01x06 - Episode 6

[bunniefuu]

NARRATOR: 'In the UK today
one in five people

'have a dispute
with their neighbour.'

I am working from home!

'These escalate...'
He threw the first one!

'..turning quiet cul-de-sacs...'
Shut up!

'..into w*r zones,
and Victorian terraces...'

These lights need to be taken down
this year!

'..into battle grounds.

'This is Deep Fake Neighbour Wars.'

'Dunkeswell, Devon.

'Newlyweds Cardi B and Tyson Fury
moved here four years ago,

'looking for a simple life away

'from the hustle and bustle
of the city.

It were meant to be
our forever home, you know,

nice garden, not too big,

enough room
for a little sing song.

And IN the rolling hills
of Duhvon, okurrr!

Devon. She meant Devon.

'But trouble was about to arrive
on their doorstep,

'in the shape of their
next door neighbour Simon Cowell.'

And then I opened the door
and Simon says,

"You put your bin bag out
on the wrong day

"and that encourages rats."

Where we used to live, the bins
got took out every other Wednesday,

so it's an easy mistake to make it,
in't it?

And then Simon was really rude
and called me a blow-in.

Do you know what a blow-in is?

Blow-in is a derogatory term

to classify anybody
what's not born in the locality.

It were very, very hurtful language,
wasn't it, sweetie?

Mm-hmm.

'But this was only the start
of an ongoing battle

'that would last over a year

'with their next door neighbour
Simon Cowell.'

TYSON: Now then, where are we?

I've never had, um,
a south facing garden before,

and I absolutely love
home-grown strawberries,

so I were keen
to make the most of the summer,

but it's a very clay type soil,
you see,

so I had to have some sand delivered
for the drainage.

So I were working the spade
as I do,

seven days a week
and twice on a Sunday,

and I never heard the lorry
delivering the bags.

REVERSE ALARM BLARES

Couldn't hear anything,
couldn't hear a thing.

ALARM CONTINUES

So, I've come out here
and the useless pack of bums

have put it right there

bang in the middle
of the driveways.

Two ton total.

Simon weren't happy.

And then he started shouting,
"It's on my side.

"You're on my side!"

And then he stood two legs apart

and then he started pointing
to each side of the driveway

like, "Err,
you're on my side, your side,

"my side, your side,

"Err-err-err-err-err-err-rr-rr!"

Like, forever.

He were aggressive,
you know, and...

and his neck
looked all tense and that,

like he'd had a few too many
sambucas and was ready for a scrap.

I were absolutely petrified,
I really was.

And I tell you something -

I don't care whether you're
built like a brick sh*t house,

or whether you've got ba*ls
the size of King Kong and Godzilla

wrapped into one,
there ain't a man born to his mother

whose arsehole wouldn't go
in that situation.

And my arsehole went.

In fact, it did a marathon
down the street and never returned.

'That night the couple went to bed

'hoping that things
would be better the next day.

'But the following morning,
battle lines were drawn...

'literally.

'Simon had painted a boundary line
between the two properties.'

The line were all wobbly, you know.

I tell you what it looked like,

it looked like
a drunk seagull with the shits

had flown up and down the driveway,
going up and down sh1tting,

sh1tting, up and down,

sh1tting.

'Coming up...

'Simon's painting skills
has Tyson seething.'

He stole three grand's worth
of land off of me.

Eh-eh!

'Across the country,
in the London suburb of Kidbrooke,

'sous chef Harry Kane,
finally secured his dream move

'from north to south London

'and he told us about the special
deal he had with his landlady.'

Yeah, no, I feel very lucky.

I've got a very good relationship
with my landlady,

you know,
she gives me reduced rent

and in return I sort out the flat.

Er, decorating, tiling,
grouting, wallpapering,

carpets, windows, cupboards,
doors, sinks...

..shelves.
Skimmed that wall, er doors,

dipped them and stripped 'em.

Er, skimmed that wall twice,
had to do the double.

Er, it's probably in the top
four places I've ever lived,

actually, yeah, I didn't wanna move,

I just wanted to work hard
and keep my place in the flat.

'Harry's proudest achievement
at the property was his patio.'

Look at that, perfect,
not even any dust either, magic.

'But then one day,
the patio came under attack.'

I was drying up in there,
and I heard this bang,

so I go over to the back door
and opened it up.

I've come out, I've looked down
and one of my patio tiles is cracked

with an iron next to it.

You don't need to be a genius

to work out that
that iron cracked my patio tile...

..and it had to have come
from the neighbour upstairs.

'But despite repeated attempts
to make contact...'

HEAVY BANGING

'..nobody answered
the door upstairs.

I bang the door like that,
he's pretending he didn't hear me,

he didn't...
L-Listen! Listen to that.

THUDDING
You can hear that, it's really loud.

The knocker as well, look...

RATTLY TAPPING

..it's louder with the hand.
DULL BANG

Nothing. That's... It's... What...

If anything it's what
annoyed me more.

'So Harry looked for
a replacement tile,

'but sadly
it had been discontinued.'

I searched everywhere -

internet, forums...

my builder mates.

I even drove to a specialist place
in Burnley one cold Wednesday night,

no result.

That's when I decided to go direct
down the legal route.

'Harry instructed a solicitor

'to inform his neighbour
that they were responsible

'for the cost
of an entirely new patio.

'Harry's upstairs neighbour,
and reptile collector, Stormzy,

'wanted to give us
his side of events.'

To be honest,
we'd only actually exchanged hellos

on the stairs before that.

Kind of a nice guy,
smiley but not too chatty,

so when I got the letter
through the door,

I couldn't believe my eyes, like.

"Dear, Stormzy,

"as the resident of Flat 19,
it is your responsibility

"to see that no items from your
balcony fall, the height is tall.

"We have been made aware that there
was an item in your possession

"that fell on Harry Kane's patio."

And then some legal nonsense
down the bottom.

I don't even know what that is,
but, yeah, I hold my hands up.

I do hold my hands up.

I did put my iron on the balcony
to cool off, and it fell off.

But I did say
I was gonna get it sorted out.

REPORTER: So why didn't you
answer the door

when he first came up to tell you
about the crack in the tile?

Well... the truth is...

..like, he did come
banging on the door

and I was scared.

Like, imagine getting that, like,
proper knocking on the door,

proper BANGIN'.

BANGING

I was properly sh1tting myself.

Basically,
the iron was up there,

and then must have fallen off,
innit,

and then came down and then ended up
smashing the tile, so...

I don't know
what you want me to say, like,

it is what it is.

OK, so, if you look here...

..I found a tile in Italy,

yeah, I got it shipped over
and I was gonna lay it for him, too.

Innit, Loose Chocolate?
Say nuttin', fam.

'Coming up...

'push comes to shove,
when things get violent.

'Back in Dunkeswell,

'Cardi and Tyson woke up to
find a new addition to the property.

The line was so wobbly
that it encroached onto our side

and that meant that we'd lost land,
didn't it, sweetie?

Land grab. Okurrr.

'So, I'd done some calculations
based on the square yardage

'of the property's value,

'then I compared it
with the property market index

'of when we bought the thing
in 2018.'

And I worked out that with
all the wobbles added up together,

he stole three grand's worth of land
off of me.

Eeh-eeh!

Now, I don't care
whether you're stupid or what,

there ain't a man
walking God's planet

who can't see this for what it is.

Mm-mhm!

'Next door neighbour Simon Cowell,
a specialist mechanic,

'has lived her for seven years,

'working from home
restoring classic cars.'

I am the man you come to see
if you've got a Capri.

Capri, Capri,

rare Capri,

er, they had Escorts.

REPORTER: It seems
you and your neighbours

started out on the wrong foot.
Could you tell us what happened?

Er, so I told Cardi and Tyson

their wheelie bin's in my way

and then I get two tons of dirt
dumped on my driveway.

Good start to the relationship.

It's a no from me.

I mean, yes, the line I painted
could have been straighter,

but their solution
was an absolute joke.

It was a half-arsed job
with a jet washer

that left a gigantic zig zag line
all over my brickwork.

Amateur level stuff.

'Coming up...

'Tyson down, but not out.'

TYSON: Argh, Cardi, sweetie!
Me leg's stuck.

'Back in south London,

'Stormzy thought he had a solution
to his neighbour's cracked tile,

'when he had a replacement
sent over from Italy.'

I wanted to put things right,

so I decided to lay the new tile
as a surprise.

'Stormzy replaced the tile himself,
but something wasn't quite right.'

It was the wrong tile.

It was a rubbish substitution,

it's a completely different shade
and very slightly smaller.

'As far as Stormzy was concerned
the complete debt had been repaid.

'But Harry was furious
and contacted the letting agent

'who looked after both flats.

'With over 15 years' experience

'and just over 40 properties
to manage locally,

'Gal Gadot had a no-nonsense
approach to conflict resolution.'

Obviously it's not great
when tenants lock horns, but...

..I inspected the property

and was satisfied
with Stormzy's replacement tile.

As far as I was concerned,
he had done a good job.

'Stormzy felt the same way,

'but claims Harry's behaviour
suddenly changed.'

Yeah, like,
he started leaving notes for me,

telling me off for things,

and he kept going

and going,

and going...

..and he kept going.

It was a bombardment on my brain.

As you can see right here,

this is only two weeks' worth
of messages

from Harry Kane, from downstairs.

Look at this,
that is swearing in my book,

"Bugger off."

'In total, Harry left
158 Post-It notes for Stormzy.'

The guy's obviously lost the plot.

Yeah, no, obviously,
I was within my rights

to put Post-It notes on the wall.

None of them were rude, obviously,
they-they were just direct,

but Stormzy
obviously had a problem with that

and then that's when
the banging started, obviously.

DULL THUD FROM ABOVE

HARRY: Constant footsteps!

I could hear him in the bedroom,
in the toilet.

And when I brought it up with him

he just said
he got rid of the carpets

cos he prefers the floorboards.

The noise was deafening.

This is all I was doing.

Like this.

Does he really expect me
to walk around my own house like...

..like this?

Like, every time I'm walking

I could hear banging
from downstairs.

'The noisy neighbours' battle
continued for a number of weeks

'until finally
things came to a head.'

Eventually, I had enough.

I just said, "Do you know what?
Shut up!"

But then the banging kept going.

So I'm going, "Shut up" again.

And then, I swear
I heard him call me a name.

HARRY IN DISTANCE: Bellend!
So I'm going, "Shut up!"

I look down and I put my foot
through the floorboard.

'Now Stormzy was looking at losing
his security deposit

'for the damage to the floor,
but he wasn't the only one.'

REPORTER: And you ended up
doing damage to your own flat.

How did that happen?

Er, I done it with a ladle
from work.

Bang, bang, bang.

'Coming up...
a surprise visitor enters the fray.'

She came in like a...

like a hero.

'In Dunkeswell, Devon,

'Tyson and Cardi
were in a boundary dispute

with their next-door neighbour
Simon Cowell,

'but Simon claims he
wasn't the cause of the problems.'

It had just gone one o'clock, uh,
and I'd come out of here,

which I'd gone into to, um, urinate,

uh, and I hear this rattling
coming from outside.

So I get my phone out
to record it for evidence

and see this human man

dressed in a kind of, er,
batman costume.

TYSON COMBATIVELY: 'Who's the man?
Who is the man? Me, the Daddy King!'

So I immediately think, "Prat-man".

And that's when I heard the crack...

CRACK

..and then another crack...
CRACK

..and then the bang.

BANG

Argh, Cardi, sweetie!
Me leg's stuck.

It might be sprained!
I don't know!

'Tyson's weight

'meant he'd accidentally made a hole
in the roof of Simon's garage.'

Fantastic,
so now my garage roof leaked.

I've had power tools ruined
in there because of "Prat-man".

I were getting the kids'
shuttlecock off the roof,

I hold my hands up about that,
I admit it.

Eo-ow!

And then he started
banging on about his wet patch.

'The hole in the garage roof,
according to Simon,

'was letting in water.'

This was all wet,
and also this here.

Uh, this was all wet,
that was all wet,

uh, my tools were... sodden.

I could have been electrocuted.

I mean, come on,

are we really going to
talk about wet?

That is not a wet patch,
that's just damp,

that ain't no wet a*s wall!

I know wet, trust me,
heh-heh-heh!

'With tensions rising,
Cardi installed a CCTV camera.'

I knew this guy is trouble,
but the police, they wanted proof,

so I invested into a motion
sensor camera and if it moves,

this thing records his movement,

and we had some of those,
heh-heh-heh!

'It was a hot day,

'but there was no need for Simon
to be wearing just shorts.'

About two inches of butt cleavage
in broad daylight. Ugh!

'And then Simon gets up and starts
strutting up and down the driveway

'saying, "I'm an underwear model
on the catwalk." '

Like some sort of a mentalist.

It was a hot day
and I was on my own property.

So, I've come out into the driveway

and the big dosser's
prancing up and down the boundary

in front of my missus like a peacock

and I thought to meself,
"Hang on, mush,

"I'm not having it no more,
not happening."

REPORTER: So what did you do?
What happened?

Do you know what?
Something just-just snapped.

So I've stepped into the garage

and I've grabbed the very first
thing what I can get my hands on.

REPORTER: And what was it?

A jet washer.

He absolutely sh*t it.
He sh*t a brick.

I felt like a Spartan
to be honest with you.

But the funny thing was,

that the thing wasn't even
plugged in

and he didn't even know it.

Mind you, neither did I.

CARDI SNICKERS

'One year later, Tyson and Cardi
still live next door to Simon.

'They've put their house
on the market

'and are waiting to leave the area.'

We just want Simon and his Capris
and his a*s crack

out of our lives.
Out of our lives.

SIMON REVS ENGINE

'Back in South London,
over a period of six months,

'Harry Kane
and Stormzy's relationship

'had gone from civil to worse.

'With tensions rising,
landlord Gal Gadot,

'had to get involved
when things turned physical.'

I was made aware of the damage
to the floor and the ceiling,

but both tenants made repairments,
so... I was satisfied.

But then, imagine me hearing

there was a violent altercation
in the hallway.

Imagine.

I had to act.

OK, so, I'm coming home
from the pet shop, yeah,

and I put my bike there,
and then Harry Kane's come out

and told me
to put my bike over there.

But I don't wanna
put my bike over there,

I always leave it here.

So he's come out and start
pushing the bike towards me,

like he's gonna put it over
where HE wants it,

and I'm like, "No bro,
I wanna leave my bike here."

So he's pushing it, I said,
"Please, bruv,

"can I leave my bike here?"

I don't know what his problem is,
I don't, I don't.

So I'm pushing like this.

GRUNTS

He's pushing back and it is
getting quite close to my p*nis.

'I'm leaving my bike here,
and I've always left my bike here.'

I didn't want the bike there
because the pedals stick out,

and they catch my shins
when I go into the door to my flat.

If-If I've gotta take a bag
of rubbish out, it's a nightmare,

so, yeah, I-I was pushing the bike,
but he was pushing just as hard.

'Unknown to Harry and Stormzy,

'at that very moment,

landlord Gal Gadot
was arriving at the property

'to check on another flat
within the block.'

GAL: I enter and I see
Harry and Stormzy

wrestling with
a drop handle racing bike -

and I thought -

"This has got to stop."

GENTLE PIANO MUSIC

So I put my hands on my hip
and I said,

"Guys, stop."

And they did.

She came in like a...

like a hero.

I was at my lowest ebb.

I banged my toe nail proper hard

and the doctor said
I'll be out for a week.

Like...
I can still feel that, actually.

'Two weeks later

'a solution was found
to solve the warring neighbours.'

We swapped flats.

Gal suggested it
and it solved all our problems.

I love my new flat.

I've always wanted wooden floors,

but I didn't think
I could afford them, but now I can.