02x07 - Crystal Ball

[bunniefuu]

♪

[Tires screech]
FLUTE: Uhh!

♪

Minivan!

♪

Uhh. [Sips]
Ugh. Sweet potato.

♪

Food truck!

♪

[Grunting]

Ugh.

♪

KANG: What's wrong?
Go after him.

FLUTE: I can't.
I-I only got one left.

- BURLY BANDIT: One what?
- FLUTE: It's none of your business.

KANG: One testicle.
He backed into a doorknob.

Popped it.
Real mess.

FLUTE: Why are you telling him this?

KANG: I'm an open book.
Just lift your leg over slowly.

FLUTE: What if it catches
and it tears open,

spilling out the one nickel
I got left in my coin pouch?

BURLY BANDIT: Speaking of
being torn, I want to see this,

but I should really escape.

FLUTE: Just go.
I got this. One, two.

[Siren wails]
[Horn honks]

HARMONY: Firefighters say
it's their most embarrassing

rescue operation since
the magnifying glass fire

at Microphallus Fest.

MARTINEZ: Ha ha. I only put
my kids on my lock screen,

but for this, I'll make
an exception.

[Flute grunting]

I'd climb down from this
firefighter's arms right now.

if it wasn't secretly
fulfilling a fantasy of mine.

[Theme music playing]

♪

[Crack]

♪

KANG: You don't need this surgery.
You can live with one.

FLUTE: But I can't live
with the fact that there's

a criminal on the loose
because I was scared of a fence.

Once my tool-bag is back to full,
nothing will scare me.

KANG: Trying to change your
destiny is always bad juju.

You need to give up
this dream and accept

you're a testiclops.

SUMMERS: A dutch lunch
with Flute. Huh.

A jar of Flute's mustache trimmings.

Drive Flute home from surgery?!

PENTOS: Don't bother.
I'm bidding on that one.

With Flute numbed out
on painkillers, I plan on

asking him to co-sign on
an investment lair.

SUMMERS: Well, I'm also bidding
on that, so, best of luck.

PENTOS: Luck?
Luck is what happens

when preparation
meets opportunity.

Like, say, someone getting
mysteriously hacked

and reprogrammed to think
he was a Speak n Spell.

SUMMERS: Spell "You just
crossed the line, b*tch."

[Music stops]

MARTINEZ: A celebration
for your genitals?

This better be a retirement party.

FLUTE: I see someone left
the dog door open.

MARTINEZ: At least I got through it
without calling the fire department.

FLUTE: Shouldn't you be getting back
to the Shire? [Cell phone vibrates]

[Chimes]

Time to pair up.

♪

PENTOS: Here for emotional support?

SUMMERS: Yes. And to
drive Flute home from surgery.

- I won the auction.
- PENTOS: As did I.

♪

SUMMERS: I need to speak to
Detective Flute

before his surgery.
I'm his partner and roommate.

NURSE MOMOA: I'm afraid that
doesn't qualify to get you in there.

PENTOS: Of course it doesn't, you fool.
Which way to Marvin's room?

I'm his "number-one rival-enemy-
h*m*-mentor-nemesis-guy."

NURSE MOMOA: Sorry, but
the patient has banned

non-family members
and someone named Stan.

PENTOS: We will not be deterred
in finding out

who is Flute's top foil.
Follow me.

[Machine beeping]

CHOIR: ♪ Ahh ♪

FLUTE: Full coin purse, baby.

NURSE MOMOA: Your donor
wrote you this letter

and insisted
you read it immediately.

FLUTE: Why would I care what
some one-nut chump has to say?

CHOIR: ♪ Ahh ♪

FLUTE: It's supposed to glow, right?

♪

It's official.
My unicycle is now bi.

- KANG: How you feeling?
- FLUTE: I feel complete.

Everything is right with me.
And now left as well.

WYNONA: Quite a manspread
you got there.

FLUTE: Please.
I'm just getting started.

- KANG: How are you doing that?
- FLUTE: Probably the pain meds.

Can somebody help me, please?

DISPATCH: All units,
the Burly Bandit spotted

fleeing the
Grimsburg Arts District.

FLUTE: He's not getting away
from me this time.

DISPATCH: Reports at the scene
say he's headed toward

the Fence District.

♪

My keyboard finally arrived.

♪

PENTOS: Flute has to be
in one of these rooms.

SUMMERS: Have you noticed
there's a lot of

smooching doctors around here?

PENTOS: Yeah, ever since
"Grey's Anatomy,"

this is what hospitals have become.

That's why emo pop music
is always playing

whenever we walk into a room.

♪

Not to mention all the hit-you-
over-the-head social issues.

DR. YAZZIE: I don't care
that he's a r*cist.

You have to operate on him.

DR. NATAF:
I can't. I'm on ketamine

that I bought from
your homeless son.

DR. YAZZIE:
Damn you, climate change!

NURSE MOMOA: You two.

Why didn't you say
you were doctors?

I would have played "Challengers"
with both of you sexy rat men.

PENTOS: We are
looking for Marvin Flute.

NURSE MOMOA: Oh, he drove
himself home a while ago.

PENTOS: It seems that
once again, the sidekicks

have been kicked to the side.

Damn thine poetic tongue.

NURSE MOMOA: Hey! Let's go.
I need two doctors

who aren't furiously
making out, stat.

- SUMMERS: But we're not...
- PENTOS: What are you doing?

We finally have a chance to become

the main characters
in our own story.

SUMMERS: But Flute hates
shenanigans like this.

PENTOS: Well, he's not
here now, is he?

Come on. One last
shenanigan and then I promise

we'll never shenan-again.

KANG: Welcome to Grimsburg's
Fence District.


downtown redeveloped into

the largest collection of
fences ever constructed.

An incredible waste of tax money

and the perfect test
for your new scrotum.

♪

MARTINEZ: This time I'm
gonna sh**t landscape.

It'll make your failure
more cinematic.

FLUTE: Time to see what
you're made of, Lefty.

[Flute and Burly Bandit grunting]

♪

FLUTE: Uhh!

BURLY BANDIT: Uhh.

FLUTE: Well, Martinez, seems
my boys passed the test... ees.

BURLY BANDIT: But how will
they do on the pop quiz?

- Uhh!
- FLUTE: Oof!

BURLY BANDIT: Uhh.
Ha ha ha ha ha...

Uhh. Ha ha ha ha...

KANG: Oh, my God, he just
got hit by a truck!

♪

FLUTE: [high-pitched voice]
To the new owner of my crystal ball.

Wait, is this my voice now?

Is it ever going to go back to
[deep voice] normal?

Well, now, this is too low.
I'm Morgan Freeman.

Is that offensive?
Oh, thank God. I think it was.

FLUTE: "Upon being hit, you
will see a vision

"of that person's future.
"But be warned,

"do not try to change the future

"or it's gonna
wicked suck for you.

I'm from Boston, by the way."

KANG: Told you.
You messed with your destiny

and now your juju is poopoo.

FLUTE: Are you kidding?
I have superpowers now.

I should join a Justice League.

Do we have a Justice League?
I should start a Justice League.

TRIVIA HOST:
What was the name of Cory's

- love interest on "Boy Meets World"?
- FLUTE: I got this.

Excuse me,
guy whose most valuable item

is a 10-year-old laptop
covered in anime stickers.

Can I submit a question?
Name the smelly, unfunny,

long-winded incel
who devoted his life

to something that pays nothing.

TRIVIA HOST: Uhh!

And the answer is Topanga.

FLUTE: Uhh, it's Topanga.

- [Wynona gasps] He's right.
- FLUTE: Wait, you knew that?

WYNONA: I wanted to see
if it worked.

FLUTE: Whatever. It's time for
this prophet to make a profit.

MAN: ♪ Hit it ♪

♪

WOMAN: ♪ It takes two to make
a thing go right ♪

♪ It takes two to make it
outta sight ♪

MAN: ♪ Hit it,
I wanna rock right now ♪

♪ I'm Rob Base and I
came to get down ♪

♪ I'm not
internationally known ♪

♪ But I'm known to rock
the microphone because ♪

♪ I get stoopid,
I mean outrageous ♪

♪ Stay away from me
if you're contagious ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm a 1, 2, 3,
get loose now ♪

WOMAN: ♪ It takes two to make a ♪

♪ It, it, it takes two to make a ♪

-♪ It, it... ♪
- WYNONA: We k*lled it. 200 bucks.

FLUTE: What?
Why didn't you bet more?

WYNONA: I'm cash poor.
All my money is tied up in

- Princess Diana Beanie Babies.
- MARTINEZ: What's going on in here?

OTIS: Flute's new nad
has psychic powers.

If you kick it,
he can see your future.

MARTINEZ: That's it!
No more talking about Flute's

- gross testicle all the time!
- FLUTE: You're the gross one who works

out at lunch and then comes back
looking like a Studio Ghibli witch.

MARTINEZ: I hate you
more than anything.

FLUTE: And I hate you more than
having to create a password

with an uppercase and a lowercase
and a number and a symbol.

MARTINEZ: Oh, yeah, doofus?
Well, how's this

for case sensitive? Aah!

At work, I hated this doofus.

But now we've been
married for 30 years,

maybe 10 more if this guy's
liver holds out. Ha ha ha!

But that would take a miracle.

[Flute screaming]

KANG: I wonder what he saw.

WYNONA: I should get back to work.

MARTINEZ: Yeah. I'm gonna go
prep my statements

for explaining this to HR.

SUMMERS: It's crazy how easy
pretending to be a doctor is.

PENTOS: I know.
I did my pre-med at Hulu.

♪

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Thank you,
doctors, for filling in

on my engorgement surgery.

SUMMERS: E-E-Engorgement?

MAYOR DILQUEZ:
Well, my wife asked for it.

I know most men enhance
in the other direction,

but she's quite shallow.

I was hoping for something in
the neighborhood of, uh, this.

SUMMERS: We can't do this.

PENTOS: That is exactly what
Flute would say.

But we are free of his
negativity now.

And what better way to celebrate
than by surgically enhancing

this teacup piggy into
a certified blue ribbon hog?

♪

KANG: So, what did you see
when Martinez kicked you?

Based on your screams,
I assume it was

something horrific, like Gaga
doing another jazz album.

FLUTE: Worse.
I saw an old Martinez

and she was married to me,
who was also old.

KANG: But that can't be.
I have you dying next year

- in the office death pool.
- FLUTE: So do I.

Plus, we despise each other.

Remember when she filled
all my socks with bees?

Or when she superglued
my toes together?

Or that time she catfished
me as Vince Vaughn?

KANG: She really had his voice down.

FLUTE: This doesn't make any sense.

KANG: Doesn't it? I mean, isn't
this how all love stories start?

"Much Ado About Nothing."
"Pride and Prejudice."

"10 Things I Hate About You."
"Tangled."

"She-Ra and the Princesses
of Power."

"You've Got Mail."
All airport books.

Fire Island. "When Harry Met Sally."

"Never Have I Ever."
"The Mindy Project."

- Every other Mindy Kaling project.
- FLUTE: Oh, God, what do I do?

KANG: As I've said all along,
you do nothing.

Accept your fate
and embrace your future.

FLUTE: That's it.
But the opposite.

I refuse my fate
and change my future.

All I got to do is
stay away from Martinez.

MARTINEZ: Flute!
[Flute screams]

When you're done icing down
your seed satchel,

we have to interview that
witness in the Bingo Bopper case.

Don't make me regret this
any more than I already do.

FLUTE: Oh, I'm gonna
make you regret this

very much more
than you already do.

Because I'm about to do the impossible:

stop a woman from falling
in love with me.

♪

SUMMERS: Hope that worked.
I was kind of just

making things up as we went along.

Wikihow's genital elective
surgery section was very lacking.

MAYOR DILQUEZ: Gentlemen,
what an amazing success!

I'm recommending you two
to all my friends.

You'll be rich.

♪

FLUTE: You know,
working a case together

is kind of like being married.

We're called partners.
We have each other's backs.

And you have to accept
my unbreakable habit

of making a little noise after I
take a sip of water.

[Sips] Ahh.

MARTINEZ: God,
you're more annoying

- than tipping on a to-go order.
- FLUTE: Ooh, how about a game?

Let's play "Fart, Dairy, Grill"
with our coworkers.

I'll go first. I'd fart on Kang,
milk Summers,

and grill a tomahawk steak
with Wynona.

MARTINEZ: What?
That's not a game.

FLUTE: Then what about this one?

Who can scream the loudest while
tickling the other person? Go!

Rawr rawr rawr!
[screeching tires]

FLUTE: [muffled] I win.

♪

You seem mad.
Are you mad?

MARTINEZ: Oh, I'm way beyond
mad. I'm done.

When we get back,
I'm transferring myself

so far away that the only
flute I'll hear is a distant

woodwind underscoring the
long-forgotten temple I'm exploring.

That's right.
I'm transferring

to the Lara Croft
Tomb Raider division.

FLUTE: Aww!
Now we'll never be able to mend

our fractured relationship.

[Thunder and lightning]

MARTINEZ: We gotta find cover!

♪

[Door creaks]

♪

FLUTE: "Dear Todd and Terry, enjoy
your honeymoon at our Airbnb."

MARTINEZ: "Dear Todd and Terry,
I'm drinking your wine

after the day I had
with this human buttock."

FLUTE: Hmm, not sure
that's a good idea,

but I do love alcohol
more than myself.

[Both laugh]

FLUTE: Wait, your 5 boys
are named Steven Tyler Martinez,

Joe Perry Martinez,
Tom Hamilton Martinez,

Joey Kramer Martinez,
and Brad Whitford Martinez?

MARTINEZ: What can I tell you?

My late husband and I
freaking loved Aerosmith.

FLUTE: So you have one child
named Joe and another named Joey?

MARTINEZ: Hey, I didn't form the band.
I just named my kids after them.

[Both laugh]

FLUTE: Wow. This really is
the worst evening

- I've ever spent with someone.
- MARTINEZ: Tell me about it.

To never doing this again.

[Glasses clink]
[Flute gulping]

FLUTE: I'll open another while
you take your big dump.

MARTINEZ: Oh, shut up!
I'm taking out my contacts.

FLUTE: Smart.
You look terrible in glasses.

MARTINEZ: My eyesight's fine.
I wear colored contacts.

- FLUTE: But your eyes are brown.
- MARTINEZ: I know.

That way nobody sees... this.

♪

Nobody takes me seriously
with these.

FLUTE: Your eye pools are so blue.

♪

But in a good, not
Alexandra Daddario way.

♪

MARTINEZ: I need to put this away.

FLUTE: This doesn't make any sense.

♪

[Gasps]
I'm gonna marry Martinez.

And when were we
in "La La Land"?

TODD: Aah!

TERRY: Do we have
any Greek yogurt?

TODD: I don't know.
Did you buy any Greek yogurt?

FLUTE: [in pain]
I want what you have.

♪

KANG: Flutinez, Marlute, Marvina?

What are these?
Depression medications?

Are you wearing lipstick?

FLUTE: Lip conditioner.
Mango Madness.

Martinez's favorite.
You were right, Kang.

Fighting my fate of marrying Martinez

is like my fight against illiteracy.
It's imporpasman.

KANG: So, now you're just
in love with her?

FLUTE: Why wait?
I need to get on with my density.

Den-denitsy. Destinity.
Dens... Desitin.

- KANG: I don't think this is illiteracy.
- MARTINEZ: Flute!

FLUTE: Martinez.
You look so pretty today.

Like a flower that makes
men horny in our hearts.

MARTINEZ: Uh, we got a lead
in the Bingo Bopper case.

- We're going undercover.
- FLUTE: Flutinez is on the case.

MARTINEZ: Just get your disguise
and meet us in the surveillance van.

FLUTE: I knew I should have
said Martute.

♪

MARTINEZ: Our informant says
the Bingo Bopper will strike here next.

FLUTE: Listen, I gotta
tell you something.

- MARTINEZ: No. We need to focus on the case.
- FLUTE: I think I love you.

VERA: Aren't you two a cute couple.

You must not be married.
[Giggles]

MARTINEZ: At work, I hated
this doofus.

But now we've been married
for 30 years,

maybe 10 more if
this guy's liver holds out.

Ha ha ha!

BOTH: But that'll take a miracle.

FLUTE: Oh, God. I can't believe
the mess I made.

VERA: We have wet wipes
if you need them.

MARTINEZ: What the hell is
wrong with you, outside of

all the things that are
normally wrong with you?

FLUTE: OK. When you kicked me,
my vision...

MARTINEZ: Ugh. I'm sick of
your stupid visions.

It's all in your head. Just
like your fear of fences

and your crime mind and
your belief in sewer goblins.

FLUTE: Can you explain
where our poops go?

And to think I even considered...
oh, forget it.

♪

Freeze, Bingo Bopper.

♪

Sometimes it takes a nutjob
to catch a nutjob.

- CHOIR: ♪ Oh... ♪
- MARTINEZ: Is that your thing? Bingo jokes?

- By all means, k*ll me.
- BINGO BOPPER: Uhh!

KANG: Oh, thank God you're alive.

We're still in the death pool.
Just live one more year, baby.

FLUTE: But Martinez won't.
She's gonna die.

- I just saw her get k*lled.
- KANG: What? Then we gotta stop it.

FLUTE: Uh, what happened to
everything happens for a reason?

KANG: Yeah, but it's up to us
to decide what the reason is.

And maybe the reason is to prove
you have everything you need.

Or that fate is what you make of it.

Or that the stereotype of
the wise old Asian man

isn't always true.
Although, having lived

through many centuries,
we usually are right.

So, what's it gonna be, Flute?
Why are we here?

- FLUTE: We have to save Martinez.
- KANG: Good,

because she hasn't paid
her share of the death pool yet.

♪

BINGO BOPPER: Sorry, but I-16
have to k*ll you.

O-64 well, so B-3 it.

MARTINEZ: God, is that
your thing? Bingo jokes?

- By all means, k*ll me.
- BINGO BOPPER: Unh!

♪
[in slow-mo] Nooo!

MARTINEZ: Somebody call a doctor!

OLDER MAN: Don't worry.
I know just the guys.

PENTOS: Now, what was
so damned important

we had to leave
that overhyped White Party?

SUMMERS: Yeah. I was about to
Lipa on Dua. Huh.

[Gasp] It's Flute!

NURSE MOMOA: Sorry, but we needed the
top genitalia surgeons in Grimsburg.

PENTOS: Our shenanigan is
crashing all around us.

The irony of it all
is that the very man

who could have stopped this
madness lays before us now,

needing the very thing
we cannot provide.

SUMMERS: No! Ever heard the term
fake until you make it?

Well, we're gonna make it,
right now, for Flute.

♪

PENTOS: What do we do?
Do we jolt it with paddles

or give it CPR?
Oh, boy, here goes nothing.

NURSE MOMOA:
What the hell are you doing?

- You aren't real junkologists, are you?
- PENTOS: No, we are not.

SUMMERS: We only came here to
pick up our friend post-surgery

and wound up gluing
empty tennis ball cans

onto insecure men and turned
it into a medical empire.

PENTOS: Certainly, you could see
how easily that could happen.

NURSE MOMOA: I think you two
should leave.

PENTOS: Well, yeah.

♪

MARTINEZ: They, uh,
couldn't save it. Again.

FLUTE: That's OK. I thought I
needed it to make me complete,

but maybe I already have
everything I need.

MARTINEZ: Um, you know,
back when you said you loved me,

- you were very convincing.
- FLUTE: Well, I'm an incredible actor.

MARTINEZ: Speaking of,
there's someone here

who wanted to say hello.
Hold on.

FLUTE: It better not be Stan.
No way! Vince Vaughn?

MARTINEZ: [as Vaughn]
There's my beautiful baby boy.

How are you feeling?
Feeling good?

You're looking good.
Smelling good, too.

Why? Because daddy slid
the nurse a fiver

to keep your bedpan neat, OK?
[Laughs]

Listen, I'd love to sit around
and chop it up with you,

but Fav's is double-parked
outside on our way to Vegas, baby.

- Lock it up.
- FLUTE: You lock it up.

MARTINEZ: No, you lock it up.
[Laughs]

FLUTE: Wow. I finally met
Vince Vaughn.

I guess things really do
happen for a reason.

♪

SUMMERS: Well, Flute, you're
back to having one testicle.

PENTOS: But now you have
two best friends. Ha ha ha!

FLUTE: Even through
the very strong drugs,

you guys are so annoying.

♪

MAN:
♪ Look over your shoulder, yeah ♪

♪ Look over your shoulder now ♪

♪ Look over your shoulder ♪

♪ Wait, there's a wall
in front of you ♪

WOMAN: Wait, seriously,
there's a wall. Hey, stop.

Stop! Stop looking
over your shoulder.

You're gonna hit... oh, my God.