02x02 - No Ifs, Ands or Butlers

[bunniefuu]

They're creepy and they're kooky,

mysterious as spooky. They're all

together spooky, The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum where people come

to see 'em. They really are a scream,

The Addams

Family. Sweet

petite. So get a witch's shawl on,

a broomstick you can crawl on. We're

gonna pay a ball on The Addams

Family.

They're creepy and they're creepy,

mysterious and spooky. They're all

together spooky. The Addams

Family.

Eureka Gomez, darling, do you think

this is a good idea?What do you mean,

Tish?Well, you know how much I enjoy the

sound of flesh hitting porcelain, but

wouldn't you rather share the tub with

our pet alligator, Snappy?You're right,

Tish. I haven't been eaten alive since

Uncle Zombie's last midnight snacking

frenzy. Good. I'll have Lurch find

Snappy as soon as he's done helping

Cousin It. Cousin

It. We were just speaking about you.

Oh, don't thank us. Lurch was happy to

help you with your undercover spy

mission. Weren't you, Lurch?

Lurch, old man. Would you fetch Snappy

for me?Yes, Mr.

Adams.

Gotta go. And could you go find Uncle

Fester?You know how much he loves to see

his brother feeding his favorite reptile.

I should have known. Snappy's peptic

acids make Uncle Fester feel tingly all

over. Uncle Fester,

you've played with Snappy long enough.

It's Gomez's turn. Oh, swell. I just

want to wait a little longer till he

coughs me up.

Hey, Snappy, how about one more little

nibble for the road?What a splendid idea.

Oh, come on, Snappy. We

need your son to go to meet and teeth.

You flushed. Hi, Lurch. How about

fetching me that special pair of teeth

Snappy made in shop class?

Oh, goody. Yep,

those are them. Open wide.

Now come to Papa, Snappy boy. Oh, got

it.

Oh, thank you, Uncle Fester. That reminds

me, Lurch hasn't fed the piranhas yet.

He hasn't. I'll do it. If I'm

lucky, I can dive into their pool before

I start to heal.

Dear Uncle Fester, he's so helpful

around the house. What's going

on, Tish?I'm afraid you'll have to put

off diving till later, dear. Snappy can

spend hours roaming the highways and

byways of Cousin Itt's matted hair.

You're right, Tish, but all is not lost.

There's still plenty of room in there for

me. Get ready to roughhouse, snappy old

boy. Ayee! Cowaba!

Gomez, could you and Snappy tussle a

little lower?Cousin Itt's back itches.

Of course, Tish.

Hello, Mother. Hello, dear.

Where's Pugsley?Yonder way, Mother. Lurch

wasn't available to help him off the bus.

Yeah! How odd.

You giggled, Lurch.

Why didn't you meet the children at the

bus stop?Hey, Lurch, be a pal and toss

some raw meat into the piranha pool. That

ought to make them anxious to see me.

Lurch, if I go back and visit myself in a

past life, will you pick me up in a

couple of hours?Lurch, old

man. Think you can spare a few minutes to

call me out?

Lurch?Lurch?I

wonder what that's all about. Mother?

Father?Methinks friend Lurch is

troubled. It's not like him to just walk

away. Bingo.

I know, dear. And he usually so

enjoys catching Pugsley after his

re-entry.

Oops, come in. Wow, Lurch, that

last moon caused the house to shake so

hard I fell down the stairs.

I'm sorry. Cool. Lurch, if you're

troubled, you can always talk with Moi

and Thing too. Thank you.

Gee, Lurch, I didn't know you used to be

a doctor. Need a patient to

practice on?

HmmPugsley, that's not Lurch in

the picture. It's not. Who is it?My

father. Bad news. Your father?

Were the two of you close?He put

me together.

So your father was a doctor. What a

proud bloodline you displayed. Did

somebody mention Bloodline?When

you mention things macabre, Granny Frump

is on the job. Channeling?Then I'm your

gal. Every day, guy is my pal. Wanna

check your family tree?Then it's time to

call on me. Spells, hexes, witches,

brews, graveyard gossip, and a hot day,

too. Granny.

Yay, Granny! Ahem. We were beginning

to explore Lurch's family tree, Granny.

Oh, man, I love trees.

Later, Pudsloy. Well, Lurch is just one

in a long line of famous Lurchers

throughout the ages. Watch.

There was Robbie and Lurch,

the three Lurchketeers, and, of

course, Abraham Lurch. Wow,

Lurch, who'd ever expect a butler like

you to have all these famous relatives?I

know.

Lurch, there is but one difference

separating you from your ancestors. Yeah,

they didn't come with spare parts. No,

Lurch. The only difference is that your

ancestors pursued their dreams.

Granny's right, friend Lurch. What's the

one thing you really want to do?

I. ICome on, friend Lurch. Say it

carpe diem. Grasp your dream and

claim it. What do you really want to be?

Works for me. Uh, yes. You want to ride

the open range, tame the bucking Broncos,

shovel the aromatic stalls.

Then do it, Lurch. But my

job, Lurch, this is more

important than a job. This is about

fulfilling a dream. You need to find

your grimace. Go West, young

Butler.

So, you're taking some time off, ehYes,

Mr. Adams.

Gomez, with Lurch taking a leave of

absence, we'll need a replacement. That's

right. We need someone who can cook,

dust, and operate the latest dungeon

equipment. Hey, where do you find people

like that these days?Oh, necks of kin.

The answer to your question is as plain

as a nose in my pocket. What do you mean,

Uncle Fester?What better replacement than

the man who annoyingly imposed himself

into every second of Lurch's life?

You mean?Yes. Oh, yes, 'tis

I. Are you sure, Uncle Fester?Sure.

Are you joshing me?Just pull the rope

and you'll see butler ring like you've

never seen it before.

I told you.

Well, Fester may not be able to fill your

shoes, but he'll be able to sleep in them

and bask in your foot odor.

Au revoir, Lurch. That's French.

Darling, Lurch and I are sharing a tender

moment.

Whoops. Carry on, dear.

Goodbye, Mrs. Adams.

Mother, if Lurch approves, Pugsley

Thing and I would like to accompany him

for the weekend. I'd like that.

Of course you can plant ears.

Thank you, Mother. Yowie.

Pardon ne moi, Sir. Are you in charge

here?Yep. My name's Buck. Just

Buck. Not Mr. Buck or your royal

Buckyness. I'm the foreman of this here

ranch. Cool. Then you can help our friend

become a cowboy. Friend. What friend is

that?Him. Huh

What?Tarnation.

Howdy, partner.

HmmJust when you think you've seen it

all, you're pulling my reins.

Tarnation. Look at the size of him. He's

more cow than boy. Now, what do you think?

Don't get me wrong. I like cows.

Hey, Buck, who's the big man?

I don't know, boss, but he wants to be a

cowboy. Doesn't one have to possess

special skills in order to become a

bovine male?You

do. And it takes heaps of practice. You

get to ride like the wind, rope with an

eagle eye, and wrestle steers for your

life. Shucks. Maybe if you get good

enough, you'll win a trophy or two like

yours truly. Yeah, take a

gander and eat your hard a*s green horn.

We're always looking to break in a big

tender foot the size of you. Hey, you

folks can drop your gear and let their

bunkhouse. Much obliged.

Thanks.

No one breather size of lurch might make

a bodacious cowboy. I just have to

make sure he ain't better in me.

Darling, I'm Miss Lurch. So do

I, Tish. But if he sends the occasional

Stampede through town, it won't be a

total loss. All done, darling.

Thanks, Caramia. I think I'll

see how Uncle Fester is doing.

Grand idea, Tish.

How'd I do it?Well, there is one thing,

Uncle Fester. You're supposed to be

spreading dust around the house, not

licking it up. Oh, come

on. It never bothered you before when I'd

crawl to the house on all fours. Tongue a

wagon. But that was when we had lurch to

spread more. Once again,

I'm free, Caramia, and I'm yours.

OK, Morticia. If you want me, I'll be

rebuilding the East Wing. I hope Lurch is

having fun, riding the open range,

shouting yee-haw. Tish, that's

prairie talking. Speak some more like

howdy partner, mosey along, yodel like

ye-ay-ay-ay. Oh, Gomez.

Well, Lurch, to become a cowboy, you got

to ride a bucking Bronco. And I went

out of my way to find you the meanest,

wildest, nastiest bronco on the ranch by

crocky.

You're welcome.

Green wh*re never get, huh

Listen up, son. Any cowboy worth his

saddle sores has to be able to handle a

rope, and nobody handles a rope better

than old Buck. Watch.

Top that, blue boy. Blue cow.

What in tarnation?

Get a long little doggy.

Do be cautious, friend Lurch. Steer

wrestling has many perils.

Lurch may be able to out wrestle 1 steer,

but he can't handle them all.

HuhHow?

Big Angus. No greenhorn's going to tie

you down. Now you get out there and get

him. Yeah,

that's it. Get him, Poro. Adios,

amigos. You're long gone.

Oh, no, that Lurch is becoming a better

cowboy than me. I better stop him before

he comes gunning for my job. And I know

just the man who can do it.

Congratulations, partner. Ditto, friend

Lurch. Those were some mighty fancy

moves. As owner of this here ranch, I

just want to say that we ain't never seen

the likes of you around here.

Look, boys, it's here. Head for them more

hills. Read for you.

It's the big as a barn kid.

This town ain't big enough for both of

us, Lurch.

Pack your saddlebag, Lurch.

You're a moving out of here.

Huh

Tarnation. He's not moving. Lurch never

moves unless he wants to move.

OK, Wednesday,

you're getting warmer, sis.

You got my dander up now, hombre.

Way to go, Big Blue.

Yup. Say your prayers,

Lench. I'm a comer!

Yeah! All right

thing, my hand!

Contact.

Let me out of here. Let me

out. Uh-oh. Cool.

That does it. You are history, Litch.

Who

is it?

You did it, Lurch. Not only did you beat

the big as a barn kid, but you beat every

one of Buck's records. He's your genuine

Wild West cowboy duds. You're now an

official cowboy partner.

Much obliged. And I'd like you to

stay on as Ranch Foreman. How about it?

Yep. Did you hear that, Mister Buck?

They're making Lurch the new foreman. I'm

thrilled. Well, if you're

staying, I guess this is adios, big guy.

Shucks.

Whoa. Thank you, Thing.

Farewell, my friend. Miss you.

I shall. I'll

miss you too, Wednesday.

Adios, Slurch. Bye.

Goodbye.

Fester, did you finish cluttering up the

game room?

What game room?If you want me, I'll be

upstairs in the kitchen. But Uncle

Fester, the kitchen is downstairs.

Not what I'm through.

Darling, did you enjoy your afternoon?

Of course, Tish. There's nothing more

relaxing than spending some quality time

digging in the graveyard with the

children. The little embalmer struck

paper five times. Yeah, but it was more

fun watching Lurch smile when we buried

them again. We all miss Lurch, dear,

but he's out fulfilling his dream.

Why don't you summon your uncle?Maybe

he'll do it for you. Yes, Mother.

Do you roar. Lurch! Oh,

Lurch, my comrade, you have

returned. What brings you back, old man?

Couldn't bear to miss Uncle Fester's

weekly hot waxing, ehAre you back for

sure, big guy?

But what about the Wild West?Life on the

open range?Being a cowboy?I

miss my job and

my family. I don't get it.

It's simple, son. Lurch has the best of

both worlds. He got to live his dream,

and then he got to come home. And he's

always welcome here. Yeah.

Darling, we need to tell Uncle Fester

that Lurch is taking his job back. Hey, I

heard that. You think I'm going to let

him walk in here and take a job that's

become an integral part of my very being?

He's just in time for your hot waxing.

Yes. Great. It's all

yours. I'll get the candles. But first,

let's welcome Lurch home with an Addams

Family dance. What do you say, Lurch old

boy?Feel like cutting a rug?

ohh That's the spirit. Let's see. How

about the wet poodle sniff-alongs?Nah,

we're out of salad dressings. Oh, yes.

Then it can only be the high-fiver

wiggle. My personal fave. Sing

the music.

Well, that looks cute, but you better

wolf down a little more.

Could you die?

Oh.