01x13 - There's Something About the Russos

[bunniefuu]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

-[♪ music concludes]
-Russo's got wheels.

He jukes left. He jukes right!

-Goal!
-[Bella] Hello, Milo.

Bella Bianchi.

No wonder all the birds stopped chirping.

What do you want?

My mom loaned your mom a casserole dish,
and she wants it back.

I'd help you, but I don't want to.

Also, I don't know
what a casserole dish is.

I'll find it myself.

[sighs] I can't have a stain.

This is the shirt I was wearing
when Giada and I met.

I wore it special for our anniversary.

-Well, I can help.
-No, don't!

I know, I know. Not outside the lair.

Well, maybe just this once.

You know, 'cause it's an emergency.

[magic whooshes]

Oh! [chuckles] Thanks, Billie.

No problem.

Dang it, now I can't remember
what I came in here for.

I can't find the dish.

Oh, well, you tried. Time to go.

If I don't come back
with a casserole dish,

I don't get casserole.

And mama wants her casserole.

A snack. I wanted a snack.

Billie, I need your help.

I tried something new with my hair.

First, I used mousse, then I used gel,

then I used something called a relaxer,

but I am not feeling relaxed.

Would you call this an emergency?

I'm gonna go ahead and say, yeah.

Oh, man, I got you.

-No, don't!
-[magic whooshes]

-Thank you.
-Happy to help.

Dang it, now I forgot
why I came in here again.

It's not in there either.

Here, take this dish.
Would you just go?

All right, nobody distract me.

I've finally remembered
what I came in here for.

[magic whooshes]

Why didn't you just use the microwave?

It takes three minutes.

Bella Bianchi was just here.

She could have seen you using magic.

No, all she would have seen
was me helping out the family.

-With magic!
-Oh, yeah.

That would have been bad.

[♪ theme song playing]

♪ Everything is not what it seems ♪

♪ When you can have what you want ♪

♪ By the simplest of means ♪

♪ Be careful not to mess
with the balance of things ♪

♪ Because everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ You might run into trouble
if you go to extremes ♪

♪ Because everything is not
what it seems ♪

♪ Yes, please ♪

-♪ What it seems ♪
-[♪ theme song concludes]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

-Oh, hey, Iggy.
-[♪ music concludes]

Are your wings tired?

'Cause you've been flying
through my mind all night.

Oh, that's a good one.
That's gonna work. [giggles]

Honey, who are you talking to?

What? Nothing! Who are you talking to?

You.

Are these flowers from your father?

Well, they're not mine,

'cause I'm going
to the comic book shop.

No need to have flowers
at the comic book shop.

That would just be weird.

Your dad and I promised each other
we weren't gonna go over the top

for our anniversary gifts this year.

I got him nail clippers,

Roman, nail clippers.

Wait, so you think
these flowers are over the top?

Look at the size of them!
What am I, Miss Staten Island 2007?

I am, but these are ridiculous.

Knowing your dad,
this is only the beginning.

I have to find out
what else he has planned.

-[gasping]
-We... well, if you need me,

I'll be at the comic book shop,
as previously mentioned.

Billie, I have another emergency.

Apparently, these flowers
are over the top.

I... I can't take these
to the comic book shop.

Comic book shop? I thought you had a date!

[shushes] It's code.

No one can know I'm sneaking off
to the Wizard World.

I know, I'm just messing with ya.

So, can you help me with the flowers?

I don't want Iggy
to think I'm trying too hard.

Well, then in that case,
you might want to consider

wearing less body spray.

-But relax, I got you.
-[magic whooshes]

There. Backpack charm. Trust me, the...

comic book shop will love it.

[sighs] Hey, Roman. What's that box?

It's definitely not mine.

'Cause I'm not going
to meet a special someone.

Then that means it's for me.

I knew Giada wouldn't keep
our anniversary promise.

And a box that small means she went big.

Wonder what it is.

Gold cufflinks,
diamond money clip, pinky ring.

I can pull off a pinky ring, right?

You? Heck yeah!

[chuckles, sighs] It's our 15th
wedding anniversary,

and I'm about to present my beautiful wife
with jumper cables.

I gotta get to a mall.
I gotta get to all the malls.

[sighs] Milo, how many times
have I told you

not to play with that thing in the house?

Ten. Unless you're counting this time.

In that case, it's 11.

[sighs]

Oh, uh, hi, Bella.
Milo, your friend's here.

-We're not friends!
-We're not friends!

-What are you doing back here?
-I was about to leave,

but then I saw Billie pop a bag
of popcorn right on the counter.

-Uh, I can explain that.
-Well? I'm waiting.

I didn't say when I'd explain it.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing, concludes]

-Oh, Billie, I need your help.
-Oh!

Okay. Pull on three. One, two...

I'm not stuck.

I'm trying to figure out how big
Justin went on my anniversary gift,

but his gift isn't in any
of his usual hiding spots.

Only place I haven't looked is the lair.

[gasps] Ooh, could you let me in?

-Uh, the lair? I don't know.
-Please. It's an emergency.

-An emergency?
-Of the heart.

I gotchu.

[magic whooshes]

It's kind of nice
being the one solving problems

instead of causing them.

So, you expect me to believe

that you guys have self-popping popcorn?

It'd be great if you did.

I dunno. It just seemed...

magical.

Hate to break it to you, Bella.

The Russo's are a boring old family.

You're not breaking anything.
Everybody knows that.

I'm out of here.

-[magical mirror whooshes]
-[gasps]

Oh, come on!

Hey, Bella, you didn't
just see that, did you?

You walk through a glowing mirror?

Yeah, you saw it.

I knew something magical
was going on here.

I'm gonna tell everyone I know.

And then I'm gonna tell people
I don't know.

Well, not if I--

-[Bella] Hey!
-[magical mirror whooshes]

Milo! Why would you do that?

She was about to tell everyone
your secret.

It was the only thing I could do.

But I was just about to erase her memory.

Oh, that's way better. Let's do that.

We'll get her out of the lair
and fix all of this. Easy peasy.

[mirror shatters]

That's bad luck for so many reasons.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing, concludes]

Milo, you shattered the mirror.

Let's break more things.

We'll say a raccoon
got loose in the house.

Yeah, I'll just use magic.

Broken, cracked, chipped, and tattered,
make this mirror now unshattered.

[magic whooshes]

Why didn't it work?

You can conjure a monster,
but you can't fix a mirror?

I don't get these powers.

What are we gonna do?

Bella's in the lair totally unsupervised.

Well, she's not totally unsupervised.

Hello, Milo's mom.

[gasps] Bella, what are you doing here?

I could ask you the same thing.

No, you can't. I'm an adult,
and this is my house.

Which is why you've got
some explaining to do.

I've seen some pretty weird
stuff around here, lady.

-I don't like your tone, missy.
-Nobody does.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing, concludes]

[sighs] Nothing? No tables available?

We'll sit anywhere.
Put us in the bathroom.

We'll sit at the changing table.
It's booked?

But this is my 15th wedding anniversary.

Yes, I know I should've booked
this months ago.

Hi, Mr. Russo.

You know, you really gotta start
locking your doors.

Anyone could come in here.

Anyone could, but only you do.

What's with all the bags?

I'm trying to find the perfect
anniversary gift for Giada.

My Dad just takes my mom
to a fancy restaurant,

but you gotta book
a reservation months in advance.

What am I telling you for? You know this.

[chuckles awkwardly]
You'd think that, wouldn't you?

-So, uh, what're doing here?
-Billie called me.

She said she needed
a jigsaw puzzle expert.

Why would she need a jigsaw puzzle expert?

I don't know. Something about

-a broken mirror?
-What!

Ooh, this piece fits with that piece,

but also with this piece, and that piece.

This is not going well.

What happened? This is a disaster.

You can say that again.

They didn't even start with the edges.

It's a good thing you called me.

I can't believe you broke the mirror!

Don't worry. Mom will be fine in the lair.

Giada's in the lair?

Yeah, but it's okay, 'cause, uh,
she can keep an eye on Bella.

Bella is in the lair?

It was the safest place to put her
after she saw Billie do magic.

She saw Billie do magic?

We're just gonna stop telling you stuff
if this is how you're gonna react.

This is bad. Lair mirrors can only
be repaired from inside the lair.

Well, that makes no sense.

How do you get in the lair
to repair the mirror

if you can't use the mirror
to get in the lair?

You don't break the mirror.

Oh, that makes sense.

Okay, you can use Cerebellum Erasus
for up to an hour.

If we get Bella out of there in time,
we can erase her memory.

But how do we get in?

The freezer in my family's old sub shop
is a portal to the lair.

Maybe we get in that way.
I need to make a call.

Ooh, this piece fits with that piece,

but also with this piece, and that piece.

This is not going well.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing, concludes]

So, Bella, what's all this weird
stuff you think you saw?

-[magical whooshing]
-[gasps]

Why don't we start with the magic mirror
Milo pushed me through.

Okay, first of all,

Milo should not be pushing anyone,
he knows better.

And second... that's just a mirror...

that you can walk through.
Nothing weird about that.

[gasps] Whoo!

-What?
-Uh, nothing happening here.

[chuckles]

Okay, fine.

But how do you explain this secret room?

It's our basement.

You have an ancient sarcophagus
in your basement?

It's just a Halloween
decoration. [chuckles]

-[door creaks]
-[gasps]

-[monster growls]
-Get-- Go!

Shoo!

[chuckles nervously] Yep,
just a fun Halloween decoration

that should probably have a lock on it.

Well, I guess you've answered
all my questions.

I can't believe I thought
you guys were magical or something.

[chuckles nervously]

And back from the Wizard World
with five minutes to spare.

-Roman?
-Mom?

-Wizard World?
-Dang it!

[♪ upbeat rock music playing, concludes]

Okay, I talked to uncle Max.

Good news, that freezer
is still a Wizard Portal.

Well then great, let's go to the sub shop.

Wait, my dad never says,

"Good news," unless it's followed by--

-Bad news.
-There it is.

Max sold that freezer years ago.

You get mad at me

for using magic to scramble eggs,

but your brother is allowed
to sell a Wizard Portal?

Well, Max doesn't live under my roof,

because he lives on a yacht.

Besides, only wizards can use the portal.

The freezer is currently in the kitchen

of a restaurant called, uh,
Chez Pre or Cheese...?

Chez Prétenshoo?

That place is so exclusive,
all the influencers go there.

And then they influence
normal people to go there,

but they can't get in.

Milo, Winter, you guys stay here
in case someone misses Bella

and comes looking for her.

I know that's hard to believe,
but it could happen.

Billie and I will go to the restaurant,

we'll sneak into the lair
faster than you can say

Chez Pre-- Chez Pre--

Chez Prétenshoo.

Of course,

we could get you a table in six months.

Only gave you five months to live, huh?

Well, we would have enjoyed having you.

I don't have a good feeling about this.

I think you're underestimating
the power of the Russo charm,

watch and learn.

-Hi.
-Nope.

Okay, then, thank you very much.

We gotta come up with a new plan.

Um, I got this. You distract them,
I'll make a run for it.

[whispers] Okay. Uh...

[screams, groans]

Yeah, we need a new, new plan.

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

Who would have thought

sneaking into the most exclusive
restaurant in the tristate area,

finding the freezer,
hoping it still connects to the lair,

and erasing Bella's memory
before she tells everyone

we're wizards would be so hard!

Don't forget we have to do it
in ten minutes!

Well, actually, it's nine minutes.

-Well, now it's--
-I know how time works!

How are we gonna get past that guy?

[growls]

I got it! I'll conjure a raw steak,
we'll throw it in the alleyway,

and he'll chase it like a Dobermann.

No! Using magic is what got us
here in the first place.

But you said I can use magic
in an emergency.

I never said that.

-[Billie] Re-playus my day-us.
-[magic whooshes]

Well, maybe just this once.

You know, 'cause it's an emergency.

-[magic whooshes]
-In my defense,

I did say "Just this once."

It just felt good to help.
You guys always have my back,

it was nice to have yours for a change.

That is sweet,

but I should have never told you
to use magic in the first place.

If we're not careful,
we're gonna get found out.

There has to be another way.

Charli D'Amelio! [chuckles]
No reservation necessary.

We'll show you right to your table.

Kick out anyone with less
than a 100 million followers.

Ooh, Charli D'Amelio. [chuckles]
So, who's Charli D'Amelio?

I have no idea,
but that host was impressed.

Wait, I know how to get in.

[in valley girl accent]
Hey, it's your girl, Maddoxley.

I'm gonna drop in at Chez Prétenshoo
and see if it lives up to the hype.

Stay tuned for a sick bathroom selfie.

Table for trois.

Do you have a reservation?

This face is a reservation.

Miss, I have no idea who you are.

You don't know who Maddoxley is?
I'm low-key cringing right now.

I'm so low-key, I'm high-key.

Nailing this.

Apparently,
they don't have a table for me.

Now, I know you're gonna
wanna go after this guy,

but all 300-million of you

-just need to--
-Did you say "300-million"?

Table just opened up for ya.

Get rid of D'Amelio.

Right this way.

We're in.

[♪ techno music playing over speaker]

Wow, Winter really turned it on.

I just hope she can turn it off.
Maddoxley is a lot.

Apologies for the misunderstanding,

Ms. Maddoxley.

Try apologizing for your face.

I apologize for my face.

Enjoy.

Now, all we have to do is wait
till no one's looking

and then sneak into the kitchen.

-That might be a little tricky.
-Why?

That's right, Maddoxley is here
at Chez Prétenshoo.

I'm gonna livestream her whole meal.

Nothing's gonna happen at that table

that you won't see!

[phone cameras clicking]

What do we do now?

I don't know, but don't drink the water.

-It's 75 dollars a glass.
-[gags]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]

I knew it. You're wizards!

My mom's gonna have this
on the PTA group chat like that.

Roman, I finally convinced her
there was nothing going on here,

and then you come in talking
about the Wizard World!

I didn't know you were in here.
Why are you in here?

We're talking about you, mister.

Whoa, what is this thing? It's amazing!

It makes small objects look big.

-It's a magnifying glass.
-A wizard magnifying glass?

No, it's just a magnifying glass.

I am not gonna ask you this again.

What were you doing in the Wizard World?

I'm a young man,
and young men have secrets.

Uh, you are not a young man.
You are my little boy,

and little boys do not keep secrets

from their mommies.

[monster growls]

Uh, guys?

I know why you're in here.
You're snooping.

You're trying to figure out
what dad got you for your anniversary.

I would never.

-This is not good.
-[monster hissing]

I'll tell you where I was

if you tell me why you're in here.

[sighs] I... I was looking
for your dad's present.

He always gives me the perfect gift.

Just once I wanted to get him something
as thoughtful as he gives me.

Mom.

That's really sweet.

-[monster growls]
-Miss Russo!

In a minute, Bella.

Your turn.

I went into the Wizard World to see--

-[monster growls]
-Guys!

-[gasps] Hang on, Bella!
-[monster growling]

-[monster hissing]
-We are not done talking about this!

-[shrieks]
-[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

-[♪ music concludes]
-[phone cameras clicking]

We're not gonna get to the freezer
with all these people watching us.

And we only have two minutes
left to erase Bella's memory.

If we don't,

she'll tell everybody our secret.

You know, this really feels
like an emergency.

No. No one can see us do magic.

Right, no one can see us do magic.

[plates shatter]

Whoa! Billie, why'd you do that?

Guys? Where'd you go?

[magical whooshing]

[in valley girl accent]
It's okay. I'll just order for the table.

[magical whooshing]

[pants] What was that?

Well, you said no one can see us
do magic, and they didn't,

'cause I turned us into food.

I gotta admit, that was pretty clever.

Would you say it was genius?

I got a sock full of risotto, so no.

Okay, let's get to the freezer.

[♪ suspenseful instrumental music playing]

[♪ tense instrumental music playing]

Get me out of here!

I'm wearing dress shoes,
I have no traction!

Why did you wear your church shoes

to the Wizard World?

Really, Mom?
You want to talk about this now?

Mrs. Russo, he was on a date. Hello?

You went on your first date?
Why didn't you tell me?

'Cause I knew you'd get all--

-My baby boy is growing up!
-That.

This tentacle isn't the only thing

that's having trouble letting go.

Who opened the sarcophagus?

Technically, the tentacle did!

[monster growling]

Russo's are in so much trouble
when I get outta here!

If we let the tentacle take her,
it would solve all our problems.

-Billie!
-Well, I'm just saying.

-[Roman] Billie!
-Electrozempress!

-[magic whooshing]
-[monster growling]

[♪ triumphant instrumental music playing]

[monster screams]

[♪ music concludes]

Okay, everybody start talking.
I want to know why.

I want to know what, I want to know how.

Justin, we have 30 seconds.

Everyone be quiet!

I'll fix the mirror.
Billie, you get Bella out of here.

[♪ dramatic rock music playing]

[magic whooshing, glass clinking]

-[♪ music concludes]
-[magical mirror whooshes]

I wasn't playing with this thing
in the house.

Oh, it's just you guys.

I was.

Sorry, Bella,
I gotta erase your memory.

-You can't...
-Cerebellum Erasus.

-[magic whooshing]
-...expect me to believe

that you guys have self-popping popcorn?

Sorry, Bella,

the Russo's are just a regular,
boring old family

who happen to have self-popping popcorn

in their pantry.

You got the boring part right.

Just go home.

Gladly. Goodbye, Milo.

[sighs]

Sounds like things were pretty
exciting around here.

I wouldn't know.
I was out on my first date.

Yes, Roman, we know you were on a date.

Yeah, I was. We held hands!

Billie, next time you want popcorn,

maybe just use the microwave.

Next time you play lacrosse,
maybe stay away from the mirror.

Touché.

I'm just glad we wiped Bella's mind

before she could tell anybody
we're wizards.

Our secret is safe.

[birds chirping]

What's this?

-[magical whooshing]
-[♪ suspenseful music playing]

There's definitely something
going on with the Russo's.

[♪ music builds, concludes]

[♪ upbeat music playing over speaker]

I can't believe I went so crazy
about this anniversary.

I did too.

I have six shopping bags
full of returns to prove it.

[chuckles]

I just wanted to make you feel as special
as you always make me feel.

Oh, honey, you do, especially this year

with all the wizard stuff.
I mean... [chuckles]

...you've been amazing.

I just want you to know
how much I appreciate you.

I do and I love you. [chuckles]

How'd you get this reservation?

It's impossible to get a table here.

Uh, I had a little help.

[in valley girl accent] Do you guys think
the shrimp toast is salty?

I think it's salty.
I'm gonna send it back.

This is officially
the weirdest anniversary ever.

-Yep.
-[glasses clink]

[♪ upbeat rock music playing]

[♪ music concludes]