01x05 - Conqueror Worm

[bunniefuu]

We join our bold heroes, Earthworm Jim

and Peter Puppy, as they are being

lowered into a vat of boiling acid by the

despicable evil the cat. Now you

should perish, you insipid worm. And

then I shall. I know, I

knowYou'll destroy the universe.

Tell me the truth. Am I getting

predictable?Jim, I'm allergic to

acid. Fear not, fuzz buddy. I'll free us

with my Swedish army claws.

Corkscrews?Rats. Nail files?

Rats. Bottle openers?Rats! Rats!

Rats! Rats!

Jim, since your arm's free, why don't you

just use your g*n?What?Oh, yeah, sure.

Good going, Jim. Beating the bad guys

and save the universe once again. HmmOh,

yeah. Who cares about the universe?Get

these stupid claws to work. Swordfish?

Rats! Umbrella?Rats! Come

on, flamingos! Rats!

Despite his great big muscles And his

really big gray g*n Jim is still an

earthworm But then he's the only one With

a super suit to make him really super

strong Jim can be a winner if we only

sing along All right! Earthworm Jim We

think he's mighty fine Earthworm Jim A

hero for all time Earthworm,

earthworm, earthworm, earthworm Jim

Groovy!

We take you now to Earthworm Gym, showing

the eighth wonder of the world, the

Turlock Mall, to the mighty Hamstinator,

evil, stretchy-cheeked foe. Ah,

Earth's greatest contribution to high

culture. The Mall. Gaze in

awe upon its unsurpassed beauty. No!

Bad Hamstinator!

You've got to stop putting things in your

cheeks. Hey, what else is in there?

Uh.. Hey. Uh, sorry, Jim.

It's my nature. And so

Jim shows the Hamstonator the marvels of

the mall. The frozen yogurt shop.

No, no, no You eat this stuff!

See?Fudgelicious.

Brain freeze.

Man, what a rush.

The lamp store.

Hello, my little molten friends. Hampsty,

what have you got on your cheeks now?

Doffing. And of

course, the copy place,

which is the original

no man can sing. It's a miracle, I tell

you. A miracle of science. I got a

T-shirt printed up, Jim. Duh,

Ruby. Hey, Hamster,

quit it. That's a super jumbo color

copier. It's not to be taken orally.

Copier?Hot dog. Let's

talk to you. Wait, I-- Uh,

it's all stretchy, weird, bad.

Wow! Look at that! Ohh

Where'd Hampsty go?The cheese place.

Hampsty! Get that cheese hostess out of

your mouth! You don't know where she's

been! Is she?Is she?

Late that night at the Turlock landfill,

something mysterious takes place.

Mysterious and unnatural.

The next morning, Jim awakes with a

frozen yogurt hangover. Oh,

can't remember a thing after that 12th

triple fudge swirl.

Last night's mysterious crime spree

included a bank robbery. Big deal. Acts

of wanton destruction. Kid stuff. And the

theft of condiment packets from fast food

joints. Stop fiend! We must be stopped

for the good of mankind. We have obtained

this photo from a surveillance camera.

Jill, look! It's,

It's it's, it's

me! That's what I was saying. By the

great warm spirit, whose whims all

creatures must obey, I've become a Jekyll

and Hyde. Hero by day, villain by night!

Ohh It's probably just your evil twin.

Superheroes always have evil twins. No,

I'd know me anywhere. I must turn myself

in for the sake of society. No! Don't

worry, little buddy. After all my heroic

deeds, I'm sure the law will go easy on

me. Don't worry, Jim.

We'll bust you out of this... This joint

thingy. No, little buddy. I'm a menace to

society. You and Snot must get on with

your lives without me.

Okay, see ya.

Forget me. I'm not important. You

must let go of the past! And...

HuhHey! You missed my dramatic moment!

You'll have the rest of your life for

dramatic moments, you filthy condiment

thief. And say goodbye to your

suit. It's going to the research

lab.

Un-groovy. You know

what's the worst thing about prison?

No dental floss.

Excellent. Now that I've framed

Earthworm Jim, there is no one to

stop me. I,

Evil Jim, will conquer

the world. Will Evil Jim conquer the

world?I said I would. Will

Jim's cellmate achieve perfect dental

hygiene?Stay tuned to find out.

Oh, fish of La Plana de

Agua. This is the

last time I'm gonna ask.

Go forth and destroy!

Oh, goody. I've whipped them into a

frenzy of excitement.

It's hopeless! Of all the

fish on La Planais de Agua,

only I am intelligent. If only my

minions were smarter, I would rule the

universe. Smarter?

Of course!

And so, Bob embarks on a bold program of

public education, using all the tools of

modern teaching.

Educational television. Let's all sing

the inert gases song. I

know which gases are inert Helium

beyond it or not I will sing this song

until it hurts We've not seen a degree

Reinforcement both positive and negative.

OK, fish. Now, which of

these is a hexagon?Round,

round, round. And

finally, atomic mutation.

It's a brain. A brain.

Now, my super intelligent minions,

go forth and destroy.

Yes, well, we do appreciate the

brains and all that, but now that we are

super intelligent, we realize that you

are a dangerous megalomaniac. Who

must be obliterated terribly sorry.

You see that?This is

exactly what's wrong with public

education.

And now back to Earthworm Jim.

In prison, Jim partakes of many

delightful activities, such as the Chain

g*ng. No! Uh, hey, Mr.

Chain g*ng Boss. I dropped my

sledgehammer.

Thank you. Completely

pointless rock breaking.

And of course,

while Jim languishes in prison, Peter,

with no sidekicking to do, is plunged

into a depression. I

appreciate your taking the time to

discuss my feelings, snot.

How do I feel?Perhaps this

little puppet play I've written will

explain.

I am Earthworm Jim. Woe is me, for

I am wrongfully imprisoned.

I am Peter. Sad and unhappy am I

without Jim. Boo hoo! Boo

hoo! My life is

without purpose. Emptiness wells up in my

tortured soul. I'm going to,

going to.

I am snot. I also

MMT.

I'm just the sugar, but I'm gonna barf

too. And the jelly. Jelly barf. Jelly

barf.

Behold the gooey slop of our

sorrow. It is slopper. The

devil rope! The twilight of the

condiments! Weep for them! Weep

for their sorrow!

Yes, snot. My delicate psyche has come

horribly unglued. There is only one

thing to do. Rescue Jim from prison.

You're right. First we must bathe,

for without good hygiene, we are nothing.

Meanwhile, without Earthworm Jim's

protection, the world is easy prey for

evil Jim.

The military is powerless against him.

Before evil Jim's might, the Earth's

nations fold like fleeted skirts.

Make you a deal! Vote me king and

I won't blast you all to atoms.

All in favor?Aye

Soon, oh, the world is in evil

Jim's iron grit. Oh, so

it was my evil twin all along. Oh, I

should have known. Superheroes and evil

twins go together like peanut butter

and... evil peanut butter. I

have to get my suit from the research lab

and stop this fiend. I must go, Walter.

Oh, how I'll miss our little dental

hijinks. But how you can escape.

You're powerless without your suit.

Yes, but I'm still a worm. And if there's

one thing worms are good at, it's

burrowing. I'm

going to miss that flaws.

Okay, Jim, we're here to bust you out,

whether you like it or not. Oh, you

just missed him. He went to get a suit.

Quick snot to the research lab. Have you

got any dental flaws?

Free at last.

Free at last.

Free at last.

Hey, this is the place.

Groovy. Jim.

Fuzz Buddy.

You're right, Snot. This is a fortuitous

happenstance. Now come on, let's get the

suit.

Free at last. Quick, guys,

let's make a break for it. Come on,

Charlie.

But how can our heroes ever hope to get

past the sinister guards?Evening, guys.

Evening.

Did a giant worm, a talking dog, and a

smiling booger just go by?Yep.

Hello, DNA lab. Whatever you guys are

doing in there. Cut it out!

Hmm, it seems almost too

easy. But what the hey?Easy is good.



suit and ready to... You

know the drill. I've got the

sidekicks. You surrender. Hmm

Do you expect me to talk?No, no, no,

Mr. Jim. I expect

you to fry.

I am your exact opposites. What you love,

I hate. What you hate, I love.

You know when you brush your teeth and

then drink orange juice?Oh, I hate

that. I love it. See what I mean?

So I'm going to destroy the thing you

love most in all the world. No,

not. That's right. The

Turlock Mall. Ciao.

That unspeakable monster. Only the worst

sort of fiend says ciao. I must not

fear. Fear is the mind k*ller. Fear is

the little death that brings total

oblivion. Aha, Peter.

Maybe you can pull me free if I excrete

some extra slippery worm slime. It's

worth a try, oh mighty Jim.

Must excrete

slime! Huh

Quick, little buddy! Whip me, whip me! I

beg your pardon?I mean, use me

like a web! Oh,

right!

We did it! Um, you

okay, Jim?Nothing 20 years with a

chiropractor won't fit.

Ah, the Maw, Earth's

greatest contribution to high culture.

How I show glory in its

destruction! Not so fast,

my evil twin. I've been thinking about

this whole exact opposite thing. Since I

hate losing,You must love it.

So why not give up right now?Oh, don't be

so literal-minded.

Fool. You cannot win. I have

everything you have, and I fight

dirty.

I have one thing you don't have a

sidekick. Not

that this is necessarily a good thing.

No,

not

the face.

Maybe you should sit this one out, fuzz

buddy. Who is the master who makes the

grass green?

Face the awesome wrath of your own left

fist. Oh,

ohh man.

Oh, golly.

There ain't enough room in this universe

for the both of us. Et cetera, et cetera.

You get the point. Eat

yogurt, wicked doppelganger.

Ooh, I hate triple pike

swirl, but not enough to stop me from...

Brain freeze!

Curses foiled by the chilled dairy traits

of righteousness. It's the slammer for

you, my evil twin. Say hi

to Walter for me.

Meanwhile, later.

Yes, Snot, it is majestic in its

pulpritudinous grandeur. You know, when

you've saved something as precious as a

mall, all the pain and grief of fighting

in the bloodshed, somehow it's all

worthwhile.

Is it just me, or is that Kyle putting on

weight?