01x01 - Sidekicked

[bunniefuu]

We join our hero, Earthworm Jim, and his

faithful sidekick Peter Puppy as they

dangle from a Cliff on the planet of

unusually tall things. The nefarious

Professor Monkey for a head moves in to

destroy Jim, riding atop his fierce

Spocktronic protoblunter fire, which

generates mighty blasts of static

electricity by rubbing its many feet. Can

our heroes hope to survive?Earthworm

Jim, prepare to be flame

broiled on the BBQ of my terrible.

Vengeance! Huh

Did you forget I'm modular?

Suck zap, floppy head!

Ohh Oh, dad, gum it.

Good work, my five-fingered Jim.

Four-fingered Jim?What do you think you

are, some kind of freak?

Oh, oh, that didn't hurt, did it, Peter?

Oh, say it didn't hurt, please.

This is no time for...

Nice doggy.

Let us flee, my simian skullmate.

I'm Jim. You haven't seen the

last of me. Oh,

sorry. The last of

us. I'd really appreciate it if we could

cut to the title sequence now. All right,

you've got it, pal.

Earthworm Jim. The soil he did crawl.

Earthworm Jim. A super suit and fall. Jim

was just a dirt-eating, chewy length of

worm flesh. But all that came to a crash

again. Earthworm Jim. He's

such a groovy guy. Earthworm Jim. He

rockets through the sky. Groove through

the universe, having lots of fun. Here

comes Earthworm Jim. You know that he's a

mighty one.

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big ray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super suit to make him really super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing a lullaby Earthworm Jim We think

he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A hero

for all time Worm, worm,

earthworm, earthworm Earthworm Jim

Groovy!

I can't help it, Jim. When I get hurt

or scared or angry, I turn into

a monster. You've let the

bad guy get away one time too many,

Peter. I've got to get a new sidekick.

You understand, don't you?I understand.

You're seeing them a worthless slump of

gunk, garbage, filth, cesspool

scrapings. Great then, so long as you

understand. Meanwhile,

on the evil planet Insectica, Psychro,

scourge of the spaceways, has been

summoned before the despicable queen,

pulsating, bloated, festering, sweaty,

pus-filled, malformed slug for a bot. I

have a job for you, Psychro.

I have uncovered the location of my

sister, Princess

what's-her-name. Earthworm

Jim is quite

fond of her. You will

capture my sister and ransom

her for his super suit.

With it, I will rule the universe.

Let me applaud your healthy lack of

respect for family values here. I

have sworn to repay her for

what she did to me when we were

children.

Whatever twangs your mandibles, lady. I

accept your assignment, queen. Pulsating,

bloated, festering, sweaty, puss-filled,

malformed slug for a buttRest

assured, Princess what's the name

is as good as captured?

What is it, oh mighty hero in whose steps

I am not fit to tread?It's a ransom note

from Psychro. You have six hours to

bring the suit to Queen blah blah blah

for a butt or the princess is neat.

You can quit trying to suck up to me. It

won't work.

Blast. If only I had a clue as to her

location. PS Don't even

think about rescuing her. She is in the

one place even you wouldn't dare to go.

HmmThe one place even

I wouldn't dare to go.

Of course he must mean the swamp of

appalling peril. Color me

pear. You'll have to stay behind, Peter.

But here's something to cheer you up.

It's every dog's favorite!

A huge pile of freaking

garbage! Umm

The way I feel right now, even garbage

has lost its subtle charm.

Yeah, yeah, you picked the right day to

come on down to the hero huts, young

fella. Got a special on sidekicks.

Show me your wares, fine merchant.

Yeah, this here's whooping cough boy. Got

the power of gale force coughs. Good

model, not a lot of miles on

him. Eh, Mr. Forehead Vane, those

babies can clutch villains in an

unbreakable grip. Good for opening

bottles, too.

Ew.

Zantor, master of--

Zantor, why ain't you wearing your tights?

It's gone all pooty stinky, you

see. Well, looks a bit snappier

in the tights. He's master of the

flying toupee.

Um, gosh.

There! That's the sidekick for me.

I see you got an eye for quality, young

thingy.

Earthworm Jim's nobility will be as

powerful. He could never let his helpless

gal pal suffer.

Helpless?I am an insectic cat.

I have the strength of a hundred men

or a hundred man-sized

crows. Just look at the time.

I should have been a florist like Mama

wanted.

Oh, boy. I can't believe it. The shadow

is my sidekick.

Actually, I'm not the shadow.

I'm just a shadow. Oh,

wow. I'm sure you're very good, too. What

amazing power do you have?

Wow, all I could ever do was a Bunny.

But enough of this, merriment. Let us

find the Princess. We could search the

entire swamp, or

we could just try that huge evil tower

with the high-pitched screams coming from

it.

OK, A Shadow, here's your chance to show

me what you can do.

yeah Hope I

can get my deposit back on him.

Mother McCurdy! With breath like thatch

and strip paint!

See you later, hideously mutated,

flesh-eating, demonic alligator!

Uh, you'd be the Mama Gator, am I

right?Oh,

the horror, the humanity, and other big H

words. Will Jim be eaten alive by the

ferocious mutant alligator?

Well, that answers that. Man,

how's he going to get out of this one?

Stay tuned to find out.

Before we return to Earthworm Gym, let us

go to the nefarious evil the cat who has

just located the most innocent being in

the universe.

Look at him. So

sweet, so guileless,

so pure and good.

He must be

destroyed.

Hmm, time for a good old

acid furball.

A minor setback.

More sausages, Ralph.

A minor setback.

What a darling Kitty. But he must

have his shots. Shots?

Be back soon, hot bun.

Here we are at the map, Kitty comes.

Oopsie-doodle, must have left the wrong

box at the factory.

A minor setback. And now

back to earthworm Jim.

When last we saw Peter, he had been

plunged into a deep depression by Jim's

insistence on getting a new sidekick. I

appreciate your taking the time to

discuss my feelings, Snot.

How do I feel?Perhaps I can explain

better through interpretive dance.

I want to be Jim's sidekick again! I want

to be Jim's sidekick again!

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Meanwhile, Jim has been eaten by a mutant

alligator, but surely this cannot be the

end of our mighty hero?Uh..

OK, maybe it can.

Mutant spit.

Knock, knock. I've

come to rescue the Princess. Evildoers

prepare to be horribly mutilated. Uh

ha. Uh,

my petite sausage of rapture. How

I've longed to. Whoa. My hero.

And so Jim uses his four hyper

intelligent brains to locate the most

dangerous places in the Galaxy.

Maybe Psychro meant this place.

A mighty hero and his latest sidekick

searched the mountain of nameless dread.

I told you to watch your step, whoopee

cushion man. With yet another sidekick,

Captain Cabbage, our hero searches the

planet of enormous hammers.

But though Jim finds many princesses to

rescue,

none of them are the right one.

Meanwhile, Peter has reached an important

decision. This one

definitely tastes more like butter. Not

bad decision. Oh, right. Sorry.

I've got to prove to Jim that he needs

me, no matter what it takes.

Meanwhile, Psychro is having troubles of

his own.

OK, Psychro, it's squishy time.

She shoots, she scores, and

the crowd goes wild.

You have made a fatal error,

Princess, for you have drew me

into my powerful new weapon, the

Scro skeleton.

Gosh, look at the time.

You know, I usually avoid saying this,

but, um.. Help!

We return to our story as Psychro uses

his mighty ex-gro skeleton to lock

Princess what's-her-name in an

inescapable, impenetrite chamber. If

Earthworm Jim doesn't go off of his super

suit in the next 20 minutes, you

will face a fate worse.

Such as, huhI

don't know. You know, something really

awful with pointy and little

chafe and stuff. Fate worse than death.

Oh, big talker. The

pit of unimaginable fear?No.

The cavern of flesh-ripping weasels?No.

Detroit?No. Come on,

please! Let me prove myself! Can I come?

Can I come?Can I come?Can I come?Sorry,

little buddy. No can do. Of course!

The most dangerous place in the galaxy,

the vile locale of which brave men dare

not speak, the Boulevard of

Acute Discomforts!

HmmThe boulevard is popular with

murderers, black marketeers, and

yellow-suited crows. My uncanny worm

senses tell me it's worth a look. Peter,

I'm off to pick up another sidekick and

save the princess. Got to

prove myself. And

don't use the protonic disassociator to

dissolve any cats into their component

elements while I'm gone. It's not

sporting, and it leaves a mess on the

carpet.

Oh, come on, show me your power again.

Just one more time, please.

Oh, Groovy, you're the best sidekick yet.

Turns his eyelids inside out, boy. It's a

gift. Come on, let's find the princess.

Hey, where's the evil tower?

Well, that's just typical. They're never

around when you need them. Let

by the great worm spirit whose segments

span the labyrinth of eternity. A clue.

Quick, my lad. Where's the Princess?

Day every day. Where's the Princess?

Where's the Princess?You want to be more

specific, pal?We got lots of princesses.

Ah, uh, that princess. Uh, 13th

floor. Penthouse, dungeon.

Nice day.

I'm here to save a princess. And if she

doesn't have little wings and a funny

name, I'm going to be really cheesed

off.

Stop right there, you feathered fiend.

Nice heroic dialogue. The

kid's a natural. Take this.

No, not the island trick. It's my one

weakness. Good

going, faithful sidekick. Well, you

guys will believe anything.

Oh, a good thing the Sidekicks Union has

a comprehensive medical plan. Plan A

senseless violence. OK,

muchacho, eat. Dirt.

That'll warn you. This is brand new, you

know. If you think it, I'm gonna be

frightfully baked.

Plan B. Senseless terror.

Surrender. You anemic annelid!

You are no match for the mighty psychro!

Oh, yeah?

Well-- Didn't your mother ever tell you

to watch where you're running?

Mama didn't have no mouth. Oh. Well,

prepare to be a worm-flavored pancake

on the breakfast menu of heaven!

Stop! I'm warning you, stay away from

that worm or I may get--Angry

a puppy. I must abandon

my evil plan, lest he

destroy my very self.

You understand it was sarcasm, right?I

mean, I wasn't being too subtle. Won't

let you hurt Jim.

This can't be good.

My doggy spit.

Way to go, little buddy!

Peter, I was wrong. You're the best

sidekick ever. Now, if you could just

give me back my leg.

Oh, sorry. Don't

mention it. I have come to

rescue you, my fulsome

bun-bun of love. HuhI

thought you'd never beat that stupid

bird. Want to go for a pizza?Uh,

my dessert trolley of joy. Again, I have

rescued you from the clutches of evil

with the help of my fine sidekick,

Peter. Rescued?Whoa, whoa,

whoa. I got out of that chamber myself,

pal. Rest assured, with

Earthworm Jim as your protector, nothing

in the universe shall ever harm you,

with the possible exception of a cow.