01x06 - Ultimate Frisbee

[bunniefuu]

[birds tweeting]

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[music ends]

Oh, you're up early.

Which makes sense,

because you fell asleep early.

I'm sorry I crashed.

I was awake the whole time

you were brushing your teeth,

but then, in my defense, you flossed.

Because I know that you've complained

about the flavor of my back tooth.

And I appreciate your vigilance,

and let's have a do-over later.

Love it. Sexy do-over.

Also, guess where I went

while you were in the shower?

No!

You drove all the way to Crazy Jerry's?

Is it exactly the same?

Mostly, yeah.

They did change the logo, though.

Jerry is still a baguette with arms,

but his arms are, like, very jacked now.

-He can kind of get it.

-Well, all bread can get it.

And I got you the 17.

Oh.

What?

The 7 is what I used to talk about

all the time,

but I'm sure this will be great, you know.

Wow, it's way wrong, huh?

No, no, no. It's gonna be awesome.

All right?

-So, uh, last night was a cluster-F, huh?

-Oh, yeah.

Claude throwing half of the Tom Ford

Fall Collection out a window? Sure.

Yeah, you, uh,

just about squared away over there?

Because I thought we could take

these sandwiches outside.

-There's a gazebo--

-[knocking on door]

Oh. Good news, bad news.

I had a very similar idea to you.

Come in!

-[Kate] Oh. Wow.

-[Jack] Bring it on over.

Oh, sh*t. Now I feel bad.

No, we double-niced it.

[Kate] Thank you so much.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

Wow, you got two full-size juices.

That's smart.

[quietly] It's just, you know,

in little hotels like this,

it might take them forever

to come back and get these trays.

-[door closes]

-[mumbles]

If you want to just eat the room service,

that's fine.

No. No, no, no. Watch this.

See? I fixed it.

I love you.

I love you too.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[Danny] Thank you

for letting me sleep here.

This room you stole is fabulous.

Thank you.

It's none of my business,

but is everything okay?

-Ah, it was just a little dustup.

-Have you heard from Nick?

Mm-mm.

I didn't expect Lila

to go after the girlfriend so hard,

but I did laugh when she said

her favorite subject in school

was home-wreckonomics.

[Danny chuckles]

Hopefully, Ginny fled the scene by then.

-Her name is "the girlfriend."

-Oh.

Now, tell me one terrible thing about her.

I'd love to play

this little game with you, Anne,

but right now,

I need to go shop for a peace offering.

Hmm. What would he want?

Well, since it's Claude,

he would want a blown-glass

Christmas tree ornament of Sophia Loren,

but I'm gonna get him an apology coffee.

Add a chocolate croissant.

I think that says, "I'm sorry if I acted

like an arrogant jerk last night."

I didn't say I acted

like an arrogant jerk.

Oh, I've seen your work.

-Ah.

-Mm.

Uh, okay…

-The girlfriend…

-Yeah.

…is really into essential oils,

and what she's using

makes her smell like Thanksgiving turkey.

[whispers] God bless you.

[chuckles]

Babe!

Huh.

[gentle music playing]

[Claude on voicemail]

Hello. I'm sorry I missed your call.

Feel free to leave me a message,

or text me, or call me back. Ciao!

[voicemail beeps]

[gentle music continues]

[indistinct]

[sighs]

-[Anne] No.

-[Lila] Yeah.

-Are you good?

-I mean, I'm like…

-Oh.

-Morning.

Uh, I was headed out for a run,

and I saw you guys in here.

Yeah, I've kind of gotten

into running recently.

[laughs] Jesus Christ.

Look.

I understand that it has been

a little uncomfortable with Ginny here.

-A little uncomfortable?

-[Nick] Mm-hmm.

Wow, your EQ is off the charts, Nick.

Ah, "Nick." I'm Nick now.

What happened to Dad?

Well, I don't know, Nick.

What happened to Dad?

-[sighs]

-[watch beeps]

Sorry, it's my heart rate monitor.

Look, I don't understand this.

When Ginny came with us

to the Knicks game,

you were in a great mood.

It's 'cause I drank two beers

and took a ten-milligram gummy.

-No, you shouldn't be…

-What?

-Well… Okay.

-[watch beeping]

That… Separate conversation.

-Hmm.

-[Nick sighs]

Lila, you need to listen to me.

Last night, you crossed a line.

You really hurt Ginny's feelings.

-[slams cutlery]

-I'm not gonna apologize to her, okay?

She's a symbol

of how you destroyed our family.

-Our family is not destroyed.

-Yes, it is.

-Look at Mom. She's broken.

-[Nick] No, it is not.

-Whatever your mother is going through…

-You ruined her life. She is a shell.

That is enough.

We are not gonna shout

in a restaurant like dirtbags.

Lila, you need to show your father

some basic respect,

even if he's wearing a tank top

you can see his n*pples through.

[Lila scoffs]

And Nick, Lila is not gonna apologize

to Ginny just because you want her to.

That is her decision, not yours.

Also, Ginny is not a symbol.

She is a person.

So thanks both of you for making me

be the one to have to say that out loud.

Motherhood.

Now, let's go.

I want to have a nice time this weekend.

I have been looking forward

to Ultimate Frisbee.

I watched a video of the rules.

[Vivaldi's "Presto"

from Concerto alla Rustica playing]

You want it? You want it? Oh, you want it?

Okay, Danny, heads up!

No, thank you.

-Oh! Yes! I got it!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

-Don't do that! Okay. Whoo!

[Nick] I'm open! I'm open!

I'm open!

Oh, sh*t.

-I'm so sorry. Are you okay?

-Yeah, it's fine. It's okay.

I'm trying to stay away from you.

I'm so sorry.

Okay, well, I've been trying to hit you,

so clearly I suck at this game.

[laughs]

I'm gonna hug you. Can I hug you?

I'm gonna hug you. Okay.

[music continues]

Go, Jack!

[all cheering]

Ah!

[laughing]

[excited chatter]

[music ends]

What's the rest of your day?

You want to grab dinner?

Dad and the girlfriend

are taking me for tapas.

-Oh, okay.

-Hang on. They don't know where those go.

Fun.

Hey.

I'm glad you showed up. Are we, uh…

Are you feeling better?

Of course I'm not feeling better.

You left me for three months

to go smoke in Texas.

Oh, my God. I was… I was working.

And I only smoked a couple of times.

Calm down.

Oh, everything I care about,

you say, "Calm down."

That's our problem, Danny.

You don't want to deal with anything.

I haven't seen you in months,

and you take me to parents' weekend.

We're not even parents!

-I thought it would be fun. I don't know.

-No.

You thought it would be

a good place to avoid talking.

I can't be married like this. I won't.

So what? What? You gonna leave me?

[chuckles]

Why don't you decide?

Do you want a real marriage,

or you want to spend your life alone?

Take your time. Think about it.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

You wanna get this tray out of here,

and I'll be right back?

[gargles]

[spits]

Congratulations.

It's a sex day--

[Jack groaning]

Something's weird.

Do you want me to give you a back rub?

No, it's not my back. It's my hip.

What does it mean when your hip clicks?

I have no idea.

[exhales] Didn't your aunt

get a double hip replacement?

-Ask her if it started with a click?

-Can I ask her?

Uh, it started when she turned 88.

I think some ice would really help.

[ice cubes rattle]

[exhales]

[sighs]

Rolled ankle. You?

My hip.

Hey, guys!

[sighs]

Just getting some ice for Nick.

He got a bruise on his shoulder.

Poor baby.

Bye!

Bye.

[door opens]

It's really seizing up now.

I'm lucky I made it down the hall.

Proud of you.

Can't wait to see

the 30 for 30 they make about this.

You know, sometimes it'd just be nice

to feel taken care of by my wife.

Oh, my God. All I do is take care of you.

[scoffs]

I only get the Jack

who's hungry, whose hip hurts,

who doesn't believe

his colonoscopy results.

Oh, what are you talking about?

Everybody else gets

the top-shelf-version of your personality.

You're out there diving over benches

to impress everybody.

I can't even get you to eat a tomato.

I would just love to spend

20 minutes a day with Bench Guy.

Okay, and all I wanted is ice.

All right? Ginny got Nick ice.

Well, I'm not Ginny.

And I'm sorry you're jealous of Nick.

What?! How could I be jealous of Nick?

Huh? I'm better than Nick. I'm a good guy.

You're jealous because

he has a 32-year-old sex hygienist

catering to his every need.

And I hate to break it to you, buddy,

but you're married

to a middle-aged woman with dry skin.

Projection! All right? That is projection!

All right? You are the one who's jealous.

All right? You want to hang out

with anyone but me.

Anyone. Right?

You are the one who wishes you could

blow up your life and start over.

It's you.

[dramatic music playing]

[music continues]

Hey.

Hi.

Where's Ginny?

I, uh…

I thought it could just

be you and me tonight, if that's okay.

Sure, that's fine.

[knock on door]

Hey, I hate this place.

You wanna get a drink?

-What happened to Dry Fall?

-f*ck Dry Fall. I saw an open bar.

[indistinct chatter]

Are we passing

as engineering parents with no kid?

If anyone asks,

just say our son is majoring in civil.

[laughs]

I like that.

Oh, but let's make it our daughter.

And her name is Wren,

and she's a soft-butch l*sbian

who's a whiz at math.

-Yes.

-I'm so proud of her.

So, where is Claude?

According to my phone, he has been sitting

at the Main Street Clock

for the last three hours.

-That's ridiculous.

-Yeah.

-What is going on with you two?

-You know what's going on with us.

Claude lives in his own opera,

and this particular one

is many, many, many hours long.

[Leoncavallo's "Vesti la giubba"

from Pagliacci playing]

[Ginny] Claude!

-Claude!

-[car horn honking]

-Hey!

-Oh, hi!

What's up?

Is everything okay?

No.

Oh.

Where's Nick?

Um…

Nick's having dinner alone

with Lila tonight, which is good.

But, you know, it kind of again

makes me feel like I really…

[car horn blares]

…really did not need to be here.

You know, I didn't want to be here either.

Based on what I'm hearing,

you may not be in the mood for this, but…

I was gonna do the scooter tour.

-Now?

-Yeah.

-I would like it very much.

-Yes! Okay, come on.

So how are your classes going

this semester?

Fine. Weirdly, I kinda like statistics.

Oh. That's my girl.

-I think you have a brain for finance--

-Were you ever in love with Mom?

Whoa. Jesus.

Oh, you want to get into it. Okay.

All right.

Let's get into it.

Yes, of course I loved your mom.

I still love your mom.

Then what happened?

A lot of things happened.

Lila, here's the one thing

you definitely got wrong in your play.

My character, I think I'm a little

more complex than you depicted.

Oh, really?

You know, 'cause this, this feels

like a pretty basic midlife crisis.

Okay. All right.

You want to take some potshots?

I can take it. Go ahead.

Well, to start,

your fashion hoodie reeks of desperation.

[sighs]

Agreed. Next.

Oh, sh*t. He's on the move.

Maybe he's in a cab or something.

I just want him to meet me where I'm at,

but he's like a bird that hit a window.

He's always f*cking stunned.

Where is he?

Zooming around a lake? The f*ck?

-Oh, maybe he's on that scooter tour.

-That's insane. He wouldn't do that.

We tried that in Chianti

and he flipped over the handlebars.

Of course he did.

You should know that what you're doing

is really embarrassing.

-Okay.

-She could be your daughter.

Yeah, but she's not.

-Also, she's 32. Come on.

-[scoffs]

Come on. Keep them coming.

Give me your worst.

Okay, here's my worst.

Did you even think about me

when you did this,

you selfish piece of sh*t?

[Lila cries softly]

God… f*ck, I hate crying.

[sniffles]

[sighs]

Yeah, you get that from me.

[exhales shakily]

I stupidly thought…

that if I waited

until you were in college,

then this wouldn't be such a big deal.

Oh, God. That's so dumb.

Yeah, I'm a f*cking idiot.

Most adults are f*cking idiots.

[groans]

I remember,

this one time, I was 15 years old,

and my parents were arguing,

which they did constantly.

And I chimed in, I tried to mediate.

And my dad took a swing at me.

Jesus, Dad, that's trauma.

Ah, well, not everything's trauma.

Anyway, later on,

they made up,

and I found them watching TV together,

holding hands.

And that's when I realized

that they were just people.

Flawed people, separate from me.

-In their own weird deal.

-[scoffs]

Sorry, I just, I cannot believe

Pop-Pop tried to punch you.

Maybe you should write that play.

[chuckles]

Look, I know you're mad.

You can be mad.

Be mad at me for as long as you need to.

All I can say is that…

I love you, and…

I love you.

Okay.

Um, we can agree that Ginny is just Mom

in a younger body, right?

[snickers]

Okay.

[jazzy piano music playing faintly]

[indistinct chatter]

[overlapping chatter]

What happened to Dry Fall?

Oh, f*ck Dry Fall.

-[laughs]

-Ugh.

-[glasses clink]

-What was I doing anyway?

[Anne] Mm.

Yeah, Kate and I had a fight.

-Oh!

-Yeah. I don't want to get into it.

I-I just don't… I don't know why

she treats me with such disdain, right?

Yeah.

I mean, I-I know I'm not perfect,

but I'm a good husband.

-[Anne] Yeah.

-You know? I'm romantic.

And I'm emotionally available.

I have an excellent sense of humor.

Uh, I don't cheat.

You're a real jazzy dancer.

-[Jack] Yeah, I am!

-All the things.

[Jack] Ugh!

I'm sorry. Look, I shouldn't

be dumping all this on you.

You've had a rougher weekend than I have.

-Oh, no, it's okay.

-So, I'm sorry. Yeah.

Everybody's getting along now,

so that's really great.

It's what I wanted, so…

Yeah, but you're so sweet

to be concerned about me, Jack.

You're a really good guy.

[glasses clink]

-What is your daughter majoring in?

-Civil.

Oh, yeah, that's great. Yeah.

-He's gone.

-Oh.

-Nice meeting you.

-His little dot disappeared.

Oh, he's fine.

He's probably just turned it off

to make you worry about him.

He wouldn't do that.

He wouldn't try to upset me.

Would he not?

-What's that supposed to mean?

-[snickers]

I saw him throw

all your clothes out the window.

That's some Real Housewives

level psychosis, my friend.

Okay, you know,

you really criticize Claude a lot.

Ah, come on, you were just saying

that he lives in an opera.

I admire how you've set up your life.

You have me for intelligent conversation,

and then you get to go home to that

handsome, ridiculous person you married.

Okay, Kate, you're drunk.

And it's my marriage,

so please stay the f*ck out of it.

[solemn music playing]

Oh, this f*cking tray.

Before I say anything…

I just want to say I'm sorry.

All right?

And that it didn't mean anything.

What are you talking about?

I kissed Anne.

[cries softly]

[laughs]

[laughing loudly]

[mellow piano music playing]

Excuse me.

Has the scooter tour returned yet?

No. There actually was an accident,

but our manager's on her way

over there right now.

[sirens wailing distantly]

[dramatic music playing]

[panting]

Claude! Claude!

Claude! Hey!

-…in front of you.

-[Danny] Claude!

-Danny.

-You hurt? Why are you bleeding?

Oh, no, it's nothing.

Sheila, she swerved to miss a squirrel.

Then it just knocked everyone else over

like scooter dominoes.

I thought you were dead.

[Danny panting]

[breathlessly] Oh, God.

-I'm fine. It's just a little scratch.

-Oh, God.

Hey, just breathe. It's okay.

It's not okay. None of it's okay.

But, Danny, you're here with me now.

We're all right.

Are we? I'm just an old man

with a bad heart.

And I am just an ageless Italian beauty

who is horrible at riding scooters.

[Danny laughs]

One day, we won't be here anymore,

and that is so f*cking scary.

Life is scary. It's also beautiful.

That's why we have each other.

So we can go through it together. Hmm?

Hmm?

I'm sorry I ran away from you.

Then from now on, let us run together.

Like wild horses.

[laughs]

-You're so Italian.

-I know.

Don't you love it?

[sighs]

[Anne] Oh, God.

Kate, I have to tell you something.

I don't even know how to begin.

You kissed Jack.

Did he tell you?

No, but it's all over campus

that you're a wh*re.

[sobs] Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

I think I've hit rock bottom.

Oh, no offense.

Was there tongue?

[Anne] No.

No.

But there were tears.

[Kate laughs]

-God.

-Oh, God!

[exhales]

It's just…

[sniffles]

…Lila said I'm broken.

[sobs softly]

That's what she yelled to Nick.

She said, "Mom's broken."

No, you're not broken.

But have I just been

like a relentless bummer?

I mean… it's only been seven months.

God!

We are all a little banged up.

[sighs]

I'm gonna pull out of it.

I know you will.

-I am.

-I know.

Oh, God. Today was so hard, Kate.

I felt like I could see my future.

Lila's graduation,

and vacations, and holidays.

Could you see me in the future?

How fat was I?

You were about the same,

but your head is a little smaller.

[sighs]

I guess that's how it's gonna be now.

Nick will take Lila to meet

all his new Ginnys.

-And I'll just be alone.

-You don't know that.

It'll just become more and more normal

to leave me out.

I'll buy one of those bathtubs

with a door.

No way.

We are not gonna let that happen.

We all love you, Annie.

Especially Jack.

[sobbing] Oh, God!

-Listen, I'm so, so sorry about that.

-No, I… I don't… I don't care.

-I'm drunk. I don't care. I'm sorry.

-Please. Oh God, Kate. [sniffles]

Oh!

[sighs]

How did you know things were going south?

What were the signs?

Oh.

-You and Jack are not me and Nick.

-No. That's not my--

Nick cheated on me

a couple of times

before all this happened.

A woman in his office about ten years ago,

and I'm pretty sure

that Pilates instructor

that fixed his computer hump.

sh*t.

Yeah.

[scoffs] But your husband is not that guy.

Tonight was just

a messy old friend pity party.

[softly] Yeah.

Oh, God.

I'm exhausted.

Yeah.

What time is it?

I feel like it's 4:00 a.m.

[sniffles]

It is 8:40.

[laughs]

Oh, my God.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[porter] Coming right up, sir.

Sorry that…

I think she's apologizing.

Her idea, not mine.

Yeah.

Good.

[sighs]

It's the right thing to do.

You're a good mom.

Thank you, Nick.

I got a ton of spa treatments

and a coffee table book on colonial decor,

so when you get the bill…

But also, I'll leave your golf clubs

on the back porch

if you wanna get them this week.

Okay.

[Anne] Thanks.

[Vivaldi's "Autumn" continues]

[car door opens]

-Hey.

-Hey.

[vehicle approaching]

[Lila] See you later.

-[Jack] Bye.

-[Kate] Bye, honey. Be careful.

[Lila] Take care.

-Ready to go home, amore?

-Absolutely.

Let's go.

Go ahead.

Bye, friends.

-Bye, Claude.

-Bye.

[car door closes]

[car drives away]

[music stops abruptly]

Want to listen to a podcast?

Sure.

Anything in particular?

No, you pick.

-I think we need to go to therapy.

-Yeah, I know we do.

-f*ck!

-f*ck!

-sh*t!

-f*ck! f*ck!

-[Kate] sh*t!

-[Jack] Ah! God!

[Vivaldi's "Autumn"

from The Four Seasons playing]

[music ends]