?

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

[SNICKERING]

Well, lights out, you guys.
We got a big day tomorrow.

With laughing boy out of
the way, we got lots to do:

bingo, card games, snooker,
et cetera, et cetera, et cetera.

-Good night, T.C.
TOP CAT: Night, Benny.

-Sweet dreams, Top Cat.
TOP CAT: Sweet dreams, Chooch.

Eh, I hope I have some, too.

Boy, what a day. Uh!

Call me at 10, fellas. Night.

[GRISWALD BITING]

[CLATTERING]

Ow!

Hey, what's going on?

[SNICKERING]

Griswald, why you
no-good deadbeat.

Scram, vamoose. Get out of there
before I call the cops.

[GROWLING]

On second thought,
make yourself comfortable, pal.

Yeah, just, uh,
be my guest, as it were.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Good night.

[SNICKERING]

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ The most effectual Top Cat ♪

♪ Who's intellectual close
friends get to call him T.C ♪

♪ Providing it's with dignity ♪

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ The indisputable
leader of the g*ng ♪

♪ He's the boss he's a pip
he's the championship ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top cat ♪

♪ Yes he's a chief
he's a king ♪

♪ But above everything ♪

♪ He's the most tip top ♪

♪ Top cat ♪