12x04 - Snooters

[bunniefuu]

♪

You and your other pals
were talking about trucks

the other day...

Just buy it, Jivin.

I ain't buyin' sh*t,
you dumb mother f*ck.

'94 Dodge Ram.

I don't care if it's
an Aston Martin.

You can kiss my Aston Martin.

This is a 1500-dollar truck,

and I'm gonna sell it
to you for one-thousand.

I ain't buyin' sh*t,
you dumb mother f*ck.

Dodge Ram was Motor Trend's
Truck of the Year in '94.

Motor Trend's Truck of
the Year, 40 years ago.

I ain't buyin' your




I for sure ain't
buyin' 30 of 'em!

- No, it's 30 years old, not 40.
- Is it only 30?

I'dd add that up again, Dary.

No, 30 years old, not 40.

Okay, I'm gonna trust
you on this one, fella,

but I'm pretty sure that it's...

Ten more good years on that gal?

And you're saying it won Motor
Trend's Truck of the Year?

And that's not
debatable. That's fact.

Not like all these numbers
that keep adding up different

every time.
- Is that right?

Did it win any other awards?
- Of course it did.

Right, Daryl?
- Well, all time,

the Ram's won a bunch of awards,
but in '94, I don't know.

It won Car and Truck Magazine's
Car or Truck of the Year.

- It did?
- You didn't know that?

- I did not.
- Then you probably didn't know

that it won Truck and Auto Car's
Passenger Trend of the Year.

- Passenger Trend?
- What a year for the Ram!

The same year, it won Outdoor Truck
Magazine's Sport Trend of the Summer.

- Outdoor Truck?
- Outdoor Truck Magazine's

Sporting Trend of
the Summer, Daryl.

Holy cannoli, right?
- Now lemme get this straight.

I want to make sure I know
what I'm payin' for here.

This truck you wanna deal

for a thousand bucks?
- It's a 2000-dollar truck,

I'm gonna give to you 1500.

It won Motor Trend's
Truck of the Year?

That's Car and Truck Magazine's
Car or Truck of the Year,

and Truck and Auto Car's
Passenger Trend of the Year.

And there was one
more, eh, Mick?

Yeah. Wasn't there, Daryl?

Outdoor Truck Magazine's
Sporting Trend of the Summer.

- Atta babe.
- All that for 1500?

It's a 2500-dollar truck,

for you, I'll give
it to you 1750.

Ah. That's a good
amount of awards,

but... I'd feel better if
it won one or two more.

- You want one or two more?
- I'd feel better

if it won one or two more, yeah.
- Well, Daryl, didn't you just

tell me it won Truck and
Trends Motor Drive of the Year?

Yeah! Inboard Motor Car's
Auto Trend of the Summer too.

All in the very same year, eh?

Can't forget Vehicle
and Drive Magazine's

Outdoor Car of the Truck.
- I figured it won that one.

Didn't it win Trending Truck's
Best Passenger Drive too?

Hot damn, what a
tally! [laughing]

Driving Sport Magazine's
Trending Auto Motor, definitely.

- Swept the season.
- Just beat out the Silverado

for Auto Truck's Sporting Trend.
- I heard those Silverado guys

were good and
pissed on that one.

Just squeaked by the F150

for Car and Sport's
Trending Motor Truck.

Why do you think I
didn't buy that one?

- Because you're a smart man.
- Eh.

Looky-looky.

All that for 1750?

Listen, it's a


but for you, I'll give
it to you for two grand.

Deal.

Ha-ha!

Your pal tried to sell you
his old boat right after,

but as your d'yad
likes to say...

If you can float it, fly
it, or f*ck it... rent it.

[theme music]

[electronic music]

- Wayne.
- Who's that?

- Tyson.
- And Bonnie.

Isn't it smokey in here?

I think they have two
smoke machines going.

I'd believe they had 22
smoke machines going.

- Isn't it smokey.
- Come dance!

How are yous even getting
place to place in here?

The only reason I
found this chair

is 'cause I walked my
nuts into the arm of it.

- Hey, Katy-Kat.
- Sup snipee's?

Not tonight, gents.
Way too hot in here

to have you pushing your
horns up against our backs.

[chuckling]
- Come on, for old time's sake?

Don't even bother with her.
We're moving to Mexico!

- Okay.
- Okay.

You know I've fought
this guy three times?

- Was there a third?
- You wouldn't remember

the first 'cause I knocked you out.
- With a sucker.

Which you returned
in the second fight.

Okay, now I remember the third.

That was also kind of a sucker.

- Him or you, bud.
- Holy f*ck.

I'm tired just
thinking about it.

Yeah, I guess you get
to a certain point

in life where you're not
in such a hurry to stand up

when someone walks into a bar
asking who's the toughest guy here.

Let's dance. It's too
hot to just stand here.

That doesn't make sense.

Hey. Where's John Deere?

Oh, sh*t.

f*ck. Is that you, boo?

How'd you know?

Cuz I just kicked a
steel toe, dickhead.

- Uh-oh.
- Toughest boots in Letterkenny.

It's f*ck smokey in here, eh?

It is too smokey in here.

Isn't it smokey.

You're really serious

about Mexico, aren't you.
- Why wouldn't I be?

Aren't you?
- I don't know.

You're in a place like this
after being in a place like that.

You don't ever feel stuck?

Yo, I stopped at a Mennonite
produce stand today

and the ash from my dart
dropped onto a hay bale

and almost lit that f*ck up.

- That could have been barleh.
- Then I got deja vu.

Well, that's a
glitch in the matrix.

Yeah. Like I've
seen this before.

I'm pretty sure you have.

Exactly!

The time I burned down
your produce stand.

[laughing]
- Oh yeah.

f*ck, we were out of
our minds then, eh?

Yeah, you were pretty outta
your mind then, Tanis.

Yeah. And then, the
big brawl after?

Whoa, baby.

No good deed left unpunished.

I don't see that sort of
thing going down anymore.

What, like, 'cause
we're all pals?

No, I just can't see myself
caring about something enough

to do like... a arson.

Well, sure, it's a bit extreme.

Or the brawl after.

Well, could be worse
things than a scrap.

[laughing]
- Like as if I did a arson...

Which we've established
was a bit extreme.

Yeah. And then I rounded up
every tough dude on the Rez

'cause I was like,
"f*ck you, fight me!"

You are a rare breed, Tanis.

Yeah. Your girl had
some energy, f*ck.

- f*ck.
- f*ck, eh?

- Holy f*ck.
- Well, I guess I learned

you know, you don't try that sh*t with
the toughest guy in Letterkenny, huh.

- Do you wanna know what?
- Hmm?

Given the chance again,
I think I'd make more

of an effort for things
to simmer a wee bit,

so it doesn't get
to like... a arson.

Yeah.

I guess you get to a
certain point in your life

where you're just like, not in such a
hurry to brawl with a bunch of Indians.

Anyways. Later, boo.

f*ck. Tuck in those
steel toes, d*ck head.

You could k*ll a man.

[both]: Mexico?

- Mexico?
- f*ck Mexico.

Columbia is like right there!
- Superior snooters.

[breathing heavily]

[exclaiming]

Hey, my editor already hit
me back about the photos.

- Love 'em?
- They're lovable.

- Love it.
- She wants me to sh**t

the rest of Letterkenny
on my way out tomorrow.

Just have an eye
for Canada Gooses.

Mm.

Wayne?

- McMurray?
- Wayne!

I can hear you, but
I can't see you.

It's like getting
f*cked from behind!

- Isn't it smokey in here?
- Smokey as a c*ck sucker.

- Isn't it smokey!
- Speak again, Wayne.

I'll follow your voice. Wayne!

Marco.

- Found him.
- Polo.

- You sure?
- Well, either I've got

two hands around his
bicep or d*ck skin's horn.

- Wayne, how'r ya now?
- Good'n you?

- Not s'bad.
- Holy f*ck, McMurray!

I think we finally stuck the
landing on that greeting.

I'm really proud.
- I can't believe...

[overlapping chatter]
- Now, you're talking over me.

[overlapping chatter]
- McMurray!

[clears throat]
- Well, Gail and I were

just talking about what
a good guy you are.

He's a real good guy.

- He's a great guy!
- Thank you.

- Yeah. And you know why?
- Mm-hmm.

You're a good brother.

Yeah. You're a
real good brother.

- You're a real great brother.
- Well, it's good to be great.

Yeah, like remember that time Jivin was
honking and hollering at Katy in the street?

- f*ck' degen.
- You held him down

on the ground in the dead
of winter til he apologized.

Well, Katy's hoofed a box or
two in my defense as well.

Yeah. But going after
Dierks takes the cake.

- f*ck' yank.
- You got pertnear

everyone in the whole
town to defend her!

Wanna know what? It's lucky
we all had the day off.

- Day beers day.
- You're right, Wayne.

Tough to pencil in
a day off anymore.

We got so much chorin'.

We're all gettin' pretty
busy, big fella...

- Got so much chores.
- And the price of gas.

- Can't forget the price of gas.
- Pricy as a c*ck sucker.

They'll pull your
pants right down.

He'd have to meet us half
way with the price of gas!

Yup. I guess you get to
a certain point in life

where you're not in such a
hurry to drive to Michigan

to beat the sh*t out of some
dude who f*cked with your sister.

Hey, cowboy, speaking of
which... who's her cute friend?

[sighing]
- I'm toast.

I say night cap.

And I say goodnight!

What about you, John Deere?

Have a beer?

- You want a beer?
- Got a beer?

- Yeah, I got a beer.
- Let's have a beer.

I'd have a beer.

[bottles clattering]

Why are you way over
on the other side?

See if the grass is greener.

What if you sat over here?

We may never know.

Tell me about you, John Deere.

Lotta green, bitta yellow.

Got a girlfriend?

- Yes.
- Yes?

Yes.

On the rocks then. Same.

- Well, there ya go.
- What's the problem?

Shouldn't air your
dirty laundry.

- We're just talking.
- Shouldn't tell tales

out of school.
- Where is she now?

- Vancouver.
- Oh my goodness.

Have you ever been out there?
- No.

You won't want to come back.

Oh.

Mexico is my Vancouver.

Wanna know why me and
my guy are on the rocks?

Shouldn't air your
dirty laundry.

- He's stuck.
- Shouldn't tell tales

out of school.
- I love our town

and I love our life
there, but every year,

we go to Mexico with my family
and every year I can't wait.

I'm so excited, you know?
- Yeah. I think I know.

But when it's time to come
home, I'm not excited, you know?

Yes, I know.

I've asked him to
move down there,

but he can't picture it.

He's stuck.

Well...

Life's short, gotta live it.

Exactly.

Ever heard of the three L's?

Live, laugh, love?

Leave life lived.

Let's not tell anyone
I ended up over here

looking at you like this, k?

Well, you shouldn't
air your dirty laundry.

Yeah, we don't need
to tell anyone, right?

You shouldn't tell
tales out of school.

Thanks for the beer.

- You're welcome.
- Night, John Deere!

[rock music]

I didn't sleep at
all last night, boys.

I didn't sleep at
all last night.

I didn't sleep either, boys.

Yeah, I didn't sleep
at all. [laughing]

- Why didn't you sleep?
- Too many BroDude's. You?

- It's like Hooters but...
- Snooters.

Too many BroDude's plus Katy-Kat
moving to Mexico equals no sleep ferda.

Katy's moving to Mexico?

That is disappointing.
- I'm disappointed, Stewart.

- That is so disappointing.
- I know.

Cuz like... Columbia
is right there!

Superior snooters.

I really don't want
her to go, boys.

Then tell her that!

p*ssy.
- Huh?

She said tell her that, p*ssy.

Unless degen girls
are still your thing.

No.

Why don't you want
her to go, anyways?

Mexico's f*ck' rad.

Listen... we go way
back with Katy-Kat.

We've had our W's.
We've taken our L's.

We've worked through
a ton of adversity.

Oh yeah, you play
in all three zones?

We accepted a long time
ago that she doesn't want

anything to do with
the boys anymore.

- Who?
- Us.

The boys.
- Huh?

But, boys... there's just
something about that girl.

- The t*ts?
- Oh, for sure the t*ts!

Unreal t*ts!
- Divine!

I could drop an ounce of
pre just thinking about'em.

But no, that's not it.

The a*s. [exclaiming]

Unreal a*s. Stupid.

- Celestial.
- Stewart.

I rear-ended a Miata

day-dreaming about it one time.

But that's not it either, boys.

There's something else.
- She's special, boys.

Well then, make
her feel special.

- What?
- What?

- How?
- What, do I look like

the f*ck' oracle?
- She's not your mom, p*ssy.

What does Katy like?

- What?
- What?

Get off your a*s and
figure it the f*ck out.

Make a girl feel special,
she's yours forever.

- Really?
- She might f*ck some other guys

here and there...
- Yeah, she might f*ck

some other guys here or there.
- But basically, yeah.

We can help! We've
got lots of energy.

Yeah. Let us help.
We're not tired at all!

I don't need to sleep at all.

[laughing]
- Sick, buddy.

I love that woman.

And I do deduce it
is just as cogent

that Katy fall again for me as
it is that she fall for you.

Nah.

[both]: Thanks, Tanis.

Cool.

Now go get me a beer, b*tches.

[rock music playing]

[music stops]

How'r ya now?

And you?

Look, you don't talk a lot,

but it looks like
you got lots to say.

We're not that different, eh?

We all come from good,
hard-working, Canadian stock.

My new pal Daryl,
he's a good guy.

- He's a really good guy.
- He's a great guy.

What have you got against me
at the end of the day? Huh?

Yes, I got a little bit drunk

and bumped into your
sweetie, super chief.

But what's with the hostility?

You're a degen.

I'm not a degen. I'm
just friends with 'em.

Show me your friends and
I'll show you who you are.

You know, I knew
Daryl was a gopher.

He'd go for this,
and he'd go for that.

Must've been a reason
he'd go for us now.

Must've been missing something
when he'd go for yous.

Like a family?

If you're gonna go
so low as that...

suck my d*ck while
you're down there.

Dary's flyin' a wee bit too
close to the sun right now.

Chasing skirt.
- My sister's name is...

I don't give a f*ck.

But yous are degens.

- I'm just friends with them.
- Show me your friends

and I'll show you who you are.

Dary's walking pretty
tall right now,

but it's only a matter of
time before you show him

who you are. And
if he gets hurt

trying to catch a falling
knife out there with yous...

That dog will hunt.

Get that f*cking
mutt out of here

before I give it the size nines.

[indistinct chatter]

- What is wrong with you?
- What's wrong with me?

What's wrong with you?

- With me?!
- Yeah.

- I don't know.
- Your old friends, that's what.

Don't think I have
any old friends.

- Wayne and Katy.
- Yeah, but they're still

pretty young though.
- It's not what I meant.

I meant...
- Oh, now I see what that is.

- Like, from the past.
- Right.

- So, not literally old.
- Like we're your new friends.

And they're your old...
- From before.

- So not literally old.
- Not in age.

- Yeah.
- No.

I still think I
wouldn't call them

my old friends considering...
- Well, they ganged up on me

at the gas station.
- What?

- Yeah. And assaulted me.
- What?

Verbally. And you know what,
I'll tell you one thing

for free, Chuck... if
I hear either of them

speakin' my name around town,

oh, there's gonna
be a predictament.

- Speakin' your name?
- Yeah, you know,

like when rap guys
are beefin' and stuff.

Put some respect on my name!

Don't speak it unless
you're gonna put

some respect on it.
- On what?

Put some respect on his name.

It's not as if
it's... Cheez-Wiz.

Put some respect
on it or pull up.

- Pull up?
- Cash me outside.

How 'bout dah?
- What do you mean pull up?

Pull up!

What are you strapping on about?

It's not as if it's his file.

It's Saturday night,
mother f*ck.

- Is it really?
- Yeah.

I thought it was Friday.

- Pull a straw.
- What fer?

[chuckling]

[laughing]
- That's a little short, Daryl!

Ha! It's shorter than yours,
that's for sure, Mick.

Mine too. I'm gonna go
deal out the rest of these.

Buckle up, Daryl. Ha!
Who hasn't picked yet?

[indistinct chatter]

What are the straws for?

It's a little game we
play on Saturday nights

called Run'n g*n.

You're gonna love it.

The person who draws the
longest straw... gets the g*n.

The guy who draws the
shortest straw gets to run.

f*ck!

f*ck, f*ck, f*ck...

Aw, f*ck!

[g*n c*ck]

Let's have some fun.

[music in Spanish]

Reilly?

Jonesy?

Over here Katy-Kat!

[rhythmic music]

What are yous doing?

Just spicing up these carnitas

then I was moving
on to carne asada.

Spicy Margaritas ferda.

Three ounces. Just
the way you like 'em.

I'm gonna need to
f*ck a matador rapido.

Why Mexico? Columbia
is like right there.

What do you mean, why Mexico?

I don't know. We just
wanted to like, show you

that whatever you
can do in Mexico,

you can also do it
like, right here.

Sunshine, tacos, tequila.

Look at this beautiful beach!

It's basically an all-exclusive.

We don't have an Iguana, but I
could Nair a squirrel for you.

Can I get some of that Nair
before the squirrel uses it?

This is kinda
f*ck sweet, boys.

Well, we wanted to
make you feel special.

But I'm not moving to Mexico.

No?

I'm just flirting with the idea.

Columbia is like right there.

- Superior snooters.
- But... why?

I think I'm just
feeling a bit stuck.

Is your f*cking phone broke?

Depends who's callin'.

- Me.
- Then she's broke.

You one of 'em too, bud?

- One of what?
- It's one of who.

'Cause if you is,
you ain't welcome.

Are yous rehearsing a
play here or something?

You ain't seen it yet,
have you, big hoss?

- Seen what?
- It's seen who.

{\an8}I'm a degen!
[cheering, laughing]

- They made him do it.
- Don't matter. He done it.

I need yous to come help
me pull him out of there.

I hate degens. Always have.

- Third generation.
- Fourth.

Well, you're preachin'
to the choir, bud.

f*ck degens, Wayne.

And if Dary's a degen...
then f*ck him too.

[soft rock music]

Alistair Orson Westwood
Yates pulled the long straw.

He's a good shot.

He's not really gonna
sh**t at him, is he?

He can put it
anywhere he wants to.

Even in the dark.

I don't think this is for me.

Of course it is. You're
a degen now, right?

[laughing]
[indistinct chatter]

This is what degens do.

Are you shaking right now?

No. It's just a
bit of a breeze.

I'll keep you warm.

[laughing] [screaming
indistinctly]

[g*nsh*t]

Daryl! Daryl!

What are you doing?

- I'm going home.
- Why?

This isn't for me.

You're a degen, aren't ya?

Aren't you?

You show me your friends,
I'll show you who you are.

You've been here so
long they've forgotten

about you, big shoots.

They ain't thinking
about you for a second.

So you can run, I don't know
where you think you're running to.

Because I can promise you it
ain't the way you left it.

Us degens, we stick together.

So stick with us.

'Cause without us, you're alone.

[rock music]

[♪]