Ladies and gentlemen,
Lewis Black!
Now that's the...
sound of an audience
that hasn't been
out for a while.
I'm really thrilled...
at the level of excitement
you're bringing this evening.
Tone it down.
You know, I...
'cause I really...
really wish I was...
even half as excited as you are.
But I think...
I think that music,
you know... is...
Eh!
It's... I mean, it's great,
but it's over the top.
It creates an expectation
in this room that,
you know, you hear this
and you get f*cking pumped
and you think what's
gonna come out.
You know, jugglers
and sword swallowers
and fire eaters and gymnasts
and f*cking wild animals even.
Jaguars and tigers and...
and then...
and then just one aging
Jew wanders on the stage.
And let me just say,
I know that for those of you
who came here tonight
and don't know me.
You were probably
just a bit shocked.
You thought...
"I came all the way for this?"
And if you don't know me,
I'm just going to
tell you upfront.
This...uh...
This could be a long night.
It really could.
And if you get upset tonight...
uh... it's on you.
It's... It's not on me.
OK?
All right, you had
ample opportunity, OK?
Including the pandemic which
gave you a f*cking ton of time.
So do a little research
and kind of see who
you were coming...
Oh, I'm gonna go
see this person.
But you f*cking didn't.
You didn't do your homework.
If you had children
and you went to a movie you'd
read the review, wouldn't you?
And you'd sit there
and go, you know,
so that when you ended up
at the movie with your kids,
you didn't find yourself
in the middle of it going,
"f*ck, they k*lled everybody!"
So what's gonna happen is...
I'm gonna say some things
and you're not really
gonna hear them.
What you're going to hear
is that you're gonna feel
as if I have challenged
your basic belief system.
You're going to feel that
somehow I have
f*cking insulted you
on a level you never imagined.
And...
what I've said,
all I said was a joke.
That was it.
Just a joke.
But what you're
going to hear is,
"Your mother
sucks c*ck in hell!"
And that isn't what I said.
OK? It's not even close.
And you have to understand, OK,
that I have been doing this
for a long time, and...
never have I said anything
on the stage
that has changed
f*cking anything.
Thousands and thousands of
people have come and watched me
and the next day woke up
and went,
"It's still the same."
And you should know that
since I started doing it,
things have gotten worse.
So realize that there...
and I know this will
shock some of you,
there are people who actually
came out tonight to see me, OK?
And they...
they overpaid.
And so I really need you
to make this evening,
don't f*ck up their
evening, OK?
Don't...
Just sit there, all right?
If I say a joke and you
don't think it's funny,
you get to nail me.
And the way you get to
nail me is you don't laugh.
That's it.
All right?
And you let your
n*pples turn bright red...
and you shut the f*ck up.
'Cause if you mess
up this evening, OK?
I'm gonna tell my mother.
And when she finds out, your
life is gonna be f*cking hell.
OK? And I mean this.
You don't f*ck
with my mother, all right?
She's 103.
So she--
My mother's 103.
Sometimes I feel
like she's a tortoise
that's escaped her shell,
I mean, it's kind
of remarkable, 103.
I am blessed really to have
spent all of that time with her,
but... she's 103.
And to give you an idea,
just how tough,
I mean she practiced
on me, OK?
And this is how, this is one
of the last things she said
when I saw her recently.
Just to give you a taste
of what's coming for you.
She said to me...
Actually, to the
caregiver there,
"He...
He just put me to sleep.
I can't imagine what
he does to an audience."
She's good.
103, so sometimes she's here...
and sometimes...
Ooh, she's there,
but I'm lucky and so is she
that we she does not have
Alzheimer's, no dementia.
What she has is something that
doctors haven't
given a name to yet.
She just makes sh*t up.
When the f*ck were
you in Thailand?
She's claimed that she
raised an entire family,
another family.
And the son, who
is as old as I am,
apparently is nicer to
her than I've ever been.
She's, uh...
in competition
now with the Bezos
and Musk and Branson.
Those are the three who were,
you know, you know them.
They're launching their
penises into space.
They are whacking off
into the universe.
They're spending billions,
billions to get out there.
My mother has been
orbiting the earth
on a regular basis for 12 years.
And I wouldn't even call where
she lived assisted living.
I call it a launchpad.
And she doesn't spend billions
because her rocket
fuel is oatmeal.
It was a long time.
It was about three, it
was more than a year,
just a chunk more than a
year that it took from me.
I didn't get to see my
mother for that long.
You know, she was in
this place she's living.
It was in a lockdown.
I could not get to visit her.
It was 500 days
from my last performance
till the time I performed again.
Five hundred days.
And the last time I performed,
in front of an audience before
the whole thing shut down,
was on March 13th,
and I was in
New Buffalo, Michigan
at a casino there.
And I knew that things
were coming to an end.
I knew that we were moving
into a shutdown, OK?
Because myself and a friend
of mine, who many of you know,
it was another, really a
great comic, Kathleen Madigan.
She and I...
She and I, from the moment
that that virus hit,
from the moment
we heard about it,
we tracked that son of a b*tch
every day, every f*cking day.
We were like the Fauci and
Birx of the comedy community.
We were on the phone.
"Did you hear that?
Did you hear what's happening?
They f*cked up, somebody left
the door open to the lab.
Somebody got on the g*dd*mn
boat, it's coming our way.
Close the harbors.
Those f*ck have
to close the harbors."
Nobody listened.
But we knew it was out there.
We knew it was coming.
And luckily I was at
least in a position,
I kind of knew this was
gonna be my last show
because the show on March 14th
that I was gonna have
had been canceled.
She, however, was on her way
to the airport to get
on a plane to Reno.
I said, "Turn back!
You don't wanna get
on that f*cking plane.
You don't wanna end up in Reno.
Son of a b*tch,
they're gonna hold you there
for God knows how long,
'cause they're gonna need
at least one person to gamble."
They talked about closing
my show on the 13th.
They said,
"We may not go through with it."
But they were kind of stuck
because 1500 f*ck
had shown up.
And we knew this, I knew it
because they were in the casino,
standing shoulder to shoulder.
That did not bode well.
There they were.
And I was there.
I was at a very safe distance.
I was, well, f*ck I was
watching 'em through binoculars.
That night I went on stage.
It was a sold out house.
I really didn't
know what to say.
I'd never been in
this position before.
Nobody knew what
was coming next.
And I stared out at them and
the first thing that came
into my mind was, "Well, woo,
thanks for risking your life."
I got a bigger laugh that night.
And so...
So I finished up,
I walked off the stage,
one of the strangest
performances,
great in many ways,
odd in others,
and I went into my dressing
room and I flashed on that thing
they say about comics
that I'd never thought
about in this way before.
You know... "Boy, he really
k*lled 'em tonight."
On March 14th, it was time.
I could go home.
I was supposed to
fly through O'Hare.
I was not gonna
go through O'Hare
because I knew and Kathleen knew
that the first time that COVID
went from one person to another
in this country was at O'Hare.
That's the kind of sh*t I knew.
So I'm not going to
that f*cking airport.
I don't have a hazmat suit.
And O'Hare on a good
day is a sh*thole.
And so I am very
lucky I had a tour bus
and I got onto that
and I was gonna return
back to New York City.
And on the way, I was
gonna stop for provisions.
There's a word you
don't hear anymore.
That's a word you actually hear
if you're on a wagon
train going west.
But I say provisions,
'cause I knew
I was gonna have to
pick up a lot of sh*t.
And so, we stopped.
I stopped for the
first time ever
and went into, and this'll
stun you, a Walmart.
Yeah, I know.
I'd never been in one, but
why would a single person
who'd never been duck
hunting go to a Walmart?
I mean, unless I needed
a hundred pound tub
of butter for fun.
Or, you know, but I
was gonna need
300 f*cking rolls
of toilet paper,
so I'm going to Walmart.
And I had never been, I walked
in, it was like the Vatican.
The Vatican of fatty f*ck foods.
They didn't even put
the foods together
in terms of the same product
of food, the same fruits.
No, it was the level of fat.
Fat, fattier, most fatty,
the most fatty fat-fat
f*cking fattiest fateus.
Holy sh*t, there was actually
one of those warning lights,
the red light was spinning at
one place, sirens going off.
That was the aisle that said,
"You might have a
heart attack here."
It's the first place
I've ever been into
that the soup actually
had whipped cream on it.
If you walk around a Walmart
literally for three minutes,
you will gain seven pounds.
And so I headed home...
and we got into New York
and on, uh...
March 15th, March 15th.
You have to speak into
the microphone, as*h*le.
Yeah, that was really
a private moment.
We love you, Lewis.
And I love you.
On March 15th,
I was very excited.
It was either on March 15th
or maybe a day or two after.
I can't quite place it,
but it was the day in which
for the first time...
our government
was gonna come on and...
on the TV and tell us the people
how we were going to deal
with the coming pandemic.
Not only as a group,
but individually.
I was so excited.
I called Kathleen, I said,
"f*ck, we're not
in charge anymore."
Now we've got real experts
who'll be telling us
exactly what to do.
And I was thrilled.
I sat down there and, and
the first people we saw
for the first time ever
were Dr. Fauci and Dr. Birx.
There they were.
There they were.
And I know that
some of you, for sure,
have problems with
Dr. Fauci and I...
Yes, one person
screaming in the night.
Who the problem sounded
like a sexual one there.
But Dr. Fauci, look, if you
had a problem with Dr. Fauci,
I'm just gonna tell
you this, all right?
Would you want his job?
Would you wanna do what he did?
Would you want to be that person
who had to come out every day?
What, you're yelling
at him because of what?
'Cause he has the
shittiest job on earth
and you wouldn't
do the job, OK?
Nobody wanted that f*cking job.
We're lucky anybody
took the job.
To come out there
and say, "It sucks."
The next day, "It really
sucks. It's gonna suck more."
Here's the sound.
That's how sucky it is.
Everywhere you go,
suck, suck, suck.
It's gonna be
shittier and shittier
and f*cking unbelievable.
Worst job ever.
Son of a b*tch, the only job
that I think could be worse
is if you were douching
elephants for a living.
Unbelievable, and people
were pissed with Fauci.
"Oh, he got money from Pfizer."
f*ck you, that was a lie.
"Oh, but he was rich."
Oh, you idiots.
Of course he was rich.
He's a doctor, numb nuts.
I believe that who they should
have hired to do the job,
I think what would've
made it possible
for everybody in the
country to not be upset
was they should have just
had a f*cking peacock.
I mean it.
The peacock should have come out
with the announcement every day.
And the peacock could've
strolled, you know,
or whatever noise
a peacock make.
Then underneath, there'd
be a f*cking translation
of the peacock.
And then everybody would watch.
They turn the TV on,
"I can't wait to see what
the peacock has to say!"
And Fauci and Birx stood there,
and they began to speak
and none of us knew what the
f*ck they were talking about.
We'd never heard or seen
anything like this in
our lives, ever.
And goddammit it.
And about a third
of the way through,
it was becoming clearer and
clearer what they were saying.
It was really quite simple.
And what they were saying was,
"We're f*cked!
We're totally f*cked!"
At this point...
our leader...
pushed them aside.
And with nary a
stethoscope in sight,
he strode to the mic
because he wanted to
be sure we remain calm.
And he knew that these
two weren't going to help.
So, he decided he
was going to tell us
how we were going to deal
with what was going
to be happening.
And he could do that
because he is the first
president ever elected...
ever...
Thank you.
The first President ever elected
who just...
knows stuff.
Yeah, look, I've been through...
I have lived through
a lot of presidents.
And none of them knew sh*t.
But this president really was
f*cking on top of the game.
This president knew f*cking
every f*cking thing
you could know.
Not these idiots.
Goddammit.
All of a sudden, finally.
He knew how much wood
a woodchuck would...
if a woodchuck could chuck wood.
He knew how many cords.
He knew how many cords of wood.
He memorized
all of the recipes
in The Betty Crocker Cookbook.
Yes, he did.
Yes, he f*cking did.
Why? Because he can do it.
And at this point, he explained
just how the virus
would come to us
and what would happen.
And he said it would
be like the flu.
It would just come and then...
woo, it would go.
It is what he said.
And...
he got the timeline off.
But everybody got
the timeline off.
Everyone did.
They're still not sure
about the timeline, OK?
He got it off.
He was wrong, OK?
And the reason everybody
has been wrong is
because everybody's
got a f*cking theory
about how this virus
came to be, all right?
And I'm the only one who
actually knows what happened.
And, yeah, that's right.
And lucky, lucky you are
here with me this evening.
So that I can tell
you the story.
Yes. Many people think,
"Oh, it came out of
the lab in Wuhan."
It did not come out of that lab.
That would require
intelligence, all right?
And when intelligence
is involved,
this kind of sh*t
doesn't happen.
This happens when it's...
when something f*cking
stupid happens.
And what happened was
this, quite simply,
somebody f*cked a bat.
Somebody f*cked a bat.
Somebody f*cked a bat.
I don't think you're listening.
Somebody f*cked a bat.
Someone said,
"Hey, I'm gonna f*ck a bat."
They saw a bat.
They said, "Oh, look at
how cute that bat is.
I'm gonna f*ck that bat."
They took their little
ears of that bat
and pushed him
down on the table,
pulled their p*nis out,
and put it inside a bat.
I know. It disgusts
me to talk about it.
Makes me sick.
In...
And listen closely,
in the first draft
of the Old Testament,
I don't, I don't
think you heard me.
In the very first draft of
the Old Testament, all right?
In that draft that
was there, you know,
many Christians believe that
God just wrote that book.
Just wrote it.
And every Jew knows
that something
that is that well written took
a number of f*cking rewrites.
And so, in the first draft,
it should be noted
that God said,
before he tells Adam and
Eve not to eat the apple,
he says "whatever you do,
don't f*ck a bat.
All hell will break loose."
And as you read now,
it isn't there.
No, in the ensuing
drafts, never comes back.
Because God thought,
"Hey, who's gonna f*ck a bat?"
So, after listening to
all of this, I have to say
that I felt much like I felt
when I was in elementary school
when I was like nine.
And the teacher said,
"in case of a nuclear attack,
get under your desk."
And I said,
"Why would I do that?"
And she said,
"Because you'll burn faster."
So...
I learned a number of
important things that day.
And the most important was
that I was a target for COVID.
I learned that pretty,
pretty quickly.
Because I was old.
And let me say, until that
f*cking virus showed up,
I didn't know I was f*cking old!
And...
I had an
underlying condition.
And so, I knew I
was, I was screwed.
And that I was gonna
have to lock down,
that I was gonna have to go
into solitary confinement
in my apartment alone.
I would be alone.
And it was for twelve weeks.
And I learned from
that experience
that solitary confinement
is a f*cking punishment.
I mean, for four days, it's fun.
Oh, it's a treat.
Your brain is having
the time of its life.
It goes through everything
that ever happened to you.
And it looks at it from
all sides, types of sizes,
everything, every,
all the sides,
everything you could imagine,
"Oh, and this could
have happened.
And that could
have happened."
And your brain is all excited.
It's like your whole life is
a jungle gym for your brain,
and it can't be more thrilled
to be spending this time,
and you get to literally
be disgusted by everything
that had disgusted you.
And now you can even
be madder and madder.
Your brain can go
right after it.
And that lasts for four days.
And then your brain
gets f*cking bored.
And when your brain is
bored, it comes after you!
And holy f*ck,
then it was like the g*dd*mn
Nuremberg trials day after day.
"You f*cked up
this relationship.
You f*cked up this relationship,
then you f*cked up
this relationship.
You want to know
why you're alone?
'Cause you f*cked up
that relationship.
Then you f*cked up
this relationship.
She didn't even want to
spend any time with you.
And you spent some time and
not even you f*cked that up.
And goddammit, and you...
children.
Oh, she wanted to have children.
Who the f*ck would want you as
a parent, you piece of sh*t?
If you had children,
there'd be people all around.
But you didn't, did you?
Because you f*cked up that
relationship because you said,
"Oh, I don't want children.
I want to have a career."
Well, look around
the living room.
Where's your f*cking
career now?"
Then my friends would call me
and they would say
that thing we all said.
We all said in the first
10 weeks of the pandemic,
we all said, it's
the dumbest thing
anybody could f*cking say.
"How are you doing?"
"How are you doing?"
Are you sh1tting me?!
How the f*ck do you
think I'm doing, as*h*le?
I'm trying not to die!
Goddammit, I'm living
like a raccoon.
I'm washing every
thing that comes
into the apartment, goddammit.
Only I'm wearing rubber gloves,
and I'm scrubbing
everything down.
All of my fruits and vegetables.
I'm scrubbing 'em
down with Clorox,
scrubbing them down,
scrubbing them down.
I thought my friends
would come to the house
and find me dead on the floor.
Then they call my other friends.
-"Lewis died."
-"What happened?"
"Well, he had Clorox poisoning.
He died the way we always
thought he would die.
He died 'cause he's
a f*cking moron."
Meanwhile, there were all
of those folks out there,
all of those folks who
the pandemic for them
was the greatest thing
that ever happened.
There were tons of those people.
It was like a
renaissance for them.
Please, that actually could
have broken eardrums, you f*ck.
Goddammit.
I asked, just 'cause I
didn't say do not whistle,
I thought it was inherent.
I almost had a dog
pop outta my a*s.
There were those people.
One is here this evening,
one who learned how to become
a professional whistler.
But it is, people were
doing all sorts of stuff.
f*cking unbelievable.
I'm miserable,
and these f*cking people...
How did that happen?
How did you get six new
degrees in 12 weeks?
What the f*ck going on?
Son of a b*tch.
Just extraordinary to me.
You turn the TV on every day.
Every one of those morning shows
had one of those pricks on it.
"Oh, I just came up with
13 new sourdough starters."
Well, why don't you come over
and suck on my sourdough
starter d*ck, you f*ck?
Are you kidding me?
I didn't bake.
I didn't do pop and fresh.
I didn't do toast.
But with toast, then I
would have to make eggs.
If I made eggs, they'd
have to be sunny side up.
And you never make anything
with the word sunny side
in it during a pandemic.
I didn't sous vide.
Oh yeah, everywhere
throughout the country
people were sous vide-ing.
"I found a new way
to cook meat."
Go f*ck yourself.
There were idiots
in New York City
who were smoking
meats in their kitchen
and lived to tell about it.
People became sushi
Zen masters. Not me.
I didn't cook for
myself and nobody,
and I mean nobody, should
cook for themselves ever.
It's the road to madness.
Why? Fractions.
Yeah.
Every recipe,
every recipe in
The Betty Crocker Cookbook
is for a family,
a happy family, of four.
Not for one miserable prick.
What's one quarter of one
16th of a teaspoon of cumin?
That's not a recipe for a meal.
That's a recipe for
a f*cking stroke.
I did, um...
The one thing I kind of
made a commitment to,
which I'd never
really done before,
but I really took this one.
I said, yep...
drinking.
Yeah, I started to drink
and I drank some more and
then I drank a bit more.
And then sometimes I
drank more than that.
Yes siree, and I wouldn't
start until seven o'clock.
I showed some
f*cking discipline.
But there were some
days I pulled the blinds
and went, "f*ck it."
I drank to forget.
That's why I drank.
I drank to forget
that I'd hadn't become
a sculptor or a gardener.
I hadn't bought a loom.
I wasn't making pot holders.
I wasn't making masks
that on the side said,
"My other mask is an N95."
I didn't exercise, OK?
I didn't buy a Peloton because
I had no kids to feed it.
I didn't...
I didn't, like many people,
run in a marathon
in my apartment.
Who the f*ck runs a marathon
in their apartment?!
Those people should be
taken the f*ck away.
You've lost your f*cking grip
if you're running a
marathon in your apartment.
"Oh, I was doing really well.
Then I ran into the couch,
in the 24 miles and
goddammit I pulled a hammy.
I'm gonna be out for weeks."
Shut up.
I thought I would read.
That's what I
thought I would do.
I really believed I would read.
It was a perfect time for it.
I had a lot of friends who
were reading tons of books.
Two, three, four books a week.
Nothing but time.
I thought, this is the
real opportunity
I've been waiting for.
I'd read some really
remarkable books.
I've read some of
the great books,
and now all of a sudden
I've found myself, f*ck,
this could be it.
I could read Moby d*ck finally.
I tried a number of times,
but only got to page eight.
I said, "You know what?
f*ck that white whale.
I don't give a sh*t.
I'm not getting on that
wooden f*cking boat
and going to sea.
I'll be vomiting by page 16."
Goddammit, and then I picked up
the book and I tried to read it.
I got to page three,
and my brain said,
"Drop the f*cking book,
you're gonna die."
I thought...
I thought that I would
write a play, another play.
You see, until I got into this,
I was a playwright.
I wrote plays until I was 40.
And the reason I like
to talk about this
is 'cause I like to
feel the interest
of the audience leave the room.
Yeah.
This reinforces my
choice in a way.
But I thought, "Goddammit,
this would be a
perfect time to write a play."
But no, no..
You see, I wrote
plays for a long time.
I wrote a lot of plays.
I mean, a f*cking lot of plays,
to the interest of nobody.
And I didn't care.
I loved doing it.
I didn't give a sh*t and I'd
send them out and nothing.
And I made practically
nothing on this.
I wasn't making any money.
You don't make money
as a playwright.
And goddammit I thought,
son of a b*tch,
the next one will do it,
and it didn't.
So what I would've done really
was kind of take a...
a vow of poverty.
I guess I wanted to be a
priest, but keep f*cking.
And I was getting just
enough reinforcement.
We've all had this in our lives,
when we're trying
to follow a dream,
and we kind of get
reinforced to do something.
Go, yeah, I'm almost there.
And I kept thinking I'm
getting closer and closer.
And then finally a series
of f*cking musicals came
to New York and I said,
"I can't write that sh*t."
Broadway was f*cking
awash in f*cking nonsense.
And the one that really
drove me out of the theater
is one that I know
many of you love.
It's one of America's
most loved musicals.
And it made me nuts.
Cats.
That's right, yeah,
don't f*cking,
some of you f*cking
like that, I know it.
Son of a b*tch. Cats...
I was...
I had friends in the first
production of Cats.
They actually went
on to become stars.
"Are you coming
to see the show?"
f*ck you, you're
dressed up like a cat.
Unless you're all doing
some sort of a conga line
in a litter box, I'm not coming.
I never saw Cats.
I heard some of the music,
but I never saw it.
I couldn't bring myself to go,
but there was a production
a number of years ago,
just before the sh*t hit the
fan that was really well worth--
I wish I'd known,
I would've gone.
It was a performance of
Cats, which was disrupted,
when an audience member's
service dog got away...
and began chasing one of
the cat-costumed actors.
This is the first time
one of the actual cats
was involved in an
incident with a dog.
How good is that?
It doesn't get any
better than that.
Theater is--
The best a theater can be, is
when that fourth wall drops;
When it disappears.
It's why at times,
if something happens like
the person whistling,
or that the woman
hooting in the back,
I respond to it because
there's no f*cking wall here.
But theater pretends,
and when it disappears...
son of a b*tch,
the audience becomes
a part of it.
And when you've got a dog
running around on stage,
there's nothing more
exciting than to hear
Memories...
Oh yeah, I'd have paid...
God, I'd have paid a couple
of thousand dollars
to see that f*cking show.
As time went on,
I finally realized
as I began to talk
to my friends
around the country,
that there were places
I could go where
my friends had been doing
the same thing I had.
They were hunkered down,
so that we could get together.
I could visit people.
And one of the things
that made that possible,
was if I wore a mask.
This excited me to no end.
But then there were many
people-- it turns out,
who were really, really
upset about masks.
"Son of a b*tch..."
they would scream
"...you're taking
away my freedom!"
"No, I'm asking you
to wear a mask."
Yeah, that's it.
It's that simple,
a mask.
Why did I ask?
Because you see, I have a...
I'm a target for Covid.
So if you're not wearing
a mask and you go...
There's a good chance...
I'm gonna f*cking die!
OK?
So don't tell me that,
if I'm asking you
to wear a mask,
I'm taking away your freedom.
If I ask you to put a
ball gag in your mouth
and then wear the mask...
Then, I'm taking
away your freedom.
OK?
And I got...
And if I was wearing a mask--
I was in Florida a
couple of months ago.
If I'm wearing a mask,
that doesn't challenge anybody.
But in Florida, where
there was no pandemic,
it really...
it really was a challenge.
People would look at me,
if I was wearing a mask--
and I'm serious...
as if I had my p*nis
wrapped around my neck.
And, if I had my p*nis
wrapped around my neck,
I'll tell you I wouldn't be
doing this sh*t for a living.
I did...
The thing that, you know,
that was fascinating
was to learn that some
people thought that
health and freedom had
something to do with each other.
They don't.
Health and freedom
are completely separate.
And how do I know that?
How do I know that they're
two different things?
Because they're
spelt differently.
I'll tell you this, OK?
There's a, like,
If I had not thought of
this three weeks ago,
and thought of this
at the very beginning
when people they were asking
people to wear masks...
I will tell you that
what I should have done...
I should have come up with
a mask with a nipple in it.
There isn't... and I know there
are folks out there because
of your response
to certain things,
that the mask thing I
said really bothered you.
But I'm gonna tell you f*ck,
if I put a nipple in that mask,
you'd be sucking away right now.
No kidding.
If a nip--
if you don't find a nipple
to be reason enough
to put on a mask,
you see a f*cking
psychiatrist, OK?
On the list of sh*t that
is wonderful in this world,
n*pples at least
is number three.
Goddammit! Everybody would
be walking around.
Nobody'd be
listening to anybody.
I can't hear you.
And if I got liquid to
go through that nipple,
holy f*ck, I'd be the President.
They... there's a... they think
we're "going back to normal."
They keep saying that.
I mean, is
"going back to normal"
having Steve Bannon in the
White House, is that normal?
Steve Bannon?
Does that make sense?
Steve Bannon, why would you
have him at the White House?
Why would you have him
at the White House? OK?
That I don't understand because,
I wouldn't wanna
look at Steve Bannon
and not, but not
on any kind of a--
Steve Bannon looks
exactly like how I feel
when I'm hungover.
Would you put Kellyanne Conway
back in the White House?
Is that normal?
Kellyanne Conway is
somebody you choose
to k*ll your daughter's
cheerleading rival.
We've gone back to,
we've gone back to, really...
We're in abnormal...
we tripled down on abnormal.
We are so abnormal
in certain ways,
that we've made countries
that used to look abnormal,
look f*cking normal.
We're going through
really unusual times,
really strange times.
OK?
The vaccine I...
See... I that--
The president,
the... the leader,
made... made--
said that
we were gonna have a vaccine
at warp speed.
And he did it.
It was done.
To his credit, that
vaccine was created
like f*cking nobody's business.
I thought, that since
he was a Republican,
and there were...
there was a lot of Republicans,
that they would take the vaccine
- and a lot of them...
- didn't.
And I went,
"f*ck, did I miss a day?"
I was big on the vaccine.
And the one of the
reasons is 'cause:
I didn't wanna f*cking die!
And I was big on
the vaccine because...
My mother was my role model
when it came to health.
And my mother
took every vaccine
that came down the pike.
Every single vaccination
you could f*cking have.
My mother took it.
One, after the other,
after the other and...
she's now a
hundred and three!
So...
it wasn't a tough
decision for me.
It's what I thought,
"f*ck, this is perfect.
I'm gonna take the vaccine."
As a matter of
fact, I would take--
if my bathtub,
instead of giving water
had a vaccine in it,
I'd be bathing every day.
Uh-uh.
But what I didn't
understand,
was my...my generation.
I didn't understand how
people my age
didn't take the vaccine.
I didn't get it.
I could understand how other
people might be skeptical.
Not my generation.
My generation, I thought,
pretty much gets it.
Because, my generation
went through
the greatest science experiment
in the history of the country.
My generation took
the polio vaccine.
My generation...
and nobody knew what the
f*ck was gonna happen.
Nobody.
They took us out
into the schoolyard,
and had a giant
hypodermic needle,
and "Take this in the
arm and if you don't,
you're gonna lay on the ground
and we're gonna shove
it up your a*s."
And that's because
our parents said,
"Listen you little sh*t,
you're taking that shot
whether you f*cking
like it or not."
And that's it.
Because we don't wanna
be watching television
and listen to your
f*cking iron lung
rattle in the background.
I didn't understand what made
Americans fear the
vaccine so much.
I never quite understood that.
Where we advertise on
television, pharmaceuticals.
We advertise pharmaceuticals,
and those ads must work,
'cause people are f*cking
buying those pharmaceuticals,
and some of the f*cking
things that you can get,
they're telling you that
you could get f*cked
by any one of these things.
You don't wanna be allergic
to it, you could die.
Boy, you might
sh*t yourself out,
and you'll be living inside out.
Your outsides will be out,
your inside...
What? Are you f*cking,
people are buying it.
And maybe the problem
we have with vaccines
is we didn't advertise how
shitty the reaction would be.
You're f*cked.
We should have told people,
"Yeah, take that vaccine,
it's really gonna f*ck you up,
your eyes will cross."
Look, I can't wait to get it!
In a g*dd*mn country
denying the f*cking,
"I'm not taking the vaccine."
But we buy $12 billion
in supplements.
What the f*ck are we thinking?
You gotta be kidding me.
They're supplements, you idiot.
They're not regulated.
People put whatever the sh*t
they want to in those capsules.
Figure it the f*ck out.
Goddammit.
It's in a CVS.
It's in a Walmart,
it's in a g*dd*mn Duane Reade.
It's sitting there.
You... goddammit.
"Oh boy. I'm taking these pills
because Frank Amundsen
and Doug Flutie,
they took their pills, and
they got bigger dicks now."
Are you kidding me?
The f*ck planet
are you living on?
They're sitting, the g*dd*mn
things, they're sitting,
these supplements are
right next to Tampax's.
And if I covered a
Tampax in chocolate,
and tried to sell it as
something that'd give you
your hair back, people would
be f*cking biting down.
We're taking CBD oil like
there's no f*cking tomorrow.
No, and it's not regulated.
Some people have great CBD,
and they really give
a sh*t about it.
But a lot of them
don't give a f*ck.
There are truck
stops I've been to
where they don't even
know how to spell CBD.
Goddammit.
I'm surprised there
are people who took,
f*cking comes from a weed
that grows by the
side of the road.
I'm surprised we don't
see thousands of Americans
on their hands and knees
chewing that sh*t up.
Goddammit.
I'm taking a f*cking supplement.
It's called Ashwagandha.
That's how hip I am.
It's an Indian herb, and it's
supposed to make you calm.
That's really
f*cking working out.
One thing that we...
One thing that we really...
got to deal with
in this country,
is we have to deal with
the truly crazy people
that walk amongst us.
We used to do that.
If somebody did something
crazy, we didn't go,
"Well, let's try to
understand that." No!
No! We went, "Holy f*ck.
You're gonna go have to sit
there for a while in the tent
with the white lab coat guy."
Yes, we did.
And the reason we had to
clear out the truly cray-crays
is because the rest of us have
real mental health issues.
And if you don't think you
have a mental health issue
after being alone
on one level or another
for the last f*cking few years,
something is wrong with you.
We all have the problem.
It's nothing to be
ashamed of, OK?
I had never
experienced depression.
I had never experienced anxiety.
And then, goddammit,
we have got to find a way
so that we can deal
with our problems
and our children's problems.
All right?
Because if you allow, look,
to allow Q-Anon to run amok,
they're nuts, OK?
And I don't give a f*ck
if your cousin's in Q-Anon
and you don't think he's nuts.
I'm not a psychiatrist,
but I know cray-cray
when I f*cking see it.
I'm old enough.
I get it.
Goddammit.
Pedophiles everywhere.
There are pedophiles
everywhere, they yell.
That's what these Q-Anon,
son of a b*tch, they're
out in Hollywood.
They're politicians. f*ck you!
Goddammit, put that energy
into finding real pedophiles.
What are you wasting
f*cking time for?
You gonna tell me
Hillary Clinton is a pedophile?
Are you f*cking nuts?
Hillary Clinton doesn't want
to have sex with children,
Hillary Clinton doesn't even
want to have sex anymore.
And then, and this is
when we could have got 'em,
a bunch of them gathered
down in Dealey Plaza.
That was where they
k*lled President Kennedy.
And they said that,
that they believed that
John F. Kennedy Jr.
was gonna come back.
Now...
I don't think when somebody
comes back from the dead,
they go to the place where
their father's k*lled.
So, I called him up to see,
and he said,
"No, I'm not coming back.
I've got, I'm coming
in three weeks.
That's when my
flying lesson is."
That's worth the whole evening.
That... that's what upsets you.
And it's good you have empathy.
We don't have empathy
for live people,
but f*cking dead people,
we're right on it.
And he was coming back
'cause he was gonna
meet up with Donald Trump.
This is what they said.
And then the two of them
would go to the White House
and kick out the Ghost
of Christmas Past.
They were all there,
there was a whole bunch of
them there in Dealey Plaza.
Just... there.
And all we needed to do was
fly over them and drop a net.
In the end...
I think what...
I think what really got to me,
and I think got to
all of us in a way,
was the lack of companionship.
And companionship, you may
have been with your family,
but you weren't out
in the public square,
you weren't with people.
And that makes a difference.
Because otherwise you're
just staring at your phone,
yelling at that prick
who you don't know.
Sending out little
things to tell them
what an as*h*le they are.
And that was a big problem.
Because if you're not
with those people,
you start to realize, you know,
you get separated from them.
I know that something was
wrong with that separation.
I know because I began
to miss assholes.
Their presence.
Not on the phone, I don't
need 'em on the phone,
I need them right
in front of me,
saying something
really f*cking stupid.
And then we can talk about
baseball teams we like.
But you need assholes.
Assholes make us better.
Not on a screen, but when
they're there in the room.
f*cking A.
"Oh, boy," you say,
"I may be an as*h*le,
but that's a bigger as*h*le."
And I was really, I was
f*cking, what f*cked me up
was a lack of
companionship at that time.
That sense of being
amongst people.
My friends, early
on in the pandemic
when I was losing
my g*dd*mn grip,
said, "You know what you need?
You need a cat."
Those people are no
longer my friends.
There's something
wrong with cats.
There's something
wrong with cats.
There's something wrong
with f*cking cats.
There's something
wrong with cats.
And the only people
who don't know
that there's something
wrong with cats,
are people who own cats.
And they own cats because
they don't trust people.
No, what they trust
is a cat.
And nobody should trust a cat,
because these people have
never looked in a cat's eyes,
and don't you ever
look in a cat's eyes!
I have. And a cat will
try to suck your soul out.
My soul is this big,
and I got involved in
a fight with a tomcat,
that son of a b*tch.
What if he got my soul?
What would that f*ck
do with it?
I had to kick it
in the mouth,
that son of a b*tch.
If a cat weighed twenty
pounds more, it would eat you,
it would eat you,
it would eat you.
It would eat you.
People who own cats say
when it rubs up against me,
it makes that purring sound.
It's telling me it loves me.
No, it's not,
It's telling you,
"You may feed me,
but soon I will feed on you."
Yes, siree, Bob.
Oh, but it makes
that pretty sound.
That sounds, sounds like
there's a f*cking engine inside.
Sometimes I think that
cats aren't animals.
They're f*cking machines.
OK? They sh*t in a box.
They sh*t in a box.
They sh*t in a box.
They sh*t in a box.
A cat shits in a box.
No other animal shits in a box.
During the fall, do you ever see
g*dd*mn squirrel building a hut
for himself to take a sh*t?
No, you don't.
No, because the cat's hiding
in there to send the
tapes they've been making
of you back to the
mothership, as*h*le.
They've been tracking you.
They're the ones that control
space lasers, not us Jews.
So...
I was asked a lot as
I was sitting around
I do these interviews, you know,
"Boy, you're not working.
What, what do you miss the most
about, you know, performing?
Do you miss the laughter?"
I said, "What? Laughter?"
I said, "I do a lot of
performing and...
and... to no laughs.
And I do a lot of times
that I'll hear laughter
and no one is there."
Yes, siree, Bob.
Yeah, no, I said, what I missed,
and this is what I missed
was my relationship
with the audience.
What I missed is the
fact that I miss you.
I missed my...
but this is...
This is really sad for you.
This is sad what I'm gonna say.
But it's sad for you,
it's that you are my
primary relationship.
And you are, you're
the ones I talk to
and you've given me
a, you've, you've come
out year after year after year,
and I'm in front of you
and you allow me to, to
basically write in front of you.
I'm writing in front of you.
It takes a f*cking
idiot to do that.
And it takes a group of people
who are also idiots...
to come out and give me
that kind of freedom.
It's extraordinary to me.
You've given me a gift that I
will never be able to repay.
And for that, I deeply
thank all of you.
And...
well, don't,
let's not push it.
And so in the end,
what I realized is, is that...
I really...
I really don't like you.
But tragically, I need you.
So, please take care
of each other and...
and I love you.
I can't thank you enough.
Good night.
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Lewis Black: Tragically, I Need You (2023)
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