01x04 - Episode 4

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: 'In the UK today,
one in five people

'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

I am working from home!

'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

'..into w*r zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

These lights need to be taken down
this year!

'..into battle grounds.

'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'

'Alderley Edge, in Cheshire.

'Dog walker, Nicki Minaj,

'and Health and Safety Officer,
Tom Holland,

'moved here four years ago,

'and last year got married.'

You know,
it was love at first sight.

It so was.

He reminded me of a dog.

What? You know how
some dogs have those human eyes?

Tom has those kind of eyes.

Human, but the kind that dogs have.

And you know, being that
I work with so many canines,

looking at those dog eyes
just really made me feel at home.

How could I not put a ring on it?

She's got the four Bs -
brains, beauty, business and...

I can't believe
we're actually married.

'But shortly after their wedding...'

DRAMATIC MUSIC

'..Nicki and Tom
had a very unsettling encounter

'with their next door neighbour.'

We had just got back
from our honeymoon. Our homecoming.

Tom drops his bags

and then I started following
right behind him like this. Mm.

The first thing I noticed
was this horrible

sort of boiled egg smell.

Urgh.
Eurgh! Move.

We started entering into the house
to find out what that smell was.

And then I saw him,
and I started to scream...

SHE SCREAMS
..and he was spread out like this.

MIMICS NEIGHBOUR
WHIMPERING

'Nicki and Tom
were shocked to discover

'that the intruder was, in fact,

'their next door neighbour,
Mark Zuckerberg,

'who had somehow found his way
into their home.'

It was so strange.

I'd not said more than,
"Hi" or "Hello" to this bloke,

now he's on me bloody sofa.

I was shaking him
trying to wake him up.

Come on, mate.

Mate. Mate, wake up.

Hello? Come on, mate, mate!

And when he woke up,
he didn't even apologise.

He just walked off like this,

"Ay-ay-ay-ay".

Like he was being beamed up
into a starship.

Our spidey senses was tingling
about him, weren't they?

Yeah, I mean,
I just thought he was pissed.

I just thought he'd have a shower,
sleep it off

and we'd return to our routine,
"Hi's" and "Hellos."

'But there was nothing routine
about what happened next...

'as neighbour Mark's actions
became even stranger.

'Leaving behind the troubling times
in Alderley Edge,

'we go now to picturesque
Bury St Edmunds, Suffolk...

'..where wood carver,
Floyd Mayweather,

'and his partner,
online gamer Dua Lipa,

'moved to six years ago.'

So, I'm an online gamer
and streamer.

My team recently made it
into the top ten, in Suffolk,

on Dungeons & Dragons.

Wait, I think I'm still logged in,
hold on a sec.

She's a hell of a gamer.

Um, oh, and me, uh,
I'm just a lucky guy.

Um, I have a... a beautiful lady.

Um, I really love my job,

and I just love living in Bury.

'On the surface, Floyd and Dua
were the couple who had everything.

GAME AUDIO: 'Take that. Eat this!'

'But their idyllic lifestyle
was thrown into turmoil

'with a new arrival next door.'

So we thought we had this really
great neighbour move in next door,

Matthew McConaughey.

He was like
one of those mellow types.

Like, he meditates and stuff.

You were good mates,
weren't you?

Yeah. We were cool, absolutely.

We had some good times.

One particular summer, we had
a blast watching the World Cup.

Oh, my grandfather's half Croatian,
so...

Uh, I remember
I had called that summer,

best summer ever - BSE.

'But the friendship
began to turn sour

'over a shady spot
in Floyd's garden.'

So, this is my back yard.

This is where I work.
Um, I make these.

You know, it's not the best ever,
but I enjoy it.

You know, and we get by most months.

I like to use nature
for my inspiration.

That's probably why
I like to work outside.

Um, you know,
and with the intricate nature

of the work that I do,
I need great lighting.

All my best work happens
under the light.

So, you know, I need good lighting.

'But Floyd's precious lighting
was taken away by a tree.

'One afternoon,
late last summer,

'Floyd was hard at work
on his wood carvings

'when the unthinkable happened.'

We don't even know
how long he's had that tree.

You know, it was OK
for a couple of summers,

but a few years later,
way too much shade.

DRAMATIC MUSIC
INTENSIFIES

As soon as it gets past midday,
I can't use the garden for my work.

What the f*ck?

I work from home.

Now we're-we're
the only house on the street

with an earlier sunset
than everybody else.

JOURNALIST: And, Dua,
how did that make you feel?

Well...
SIGHS

..I didn't care at first,
if I'm honest.

I don't need light, I'm a gamer.

I need it dark.

'But Floyd needed his light back

'and so decided to confront
Matthew McConaughey.'

So, at this particular time,
I had enough,

and I figure
Matthew was a friend of mine,

so I'd just go over here
and talk to him.

So I went over to his house,
just right here,

and knocked on his door
just like this

and I said, "Hey, Matthew,

"do you mind if you could just cut
your tree down just a little?"

He looked at me,
and he said, "Sorry, Floyd,

"this tree contains
the essence of my grandfather."

And then he looked at me like...
like he was gonna cry, like...

Yeah, we thought he'd buried
his grandfather's remains

under the tree or something.

It was the most serious thing
that he'd ever said to me. Mm-hm.

'The tree's significance
was confirmed to us

'by next door neighbour
Matthew McConaughey,

'a part-time doula.'

That's right. I'm a part-time doula.

I know what you're thinking -
what's a doula?

Well, I support and help women
deliver babies.

A little unusual, I know, but, uh,
I'm just answering nature's call.

JOURALIST: Matthew, you said
the tree was important to you.

I said to Floyd

that this tree was
the last memory of my grandfather.

And this man...
he wasn't any grandparent.

No, he would pick me up from school

once every fortnight,
you understand.

Sometimes, I come outside
and I talk to the tree

as though, uh,
as though he was still here.

JOURNALIST: Floyd said that you said

that if he touched
a single leaf on that tree,

you would destroy him.
That's right.

Yes, sir, that is right.

'Coming up, Floyd fights back
with a tree of his own.'

You know in the Bible they say, uh,
it's an eye for an eye,

but this was a tree for a tree.

'Meanwhile, over in Alderley Edge,

'Mark Zuckerberg's strange behaviour

'continued to alarm his neighbours
Tom Holland and Nicki Minaj.'

So, it was my day off...

..and I was making lunch.
NICKI HUMS

Oh yum. Little bit of this...

Man, I love cookin'.

And then I come into the front room,
and I look out onto the street,

and there he is!

Mark, stood there mouth wide open,

motionless for, like, ages..

..and then the next day,
there he is again.

And then, like, a few days later,
there he is AGAIN.

He was right there, looking at me

with those piercing eyes.

He was invading my privacy
with those weird eyes.

No way can I sit idly by hearing
what he was doing to my wife.

It was within my power
and it was my responsibility

and I take my power...
responsibly... greatly.

So I decided to confront
Mr Zuckerberg.

You know, it was calm for, like,
a whole two to three days.

And then the doorbell rung.

And it's him standing there
with a plate of cookies.

Which I refused.

I said to him,
"We don't want no weirdo cookies."

Who knows what that
stinking m*therf*cker did to them.

But he kept insisting.

"Ooh, accept these cookies,
accept these cookies,

"accept these cookies."

So finally I did -
just to get rid of him.

I wanted him and his egg smell gone.

Next thing we know...
Yeah.

..the guy is on top of our roof...
Our roof!

..probably trying to get
a better angle to spy on me.

I mean, who can blame him? Phwoar.

'Coming up...

'Oddball neighbour Mark Zuckerberg
finally cracks...'

TOM: Mark, don't do that!

'..and expl*sive scenes
disturb the peace in Alderley Edge.'

I don't care! I'm sick of it!

'Back in Bury St Edmunds,

'part-time doula
Matthew McConaughey's tree

'was ruining
Floyd Mayweather's work area

'with its relentless shade.

'Having had his polite request
to trim the tree refused,

'Floyd decided
to take Matthew on at his own game.'

So I decided I would plant
my own tree in my garden,

right next to his.

JOURNALIST: And why was that?

Oh, cos I needed
something that'd go toe to toe

or root to root.

I figure the roots will go down

and maybe mess with his
just a little.

Sure, his tree's a lot bigger,
more experienced,

longer reach, um, but I like an
underdog, there's always a chance.

You know, in the Bible they say, uh,

it's "an eye for an eye",
but this was a tree for a tree.

You know what,
I thought it was a bush at first.

I thought...
CHUCKLES

.."that's cute, look at him
trying to grow something."

I was playing the long game.

I was playing it smart.

Matthew had no idea.

He thought I just got quiet
and let it slide.

Uh-uh. For two years,
my tree was getting bigger...

..and bigger and bigger.

..and bigger.

It took me two years to realise
what was happening.

I'd noticed that
Floyd had been a crafty little guy

and planted a tree.

'Matthew was now under threat
from a genuine contender.'

I thought to myself,

"All right, all right, all right,
now we are having fun.'

Then one day, I saw, like,
a white powder around the tree,

and I wasn't sure if it was, like,
salt or if it was sugar, so...

You know, I got down on my knees,
and I tasted it.

It was salt sprinkled
all around the tree roots.

Floyd found out that
rock salt can k*ll tree roots.

It takes weeks
for salt to k*ll a tree

and it takes several doses,

so I found out that who...
whoever did this,

they was coming back.

So you know what I did?

I got Dua's webcam
and I used it as surveillance.

It meant that I couldn't do
any gaming, which was annoying.

'And it wasn't long before
Floyd and Dua's plan paid off.'

MCCONAUGHEY ON WEBCAM:
'All right, here we go.'

HE CACKLES

It's on now.

And when we saw this,
I knew we had him.

So that's when
I reported him to the council.

I told him
it was simply preposterous.

I would never take
the life of a tree.

I was simply having
problems with slugs,

and I had identified a route
they were using to enter my garden.

All right.

'Coming up, Dua's got new rules.'

I don't care! I'm sick of it!

I'm a gamer!
I just want to game in peace!

FLOYD: Hey, wait, baby.

'Back in Alderley Edge,

'newlyweds Nicki Minaj
and Tom Holland's privacy

'had been invaded by
their unhinged next door neighbour,

'Mark Zuckerberg.'

He was invading my privacy
with those weird eyes.

'But next door neighbour
driving instructor Mark,

'felt he was being
unfairly misrepresented.'

So, I fully admit
that my behaviour was strange.

But I did not intend to invade
anybody's privacy. No, senator.

Uh, for months, I was having
these strange episodes of confusion

and I didn't know why.

But eventually...
everything came to a head.

DISTURBING MOAN

NICKI: Oh, my God!
What the hell's he doing now?

Get the f*ck off my roof, Mark!

Mark, hell, no.
I'm gonna get him down myself.

TOM: Nicki, he's fallen!
Oh, my God!

SHE SCREAMS
Nicki, I'm scared!

So I was on top of the roof
and all confused again.

It was a very dangerous situation,
so I made a friend request...

Excuse me, I requested from a friend
to call the fire brigade

and they arrived
and they got me down safely.

Go, fire brigade.

SIRENS WAIL

FIREMAN: We'll take it from here.
Ladder's over there.

There we go there.

And then when they were here,
they noticed the funny smell,

and they noticed
that there was a gas leak.

So I suddenly figured out what had
been wrong with me this whole time.

I had gas poisoning.

HE LAUGHS

So, this is
Nicki and Tom's gas pipe here

and it was leaking
through my air brick here

and that was leaking
into my property.

And Tom
is a health and safety officer

so I was a little bit surprised
that he didn't realise.

I was surprised by that.

When I come through
that front door,

I turn off from work

and my only priority
is making sure my queen is happy.

The gas poisoning meant
that I couldn't think straight.

You know,
I was all groggy and confused

and that's why I was, like,
standing in the front drive

like a lunatic all the time.
You know, I was, like...

MIMICS ZOMBIE MOAN

HE LAUGHS

And when Tom came to my door...
wagging his finger in my face,

I-I genuinely had no idea
what was on his mind.

'I was so shocked that
I-I didn't say a word.'

But I thought
that he was really cross,

so I thought, "Hey, maybe
some cookies as a peace offering."

Who can say no to my cookies?

I mean, the fire brigade
they-they loved theirs.

People love my cookies.

JOURNALIST: Mark,
is it true your girlfriend left

because of all this happening?

She-She did. Uh, it was the smell
of gas that made her leave.

My-My-My sense of smell hadn't been
the same since I got COVID,

um, so I couldn't smell the gas,

but my girlfriend could
and so she... essentially left.

She, she signed out.

My girlfriend left me because
she said that I smelled like

boiled eggs.
HE SIGHS SADLY

"My girlfriend broke up with me,
cos I smell like eggs."

RASPY LAUGHTER

That smell was him,
not a gas pipe.

She even does impressions!
Ah, she's amazing.

"Eh-Eh-Egg."

It sounds just like him.
Do it again, do it again.

What if he had, like,
a British accent, he'll be like,

"My girlfriend broke up with me,
cos I smell like bloody egg."

We do sound like that.

'Whilst Nicki and Tom
refuse to admit any responsibility

'for the gas leak, Mark is slowly
putting his life back together,

'and with some old tea towels

'has safeguarded against
any future gas leaks.'

Blocked.

'Back in Bury St Edmunds,

'Floyd Mayweather
and his wife, Dua Lipa,

'had complained to the council

'about their neighbour
Matthew McConaughey's shady tree

'and after weeks of waiting,
they received a reply...

'but it was not
what they were expecting.'

The council came back to us
and said that-that...

that we need to cut our tree down.

DUA SCOFFS
Matthew's tree was somehow

on some landmark list,
and because our tree

could potentially harm his tree,
we were ordered to...

BOTH: ..cut our tree down.

So all that time using my webcam
for surveillance footage

was for nothing.

I lost my place
on the D&D team because of that.

And that's when sh*t got real.

FLOYD: 'Baby, look...

'Listen! Uh, baby!'

AXE THUDS

'I'm not sure that's the right
kind of axe for that, sweetie.'

I don't care! I'm sick of it!

I'm a gamer!
I just want to game in peace!

'Oh, sh*t,
he's in the garden! Wait...

'Hey, that's not...
That's Matthew's grandad!

'Oh, that lying piece of sh*t!

'McConaughey!'

You pushed me way too f*cking far
this time, man.

That's enough, Matthew!

JOURNALIST: So this whole time,
Matthew's grandad was in fact alive?

Yeah.
He was lying to us for three years.

Three years of tree growth.

Three years of short daylight.

Three years of bad feelings.

I'm never goin' get that back.

MCCONAUGHEY: 'Look, I never once
said that my grandfather was dead.'

Floyd jumped to that conclusion
and I thought it was funny,

so I kinda went along with it.

JOURNALIST: So it was a joke?

CHUCKLES
Yeah.

It, er, got out of hand.

What I meant to say was

this tree is a tribute to
my grandfather who bought it.

In B&Q.
So why didn't you tell him sooner?

It kinda got funnier,
the longer it went on.

'I do feel bad.'

I hope we can be friends again.

I did this thing one summer...

HUMS ALONG
TO POUNDING

# Best summer ever BSE... #

Let me hear y'all.

VOCALISES
Come on, Floyd!

JOURNALIST: Matthew confessed to us
off camera

that the letter you received
from the council was, in fact,

created by him
and wasn't a real letter.

What the f*ck?
What?

The tree wasn't on
any sort of landmark register.

Matthew knew that you'd be upset

and he wanted to give you
this peace offering to say sorry.

He was hoping there might be
another best summer ever.

What do you think?

Oh, I'm gonna tell you what I think.

Oh, yeah,
I'm gonna tell you what I think.

Bullshit!

That's what I think.
Yeah.

I woke up this morning,
looked outside my window...

..and look what I saw.

Came up overnight.

They must've planted those daisies
months ago.

They got me good.

They got me real good.

I love you guys, too!

FLOYD: f*ck you, McConaughey.
DUA: Yeah, you prick!

All right, all right.
Now we are having fun!

'On Deep Fake: Neighbour Wars,

'Olivia Colman and Jay-Z's cat
is snatched...'

That's attempted kidnap!

'..Will Smith plays peacekeeper,

'and Lorraine Kelly
has trouble in her garden.'

I've been attacked in the shins!