01x10 - Bathhouse Roughhouse

[bunniefuu]

SAKAMOTO'S

[groans]

It feels like I haven't slept in a year.

The Lab really kicked my a*s.

[shaking]

Even meat buns are too heavy to lift.

If a hit man came in here right now,
we'd be in deep sh*t.

I know just the place for this.

Huh?

IKOI NO YU
NATURAL HOT SPRING

-[exclaims] All of us in one big bathtub.
-Where are we?

[Hana] I can't wait!

[Shin] A bathhouse?

[opening theme song playing]

[relaxing music playing]

BATHHOUSE ROUGHHOUSE

Mr. Sakamoto, this is too risky.

I don't know what's going on,

maybe it's 'cause I'm tired,
but my power's a little…

[Sakamoto]
Don't understand anything, do you?

In order to maintain peak performance,
getting the appropriate rest is essential.

[Shin] In other words,
this is a top-priority mission!

RELAX

-[Sakamoto] Let's go.
-[grunts]

Come to think of it,

this is the first time
I've ever been to a bathhouse.

Wow, that's a little bit surprising.

[Hana] The bathtubs here
are really, really big!

Wait, how big are we talking?
Are they deep enough to swim?

[chuckles] I'm starting
to get really excited now!

-[Sakamoto] Too excited.
-Oh.

DUCKIE

[Yutaro] Man, this job's even more boring
this early on a weekday.

Guess that's what I get
for moving back in with my parents.

[Sakamoto] Four adults
and one child, please.

Uh-huh, sure.

Huh? He looks familiar…

Oh, I forgot to bring any towels.

What about you?
Did you bring them, Mr. Sakamoto?

[Sakamoto] No.

[Yutaro] Huh? It can't be, can it?

And a set of towels, too.

Um, sure, with the towel set that'll be…

uh, let's see uh… 3,300 yen.

Exact change, perfect.

[chuckles] Okay, just gimme a sec.

Daddy! Hurry up, it's bath time!

[Yutaro] That's him all right.

The legend himself, Taro Sakamoto!

-Towels?
-[exclaims, grunts nervously]

[Yutaro] Never thought
a small-fry assassin like me

would cross paths with such a big shot.

Especially working the front desk
at Mom and Dad's bathhouse.

YUTARO, 24
AMATEUR HIT MAN

BOUNTY: 1 BILLION

This guy's worth a billion yen!

Yutaro, I think you just found
your big break.

Huh?

-[Sakamoto] Towels.
-[grunts nervously]

Hope you enjoy!

Hm.

I feel like I'm getting to know you
so intimately, Mr. Sakamoto!

You don't have to make it weird.

[Yutaro] I refuse to settle
for taking over the family business.

And I won't have to!

Because if I can take out
the legendary assassin,

I'll be rich and famous!

This is my chance.

And I'll do whatever it takes!

Oh, man this is amazing!
I've never felt so refreshed!

[Sakamoto] Feels good.

[Yutaro] He's completely
let his guard down here!

I can do this. It's gonna be easy.

HIGH POWER
HYPER JET BATH

Oh! Mr. Sakamoto.
Look, they've got a jet bath.

-You wanna give it a try?
-Hm.

Oh, yeah, that's nice,
I've never done anything like this before.

Ooh… It feels so good!

[Sakamoto] Uh, could be stronger.

Oh, you think so?

[chuckles mischievously]

Good thing I outfitted this place
with all those booby traps.

I knew they'd come in handy someday.

Oh, Mr. Sakamoto! I think this button
will give the jets more power.

[Yutaro] And now you both die!

-[clicks]
-[Shin screams]

[whimpers]

That's how strong a jet bath gets?

There ought to be a warning label on it.

-A fountain! Cool!
-Hey Dad! I wanna try!

[man] Ugh, maybe when you're older.

-[kid] Let's get a closer look!
-[Yutaro] Whew!

Was that enough power for you?

With that much juice,
you could demolish a semi! [chuckles]

How far did Sakamoto get blasted?

[exclaims]

[Sakamoto] That's much better.

You're incredible, Mr. Sakamoto!
You relax at another level!

[Yutaro exclaims] What the hell?

How much mass is he carrying around?

[joints popping]

[Sakamoto] Wanna try the sauna?

Uh, I don't know. What's that?

[Yutaro] They're going into the sauna?
It's almost like he wants to die!

This time I've got him for sure.

BENEFITS OF A SAUNA

[Shin] Wow. It's pretty hot in here, huh?

[Sakamoto] Could be warmer.

Oh, you think?

Ah! It says it gets hotter
if you splash some water on the coals.

[Yutaro] Take this!

[clicks]

[exclaims, grunts]

[intense music playing]

[exclaims]

That's a little more than I was expecting!

Is it supposed to be an inferno?

[Yutaro] Hot enough
for spontaneous combustion.

Prepare to be incinerated! [chuckles]

That's more like it.

[Yutaro gasps]

What did he say?
How thick is that blubber of his?

-[Shin whimpering] Yeah, this is great.
-[sizzling]

[Shin grunts]

Piece of cake. At least when you
compare it to assassin training.

Wouldn't you agree, Mr. Sakamoto?

[kid] Whoa, they're having a bonfire!

Hey, Dad, can I go in there, too?

Uh-huh, maybe when you're older!

[steam hissing]

-[Sakamoto sighs]
-[old man] Kids these days.

He get lightheaded in there?
Embarrassing for such a young man.

[Sakamoto] Huh? Cold bath.

[Yutaro] If heat didn't do the trick,
why don't we try cold?

[exclaims, stutters] It's freezing!

Is it broken?

[Sakamoto] Could be colder.

-[exclaiming]
-Hey, look it, it's solid ice!

I can skate on it!

[Yutaro] Fine. Then how do you like this?

-[Shin grunts]
-[Sakamoto] Perfect.

[Yutaro grunts angrily]

A waterfall!

-Wow!
-So cool!

[clicks]

[Sakamoto] Invigorating.

-[Yutaro] Dammit!
-[Sakamoto] Refreshing.

-[Yutaro] Why?
-[Sakamoto] Perfect. Invigorating.

-[Yutaro] Why won't he just die?
-[Sakamoto] Refreshing. Perfect.

Invigorating. Perfect.

[Sakamoto sighs]

[Aoi] You certainly had a nice long bath.

Uh, Shin? Are you alive in there?

[beeps]

Hey, Dad, can we have some ice cream?

[man] Yeah, yeah. When you're older.

Cheapskate!

[kid] Buh-bye! [giggles]

[Yutaro] Dammit! Now I know why
they call him "the legendary assassin."

I'll never be able to k*ll Taro Sakamoto.

-Daddy! Let's play ping pong!
-Hm.

You're really good, Lu!

[Sakamoto] Uh-huh, not bad.

[Lu] Back at ya, Boss Man!

[Yutaro] I didn't want to just follow
in my parents' footsteps.

I've always been a rebel
for no real reason.

[Yutaro's dad] Why won't you
just take over the family business?

Because I'm gonna be a hit man!

Huh? You'll never be able to do that!

You're not strong enough! Hey!

Yutaro!

[Yutaro] Huh. Guess Dad was right.

k*lling Sakamoto
is way beyond a wannabe like me.

-[Yokkun] Well, if it isn't Yutaro!
-Huh?

Long time no see, loser.

Why don't you answer us? Don't be so rude.

[exclaims] I, uh…

[Yokkun] The hell happened to you?

You said you were gonna
leave town and make it big,

and now you're back here
working at your parents' bathhouse?

-I called that one!
-[laughter]

Hey! Back off, it's none of your business!

Whoa. Is that really how you talk
to paying customers around here?

[both grunting]

[whimpers]

And keep creepy noises
like those to yourself.

What a waste of space,

you can't even take a hit
without sounding like a wimp!

[grunts]

Always knew you were a loser
who'd never go anywhere.

Running a trash heap like this bathhouse
suits you well.

[laughs]

You have no right to talk sh*t
about my parents' bathhouse!

Hey, I'm just speaking the truth,
this place is a dump!

Isn't it, Monchan?

[Monchan] A dumpster fire!

[both laugh]

[table tennis ba*ls bouncing]

Ping… [echoes]

pong…

[laughs]

Yokkun? Yokkun! You son of a b*tch!

-What did you do to him?
-I didn't do anything!

You're gonna pay for this, as*h*le!

[whimpers]

[grunts, echoes]

[gasps]

Here!

This whole time… You've known
since the beginning, haven't you?

I was… I'm such an idiot.

-I'm sorry--
-The bath was nice.

Got a lot of special features.

Let's leave it at that.

[exclaims]

[smooth jazz music playing]

[Hana] That was just what I needed!

-[Aoi] We'll have to do it again.
-[Hana] Yeah!

[Lu]I still can't believe you, Shin.

How'd you get lightheaded
from a bathhouse?

Hm.

I don't even remember the last time
someone gave me a compliment.

And to think, this one came from a legend.

[line ringing]

[Yutaro] Hi, Dad. I been thinking…

I've decided I do wanna
take over the bathhouse.

What's that?

Oh, yeah. The assassin thing.

Nah, I'm done with that.

I've realized that's a life
I'm just not cut out for.

Huh? Come again?

It's too late, and I don't deserve it?

[sighs]

Fair enough.

THE NEXT DAY

[grunting, shaking] I feel even heavier.
My back hurts.

Everything does. [grunts]
That bathhouse was hardcore.

That's a really funny face, Shin!

[man] We made it to Japan.
I just hope the mistress is all right.

I must go to her.
And bring her back at once!

GIFTO

[Shin groans] I'm even more exhausted

than I was before
we took that trip to the bathhouse.

-Shin! I've got a treat for you!
-Hm?

One of these is a regular cola.

The other one
is a special blend I made myself.

No mind reading allowed!

[Shin] What?

What are you up to here, Lu?

Um…

That one.

Wrong! Now you have to pay the bill.

This is why I don't play
these kinds of games with you.

Little diners like this are so much fun!

I haven't really eaten
at many of them before.

Huh? Doesn't every country
have places like this?

I guess I wouldn't know…

When I was growing up,

I pretty much only ate the food
that was cooked by the family chef.

[Shin] Ah. Sometimes I forget
she's the daughter of a mafia boss.

-Ever think about meeting old friends?
-Hi. How many of you will be dining here?

No. I like how much more fun
and comfortable life is here.

And all that mafia stuff
was never really my thing.

I can't even imagine
having to go back to it now.

[Sakamoto] Likewise.

I know exactly what you mean.

You get used to peaceful living
and that's all you want.

All righty, anybody else
ready to order seconds?

ZHǍO DÀO NǏ LE

[gasps]

QǏNG SǏ

[Lu gasps]

[gasps]

[upbeat music playing]

[grunts]

[grunts]

-[clicks]
-[bell dings]

[funky music playing]

Need something else?

Melon soda.

I'll get that right out.

[scoffs]

[man] You're a bit old
for a drink like that.

From the look of you,
I was expecting a more refined palate.

Huh? Who the hell is this guy?

Uh… Wait a sec. Do I know you?

Wutang?

Who's Wutang?

That's me.

So glad to see you again, mistress.

[trembling] Wutang,
I thought for sure you were dead.

-Okay, but who are you?
-[groans softly]

-[Sakamoto] Older brother?
-We're not related!

-He's just a member of the triad!
-[Shin] Huh?

Mistress, ever since losing your father,

the Lu family has been
sorely lacking leadership.

Hey man! I asked you a question.

[Wutang] Please! I implore you
to return and take your father's place.

Stop wasting time sharing the company
of these vulgar, barbaric assassins.

Hey!

Not a chance!
I never wanna go back to the mafia!

As far as I care,
whoever wants Papa's job can have it.

[tense music playing]

-[Lu screams]
-[Wutang exclaims]

[Wutang] That was so cute!

Master Wutang, are you all right, sir?

[crying]

Just hold still.

No need to cry.

[Sakamoto] What's with this guy?

[sniffles] Let me introduce Lu Wutang.

-[Wutang] Mistress.
-[Lu] Don't know why, but for some reason,

he's always followed me around
being as creepy as possible.

-He's a perverted, nosy consigliere!
-[Wutang] Mistress.

A con-sil-what now?

A high-ranking mafia adviser.

[Wutang] The mistress knew
I was looking after her all along?

Oh, it feels so good to be noticed!

[Shin] This guy's nuts!

[traditional music playing]

Like I said, I don't want
anything to do with the mafia.

I wanna work at Sakamoto's
as a regular shopkeeper.

I understand.

That means
if I am to retrieve the mistress,

I have but one obstacle, Taro Sakamoto.

The so-called, "legendary assassin."

Look, I don't know what your deal is,
but if you're after a fight, I'm game.

No, you fool!

Who in their right mind
would fight an assassin unarmed?

-Where you goin'?
-[Sakamoto] Honestly, kind of refreshing.

My proposition, a triad-style battle,
where the mistress is the prize!

No way, man!

Let's just skip to the part
where we kick your a*s.

[Sakamoto] Get it over with quick.

[Wutang] Don't be afraid.
Consider this an opportunity.

Sakamoto…

If you can win this battle,
I'll provide you with information

about the person
who put that bounty on your head.

-[Sakamoto] Hm?
-Huh? How do you know about that?

[scoffs] Our intelligence network
is unmatched.

Mr. Sakamoto?

[Sakamoto] Forget it. You can't have Lu.

Yeah, we can find our own information.

[Wutang] Huh?

[traditional music stops]

It's a deal. We'll take the bet.

-[Sakamoto] Hm?
-[exclaims] What the hell are you doing?

If we lose, you have to go back to China
and join the mafia.

I heard the terms.

But I'm a member
of the Sakamoto family now.

It's for the Boss Man.
I'm willing to put my skin on the line.

[Shin exclaims]

[Sakamoto sighs]

[Wutang] Then come with me.

Put her skin on the line?

That sounds so wrong, yet so right.

[funky music playing]

[Shin] This place is gross.
Where are you taking us, anyway?

[Wutang] Shut up and follow me.

Hey, you still haven't told us
what a triad-style battle is.

[Sakamoto] Ready to go home now.

Here, you barbarians.

Those rags won't satisfy
the dress code where we're going.

We prepared a special changing room
for the two of you.

FOR MY LADY

Mistress, you'll find yours
right over here.

[Shin scoffs]

[exclaims]

[Sakamoto] Fits nicely.

[funky music ends]

-After you.
-[Lu gasps]

[Wutang] The underworld rubs elbows
with each other here.

A bastion of desire and ill-gotten wealth.

An underground casino.

[upbeat music playing]

A casino?

All makes sense.

Uh-huh. Physical strength
doesn't matter here.

[Wutang]
We'll start with thirty-million yen.

You brutes can borrow these chips from us.

Whoever can use this to win
the most money in the allotted time,

wins the battle.

Good luck. I'll see you in two hours.

[Lu] Gambling…

Not to worry, Lu.

We've got Shin on our side,
and he's a mind-reader.

Yeah, we do. You've got a point.

He can listen to what the dealers
and other players are thinking.

With a power like that, we can't lose!

Except… I don't know
how to play any casino games

or what any of the rules are.

-Neither do I.
-Huh?

Oh no!

Wutang may not be much of a fighter,

but he makes up for it
by being really smart.

The Lu family prizes strength,
but he climbed the ladder on brains alone.

He's kind of an anomaly.

-[guests exclaim]
-[Shin] Huh?

[man 1] Whoa! That guy with the braid
went all-in and won big!

[man 2] What is that? 90 million?

He's already tripled his money!

I'm winning the mistress back
no matter what.

I'll risk everything I have to do so.

[upbeat music ends]

WIN MORE THAN WUTANG AT THE CASINO!

[closing theme song playing]

sh*t! Thanks to Sakamoto and his crew,
we don't have jobs anymore!

Hey, Mr. Tanaka, what do you think
about opening a creperie?

Huh? A creperie?

Okay! Great idea!

TANAKA CREPES

-[man on radio] That letter's from "Poo."
-Ah. We have no customers.

-…letter signed by the name "Poo."
-He said "poo."

Come on, Seba!
Quit listening to the radio and do some--

-I'm getting hungry.
-[turns off radio]

[sizzling]

[Tanaka laughs] Looks good!

[Seba] I always wanted
to try my hand at this.

[Tanaka exclaims]

[Lu] Oh, check it out! They've got crepes!

[Hana exclaims]

Do you want one?

I want 'em all!

[Tanaka] It's that girl again!

Hey! No fair! What am I supposed to do?

Huh?

-[splashing]
-What the… Hana, look!

-[Hana exclaims] The crepes are floating!
-[Tanaka] Huh?

[Hana] So cool!

[woman on TV] This new treat
is all the rage: floating crepes!

You know there's a trick to it, right?

Long as it tastes good, I don't care!

-Delicious!
-[Sakamoto] Mysterious.