02x03 - Whack-a-Mole

[bunniefuu]

[BIRDS CHIRPING]

[DOOR CLICKS]

[DOORBELL CHIMES]

[CAN POPS]

[PHONE BUZZING]

[CHARLIE CALE] Yeah?

[BEATRIX HASP] [OVER
PHONE] Charlie Cale.

Do you know who this is?

I mean, Beatrix Hasp, right?

[BEATRIX] Yeah.

Yeah, that's what I assumed.

[BEATRIX] Well, listen, Charlie,

I'm here with the Five Families.

[CHARLIE] [OVER PHONE] You're
there with all five of them?

[BEATRIX] Yeah, I got you on speaker.

And what we are dealing
with now is a w*r.

It's expensive and a pain in the a*s,

and it's no good.

It's bad.

It's ruinous, is the word.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. I remember, okay?

I was on the phone.

Oh, am I boring you?

Look, man, I just got
out of a burning house.

It was kind of a whole f*cking thing,

so I'm sorry if I'm
not really in the mood

for a whole long
meandering conversation.

Okay then, I need your help

and if you don't do it, I'll k*ll you.

Well, fine.

Good. Thank you.

My organization is crumbled

and I'm on the lam with the rubble,

all thanks to you.

So, you know your g*ons tried

to k*ll me, like, six times, right?

Oh, Jesus. You millennials
b*tch, b*tch, b*tch.

So, the Southwest
Syndicate is closing in,

the FBI is up my pantyhose.

It is desperate hours,
I'm not gonna lie.

But I ain't going down.

That's where you come in.

Oh, good.

So, my remaining capos are waiting

at a safe house nearby.

I've arranged for a plane

that can get us out of the country.

Only problem is, I have
it on decent authority

that there's a rat in my
crew, or possibly a mole.

Hey, would you remind me, what
exactly is the difference?

The point is, I can't make my getaway

unless I know I'm not gettin' set up.

So, you're gonna use

your freaky little lie detector trick

to tell me which one of
my guys is the snitch.

Oh, great.

Alright, take this next exit

and pull into the first gas station.

Gotta use the can, get some snacks.

Any chance I could, like, uh,

clean up a little,
change some clothes?

I f*cking stink.

Yeah. Who gives a
sh*t? Do what you want.

♪ Burgers and fries ♪

♪ Cherry pies ♪

♪ It was simple and good back then ♪

[CHARLIE] Christ, come on.

♪ Walking in the sand, hand in hand ♪

sh*t.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[CAR DOOR OPENS]

[BEATRIX] Here you go.

Thanks.

Oh, uh...

Little Miss Klepto, huh?

You can make anything
disappear in loose sleeves.

Too easy.

[CHARLIE] Yeah. Yeah.

You know, uh, in my
pick-pocketing youth,

I was partial to the pant leg.

[GROANS]

[BEATRIX] Damnit!

Shrimp-flavored Vienna sausage.

Jesus.

[PHONE BEEPS]

[BEATRIX] Alright, let's go.

Let's make a left out of here.

A left? We just, we
just came from left.

Left.

[CLEARS THROAT] Right, right.

- Left, left.
- [ENGINE STARTS]

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

I told my crew you're a Cobbler.

Ah, yeah. Well, it makes sense.

I mean, I guess you
can't really skip town

if you've got holes in your shoes.

No, a Scratcher, a Forger,

someone who makes fake documents.

That way, it won't seem strange
when you ask nosy questions.

Uh, hey.

- What?
- Eh, nothing.

Alright, alright.

Uh, so, well, your shoelace is untied,

and I guess I can't figure
out which way to play it.

Like, don't tell you and
then wait for you to trip

and then grab your g*n.

Or I do tell you so you look

and-and-and then I grab your g*n.

Well, I guess it doesn't
matter either way,

'cause you probably
wouldn't believe me.

Hmm. Life's full of moments.

And you're right, I don't believe you.

- Get going.
- Okay.

Damnit.

Alright, so, uh, what
happens when we catch

this rat in question?

Or mole. It could be mole.

Alright, well, uh, when I identify

this, uh, critter in question,

then what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna slowly skin 'em alive

and watch them eat their
own flesh in front of me.

Uh... uh...

I-I can't be a part
of facilitating that.

Turning rat is the lowest,
most despicable thing

a person can do.

And if that doesn't
ease your conscience,

try to remember, it's them or you.

Get in. Come on.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[SINGS] ♪ Hello, little girl ♪

♪ What your rush ♪

♪ You're missing all the flowers ♪

[BEATRIX LAUGHING]

♪ The sun won't set for hours ♪

♪ Take your time ♪

[CHARLIE] Hi, uh...

- I'm the Cobbler.
- Oh, thank God.

Because my espadrilles
are falling to pieces.

[BEATRIX] No, darling. She's...

This is my husband, Jeffrey.

- He's not part of my crew.
- Yeah, I'm sorry.

I don't know much about
the-the scrap metal business.

I'm kidding. I'm kidding.
I know it's the Mafia.

Can I tempt either one
of you with a panino?

These things are amazingly versatile.

I used the steamer setting
to parboil artichokes.

The lobsters of vegetables.

That's what I always say!

[BEATRIX] Darling, our
guest needs to focus.

Charlie, come here.

- [IRON SIZZLING]
- [♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

The men in this room are
cold-blooded K*llers.

You have to play this perfectly.

Subtle. Capisce?

Uh... yeah.

Go on.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪ TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

So, any of you guys
working for the Feds?

[GROUP] No.

Great. Got what I needed.

Hey-Hey, uh, check it out.

Guess what? I pronounce
you, uh, rat-free,

unless, of course, Jeffrey
here is working for the Feds.

Nope, sorry.

Okay. Also true. Alright.

So, nothing to do here.

How the hell can you be so good?

Yo, you thought we was rats?

Oh, for Christ...

Real slick, kid.

Listen, use your brains.

What happens if we get on that plane

and we got a sniveling little
Ratatouille on board, huh?

Charlie says you're all clean,

so we'll risk it.

Get packed. We leave in 10.

Oh, okay. Alright.

Well, it's been a pleash, you know?

[BEATRIX] Ah-ah, wait, h*-hold it.

How do I know you're not lying

about the rat in my crew not lying.

A "who's watching the
watchmen" quandary.

Well, I assure you, I
have no dog in this fight.

Oh, well, you do now because
you're coming with us.

Terrific. Um...

might I just make a quick, uh, pee?

I, uh, already have pissed
myself five times today,

and yet still a little
something left in the tank.

The window is too
small to fit through.

- [SCOFFS]
- [TOASTER DINGS]

- Oh, no, no!
- Darling, what is it?

Oh, the baklava's destroyed.

Everything is destroyed.

All the sh**ting and running.

I just, I just want
my normal life back.

Aw, sweetie.

Soon it's just gonna be
you and me in paradise,

my little panino.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Yeah, I can see the, uh,

the pilot in sight.

Uh...

nary a Fed in sight,

so go forth and flee,
and nice knowing ya.

[BEATRIX] [ON RADIO] Nuh-uh!
You're going in first.

If this is an ambush,
you get the first b*llet.

Well, you sure are thorough.

Give you that.

f*ck. [SIGHS]

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Okay, I'm going inside the plane.

Go ask the pilot if he's
working with the Feds.

I'm trusting no one right now.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

Uh, excuse me, sir?

Oh, what the f*ck?

- [SIRENS WAILING]
- [♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[BEATRIX] sh*t! The Feds!

[♪ DRAMATIC MUSIC CONTINUES]

Put your weapons down now!

Alright, boys, we're gonna have
to sh**t our way out of here.

Nope, nope, nope,
nope, nope, nope, nope.

Don't fire! Jeffrey, stop!

Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope.

No, no, no. No, no, no, no.

[AGENT LUCA CLARK] Sir, halt!

[JEFFREY] No. Nope, nope, nope, nope.

- [g*n CLICKS]
- sh*t!

Sir, halt or I will sh**t.

- Luca?
- Don't fire!

No, no, no!

[g*nshots]

What the f*ck?

Jeffery!

[g*nsh*t]

Hold your fire! We need her alive!

[BEATRIX SCREAMS]

- Drop your weapon!
- [g*nsh*t]

[♪ OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

- Put the weapon down!
- What the f*ck are we doing?

- Are we sh**ting?
- I don't know!

Stay where you are!

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Oh, man, what's with
this pre-9/11 bullshit?

Jeffrey's dead, and
it's all your fault.

Ah, listen.

[g*nsh*t]

[AGENT DON HOOPER] Beatrix
Hasp is running scared.

Her family tree has undergone

some significant,
uh, pruning recently,

like Prescott with his...

What's that tree you
can't shut up about?

Japanese maple tree, sir.

My neighbors are
claiming that the roots

are damaging the retaining wall,

but I've spoken to
three separate arborists

- who've told me...
- Alright. Jesus.

New metaphor before
Johnny Appleseed here

creams his trousers.

The current prognosis
for the Hasp organization

Is: stage four terminal.

Our job is to sign the DNR.

Thanks to some excellent work
by Special Agent Luca Clark,

we now have a tier-one
source inside the Hasp crew.

Luca?

[CLEARS THROAT] Thank you, sir.

According to my source,
Hasp and her crew

are on their way to a safe house.

We have it staked out,
and we'll take them

with a tactical team when they arrive

and apprehend them before
they flee the country.

I'll be running point
on the operation.

I just... How did you
flip Tony Ice Cream?

I tried to once. I do not have

the special Luca touch, I guess.

Well, I can neither confirm nor deny

the identity of my informant.

I haven't even told Hooper who it is.

- Protocol, you know?
- That is smart.

People say rules are
meant to be broken,

but a lot of those people
are in federal prison.

Or tremendously
successful in their field.

- You know me. No shortcuts.
- I know.

Hey, by the way, if you need
me for anything on this,

I've got your back, old friend.

Hmm. [CLICKS TONGUE] Me too.

[SINGS] ♪ Here's to us ♪

♪ Who's like us ♪

- ♪ Darn few ♪
- ♪ Damn few ♪

- You went for the damn.
- I said damn.

- I said darn.
- I'm vulgar.

I'll see you, dude.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[♪ GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ Burgers and fries ♪

♪ Cherry pies ♪

♪ It was simple and good back then ♪

♪ Walking in the sand hand in hand ♪

♪ Never thinking that it could end ♪

♪ Making our love
with the moon above ♪

♪ At the drive-in picture show ♪

The name of that rat better be

in this weenies can.

No, it's not.

It says, "Safe house
not safe," though.

And I lined up a nice alternative,

free Wi-Fi, decent waffle bar.

No HBO, sadly.

You really are completely useless.

Useless? After all the information

that I have given you over the years?

I've given you so much money.

It's called a transaction.

How much grace you
think that's gonna buy

if I wind up in bracelets?

Do you really think
it's such a good idea

to threaten a federal agent?

Cool your jets, Maverick.

The tough guy thing
goes over a lot better

if you're not nursing
from your baby bottle.

I have an ulcer, and you
know that I have an ulcer,

and my doctor says that my
ulcer is all because of you.

You told your doctor
you're a dirty Fed

on the mob's payroll?

My doctor said a common
cause is work stress,

and I extrapolated from there.

Who's the stray in your muscle car?

Your incompetence
requires a backup plan.

Find that f*ck' rat.

sh*t.

[CLEARS THROAT]

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Alright, let's go.

Let's make a left out of here.

[OFFICER] [ON RADIO]
Still no sign of Hasp

or her crew at the safe house, sir.

[AGENT HOOPER GROANS]

Are you alright, sir?

I got this stupid black-tie
wedding on the 26th,

and I need to fit
into my stupid tuxedo,

so I got up at 5:30
for abs and a*s day,

and, Luca, where the f*ck are they?

I don't know, sir.

My Hasp source

must have given me bad info.

I don't want excuses.

I want you to do your job.

Let's pack it up. They're not coming.

[OFFICER] [ON RADIO]
All units, stand down.

We're pulling out.

It's Beans, right?

[PHONE RINGS]

He's unreliable, Beans.
Don't beat up on you...

Come on. I can help you, Luca.

Just let me in a little.

[SINGS] ♪ Who's like us ♪

Sorry, Danny, I gotta go.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[DOOR BEEPS]

What happened?

I can't keep up with her.

Go here. Go there.

Uh, the safe house isn't safe.

Uh, there's not enough
room to pack your whisks.

Jeffrey, did you warn her about
the raid at the safe house?

No! No, of course, not.

What, are you crazy? I'm
scared enough as it is.

I really think I better get back soon.

Right, the crew'll get suspicious.

Yeah, and my phyllo dough,

if it thaws, it's not
gonna bake properly.

We're running out of time.

Do you think she'll cooperate or not?

I get the feeling she's
not gonna go for it.

What makes you say that?

I would never, ever cooperate

with the federal government.

It's just this feeling I get.

- [SIGHS]
- Look...

I've thought about this very hard,

and I've decided I want to go

into the witness protection
program on my own.

I love Beatrix very much,

but she prioritizes
her work ahead of me

and it's time I put my needs first.

Jeffrey, we can't really justify

the expense of witness protection

without your wife's involvement.

Well, that hardly seems fair.

You know practically
nothing about her operation.

It's actually kinda shocking
how little you know.

I told you, all this
Mafia stuff is so boring.

I mean, the hits and the capos

and the, the moles
and the no-show jobs.

Ugh, enough already.

Moles. You mean rats,
right? Not moles?

As long as they stay out of
my rhubarb, I don't care.

Is that how Hasp knew about the raid?

Does Beatrix have a
mole in the bureau?

Jeffrey, exposing an
FBI mole would be enough

to justify WITSEC, with
or without your wife.

I wish I could help, but as you say,

I-I know very little.

I'm gonna show you...

[AGENT] Some pictures
of the federal agents

in this operation.

I need you to tell me if you've seen

any of these people talking to

or interacting with Beatrix.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Jeffrey, these are the best beignets

that I've had outside
the French Quarter.

- Stop it.
- Maybe inside.

Ah, you're making me blush.

Judge Palmer's wife was diagnosed

with Hodgkin's lymphoma,

so he's got a lot of medical bills.

So, he's got a palm to grease.
Or maybe it was Non-Hodgkin's.

Anyway, he's your golden ticket

to a mistrial.

What's that look?

[AGENT] Jeffrey, do you recognize

any of these faces?

Yes, I know who your mole is.

Great. Who is it?

I'm not gonna tell.

Are you serious?

You'll get your mole once
Beatrix is in custody

and I am safely in witness protection,

not a moment before.

It's too risky.

Listen, I love my little gal,

but she packs quite the punch.

Oh, by the way, she's
booked a private plane

to fly us out of the country today.

A mob mole in the FBI. That's crazy.

I don't need f*cking color commentary.

Just read the lips, please.

Okay, best way to
ensure your safety is

to fake your death
when we raid the plane.

Well, that seems very unpleasant.

We do this all the time.

When the raid starts, you run.

I'll say, "Halt or I will
sh**t!" That's the cue.

I'll pretend to sh**t you
with these. They're blanks.

No, I've heard that those can
actually be very dangerous.

Yes, at a very close range the
powder charge can hurt you,

but I'll be far enough away
for it to be perfectly safe.

This shirt has squibs
sewn into the fabric.

Do you know what squibs are?

Yeah. They're fake blood packets.

Exactly. When you press this button,

the squibs in your shirt will go off.

It'll look like you've been shot.

Okay. The raid starts.

- Yeah.
- I take off.

"Halt or I sh**t."

You sh**t the blanks,
I press the button.

Bang, bang, bang. Goodbye, Jeffrey.

Okay, listen, I better
get back to the hotel

because Beatrix is bringing
me some cobbler for dessert,

and that's my favorite.

Just don't overdo it

when the squibs go off.

I've seen a lot of witnesses blow

their cover with bad death acting.

I will have you know that this is not

my first time treading the boards.

I've done a lot of community theater.

I didn't know that.

W-W-What were you in?

Loads, like "Cabaret," "Assassins."

I did a production of
"Into the Woods" that

"The Dutchess County Gazette"
called surprisingly...

[AGENT] Good.

I love "Into the Woods,"

and "Assassins" is
criminally underrated.

It's criminally underrated.

Oh, my gosh.

My FBI handler is a Sondheim nut.

How lucky can a guy get?

[SINGS] ♪ Everybody
wants the right to be ♪

[AGENT] Be happy.

Life isn't so bad.

Life is not as bad as it...

[BOTH] [SINGING] ♪ Seems ♪

- Bad as it steams.
- Seems.

[AGENT] If you keep your
bowl on-site, you can...

[SINGS] ♪ If you keep
your goal in sight ♪

Why would... He's the best
lyricist of the 20th century.

Why would he write "bowl on-site"?

It's harder for me to do my job

if I don't know the song.

Shut the f*ck up, Peter.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHARLIE CLEARS THROAT]

So, it's not cobbler like dessert?

It's cobbler like shoe cobbler,

but she's not actually a shoe cobbler?

No, darling. She's that
girl with the freak ability

to tell when people are lying.

She's here to find our rat.

Ah, well, that's neat.

Ooh, I like that shirt by the way.

It's very handsome. Is it new?

No, I'm just preparing
for the tropics.

[CHARLIE] Hey-Hey, uh, check it out.

I pronounce you, uh, rat-free.

Unless, of course, Jeffrey
here is working for the Feds.

Nope, sorry.

Okay, also true. Alright,
so nothing to do here.

[JEFFREY] No, no, no, no, no!

[BEATRIX] Darling, what is it?

[JEFFREY] Oh, the baklava's destroyed!

Everything's destroyed!

[PHONE RINGING]

Agent Clark.

Hey. Hey. Uh...

So, uh...

[TOILET FLUSHES]

So, Beatrix Hasp kidnapped me

because she wanted me to find her rat,

which I did, but I lied about it

because I didn't want
anybody to get hurt.

But now we're headed to a plane, so...

Charlie, wait, you're
with Hasp right now?

And do you know who her rat is?

Yeah, I gotta say, he seems
like a pretty nice guy,

you know, and a very
talented iron chef, actually.

I mean, not in that
kind of way, but...

I know, I know.

I'm running point on the case.

Wow, you are really good at my job.

Alright, you did the right
thing by keeping quiet.

I'm gonna get you both out,
but you have to trust me.

Uh, okay, great. So you got a plan?

When you get to the plane,
there's gonna be a raid.

I want you to hide in the
c*ck and lock the door.

That doesn't sound like
much of a f*cking plan.

Wait there until I come get you.

Don't trust anyone
but me, okay, Charlie?

Not even other agents.

I just learned there's a
civilian hostage with Hasp.

She's a friend of mine, actually.

Probably in thrifted clothes.

Uh, genial,

inquisitive, voice
like a rusty clarinet.

So, please, please do not engage

until I give the verbal go-ahead.

You heard him, folks, no
itchy trigger fingers.

I want the hostage unharmed,

and I want Hasp and her men alive,

at least until they can
spill all their deepest

and darkest secrets.

Okay, everybody, into position.

Prescott, what the f*ck are you doing?

I think it's an invasive species, sir.

That's really interesting.

Move out!

[♪ DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[IN SLOW MOTION] No!

No, no, no!

No, no, no!

[AGENT CLARK] [IN SLOW-MOTION]
Sir, halt, or I will sh**t.

No, no, no.

[BUTTON CLICKS]

[g*n SHOTS]

[FEDS SHOUTING]

What the hell kinda plan is this?

I don't know, sir, but I think

Luca's got it under control.

[BEATRIX SCREAMS]

[g*nsh*t]

What the f*ck?

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

[BEATRIX] Jeffrey's dead,
and it's all your fault!

Ah, listen.

- [g*nsh*t]
- Ah!

[HEAVY BREATHING]

Wait, I'm okay.

f*ck. She's okay.

What the f*ck?

- [g*n FIRING]
- [CHARLIE GASPS]

- What?
- Huh?

[CHARLIE SCREAMS]

[PLASTIC SQUEAKING]

[FOOTSTEPS THUDDING]

Clark, I saw you get shot.

Blanks. It's just the
charge from the blank.

She-She-She took my g*n.

Your g*n was full of blanks?

Oh, would not have guessed Jeffrey.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

You're never getting
out of this plane.

- Get up.
- [CHARLIE] f*ck.

[BEATRIX] Get up, get up.

Move. Back.

Hold up.

Wait a minute.

Why would a Fed be packing
a g*n full of blanks?

You nailed that. Very
convincing, Jeffrey.

Jeffrey?

[♪ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[PHONE RINGS]

[CHARLIE] [OVER PHONE]
Beatrix Hasp kidnapped me

because she wanted me to find her rat.

♪♪

Was that the plan? Whacking
your own informant?

I mean, who does that?

They were blanks. I
checked three times.

Please just tell me you
got all this guy's intel

before you iced him.

No, not all of it.

Sir, Hasp is on

the walkie-talkie,
and she has demands.

Stall her while I can get
an extraction team in place.

But I'm not bureau certified
in hostage negotiation, sir.

Oh, but you got your certification

in being a petulant little ding-dong.

Get the f*ck out of here.

Let me talk to her.

The hostage is a friend of mine.

Absolutely not! You're benched.

I can do it, sir.

Lookie here. A professional. Go!

[DANNY] [OVER RADIO] Ms.
Hasp, uh, do you read me?

Yes, but I'm warning you,

this is an adult
situation we have here,

so proceed carefully.

I understand, and all
I want is to make sure

that nobody else gets hurt here.

Bullshit.

That... It sounds like your hostage

is alive and well, so that is good.

[BEATRIX] [OVER RADIO] I
wanna speak with Jeffrey.

Uh, Ms. Hasp, Jeffrey's dead.

You think I was born yesterday?

I've seen the g*n full of blanks.

I know a fake death when I see one.

Now put my ungrateful
rat husband on the horn.

Oh, okay.

Hey, you're correct.

Your husband was an FBI informant,

and it appears there was
a plan to fake his death,

but that went awry.

A live round got put
in with the blanks,

and he was shot for real.

Is that true?

Uh... yeah. Every word.

[♪ SOMBER MUSIC PLAYING]

[SIGHS SOFTLY]

Okay, Jeffrey's dead. Boo-hoo.

Now I want a real pilot.

Let us get on that.

We'll get you a pilot
that can take you anywhere

safe and sound, coming up.

Bullshit.

Hey, I'm not kidding, pal.

Do not play games with me.

I've got a mole in the FBI.

This is unbelievable.

She'll say anything to get out of...

That would explain how she
knew about the safe house.

Find out more.

Oh, say more about that.

As it turns out, I've
had a dirty little mole

on my payroll for years.

Push comes to shove,

I can be convinced to
divulge his identity.

So, what do we do here?

Well, this is what we
call a transaction.

You give me what I want,
I give you what you want.

Hasp, this is Special
Agent in Charge, Hooper.

You've got a deal.

No games.

You guarantee us the
identity of your mole,

we'll guarantee you safe
passage out of the country.

Okay, uh, that was true.

Pilot first, then the mole.

- Give us 20 minutes.
- No, no.

That's a ruthless f*cking
criminal in there.

You cannot let her get away.

If there's one compromised agent,

that's more important
than one gangster.

It's a rot in our very foundation.

If there's a mole, I
want his head on a pike.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

[CHARLIE] Hey, gosh,
it must be really handy

having your own FBI mole, huh?

Is he, uh, out there
helping you right now?

[PHONE RINGS]

- Charlie?
- [CHARLIE] [OVER PHONE] Because if he is,

if your mole is out there,

well, I gotta say now
would be a very handy time

to have him come to your rescue.

I really suggest you
mind your own business.

[CHARLIE] You know,
come to think of it,

I-I do recall us, uh,
suddenly changing directions,

uh, after we stopped
at that gas station

and you were talking to a guy who was,

a, a guy in a suit.

Was that your mole?

It was, wasn't he? So, what was he?

He was like a, a white guy, right?

Like a medium build, uh,



Crap.

[BEATRIX] [OVER PHONE] Why do
you care so much who my mole is?

If I did know who your mole was,

uh, well, I might be
able to help us get out

of this sticky situation, uh.

Hey, look, just between us girls,

who is your mole?

And I promise I, uh, won't tell.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC CONTINUES]

Hey, guys, guys, guys!

I think it's a Florida Torreya tree.

[OVER PHONE] It really is!

Always favored the pant leg, huh?

Gimme!

God.

Hey, Agent f*ck!

Go blow a dog!

- [PHONE DISCONNECTING]
- Char...?

I hope you enjoyed it

because that was your
last living misdemeanor.

Hey, look, I don't know why you think

this mole man is just suddenly
gonna show up for you.

I mean, if he's willing
to betray the government

just for a few extra dollars,

why is he suddenly putting
his neck on the line for you?

For what? Uh, uh, just for principle?

I mean, why are you trusting
this guy, whoever he is?

Oh!

[♪ MELANCHOLIC MUSIC PLAYING]

'Cause I don't have anyone else.

[SOBS]

Geez, man, I...

Look, I-I-I'm-I'm sorry about Jeffrey.

I don't want your charity,
and I don't want your advice.

Besides, it was your
dumb-sh*t buddy who shot him!

Okay, look...

I don't think...

that was an accident.

I... If there is one thing that
you and Luca have in common,

it is thoroughness.

And I also don't think

that it was on purpose, because why?

Why would Luca want
his informant dead?

I mean, there's only one fed

who would wanna silence
Jeffrey, alright?

- Your mole!
- My mole!

Excuse me, sir, we should be
busting in there right now

and taking her by force.

We're playing right into
Hasp's hand right here.

Really? This is her grand plan?

To be trapped inside a hangar
surrounded by federal agents?

The mole thing is just a feint, sir.

She's just trying to buy time

so more of her g*ons
can show up to help her.

And what do you even know about

this mysterious hostage, huh?

What do you even know
about this woman?

I just promised Hasp a pilot

and a free pass out of the country.

So, she has absolutely no reason to...

What in God's name is Clark doing now?

There's only one option left.

Give yourself up?

k*ll as many Feds as possible!

- [CHARLIE GASPS]
- Beatrix Hasp,

my name is Luca Clark.

I'm the federal agent
who shot your husband.

We'll start with him.

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

I think your mole k*lled Jeffrey

to keep his identity secret,

and I think he's gonna find
a way to silence you too

unless you tell me his
name so I can stop him.

You want me to rat on
my mole like a snake?

No.

I wanna help you get out of this.

Why?

Because I failed your husband.

It was my job to protect
him, and I screwed it up.

Wait, Luca, did you
k*ll Jeffrey on purpose?

No.

Jeffrey loved you, Beatrix, very much.

But he knew you'd always
choose your work over him,

and he chose to put his
own needs first for once.

Call that what you want.

I call it brave.

Okay, so that's true.

Come on, Beatrix.

[DANNY] Beatrix, it's time to do

the right thing, right thing.

Tell us who the mole is.

Jesus Christ, you redheaded alley cat.

Who even are you?

Alright, f*ck it.

I'll tell you who my mole is.

The mole's name is...

[♪ TENSE MUSIC PLAYING]

Maverick McTitticutty.

Is i... [SIGHS] Is she serious?

Well, she's not lying,
but, honey, I-I do think

that maybe he gave you a fake name.

Well, I don't know. Typical white guy.

We're all typical white guys.

We have some serious flaws
with our hiring process.

Uh... milk. Milk.

He... At the gas station,
he was drinking milk.

I mean, who even drinks milk anymore?

Most mammals.

Maverick is always bitching

and moaning about his ulcer.

Danny? [STAMMERS]

No, th-that's...

Not Da... No,
he's-he's-he's my friend.

I've known him since the Academy.

Oh, whoa. Who's Danny?

Daniel Clyde-Otis. It's hyphenated.

What? That sounds even more made up

than Maverick McTitticutty.

Oh, God, I set my g*n
down for just a minute.

When Charlie called,
Danny was right there.

He must have switched out
a blank for a live round.

Man, this spineless weasel.

And here and I thought we
were dealing with a mole.

He's a weasel and a mole.

And now possibly a snake.

Who the f*ck can keep
up with this jargon?

Hey, boss federale,

I'll tell you the name of my mole

right this second if
you promise me WITSEC.

This is Agent Hooper,
and you've got a deal.

Good. His name is Clive Owen.

Clyde-Otis?

Clyde-Otis!

Hand it over. Hand
it over handle first.

Now scoot. Now scoot
over. Get over there.

Close to her.

Everyone's gonna do what I say,

- and nobody's going to get hurt.
- Oh, bullshit.

[DANIEL "DANNY" CLYDE-OTIS] I
don't know who you are, lady,

but I find you really rude.

Danny, please, don't do this.

[SINGS] ♪ Here's to us ♪

- ♪ Who's... ♪
- [g*nsh*t]

[CHARLIE] Oh, God.

You as*h*le!

Stay down, Luca.

Put your hands right over your head.

- Now, just a thought...
- Stay out of this, tr*mp.

You know what? Why don't you go ahead?

[GROANS]

[AGENTS GRUNTING]

- [LUCA SCREAMS]
- [g*nsh*t]

[CHARLIE] Jesus!

[LUCA SCREAMS]

Hey. Hey. Easy, alright?

Just f*cking knock it off.

What are you gonna do? You're
gonna sh**t an FBI agent?

- Look at you!
- [g*nsh*t]

- [BOARD THUDS]
- [GROANS]

Well, I guess Jeffrey was right,

uh, those things are
actually pretty versatile.

[DANNY] Yep! Psst.

Ma'am.

Hey. [WHISTLES]

Prince of the city.

This guy?

- How you doing?
- Oh, better than you, pal.

Yeah, that's for sure.

Here, face out like we're browsing.

I'll give you $16,000

if you tell them
Luca's really the mole.

Sixteen? I'm sorry, how'd
you come up with that sum?

Look, it's enough to start over with.

Fine. Fine. $22,000, clean.
You got an offshore account?

Buddy, I-I don't even
have an onshore one.

$125,000 cash. Just
get me out of this.

I'm sorry. Let me get this straight.

So, you started at


You really are a bad person.

- I'm not a bad person.
- Alright, who's a hero?

I'm a person who's
done some bad things.

- Congrats on being a person.
- Yeah.

- And good luck with your ulcer.
- Hm.

[SIGHS]

Is my WITSEC good to go?

Seeing as you've helped us
arrest a compromised agent

and you're agreeing to testify
against the other four families

in the Southwest
Syndicate, yes, it is.

On one condition, cancel
the hit on Charlie.

Oh!

Oh, okay.

Ah, geez.

Ah, thanks, buddy.

I appreciate you
going to that trouble.

Of making sure you don't get m*rder*d?

Yeah, it's very much
the least I can do.

Plus, if you got whacked, it would be

a real blow to my career.

Ready when you are, Mrs. Hasp.

I'm really, uh, I'm
sorry about Jeffrey.

Maybe witness protection
will be a chance

to live the kind of
life he wanted for us.

A fresh start.

A fresh start, huh?

I like that.

Ah, maybe I got one of
those on my hands too.

Yeah.

No mob on my tail,

uh, nothing to run from.

Hmm.

[♪ "BARRACUDA" BY JOHN CALE PLAYING]

♪ Dark woman in the water drowning ♪

♪ Sinking in a funny way ♪

♪ Black footing for a face exploding ♪

♪ Mimicking our final days ♪

♪ The ocean will have us all ♪

♪ The ocean will have us all ♪

♪ Dark woman in a cupboard burning ♪

♪ Woman, what have they done? ♪

♪ Dark woman like a
panther breathing ♪

♪ Woman, what can be done? ♪

♪ Barracuda, barracuda ♪

♪ Won't you lay down
your life for me? ♪

[CHARLIE] This season
on "Poker Face"...

[TIRES SCREECHING]

I've been thinking about
maybe settling down,

getting one of these, uh,
normal lives I've heard about.

[SPEAKER 1] This is
the first date now.

Make or break time.

I don't know what to
wear. Who am I becoming?

I don't know, I kinda like it.

♪♪

Something is amiss.

[SPEAKER 2] I'm gonna
find whoever did this.

This is basically m*rder. m*rder!

Everywhere I go, I get sucked
into other people's bullshit.

What you're saying is,
uh, that you didn't, uh,

m*rder Maddie but you would have?

- Totally.
- Your candor is alarming.

Oh, but here I can
just, just be a person.

[♪ UPBEAT, JAZZY MUSIC PLAYING]

It's gonna be a bloodbath.

♪♪

Woo!

♪♪

- You were saying?
- I stand corrected.

[♪ "BARRACUDA" CONTINUES]