12x03 - I'm a Degen

[bunniefuu]

♪

You and your sister and
your pal were talkin'

about boatin' the other day.

Did yous guys hears McMurrays gots a
rich uncles who's gots himselfs a yachts?

- Go on.
- McMurray says he docks it down

Marcos Islands, Floridas.

That's by the Everglades.

And he says he yachts it down
'Minicans couple times a years.

I'd love to go
yachtin' down 'Minican.

f*ck' I'd rather go
boatin' down Everglades.

- Oh would you, Wayne?
- I'd take peddle boatin'

over the pair.
- Last I checked, you'd rather

not go boatin' at all.
- Yeah, I hate boatin'.

Doesn't floats your boats, ehs?

That ship has sailed.

Not tryin' to make
waves here but like...

What you gots against boatins'?

There's always a d*ck on a boat.

- Oh yeah.
- And then, you're just hooped.

- Well, maybe you're the d*ck?
- Might could be.

- Or you mightn't.
- You mightn'ts.

But might could be.

So I put it to the test.

- You what?
- I went solo boatin', Katy.

- You went boatin'?
- Oh, I went boatin' all around.

Good for you, Waynes. Face
your problems bow ons.

Or take it up the stern.

There lies my very mission, Dan.

Find out if I'm the d*ck?

Or is it boaters...

Where'd you go boatin'?

Oh, I just borrowed Joint
Boy's lil tin can there.

A little outboard motor
out the back there.

Should've borrowed Tyson's
twin engine jet speed boats.

Do I look like the type of
prick to go speed boatin'?

- Crazier things have happened.
- Pete Nichol tossed me off

a tube out the back of one of
those c*ck suckers as a child.

Never recovered.
- First this guy says

he goes boatins', now
he says he goes tubins'.

This guy's fulls of surprises.

So I'm out in JB's boat there.

Boat a wee bit up lake there.

I take my shirt off.

- You whats!
- We've already established

the man's full of
surprises, Dan.

See 'cause I've got
the type of farmer tan

that might make a
person think like...

Well, there might be
something wrong with me.

People don't need to see the
farmer tan to think that, big bro.

So, Wayne is on a boats
with his shirts offs.

But you don't have any swim shorts.
What did you wear for bottoms?

I just rolled up my
jeans a wee bit there.

Oh, you went for
full Huck Finns.

So wait, you're solo,
on a boat, tarp off,

farmer tan flyin'...
- Full Huck Finns.

- That's exactly what I am.
- Why?

'Cause I'm the type of prick
who could boat by a fella

standin' out there, solo boatin'
tarp off, farmer tan flyin'...

- Full Huck Finns.
- And keep my opinions

to myself.
- Not one to rock the boat.

I'd mind my beeswax
and just boat right by.

But... WWBD?

What would boaters do?

What woulds boaters dos?

So... I see three boats

a wee bit up lake there.
Headin' down water towards me.

So I thought
this'll be the test.

So like if one of
them chirps you,

then there's always
a d*ck on the boat?

And if none of 'em do,
maybe I'm the d*ck.

Okay, so what did
the first one do?

Well, first boater comes
boatin' up starboard there.

Fella says, "Nice
day on the water."

I says, "Sure."

Then he says, "You ever
think about throwin' yourself

in there with a tan like that?"

- 0 for 1's.
- Okay. And the second?

Well, the next boater comes
boatin' up port side there.

Fella says, "Quite a look."

I says, "Sure."

Then he says, "Maybe
if you had any friends,

they'd tell you what a
ret*rd you look like."

[gasping]
- He didn't say it. Boaters did.

There's always a d*ck on a boat!

Well, no. There's a d*ck
on 2/3 of the boats so far.

Which is lookin'
good for your theory.

Not lookin' goods
for boaters thoughs.

Well, then the third boat
comes boatin' on up there.

We're bow to bow. Fella says,

"You're quite a sight
out here on the water.

Solo boatin', tarp off, farmer
tan flyin', full Huck Finn.

Takes guts. I applaud it."

I smells a late Ws
for the boaters.

- Wait for it.
- And then, he says,

"Ekspecially since
it's common knowledge

Huck Finn and that other fella

used to f*ck each
other up the a*s."



Gotcha, big brother.

I get why you
don't like boatin'.

There's always a d*ck on a boat.

[upbeat music]

- How'r ya now?
- Good'n yous?

- Not s'bad.
- Where you beens, good buddys?

- Nowhere.
- Oh yeah? How's the foods?

Looks like you got
yourself some new headwear?

Oh, it's a good hat.

Looks like a good
fire starter to me.

You can do a lot worse than
Mennonite lands, good buddys.

You think you'd
ever move out there?

Why do you smell
like campfire smoke?

- Where's Wayne and Katy?
- Wayne's chorin'

and Katy's waiting for
A Shots In The Farms.

- A what?
- A Shots In The Farms.

- You tryna be clever?
- No.

It's an agriculturals magazines.

They're coming outs do to a
photo spreads on the propertys.

What's so special
about the property?

It's the oldest working
farm in Letterkenny.

Might could be the oldest
working farm in the county.

But that's splitting hairs.

I was told you were
hanging with degens.

- And what did you say?
- I said you must be mistaken.

Dary wouldn't hang
out with degens.

Yeah. The ones I was hanging
out with weren't degens.

See, Dary wouldn't
hang out with degens.

But then they took me to a
place where there were degens.

You were hangin'
out with degens?

No, the ones I was hanging
out with weren't degens,

their friends were degens.
- Show me your friends

and I'll show you who you are.

So like, you were hangin'
out at the Mansion?

No, it's called the Palace now.

Last I heards, it was
called the Kingdoms.

The Lion's Den. These
are decent people.

Yeah, when they're not
puttin' out darts on dogs.

- They are.
- Yeah, when they're not getting

their third DUIs.
- These guys are different.

Yeah, when they're not grown men

picking up their girlfriends
from high school.

I told you, the ones that
I was hanging out with

weren't degens, it
was their friends

that were degens.
- And what did I tell you?

I've got more in common with
them than I do with yous.

The f*ck's gotten into you?

They don't make
fun of how I dress,

they don't make
fun of how I smell.

And they think I'm
pretty funny too!

- Oh, Dary...
- And cool!

[scoffs]

Who thinks you're cool?

- Wayne...
- Mick.

And his sister thinks I'm
pretty funny too. And cool.

Is that the dude that wouldn't
apologize to Rosie at the bar?

- Yeah. Mick.
- You're hangin' out

with that dude?
- Yeah. Mickey Gibraltar.

[birds chirping]

Well, you're a degen now, Dary.

Why don't you run inside and
farmer spit on the carpet?

- Wayne.
- They show you how to take out

a dart and throw in a dip yet?
- Wayne.

Bet you never had so much fun

as puttin' a cat
in the dryer, eh?

Wayne!

[spitting]

Gail. Six o'clock.

Yours or mine?

- Mine.
- Check it out.

- No one's there.
- Check again.

- Still no one's there.
- Six o'clock!

Yous have beers before
you got here or something?

Directly to my
left. Six o'clock.

- That's nine o'clock.
- That's six.

- That's nine.
- So, six and nine?

Is there a 69 joke
coming or something?

- Nuh-uh.
- 'Cause 69s are no joke.

I once took the top position

and nearly got caught in a
manslaughter charge for asphyxiation.

We know 69s are no joke.

Yeah, not when it's with
six nines at our six.

[indistinct chatter]

You mean, six
nines at your nine.

Hmm, now there's a
nine at your six.

- Huh?
- Behind you.

- Ah.
- Ah. Soft nine.

You're a combined soft nine.

- Yeah, well you're a...
- Degen?

- Not at first glance, no.
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's not how I
would evaluate you either.

Yeah, you're just a bit
too snipey to be a degen.

- Just a bit!
- Mm-hmm.

[chuckling]

We're all degens.

[clearing throat] [whistling]

- Yous ready?
- You've got room

for all of us, right?

That's a Texas size 10-4.

You are the company you keep.

[door opening]

[door closing]
- Yo.

Did Daryl just leave
with a bunch of degens?

I don't know. Some of
them seemed okay to me.

Yeah, when they're not eating
pizza pops with a box cutter.

A couple seemed okay to me too.

Yeah, when they're not
stomping their feet at birds.

- Kinda snipey.
- Yeah, when they're not hanging

bedsheets over their windows.

Didn't think they
were snipey at all?

They're f*ck
degens, dumb sh*t.

I'm disappointed in yous.

Did you see the one who had her
pants all up in her snapper?

Yeah.

[rock music]

- A Shot In The Farm?
- Yes.

And that will never
not be embarrassing.

- Have a seat. I'm Katy.
- Lily.

I'm just gonna be
upfront, woman.

As somewhat of a
master in this space,

that is an incredible tan.

No one looks smart
with a sunburn.

No one looks smart
with a sunburn.

- I just got back from Mexico.
- I just got back from Mexico.

Is that your natural colour
or did the sun do that?

There's nothing like some tropical
rays to give you that hint of lemon.

Little lime juice
for the margarita.

Little lemon juice for the hair.

I love margaritas.

What else do we have in common?

I wish it was our tans.

- I wish it was our boobs.
- You know,

I've kinda been thinking about
Mexico a lot since I left.

Would you think
about moving there?

- I mean...
- 'Cause I've thunk about it.

'Cause like, if we were
in Mexico right now,

we'd be having a margarita.
- I might even be having

my second margarita.
- Do you wanna have

a margarita right now?
- I don't know.

Do you wanna have a
margarita right now?

Let's have a margarita.

Did you meet any
dudes down there?

- Yeah. Jose Cuervo. You?
- Don Julio.

Where do you think
morality comes from?

In what context, Ben?

{\an8}Without a set of rules from
a Judeo-Christian handbook,

{\an8}wouldn't we all just be out here
k*lling and raping each other?

Mm-hmm, yes.

When Jesus walked with
Judas and the Jews,

the Judeo Jesuits
judged Judy. Justly.

It really was counter-productive
to counter-culture

at an over-the-counter discount.

{\an8}But it shaped civilizations.

While being a sort of
Machiavellian ear-marked,

after-market, Marky Mark
and the Marxist bunch.

{\an8}You can't say that the
Judeo Jesuits judged Judy...

I said judged Judy justly.

Don't put words in my mouth.

{\an8}But you can't say that
without first acknowledging

{\an8}that Galileo was originally
sponsored by the church

{\an8}and so was Copernicus.
- But ideally,

that sort of ideology
deters idiocy

and eliminates idyllic ideas

ideologically and
idiosyncratically.

We can't forget that
Copernicus was a Capricorn

and coincidentally
a Cancer, can we?

Confucius say...
Colin Kaepernick.

{\an8}It's always a pleasure
talking to you, gentlemen.

- Thank you, Ben.
- Be well, Ben.

{\an8}Be well.

[groaning]

- Stewart?
- What are we doing?

It was your idea.

Debating right-wing
intellectuals on the internet?

Yeah. Well, debating
right-wing intellectuals

on the internet...
with snooters.

Has it really come to this?

Have we really done every
fun thing there is to do

while doing snooters?

Have we exhausted snooters?

Well, there's no breaking
snooters, Stewart.

It goes against the very
chemistry of snooters!

The alchemy!
- We need a rips revelation!

That usually comes with
doing more rips, Stewart.

To reignite our
love of snooters,

we have to surround ourselves
with other lovers of snooters.

Here I am.

We have to be
snooters recruiters.

Snooters trouble shooters.

Here I am.

Tutors of snooters!

Snooters rebooters!

[both]: Where do we go?

Au contraire, Connor, Darien.

The party is always here.

Why take it elsewhere?

[chuckling]
- Are we doing it, Stewart?

Are we finally
doing it, Stewart?

Don't tease me, Stewart.

Don't tease me, Stewart.

We're doing it,
Roald. [moaning]

The after hours club
Letterkenny has never asked for,

but the one she shall get.

[gasping]
- What's our angle, Stewart?

- Sex sells.
- We'll sell sex.

- We'll sell sexy.
- We'll sell sexual.

We will have the sexiest,
most sexual sexualities.

And we shall!

[both]: Like Hooters.

Like... Hooters?

Precisely, Roald.

Like Hooters...

But Snooters.

[phone ringing]

- How'r ya now?
- Squint Eastwood.

- Rosie and the Pussycats.
- Say it ain't so.

That I shall not say.

Dary's hanging out with degens?

Well, it's never so bad,
it couldn't be worse.

Could be the Ginger and Boots.

Point and proof.
He'll come around.

- What's gotten into him?
- Well, I'm told there's like...

a charming one.
- A charming degen?

- That's what I'm told.
- So like,

microwaves frogs, but charming?

- Can confirm.
- So like, saves and then drinks

the water he boils his
hot dogs in but charming?

It's a Texas size 10-4.

So like, wears the
same boxers for a week,

and then just flips them inside
out the next week but charming?

- Over and out.
- I'm good'n you?

- Not s'bad.
- That charming degen

must be good-lookin'.
- I'm also told

he's got a sister
that's good-lookin'.

- Seen her?
- Yeah, I seen her.

Do you think she's good-lookin'?

I can understand why others do.

I've missed it out here.

Vancouver Island is gorgeous.

Well, who doesn't
love those mountains.

- Who doesn't love that ocean.
- Good place to go boatin'.

- Great place to go fishin'.
- Great fishin' out west.

Would you think of moving here?

Gotcha.

Why, would you think
about moving there?

I just wonder how important
being the toughest guy

in Letterkenny needs
to be to you anymore.

I've had this
conversation before.

It's fine if it is.

I just wonder.

Maybe it isn't.

And hey, if you came out here,

you'd get to meet
this sh*t head.

Oh! Who is that?

- Tank.
- Oh, he's a boh.

- You better believe he's a boh.
- Oh, he is such a boh.

[laughing]

[dog whining]
- Get outta here,

you dumb sh*t! f*ck!

How would you describe
yourself in three words, Daryl?

Hey. That's a really
good question.

I didn't expect that
coming from you.

- And what were you expecting?
- A dumb broad.

Kind of like your
friend over there.

Actually, her a little
more so than you.

And whoa, yeah, that
one's real dumb lookin'.

So if I was to describe
myself in three words,

probably be: Loves-to-rip.

Enthralling. And what
about you, Daryl?

Wait, can I use
hyphenated words?

Of course! You're special.

Probably air-bass,

air-drums, air-guitar.
- Air-head.

[laughing]

You like that one, eh,
Daryl? Oh... Look at me.

I can even make the
funny guy laugh.

Okay, okay. How about this
one? How about this one?

Let's. All. Bang.

[laughing]

And what about you, Daryl?

Well, funny, for sure.

Well, cute, for sure.

So what's the third?
- Degen.

Isn't that right, Daryl?

You're a degen now?

Of course he is.

But the third word is cool.

My sweetie is funny,
cute and cool.

[scoffs]

Get up.

He's the funniest, cutest,
coolest degen here.

Then say it, Daryl.

He's a degen, you
f*ck' degens.

No need to beat a sleeping dog.

I think it's let sleeping
dogs die, Harley.

- No, it isn't.
- She means,

don't kick a dead dog
when while it's down.

No, what you're trying to say
is, don't kick spilt milk.

Is it that big a deal? Jesus.

No need to cry over a
dead horse, eh, Daryl?

[chuckling]
- Say you're a degen.

Aren't you full of
piss and given'r!

Don't you got
bigger fish to try?

Squeaky wheel gets the worm.

There ain't a snowball's

show and tell
he'll say it, Mick.

Hey, listen. Not my
pig, not my business.

You want to hear it straight
from the horse's mouth?

- What horse?
- You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make him drink.

I ain't see no horse.

But the rat's out
of the bag, Daryl!

This is the Lion's Den.

Degens only.

If you're a degen, say it.

Hey. Just... say it, Daryl.

Yeah. Just say it.

I'm a degen.

[laughing]

Now say it for the camera.

[dog barking]

Come on, Daryl. Just say it.

Don't you wanna eat your
cake and have it too?

- I'm a degen.
- Louder.

- I'm a degen.
- Louder!

I'm a degen!

Even louder!

I'm a degen!

[cheering]

He who laughs last,
laughs proudest.

Turns out you can
lead wh*res to water.

- Very nice.
- Mm-hmm.

- I like what I see.
- Gracias.

And the piece de resistance.

Wow. I am a fan of your work.

And I am a fan of yours.

Top-notch margarita, woman.

Do you need anything
else before you go?

- Not a thing.
- Oh no. So you're all done?

- In more ways than one.
- But this was so much fun.

- Bit too much, hun.
- What do you mean?

I can't drive home.
Had one too many...

[both]: Shots in
the farm! Eh-oh!

[laughing]
- Sorry about that.

Don't be sorry. Mexico
taught you well.

Yeah, 'cause it's like,
they don't advertise them

as three-ounce margaritas...
[both]: They just are.

- Best kind.
- Only kind.

So wait. If you can't
go back to the city...

- Isn't it a pity.
- Then the fun has just begun.

I'm too hammered to rhyme begun.

No, this is perfect. I
showed you a day on the farm.

Working title: Margaritaville.

And now, I get to show
you a night on the town.

- Title to be determined.
- Let's get pretty.

We're going to MoDean's.

Will I meet any
dudes down there?

If you're looking
for a John Deere.

I am.

Let me introduce you
to Gus'n Bru first.

[indistinct chatter]

[metal music playing]

- Lady, Gail.
- M'lady.

- Sup.
- I know I'm not the first

to think it tonight nor do I
hope I'm the first to say it...

You look ravishing.

When I saw you across
the bar, there occurred

an uncharacteristic
reaction in my pants.

I said, what's happening to me?

He didn't know what
was happening to him.

I said, what's this
happening to me?

He didn't know
what was happening.

What was happening?

The sight of a woman

had made me excitable.
- A full stimulus package.

- I'd become h*m* erectus.
- What do you want?

This proprietor-patron
partnership

has been far-reaching
and fruitful.

You gonna pay your bar tab?

Oh. You are this
establishments forewoman.

- Legatee.
- Manageress.

- Honcho.
- And we are merely

your vendees...
- Frequenters.

- Devotees.
- Walk-ins.

But in the best moments
of this capacity,

I believe it is understood that
both sides have been benefactors.

- K.
- So for the sake

of equal substitution...
- Reciprocity.

- Tit-for-tatting.
- Quid pro quo.

May we hang these where
your taverners take tinkles?

Snooters after hours club?

Very sexy. Very sexual.

Like Hooters.
- But Snooters.

You want me to advertise my
competition inside my own bar?

False! We are not
your competition.

Quite the contrary.

When do we open?
- When you close.

We don't even serve
booze. We serve...

Rips.

- Incorporate the name.
- Sorry, Stewart.

Snooters.
- K.

Green light?

If you pay your bar tab.

- How much is it?
- You know I don't mention it

til it's over 200.

- 200?!
- 200?!

- 200 dollars?
- Dollars?

- I'm not gonna get 200 dollars!
- Oh, man!

Oh, no! Look what
you've done to us!

You've ruined everything

before it started!
- Oh man!

[phone ringing]

DJ Jazzy Jeff and
the Fresh Squints.

Ring around the Rosie.

- How'r ya now?
- Good'n you?

Not s'bad.

I'm gonna bounce
something off you.

Pitter-patter.

Whenever it's time

to come out here, I can't wait.

I'm so excited.

And now, again, it's
time to come home and...

I'm not excited.

I don't know. I just, like, don't
really know if I wanna go back.

[cheering]

It's a bad night to lose AC.

It's about to get dank in here.

In a half hour, it's
gonna smell like dudes.

[thudding] [Stewart]:
How unfortunate.

[Roald]: How unfortunate!
[Stewart]: How unfortunate.

- How unfortunate!
- How unfortunate!

But you are in luck!

Letterkenny's first and only,
only after hours club is now open!

[Katy]: After hours?
- Yeah! It's like Hooters...

But snooters.



Come one! Come all!

What's on the menu, BroDude...

Water and...
- Rips!

- Incorporate the name.
- Sorry.

Snooters!

[Stewart and Roald]:
Sex, sex, sex, sexuality,

sexual orientation, consent.

Well, I'll talk to ya.

I'll talk to ya.

John Deere.

Is that your name?

No.

Why'd you turn around?

- We're outta here.
- Por qué?

It's starting to smell
like dudes in there.

It's not even late.

Look, I promised you
a night on the town

and I shall deliver.
- That's the spirit.

Where we going?
- The after hours club.

- The what?
- Are you coming?

Yeah, you.

- I see you two have met.
- Kinda.

He hasn't introduced
himself yet.

- This is my brother.
- Oh?

- Wayne.
- Oh...

You hammered?

No, you hammered?

- We're hammered.
- You're driving.

[♪ f*ck My Nose Up ♪ by HVDES]

♪ Black shades In the
back of the club ♪

♪ Disassociate
f*ck my nose up ♪

♪ Black shades In the
back of the club ♪

♪ Disassociate
f*ck my nose up ♪

♪ Black shades ♪

♪ Black shades ♪

♪ Black shades ♪

♪ Black shades... ♪

♪ f*ck my nose up ♪

[♪]