01x03 - The Day Gomez Failed

[bunniefuu]

They're creepy and they're kooky,

mysterious as spooky. They're all

together kooky. The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum where people come

to see 'em. They really are a scream.

The Addams Family.

Neat. Sweet.

Petite. So get a witch's shawl on,

a broomstick you can crawl on. We're

gonna pay a crawl on.

Family

They're creepy and they're kinky

Mysterious and spooky They're all

together spooky The Addams

Family

I know it's around here somewhere.

Come out, come out, wherever you are.

There it is. Oh,

excuse me, Lurch. I thought I saw my aura

hanging around here. I'm sure you're

aware of the energy that surrounds me,

giving me my renowned mystical powers.

You haven't seen it roaming around here,

have you?Not

lately. Uh huh

Here's a new challenge. Flossing my teeth

vigorously with red hot barbed wire.

You're right, Lurch. I've already done

that. Well, you can always help me look

for my aura.

HmmSomething's missing.

Thank you, Lurch. You remember Aunt

Scrunch, don't you?

Have you found your aura yet, Granny?No,

Morticia. And I'm worried. If that aura

was to fall into the wrong hand, itwould.

Granny's psychic hotline.

Your what?I am. I'll

be right there. Who was that?

My aura. It's waiting for me at the

movies. I was supposed to

meet it there 10 minutes ago.

HmmLet me see. Would you like to

help me with my sculpture, dear?I've done

that. Yes, thing.

By all means.

Thank you, Thing. It's perfect.

That's the Aunt Scrunge we all know and

love. Hey, Morticia, do you see

any yet?No,

none at all. Darn. That's the worst part

about growing new warts. You know,

it takes them forever to sprout up.

Hey, that looks just like Aunt Scrunge.

Didn't you forget her tattoo?Oh, how

silly of me. Thank you, Uncle

Fester. Oh, don't mention it.

Uncle Fester has always had an eye for

detail,

hasn't he, dear?Whatever you say, Tish.

Wednesday, what took you so long to do

your homework?We were enjoying our

assignment on the Salem witch hunts. It

was a lot of fun, wasn't it, Pugsley?

Yeah, you children are so lucky to

still have things you haven't done

before. And it's no wonder you two get so

many A's. You do such thorough

research. What's next, children?

We thought it might be pleasant to enjoy

the paintings in the living room. That's

a wonderful idea. Come on, Wednesday.

Dear, why don't you go with them?

I've done that, too. Mayhaps

a dip would cool us off, Pugsley.

Yeah, let's go.

I believe we broke our old record. Hey,

Dad, want to help us make the Mona Lisa

frown?Nope. Done that too.

Don't worry, Father. We

understand. Hey, Mona.

Here's something you haven't tried,

Gomez. My new invention.

Watch.

Works perfectly. No,

Fester, that won't do. What I need is a

new challenge, and there just aren't any

left. Gee, Gomez, how'd you like to

put me in a headlock and bang my head

against the wall?Nah,

I've done that before, too. Yeah, but not

lately. Darling, this must be really

bothering you. The last time you shook

Uncle Fester like that, you were trying

to get the termites out of his sinuses.

Tish, I just feel like there's nothing

left for me to do. I've done everything.

I need a challenge. Well, dear, I

understand Uncle Fester needs his back

shaved. Oh, come on, Gomez.

I'm getting kind of itchy. I'm sorry, old

boy. It'll have to wait. I need a new

challenge. Oh, darn.

Hey, Mert. You got it, Seth?Of all the

challenges you've tried, darling, how

many have you succeeded in?All of them.

HmmMaybe that's

your answer. What?WhatThe

one thing you've never done is fail.

Eureka. Tadamia. You're a

genius. Failure. That's my

new challenge. Next time you look at

me, Tish. You'll be looking at a failure.

Remember, darling, you don't know

anything about failing. You're right,

Tish. What I need is a role model, a

loser, a dud, a washout, a flop,

a worthless wretch of a human being.

Oh, Gomez, you're making me all

misty-eyed. That man is me.

Would you?Oh, it would be an

honor, brother o' mine. Ouch!

Careful, Gomez. My back's still a little

tender, you knowI mean, lunch just

doesn't have your gentle touch.

Have you found any stock tips that you

like, Fester?Well,

they all taste pretty good, but

I'm not sure that I'd want to serve any

of them at a dinner party, you know.

Fester, I appreciate all the ideas that

you've given me, and I'm counting

on you to find me that special, worthless

stock to invest in. Here's a

good one. Which one?Oh, I was talking

about the obituaries in the newspaper.

They they really crack me up.

Please, Fester, this is no time to.

You know, they are funnier than usual.

I told you. Still looking for your aura,

Granny?Yeah, it was just someone else's

aura making a prank call.

Missing auras. What a crock of

beans. Oh, yeah?I'll bet you took

it. Did not. Go

ahead and search me. If you insist.

Good enough for you?For now.

Thanks, Thing. Would you hand me

that duck, Gomez?Certainly, old bean.

By the way, try this one.

Consolidated gristle?Kind of has a

ring to it, don't you think?Faster.

This company hasn't made any money in 20

years. It's perfect, you shrewd devil.

Your stock market advice will ensure my

status as a failure.

Anytime. Hey, Thing. That's a stock

market. Oh, children,

is the chocolate ready?Yes,

Father. And we even used Uncle

Fester's special recipe. Yeah,

these old socks give it that nice crunchy

texture that the public yearns for.

Fester, old boy, your great chocolate

convinced me to open up a whole chain of

chocolate diet centers. And we're glad we

get to run them for you, Dad. That's

right. The last thing people on a diet

should do is consume mass quantities of

chocolate.

Not bad, but I should have put in a

little more mouthwash. Wednesday and I

even dip lurch in chocolate for our

advertising campaign.

Fester, with your help, I'll be out of

business in a week.

I finished welding your helmet and

notified the press about your stunt. But

this helmet's about two sizes too small

for me. It'll squeeze my head like a

vice. Just the way you like it.

Picture this, Tish. I'll be shot from a

cannon, soar across the city, and

ricochet wildly off the buildings in

downtown Happydale Heights before

flying home and landing in a cup of tea

in the foyer. Thanks, Thing. But

darling, that's the same thing you do

every Thursday.

Uh, yes, this time I'll be knitting a

sweater.

And everybody knows I can't knit. A

brilliant idea, Bubala.

Dish. That's French. No, darling,

it's not. Well, it's close enough for me.

Tourist, Simmis, Von Blanget, anything.

Your helmet, darling.

Thank you, Tish. Wow. This is

the day that Gomez Adams fails, and I owe

it all to my living genius of a brother.

Oh, don't mention it.

I do hope my darling Gomez fails.

Oh, don't worry, Morticia. Stop.

I've spent my life studying the fine arts

of failure. Well, my plans are guaranteed

to. Are you all right,

darling?

Want a sweater?I'll take it. I think I've

got some of that chocolate left. Don't

worry, dear. I'm sure your stocks will

fail.

You honked. Lurch, would you turn on the

radio so we can listen to the stock

market?Yes, Mrs.

Adams.

In the financial news, the stock market

was down today at a record low. Yes,

except for one company. Consolidated

Gristle, which rose 50 points after

billionaire Gomez Adams was rumored to

have bought hundreds of thousands of

shares.

Somber news thing. I made $15

million today. Don't worry,

darling. Your new business is bound to

fail. Bad news from the chocolate

diet center, Dad. People became sick from

Uncle Fester's recipe and started losing

weight.

That means your diet centers, let me

guess, a booming

success.

I just don't get it, Gomez. I mean, how

could one man make this much money in

just six hours?Oh,

darling, maybe you're cursed.

Oh, Tish, don't try to cheer me up. It's

hopeless. I'm nothing more than a

pathetic success of an Adam's.

Uh-huhDid you see that cream horn?We

really got him now. You really think so,

dear?Sure. Unless I'm mistaken.

Gomez Adams wants to fail. And I'll tell

you something, I'll be glad to help him.

Gee, Dad, it's so nice of you to go out

of your way and try and ruin your

neighbor. Don't you be disrespectful to

your father, young man. Thousands of

desperate people look to him for their

underwear needs every day. All of that

pressure riding on his humble shoulders.

Steady, Dad, you can do it.

Family. As chairman of the City Planning

Commission, I'm going to do my civic duty

and I'm going to rid this community of

the Addams family once and for all. I can

do it. Oh, don't you love that

vindictive twinkle in your father's eye?

I'm gushing with pride.

Yes. Hi.

Is is my good friend Gomez

here?This way,

Mr. Norman Meyer.

Hello, Norman Meyer. I haven't seen you

since the day our stuffed lion chased you

home. It's not around here, is it?

Adams, I understand that you've been

trying to fail. Tish, it's all over town.

What will the children do when the other

kids tease them about their father, who

just can't fail?They're there, dear.

I'm sure they won't love their father any

less. Will you, Pugsley?Course

not, Mom. Oh, Wednesday.

Olly Olly Oxen free. Come on, girl.

Big Brother's got a present for you.

Well, as a concerned underwear

coveting member of the community, I'm

here to help. It's the prudent thing to

do. And I've got your ticket to failure,

Adams. What a neighbor, Norman

Meyer. Old man. What is it?What is it?

The city needs a small piece of land to

finish building Happydale Heights' new

freeway. Please say that it's one of my

pieces of land. Bingo. And you can sell

it to us really cheap. Not a major loss.

Generally speaking, you'll be the

laughingstock of the neighborhood. Did

you hear that, Tish?I'll be a

laughingstock, scorned by the very

community in which I live. Mother and

Father Adams would be so proud of you.

Hurry, Norman Miner. Let's make this

official. Yeah, let's. OK. If you'll sign

this deed right here, I'll see to it that

the city. Oh, that. Since I'm known

by my family as a failist, I better

examine this.

Well, Fester. You know, I'll bet this

would taste good smothered in my

chocolate with a few sprinkles on top.

I need to know if I should sign it,

Fester. Ah, well, all right. But only if

Norm give me one of those spare pairs of

underwear he tools around town with.

Phew. Hey, Lurch,

get the dipping stick. I want you to

taste something. Thing, my pen.

Thank you, Thing. Norman Meyer, old man,

you've just made me a happy failure. How

can I ever thank you?Hey, don't you worry

about it. Here's for $5 for

your land. I'll be enjoying this

failure as much as you.

It's good to see you so happy again,

dear. Why, what's

wrong, darling?

I'm the luckiest man on earth. I've got a

family that supported me even before I

became a failure.

There, there, dear. That's what

families are for.

What was that?Sounds like a

hurricane or a tornado. Come on,

Gomez. Let's go frolic together in an

old-fashioned national disaster.

Last one there is a fresh egg.

Mother. Father. There be many

bulldozers out front. Oh, how

nice. Visitors. Uh, they're

not visitors, Mom. They're from the city.

Father, the foreman says the land you

sold was our house. They're going to

demolish it.

Bulldoze our house?They can't build a

freeway on this land. How come?

You know how much I like to hang from

exit signs and wave at passing cars.

Stop.

Who told you to build the freeway through

our house?He did. It was

me. All me. You signed the

papers, Adams. And now your house is

going to be torn down. Do you mind if I

cut in, Norm?It was him. It was

him. Norman Meyer, I

see what you were trying to do. And let

me tell you one thing. I really

appreciate it. Come again. Even though it

would mean certain failure for me, I

can't let you go through with it. But

dear, if they don't tear down the house,

you won't have failed. That's OK, Tish.

I can't be selfish and let my friend

Norman Meyer down. What are you talking

about?What are you talking about?My

great-great-grandfather, Goober Adams,

built our house here to enjoy the swamp.

You mean if we build a freeway here, it

could sink in the swamp?I'm afraid so.

Mr. Adams, you just saved the city

thousands of dollars. We won't be needing

your land now. Here's the four $5

back Norman Meyer paid me for my house.

Oh, no. You've been such a good sport, we

wouldn't think of taking it back. Plus,

here's four or five more for all your

trouble. Thanks. We'll have to find

a location close by to build the freeway.

Hey, here's some solid bedrock and parcel





move that house. Eek. More coffee, dear.

No, thank you. You know, Dad, if you put

up a roadside stand, you could sell a lot

of underwear. Ha ha, Mary Potty.

Ew.

What a trooper that Norman Meyer is.

Not only does he try to help me, but he

gets to enjoy the benefits of a freeway

running through his house. And here I

sit, a miserable success. You know, dear,

I've been thinking. Maybe you have

failed. Querida, stop trying to cheer me

up. No, dear. Think about it. Didn't you

fail at failing?Yes, but

that's not Eureka.

You're right, Tish. I failed at failing.

Yes. Faster, do you realize what that

makes me?A gardener?No,

dear brother. A bona fide dyed

in the wool atoms failure.

Children, come here, please. What is it,

Mother?We're on our way to play in the

swamp. Yeah.

Children, your father's failed at

failing. You've succeeded in a new

challenge, Father. I knew you

could do it, Dad.

You sneezed. Lurch,

since my brother is an official failure

and I found my aura, it's time for a

celebration dance.

Ohh Let's see. How about the outhouse

fume walk?No way, Gomez. This isn't a

wedding. Then how about that old family

favorite, the mustard cough?

Excellento.

Oh, Gomez.

Get down.

Good show. Bravo.

You missed. And people wonder

why I'm such a happy camper.