01x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

ISABELLA INCHBALD: 'In the UK today,

'one in five people have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

I am working from home!

'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up! Aaah!

'..into w*r zones...

'and Victorian terraces...'

These lights need to be taken down
this year!

'..into battle grounds.

'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.

'The city of Plymouth in Devon,
a holiday destination for some,

'but for van driver Mark Wahlberg,

'this city
has been home for six years.'

I f*ck' love Plymouth, man.

You've got Asdas, OK,
the Mayflower Steps...

Plymouth Argyle, Cornwall.

Let me tell you something
right now,

I am an honorary Janner.
Come on, you Greens!

'But Mark's poor physical health
holds him back.'

Just give me two seconds.
You turn the camera off, that OK?

All right. OK.

Oh, no.

Oh, no, what's happenin'?
What's goin' on here?

Oh, just a few seconds ago I was
really happy, what's going on?

MAN: Are you OK, Mark?

I'm all right, I'm OK.

Do you want your inhaler?
What?

Do you want your inhaler?
No, I'm OK, what's...

I told you, I'm OK, I'm all right.
OK.

Yeah, I got asthma...

which is aggravated
by a high pollen count.

You know, the pollen,
it kills me, man.

Yeah, the particles, they get in.
It's a real problem.

So, what do you have to do
to keep healthy?

Well, firstly, you know,
I have to keep the windows closed.

Even if it's hot outside.

Secondly, I gotta line the inside of
my nostrils with petroleum jelly.

That's very important,
I gotta do that.

That's a pain in the a*s,
let me tell you that much.

'Mark also suffers from
deep vein thrombosis,

'and under doctor's orders,
exercises daily.'

I didn't really
do any exercise before.

But now I'm walkin' around,
lookin' after my legs.

Tryin' to be healthy here.

But now when I go outside,
the pollen is killin' me here.

'But Mark found the answer
when he began making his own honey.

'Mark believes
the honey made by local bees

'can alleviate allergic symptoms
that can bring on an asthma attack.'

As soon as
I'm eatin' my own honey -

Boom! My asthma's gone.

Nature's f*ck' medicine.

But then, all of a sudden...

a swarm of wasps decided to show up.

BUZZING
'In a matter of weeks

'an army of wasps had invaded.

'Unbeknown to Mark,
his neighbour Chris Rock,

'had accumulated
a collection of pop cans

'and now the sugar
was attracting the wasps.'

Suddenly, he gradually...
just left all the cans there.

'Mark soon became concerned
for the welfare of his bees,

'so asked Chris to remove the cans,
but he refused.'

And what's bad for bees? Wasps!

They may look similar,
but they f*ck' hate each other.

'Coming up...'

Just... crushing... these... cans,
Marky Mark.

'..tensions rise as Chris Rock
shows a can-do attitude.

'We move now from England to Wales -

'Whitchurch Village near Cardiff,

'where Beyonce Knowles has lived
for four years at number four...

'and juggles
a successful telesales job

'with being a mother,
whilst working from home.'

I sell all kinda things
over the phone from home.

Anything from home insurance
to bulk-buy nappies.

I got a really good deal for you,

you just stay on the line now
for five minutes,

you just give me five minutes
of your time.

It's the perfect job for me.

And fits in with my husband,
who often isn't at home...

He works in the fire service.

"Whitschurch"
is such a nice place to live,

with excellent local amenities.

Do you know
the Llanishen leisure centre?

MAN: Erm, I don't, no.

They have a wave pool.

I love wave pools.

'One day, whilst working...'

OK, Mr Simpson,
may I call you David?

'..Beyonce heard a strange noise
coming from next door.'

I was on a call,
and suddenly I got interrupted

by this high-pitched whining noise
coming through the wall.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINING

It-It sounded like the purge.

It affected my work.
It was constant.

It was, like, a noise like...
HIGH-PITCHED: Beeeeee.

Beeeeee.

Byyeeu. Nnnnn. Veeee.

'Beyonce decided to head next door

'and speak to her friend
and neighbour, Billie Eilish,

'to find out the source
of the unidentified racket.'

I decided to go over
and knock on her door

and I was like,
"Hey, girl, what was that noise?"

I was just asking and she said,
"A vacuum cleaner."

And I was like, "Child, please."

That so-called vacuuming noise,
it kept happening and happening.

And happening. And happening.

And happening.

That's a lot of vacuuming.
And I thought,

"Girl, sooner or later you
ain't gonna have no carpets left."

'But not long after,

'Beyonce accepted a
package for Billie Eilish

'and made an interesting discovery.'

When I saw the wording,

I put two and two together...

and made business.

Billie was running a business
from her house.

So later,
I took the package round...

..and I said to her, "Are you
running a business from your house?"

And she said, "Yes, I'm running
a business from my house,

"and it's none of your business."

SHE SCOFFS

Took the box
and slammed the door on my face.

That's when I knew what I was
hearing through the partition...

She was running
an ill*gal dentist shop in there.

It all... made... sense!

While I was trying
to get a sale off,

she was getting plaque off.

'Coming up...'
THEY CHANT

'..it's fighting talk.'
I am working from home!

I am working from home!

I am working from home!

'Back in Plymouth, Devon,

'Mark Wahlberg's bees that were
literally helping to keep him alive

'were under attack
from Chris Rock's wasps.

'But aspiring strongman and waiter,
Chris Rock,

'believes Mark was the one
responsible

'for starting the dispute.'

I've been trainin' to be a strongman

since... March 2022.

I wanted to get strong
and look after myself.

One day I'm training
and one of his bees stung me.

On the ear - right here.

I can't even do my signature
military bench press.

I can't get, hah, full extension,
you know -

haargh!
See what I'm talking about? Aaargh!

It really affected
my strongman training,

I was always
just a little bit scared

of when I was gonna be attacked.
You can't pump iron scared.

MAN: So why did you leave
all the cans out, Chris?

Originally... I said
it was me saving 'em to recycle,

you know, "Save the planet, Janet!",
all that.

So, did you leave the cans out
to attract wasps,

if you're being honest?
Yeah!

Wasps are aggressive toward bees.

I knew they'd drive 'em out
and I have my outdoor gym area back.

Becoming a UK Strongman contender,
you need confidence,

and I did not have that
when I was under attack.

BUZZING

'Chris Rock was forced to pump iron
in his cramped kitchen.'

Yeah. Hold on.

'But Chris's plan to use wasps
to drive out Mark's bees

'had started to work.'

Come here,
I wanna show you somethin'.

You can see
how close the gardens are.

And all his cans
are right there next to the hive.

So when I came over to get honey,
I was usually getting two jars,

but when the wasps came,
I was only getting half a jar.

That's not enough for my asthma.

Which meant I couldn't go outside.

And which also meant...
my deep vein thrombosis flared up.

I was getting it from both sides.
Here and here.

'Mark contacted the council
to complain about Chris's cans.

'The council instructed Chris to
dispose of his cans within 28 days.'

CLATTERING
What?!

Chris!
Chris, what are you doing, man?

Stop!
Stop doing what you're doing.

It's twelve thirty at night.

Come on, be a good neighbour,
come on.

I gotta pee in four hours,
it's very important for me, Chris,

you're really upsetting me here.
Come on, I need my four hours.

I gotta get up, I...
I gotta urinate.

Just... crushing... these cans,
Marky Mark.

Don't... wanna... miss...
the deadline.

Oh, come on, man, it's too late for
you to do that. Come on, Chris.

I can't believe this.
What's he doing?

I thought that was the end of it,
I really did.

But then...

we discovered a wasp's...

nest.

'With a large colony of wasps
now in the garden,

'Chris was forced
to stay inside the house,

'unable to train.

'A prisoner of his own making,

'Chris's kitchen was too small to
accommodate his strongman training.'

You better believe it, the wasps,
they gave me some justice.

Nature's justice.

'Coming up,
Chris goes to w*r on nature.'

It is extremely difficult

to operate a spray can
with socks on your hands.

Aaaargh!

'In Cardiff, Beyonce Knowles's world
had been turned upside down

'by strange noises coming from
Billie Eilish's house next door.

'Beyonce decided
to document things.'

HIGH-PITCHED WHINING

That is the sound
reverberating through the wall

of my next door neighbour
Billie Eilish,

using some kind of a...
dentist-al equipment.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINING
How many times today?

HIGH-PITCHED WHINING
SLOWS AND STOPS

38.

'Up until recently,
Beyonce and neighbour Billie Eilish,

'had been firm friends.

'Beyonce was a regular
at Billie's house

'for a weekly meet-up,
nicknamed Mummy Mondays.'

Hey, Gwyneth, quit filming!
On it.

'Held every Monday at Billie's, this
group of mums would get together,

'have a cuppa, a chat and a laugh.'

I'm not shaking it off.
You are.

I'm not shaking it off!
Girl, you got it.

I used to love Mommy Mondays.

No divas, no drama,
just moms hanging out,

talking, laughing, whatever.
But then this one Mommy Mondays,

Beyonce gets all up in my face

and is accusing me of running
a back-alley dentistry.

A totally false allegation,
because I'm not a dentist,

I'm a dental hygienist.

So different.

'Billie had bought some second-hand
dental equipment online,

'set it up at home,

'and had been cleaning
between ten and 15 mouths a week.'

You're doing good.

All right, let's get you there.

I clean people's teeth
in my kitchen.

It's cheaper
than going to the dentist,

you just get charged too much.

I was helping people out,
and Beyonce didn't like that,

so, Mommy Mondays stopped...

cos the moms just found
the situation too tense.

They just stopped showing up.

'A few months later, Billy received
a letter from the council...

'stating she would need to register
the business at the property

'to continue trading.'

Bro, it was a kick in the teeth,
literally.

But I got over it.

I'm not gonna let her mess up
what I had going on.

Bro, this music is good.

So I started up a new meet-up group
called Tapas Tuesdays,

with the other moms,
we'd meet in the garden,

eat Spanish food and it was good.

I love learning about
Spanish culture.

'Coming up, Tapas Tuesday group

'get a lesson in self-defence.'

THEY CHANT

'Back in Plymouth,
Chris Rock had been locked inside

'by the wasps
he had himself attracted.

'But everything
was about to come to a head.'

I wanted...
I wanted to put up this,

so I'm standing over there
and I start drillin'.

And then before I know it,
the drill goes in real deep,

I got a big hole
and I just hear some buzzin'.

And then the whole room
started filling with wasps.

'Chris had drilled
all the way through the wall

'and into the wasps' nest
on the other side.'

It was like being on the highway
during rush hour.

They were everywhere.

So I get my bearings
and I skedaddle.

'At that very moment,
Mark was returning home.'

So I was coming back from the shop
to get some honey for my asthma,

and Chris is running outside,
crying,

"We got a wasp situation.
We got a wasp situation.

"What am I gonna do?"

And I was just like, "I don't know,
empty a can of wasp spray into it?"

I was just joking...

but that crazy son of a b*tch,
he went for it.

Every single part of my body
was covered and safe.

I was confident my makeshift armour
will withstand an attack,

so, I ran over and emptied
the whole can into the nest.

Aaargh!

MAN: Chris,
how many times were you stung? 24!

I hear this commotion and Chris
is all there like, "Uuurrgh!"

He hands me his car keys
and he says...

AS CHRIS:
"Please, take me to the hospital!"

BEEPING
So I drove him to the hospital.

I'm OK.

I was just attacked 24 times,
and I would've died

if it had not have been for
this fine human being

sat right here beside me.

I had you wrong all along,
Marky Mark.

That's-That's OK, Chris,
it's all... Aaargh.

Sorry, sorry. Sorry about that.

'Mark went back to making honey,
but with an unlikely assistant.'

Make sure you get that jar in shot,
Chris.

There you go. There you go.

'In Whitchurch, Cardiff,

'the friendship between neighbours
Beyonce Knowles and Billie Eilish

'have become strained
over a noise dispute.

'And now, with no invite to
Billie's regular Tapas Tuesdays,

'the gap between them had widened.'

I didn't invite Beyonce

because of the bad vibes
she was creating in Mommy Mondays.

And then she started
causing problems over the fence,

which was screwing up
my Tapas Tuesdays.

h*. h*! h*! Ha!
Hee!

I hadn't really noticed
there were extra cars on Tuesdays

because I had taken on
a taekwondo student.

And a one, and a two.
That's it, go, girl.

My friend Priyanka,
had asked for tuition

and we were just doing some drills
in the garden.

'Beyonce Knowles had begun teaching
Priyanka Chopra

'the martial art of taekwondo
in her back garden.

'But it clashed with
next door's Tapas Tuesdays.

'These women were there that day

'but only agreed to speak to us
if we kept their identities secret.'

So, we hear all this grunting
coming over the fence.

We were like, "OK",

but Billie turned up
the Spanish music to drown them out.

Yeah. Then Beyonce
turned hers up a bit louder,

then Billie retaliated
by turning hers up to the max,

and then Beyonce went louder again.

ALL: Mmm.
Yeah. Mm-hm.

Like, really awkward.
Right.

Absolutely mental,
I filmed it all on my phone. Mm-hm.

Yeah, girl. What is that sound?

She had her hi-fi speaker pumping
out some mystical stuff, real loud.

Oh, what? What is that?

I had decided to introduce some
Korean music into the lesson

to focus the mind and create
a calm learning environment.

I am working from home!

So was I, I'm a dental hygienist.

You're a dentist school dropout!

Come on, ladies,
can we please talk this through?

I am working from home!

'With the noise
at ridiculous levels...'

I'm working from home!
I'm working from home!

'..somebody called the police.'

I hear you, bro!
Search them all for evidence.

I decided to fight fire with fire...

I guess it wasn't the right way
to deal with it.

And I know I went too far,
but... we both did.

It must've been the music...

and Spanish wine.
Mm.

But we have
some successful results now.

Yellow.

'Since the dispute's culmination,

'Beyonce now teaches Priyanka
at a different location.'

I've known Priyanka
for a few months,

she works at
the leisure centre too.

I'm a lifeguard...
on the big pool for adults.

And Beyonce here
is teaching me to kick a*s.

Well, self-defence really
but, yeah, she could kick your a*s.

And-And now,
as well as Taekwondo Tuesdays,

we do Wasabi Wednesdays.
h* h* h*.

MAN: Erm, so what do you both
get up to on a Friday?

BOTH: None of your business.

'Billie has now moved her business
into the garden,

'to keep her noise to a minimum.'

CHAIR WHIRRS AND CREAKS

'Next time
on Deep Fake Neighbour Wars...

'Tom Holland and Nicki Minaj
find an unwelcome visitor.'

Get the f*ck off my roof, Mark!

'And Matthew McConaughey's tree
pushes Dua Lipa to breaking point.'

I don't care!
I'm sick of it!