01x12 - Battle of the Wands

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

A wheel to practice
my spell casting.

Did I just make studying fun?

I think I did.

Spell that begins with horse.
Uh, easy!

"Horse that draws
a four-wheel wagon,

"summon me the egg of a dragon."

And your new Battle of the Wands
champion is…

-Billie!
-Exactly.

Oh, hey, Justin.

Are you practicing spells
on a Saturday?

[chuckles] I am impressed!
And suspicious. What's going on?

[sighs] Okay, look,
tonight is Battle of the Wands,

and I know
what you're gonna say.

[both] "Battle of the Wands
is nothing but an underground,

"unregulated, unsafe gathering
of magical hooligans."

[sighs] Billie,
you are my responsibility.

You are not going
to Battle of the Wands.

-But…
-If you do,

you'll lose your phone
for two weeks.

And get rid of that dragon egg
before it hatches.

Our smoke alarm goes off
when we burn popcorn.

[exhales] This is what I get
for telling the truth.

Well,
I'm never doing that again.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have
what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything
is not what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

-♪ What it seems ♪
-[♪ theme song concludes]

Let me get this straight.
Mr. Russo said

you can't go to a dangerous
underground magic battle?

Crazy, right?

Crazy that you thought
he would let you!

He's Mr. Russo.

He makes his groceries
wear seat belts.

But I have to go
to Battle of the Wands.

If I win that trophy,
I'll show everyone back at home

that I'm not just a screw-up
who couldn't cut it at WizTech.

-Then you should go.
-But if I go,

Justin will be really mad.

-Then you shouldn't go.
-But if I don't,

then everybody will just think
I'm a screw-up.

-Then you should go.
-But if I do go--

Billie, we both know
this is happening.

Let me just grab my go bag.

Wait,
you keep a go bag in my room?

Of course. Unless we're staying.
Then it's a stay bag.

It also has my jammies in it.

Okay, then yes, we're doing it,

but we just need
someone to cover for us.

Someone who doesn't have
any plans on a Saturday night.

Hey, guys.

Roman. [chuckles]

Winter and I need to go
to an underground wizard battle,

but your dad said I can't go,

so I need you to make it look
like we're still here.

Underground wizard battle, huh?

[hesitates] Is it just wizards,
or will all types

of magical beings
be at this event?

What do you care? You don't know
anyone in the wizard world.

Except…

Oh, you want to see Iggy,
that pixie girl from my party.

-[in high-pitched voice] Ooh!
-[in high-pitched voice] Ooh!

No, I don't. I mean,

unless she's going to be there.
She probably won't be there.

Do you think
she's going to be there?

-Probably.
-Then I'd also like to be there

-to cheer you on.
-[smacks lips] Aw.

Well, if Roman's not gonna
cover for us, who will?

Sure, I'll cover for you.

-Wow, thanks, Milo.
-But it's gonna cost you.

Set us up just to take us down.

I'd be proud if you weren't
using it against us.

All right, Milo,
what do you want?

-An ice pop.
-That's it?

[scoffs] You do know
I'm a wizard, right?

I can conjure anything.

Then a blue one
shouldn't be a problem.

[♪ upbeat instrumental music
playing on TV]

[sobs, sniffles]

Why are you crying?

That man came
all the way from the future

just to find that woman,

and she wants nothing
to do with him. [sobs, sniffles]

He's a robot
sent to terminate her.

Oh, I really have to stop
looking at my phone

when we watch movies.

-[phone chimes]
-[chuckles] Ooh!

Battle of the Wands
starts in less than an hour.

If I don't get there in time,
all the spots will be taken.

Don't worry, I got this.

[mechanical whirring on TV]

Whoa! That robot's jacked!

Dad, why don't you have
muscles like that?

Milo, this movie
is inappropriate for you.

Where are you going?

To the bathroom.

But you can't until I show you
this new dance move I made up.

What is happening right now?

This is your fault
for telling him

he could do anything
he sets his mind to.

-No, don't leave!
-Why? What's wrong?

I just remembered
that everybody eventually dies.

-Oh, boy.
-[wails, sobs]

Well, I feel better.

If you need me,
I'll be in my room.

So will Billie and Roman.
All in our rooms.

Should we be worried about him?

I think it'd be weird
if we weren't.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

Welcome to Battle of the Wands!

Why was Mr. Russo so worried
about you coming here?

[gasps] Duck!

Okay, starting to see it.

If you'll excuse me… [exhales]

…I have to go find Iggy
and tell her that I like her.

You're still standing here.

Yeah, it just occurred to me
that she might not like me back.

There's only one way
to find out.

-Just go talk to her.
-Right. [exhales sharply]

-Are you gonna go?
-I don't think so.

-Do you need us to stay?
-I would rather you didn't.

Hi, I'm here
to sign up for the battle.

[groans] No spots left?
What do I do now?

Well, well, well.

If it isn't the screw-up
who couldn't cut it at WizTech.

-Hey, that's not nice.
-That's why I said it.

-What do you want, Xander?
-It's not what I want.

It's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna win
the Battle of the Wands,

and it's gonna be Xantastic!

This girl knows
what I'm talking about.

I don't.

-"Xantastic" is not even a word.
-It is when I say it.

Have fun
watching me take the trophy.

Joke's on you. We definitely
will not have fun doing that.

Gotta find a way
into the competition.

And then we gotta work
on your comebacks.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

There must be a way to get
into Battle of the Wands.

But there are no more spots.
Maybe we should just go.

No. The whole reason
I came here is to prove

that I'm not just the screw-up
who couldn't cut it at WizTech.

Look, if I leave
without winning,

-that's all I'll ever be.
-Then I got your back. [inhales]

But that's all I can offer,

'cause I don't know
how things work here.

[gasps] There's MC.
Maybe he'll help.

-Excuse me?
-[snorts]

Whoa! Sorry, I meant to say…
Yikes!

What do you want?

The battle's starting
in ten minutes.

[groans] Listen,
I didn't get a spot in time.

-Any chance you could get me in?
-Talk to the hand.

That's rude and dated.

[smacks lips] No, the hand.
He runs this thing.

If you get his signature,
I'll put you on the list.

Man, for a guy with no feet,
that hand is fast.

Okay, we gotta find it.

-[gasps] I have an idea.
-Huh?

-What are you doing?
-He's a hand.

Hands can't resist a high five.
Everybody knows that.

I'm gonna go look for him.

You're right.
I think that might work.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

Hey, Milo,
have you seen Billie and Roman?

Uh, yep.
Been seeing them all day.

That's why I'm down here.
Getting the snacks.

A single cheese stick?

Yep. We're playing this game
where we all peel a strip off

and see who gets
the longest one. [chuckles]

It's fun and delicious.

That's a lot of hands
on one stick of cheese.

[exhales] Well, good talk, Dad.

Wait a minute.

You can't just eat cheese
for dinner.

Why don't we all go out?

Oh, that's a great idea!
I'll get us a table for five.

Five?

I don't know.

It's kind of hard to get
a table for an odd number.

How about just us three?

We're not leaving
Billie and Roman behind.

-I'll go get them.
-No, no. Don't. I'll do it.

You get the reservation.
I'll gather the children.

[exhales]
Man, it's hard having parents

that want to spend time
with their kids.

Uh, excuse me, I'm… I'm…
I'm looking for someone.

Her name's Iggy. She's yay high,
blonde hair, big, beautiful eyes

that sparkle when she smiles.
Not that I've noticed.

I'm not weird.

[exhales] Here, hand. Here, boy.

Man, where is he?
I've looked everywhere.

Oh. Well, look no further.
You found him. [chuckles softly]

-Who are you?
-Um, hello,

Nigel Dragonberry,
Ultimate Spellmaster, 2007.

I've won Battle of the Wands

more times
than any wizard in history.

-[chuckles] Wow, that's awesome.
-Yeah, it is.

People are still
talking about me. [chuckles]

Not that much
in the last 15 years,

but back in '07, I was the man.

See, this is what
I was telling Winter.

If I win Battle of the Wands,

it'll change the way
everyone thinks of me.

Yeah, it will. I get respect.

Not so much
in the last 15 years,

but back in '07, I was the man!

So, what's happened
the last 15 years?

Not a lot.

-But back in '07--
-I know, you were the man.

Yeah, I was! [chuckles]

By the way, I'm counting
this little chit-chat

as a meet-and-greet.
That'll be five bucks.

[hesitates]
you're charging me five bucks?

Unless you want a picture.
That'll cost you ten.

Smile. You're in a picture
with Nigel Dragonberry.

-[camera shutter clicks]
-[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

Come on, kids. Time to go.

We're going to be late
for our reservation.

[in higher-pitched voice]
Just a second.

I'm finishing my girl make-up.

Girl make-up?

All she has up there
is sunscreen and lip balm.

What's taking Roman so long?
Hey, uh, Roman?

[in raspy voice] Uh,
this is Roman Russo.

How can I help you?

Are you okay? You sound strange.

Yep. I just have a little…

[breaks voice]
…puberty going on.

That doesn't sound like Roman.

Yeah, he usually calls puberty
"the big change."

[Justin] Boys?

[whispering emphatically]
Showtime!

What is taking so long?

[scoffs] Is that Billie?

[in normal voice]
Why, yes, it is.

And I'm glad you think so.

-Why is she asleep?
-That's a good question.

-Where is Roman?
-Oh, I know that one!

He's getting dressed
in the closet.

How's it going in there, Roman?

Well, this makes a lot of sense.

I, um… I guess we're just
going to have to go

to the Pasta Palace
without the kids.

Wait, you never said anything
about the Pasta Palace!

I want to go!

To be honest, it lasted longer
than I thought it would.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

-[♪ music fades]
-Billie! Check it out!

-I got the hand's signature!
-Thanks, Winter.

Yep, Operation High Five
paid off. [inhales]

Now, it's time
for Operation Hand Sanitizer.

-Let's go get you in the battle.
-[background chattering]

-Right, the battle.
-Isn't that what you wanted?

Uh, yeah, that's what I wanted.

Guys, guys! [pants]

I just met a wizard who took me
to the multiverse where I saw

every possible outcome
of me running into Iggy.

In one of them,
I sneezed in her face.

-Ooh, that's bad.
-No, no. That was the best one.

There you are!

Also, in every timeline,
we were busted by Dad.

Next time, lead with that.

I can't believe you all snuck
out into the wizard world.

[sighs] Justin,
it's not their fault.

They… they came to help me.

If I'm being completely honest,
Dad, uh, I actually came here

to find out if the pixie

I met at Billie's house
party likes me.

-You had a house party?
-Roman, dude, stop talking.

-You are all in big trouble.
-Me too?

Well, uh, no, not you,

'cause if your parents
found out that you snuck out

to the wizard world,
then I'd be in big trouble.

I know you.

You're Alex Russo's brother.

-My name is Justin.
-Yeah, I know.

But it's more fun to call you
Alex Russo's brother.

You get all angry.

-You know Nigel Dragonberry?
-Yeah.

Alex used to compete against him
in Battle of the Wands.

Why are you talking
to these losers, Dad?

Nigel's your dad?
Well, that makes sense.

You've got Nepo Wizard
written all over you.

You're just jealous

'cause I'm Xantastic
and you're not.

"Xantastic"?

He keeps trying
to make it a thing.

-Come on, kids. Let's just go.
-Oh, probably for the best.

If Alex Russo's brother
trained you,

you wouldn't stand
a chance against my son.

Hey, Alex Russo's brother
is a great teacher.

It's Justin!

And thank you.

That's right, Billie. Walk away.
All you'll ever be

is the screw-up
who couldn't cut it at WizTech.

-Hey, just ignore them.
-Why? Xander's right.

Is that what you think?

Because you got
kicked out of WizTech?

Just 'cause you screwed up,

that does not make you
a screw-up.

And just 'cause Nigel
won a competition,

that does not make him a winner.

Who you are is up to you.

Understand?

[clicks tongue]

Yeah. I think I do.

But, taking down those jerks

would make me feel
so much better. [chuckles]

Then let's take down
those jerks. All right.

Russos versus Dragonberrys.

[hesitates, chuckles nervously]
Hi.

Just to be clear, Russos
does not include me, right?

-No.
-Sitting it out!

-[♪ upbeat rock music playing]
-[crowd cheering]

My fellow magical beings,

we have a special treat
for you tonight.

A Battle Royale of the Wands!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

We have
an Ultimate Spell Master,

two young wizards,
and Alex Russo's brother.

-Does everyone call me that?
-Yes.

You know the rules.
Each spell cast has to start

with the last word
of your opponent's spell.

-Let the battle begin!
-[crowd cheering, applauding]

-Let's do this.
-[♪ music concludes]

Day by day I will not tire,
summon now a ball of fire!

-[rumbling, crackling]
-[crowd gasping] Ooh!

Fire here no longer glows,
from a rain cloud, water flows!

[rumbling fades]

-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-[chuckles]

Boom! Xantastic!

No pressure, but these guys
are playing to win.

That's all the pressure.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-Hammer!

-Serpent!
-Cannonball!

Lightning Blast!

[crowd exclaiming] Oh!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[toy duck squeals]

-[crowd cheering, applauding]
-[♪ music fades]

-[cheers] Go, Dad.
-[cheers] Go, Billie.

I'm glad you're having fun,

even if you didn't meet up
with Iggy.

Yeah. Maybe the universe didn't
want me to find her, you know?

[hesitates] If it did, she'd be
standing right next to me.

It's you.

It's you.

[sighs] Third-wheeling it again.

Sandwich make!

-[crowd exclaiming] Ooh.
-The word is make, easy.

I did a make spell
back in '04, and in '05…

[exhales deeply]
…and definitely in '07.

Roman,
you snuck out of your house

-just to find this girl.
-Aw, you did?

Uh-huh. [exhales]

And you've been looking
for her all night?

-Aw, you have?
-Uh-huh. [exhales]

So, is there anything
you want to say to her?

Uh-uh.

Aw. Well, I "uh-uh" you, too.

My job here is done.

I'm going to go check out
the merch table.

I don't… I don't know
how it works in…

in the… in the wizard world,
but us… us mortals, we…

we have these devices
that we can use to…

to keep in touch.

Want me to put my number
in your phone?

Yes, please.

Make appear with sight and sound

an instrument
that's big and round.

[crowd exclaiming]

We need to figure out
a way to stump them.

[gasps] I got it. Okay.

Round me up a doll of plastic

with party dress and hair,
fantastic.

[crowd exclaims]

Get ready to lose.

Xantastic roar
and claws to fear,

make a lion now appear.

Why didn't the spell work?

Because you said "Xantastic"
instead of "fantastic."

I told you that is not a word.

I didn't mean to.
It's my catchphrase.

Well, catchphrases are dumb,
and you would know that

if you were… the man.

-[♪ upbeat rock music playing]
-And Billie and Justin win!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[chuckles] Did you hear that?

-Yeah, we won!
-No, he called me Justin!

[crowd cheering, applauding]

[♪ music concludes]

Xander, that was pathetic.

You are a disgrace
to the Dragonberry name.

Here, Xander.

Seems like you need this
more than I do.

Really? Wow. Thanks, Billie.

Dad! Check it out!

Doesn't matter how I got it,
but we're leaving with a trophy!

I love you, son.

That was nice,
what you did there.

Eh, a trophy
isn't gonna change anything.

Also, I didn't think
he'd actually take it.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music fades]

I can't wait to wear this cool
"I survived the wizard world

"and all I got
was this T-shirt," T-shirt.

Yeah, you can't really
wear that around mortals

or else everyone will know
about wizards.

You're right.
I'll wear it inside out.

I'll know what it says.

Well, thanks for the fun day
I'm not allowed to talk about.

You know
what I'm gonna say next.

I know.

Just because I screwed up
doesn't make me a screw-up.

Try again.

You're taking our phones
for two weeks.

I thought I said a week.

-No, you definitely said two.
-Billie, dude, stop talking.

[cell phone chimes]

Ah, you got a text
from someone named Iggy.

Really? What does it say?

Here, I'll show you.
In two weeks.

I'm so full,

I'm gonna be burping
butter noodles for a month.

You guys went
to the Pasta Palace without me?

We also got ice cream.

Milo, dude, stop talking.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]