01x06 - Heisuke Mashimo

[bunniefuu]

[Piisuke] Pi!

Pi-i!

Here.

It's 10,000 yen a month
to feed you, Piisuke.

I can eat enough on 2,000 myself.

Just once, I'd like to eat
till I'm full, though, yo.

But soon, all these problems will go away.

And the only thing I have to do
is k*ll this Sakamoto guy.

- Right, Piisuke?
- Pi-i!

One billion yen!

If I've got that kinda money...

[gasps] Maybe I could even afford sushi!

[opening theme song playing]

SAKAMOTO'S

HEISUKE MASHIMO

[Shin] This is getting old.

There's so many assassins
after that bounty.

They can't hurt the Boss Man,
but the store doesn't look so good.

[Sakamoto] Might be time
to do some renovations.

Yeah, but we don't have the funds.
Until now!

PRIZE: ¥1,000,000

If we win this airsoft tournament
tomorrow, all our problems are solved.

- [doorbell dings]
- [man] Yo! Excuse me?

Hello, well...

I'm looking for Taro Sakamoto.
Where is he?

HIT MAN
HEISUKE MASHIMO

[Shin] Another hit man.

Just hand him over quietly,
and I won't hurt anyone, Tubby.

Now, come on.

[Shin] You're talking
to Mr. Sakamoto, stupid!

Sorry, I just work here.
Can't say I know a Taro Sakamoto.

- [gasps]
- What? But...

- [grunts]
- [Lu] Huh?

Sakamoto's is the name of the store!

Lot of others, too. Not just this one.

[Heisuke] A lot of them?
You're kidding me!

[wails]

You're a cutie!

This is the dumbest assassin
I've ever met.

He's talking to his target,
and he doesn't know it.

Also...

[Heisuke] Lots of stores named Sakamoto's?

SACAMOTO'Z

Wait. Does that mean...
I'm not gonna get sushi now!

sh**t, yo, that's depressing as hell!

All of his thoughts
are just idiotic nonsense!

It's not even worth the energy
it takes to read his mind!

Wait a minute here!

I asked an old lady
I ran into on the street.

She said this is where
I'd find Taro Sakamoto!

Come on, give it a rest!

Taro Sakamoto's a very common name.

There's probably 200 million of them
in this country!

Two hundred million?

I'd never be able
to track down that many people, yo!

The train tickets for that
would be way too expensive! [cries]

I can't even afford breakfast
this morning!

[continues crying]

[stomach grumbles]

Huh?

[groans]

[Heisuke sighs]

[stomach grumbles]

[Shin and Lu] Um...

[stomach continues grumbling]

[Heisuke sighs]

[Shin and Lu sigh]

[Lu] Huh?

He's looking at us.

[sniffles, whimpers]

Thanks, yo!
Seriously, you guys are the best!

Bye! Come back any time, Piisuke!

[Piisuke] Pi!

[Heisuke] Meat buns!
Isn't that great, Piisuke?

[Piisuke] Pii!

Some of these hit men
are really dumb, huh?

[Sakamoto] Weirdly,
the ones that tend to live longest.

sh**t.

That didn't lead anywhere.

At this rate,
I'll be living in a tent forever.

Speaking of, this one's
not gonna last much longer.

sh**t, it was a present
from my Gam-Gam, too.

Pi...

[grunts in frustration]
I'll be rich some day!

And we'll live in a big house, Piisuke!
I promise!

[man] You just don't have
what it takes to be a hit man.

Give it up, loser. You're dead weight.

I'm gonna prove those dudes wrong.

They'll be sorry they fired us, yo!

[wind blowing]

[yells]

[grunts]

- [clattering]
- [gasps]

- [breath trembling]
- Pi...

[sighs]

Huh?

"Airsoft tournament."

"Grand prize, one million!"

That's a lot, right?

You think I could afford to buy
an apartment with that much money?

- Pi!
- All right, Piisuke!

- Hey, yo, our luck is changing!
- Pii!

THE 52ND IKORAIZAKA SHOPPING STREET
PAINTBALL TOURNAMENT

We're gonna win that grand prize today!

[Sakamoto] A million yen.

[woman] Teams, pick up
your walkie-talkies over here!

[Shin] Whoa! Is this a K-I-L Two U?

I always wanted to try one of these!

[Sakamoto] Okay, calm down.

You're gonna do great!

[Shin] You could help, you know!

Oh, no, thank you, violent games like this
aren't really my thing.

[Shin] Remember how we need money
to repair the store?

Oh, well. It's just a bunch of amateurs.

- The two of us should be--
- [woman] Sir, you're causing a scene!

[Heisuke wails] Why?

I'm begging you!
I wanna play, too! Please!

I already told you, this is a team event!

You have to have two to five people!
You can't sign up all by yourself!

Aw, come on!

[cries]

Please...

- [Lu] Piisuke?
- [Piisuke] Pi-pi!

[Lu humming]

[Heisuke grunts]

Please, you guys
have to help me, I need you!

Get off me! Leave me alone!
Let me go, dude!

Don't leave me hanging!

TEAM SAKAMOTO'S - TARO SAKAMOTO
SHIN ASAKURA - HEISUKE MASHIMO

Thanks a lot, you guys, you're the best!

Damn it all.

[Sakamoto] This just got harder.

Welcome to the event
you've been waiting for!

The Ikoraizaka Shopping Mall
Airsoft Tournament!

Your weapons are loaded with paint BBs!

- Once you're painted, you're eliminated!
- [groans]

The playing field
is the entire shopping center.

Make as much of a mess as you like.

We'll clean it up together
when the event's over.

It makes such a difference every year!

Entertaining, too!

Oh, I get it now. They use this tournament
as a way to clean up the mall.

[Sakamoto] And there's prize money.
Win-win.

[host] All right, everyone!
Hurry up and take your positions!

Okay. Just tell me
what you want me to do, yo.

sh**t everybody you see.

You got it!

Everybody you see that isn't one of us.

I wouldn't do that!

- What's with these guys?
- Mm.

[man] Must be new.

- [host] Ready, set, go!
- They're not gonna last very--

[exciting music playing]

What?

Wait, did he just sh**t them all?

What? She did say "go," didn't she?

[host] Team Sakamoto
isn't wasting any time!

- They've kicked things off with a bang!
- I wish I knew.

[Shin] How did he--

[contestant chuckles] They're wide open.

[grunting]

[gasps]

Sorry about this, Mr. Sakamoto!

[grunts]

[grunts]

THESE ARE AIRSOFT g*ns

Oh, wow! There they go again!

Team Sakamoto is the early favorite!

[Sakamoto] Easy.

We'll get b*llet proof glass
for the windows.

Bigger ramen selection, too.

[Heisuke] This is so much fun!

Now I know what "w*r buddies" are.

It's such a great feeling to have friends

you know you can count on
to watch your back!

[Shin] Oh, great,
so we're "friends" of his now?

Yo, you know what?
You guys are pretty good.

Like you've done this before...

He's onto us!

You're airsoft geeks, huh?

[Shin] Oh, yeah, he's an idiot.

Okay! I'm gonna go in first,
and draw their fire.

I know you'll back me up, brothers!

You know, he might not actually be
such a bad guy after all.

Yeah! That's what I expect to see
from the legendary Taro Sakamoto!

- [Heisuke] Huh?
- [Lu] I love the way his flab undulates!

[silence]

Did she just say "Taro"?

No way, he doesn't look
anything like this guy!

[laughs] That's just Boss Man
when he was thin!

I think he's cuter when he's chubby.
But see?

He's got the same glasses,
and the same hairstyle...

[quirky music playing]

[laughs] There's no resemblance at all,
right, Mr. Sakamoto?

[grunts]

- Definitely not!
- [both laugh]

[quirky music stops]

[silence]

I can't stand liars.

[thrilling music playing]

[host] Uh-oh, what's happening here?

Is there trouble in paradise
for Team Sakamoto?

You'll pay for this.

So much for being friends, yo.

Dammit, Lu, what the hell?
Why'd you have to run your mouth?

Well, whatever.

This way, I get both,
the prize money and the bounty.

[g*nf*re]

They're sitting ducks!

You're going down!

[host] Oh, it's a sneak attack
from Team Barber Shop!

Your timing couldn't be better!

[g*nf*re]

[groans]

[contestants groaning]

[whistles]

Yo! Piisuke!

Pii!

[grunts]

I'm done playing around with airsoft g*ns...

- A r*fle?
- This is more like it!

[thrilling music intensifies]

[Sakamoto] From that position,
without even planting his feet...

[Shin] He had perfect accuracy!

They're making me work for this one, huh?

Let's get some distance, Piisuke!

[Piisuke] Pi!

- Hey, get back he--
- Shin. This first.

[Shin gasps]

[Heisuke] Wow. This is great.

The target was right under my nose
the whole time.

How lucky can you get?

- [Piisuke] Pi?
- Huh? What is it, Piisuke?

- Pii...
- [crying softly] Crying?

Me? No!

Why would I be crying? I'm not sad.

Piii...

Me and those guys are enemies, yo!
Are we not?

[sadly] Piii!

[Heisuke] And besides,
this is how it has to be...

if I'm gonna prove myself...
as a proper assassin!

This is it! The climactic finish
of the whole tournament!

Which team will reign supreme

- and claim the grand prize?
- [whimpers]

Well, he doesn't seem to be close by.
I'll see if I can track him dow--

- [Sakamoto] Wait.
- Hm?

Winning a fight
with a sn*per takes caution.

Yes, we have to pinpoint his location.

But it's just as important
to ensure we don't reveal our own.

[upbeat music playing]

Piii!

[Sakamoto] A ricochet.

[Shin] Where'd that shot come from?

And how's he know where we are?

Piii!

[Heisuke] For real, Piisuke?

- I almost never miss twice in a row.
- [radio static]

[Shin on radio]
Mr. Sakamoto, are you okay?

Man, you gotta be pretty quick
if you dodged that one.

[grunts in frustration] Don't pretend
that ricochet wasn't a fluke!

You lucky b*stard.

- It wasn't a fluke.
- Huh?

The rotation.
Little different than a normal b*llet.

Almost like it was designed
with ricochet shots in mind.

[Heisuke on radio] You can tell?
Now that's really impressive.

Yeah. These are specially designed
triple-rebound b*ll*ts.

Made to ricochet,
so you can't read their path, yo.

Pretty cool, huh?

[chuckles] So much
for being friends, I guess.

Seems like you really wanna k*ll us now.

Oh, don't give me that crap.

We're hit men above all else.
That's what counts.

When I look down the barrel of my r*fle,
there's only one thing that matters,

whether I hit or miss.

[thrilling music playing]

[grunting]

[Shin yelling]

CONSTRUCTION ZONE

Come on! This guy doesn't let up, does he?

[Shin panting]

[stomach grumbles]

They're persistent, yo.

[scoffs]

[panting]

For as long as I can remember,
I've been the worst at everything.

[grunts]

[groans]

[man] You really are useless,
aren't you, Heisuke?

Huh? [exclaims]

I'm bad at everything.
But for some reason,

I've always been a good shot.

This is it!
The one thing I've got going for me!

Hi, I'm the new hire, Heisuke Mashimo!

I'm kind of a specialist.

I spent all my time at the academy
becoming a sharp-sh**ter.

Nobody can snipe as good as I can.

Thanks for having me!

- What the hell are you talking about?
- [Heisuke] Huh?

Nobody needs an assassin
with only one skill.

What good would that be?

And rookies don't get to pick
their own assignments.

- [hit man 1] Come on, get him!
- [hit man 2] Die!

[whimpering]

Mashimo, what the hell
do you think you're doing?

You don't know how to use a knife,
you dumbass?

[grunts]

[hit man] Mashimo! Get on your feet!

I'll k*ll you myself!

You know, you're not cut out
to be an assassin.

Quit now if all you can use
is a sn*per r*fle.

You'll be doing yourself a favor.

[Heisuke] Soon after, they fired me.

I didn't belong there.

[train tracks rattling]

I'm so hungry, Piisuke...

[Piisuke] Piii...

[Heisuke] Huh?

Taro Sakamoto...

WANTED: TARO SAKAMOTO

One billion yen?

[chuckles]

I'll show them.

[crying softly] I'll show them all

that a great sn*per can be useful.

I'm gonna prove them wrong.

Yeah, I'll show them.
As soon as I finish this job

- they're all gonna see.
- [g*nf*re]

- [Heisuke on radio] And then...
- Will you shut up!

Quit talking to yourself
with the radio on!

Ey, yo, you guys could hear all that?

And besides,

why the hell does what other people
think about you matter so much?

[exclaims]

You just have to believe in yourself.

At the end of the day,
that's the only opinion that matters,

[shouts] yo!

- [high-pitched ringing over radio]
- [groans]

Thoughts of surprise tend to stand out.

Even from a distance.

[exhilarating music playing]

I got to admit
that was a pretty smart move, yo.

Oh, sh**t, my ear's ringing now.

Uh...

- [gasps]
- [exhilarating music fades]

[exhilarating music continues]

[Heisuke] With a rock?

[groans]

He's not human.

He's way too good.

I'm no match.

[exhilarating music ends]

[host] At last, the ferocious battle
comes to a close.

The Ikoraizaka Airsoft Tournament is over.

And I'm thrilled
to present to you our winners!

Clap your hands for Team Sakamoto!

[all cheering]

Yeah, way to go!

[crying] I'm a failure.

Even as a sn*per. sh**t...

Pii...

Man, you cry all the time.

Are you sure you're an assassin?

[Heisuke] Shut up!

You just don't know what it's like
to be a weakling!

- [Sakamoto] Weakling?
- Huh?

I've never faced a sn*per
as remarkable as you in my life.

- You're not weak.
- [gasps]

[sentimental music playing]

[wails]

Oh, what, is that supposed
to make me feel better?

- Because it doesn't, yo!
- [Piisuke] Pi-i!

[Shin] Do you have to cry
over every little thing!

Oh, I almost forgot.
Your share of the prize money.

[gasps] You mean it?

Fifty yen?

Your ricochet b*ll*ts
wrecked half the town, man.

[gasps]

[closing theme song playing]

PAINTBALL TOURNAMENT
WINNER

[Aoi] You know, it's really too bad.

You didn't even get to keep the
prize money after all you did to win it.

[Sakamoto] Sorry.

Oh, don't be silly.
I'm just glad you're still in one piece.

I'm curious, how did you two
end up together?

What?

Well, I can't imagine
Mr. Sakamoto making the first move.

You got that right!

- Hm?
- [Aoi laughs]

[calm music playing]

Huh?

Good evening, how are you?

[screams]

[scanner beeps]

One thousand sixty-three yen, please.

[nervous grunts]

[gasps] Your shirt is bloody.

[gasps, grunts]

[exhales]

- Wait!
- Huh?

Here.

Take it, please.

[exclaims]

Surprisingly, it was
all new territory for this guy.

Uh?

[Sakamoto] Aoi's mind is off limits.

- Yes, sir.
- [Aoi] Hm?