02x03 - Jack and Jill and the Beanstalk/Festerman Returns/Hand Delivered

[bunniefuu]

They're creepy and they're kooky,

mysterious as kooky. They're all

together kooky, The Addams Family.

Their house is a museum where people come

to see 'em. They really are a street.

The Addams

Family. Sweet.

Petite. So get a witch's shawl on

A broomstick pewpie, crawl on We're gonna

pay a ball on The Addams Family

They're creepy and they're creepy

Mysterious and spooky They're all

together spooky The Addams

Family

goodbye, baby, on your sweet

bed. If you are good,

I'll rip off your head.

Goodnight, Marie.

Oh. Lurch put a

mousetrap in my bed when he made it up.

I'll have to thank him in the morning.

Uncle Fester, what brings you here?Oh,

that water Buffalo standing down the

hall. No, I mean, what are you doing here?

Oh, look at that wall Norm built

around his house. And being apart from my

beloved flossing instructor has got me so

upset I can't sleep. Have you tried

exploding yourself to sleep?Yeah, but

by the time I'm done scraping myself off

the walls, I'm not tired anymore. I

was kind of wondering if you'd, you

know, fill your pajamas with live

lobsters. Nah, not

this time. Would you be a real scuzz

gargle and tell me a bedtime story?Oh,

please, pleaseOf course.

And I have the perfect story for your

current. Oh, goody, goody, goody, goody.

And I'm the grateful lump of carrion.

Perhaps Pugsley would like to partake in

the spinning of this yarn.

Thing. Would you be a good appendage

and awaken Pugsley for me?

Thank you, Thing. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm

going to get a story. I'm going to get a

story. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. I'm happy. I'm

happy. I'm going to get a story.

What?Hey,

what's the big idea?Pugsley,

Uncle Fester's having trouble sleeping.

Oh, you want me to go down to the wharf

and catch some lobsters?No, he

desires a bedtime story. Which one?

Little Bo Peep and the taxidermists?No,

I was thinking along the lines of Jack

and Jill and the Beanstalk. Oh,

that sounds like a key. Yeah, great idea,

sis.

Well, Once Upon a time.

Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a

pail of water, and once they got

up there, they had their usual argument.

It is I who gets to tumble down first. No

way. I get to. I get to. No

way. Why, it's our friend Tom Thumb. What

say you, friend Tom?

HuhWow. You mean you'll push us both down

at the same time?Kudos, friend

Tom.

So down the hill they tumbled through the

briar patch and across the minefield.

Boy, did I work up an appetite. If only

we could have traded in our cow for some

food before the accident. But

alas, our cow is gone. Oh,

well, at least Snappy got to eat.

What will we do now?Hey, I got an

idea. Gator

for rent. Gator for rent.

Get your Gator right here. Oh,

I ask. You would not want to rent a

Gator. Got me, sis.

What troubles you, Sir Wolf?Ever since

those 3 pigs moved into that high-rise,

does it matter how much I'm.

Because it ain't moving. Could I interest

you in renting a Gator?Well, kid, I'd

like to, but confidentially

speaking, I'm broke. Well,

perhaps we can arrange another plan of

payment for a handsome stranger such as

yourself. You see, a single kiss from

you could awaken our entranced friend,

Sleeping Beauty. No deal.

Forget it. HuhHey,

I got it. How about if I trade you

these grungy, lint-covered magic fiends I

have in my pocket?Cool. We'll take them.

They're all yours, kitties.

See you tomorrow, friend Snappy. Gosh,

I'll miss Snappy. Do you think he'll do a

good job?Little Pig.

Little Pig. Let me come in.

Not by the hairs on my...

He'll do just fine. Right.

Moldy beans.

Yum. YumOh, no, Jack.

You do not eat magic beans. You

toss them out the window. Oh, yeah. And

after they lie in the dirt for a while,

then you eat them. No victim of an

escaped brain. Works for me. Observe



Well, what is it?What is it?A

beanstalk, Brain of Flea.

Great. Let's go. What is it,

Thomas?Brilliant

idea. I've read about these modernized

beanstalks. Oh, boy.

I don't think that skydiver was through

with his parachute, Jack. He didn't seem

to mind. Besides, our roof broke

his fall.

Wow. We must be in underwear heaven.

This way, my friends. Right behind you,

sis. Amazing.

Giant furniture. Giant belongings.

Look, a giant mousetrap. First one there

gets the cheese. Oh,

fair. I smell some brand new

underwear. Be he living or be he

plastic. I'll swipe his briefs and

grind the elastic. Uh oh, this guy

looks like he is a real mean streak.

Good. I'm glad he stopped by. Yeah,

me too. Me too. So am I.

You'll be spending the next 30 or 40

years buffing and folding underwear in my

dungeon.

Locked in a dungeon?How are we going to

get out?Observe, Jack. I'll

be free in no time.

Cool. Now it's my turn.

Pretty neat, huhUh, Jack, a

mind is a terrible thing to waste. And

I'm glad they didn't waste one on you.

Yeah, me too. Hey, if you're going to be

in my dungeon, you've got to remember one

rule. Yeah. What's that?What's that?

The next time a wall falls, I want

to be under it. What are you doing here?

I'm spinning a pair of solid gold

underwear for the giant. I

recognize you. You're the imp whose name

no one can say. You're.

Wait, I must caution you.

Every time you speak my name, I blow up.

An odd imp who likes explosions.

The perfect candidate to awaken Sleeping

Beauty. Why don't you come with us to

our great land below?Well,

this place is dank, dark, rodent

infested. He's got a point. Maybe we

should stay here with him. But friend

Rumple, down below there'll be lots of

people to say your name.

Great. Let's catch the next bus.

Use caution. Tis fortunate young

giant is a sound sleeper, isn't it?Jack.

Jack.

I just thought I'd

wake him and tell him goodbye. Jack.

Next time you get the urge to think,

don't. OK. Kind of makes my head hurt

anyway.

Quiet, everyone. The slightest noise may

awaken the slumbering giant. Did you hear

that?Be quiet, Rumpelstilskin.

Thanks. I needed that.

Fee-fi-fo florts. I smell some

fleeing boxer shorts. Let's go this way,

Truth. Watch it.

And you can see.

That really breaks my boxers.

Hey, that's

it. You cross the line. I'm

coming down.

Uh oh, here he comes. Allow me.

There. And isn't it a lovely arrangement?

There she blows.

Oh, no, no

Oh, what's that?Well, hi,

big boy. Who

or what are you?Why, I'm

Sleeping Beauty. I'll be the

judge of that. Hey, wait a minute. You're

not supposed to wake up till someone

kisses you. So I'm a little impatient.

Show me your stuff. Hot lips.

No, no

Stay away. Pucker up, big boy.

So Jack and Jill return home with their

newfound friend. You

see, Uncle Fester, any obstacle, no

matter how big, can be overcome if only

you try. You're

right. And as fell the giant, so

will fall the barrier between me and my

huggabutt, Norm. So long. Au

revoir. Hiya, Norm.

Drop dead. No, no, no,

no Ah, Pugsley. Happy

endings always warm my heart. Shall I

tuck you in, dear brother?Of course, sis.

Comfy. You

bet. Thanks.

Oh, rats.

Why so clum, Uncle Fester?No new package

from the expl*sive of the Month Club?

Worse. Another rejection slip from a

comic book company. Take a gander for

yourself. Dear Mr. Adams,

your comics are the most pointless,

idiotic, disgusting, revolting pieces of

trash we've ever seen. And still they

passed you by?Beats me. Sounds like I

covered all the bases. What else could

you ask for?I even threw in a few extra

goodies for them to enjoy while they

read. Corn at its nest. My old corn

pads. My old corns. Your

generosity never ceases to amaze me, dear

uncle. I'd like to think so. I mean,

listen to these books. Son of

Pesterman. Pesterman returns.

Pesterman leaves. Byron.

Pesterman's toxic armpit.

Pesterman's. Yo, how did that

one get in there?I don't

know. Maybe the world isn't ready for the

fruit of my loins.

I poured everything I had into these

adventures, you know, including that pot

of old gravy I keep under my bed.

Thanks guys, but I give up.

I can take a hint. I'll just

have to fall back on my second love,

litter box art. Perish the thought.

Why Thing and I treasure your comics. You

do?Deeply. And I'm sure there are

scores of other kids and disembodied body

parts out there just like us. You really

think so?Please

do us the honor. Give us your latest.

Well, if you insist. And I do.

Hey, I wondered what happened to this.

Here we go. Festerman

returns the enemy

within. It was this day,

like so many others. That Fester man

donated his selfless time to the city.

You're welcome, Mayor. And now, I don't

mind if your scientists study my

progress. Besides, I've never had

anthrax before.

Whoa, Dolly. Those spores

are kicking in again. Oh, lucky me.

Hey, where's Fester boy and Fester fish?

They vanished, dear leader, like all the

others. We need to talk about

Fester Gator. Methinks he's someone else.

Oh, don't be so hard on the guy. I know

just how he feels. Remember last week

when I was Queen Elizabeth?Come

on, Fester Couch, to the Fester cave.

Before long. The Fester League had

dwindled to nearly nothing.

Ahoy! Where is everybody?You're supposed

to be pushing my iron lung off a cliff. I

just took a roll call, oh dubious leader.

And except for us, everybody's

gone. Fester Butler, Fester hand,

Fester couch, Fester adverb. Fester

adverb?Not him, too. I

just love the way he'd frolic around the

cave trying to add LY to my every word.

Festergator is an imposter. Just look at

him. Ah, relax, Festergirl.

So he has a little problem dressing

himself. Besides, I see all,

know all, taste all. If I can get my

tongue on it. There's no foul play in

here, so just relax, Festergirl.

Festergirl. Festergirl.

Wait a minute. What if Fester Girl is

right, wherever she is?Maybe

someone is trying to destroy me, the

league and all the macabeanous that is

our mission.

Nah. At

last, you fool. It was I, the

disguised mega fingers, who captured your

precious Fester League. Oh

yeah. Well, you're not the only one

around here in a disguise, because

actually, under this French coat.

Have mercy. I Fester

Man, please have mercy. I just hate.

But now, now that I've captured

the Fester League and your cherished

Fester technology, I'll unleash all my

powers and pummel you out of existence.

Color and be happy. This is always my

favorite part of the story. I've got to

hit him with everything I've got. Super

strength. Heat vision. Perhaps let it

gravity slam. HmmI wonder how I can get

that wall to fall on me. Farewell,

Fester Man. Not even you can stand the

fury of my mega fingers. Come on.

Nope. I'm still breathing. You better

take another shot, Sporto.

I'll fry you to a little festering crisp

with my mega heat vision.

Don't stop now. I think I feel some

blisters forming. The pummeling

went on for hours, days and weeks until

finally... What?

That's all?I give up.

Isn't there anything that gets to you?

Well, other than Fester Butler's bean

dip, there is one thing. What is it?

Tell me. You must tell me.

Chimneys. Chimneys.

When the planets first turn blue, many

irradiated chimneys fell on Earth. These

alone are my greatest weakness. Chimneys,

huhYou mean like this?

A chimney?My

power is fading. I'm

melting. Now I've

got you. Oh, boy. My

life strength slipping away. It's getting

dark. Cold.

Could you hold that a little closer?

I give up. I surrender.

And so, with another villain imprisoned,

the Fester League was rejoined.

Welcome back, all, especiallyFestergator.

Wonderful, monuncle. And like

Festerman, you should never give up.

You're right, Wednesday. I'll do a whole

new batch of books, more thrills, more

action, more gravely. That's

the old Adam spirit. May Fing and I

assist you?Great. You do the plunging and

I'll do the creating.

Wow, that ought to get the old brain

cells cranking.

Morning in Happydale Heights, and my job

has just begun.

Unfortunately, not everyone is happy to

see me.

I carry a mail sack, and I always

make my delivery.

Like I said, always, all the

time, no exception,

except to oneIt's not the

Gator, that big blue guy, or his

friend who needs a serious haircut that

bothers

him. It's that hand, walking around like

he owns a place. When he gets a body,

then we'll talk. But

for now, I got mail for the list.

And that rain or sleet or vicious

fingers are going to stop me.

At least not for long.

This is my job, period. And I'd rather

deliver it myself, alone, without

the help of that, that thing.

I mapped out a plan. Then I spent hours

just waiting and watching.

I guess he did too.

Tried talking to his owners. Mr.

Adams, please slow down. I just want

to talk. It's the last time I

tried that. That's when

I decided to take matters into my own

hands. And employ the latest in postal

transportation equipment. It's

bulletproof, expl*si*n proof,

and hand proof. At

least they said it was.

HuhThat's when I realized that the

little duke's not so bad after all.

So that's when I decided that it's

OK to take some time off,

and I found the perfect substitute to

deliver the mail while I'm gone. You

know what?I couldn't be in

better hands.

Oh.